New Spy

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ConcernedGamer
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New Spy

Post by ConcernedGamer » Sat Dec 30, 2017 11:30 am

New Spy, A Totally Spies! multi-crossover harem fanfic. I’ll come right out and say this, I am not as well versed in Totally Spies as I could be. Far more seasons exist than when I watched it while an innocent kid without my currently lovable snarky attitude and observational skills able to spot all the fetish fuel bait every episode snuck in. But I doubt that will matter much, seeing what author made the fic we are dealing with here. Dragonlord0. Oh boy. I have not personally mocked anything by him before, but my fellow fanfic mocker GorillaGamer has had the pleasure, with one such mock already being present on this forum.

Let me start by telling you about Sean Ashburn Krueger. He’s your typical flavor of self-insert author avatar wish-fulfilment delux double dick special, sloppily copy-pasted across various fanfics by Dragonlord0, existing in hypothetical iterations that can only be told apart by reading the title of whichever fanfic the demons happened to curse you to read unfiltered. He has two settings; smug or violent, mostly because the author can’t describe him when he’s neither. GorillaGamer, who I must compliment on the trust he has put in my mocking abilities in recommending this atrocity laid before me, deconstructed Sean rather well, calling him an unhumorous Chad meme, but I feel a need for a short summary of my observations of everything I know his iterations have in common.

Sean is a 20ish, cool-scarred, orphan Spartan. A greek with a capital 'G' if the author could spell, inferred to always be at peek physical performance to excuse any physical act ever attempted by him to succeed, no questions asked. The only struggle or opposition he’ll ever face and succeed against, outside of a veiled and troubled past, is ‘torture-porn’ heroic struggles when they are not in the forms of low-life thugs the author always - and I mean always - wants to portray as rapists, if only the author had the balls to let them get as far as even touch a woman in Sean’s presence. If not dispensing undeserved deaths, Sean is content with physical assault and school yard cussing levels of word play to resolve any conflict before him, or haughtily dismissing whatever pussy isn’t written to be slobbering at him as he walks by, which is probably meant to impress his arm candy in some way. Speaking of the blowup dolls, if still limiting himself to or below his mega-harem list of 452, Dragonlord0 have any woman he wants Sean to fuck have three states, making them somehow less shallow than Sean. These states are giggling, blushing, or painfully and specifically bleeding as Sean claims their virginity before expediently granting them a blissful orgasm. Said interaction is typically bookended by the mention of whatever law excuse the author finds appropriate to wedge in the possibility of Sean to have more than one wife, big surprise. On top of that, the author’s strong desire to inject names and references to random shit, blatant or otherwise, makes one wonder if he has any self-awareness at all. You have one guess where he got the last name from. In one story iteration, Sean's brother was named Freddy. Added with everything else on your Bingo card, expect Sean to have one or two more unknown or hidden special traits and abilities – like that one example of him being the Nicholas Cage Ghost Rider – despite his already pinnacle beginnings, and we’ve got a Marty Stu cocktail that’ll make you regret any and all life choices, including learning about this one. Overpowered, unopposed, and unflappable, Sean piggybacks on any canon plotline like they were two-dollar whores, being a white-knight fantasizing sadist’s wet dream, thinly disguised as a protagonist.

And now, having prematurely blown as much of my gripe and complaint material in one go as I could, let’s see how far my comedic talent can carry me through this 33 chapters long low-budget, low-talented fap-fic. Here’s Chapter 1, saving the kings son.

Chapter 1 freeing the kings son

Come on, you couldn't even stick the landing of your own chapter title from the story's drop-down menu, author? This had better not be a trend.

Three girls were in their home enjoying their day. One had blonde hair and blue eyes. One had red hair and green eyes and the last had black hair and brown eyes. These girls were known as Sam Clover and Alex they were spies.

Retirement would probably be for the better when you accidentally fuse two of them into one person, author.

"Ugh I hate Mandy I wish someone would put her in her place." Clover said in annoyance.

"Calm down Clover sure she's annoying but its nothing we cant handle." Sam said before the floor beneath them sucked them in a vent.

Why don’t these girls invite Mandy over for their man-eating house decor, since that’s all the author can define them by?

"Oh come on not now!" Alex yelled as the fell down on the landing.

"Good day spies." A man named jerry said smiling at them.

"Jerry is it to much for you to just call us like normal people?" Sam asked.

And have his calls be intercepted by other spy organizations? Come on, Sam, get with the program.

"Sorry but yes anyway your new mission is to rescue the king of Sparta's son." Jerry said brining up an image of a man with black hair and a black beard.

"Sparta the home of earths greatest warriors cool." Sam said.

Totally Spies! 480 BC.

I swear, if the author could have sex with Sparta itself, he’d do it, as far as I can tell. The jerkoff includes it’s in his fanfics whichever way he pleases, even as a planet a billion year into the future after America and its citizens as a whole was responsible for destroying the Earth.

"Yes indeed but this is serious the kings son has gone missing for the past 3 days who was responsible for a peace treaty about to be signed with Persia.

The rest of Greece can fuck off, though. Why would they matter in a war with Persia?

Without him the king is afraid a war could occur." Jerry said brining an image of the kings son. The man looked to be a year older then them 17 years old. He had brown hair green eyes dressed in a grey hoodie grey jeans and black boots.

"Talk about handsome." Alex whispered to the girls who blush.

Yeah, I know, people are so hot when their bodily features have been less described than the listing of three articles of clothing.

"Whats his name?" Sam asked.

"His name is Sean Ashburn Kruger the king adopted him since he was friends with his real parents when they were alive and wanted to make sure their son was taken care of." Jerry said

Apparently being both an orphan and a prince was needed this time. I’d call you a Disney Princess, Sean, but going by his extensive yet limiting harem lists, I don’t think the author knows what that is.

"Wow do we have any suspects or clues?" Sam asked.

Good question, but I don't even know if you have four walls around you and whether Jerry is wearing pants.

"Well council man Theron is the biggest suspect since he's hated the king and his family for unknown reasons. Now your gadgets you may choose since this is a very serious matter." Jerry said giving them what they needed.

This is code for ‘the author can’t be bothered and you won’t be using anything anyway’, isn’t it? Come on, author, the spy gimmick items were the best parts of the show. Oh right, I forgot for a moment why you were writing this story.

"We won't let you down Jerry." Sam said as they took off.

Sparta

I knew commas were a vain hope, but is font formatting a myth to this author?

The king known as Leonidas was in his home waiting for some news of his son to be heard.

"Sir some girls from the organization are here to see you." A solder said.

With this being Sparta, are we sure he didn’t send for men? Oh, you meant the highly secret spy organization WOOHP, why of course, show them right in, announce them to the world while you are at it.

"Very well solder let them in." Leonidas said.

The girls walked in and admired the room.

"Im glade you could come please you must help find my son he is the only one who can help ensure this peace treaty." The king said.

”The fact that he’s my adopted son is just kind of a trivial detail, really.”

"What happened before he kidnaped?" Alex asked.

"A few of the council were not exactly happy with the peace treaty since Sparta and Persia have always been at each others throats for centuries but my son managed to convince them to stop the blood shed." The king said.

Yes, I’m sure that’s something that happened ‘before he kidnaped’ and when grammar was in a better place, but how about briefing them about how he disappeared?

"Is there anyone you think would do this?" Sam asked.

"Theron is the most likely since he's one who believes in letting only blood lines take place as king." Leonidas said.

”As king, I’m utterly powerless to look into this matter myself, of course.”

"We'll look into him. Alex you look around to see what you can find." Sam said as they left.

Later

Alex was looking though various places to find the kings son. She turned on a heat scan and found there was an underground lair beneath her.

This was very significant as she was currently in who the fuck knows where.

"Well lets have a look." Alex said to herself finding an access door and found it was abandoned.

"Well look what we have here." A voice said that she heard before she was knocked.

Is the author just scrambling for the harem to start? I’m starting to suspect entire sentences were discarded from this story, at this point.

With Sam and Clover

They were looking through Theron's office. They found all sorts of proof that he was behind this.

A signed confession, surveillance photos, and documented finger prints, I’m sure. Do we need Yu-Gi-Oh! cards before this author’s attention can be fastened enough on this plot?

"So he's the one behind all this but why?" Clover asked.

"Because he wants a war to happen. This was he can overthrow the king and take his place instead of his family." Sam said as the files she found listed all sorts of plans he made.

Because there are all sorts of reasons why prolonging centuries of no peace will result in dethroning the king, you see.

"We better warn him." Clover said as they left not knowing what was about to happen to Alex.

With Alex

Alex opened her eyes and found herself being dragged to a cell.

Oh my, how surprising, who could have guessed this richly detailed and carefully crafted rescue scenario would be flipped on its head?

"Look she's waking up time to see what she's like." A man said about to strip her but as they opened the door she was pulled in making her nearly scream but a hand clamped over her mouth.

"Do as I say and you live. I'm not going to hurt you but they will do horrible things to you unless you do as I say ok?" The man whispered making her see he was trying to protect her.

"What do I need to do?" Alex asked shaking.

"Take off your suit its what they want trust me I won't do anything."

And next, when he tells you to spread your legs, just go along with it, Alex, he knows what he’s talking about. Is he even any better than the thugs he’s pretending to save her from?

The man said holding her close making her sigh and with shaking hands took off her suit revealing her nude but happy and relieved he kept his eyes on her face as she handed him her suit and he threw it at the guards who took it away laughing.

I guess the rapists were just too stupid to realize that they hadn’t actually raped her, after they stood with her clothes in their hands.

"Sorry about this but I knew what they were going to do to you so I had to act for your safety." The man said giving her a large jacket to cover herself.

"Thank you." Alex said covering her body. She then looked at the man dressed in grey jeans and black boots. His chest was very muscled and had a six pack. She looked at his face and gasped.

"Your the kings son." Alex said.

It was the cleft chin, lazy eye, and Hitler mustache that gave him away, wasn’t it?

"Yup. I assume my dad asked for help to find me?" Sean asked making her nod.

Or she could be a random citizen who knows how you look, beef-brains.

"Yeah. How do we get out of here?" Alex asked shivering but found a blanket over her body and saw he gave it to her. She could see he had a very kind heart since he not once looked at her nude body but just her face which made her smile.

Stop with the waxing of your author avatar virtue signaling already. The fact that you tell us this makes anyone believe the opposite, author. Or your self-insert could be gay, just saying.

"Well I had a plan to get out when they came back but now because of you we can get out faster just stay close to me." Sean said kicking the door down and crashed it into a guard who was in front of it killed in the process.

Remind me, how were you a prisoner for three days up until this point?

Sean found her suit with him and threw it to her.

"Thanks." Alex said getting dressed again. They soon ran down the halls.

And thus, the author jerking it to the subplot of his self-insert not jerking it has ended.

"Hang on." Sean said picking her up bridal style making her blush but squealed as he jumped very high and out of the prison.

Was not being a horn dog such a demanding effort that you forgot about the supposed underground lair, author?

"Whoa how'd you do that?" Alex asked in excitement.

"Spartan training now come on my dad needs to hear this." Sean said picking her up and ran to the meeting.

Apparently he can channel muscle blood flow only when denying himself an erection, since Alex being there somehow made this easier for him.

With he council

"This is absurd why should we listen to these outsiders?" Theron yelled trying to cover his actions.

"We have proof you've been plotting to overthrow the king and his family for months this just made you act faster." Clover said.

Now you just make it sound like these events weren’t even part of his plans.

"Lies you tramp!" A man said before a shield was thrown at him. They all turned and saw the kings son and Alex enter.

"Alex!" Clover and Sam yelled happy she was ok.

From their perspective they’ve never even imagined she was in any trouble, author, you brainless buffoon. How about you got inspired by the shows that you watch, on a deeper level than just fan service?

"What they say is true Theron tired to overthrow my father so he could gain control."

”And I know this from squatting in a prison for a few days.”

Sean said shocking the whole council and glared at Theron who tried to run away but Sean threw a Speer at his leg making him yell in pain. "Your going to pay for your crimes." Sean said punching him in the face.

Later

"You were forced to do what!" Clover asked Alex as she told them her story.

She was forced to avoid being raped by willingly stripping in front of her would-be rapists. Yeah, I wouldn’t believe that one either, Clover.

"Yeah it was really embarrassing but he said it was for my protection since he said they do terrible things I knew what he was talking about so I stripped

Such terrible things as saying the suit looked so last season or that she looked fat in it.

but he never looked at my body just my face and when I was naked he gave me his jacket and a blanket to cover me."

He would have pulled out a couch, too, but the warden had momentarily taken away his luxury privileges.

Alex said blushing remembering how close they were together as he covered her from her attackers.

"Aw thats so sweet." Sam said.

"I wish he could come with us though." Alex said as they had to leave in an hour.

Oh, I just can’t wait for thirty more chapters of the author’s imaginary flesh lights being decently treated like human beings for short lengths of time, only to fawn over the fact for even longer lengths of time, in lieu of romance. Shit.

Later

Alex sighed in sadness as she Sam and Clover walking into their school.

"Whats wrong Alex?" Sam asked already guessing what she was sad about.

"I miss him." Alex said but saw the shocked looks on their faces before smiling. "What are you smiling about?" Alex asked before a finger tapped her shoulder. She turned around and saw Sean smiling at her.

I’m completely surprised by this turn of events, in the fact that the author unintentionally introduced Sean like another of the girls’ 'crush of the week' backdrop hunks.

"Wha?" Alex tried to say but just pulled him into a hug. "What are you doing here?" Alex asked happy to see him.

”I’m here to fuck your redheaded friend. Did I ever learn your name?

"Well my dad and that Jerry guy talked me to coming here and so surprise." Sean said making her and the girls giggle happy to see him.

”I was supposed to prevent a war with Persia, of course, but who gives a shit?”

"Hello handsome." A woman said with an annoying laugh and voice. He turns and sees a girl with black hair and purple eyes.

"Mandy leave him alone." Sam said.

I guess this is where that brilliant setup in the opening of the chapter comes full circle jerk or however that metaphor goes.

"Come on handsome lets leave these little whores." Mandy said and shrieked as he punched a locker right next to her head and shakes as it went right through it and glared at her.

"Get lost little whore now."

You kiss your own biceps with that mouth?

Sean said in a dangerous tone making her nod and ran away in fear. "What a bitch." Sean said while the girls snickered before bursting out laughing.

I’d laugh at this strutting Neanderthal, too.

"Oh I'm so happy your here more then ever now." Alex said hugging his arm.

Later back at the house

The girls had no problem with him staying with them at all.

Charging him rent would of course make them feel like whores in the end.

Sean was on the couch about to fall asleep till he felt something on top of him. He opened his left eye slightly and saw Alex in her nightgown showing him she was in a bra and thong. Sean smiled holding her close which made her smile happy he was here with her and the girls.

I have rarely seen a fanfic crash and burn on the first chapter like this one did. Every instance that wasn't about the author's dick graciously hovering near a girl without looking at them with lust, was an excuse to make the situation itself happen. This chapter only served to establish why and for how long Sean will be staying with the girls, and both answers are ‘available pussy’!

Authors note: Friend of mine asked me to make this so here it is.

Well, shit, you must hate your friend with this dumpster fire of a fanfic to show for it. What do you mean this is what amounts to effort from you?

This will be a harem like all my stories and have girl on girl action. No Mandy isn't in it.

As I am still somewhat willing and able to give you credit, author, I’ll at least say you have either better integrity, or a picky enough palette to not simply convert the pussy you don’t like into something more suitable. I’ve seen bimbofication at its worst in fanfics, this one had better not go there.

List of girls are.

Alex

Sam

Clover

?

?

?

Three unannounced victims? I’m guessing MILF alert of the girls’ mothers, but then again, random nameless background characters are not even immune to this author’s appetite.

See ya

Not if I see you first.

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GorillaGamer
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Re: New Spy

Post by GorillaGamer » Sat Dec 30, 2017 8:01 pm

Mock's looking great so far. I can't wait to see your reaction to the crazy shit that goes on in the later chapters.
Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
An old quote from Project PATREON.

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ConcernedGamer
Posts: 25
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Re: New Spy

Post by ConcernedGamer » Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:21 pm

GorillaGamer wrote:
Sat Dec 30, 2017 8:01 pm
Mock's looking great so far. I can't wait to see your reaction to the crazy shit that goes on in the later chapters.
See, now you have me worried, seeing as that sounds beyond a typical 'introduce slut, fuck her, move on' expediency I had sort of hoped for from this author. I guess I better brace myself, then.

Anyway, people may have checked out the link I put up on Chapter 1 to an image of 452 individual fictional women, addressing it as Dragonlord0's harem list. That wasn't a joke. I feel I need to emphasize this. The list was first provided to me by GorillaGamer back in the time of Project AFTER, in order to let it dawn on me and others as to what type of guy Dragonlord0 presented himself as through his work. Drooling pussy glutton comes to mind, but feel free to substitute your own ideal phrasing to summarize this catastrophe. 452! I counted them. I am only emphasizing this to make you understand my intimacy with this list. GorillaGamer provided it, I was then the guy who decided to count them while making sure there were no repeat offenders, no misspelled mistaken identities, and no original characters smuggled in. While the author did mess one or two names up, all 452 were individual characters, and he wants them in one single harem. StabbyKobold, another fellow mocker, then took the time to graphically represent the list by concocting the aforementioned image, so as to help in letting the number properly sink in.

Now, onto why I am prattling on about this again, elaborating like I was tooting my own horn and overly waxing my minor contribution to this whole debacle for the sake of senseless self-gratification over half an hour's workload. I forgot the origin of this list. This very fanfic, I have finally recalled, is the origin of that list. It appears in Chapter 18, written by Dragonlord0's very own - for his unappreciated sake - hopefully carpal tunnel syndrome immune hands. And it deserves mocking whether he fails or succeeds, as he is seeking some boon in fulfilling this lose-lose scenario carve out of pure puberty hormones and romance-underperformance anxiety. And as such I'll keep this author to his utterly laughable, self-ridiculing ambitions by branding it and this fanfic for what it is. The author's personal, glorified grocery list printed onto a jizz-napkin. To do so, I will provide the image after each chapter, crossing out each achieved commemorative blowup-doll the author has accomplished to imaginarily pork with his ego-manifested, desperately-wished-for dream persona, so I can personally laugh at the goal he has set for himself, and of how little or how much he has managed to go through with it.

Wow, I've gotten rather mean-spirited as of late, I realize. Better put it to good use then. Here's Chapter 2, first mission.

Chapter 2 first mission

Sean yawned as he opened his eyes and found Alex still on his chest. Smiling he ran his hand through her hair making her smile and opened her eyes. She enjoyed her night with him feeling safe in his arms happy her mom wasn't home for another week otherwise she would have freaked.

Clover’s cougar mother demands she has the first turn with any new boy toy that gets brought home.

"Aww how cute." Clover said startling them. Alex hid her face in his chest while he simply shakes his head in amusement.

"Can you please give me some privacy so I can get dressed?" Sean asked getting up showing them he only had his green camouflage boxers on making them blush seeing his muscled body.

These trollops are impure as sin for not looking at your self-insert’s face with only kind hearts, author, you fucking hypocrite.

"Yeah sure bathroom is over there." Alex blushing. Once he was gone Sam and Clover huddled around Alex.

"So what happened last night?" Sam said smirking.

"Nothing we just slept together no sex at all. Besides I'm not ready for that."

”I mean, if we fucked on Chapter 1, what reason would anyone have to keep reading this story?

Alex said blushing up a storm as she got her regular cloths on.

"We're just teasing you Alex." Clover said smiling.

"You know I overheard some of the solders saying he was allowed more then one lover. Care to share?" Sam asked making Alex blush.

What is even this crypto-law harem-apologetics business the author dabbles in all the time? What’s more shallow, a guy needing to use a law to excuse multiple lovers, or desperate bimbos who assume that by default that because he can he therefore he will claim them all?

"We're not even dating." Alex said.

"Oh really so you don't mind if we try our luck?" Clover asked grinning.

"Hey I saw him first he's mine."

Can anyone tell me why does the author insist on his skin-suit being treated like a coveted handbag on sale?

Alex said but covered her mouth while the girls giggled. She felt a pair of hands on her shoulders and saw Sean dressed in his regular cloths smiling at her making her smile back.

"Heres the deal since I'm grateful you girls rescued me

And when did that rescue happen, Mr. One-Jump Man? You couldn’t be more belittling of these heroines, than had you patted their heads and called them adorable for trying to do the spy missions you’ll now steal all credit for in the future.

how about I take each of you on a date. Alex first since she's the one who found me and because I kinda owe her for stripping her."

The author knows that sort of service demands an exchange of money, fair is fair.

Sean said making her blush but smiled at him. "Sam will be next and then Clover." Sean said.

"Well if your ok with it." Alex said poking her fingers together.

"Hey who wouldn't want to date three hot girls who kick ass?"

Apparently not the author, since he doesn’t want them to demonstrate that particular trait in this story.

Sean said making them all laugh before the door opened and Alex's mom walked in.

"Alex I...Oh hello girls and who's this?" Carmen asked with a kind smile.

"Oh uh this is Sean an exchange student from Sparta." Alex said glad she got dressed before her mother came home. "I offered him a place to stay since he didn't want to stay with Mandy and since he helped me against some thugs."

I think ‘helped’ is a stretch, considering you being naked apparently factored into his escape plan, Alex.

Alex said hopping her mother wouldn't freak but sighed in relief when she smiled.

"Well since he was protecting you I have no problem with him staying at all." Carmen said hugging.

”Heroism is rewarded with pussy, it’s the law of fanfiction.”

"Thanks I really appreciate it." Sean said smiling.

"Just so long as two don't do anything inappropriate I don't want to be a grandmother so soon." Carmen said making Alex blush up so bad Santa would use her for his sled and not Rudolf.

Why bother? Sean can probably drag the sleigh with his Super Spartan ass all by himself.

"MOM!" Alex yelled making everyone burst out laughing.

Later

Alex and the others walked to school but she was still blushing from what her mother said. Images of her holding a baby in her arms kept popping up.

Moments before Sean snatches it and smashes the weakling against some rocks?

"Alex what is wrong with you?" Sean asked snapping his fingers in front of her.

"Huh? Oh sorry my mind is all over the place." Alex said.

"Are you that freaked out by what your mom said?" Sean knowing the answer as she blushed.

Well, you try and envision the nightmare of teen pregnancy and no longer being able to fit into your spy suit, Sean, see how you’d feel.

"Well I..." She tried to say.

"We'll if our relationship does go that far its something to look forward to for me." Sean said making her blush more but smiled.

Could you try to sound like less of a baby factory fetishist than the author is, you creep?

Just then the trash can sucked them in it.

"What the hell is this!" Sean yelled. They soon landed on a mattress. "What the hell?" Sean asked.

"Good day spies glad you could drop in." Jerry asked making them sweat drop.

"Seriously?" Sean asked in annoyance.

Yes, seriously, the author is really that inferior at describing secret agent gathering mechanisms to any unaware reader, that they will now assume you’re in the trash, where you belong.

"Welcome to our world." Sam said dryly.

Just the a picture of some guy appeared.

"Ricky Mathis? Who's that?" Sean asked.

What, didn't the author tell you when he implanted the man's name into your brain?

"Singer who recently released one album. But recently theres something going on and he's related somehow." Jerry said.

Thank you for that precise and detailed mission briefing, Jerry, the girls and Captain Plot-Diluter will be right on it to deliver an equally vague solution to that issue, like a something-something on a whatever!

"Great so you want us to observe and report not my style but I can try." Sean said before he was put in an outfit similar to the girls but his was colored grey also had a cool pair of shades on his eyes that could actually scan an area. "Nice." Sean said flexing his muscles.

You should try your hand at making actual product placements for a living, author, since you certainly seem to whore out your personal fantasy to yourself a lot.

"Well better get you geared up. Oh since this is your first mission you'll be following their orders." Jerry said making the girls have some rather amusing thoughts.

"Don't even think about it." Sean said.

”I’m take no any grammar lesson and that are finals.”

Later in the air

"The Spies wow how original." Sean said dryly.

It disgusts me that you are rubbing yourself up against the canon so much, that you think anyone reading this is just as intimate with it, author. I know your illiterate ass must never have touched a book, but can you not read better fanfics than this?

"Anyway heres your gadgets and Sean you'll be using your more preferred method of fighting but they won't kill." Jerry said before pressing the eject button. "Oh I love doing that." Jerry said grinning.

"Mother fucker!" Sean yelled as the landed on his back. It didn't hurt but it annoyed him.

The invulnerable übermench is untarnished, but his frail ego’s wrath is endless all the same. I dislike you further with every line, you primitive cockpuppet.

"Sorry!" The girls yelled getting off him.

"OW!" Sean yelled as he stood up. "I'm going to kill him next time." Sean said.

"Come on we have a job to do." Sam said leading them inside a limo.

Oh, but I so wanted to be entertained by Sean moping around and bitching some more, in order for the author to vent his authority issues like the butthurt thirteen-year-old that he is.

Later

They arrived at some fancy hotel room and meets Ricky's tour manager Phill who leads them to Ricky.

"Nice to see you guys." Ricky said before he had to leave with his manager.

You know, an ‘abridged series’ would at least manage to invest some characterization in their works, so as to establish they are pretending to be a band on tour, author. You come across like you could forget the rules of a game of Mad Libs.


Sean noticed something strange and used his shades to scan the room and picked up a CD that was glowing.

Courtesy only of the glasses, of course, the phosphorous effect was rather mundane to look at without them.

"What the hell?" Sean said scanning the disk.

"So besides the fact that Ricky has crazy fans and glowing CD's he looks normal to me." Alex said.

"I don't think he's behind all the craziness thats happened as of late." Sean said.

You know, all that craziness that the author thinks anyone would remember in detail from him farting out some names from the episode he’s ripping off.

"What makes you say that?" Clover asked.

"Its possible he doesn't even know whats happening but his manager well I don't like him he's hiding something." Sean said standing up

Yeah, I guess Phil seemed suspicious with, you know, that thing that he did? Which was to exist, I suppose.

Later

Sean was right after heading up to the manger as the people in the crowd listened to his music he was in a room with soundproof glass.

"The music gives me a headache at night so I stay up here and enjoy the quite." Phill said not seeing Sean narrow his eyes.

Has he seen Sean, though? Not that the author cares or could describe it, but what about a bodybuilder-type, high-profile Spartan prince says covert spy operative to you?

"Well that was weird." Alex said as they went up an elevator.

"He was playing that glowing CD somethings up." Sean said using his special phone to call Jerry.

Oh, it must be such a special phone that its disguised as one, so as to throw off anyone being suspicious about him communicating with someone remotely, you know, just like the disguised pocket mirror communicators. What do you think a spy is, author?

"Hello spies." Jerry said.

"Jerry what can you tell us about Sebastian?" Clover asked.

You know, that guy whose name hasn’t come up before now, and what is even the point of last names anyhow?

"Well it says here he was a great performer till an accident cost him his arm."

Jerry said showing them a video of his arm being burnt off that scared the girls.

Yeah, sure, just call their intent at not looking directly at a guy burning half his body being scared, so you can pretend they are made of cum-stainable glass, author.

"So now he's somehow using this guys to control the people." Sean said guessing.

"Possibly but not certain." Jerry said

Later

They soon arrived at an island that was on the tour. Sean snuck around and found out that Sebastian was trying to control people using the music from the glowing CD's.

"Hey your not supposed to be here!" A guard yelled.

”This is a private beach, asshole!”

One word. Just one word of a specific location is all I ask, author, and you are struggling even connecting your scenes to be taking place on planet Earth!

"Oh fuck." Sean said running away but got caught.

"So the son of the king of Sparta how unexpected." Sebastian said.

”Especially after Sparta was destroyed in that war with Persia that escalated in your absence.”

"Yeah well life is full of surprises." Sean said before pulling out his new guns and fired at the guards but it didn't kill them rather just stun them.

Sebastian tried to run away but got blasted in the back before he could get far. "Hmm not bad." Sean said twirling the gun in his hand for a second.

Yes, author, the only reason any and all heroes fail to win against the bad guys that they are brought before, is simply because they forgot to bring a weapon, and not because henchmen don’t know how to frisk whomever they’ve captured.

Later

Sean and the girls back at Alex's house were relaxing since her mother would be gone for a few days.

"Man that mission was annoying who tries to take over the world with music of all things?" Sean asked in annoyance.

Because the author somehow thinks it’s silly, Sean must be his constantly annoyed mouth piece, this time to call out what was actually a successful and subtle means of controlling people against their will. Do you even know what a Super Villain is, dumbass?!

"Apparently him." Alex said eating some chips.

"Still at least he failed before he could even start." Sam said.

"No kidding I almost feel bad for Ricky since he didn't even know he was being used." Clover said.

I’ll just assume the girls were ruling him out of being connected while off-screen, since the author can’t even have his chosen cock-sockets play a part in their own mission.

"So when are you two going on that date?" Sam asked making Alex blush.

"Actually while you two were busy enjoying the real concert Sean and I snuck off to go to the movies." Alex said scratching her head in embarrassment for not telling them.

Relationship development with Dragonlord0: Step 1, say it happened. Step 2, move on.

"What why didn't you say anything?" Clover asked.

"Sorry I forgot." Alex said sheepishly.

"Alex!" Sam and Clover yelled tackling her.

Sean simply smirked in amusement.

Thoughts of being squabbled over like a toy shared by siblings pleases the author’s frail and lonely ego.

"Oh boy I swear mom was right women in america are crazy." Sean said before they tackled him.

"Crazy are we?"

Well, at least the author knows women have to lack some sanity to bother dating his self-insert.

Sam asked in amusement but they all squealed in laughter as he lifted them all up with ease.

"Yes you all are." Sean said laughing. Alex giggled happy to see this relation ship was going ok.

But just like the Titanic, I doubt this ship realizes how few could possibly survive it sinking, despite the author's offhanded ‘harem maintenance’.

Authors note: Yay another chapter. I need a list of the girls from the show so if anyone is willing to do that I'd appreciate the help.

Are you honestly petitioning others to provide your spank material inspiration, author? Do you even watch the show or do you rely on plot synopses like you are forcing me to do?

Current harem

Alex

Sam

Clover

Britney

and Donna

While Britney is no surprise, Donna is a single-episode character. As long as it breathes and has a vagina, this author will put it in his harem, and I’m not even certain about that first part.

Also yeah for now the girls live with their parents but in time they will have that big house. I forgot about the fact that the live with their moms since I haven't seen the show in years.

Yeah, it was probably very difficult to do research before starting to write this with only one hand.

I might add the girls mothers and make them younger but I don't know.

Classy, author, you slobbering idiot. Why even bother pretend you pick your targets because of personality. They are fictional, you might as well fudge their traits while you are fudging yourself over this fudged fanfic. Oh, sorry, I apologize for my language, the grammar had me default to consider this author to still be in third grade – Fuck!!

And, as promised - or threatened depending on your point of view - here is the starting status of the harem, entirely without a single notch in Sean's belt. I expect it to soon change.

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ConcernedGamer
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Re: New Spy

Post by ConcernedGamer » Sun Jan 14, 2018 7:40 am

It didn't have to be this way. It never had to be this way. This 'fanfic' doesn't deserve to be called as such, but I mock it all the same because it pretends to be one. Just like other sleaze fests I've come across, the author in question is utilizing the medium as an outlet for his personal fantasies, to revel in sharing them, while anyone actually desiring a story, a plot, or some minute fucking credible adherence to the source material, are left disgusted instead. Enough banter. Here's Chapter 3, New Jerry.

Chapter 3 New Jerry

Sean sighed as he and the girls tested a new weapon.

"This is so annoying why do we have to do this?" Alex asked in her spy gear.

Because this author is a dime a dozen, your typical tunnel-vision-style plagiarist, who is writing while fresh off of watching the episode of the show that he has decided to rip off, while writing as if his readers just did the same.

"I don't know but this putting a dent in me planing for my date." Clover said growling.

"Clam down girls." Sam said as they left the area not seeing a man watching them.

Later

Sean chuckled in amusement as he took Sam to a restaurant of roman design.

Isn’t that’s this cultural appropriation I hear people bitch about? How about a Greek design from that era the author somehow thinks never died out?

"Wow this place is expensive how did you afford?" Sam asked in awe.

"Hello kings son." Sean said making her giggle. Just the his phone went off. "What is it Jerry I'm in the middle of something?" Sean said.

"Sorry just letting you know I've seen your falling behind in history so I've taken the time to hire a tutor for you to catch up no need to thank me just happy to help." Jerry said before ending the call.

Did you even make the effort to scratch your ass while lazily copy-pasting Alex’s ‘Jerry issue’ onto Sean, author? Though, it’s not surprising, seeing as Spartan Prince Sean should be about a few thousand years behind on that subject.

"GRRRR!" Sean growled in annoyance. "How did you stand him for so long?" Sean asked glowing red in anger. Sam chuckled in embarrassment.

"Lets not think about him and just focus on our date ok?" Sam said calming him down.

They had been enjoying their food till Mandy came in and started criticizing the place.

What’s a date without a loudly announced yet wordless, one-star Yelp review?

"Great." Sam said dryly. Sean saw one of the waiters with some food in hand and smirked pretending to stretch his legs he tried the waiter and he hit Mandy with all sorts of food making her scream in horror of her cloths being ruined and stormed off. Sam snickered before bursting out into a fit of giggles. "Nice job." Sam said.

Author, is this just going to be your go-to dead horse you beat, in order to pretend your self-insert is romantically bonding with girls through someone else’s misery, you shallow little ingrate?

They soon finished their food and he walked her home.

You know, that specifically roman themed food, that I’m sure we all know what was.

"Thanks for the diner and walking me back home." Sam said before she pulled him into a deep kiss and moaned as she held him close and giggled as his hands explored her back.

Author, right now I’m convinced I could set you up for the most exquisite date with a Tickle Me Elmo doll.

Sean ended the kiss and smiled at her before she went inside while he walked back to Alex's home. Sam sighed in happiness holding her heart.

"Oh I am so going to make the next date even better." Sam said seductively heading to her room and undressed in the nude before getting in her bed.

Ah, true love, if you reduced the requirements down to superficially implied affection derived from literally zero traits, coming down to a ‘I like him because I am meant to’. You couldn’t even have one of them say they like him for his cock, author, that’s just incompetence on a different level altogether.

Next day

The girls all got calls from Jerry at the worst times.

"I swear he nearly scared the hell out of me at the arcade when his face appeared." Clover said trying desperately not to pull her hair.

"I hate when he buts into our personal lives I don't need some tutor." Alex said steaming.

"And he almost ruined our date last night." Sam said.

Yeah, he interrupted you two gazing lovingly at each other’s crotches, that’s about as far as I guess the author wants me to think how your date went.

"I honestly feel better fighting some criminal over dealing with him." Sean said before the TV started glowing and sucked them in.

Are we already diving into the crossovers? I never though ‘Captain N: The Game Master’ would sound like an appealing alternative.

"Oh you got to be fucking kidding me!" Sean yelled. The landed on the couch and thankfully Sean caught Alex before her butt hit the hard ground.

"Jerry enough is enough!" Clover yelled.

"We're tired of you invading our personal lives." Sam said before the chair turned and some other guy is seen making them all blink.

"What the? Who are you?" Sean asked.

"I'm Mac Smit your new boss." Mac said.

"Wheres Jerry?" Sam asked.

"He decided to retire after 35 years of working here." Mac said.

”He said something about employing self-entitled, South European royalty who casually makes death threats at him while on duty being the last straw, or something like that.”

"Wow and here I was going to give him an earful for invading our personal time." Sean said chuckling.

"Well fortunately for all of you I won't be like that since I'm more respectable for peoples personal lives." Mac said.

They’ll have no personal lives to butt in on if they aren’t alive, you see.

"Finally." Sean said.

Later

Mac had given them credit cards to shop in Paris for all the trouble Jerry gave them. Sean rolled his eyes in amusement seeing the girls star struck. But something didn't sit well with him.

Why would Jerry retire without so much as a word? Did he fell sorry for annoying them or was something else going on?

One could suspect the mysterious and unwarned disappearance of Jerry to be some sort of kidnapping, but since you seem to be failing history, Sean, you are bound to repeat it.

"Hey Sean whats with the look?" Alex asked.

"Something isn't right about Jerry retiring why would he leave without saying a single word to us?" Sean asked making her blink.

"You know come to think of it." Alex said before Sam and Clover screamed as their credit cards attacked them.

Limited credit, fraud protection, and overdue payments. Now, these cards are not the only ones to expire. This summer’s horror blockbuster: Overdrawn!

"Huh!?" Sean said in confusion but ducked fast just as it almost hit him and jumped and smashed it with his foot.

Dude, just say ‘kick’.

"Ok what the hell was that?" Sean asked.

"I have no idea just all of a sudden the credit cards attacked us." Sam said as they left. They failed to see a man looking at them with a controller in his hands.

And the author fails at about everything that has to do with a narrative.

Later

Mac had said he'd look into the incident but told them they could relax for now in a new car and the girls took it but Sean was suspicious of something.

And he was right the car blew up.

How nice that Sean’s plot-guided suspicion prevented the car from even existing before that happened. Is there a history of Alzheimer’s in your family, author?

"Ok this is getting out of hand first the card now this?" Sean asked in annoyance. Just then a stick of explosives landed near them. Sean scanned for fingerprints and found they belonged to some guy named Tim Scam. "Oh boy." Sean said.

"What is it?" Sam asked not seeing what was wrong.

"Spell the name backwards." Sean said. Sam did and gasped.

Well, that doesn’t spell ‘Goblin’ at all.

"What is it?" Clover asked.

"Backwards it spells Mac Stim."

I’m sorry to be the one to say this to you, but I think you are failing more than History, Sean.

Sean said making their eyes widen.

"But that means Jerry didn't retire then and was kidnaped." Alex said.

Quick, find him and strip down, so he can bust from his cell and jump out a prison.

"My thoughts exactly look we need to head back." Sean said getting their gear and flew off.

They soon arrived back at headquarters.

"Lets see here." Sean said accessing the data bass for intel on Tim Scam. "Ah here it says here he was a weapons designer here but was fired for illegal use of WHOOP's technology. My guess is he kidnaped Jerry and took his place using his name backwards. Not really original though." Sean said dryly.

Look who’s talking, Krueger, you multi-fanfic universe menace.

"So any guesses as to where he might be?" Alex asked.

"Hang on." Sean said typing something in. "What the he's in space I guess if your going to keep someone captive thats the best place to do it." Sean said.

A penal colony on Alpha Centauri doesn’t sound half bad, but for Jerry’s sake would you mind narrowing down ‘space’ for me?

"Hey what are you guys doing?" Mac said not knowing they knew the truth.

He either popped into existence or hid in a corner with his fingers in his ears. Seriously, author, is this a draft you scribbled down when you were seven?

"Oh nothing Tim." Sean said pulling him into a headlock.

”I beg your pardon, my name is Mit, Tim is my evil twin brother.

"What but how did you?" Tim said trying to get free.

"Your fingerprints were left behind on the explosives and your name popped up just spelled backwards so I knew it was you." Sean said hitting his pressure points making him unconscious.

"Wow that was fast."

Whiplash fast, in fact. The author writes plot to develop faster than relationships, and that’s saying something.

Alex said just as Sam and Clover came down with real agents to secure him and a video of Jerry came up.

"Hello spies." Jerry said happy they were alright. "Well done on capturing Tim Scam I honestly never thought he'd come up again." Jerry said.

"I hope this gives us some free time and you'll stop butting into our personal lives." Sean said in annoyance making Jerry chuckle in embarrassment.

Are you sure you want that, Sean? The only way you can even pretend to have a personal life is because the author was forced to present you to have one that he could butt into.

"Right of course." Jerry said scratching his head.

Later

Sean was on the couch in Alex's home when he's phone rang and saw it was Clover.

"Hey Clover whats up?" Sean asked.

"Oh nothing I was just hoping you would like to go to the movies for a date since you've gone out with Sam and Alex now." Clover said.

Sloppy thirds, order now by dialing 555-DOUCHE-BAG.

"Sure give me a second." Sean said getting up.

At the movies

What a riveting scene, the narrative would have completely collapsed without it, I’m sure.

Clover actually picked out an action adventure movie.

The two things direly missing from this fanfic.

"Wow nice." Sean said hanging his arm around her shoulders making her giggle.

"Ugh so stupid." Said the voice of Mandy who was ruining the movie for everyone.

"Aw man not her." Clover said in annoyance. Sean saw the cup holder above her and smirked.

You don't understand Mandy’s purpose in the show, author. She is the karmic punchline to the moral of an episode, helping to show development and insight in the girls, only getting an unfortunate or fitting outcome dealt on her as a secondary byproduct. You’re merely using her to sate your fetish for punishing someone, doing it with the tact of a sweaty neckbeard hoping to have the act favor with the opposite sex marveling at your petty revenge fantasy.

"Hey hand my your lesser lip stick."

But, your highness, why would you wear makeup meant for lesser people?

Sean said getting her to blink but did so anyway and had to suppress a giggle as it shoots the cup above her and hit Mandy on the head with everything in it making her yell.

Hey, mongrel, care to remind yourself why Tim Scam was fired from WOOHP again?

"What the!" Mandy yelled before the usher came in and dragged her away.

"My hero." Clover said kissing him on the lips making him chuckle in amusement

After the movie was over Sean walked her back home.

"I cant believe you actually did that to Mandy I wish I thought of that." Clover said,

And I can’t believe you girls walk around with spy gear while off duty.

"I'm a man who takes in his surroundings and acts on instinct." Sean said making her giggle.

Then why haven’t you clubbed these chicks over the head and dragged them back to your cave?

"So does this mean you'll accept the harem idea?" Clover asked making him chuckle.

You are so addled on anime fantasies that you actually don’t know what an open relationship is, author?

"I guess so whats the harm just promise me you girls won't fight over who's in charge."

That honor belongs to the top bitch himself, Dragonlord0, since its his job to ensure that Sean gets off and who joins the harem, after all.

Sean said getting her to nod and kissed him before going inside her house. As she closed the door she got hearts in her eye.

"Best date ever now just need to plan some more adult dates."

Yeah, it’s been rather immature so far, I’m glad we can agree on that.

Clover said stripping out of her cloths and slept in the nude.

Back at Alex's house

Alex sighed as she slept on the couch with Sean in only her bra and thong while he was in his boxers making out with each other.

Was that three sentences smashed together, or did you not just have Alex sleep through the scene of Sean wearing her underwear and frenching himself, author?

"Alex let me ask you something are you really ok with this harem idea?" Sean asked.

I’m alright with it, as long as you get to be the eunuch, Sean.

"Hey I've known Sam and Clover for years and I don't want them to miss out on this so yeah I'm ok with it." Alex said smiling kissing his chest making him smirk holding her close as they went to sleep.

Are you done pretending these nametag-wearing stick figures are a-okay with your fetish now, author? This fanfic is spinning its tires in the mud, waiting for you to have everyone sign a verbal contract, as if you feared anyone reading this could get a heart-attack at suspecting you were setting yourself up for drama or conflict in case jerking off was somehow not enough for you. Perish the thought, am I right?

Authors note: FUCK I really need to catch up on the show since I screwed up on the girls ages during the first season so I had to change the age of my character from 15 to 17. So this is going to be put on hold till I catch up again.

While I appreciate you edited that part before I got a hold of this story, is the canon really the only reason why I’m currently not suffering through underage sex issues in this fanfic? Do you even have a preference specific enough to limit yourself had that not been the case?!

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And the tit-list has gone unchanged. A calm before a storm, I fear.

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GorillaGamer
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Re: New Spy

Post by GorillaGamer » Sun Jan 14, 2018 7:39 pm

I thought that the three spies would be listed off as being in the harem, given that they're the ones that helped Sean start it to begin with. Asides from that, great job on mocking this chapter.
Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
An old quote from Project PATREON.

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