Jet's Universe

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Jet's Universe

Post by ConcernedGamer » Sat Sep 09, 2017 7:20 pm

Oh boy, have I missed doing this. Since the fall of Project AFTER, I've been stumbling about trying to get a semblance of things, but now I'm forcing myself back to the keyboard and doing what I enjoy. So here I debut on this fine forum with Jet's Universe, a crappy Steven Universe fanfic. I may or may not also have cobbled together a WordPress page recently where I'm going to store all the mocks I've ever made, but that's not important, besides the fact that its where anyone curious enough will find the first 7 chapters I mocked of Jet's Universe during my time at Project AFTER. As I still want to mock this still ongoing 19 chapter beast but not flood this forum starting out here, I'll have to refer new people to that page, although it shouldn't prevent anyone from jumping on here at Chapter 8. Let me explain.

This fanfic is utterly riddled with the plague I prefer to call 'canon railroading', where no matter what the author adds, the plot stays the same as in the stolen material. This story even features a wish-fulfillment, self-insert gem/human hybrid by the name of Jet. He's annoying, has an afro, and so far has managed to get a manipulated pity-fuck out of Amethyst. That's just about the important parts that I haven't elaborated on in revitalizing this thing. As a final notice, I have a preferred forum posting length in my mocking, and split chapters up into two parts when I feel it necessary.

Here's Chapter 8, Mirror Gem, Part 1.

Hey, I hope that you folks are enjoying rthe story thus far.

Like a shitty bootleg rerun of a show you like but dubbed in a language you only know tourist level vocabulary of.

Write me a review and tell me how I'm doing,

So you can ignore them like the half dozen requests for originality that you’ve already gotten?

Anyway, I hope that you enjoy the last chapter as it was a little awkward for me to do but I enjoyed writing it.

Yes, we get it, you wrote it with one hand.

Reminder that the characters in this story (besides Jet) do not belong to me and belong to its respected creator, Rebecca Sugar

Jet doesn’t belong to you, either, author. The Marty Stu belongs to all.

Chapter 8

Mirror Gem

Jet woke up feeling great. Amethyst "appreciation" was amazing and he would ask for an encore if he wasn't sore from his bout.

At least charge Pearl an entry fee next time, since you can’t separate the word that’s having me think you wrestled the Purple Puma.

He kinda overdid it with his lovemaking session with her because he was trying to show off.

Show off? Why, that’s so unlike you, Mr. Bare Abbs Dual Katana Gem Hybrid McTrenchcoat.

He groaned as he got up, earning a moan of protest from the lady that was sleeping beside him. Even though she didn't need it, Amethyst preferred to sleep.

Do you have to repeat everything or do you think the written word allows nothing of substance to transfer between chapters?

Jet stretched and started to put on his clothes. He wanted to start his regular morning regime.

Having deposed Mayor Dewey, the citizens suffers under Jet’s smug and indifferent iron fist rule.

He started to head towards the door that lead out and it surprisely opened. Jet looked around and noticed that Steven was sleeping soundly in his bed. Jet let out a sigh of relief as no one else was around at the moment. Jet decided to go to his house to get some breakfast before starting his training.

Can you ever actually do anything besides training outside of the canon or does the author think it’s a triple layered character trait?

He started to make his way towards the door until he heard the gems' room door activate. He looked to notice that Pearl was stepping out. He couldn't face her, not after what happened last night.

Stop trying to pretend you’re now a dainty wallflower in an effort to make these events seem like anything but wish fulfilment catalysts, as your last exchange was openly inviting her to a repeat of the sex you had consciously put on display for her.

He remained quite until Pearl started to speak.

"Good morning... Jet." Pearl said.

"Morning..." Jet said, not looking her way. He was blushing a bit. Regretting a little of what he did. It wasn't his fault though. Pearl just happened to spying on Amethyst and Jet's little love session last night.

And while the author keeps reminding us about Amethyst’s pretend sleep, he expected us to know about the portal puddles, which doesn’t work the way he portrayed them either.

"Umm..." She started to speak. Jet turned around to look at her.

"I'll just forget that you were spying, if you do..."

Don’t flatter yourself, Jet. Even this entire fanfic is rather forgettable.

Jet said. "But, next time do join us."

The self-insert decrees, so it must be under his regime.

Jet saw a huge blush appear on her face. He headed out the door, with a smirk on his face. He liked to tease people, especially in embarrassing situations.

Or when you emotionally toy with them like an antisocialite.

He quickly went down the steps of the temple and noticed that Garnet was already training by herself. Her attention focus to him when he was within her sight.

"Morning, Garnet." Jet said, as he started to head towards his house.

"Good Morning." She said. "Will you be joining me for training?"

Is training the only actual character trait you could imagine for Garnet in this story, in order to excuse your self-insert as much as appearing next to her?

"Um, Yeah." Jet said.

"Oh?" Garnet said, her voice showing a little surprise. "I figured you'd be tired after you and Amethyst had s-"

"How do you know that?" Jet said, cutting her off. He had a huge blush on his face.

"Future vision..."

Big deal, I predicted this turn of event back in Chapter 1, because that's how unoriginal this fanfic is.

She said, pushing up her visor. "I'm able to see possible outcomes to most situations."

"That's both neat and disturbing." Jet said, sweat-dropping.

Not only do you not understand emotions, author, you are openly throwing in the towel when it comes to attempting their depiction.

"Anyway, I'll be back to train. I just need to eat something and get out of these clothes."

What, are they not black enough?

Jet started to ponder the so-called future vision that Garnet possessed. He sorta wish he had a power like that himself, but wth power like that there had to be risks.

And since the author has already forced upon us the excuse of giving you any super power via convenient yet unrelated injury, you’ll probably end up with something better and without perceived flaws, you blowhard.

He shook the thought from his head as he opened the door to his home and shut it behind him. He headed towards the restroom to wash off and get ready for the day.

Oh boy, I can’t wait for yet another chapter where I question where from this dweep even gets the money to maintain his wish-fulfilment lifestyle.

Fifteen minutes later, Jet was all showered up and was feeling pretty good. His stomach growled angrily and he headed to the kitchen to shut it up. He wanted to eat something light, he learned the hard way that if you fill up then train, you'll puke your brains out.

Well, since you admit your lacking faculties, I’ll not object as to your excuse.

He decided to go with toast, an orange and water, something light to start the day with. He can really pig out comes lunch time, which he was already looking forward to.

Author, when the show you’re currently leeching off of had half as much a focus on breakfast, it was the actual plot of an episode. No one fucking cares about your imagined dietary choices.

Jet took a bite out of his toast and headed to his room. He decided to wear his usual get up which included his trench coat, black slacks and black tennis shoes.

It’s almost cute that he thinks we would have forgotten by now.

After about about another 10 minutes, Jet was fed and ready to train. He stepped outside where Garnet was and approached her.

"You ready to spar?" Jet asked, taking off his trench coat to draw his weapon.

You just consciously put that coat on only to wander out the door and instantly drop it, you vane dipshit!

"Only if you are." Garnet said, summoning her gauntlets. Jet took a stance and waited for Garnet to attack. She didn't so he charged at her. She barely manage to dodge a swipe from Jet's sword. He was aiming right for her head. She shot him at look that said 'Be careful, you idiot'

Which was quite similar to her ‘I think it’s going to rain’ look, but they’re quite easy to tell apart with that visor on her face, I’m sure we can all relate.

and Jet nodded as he understood that he shouldn't take it too seriously.

So, what you’re saying is that he should regard it like he did his college education? What the heck are they even training for?

He let out a sigh to calm his nerves. He was tense for some reason or another.

Fanfic writing tip #35: To excuse whatever one of your character’s dumb motives or moods at the moment, rephrase the following explanation; just because.

Garnet decided to attack this time, as she took a swing at Jet. Jet manage to block her punch with his sword but the impact made him slid back a little. Jet smiled and leaped into the air, with Garnet glaring up at him.

Yeah, he deserves three stink eyes for making the blatant mistake of making himself an open, flying target unable to change his easily predictable and plummeting trajectory midflight.

Jet charged at her and he saw her gather electricity from her gauntlets. Jet tried to do the same but he was too slow as Garnet leaped in the air and slammed her fist into his stomach. The electricity and the impact of the punch made him cough up spit.

This guy spat blood at a headbutt earlier in this story. Did the author switch his anime provider to 4Kids?

He was sent flowing towards the ocean.

'Damn.' Jet thought, trying to regain himself. 'Since, when can Garnet do that?' He landed in the ocean with a hard splash. Garnet rushed towards the sea, feeling bad that she might have over done it this time. All her worrying was cast aside as Jet emerged from the ocean, making his way towards shore.

You know, you are really starting to downplay the pity-points from the no-sell you did on that broken arm from your last launch out to sea, jackass.

"Your punches are no joke." Jet said, as he was kneeling on the ground. "Even if you're holding back."

"And you're not bad yourself."

What has he done to impress?! He can never go one fight with more than one single exchanged attack.

She said, as she held out her hand. Jet took it and helped himself up. "That last attack would've killed a normal human." Jet cracked his neck and slammed his fists together.

Maybe because normal humans don’t do anime poses like a dork every ten seconds.

"I've had my share of fights. I'm tough." He said, as he started to summon his weapon again. Garnet cracked her neck as well and slammed her gauntlets together.

"Let's test that." She said. The two was about to go at it again until Steven was running up to where they were. He was outta breath and he was holding something that looked like a mirror.

Careful, guys, it’s the plot. Maybe Jet will lean lightly up against it and pretend to take all the credit, again.

Jet and Garnet looked at each other and nodded, signaling that their training was over for the time being. They knew that Steven didn't like to see them train because he think that they are trying to kill one other. It's not true but it's Steven.

Fuck you. Steven is not a toddler. You’ve been wrecking the beach for months, he can watch Pearl train in his house, and by now he is coming along on missions to fight actual gem monsters. Stop making him a lost, clueless pet meant to praise and be in awe of you as you gluttonously steal all the limelight of this show that you fail to convey that you love.

"Hey, Steven." Jet greeted, making his sword disperse.

"Hi, Jet. Hey Garnet." Steven greeted.

"Hello, Steven." Garnet said, patting Steven on the head. Steven chuckled a little but then his attention shifted to Jet once more.

"Jet..." Steven said. "Did something happen to Amethyst and Pearl? They're acting kinda funny."

”Pearl keeps telling Amethyst she should have used protection for something, but that she at least had some of my old baby toys in her room.”

Jet eyes widen a little and he was blushing a bit.

"Umm, what do you mean?" Jet asked, his eyes shifting over to Garnet. She was looking else where as if to say, 'you know what he means.'

What Steven means could be anything until we actually get it explained, since this author thinks Steven is a lost puppy ignorant of even basic concepts of play pretend.

"Well..." Steven said. "Amethyst came out of her room humming and twirling around. She was also smiling way more than usual. I tried to ask Pearl what was wrong and she avoided the question.

Amethyst having a nice day? Yeah, something must be wrong.

Also, I asked what happened to you last night and neither of them had an answer... it was awkward so I changed the subject and wanted Pearl to teach me about school...

Oh, that Steven. Too dumb to grasp the concepts of training, but still sharp enough to know when someone’s holding out on him. And of course he won't actually ask Jet for being the source of his curiousity, because the author has now gotten enough boosting satisfaction for his sexual ego.

which she ended up showing me this mirror and then I ran out here..." Jet raised an eyebrow but decide to let it go.

Let what go? The forced exposition as the author is getting ready to unpause the episode he’s watching?

"Yo, Steven." Jet said. "You wanna hang out today?"

"Sure!" Steven said. "I was headed to the big donut... you wanna go there?"

"Sure." Jet said, shrugging his shoulders.

Would you even set foot in the town if not for the plot, Jet? Can you actually exists by your own will alone without these characters as plot crutches?

Steven started to run backwards toward the Big Donut with Jet not that far behind. Steven still had the mirror with him as he was looking into it. Steven was so into his running that he bumped into Lars, who was setting up tables. Sadie was also there as well.

"Watch where your going, you little..." Lars started. Sadie shot him a look. "Steven."

Jet is a big Steven, in case anyone was wondering.

"Sorry." Steven said, as Jet caught up to him.

"Hey." Jet said, waving to Lars and Sadie. Sadie waved back and Lars nodded.

I’m simply blown away at how you establish your presence, get these characters to briefly acknowledge that, and then carry on like you’re not even there. You are being ignored as deserved, Jet.

"I'm just happy it's summer." Steven said. "Are you guys happy it's summer? I'm so excited it's summer." Sadie giggled at Steven's over excitement.

Subtle, reasonless dialogue changes and crappy retelling of the plot, expect nothing better from this author.

"I think I'm just excited as I can get setting up extra seating for the summer rush." Sadie said. "But, Lars has big plans..." She took a glance at Lars, who was talking to Jet. He stopped when his name was mentioned.

Careful there, author, any more detailed interaction and you’ll have the fandoms clamoring for a Jet/Lars shipping.

"You bet I do!" Lars started, leaning back against a chair. "Me and Jet was just talking about all those out of town summer chicks, traveling away from home, without their boyfriends... if you know what I mean..."

"Nope." Steven said.

"Well, I do." Jet said, giving Lars a high five. Sadie rolled her eyes.

Well, congrats, you’ve nailed down the perfect conversation topic for your self-insert to indulge in after how far he has gotten with Amethyst, author. Too bad for you that Lars actually got his character arc well past this scene.

"Maybe, I'll get a few numbers." Lars said. "Maybe I'll even call one." Jet had to hold back laughter when he said that.

An insecure, nervous laugh, I bet, since Jet should currently be getting flashbacks to how his girlfriend was stolen under similar circumstances.

"Ha!" Sadie said. "Well, maybe I'll meet a new friend."

"That's a great idea!" Steven said, getting both Sadie and Lars attention. "

Jet had mentally checked out at the word ‘friend’.

Maybe, if I kept using the mirror, will find someone new to tag along with us." Steven started to walk off.

Steven may have Jet as his possible Beach Summer Fun Buddy, but who the fuck cares about how the plot got established, the canon railroad cannot be derailed under any circumstances!

"If you say so." Jet said, as he started to follow.

"Next time you see me, I'll be on the arm of a hot woman!" Lars said. Jet gave him a thumbs up.

"OK." Sadie said. "You can stop talking now."

"They’ve already left, we are free from the self-insert’s tyranny until our next canon screen appearance."

And here is where the first part ends. I just pray the author restrains himself in how many gem waifus he'll grab for himself. I'm fairly inexperienced when it comes to Steven Universe fanfic tropes, but I see the patterns all too well.

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Re: Jet's Universe

Post by ConcernedGamer » Wed Sep 20, 2017 7:06 am

I’ve had a minor delay on this due to unforeseen circumstances. Who knew ending an education would cause you to only have more shit to do, am I right? Anyway, Jet is still infringing on the canon by doing absolutely nothing sensible that could change it. Here’s Chapter 8, Part 2.

Jet and Steven continued their walk down the boardwalk. Steven being more focused on the mirror then anything. He was having a blast with it.

Oh, please don’t tell me Steven’s moon walking Michael Jackson impression was lost on your detail-empty focus, author.

Jet and Steven turn around the corner when they saw a van heading towards them. The driver of the van honked the horn as it continue to head towards them.

"Is that thing gonna stop?" Jet said, as it continued to head towards them. "I guess not!" Rather than jump out of the way, like a normal person would, Jet stood his ground.

Because he’s stupid and we have to emphasize how Jet is so removed from reality that this is literally his universe to toy with without logical guidance.

"Jet, what are you doing?" Steven said, as he stepped out of the way. "You're gonna get crushed!" Jet ignored him and braced himself.

Because why would Jet not need to worry his supposed friend, who’d more than likely jump in front of him with a bubble, author, you dumbass?

The van seemed to effortlessly hit Jet, making Steven scream out: "Noooooo!" In reality, Jet stopped the van with his hands, the impact making him slide back a little.

"Kid, what is your problem?" A man with a suit said. He was the major of Beach City and he was holding a microphone.


You’ve gotten it confused with a siren, too, previously, author. Those are hand-microphone assisted megaphones. Have you literally seen neither of those before in your life?

"I should be asking you that!" Jet said. "Why didn't you stop?" The major scratched his head.

Careful, Jet, Dewey will make you drop and do twenty if you keep this up. Do you even consider yourself proficient with your native tongue, author?

"The brakes on this thing is shot." He said. Jet rubbed his temples out of frustration.

Not canon, but we can then conclude that would be why Dewey was honking well in advance, yet this utterly egotistical moron needed some drama in his life by being a willing traffic accident to show off his plot armor.

"Why were you driving this thing down the boardwalk?" Steven asked.

"I'm the major, I don't have to walk anywhere." The major said, shouting into the siren.

"Now, you kids try to get run over by something else, I'm late for a speech." A vain appeared on Jet's forehead.

"I don't like that guy..."

Oh, really? I could honestly not tell, what with the author feeling the need to inject this useless bit, proving that he is too inept to even spell 'mayor', and thinking anyone reading this gets entertained by how much exercise Jet’s forehead is getting!

Jet said, as he stepped out of the way to let the van pass. "And he should go and get those stupid brakes fixed."

Why? The author wrote them to be different that way, what makes you know better than him?

Steven started to laugh and soon after another voice joined in.

Vehicular accidents are now hilarious because the author can’t string together some other way for the mirror to give away its sentience, rather than the concern of warning against being run over. Man, this author just can’t grasp the concept and role of empathy in this show, can he?

Both Jet and Steven looked around, wondering where did that voice come from. The voice started to laugh again and Steven and Jet both looked at the mirror. It showed Steven laughing and Jet's eyes widen at the site.

"Wow!" Steven said, looking at the mirror. "So it was you laughing? This is so cool!"

'You mean so creepy, right?' Jet thought,

But never speak, Jet. Keep those unreasonably, canon-altering thoughts to yourself.

as he eyed the mirror a little more. He didn't get it, he thought it was an ordinary mirror but it appear that's not the case. Steven started to run off with the mirror.

"Hey, Steven." Jet said, following him. "Where are you going?"

Away from you, that’s all I need to know.

"I'm going to walk around with the mirror some more." Steven said. "I'll catch you later, okay?" Jet stood there with a look of confusion on his face.

"Umm, ok..." He said. "I thought we were suppose to hang out but that's cool. I'll go see what the gems are up to... even though it's still gonna be a little awkward."

Not as awkward as you being confused why you are alone after your one single plan of hanging out by going to the Big Donut, and you didn’t even get anything.

Night time fell over Beach City and Jet was at the temple with the crystal gems. Garnet, Amethyst and Jet was sitting on the couch, with Pearl standing up stacking objects on top of one another.

Oh, I’m sure she’s probably just in a Jenga mood, so I can see why you found no reason to elaborate further, author.

Amethyst snuggled closer to Jet, which he didn't mind but the constant glares from Garnet and Pearl was making him sweat a little.

Jet’s presence just brings too much asymmetry to the group, apparently.

Amethyst didn't mind showing Jet her affection since the two of them have become intimate. It was a night that she would never forget.

Guys, I think there’s a silver lining to corruption after all.

"Guys!" Steven said, suddenly pushing the door open. "What to you see..." He suddenly stopped when he noticed that Amethyst was snuggling with Jet. They looked at him and Amethyst backed off a little.

I don’t get it. Is intimacy really such a no-no in this household, or is the author under the impression that any half-assed description of interactions convey the full picture? Is this just how his real life operates with prudishness? Give me a fucking sign.

"Yo, Steven!" Amethyst said, a small blush on her face. She saw Steven shake his head, apparently clearly his thoughts from his mind.

"Hello, Steven." Pearl said, looking at him.

"Howdy." Garnet said, waving at him a little.

"You had fun with the mirror?" Jet asked.

More fun than you would have been, I think we can all agree.

"Yeah!" He said, then his attention shifted towards Pearl. "You didn't tell me it was like a person!"

"Wait, what?" Pearl said, with a look of confusion on her face. Garnet and Amethyst looked a little confused as well. Suddenly, the mirror started to communicate with Steven and then it started to laugh.

Did it go for an off-color racial joke or do you think guessing entire chunks of dialogue is a reader’s favorite pastime, author? Even when you could inject inconsequential lines to freshen up your rip-off, you don’t.

"It's talking to him?" Pearl said, looking at the others. "It shouldn't be able to do that, it should only be following orders."

"Following orders?" Jet asked, a little confused at the situation that was going on. Garnet and Amethyst stood up, looking at the mirror in disbelief.

You have to admire the patience of Stevens mothers here, fearing he might be holding a sentient Homeworld minion who would want Rose Quartz shattered at all costs.

"Garnet, do something." Amethyst said. Garnet started to walk towards Steven, with Steven still interacting with the mirror. The mirror screamed causing Steven to turn around to face Garnet.

"Steven." She said, kneeling down. "You should just give us back the mirror. It'll be safer were we can watch it." The mirror started to scream again and Garnet started to reach for the mirror.

"Steven, don't make me have to take it from you." She said, her voice in a more serious manner. Steven started to back a little from Garnet.

Do you feel like pitching in, Jet, or did the author forget to let you roll initiative?

"Don't you hear it screaming?" Steven asked. "It doesn't want to go with you."

"Steven!" Garnet said. "It's just a mirror. A tool. It can't want anything." She started to reach for the mirror once more.

"It want to be with me!" Steven said, swatting at Garnet. His swat made her visor come off, 3 angry eyes glared at him. Amethyst and Pearl gasped at his reaction.

Jet, of course, having this be the first time he’s even seeing Garnet’s three eyes, have no reaction.

Steven, realizing what he's done, ran out of the temple screaming 'I'm sorry' over and over. Garnet picked her visor off the floor and placed it back on her face.

"That little boy is in big trouble." Garnet said, her fist slightly clenched. She started to walk out of the front door. Jet noticed her fist and darted after her, he didn't want her to do something she might regret (even though it wouldn't come to that).

Is it just me, or is this author honest to fuck insinuating a disgusting interpretation? Eh, or maybe he’s just playing off the horror of getting a spanking from a gem-encrusted palm.

"Garnet, wait!" Pearl said in the distance, with Amethyst behind her. "I'm sure he didn't understand what he was doing."

Don’t you try and make excuses for the author, Pearl.

Steven was running as fast as he could down the coastline. He knew he was in big trouble for what he did. He looked behind him and noticed that Jet was on his tail. His eyes widen and he started to increase his pace.

'The kid can run...' Jet said, mere feet behind Steven. 'But he's not as fast as me!' Jet caught Steven from behind his shirt. Steven was struggling to break free from Jet's grip.

"Let me go!" He said, nearly out of breath.

"Relax." Jet said, letting him go. "I just want to catch you before Garnet did."

Yeah, whatever Jet, Steven is already too busy with the plot to notice how you keep being present and yet change nothing whatsoever.

"What should I do?" Steven asked, looking at the mirror. "What the problem with you? Are you trying to say something?" The mirror showed an image of Steven pulling a gem from the back of it.

"Should I do as it ask?" Steven asked, looking at Jet.

"Sure, why not?"

Bitch, you were introduced with the awareness of the war your mom supposedly fled from. You should know what dangers a gem, even uncorrupted, could pose when not on your side!!

Jet said, as he noticed as Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl was catching up to them pretty quickly. "But, if you're gonna do something, you'd better do it now!" Steven flipped the mirror over and a blue gemstone was shining dimly in the night.

The Gems had better dump your ass after this, Jet. Steven is ignorant and naïve and can be allowed to make his mistakes and learn from them. You are simply a bad and irresponsible influence on him, earning only blame when the author tries to steal you praise.

The stone was cracked but Jet still thought it was a beautiful gemstone that was shaped like a tear. Steven grabbed the gem and struggled to pull it apart. After a few moments, the gem came out with a pop and the mirror shattered in Steven's hand.

What is seven years of bad luck to a Gem, anyway?

Suddenly a bright light formed, blinding Steven and Jet temporarily. When the light faded, a girl with short, dark blue hair, wearing a blue dress appeared. Her skin was a light blue and her cracked gemstone was located on her back. She kneel down, apparently weak from her reforming herself. Jet and Steven went over to see if she was OK. She looked at them, her eyes seemed to be void of any color.

They are mirrors, you blind shitlord! The art design is neither random nor this unnoticeable. I wish you’d stick to writing original stuff to not show incompetence on par with something like titling Harry Potter as ‘The Boy Who Is Alive’!!

"Thank you." She said. She tried to stand but she lost her balance. Jet was closer so he helped her stand.

"You're still weak so take it easy." He said. She looked at him blankly.

”Uh, who the hell are you?”

Seriously, author, you moron, Lapis is only trusting of Steven for bonding through the day and should only regard Jet as another Crystal Gem. Bile just rose to my throat in having you force me to acknowledge this tenth or so plot-proofing idiocy of yours.

"I understand." She said, then her attention shifted to Steven. "You talked to me. You helped me. It's Steven, right?" Steven was dumbfounded and Jet poked him in the stomach with his elbow, knocking him out of his daze.

Kindly stop portraying Steven as a silly dolt just to pretend your self-insert has relevance, author. Also tell said wish-fulfilment beggar to stand back up from kneeling his nearly six foot frame down to elbow the three foot child.

"Yeah." Steven said.

"I'm Lapis, Lapis Lazuli." Lapis said. "Are you really a crystal gem?"

”I mean, you could sort of look the part, but that black-clad eyesore next to you just seems out of place.”

Steven nodded his head.

"But, you set me free..." She continued, smiling a little. Steven shot her a confused look.

"Steven!" Garnet shouted, making Steven wince. Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl showed up right behind them. They took no time in drawing out their weapons.

"Hold up!" Jet said, walking towards them. "She's not dangerous."

You neither know that as a fact and will get proof of the opposite in a moment. Is incompetency just a default state for you, oh mysterious Gem Hunter?

Garnet glared at him, making him sweat a little.

"You..." Jet heard Lapis say. "You 3 knew I was in that mirror..." A water hand started to form from the ocean, making Jet eyes widen in surprise. "And you didn't do anything... did you even wonder who I use to be?"

”I’ll have you know I graduated top of my facet on Homeworld, and I’ve been involved in numerous attacks against this planet and I have over 300 confirmed shatterings. I am trained in fart jokes and I’m the top informant in the entire Diamond Authority. You are nothing to me but just another rebel.”

The hand started to fall towards them at a fast rate. Everyone, but Garnet, was able to dodge the incoming attack.

"What are you doing?" Steven asked, walking up to Lapis.

"I'm Lapis Lazuli and you can't keep me trapped here anymore!" Lapis shouted, making a statement.

The author wrote, making a sentence.

Steven looked at his follow gems and noticed that all, but Jet, was on the verge of attacking.

"They're not gonna let us leave." Lapis said.

"Leave?" Steven said, confused. Lapis parted the ocean with her power.

"Steven, come with me." Lapis said.

Say yes, Steven! Escape the self-insert at any cost!!

"Where?" Steven asked.

"Home." Lapis said. "And he's welcomed to come along." She pointed to Jet, who was out of their earshot so he didn't know what they were saying.


Jet has had literally nill interactions with her before he invaded her personal bubble and told her the obvious about her condition. What does this dumbass author even think he’s basing his next boner-bait on?

Steven didn't know what to say so he remained silent.

"Fine." Lapis said, getting the hint. Garnet was tired of waiting so she was the first to react. She started to rush towards Lapis.

"Don't trust them, Steven." Lapis said, walking towards the ocean. "Good-bye." Garnet was about to throw a punch until a gaint wave threw her and Steven a couple of feet back.

And here I had almost thought we escaped this author’s already by the reviews corrected unceasing misspelling tick. How can I even hope for improvement from this author, when his brain forgets a reminder that is below even ‘i before e’?

Lapis was nowhere to be seen.

"Steven!" Pearl said, running up to him and hugging him from behind. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine!" Steven said, looking at her. "So... that was another gem?"

"Yes." Pearl responded. They all looked towards the ocean that shimmered beautifully along with the night sky.

"Steven." Garnet said, getting his attention. "You're grounded."

And Jet uses Steven as his fall guy, letting the kid shoulder all the blame for his goading encouragements, no surprise there.

And that was Chapter 8. Pretty much the standard set by this fanfic, whenever Jet isn't trying to harvest pity points or flexing new super powers. Or that time he fucking bowed to a statue of Rose for no reason. This show that the author is basing this catastrophe off of has more realism in it than what he brings to the table.

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Re: Jet's Universe

Post by ConcernedGamer » Wed Sep 27, 2017 11:13 am

I would be delighted if I could get this mocking done any more expediently, but delays happen due to circumstances much boring, dreary and repetitive. Which reminds me. Here’s Chapter 9, Part 1.

Sorry it's been about a month since I've updated this story but life tends to get in the way.

Sounds like you need life taken care of, you know what I’m saying?

Anyway, I hope that you folks enjoy the story and I'll try to update this story sooner next time. In the upcoming chapters, I'll try to post some facts about Jet at the end of the story so you can get to know him a little better.

Oh, yes, the epitome of every author’s seal of quality; info dumps in author notes. It truly shows that they are so incredibly skilled at conveying anything through a narrative, that they simply opt to not do it, so as to not show off too much.

Enjoy the read.

I’ll enjoy doing something because of it, alright.

Chapter 9

Ocean Gem

"I'm grounded?" Steven said, as he was faced looking at an angry Pearl and Amethyst. If he could see through her visor, Garnet would probably be scolding at him too.

I’m scolding at you too, author. I’m scolding - So. Fucking. Much.

It was early morning over Beach City and Jet decided to crash on the couch, he was too exhausted to head home.

Yeah, I can see how he got exhausted by doing all those strenuous things yesterday, such as cuddling with Amethyst, catching up to a small child, jumping out of the way of the water, and nothing else!

He awoke at the sound of Steven's whining and he headed to where the others were.

You mean the edge of the kitchen, two steps away from the couch, Magellan?

"Yes, you're grounded." Pearl stated, with her arms folded.

"You disobeyed an order." Garnet said.

"Now, we're gonna bury you till you've learned your lesson." Amethyst said, holding a shove. Steven started to sweat and backed away a little. Amethyst felt the shove lower and she looked to see who did it. Jet smiled at her and she smiled back.

Shove off. You’re supposed to be Steven’s accomplish here, Jet. The Gems might not understand proper disciplinary actions, but they would sure as hell recognize treason.

"That's not how grounded works." He said, startling the others a bit.

"Morning, Jet." He heard Garnet say.

"Good morning, Jet." Pearl said, still unable to look him in the eyes.

Oh yeah, let us not forget that Pearl was hugged by this dickwad a couple of chapters ago, so she can’t possibly have recovered from that single actual interaction initiated by him of a physical display of affection, which she’d recoil away from under other circumstances.

"Good morning, you two." He said. Suddenly, the door burst open and Greg (Steven's dad) was breathing really hard.

Greg had stood in a corner, holding his breath ever since Amethyst cut the cheese, waiting for the author to let the door crack for no reason.

"Dad?" Steven said, looking towards him.

"You guys might wanna come see this..." He stated as he went back outside. The others looked at one another and followed Greg.

As soon as they walked outside, they noticed that the ocean was gone.

You know, once they didn’t have Jet’s modest mansion blocking their line of sight.

The citizens of Beach City were also on the deserted beach, wondering what happened. Connie looked and noticed that Steven was making his way over.

"Whoa!" He said. "The's gone!" The major of Beach City was holding a mircophone trying to calm down the concerning citizens. He noticed that Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl was among the crowd and he made his way over to them.

Dewey is still top of his game in spotting the tall one, the purple one, and the hot one, and thankfully Jet has still remained such a bland backdrop that he hasn’t reached the status of ‘the black one’ quite yet.

"What's going on here!" He yelled into the mircophone, pretty close to Garnet's personal space. She looked down at him.

"The ocean is gone, obviously" She said, blankly.

Yeah, but can you really blame the guy for lacking sight of the obvious, when you actually need water to exist to tell that its wet?

"That's right!" The major yelled. "Now, it's just a desert. No one wants to take a vacation to Desert City! We're gonna lose all our summer business." A vain appeared on Jet's forehead, this major was really get to him for some reason.

Vein. Mayor. And now the misused word microphone is being consistently misspelled. Calm breaths. Okay.

While there are bigger issues, Beach City is currently dying from a crippled economy it depends on, Jet. Remove your ego-laden head from your canon-leeching ass and try just for once to understand what the stakes are in this realm you pretend to be a part of.

The citizens started to complain about various businesses that would be out of luck if this problem isn't solved.

"As major, I demand that you fix this immediat-" Before he could finished, Garnet slapped the mircophone away from him.

"Thanks." Jet said, as Garnet nodded.

Never let it be forgotten that Jet the Jackass happened to be here and approved of these actions in this very moment. Even Lars wasn’t as cringey as Jet with pandering back-patting attempts, as the author pretends his self-insert is “in” with the Gems at the most insignificant instances.

"It was Lapis Lazuli that did this." Garnet said, her attention on the major.

"Lapis Lazuli?" Steven asked.

"You mean that pretty girl did this...oof." Jet said, as Amethyst elbowed him in the ribs. She wasn't too keened on him addressing other girls in front of her.

Amethyst’s surprising behavior was of such a fucking novel concept that the author felt it had to be spelled out to us and himself, apparently.

"She was the gems that you released from the mirror, remember?" Pearl said, looking at Steven. She then projected an image of her for the citizens to see. They were whispering amongst themselves at this.

"But, she a gem just like us." Steven said, looking at the hologram.

"There's a lot you don't know about gems Steven." Pearl said.

"She's right, you know." Jet said, chiming in.


Unless the author wants to suddenly justify you knowingly cheering Steven on to release an obviously rogue Gem, by having you be a sabotaging mole sent by the Diamonds themselves, that should mean you too, buttmunch!!

About an hour later, the gang was inside the temple going over the details about Lapis and how they were going to get the Earth's ocean back. They had a few ideas, but most of them were either crazy or too over the top.

But they were never elaborated or even alluded to in the show, so what makes you think they would be here?

Connie decided to join them inside the temple because she wanted to hang out with Steven.

Eh, it’s just a day like any other after all, the loss of the ocean has totally no effect on where her concerns are currently.

Greg was there as well joined by Steven's lion.

"How could I have known that the gem contained inside that mirror would be so powerful?" Pearl asked.

"And how could I have not sense her?" Jet asked, as he folded his arms.

A question that will probably never be answered or even become relevant, since your so-called Gem Hunter title-waxing hasn’t even been apparent, ever! And is this fucking jackass honestly attempting to dodge his blunder by pretending that it isn’t obvious that a gem-powered mirror happen to be powered by a gem, of which he even acknowledged for its existence before it was extracted?!

He was usually good as sensing other gems. Jet noticed that Steven was packing his cheeseburger backpack and was heading out the door with it.

"Where are you going, Steven?" Connie asked, noticing him leave as well. Steven turned around to face everyone else.

Look, kid, I know your fandom can be a bit toxic at times, but you still have, like, four seasons left to finish before you can just up and quit.

"I'm leaving to fix what I did to our home." Steven said, looking down at the floor. "I was the one who set Lapis free from the mirror. Now, it's my fault that the ocean's gone. I'm gonna bring the ocean back or get really thirsty trying."

”Oh, and Jet had something to do with it too, but he never does anything, so you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

Steven turned around once more but his dad placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Wait up, kiddo." Greg said. "I'm coming with you." Steven felt another hand on his other shoulder.

"I wanna help, too." Connie said, looking at him. "Besides, I'll feel really wierd being in your house and you're not here."

”That Jet loser already walks around like he owns the place, I’d dread to see what he’d do if you weren’t around.”

Steven smiled and he felt a paw on his head. Lion let out a small roar to let Steven know that he was onboard as well.

"Clearly, we're coming too." Pearl said, smiling with her arms folded.

"Yeah!" Jet said, clenching his fist.

Do I also have to presume the undescribed anime pose he’s striking, author, or is all these clenching fists so meaningful and noticeable down by his hips?

"You're ungrounded by the way." Garnet said, letting a small smile form on her face.

"Woohoo!" Amethyst said, standing on the counter. "Road trip!"

The group raced down stairs in order to find where the Earth's ocean went. Amethyst, Greg, Pearl and Garnet squeezed into Greg's van. Jet looked and noticed that there wasn't much room for him.

Oh, Jet, you pathetic, ignorant, little fool. There was never any room for you.

"We can try to squeeze you in." Greg said, but Jet shook his head.

"I missed training today so I'll run it." Jet said.

At which you’ll likely blame your next ‘at-less-than-full-power’ excuse, if you hadn’t already thought your recent passing out on the couch as justification.

"You sure, kid?" Greg said, looking at Jet in disbelief. "Who knows how far we're going to go?"

"I'll be alright." Jet said, stretching his limbs. "This wouldn't be the first time I did something similar to this. I have a lot of stamina." Amethyst heard that and blush, she was a witness to that.

Yeah, I was there too, when this fucker glorified said trait and then needed to sit down before you tried to fuse with Pearl.

Steven and Connie got on Lion and with that, Greg took off. Jet and Lion took off as well with Jet matching Lion's speed.

The group went down the coastline of Beach City and Jet noticed that the major was sobbing with a water hose. He was trying to fill the ocean back on his own. Jet let out a sigh and kept going.

It’s called desperation. It’s called a comedic interlude. It’s called an annoyance by you, and you seem to find it so important to annoy us with what annoys you. It serves only to make your story more annoying than usual, author!

The crew was going to the outer-skirts of Beach City with Greg's van as the pack leader. Jet figured that someone had a general direction of where they were going. Jet was admiring the view of the outskirt

Outskirt of what, exactly? The author hasn’t even bothered to tell us this little troupe is driving specifically out into the dried-out ocean floor.

until he seen Garnet roll out of Greg's van. Jet stopped in his tracks to help her out.

"What was that about?" Jet said, helping her up.

"Nothing important." Garnet said. "Greg was playing something I didn't like."

Playing hard to get, or the exact opposite, I wonder.

"Umm, Okay?" Jet said, as he noticed the van coming to a stop. "I think they're waiting on you." Garnet nodded and headed towards the van. Jet raised an eyebrow and resumed running again.


What is even the point of all of this. No, only having half of the joke will not make it funny. No, raising an eyebrow does not make for a good substitution. No, using 95% of the canon as part of your fanfic does not make you an author.

It was night time and the group was still traveling. Jet was on top of Greg's van along with Garnet. His legs started to ache around sunset. Connie and Steven were still traveling via Lion with Connie holding on to Steven. She appeared to have dose off from the traveling.

Are you sure that’s the only reason, because I’m having trouble staying awake myself.

Pearl was driving the van with Greg and Amethyst in the backseat fast asleep.

"I can't believe Lapis would do this." Steven said, as the van and Lion were side by side. "Gems shouldn't be fighting."

"We're always fighting gems actually." Pearl said.

Yeah, and from Opal’s debut, we can deduce that Jet has been shattering them all along, and the author thinks you do so, too!

"What?" Steven said, looking towards her.

"Oh, how should I put this? Not all gems are good." Pearl stated.

#NotAllGems? Hey, I couldn’t go for the obvious joke and nominate Jet for the tenth time, right?

"All those monsters we fight, used to be just like us...right Pearl?" Amethsyt said, startling Pearl a bit.

Do I honestly need a ‘misspelled name’ counter for your gem waifu, author?

"Yes." Pearl said. "But they become corrupted and broken. We have to take care of them, subdue them, contain them. It's the best what we can do for them, for now."

"Corruption..." Jet whispered, with his head lowered. Garnet looked at him but said nothing.

Because for this author to give any depth, elaboration, or even an attempt at expanding the canon with his own original ideas needs a divine intervention for that to ever happen.

Part 1 done. I predict ridiculous and infuriating contrivances in the battle to come. Jet saving the Gems for the first half, nearly banging Lapis for the second half. And none of it will have any effect in the long or even the short run.

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Re: Jet's Universe

Post by ConcernedGamer » Wed Oct 04, 2017 3:13 pm

I wish I could churn these out faster, but I have a job now. Adult life is such a bore. But not as much as this author's imagination. Here’s Chapter 9, Part 2.

"If we don't then..." Before Pearl could finish, she heard Steven and Connie gasped. She looked ahead and noticed that it was a huge tower of water ahead of them.

Shit, they’ve entered the Water Temple, I’m out.

The van and Lion edged closer to the water tower and Jet and Garnet got off the roof of the van. The others followed suited and got out of the van. Steven and Connie got off of Lion.

"This is it." Garnet said. "Lapis Lazuli is here."

Now, now, let’s not jump to any hasty conclusions, it's only a giant column of the entire ocean, I mean, she could be anywhere but here, right?

"I don't understand." Pearl said, appearing on the right side on Garnet. "What does she want with the Earth's ocean?"

"You shouldn't be here!" A thunderous voice boomed.

Pssst, Jet, she’s talking to you.

"She sensed us." Garnet said.

"Lapis Lazuli! It's me, Steven!" Steven yelled towards the water tower. Suddenly a face formed within the water. It was Lapis.

"Go away! Before I make you!" Lapis threatened.

I had hoped for a few more water puns, to be honest, that sendoff was kind of dry.

"But we're suppose to be buddies!" Steven said. Suddenly face of Lapis got closer to Steven, startling him a bit.

"You're one of them! One of the crystal gems!" Lapis said. Amethyst slammed her fist together and both her and Pearl was getting ready to attack.

Stop the endless fist-slamming, author, you shonen weaboo. Amethyst uses a whip, let her fucking present it already!

Garnet held them by the shoulders.

"Easy." She stated, not letting her own anger get to her.

Anger? Does this author not even realize that there are more complex depth to this than a basic, intense and hostile emotional response?

"What do you mean?" Steven asked. "We're all gems, right? Just let us help you!"

"You don't understand. Just...leave me alone." Lapis said, her face disappeared into the water. Steven got closer to the water.

Meanwhile, Jet had evaporated.

"We're not leaving Lapis!" Steven said, slapping the water tower with his hands. "Not until you give us back our ocean!" After he said that, a hand grabbed him by the collar, it was a water clone of Steven.

It was a tower of water. It was Lapis. It was a water clone. Is there supposed to be a dramatic sting underscoring these reveals or are you making a homage to the Dio meme?

"I said... leave me alone!" The clone had the voice of Lapis. The clone proceeded to punch Steven making him fly back from the impact. Garnet caught him before anything serious happened.

Because a punch that sends you flying is nothing serious, of course.

The others looked at the tower and noticed that there were water clones of themselves stepping out of the tower. Their eyes glowed in anger.

No, that’s just phosphor pollution, you embellishing hack.

"Interesting." Jet said. The others looked at him in bewinderment.

Had they forgotten he was even there, or is it because the author has made them create clones of themselves nonstop already to make this an entirely dull yet actually trained-for moment?

"Greg, kids, you stay behind us! We'll handle this!" Pearl said.

"Sounds good to me!" Greg said as he went to hide behind a boulder. Steven, Connie and Lion backed off a little as well. The crystal gems summoned their weapons and the clones did the same.

"Uh oh." Amethyst said, looking a bit worried. Pearl looked a little shocked.

Yeah, I don’t think this is what the fandom meant by her being “thirsty”.

"Stand together." Garnet said. "Don't let them seperate..." Before she could finish her sentence, her clone hit her, making her fly backwards. She tried to stop herself by planting her feet on the ground but that didn't help. She slammed into a boulder, making smoke appear around her.

"Garnet!" Steven shouted, worried about her. He was relieved when the smoke cleared and Garnet stood up. She cracked her neck as if nothing happened.

That is what you think a neck crack is meant to indicate, author? It’s a variation of cracking your knuckles, to display you are about to throw down by warming up your joints or for intimidation. Have you ever conversed with someone else about the things you like?

The clone rushed towards her and she towards it. The two clashed, trading a barrage of fists that created a crater beneath them. The clone threw a fist at Garnet, which she ducked and counter with her own punch. The punch went right through her clone's head. Garnet looked shocked at this and the clone grabbed her and kicked her towards another boulder.

It’s the clone reforming its head that is shocking, author, because destroying that head without this happening would make Garnet happy, you aimless transcriber.

Amethyst was having her own problems with her clone as well. She hurled boulders at it, which it dodge effortlessly. Amethyst was getting fed up by the second.

No wonder, since the author is on an endless repeat of the canon scene, yet can’t even describe how her clone is dodging via morphing, instead making it come across like a ballerina.

"Aww, Come on!" She yelled in fustration. She felt a whip wrap around her leg and before she could respond, she was in the air. The clone made her hit the ground hard, causing a crater to form upon her impact. The smoke cleared and Amethyst was in her "wrestler" form.

Amethyst, no, there are children present!! Oh, wait, the author doesn’t know how quotation marks work, nevermind.

"Well, as long as we're playing fair!" She said, as she leapt in the air. She yelled as she darted towards her water clone.

Pearl dodged a strike from her clone and countered with her own. The clone dodged and before it could strike, Pearl cut it down the middle. Pearl smiled as the clone seemed defeated until, it created two more copies of itself. Pearl frowned and drew another spear from her gem.

Aside from meticulously transcribing the show, what effort is there even in this trash? It’s getting painful to read when you know the author could have done anything else. Extended the scenes, changed it up, something, anything!

"I hate fighting me." She said, as she spun her spears around. The clones charged at her and she was able to block their attacks.

Jet, on the other hand, was having a blast. His clone throw a barrage of swords at him.

Typical, even the introduction of Jet’s clone was as absent from this fanfic as he is. And neither of them knows the proper use of a sword.

This was a new attack and he took on a stance. His eyes turned blue and he was able to deflect every one of the swords that was heading towards him.

"What else you got?" He asked, as the clone drew out a katana. "Ah, finally realized me as a threat? Let's go then!"

A barrage of water swords that demanded you to be in Marty Stu ascended mode to deflect, is somehow below a single fucking katana now? Which brain half did you get installed backwards at birth?

He rushed towards the clone and the clone towards him. Their swords collided and created a massive shockwave that disturbed the others' clones for a brief second.

And that was it, one paragraph. Either this author is nearly as bored of Jet as I am, or everything cool he thinks is happening with Jet is going on inside his head.

Lion was trying his best to take out the Steven clone that was trying to do harm to it. He throw out roars that transmitted into powerful soundwaves but the clone effortlessly dodged them.

Can you guess what else was done effortlessly, author? Your entire fanfic.

"C'mon, Lion!" Connie cheered.

"You can take me!" Steven said cheering as well. Unfortunately, as soon as he said that, Lion was sent back flying towards the van. The van buckled from the impact.

"Oh no!" Greg said, running towards it. "Not the van!"

"Revenge!" Both Steven and Connie said as the ran towards the clone. Connie throw a rock at it, which phrased through it and the clone stood there, as if waiting for them to finish doing what they were doing.

Well, it’s probably waiting for Steven’s cue to use a water gun against it, but this author can’t even describe how the clones are using water either.

Apparently, the clone waited as long as it could before stretching it's limbs out towards the kids. It surronding their heads in water, causing Connie to nearly pass out. Steven, since he was half gem, was fine but had more concern for Connie.

Fine? Steven needs to breathe too, dumbass. How the fuck can you even be siphoning out the stakes with your piss poor interpretations of these episode?

Jet noticed the ordeal the kids were in and shot a quick blast of electricity towards the clone of Steven.


Water. Electricity. I’ve felt it for a long while that you were every bit the high school dropout you advertise your self-insert as, author, but is the enigma of the bathtub and the toaster really that incomprehensible to you?!

Since it didn't notice, it exploded upon impact. Jet let out a sigh of relief before dodging his clone's next attack. Steven cough up water and checked to make sure Connie was ok, which she was. Steven looked around to see that the other were still fighting their clones and then he looked back towards the water tower. Steven's clone had returned, ready to strike once more. Steven's started to get a little angry, as the clone of himself formed a sphere of water in its hand.

A stern face has more behind it than your kindergarten level basics on emotional interpretation, author.

"Lapis, I don't want to fight anymore." Steven said. The clone got ready to throw the sphere of water at Steven. "I said I don't want to fight!" The clone threw the sphere and at the moment Steven was able to summon a shield, the vibration from the sphere hitting it caused the clone of himself and the other clones to disperse.

And do you know why this hold no importance whatsoever? Because the author has never brought up this ability, ever, and skipped its first appearance of episode one. Every important moment has had half its soul removed in this imperfect retreading.

"Whoa." Jet said, surprised and amazed at what Steven just did. The other gems had a similar response. Steven shield slowly vanished and he walked up to the water tower.

"Lapis, I'm coming up to see you." Steven said, looking up. "So, please don't drown me."

"Wait, Steven!" Connie said, as Steven jumped into the tower and the force of the water sent him flying up. Jet set down, his breathing a little hard as he noticed Connie looking up at the tower.

"He'll be fine." Jet said, startling her a little. "He probably went to go talk to her..."

No shit, Sherlock. Was it expected of the pacifistic child demanding no more fighting to go up there to finally thrown down? You are not even just stating the obvious, Jet, you are reiterating it!

Connie smiled and continued to look up.

"Of course, if it was me, I'll be doing a little more than talking..." He whispered. "I'd...ouch" He felt someone slap his head and turned around to see who it was. It was Amethyst, sporting a light blush on her face.

Author, not that I’m surprised your knowledge of relationships aren’t up to par, but this is neither how jealousy nor any response to unfaithfulness works in one.

"You'd what?" She said, looking at him with one eye open.

"Nothing." Jet said quickly. Jet mentioned for Amethyst to sit next to him. She did and rested her head on his shoulder. Jet blushed at this and looked up. the water tower still intacted.

Your English skills are flawed, author. I mean this sincerely. Something is wrong with your ability to convey your own language and this platform is not doing you any good. Seek help.

'What are you doing up there Steven?' Jet thought, as he continued to look at the tower. Suddenly, chucks of water started to come down. 'What the hell?'

"The whole tower's coming down." Garnet said, as chunks of water continue to splash around them.

"What about Steven?" Greg asked, looking up. Connie and Lion looked at one another then Connie jumped on Lion's back. Lion created a warp and the two were gone. The emerged a second later with Steven with them. The water started to surround them but Steven and the other gathered around the van and Steven created a bubble to protect them.

Gotta love that hive mind everyone must have to let this author breeze through all these intricate interactions.

It took some time for them to float back to Beach City, but at least the mission was successful: they had returned the Earth's ocean back. When the van landed on shore, it completely broke down. Lion slamming into it must've done a number on it.

Yes, or the author can never imagine the alternative, even when he prevented clone Steven from trashing it entirely. What next, is Greg going to break his leg accidentally?

Jet and the others hopped off of it (as they were riding on top of it with Greg in Pearl inside)

I’ll expect Steven’s new sibling in nine months, then.

and Jet patted Steven on the back.

"I gotta know, Steven." Jet said. "What did you say or do to make her return the ocean."

Something you’d never have thought of doing, seeing how you were only concerned about tapping her blue ass crack.

"I healed her." Steven said.

"You healed her?" Jet repeated.

Funny how the Gems knew, what with Steven’s first instinct being to run off from healing Connie to tell them, yet you were never informed, Jet. Had a little falling out with your close-like-family friends, or do I need to beat the dead horse about the author’s unoriginality again?

"Healing powers, eh? You're getting stronger dude." He high-fived Steven, who was happy that Jet was giving him praise.

"She was just using the ocean as a means to get back to her home." Steven said.

Her only option, since Jet’s salivating libido clearly wouldn’t even be phased by a restraining order.

"That shield you did was awesome! How did you-" Jet started.

"Look!" Connie said, interrupting Jet. The citizens of Beach City started to head towards them. Jet's guard was raised as he didn't know what they were going to do.

”Look! They’ve returned the ocean! Kill them!”

Go get your edgelord points from actual genuine conflicts, you fucking simpleton.

His worries was cast aside as the major lifted up Steven and the citizens started to cheer.

"So, Lapis made it off planet." Garnet said, as Pearl walked next to her.

"What does it mean for us?" Pearl said, looking a bit concern.

Well, according to the author, you should probably be angry.

"We wait and see." Garnet said, looking up a the sky. As Steven was high-fiving some of the citizens, he took a break to look up at the sky as well.

"See you Lapis... whatever you are..." Steven said.

Whatever? Whatever she is?! Are you deaf, stupid, or entirely brain-dead, author? ‘Wherever’, you ignoramus. To have Steven state your randomly chosen ‘totez not same story, u guiz’ rewording removes all context and resets Steven's comprehension of everything that's going on. He knows what she is, you moron! A Gem. And she sure as fuck isn't something else. Oh, you might say, she's a Homeworld Gem. No difference, Steven should know nothing of it, not even care, and even so with Jet spouting war tidbits thus far would leave Steven with exactly enough knowledge to not leave him guessing or lamenting allegiances. He could just as well have said “See you Lapis, I guess.”, you two-bit story-counterfeiter!!

Well, at least Lapis dodged the self-insert, just barely. How long will her luck last, I wonder? I know mine ended at Chapter 1.

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Re: Jet's Universe

Post by ConcernedGamer » Sat Oct 14, 2017 4:26 pm

Well, I have some bad news and some good news. With me getting a full-time job, I probably won't get to update my mocks outside of the weekends, though possibly with exceptions made for group mocks where I have to deliver on expected time. But, due to nearly an hour long public commute to and from work,
I have time to mock full length chapters, if not more than one mock in the days leading up to my update window. As such, from here on, no more part-dividing will be done. Likewise, updating my WordPress for my previous mocks will also be solely happening on weekends.
Which reminds me, I've recently uploaded the group mock, League of Angels: The Devils Gambit, one of the last big mocks completed at the last days of Project A.F.T.E.R., shared by myself, GorillaGamer and other fine mockers of fanfics. Check if out if you've gotten tired of my rambling complaints on this fanfic. Speaking of which. Here's Chapter 10, Warp Tour.

Here's the next chapter of Jet's Universe and I hope that you do enjoy it.

Sounds like you are desperately maintaining that denial about your readers’ enthusiasm, author.

After the chapter, (if you're interested) there will be some facts about Jet if you would like to get to know him a little more.

Long shot, I know, but is there any chance that I could get to know him less?

It's optional and will not impact the story at all so if you don't read it, it's not going to impact your overall enjoyment of the story.

It won’t even if I do, because that’s the nature of everything you write!!

As usual, the characters in this story do not belong to me, that honor goes to Rebecca Sugar.

You don’t even want to admit to your own crime of inventing Jet, do you?

Chapter 10

Warp Tour

Jet and the gems just finished their current mission and was making their way back to the warp pad. Amethyst and Pearl was going over the play-by-play of what they did in order to bring success to the mission.

”I must say, Amethyst, these human greetings are weird but fitting. I do so enjoy it when you offer someone to clean their clocks for them.”

”And it was awesome how you went “I’m here to kick ass and fuse with Rose Quartz”, Pearl. I just wish you’d stop tearing up at the punch line.”

The mission was another capture mission, by the way.

Pray tell, when have they ever been anything else, not counting Jet’s alluded kill missions?

Steven was trailing slowly behind, as he was currently sick.

"Wait up." Steven said, dragging behind the group. Steven let out a sneeze with some of it landing on Garnet. "Sorry, Garnet."

"I'll live." Garnet said, wiping the area Steven sneezed on.

"Why did you agree to come on the mission if you weren't feeling good?" Jet asked.

It’s hay fever, a reaction to pollen which Pearl points out in the episode. The kid has healing saliva in his gob, twenty-four-seven, and you think he can even get remotely ill, author?!

"Because I wanted to help..." Steven said, before letting out another sneeze. Steven slowly made his way over. The others were already on the pad, waiting for him. When he got on the pad, they took off towards home. In the middle of the warping process, Steven was getting ready to sneeze again.

"Do it at Pearl!" Amethyst said, pointing a finger at her. Pearl looked a little concern at the suggestion.

"Steven, don't!" Pearl said.

No wonder you are so adverse to high schools if ‘phosa’ is such a complicated word for you to repeat, author. Stop treading away every joke that could distract me from your mess already.

Steven sneezed and it sent him flying further up. His head struck the outside of the warp stream, allowing him to see the outer part of the warp itself.

"Whoa!" He said, as he looked outward. He was gazing at what looked like outer space and the area was extremely cold as his snot from his nose was frozen solid. There were clouds that shot lighting out every one in a while and he could see what looked like other warp points. He saw something that caught his attention, but the author couldn’t describe it even remotely, so before he could truly see what it was he was pulled in by Garnet.

"Be careful." Pearl said. "It's dangerous to stick your head out of the stream."

"Why?" Jet said, opening one eye because he didn't like the warping process.

Connie seemed to enjoy warping immensely. I guess Jet is just allergic to fun.

"What's out there?"

"There isn't much air outside of the stream and it's very cold." Garnet said, flicking the frozen snot from Steven's nose.

"You guys! I've seen something out there, something warping!" Steven said, getting everyone attention.

"Steven, that's not possible." Pearl said, looking at him. "Your vision must be blurry."

"I can see perfectly." Steven said.

Every joke, gone, empty, wrong! I swear, this author just finds a way to miss the point of everything and rehashes a subpar version of the source material, thinking it’ll carry him just as good as had his fanfic been the show itself!

"I know there's something out there."

"There's nothing out there, Steven." Garnet said. "There hasn't been anything for a long time." By the time she finished that statement, the group was back in the temple. Jet opened his eyes and stretched his limbs. He was tired and decided to turn in for the night.

"Alright, my fellow gems." He said, as he headed for the door. "I'm headed home for the evening. I'll be back here in the morning. Have a good night." Before he got a chance to open the door, Amethyst rushed over and kissed him on the cheek, Jet smiled and headed home.

What intimacy. I still question every moment they interact where Amethyst needs to either shapeshift or use a foot stool to accomplish these glanced over interactions.

Morning seem to come rather quickly to Jet as he woke up with a start. He had a dream where he was fighting a giant monster and lost.

Sounds like a memory of Chapter 5 where Sugilite made you her bitch, and you have actually never won against a monster in this fanfic without the Gems’ help, now that I think about it.

He hoped it wasn't a vision of what was to come.

Who wants to bet money against this rigged chance that the self-insert got that unreasonable super power for no reason?

He stretched his limbs and got ready for the day. The first place he headed was to the restroom to take a shower and to brush his teeth. After spending about 20 minutes there, he went to his room and put on his usual garments and headed out.

Hold the fucking phone. A repeat of morning ritual pandering and you don’t bother mentioning the bland black hue of your wardrobe? Are you feeling alright, author?

When he got to the temple he could hear the faint voices of Pearl and Garnet. He rushed up the stairs and knocked on the door. Steven opened the door and blast him in the face with water.

"What the hay?" Jet said, getting a face full of water from Steven's water gun. Steven, realizing what he's done, started to apologize.

"Sorry, Jet." Steven said. Jet looked at Steven and Steven looked like he didn't get any sleep at all. He seemed to recover from his sickness though.

Spare me your micro-AU retcons, author.

"It's okay." Jet said, as Pearl handed him a towel to dry himself of with. "Thanks."

"Just for that, now you're not getting any cookies." Garnet said, holding a tray of fresh baked cookies.

How the ever-loving fuck does the author even want us to accept this non-sequitur sequence of events now?!

"Can I have one?" Jet asked, walking to get one. Garnet nodded and before he could grab one, the door leading to the gems' room opened.

"Cookies?" Amethyst said, rushing over. "I'll take 'em!" She quickly grabbed the tray from Garnet and started to devour as much as she could.

No nookie, no cookie, I guess.

"Hey!" Jet said, trying to grab one. "At least, save me one!" Amethyst ignored him and continue to munch down on them. "Okay, have it your way then..." Jet walked over to her and placed his mouth on hers, surprising her and the others. He parted her mouth apart and started to scoop out bits of cookie from her mouth. Amethyst was startled at first but then started to enjoy what Jet was doing. She had to hold back a moan as his tongue explored her mouth. After a few more seconds, Jet parted from her, licking his lips in the process.


I was just about to follow up on my joke on how long it had been since the lemon, but I’d rather know what possessed you to decide to eat out your girlfriend, right in front of everybody who you so far made respond less than favorable to any intimate act between the two of you.

"Great cookies, Garnet." Jet sad, holding a thumbs up. He noticed that Steven was staring blanking at him, Pearl had a huge blush on her face and Garnet just give Jet a thumbs up as well. Amethyst had a huge blush on her face.

Is there a fetish I haven’t heard of here? Is this new? I’m starting to see other reasons for why your first girlfriend left you, Jet, as the author just mind-controlled everyone to simply approve and pass this off as business as usual!

"So..." Jet said, looking to get attention away from him. "Why'd you spray me with water? And why are you by the door and not in bed?" He was talking to Steven, of course.

What did I just say? Okay, people. Back to the scene, like you rehearsed it. From the top!

"Sorry... I just...I didn't..." Steven started to mumble.

"Didn't sleep." Garnet said.

"Maybe." Steven said.

"Oh, Steven. This isn't about the thing you think you saw outside the warp stream yesterday, is it?" Pearl asked, folding her arms.

"But it was real!" Steven said, clenching on to the water gun he had in his hands. "Something was warping somewhere in the warp." Pearl kneeled to where she was facing eye level with him.

"Listen," She started. "Nothing on Earth can use the warp but us. Do you understand?"

You sound rather certain of that despite the rogue half-gem out of nowhere, Pearl. Yes, we all know why.

Steven's eyes started to wonder elsewhere and Pearl noticed.

"Steven." Pearl said, getting his attention. "Nod in agreement if you understand..."

"I kinda believe him." Jet said, folding his arms. "But, then again, I don't know... should we check?"

"If it'll make him feel better, then let's." Garnet said. Steven smiled and headed upstairs to his room to get ready. After about 10 minutes the group headed towards the warp pad to an unknown destination. Jet closed his eyes, he didn't think that he'll ever get use to the feeling he gets from when he warps, it's an odd one.

The author is just pretending this is a character flaw that’s somehow going to balance out the Marty Stu litmus test, right?

The group warped to various locations from their past missions and each time, they didn't find anything suspicious at all. The last stop that they made was the location of the sky spiral. Jet smiled as he remembered this was the place where he met Opal.

I swear, if he actually ends up banging that fusion, it will at least amount to more attempted focus than that of my previously mocked Steven Universe fanfic authors’ combined sexual fantasies.

"Whoa!" Amethyst said, catching his attention. "Now that's something..." She pointed to the location of a goat, surrounded by little baby goats. "Steven Jr's been busy!" Jet groaned at this.

Yes, Jet, someone is allowed to have more sex than you do, so suck it up.

"This makes you a grandpa." She said to Steven, who didn't look all that excited.

"Congratulations." Garnet said, placing a hand on Steven's head.

"Hey!" Steven said. "We're getting off task here."

No, you are painfully on track, despite the author’s inane attempts to pretend otherwise. While I’ve been fond of the term, I think I’ll abandon the ‘canon railroad’ in favor of the more apt alliteration of canon cruise control. The author goes the pace and alters at his own convenience before returning to the standard as if nothing happened.

"We've looked all over, there's nothing out here to find." Pearl said.

"But you're wrong." Steven said, a bit annoyed. Pearl looked offended by his response.

"Excuse me?" Pearl said, one of her eyebrows raised.

"I... I mean..." Steven said, backing up a bit.

"Nothing on Earth can use these warps but us."

”Not even Jet, pathetic as he is.

She said, folding her arms.

"Well, what if it came from space?" Steven said.

Speaking of which, did Pearl’s space meltdown happen in this continuity. Well, of course, with this author it did, I just want to know if Jet stood and watched as the rocket blew up, on the off chance debris could have hit him.

"That sounds like a possibility." Jet said, placing his hands inside the pockets of his trench coat. Pearl didn't say anything and the group once again warped to another location. This time, the location was unfamiliar to Jet as he, himself, never seen it before. It was a huge area, with several warp pads around it. There was one warp pad that seemed to stand out, as it was the biggest one there. It also had several cracks around it and looked as though it was out of order.

"What is this place?" Jet said, looking around.

"We've been here that one time when you didn't want to come on a mission." Amethyst said, stepping off of the warp pad.

Yeah, and it is called the Galaxy Warp, author, and these characters know this. Why don’t you?

"These are the warps that once connected us to other planets." Pearl said, headed towards the biggest one. Steven was right behind her, with an angry expression on his face.

How about exhausted, annoyed, frustrated? Anger is such a narrow, limiting, excluding one-note key on a piano in the grand spectrum of the descriptions the English language provides, and yet you’ve chosen to hit it and it alone, non-stop!

The others followed Pearl as well.

"If something tried to come from space, it would be through here." Pearl sad, pointing at the big warp. "But wait... this warp pad is broken. Marked inactive by the very depressed cartoon breakfast sticker you placed here yourself." Jet leaned closer to see what she was talking about and he groaned. It was a sticker from that stupid cartoon show that he hated.

It also happens to be Steven’s favorite show. My, it’s a wonder how I keep remaining unconvinced that you belong here, Jet.

"Look, Pearl's right like usual" Amethyst said, walking up to Steven. "You get use to it."

"We're safe." Garnet said.

"Well... I guess so." Steven said, not really buying it. He placed his hand on the sticker and the others let out a sigh of relief.

"Aw, man. Finally!" Amethyst groaned. "That took all day."

"I enjoyed myself." Jet said.

Liar. You dislike warping and you’ve frowned at anything you've responded to. And we didn’t even see the geode.

"Well, this was important to make Steven feel secured." Garnet said, placing a hand on her hip.

"Yes." Pearl said, folding her arms. "Steven feels much better now."

"I'm a little tired of you guys telling me how I feel."

Steven, may I please quote you on that for every bad fanfic you are in?

Steven said, turning to face them. "I know I saw something outside the stream."

"And I know you didn't." Pearl said. From that point, the two started to argue with one another. Garnet, Amethyst and Jet looked at each other.

"Umm, this is new." Amethyst said, as the two continued to argue. "I kinda like it."

This is old. I don’t like it.

"Steven, you just don't know what you're talking about." Pearl said, turning her head to the side.

"It sounds like... maybe..." Steven said. "you don't know what I'm talking about!"

Every Internet argument in a nutshell, am I right?

He shouted that last part, making everyone look at him in surprise.

"Okay, Steven. That's enough!" Garnet said, holding her hand up. "Let it go." Steven remained silent after that. The group made their way to the warp pad and headed home. Jet said his usual good-nights and headed home. He had a weird feeling that something was gonna happen but he shook the thought from his head and headed home. He opened the door to his house and decided to watch some T.V. before heading off to bed and headed home.

It was sometime later and Jet had dosed off watching some random show. There was a knock on the door and Jet slowly got up to answer it. It was Amethyst and she looked as though she was bored.

She’s here to tell the author to pick up the pace already!

"Hey, Amethyst." Jet said, yawning a bit. "What's up?"

"Nothing." She said. "Did I come at a bad time?"

"No." Jet said, as he started to step outside. Something didn't feel right to him and he didn't know what it was. "I've got a bad feeling that something's crazy is about to happen."

You’ve been living next door to the Crystal Gems for months and first now your bullshit, author-endowed plot sense starts tingling?

Amethyst raised an eyebrow at him.

"Like what?" Amethyst asked. As soon as she asked that, there was a flash of light from the temple.

"Like that!" Jet said, pointing towards the temple. The two took off in the temple's direction and quickly made their way up the temple's stairs. Jet looked around and noticed that Steven was nowhere to be found.

Yeah, you kind of get used to that a lot in this fanfic.

"Was Steven here before you left?" Jet asked.

"Yeah, he was bummed about the earlier situation." Amethyst said. Jet didn't say anything, instead he made his way to the gems' door.

"Garnet! Pearl!" Jet said, knocking on the door. "We have a little situation that's happening."

”For the last time, Jet. You and Amethyst should have used protection!”

Suddenly, the door opened to reveal Garnet, then soon after Pearl. They looked at Jet, wondering what was going on.

"I think Steven may be in trouble." Jet said, making his way to the warp pad. "I had a feeling of dread since this morning and I didn't know why. This must be the reason."

Stop boasting about your recent excuse for being part of the plot, and tell them what both you and Amethyst saw. Steven is in danger, you jackass!

Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl looked at each other for a moment then made their way to the warp pad. As soon as they stepped on, the pad activated and they took off.

During the streaming process, not counting buffering time and adds, Garnet stick her head out every once in a while to check on the location of Steven.

Motherfucker, do you just not grasp what future vision is and its application?! Garnet likely used it in canon to tell which warp to take when and where to grab Steven, through exploration and a fair share of trial and error, where from an outside perspective it would be one single unfaltering sequence of successful events. I couldn’t act as dumb as you about this even if I tried!!

Jet had his eyes closed so he couldn't be of much help at this point.

As we have to dismiss spotlight-stealing canon-hijacks by default, when has he ever been, author?

After sometime though, Garnet was able to locate Steven and pulled him into the stream with the rest of the crew. He was trying to catch his breath, as Garnet held onto him.

"Take deep breathes." Garnet said, as she held up an object that looked like a sphere. "So, this is what you saw." Jet opened one eye to take a peek at what Garnet was holding.

Come on, author, you can do it. Give one more description of it beyond its shape. Color, perhaps? No? No wonder black is your favorite color, everything is a silhouette to you.

"I don't care about that." Steven said, still holding onto Garnet.

"I do." Garnet said, lifting up her visor to wipe a tear from her eye. "I should've listen to you. You're a Crystal Gem too."

"Steven, are you OK?" Pearl said. "Jet seen the warp pad activated

Kind of an assumption on that since he never said anything of the sort. Do you even know you are off your own script, author?

and Garnet seen you floating outside the stream and...umm... what is that?" She was looking at the object Garnet had in her hand.

"Whoa!" Amethyst said. "That thing's far out!"

"It's some kind of space robot." Steven explained. "There were tons of them and they looked like they were all going to the same place." The crew landed at the destination that the warp to them and it was the same location that they had been to earlier.

What would the robonoids want with Steven Jr.?

The place with several warp pads around it.

Oh, well excuse my grammar.

The sphere shook free from Garnet's grasped and started to walk towards the huge warp pad. Jet looked and noticed that there were several other sphere-like robots that were swarming the pad.

"What are they doing to the home world warp?" Pearl asked, as she took a closer look.

Well, with Jet’s existence causing a constant lack of context, this might as well be one of those ‘ET phone home’ situations. Hole in roof and dent in the floor, you say? Oh, right, you and everyone else are relying on a memory twice the capacity of the author’s.

They started to shoot liquid from a compartment that was located on the front of them. The others followed and took a closer look as well.

"There's like a million of them." Jet said, looking in amazement. The robot stopped spewing their liquid and the huge pad (that was badly damaged) was fixed like new.

Quick, spray some of that gunk on this fanfic!

The crystal gems looked at it, slightly surprised.

"They fixed it?" Amethyst said, raising an eyebrow.

"What does that mean?" Jet asked, curious as to what was going on.


What does that mean?! I can’t tell if the author fucked up in Chapter 1 or is serving me shit now. You know what this means. Pearl sorta does too, but on a grander scale of “no hopes left” kind of “don’t know what it means”. You know the war happened, and now you are acting as ignorant as Steven, because the author can’t be assed to write original dialogue and instead have you grab the lines like a desperate improv actor having rehearsed a script!

"I...don't know." Pearl said, sweating a little. "I-" Before she could finish, a bright light casted from the home warp and Garnet, Pearl, Amethyst and Steven quickly hid behind one of the towers that were there. Jet followed her, drawing his weapon just in case. When the light cleared, a short figure could be seen looking around the area.



What the fuck are you going to call her once her limb enhancers come off?

"Who is that?" Pearl whispered.

"No idea." Garnet whispered back. The figure had green-like skin and she has light green, almost yellow, triangle shaped hair. She was wearing what looked like a clear visor over her face and she had a gem that was located on her forehead. She was wearing garments that constant of a dark green. Her fingers looked as though they were floating in mid-air.

Maybe they look like that for a reason, Jet. Maybe because it happens to be an obvious fact, you English-deficient clod.

Four of her "fingers" formed to make a screen and she looked as though she was checking data.

"Log date 3 1 2." She started to say. "This is Peridot, performing Earth hub maintenance check." Steven was peeking a little more than the rest of the group.

"Peridot." He said, looking back at them. "Her name is a Peridot... mmm..." Amethyst and Pearl covered his mouth before he could say anything else.

You better cover Jet’s mouth too, before he starts to lament on how he wants to tap that green ass.

"All 79 robots deployed and accounted for."

What are these ‘robots’ you speak of? Apart from me being a stickler about addressing robonoids, those are the very words spoken by Peridot herself later in the show, author, you incompetent dimwit. Whenever you try to disguise your copy-paste botch-job, you prove how little mimicking the show actually matters to you. You are copying to cover for your lack of writing abilities, and nothing else!!

Peridot continued. "Preparing to locate and manually reactivate kindnergar-" She stopped as one of the sphere-like robot, attempted to crew up her leg. She looked at it blankly, as it fell on its back. She stepped on it lightly before crushing it with her feet.

No reason, of course, not like it was damaged, because when would the author forget to mention that? A carbon copy from him would be made out of fool’s gold.

Steven gasped and covered his own mouth.

"Now, to activate the domestic warp." She said, walking down the steps of the warp. She looked around until she noticed the sticker on the side of the warp.

"Huh?" She said, picking up the sticker. "Hmm... this site may have been compromised..."

And the perpetrator’s name is InsaneGuy2010.

She looked around once more. She stepped on the warp pad and placed a green object on the pad. She warped away and the green object went off, causing the robots to deactivate. The group peeked out from the around the were hiding to check out if Peridot had done any damage.

Don’t bother, the grammar can’t be more broken than it already is.

"They're coming back..." Pearl said in a panic. "I can't do this... not again." Jet raised an eyebrow at her.

"Who's coming back?" Jet asked.

Allow me to remind you, Jet.
“My mother fled homeworld before the Gem Wars started and she meet my father thousands of years later. In short, I’m half human, half gem.”
That’s you, boasting forth with knowledge about the war for Earth lead by Rose Quartz which your mother somehow evaded and dodged corruption from while she was at it. How the holy heck have I not addressed that cascade of flogging-deserving plot holes already, I must be losing my touch!

"We're dead." Amethyst said. "We are so dead."

At least I can be satisfied in the knowledge that Jet will die a virgin. What, you thought rock holograms somehow count? I’m sorry, but neither would a fleshlight, even if it was sentient.

"Was that another gem?" Steven asked. "Where did she come from? What was she trying to do?" Garnet walked towards the home pad and summoned her gauntlets.

"It doesn't matter,"

I wasn’t ready for that sort of existential truth bomb, but being stuck in this fanfic, who can blame her?

Garnet said, enlarging them to a massive side. She lifted them above her head and smash down hard on the home pad, destroying most of it. "She's not coming back."

Some fun facts about Jet

Ha ha funny, or ha ha you think this is funny?

Species: Half human, half gem (a hybrid)

Unlike those half one thing, half something else, non-hybrids, of course.

Age: 17 (currently)

Just to avoid confusing those poor saps thinking he’s 17 in 1964.

Gem Type: Jet Stone

With the author’s marvelous originality, Stone is probably his family name, too.

Gem Location: Back (upper torso)

Alignment: The Crystal Gems

This is just a gemsona character sheet you filled out and copied off from, as you do, isn’t it?

Weapon: Katana (can summon two if he wishes. he's been trained to do so.)

It’s odd that it’s this late that I invoke “Show, don’t tell”, but I think we needed to justify the ‘tell’ in the first place.

Powers in associated with his gem: Electricity. He has the ability to use and manipulate electricity at will.

Oh, are we somehow already trying to forget the ‘random new power as the author demands upon recovery’ shtick? And how come he keeps getting downed by electric attacks himself, then?

Strength: Has a strong will and sense of justice. Determined and confident. Plot armor.

Weakness: Has trust issues. His anger sometimes. His pride. The author’s ego.

Oh my fucking stars, no one cares. You haven’t even told anything new, worthwhile or remotely interesting. Next, you’ll probably tell me what his favorite color is, or what he eats for breakfast. What are you even doing? Tell a story, make your characters come to life. Don’t bore me or anyone else with something you are going to make more wrong than right, where anyone can spot the reason for its flaws by mentally repeating back each scene, several paragraphs ahead of your detail-ducking ass. I’d call this wasted effort, but you’ve never spent an ounce on it!

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