Inside Falls

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ConcernedGamer
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Re: Inside Falls

Post by ConcernedGamer » Tue Nov 19, 2019 2:45 pm

Well, we're here now. Do you want to know when I started mocking this dumpster fire? The 11th of November in 2018. A year. It took me a year to chew through this diatribe of broken English, wasted source material, and identical plot lines. And of course this verse is the same as the first. Here's Chapter 20, Peridot's Ascension.

No...no...Inside Falls is not safe...its far from being safe...

What tipped you off, Einstein? Was it the replacement monster of the week every other chapter wanting to kill you?

those demons...Peridot...the Crystal Shack...the Crystal Shack...n-no...it can't be real...it has to be a bad dream...

Sorry, I've been pinching myself for more than a year now, but this fanfic is still here.

I need to wake up from this dream...we have to wake up...

No...No!...

NOOOOOOOOO!!

I'm not asking for a thousand words to make the equivalent an actual picture here, author. I'm only asking that you at least try and wet a brush. Or a crayon, in your case.

Chara screamed as she woke up from the nightmare of what happened yesterday:

She should be used to that by now.

the destruction of the Crystal Shack just after the moment the Dreemurrs thought they won agains't Peridot. When the Shack was destroyed,Chara,Frisk and Pearl were pratically forced to move in for the house of Asriel and his caretaker Alphys,who was also a monster that was integrated to society (for some reason,Asriel's parents were absent,even trough Chara and Frisk already meeted them).

Image

Is this a hot take on the fact that Disney never meets its parent quota or something? I just love the 'for some reason' excuse that the author realizes she'll have to figure out later. But why Alphys? And if she's a monster, what does that make the dinosaurs at this point?

Chara,not willing to sleep and face another nightmare,just decided to look at television with Alphys while she waited for the others to wake up because of her screaming. The news on the TV the Dreemurr's saw weren't exciting a tiny bit.

It was about the latest monster immigration laws that the president had decided to enact. Yawn.

~~

'Inside Falls is wild with the most recent news that the child star of magic and technology Patricia 'Peridot' Diamond gained the deed of the Crystal Shack,kicking out its original owner,Ms. Crystal Dreemurr. Peridot,what you plan to do with the Shack now?

"I'll announce all the news of what I plan to do here. And I want everyone of Inside Falls joining me! Aren't I a great star? Of course I am!"'

Am I supposed to think she still holds her title by doing a trick of removing her thumb and flicking a light switch with it or something?

~~

"I was a failure...I am normally the 'hero' between us,but now I leted that 'twerp' beat us...",Chara sadly spoke,sounding defeated.

You know what, we can at least agree on that one thing, Chara. You are a failure.

"I'm...*yawn*,sad as well,Chara.",Frisk confessed. "I wished I could stop Peridot with my umbrella.",Frisk said,as she pulled out the umbrella she recieved as a gift from Pearl back in the beginning of summer.

"How a umbrella can stop a kid with charm powers if even I couldn't?",Chara half-joked with a broken smile.

By using it like it was a grappling hook is the answer, of course. Predictability, what's that?

"Look on the good side,girls!",Asriel began to say,sounding more hopeful than the Dreemurr twins. "There's a whole garden of flowers with yellow colors,maybe we can play over it."

"...We need to save the Crystal Shack.",Pearl spoke in a determined voice that slightly startled her great children.

Yellow flowers. Get it? Because it's Undertale. It's Undertale guys. Guys, it's a reference. It was in Undertale. They are yellow flo- alright, I'm done now.

---

The Dreemurrs began to invade the 'Crystal Shack's Grand Closing' and enter trough the crowd,each of them wearing a different disguise of dark sky blue color. They made sure both to stay hidden and be the nearbiest possible to Peridot.

"So,my deary crowd...",Peridot began,sounding as cheery as how Chara and Frisk first remembered her. "Like I said,I planned something bigger for the closing of the Crystal Shack. I present to you...the Peridot World!",Peridot continued,as she pulled off a cloak revealing a miniature that represented a modified Crystal Shack surrounded by a circus park of green colors.

And what was the reason for you being unable to make an actual proper crossover reference by calling it Inside Falls Funland, author?

All of the Dreemurrs gasped,mortified about the ill future incoming for the Crystal Shack.

"We are going to clean and 'update' this old scrap! And above all...it'll have a pet!",Peridot spoke,as Yasmin pulled out a cloak revealing Temmie in a not-comfortable-at-all outfit mimicking Peridot's one.

Which I'm sure everyone can remember what the author changed to by now.

"Meet this...cat and dog called Mini Peridot!"

"TEMMIE,NOOO!!",Frisk screamed in panic,forgetting about the hiding plan. Unfortunately,she couldn't get Temmie in time on the hour she moved to Asriel's house.

"This is the last straw!!",Chara and Pearl angrily spoke together,ripping off their own disguises and running towards the stage followed by Frisk; Chara furiously broke everything Peridot-related that was in her sight while Pearl and Frisk tried to warn to all the crowd about the real version of the deed's story.

But unfortunately,it was in vain,because Peridot convinced the crowd that the Dreemurrs were wrong and arrested them out. The first attempt was failed...

Oh, what a shame, and here their chances were looking pretty good at being convincing and persuasive, what with their aggressive little shit of a kid trashing everything around her for extra endearment points. Did anyone else notice no mention of covert camera surveillance pins?

~~

The Dreemurrs could only look at what happened at the Crystal Shack's Grand Closing trough the black,chain fence,and neither of them were happy in any way or shape. All of them tried to hang high on the hope of getting the Crystal Shack back,but a side of each of them was screaming that this mission would become harder and harder if they tried and that they should just give up.

If the author just amps up their hopelessness, by having everyone angst it out, instead of sticking to Dipper's positive determination, that means it's just that more dramatic, doesn't it?!

"O-oh,Hi Lapis...",Chara calmly greeted as she noticed Lapis besides her.

"If the Shack is destroyed...then I'll be forced by my dad to move at my cousin's academy...",Lapis sadly said as she leaned agains't the fence.

That's just something that happens, people, losing your job lets your family banish you to their own privately owned school or something, I'm sure.

"W-what?! Oh...god...we'll miss you so much as a friend...",Chara said sounding even more sad.

Are you turned on by how much you are having these people stick themselves in the friend zone, author? Is that it?

Asriel even gave her a handkerchief for her to cry in.

How about you get an ounce of determination and decide that you aren't going to let it happen, you whiny babies!

"Yeah,me too...we'll,see you later,if a miracle happens.",Lapis said,mounting up on a blue bike and pedaling for far away. The Dreemurrs were about to lose a ally and they could do nothing about it.

They were losing her to all of that no reason for her to not stick around as Jasper isn't chasing her right now, that the author established so well.

~~

In Asriel's home...

"U-uh...I'm sorry b-but...there isn't enough f-food for four people.",Alphys explained to the three young Dreemurrs.

They'll have starved once you are done cooking one bowl of noodles anyway.

Even trough the lack of enough food wasn't Alphys fault,the three kids were crushed just by the fact they had to accept and live this reality.

Well, at least not for very long, technically.

"We can't stay here...but I don't know a place where we can stay...and pack up our stuff...",Frisk sadly said,trying to fight back the wish to cry.

"What kind of excuse Pearl can use to tell to Mum and Dad?",Chara said,doing just a bit better job on holding back her sobbing.

Why is tears and moping this author's only approach to anything remotely reminiscent of conflict? "Oh, I made you learn your friend was hypnotizing you", tears. "Oh, I told you guys to not yell at each other", crying. "We are in a rut and don't know what to do after one attempt at anything.", same song and dance!

"Lets hope Ms. Crystal can do something about it...",Asriel said,almost all of his cheerful attitude and his hopeful thoughts gone.

Meanwhile,Pearl was in the kitchen answering Chara and Frisk's parents from the phone while using the last slices of breads to at least try and make something tasty for her great-nieces and her great-nephew.

Remember to cut off the crust or the little fragile brats will probably cry about it. But why starve Asriel, exactly?

"Uh,hello? Ms. Crystal,our Chara and Frisk are okay?",Chara and Frisk's mother asked from the other side of the phone line.

From, like, a clinical standpoint?

"Y-yes,they are pretty much okay!",Pearl answered,while making up a british accent...for some reason.

A thing she has never had to do up until now while pretending to be someone she's not, and even logically is quite stupid when she's supposedly lived in America for twenty years.

"They are inside one of the best hotels of this town and you can be sure about it!"

"And you got some food as well? A hotel is not a hotel without food.",Chara and Frisk's father asked.

"O-of course! We got alot!",Pearl lied. Actually,when she checked the fridge,she only saw a gallon of milk with no milk.

When I read this fanfic, I see pages of words with no words.

"If I was doing a bad job on taking care of them,I could've just sended them back to you!"

Let it never be said that I do not respect your understanding of the 'could have' contraction, author. I mean that.

"Uhm,ok...",Chara and Frisk's mother simply agreed. "We'll,anyway...bye. Love you as family."

"L-love you too as family...",Pearl said before putting the phone down.

What do you think people mean when they say 'love you', author, regardless of what they are with respect to one another? The words meaning is implicit depending on that! You are having everyone bend over backwards essentially saying 'we are in no way insinuating that romantic relationships are a thing'!

She sighed as she putted the toasts in a plate...she began to contemplate on the possibility of sending Chara and Frisk back to their parents; on one side,it would probably end her great-niece's summer in a heartwrenching way,but in one,everything to get the Shack back was just making more and more hopeless...what she would do?

To quote the source material: Anthyding can hadplen.

---

In the construction of Peridot World...

Peridot had managed to steal the Crystal Shack from the Dreemurrs and most of their ownings,including a poor and scared Temmie. There was just one thing left to do.

"Patricia,why you are just reading this book instead of coordinating and helping on the Peridot World's construction?",Yasmin asked with curiosity,picking up the picture Pearl once stole from both Yasmin and Peridot back when Yasmin and Pearl first meet each other personally.

Why, sure, Yasmin, by all means, assume you can let the nine-year-old architect pick up the slack on the rest of the project. When you don't know what to substitute word with so that you are forced to alter the entire intent of the conversation, it really shows, author.

"There's a very specific reason why.",Peridot began,with a large and psychotic smile.

Mentally deranged now, too? How subtle. Fuck it, I'm expanding the BTTP counter to from here on out include their antagonists being buffed by the author injecting her feeble edgelord points in her attempts to outdo the canon.

"A long time ago,an author with fascinating knowledge writted this book and hided it,in a place where they thought nobody could ever find it,because they knew that if someone joins them,they can become a physical god.

Which is of course why the person who wrote the books didn't become one.

That is why I hired that skeleton to build a robotic me with a automatic mode and that is why I buyed a shove: I wan't to find the second book and become a goddess!"

The robot is an essential part of that plan, there can't be any other reason for it than tying it in with everything else before its big reveal, you see.

~~

In Asriel's house...

Chara,Frisk and Asriel went to play on the garden with a ball,just like how Asriel promised early in the day. All of them were actually having fun,but their mind couldn't forget about the fatal wound Peridot made on their summer. And those thoughts began to re-surface when the three Dreemurr youngsters saw Grauntie Pearl coming to them,looking sadder than usual.

I can't blame her for looking regularly sad on a daily basis whenever she approaches these little turds.

"Listen,dear ones...I have something to tell to you.",Pearl said,and the three youngsters began to pay attention. "Since I lost my main way of winning cash and I don't have an home anymore,I came to the conclusion that...I'll be sending you two home.",Pearl finished,sounding sad,as she knelt and gave to Chara and Frisk gray tickets labeled 'BUS'.

Hmm, must be a local movie theater name.

"W-what?! Really?...you...gave up?",Chara asked to Pearl,almost not believing Pearl,the first one to give the idea of saving the Crystal Shack,was giving up on hope.

It's not like you lead her by any better boastful example, sunshine.

"I'm sorry...but I have to end your summer pre-maturely. Peridot won and there's nothing we can do about it.",Pearl answered,before getting up and walking back inside the house.

If only she had a weakness, or an unearned strength that could be exposed, but that would demand the author had actually bothered giving any hints of it, of course.

"NOOO! Ms,you can't do it!!",Asriel screamed,dropping the ball and running to inside the house to try and convince his cousins to stay.

"Chara,we can't give up...Inside Falls won't be the place we grew to like if we leave Peridot with the upper hand.",Frisk said to Chara in a attempt to sound hopeful and lift up the spirit of her older twin sister.

Did you take lessons as a motivational speaker? Because you sound like someone who skipped their homework.

"...You are right.",Chara agreed,as she and Frisk got up and ran inside the house,picking up respectively the mysterious book with the gemstones and number '3' and the colorful umbrella. They would try to get the Crystal Shack back by themselves before the bus could come.

Well, it leaves first thing in the whenever the author decides to mention it.

~~

Both Chara and Frisk learned that they couldn't bypass the guards without the aid of a kind of exercity.

Yeah, I'd like to not only ask the audience, but also phone a friend for this one.

They thought on which 'magical' exercity they should hire their hopes on and they ultimately decided they would call for help...from the first magic threats they faced on the summer: the Slendytubbies.

What's an army of gnomes compared to the first creepypasta the author shamelessly injected into this mess?

The Dreemurr twins made their way to the wet and illuminated cave that was the hubby of the Slendytubbies kind of easily,since the memory of those days were still fresh on both of the twin's mind.

"Uuuh...Tinky? Winky?",Frisk called out for one of the leaders of the Slendytubbies.

"I think we found out a leader for you better than Frisk!",Chara also called.

"Reaaaaaaally?",Tinky Winky's voice came echoing trough the cave's walls,as he himself slided to the twins in a...stylish way.

Sometimes I believe the author doesn't understand what a creepypasta is. Other times, I know.

"Who is this person?"

"He's a guy called Peridot and he has a blonde hair shaped like a triangle.",Chara explained,faking out Peridot's gender.

Because it was absolutely necessary to pretend that Peridot was the opposite gender, when she doesn't have the slightest chance of passing as it, while the current lie being fed to the Slendytubbies doesn't depend on it at all, too!!

"Hmmm...alright,its a deal then!",Tinky Winky accepted,as he gave a hand shake for Chara. For a reason extremely weird for Chara,Tinky Winky's hand skin felt like a bedsheet. Weird.

Is that somehow supposed to be weirder than Chara knowing how to give a handshake?

In the Peridot World's construction...

Peridot furiously digged trough the dirt around the Crystal Shack,trying to find the 'second book',but to no avail.

Well, clearly she should have been looking for the 'second book with the gemstones and number 2' instead.

She accidentaly managed to even push away a small,brown and armless Slendytubbie as she did so- wait,something was not right. And just when Peridot stopped her digging to pay attention,she noticed the entire Slendytubbie arm was surrounding her and that the guards that were being responsible for taking care of her were trapped. Chara and Frisk got out of the back of the 'powerful form' of Tinky Winky and walked towards Peridot.

Shit, I guess I should have eaten more pink custard as a kid.

"Peridot,you are now surrounded by a army of Slendytubbies and if you don't give us the Crystal Shack's deem again,it'll order them to send up a beatdown!",Chara taunted off Peridot with a smug smile.

"...Just a mini-beatdown.",Frisk said with a more awkward smile.

I'm sure Peridot will be terrified at the prospect of a micro-aggression, sure.

"NOOO!! HOW COULD I,THE GREAT AND LOVABLE PERIDOT,BE SURROUNDED LIKE THAT!?",Peridot said,in a over-exaggerated voice of defeat. "I GIVE UP,JUST PLEASE TAKE THIS DEED!",Peridot continued,extending a hand with the deed.

Unfortunately,neither Chara or Frisk could catch up Peridot had noticed the mysterious book Chara was carrying on her hoodie's pocket and was just tricking them into thinking she surrended for sure. Peridot stole the mysterious book with the gemstones and number '3' from Chara in Chara's weakest moment.

"HAHAHA! I tricked you!",Peridot laughed over Chara and Frisk's face. "Look,I am your master now because I'm holding this book! So...throw them out of here!",Peridot said for the Slendytubbies army as she lifted the book and its front cover high in the air. And the Slendytubbies actually began to obey her,dragging Chara and Frisk for far of the Crystal Shack...without the book. Without a victory. Without nothing but the bitter taste of defeat by trickery.

Image

What the fuck was that? Long do I have to search for something so contrived, and let alone something that is already ripping off a scene that made sense in the first place! With all the ceremony of a jump-cut, the author starts the scene, knowing what needs to be where by the end of it, and simply makes it so! Like a paradox, the author never manages to meet her intent, the source material, or the plot half-way, and every time that fails, she fails at getting half-way from there, again and again, and so she cheats!! Regardless of whether it makes sense, she makes up an excuse on the spot, and I realize I've been ranting on without even addressing the bullshit that was just smeared across my screen, and my issues start all the way back in Chapter 1! Chara was shown, addressed like glorification, to be able to deck a slendytubbie with ease, and this bitch forgets she has a knife constantly, because Dipper wasn't the stab-happy lunatic the author wants her to be when the plot isn't in the way. Flipping the script of this scene, the author has Peridot seize the book prior to victory by the author simply letting her know it was there, and through an asspull faster than light, that means she wins! The book has had no influence on the Slendytubbies, ever! It's not supposed to, and it can't, and it won't ever again, because it isn't a thing!! If that was the case, Peridot could hold up her own book instead. The author could have gone the simple route, stating that as the newly crowned leader of the Slendytubbies, she can order them any way she wants, but no, that would mean our protagonists had waltzed up and gave her a free army, which was by logic what they were doing in the first place!!! What simile can I even pose to shit this stupid? What describes the utter failure of a copy-pasted plot thread that unintentionally unravels itself?! I'm barely willing to think the author is doing this on purpose, but who in their right mind would read let alone write this and think it was presentable without being touched in the head?! Anything else could be written to account for this scene, should I entertain the thought to let everything stay the same, but the author went with this!!

---

As the Slendytubbies left Chara and Frisk outside a track and leaved back to their cave,Chara began to think what she and her sister could do without the book's aid. But no solution came to her head...that book actually helped her give strategies agains't the supernatural,and without the knowledge it housed,she was a nobody agains't the supernatural.

Nice try, author, but Peridot is not supernatural. You are avoiding giving Chara the proper low of self-doubt that Dipper had, by thinking the book was all he had that could make him succeed at anything. And so, I must yet again do your work for you and dispel your fragile Mary Sue delusions, which your choice of narrative won't ever manage to change. Chara sucks.

Even Frisk was having difficulty thinking on a solution without the mysterious book. But in the end,their own thoughts served into nothing.

If that's implying a memory wipe, I'll take two, please.

Chara and Frisk could just pack up their things on their handbages,leave the town of Inside Falls and end their summer pre-maturely. The twins looked at the window,to see Lapis,Pearl,Connie and Amethyst waving goobye for them...they were surely great people in their own ways,

I'm sure they would have been, had they been little more than nametags the author stole from elsewhere and then implied had traits, which never managed to mesh with their original likenesses.

but sadly,they would need to leave them and every supernatural adventure they had behind...

"Goodbye,Inside Falls...",Chara and Frisk quietly said,each almost sounding ready to cry.

Because tears are only for when these emotionally fragile snowflakes are denied a pet-sitter or something.

~~

In the Crystal Shack...

While the Dreemurr twins couldn't feel any more sadder,Peridot couldn't feel any more happier: she was almost exploding of joy as she jumped trough the rooms of Crystal Shack celebrating her victory over her arch-nemesis.

Is that Pearl or Chara now? And isn't this joy related to finding the book, which is tangential to either?

"YES,YES YES AND YES! I won over that dumb clo- oh, wait, that's not my line, ahem - I got the book numb-",Peridot cheered,until she noticed the number '3' from the book she stole from Chara. "THREE?! There is actually three books?...oh,that clod must know the place where the first of them is hiding...she kept the secret for herself! And I won't let that kid leave Inside Falls!!",Peridot angrily spoke,as she ran outside leaving the third book inside the Shack.

Oh, a world of difference, isn't it, author? The villain thinks the hero knows the location of an object instead of thinking they actually possess it. I'm just blown away by this majestic new take on all of this.

Peridot climbed up the robot that was working perfectly but wasn't entirely painted and stepped inside its control platform. There was pieces of metal painted in green shades she personally dubbed as 'Limb Enhancers' resting over the platform; it allowed her to look taller and to control the robot she also dubbed as 'Peri-bot'. As soon as Peridot equipped herself with the Limb Enhancers,the robot began to move based on her movements and she ran,ready to pick a bone with Chara.

That's more of a Sans pun than a robot one, author, but I'll leave you to it and mop up your stains as I go, too. So, everyone, let's just for ourselves divine descriptions for the robot, like whatever size, shape, or paint job it might have, place of parking, which direction it was even facing and - heck, let's just guess whether it started out upside-down or not, too.

~~

In Asriel's home...

Pearl laid on the couch,defeated and feeling very deep on the rock's bottom: she had no friend to support her,no direct family to love her,and she was stuck in a place that didn't even belong to her.

How lucky that the author isn't describing herself right now, mostly because she doesn't know what rock bottom is supposed to mean. Oh, and apparently Asriel killed himself to let Pearl angst over not having any family.

"How you are so good at this? Why your charm works so well?...",Pearl said,as she picked up a Peridot pin she found laying on the ground and pinched it.

Oh, you mean those things that hasn't existed up until now in this fanfic?! And what the hell does Peridot's charm have to do with anything?

"Wait...I'm hearing something...that is it! That is the key for the solution!!",Pearl suddenly spoke in a hopeful voice,as she realized what she needed to defeat Peridot for sure and save Inside Falls.

The author whispered in her ear, because it looks like another ass-pull is coming up, tout suite.

She quickly jumped out of her couch with restored determination and ran to the door,almost stumbling with Alphys in the way.

Oh boy, what a wonderful usage of crossover characters that only ever got a single line in this botched script rehash.

---

Back in the bus to the hometown of the young Dreemurr twins,Chara and Frisk looked at a window,neither in a good mood to play around or at least enlight the mood in any way or shape.

And who could blame them, unenlightened as they are.

This sadness monoty was interrupted when both of them saw something in the distance approaching...

"Is that another dinosaur?",Chara tried to guess,since there was many kinds of dinosaurs with giant sizes. But once the 'thing' approached more and more,it was clear it had nothing reminiscent of a reptile and just had a humanoid appearence.

"Is that a giant?",Frisk tried to guess,as in her head,almost anything that was humanoid and had a titanic size was a giant.

Phrased as 'in her head', meaning that the reality she inhabits somehow has a looser definition of giants, author?

She would have guessed right,if distant but present robotic noises didn't come along with the figure.

She would still have guessed wrong, author, you dumbass, facts doesn't change by ignorance of them!

"IT IS A GIANT ROBOT!!",

Oh, so now you don't want to ponder the possibility of a 'robot giant?

Chara and Frisk screamed as they realized what was really dangerously approaching. And the worse of all,the giant robot was shaped like Peridot,the kid that managed to transform their summer into a hell.

We were there, author. We know the relationship between these characters, barely by your own conveyance of it. Overstating them at every turn telegraphs a load of insecurity at what you wrote up until now.

"Don't worry,I'll save you girls doing probably the most stupid thing that I ever did in my life and in the innapropriate age!",Asriel's voice said,and the Dreemurr twins in the moment realized the driver was actually Asriel.

"I'm still alive, and I'm here all of a sudden for no foreshadowed reason! I've also constantly been kept nebulously close to your age to the point of avoiding commandeering any vehicle in this fanfic up until now - Help!!!"

Of course,a teenager that wasn't even human was having difficulty piloting a bus,but at least he was managing to keep distance from the Peridot-shaped giant robot.

Triangle hair is all we have been blessed with of shapes to make out your Human AU Peridot, author, you do realize that, right?

The robot climbed its way to the bus and tried to smash it with its bare hands. The first attempt was failed,but the second one was successful: the bus was destroyed and it lost a wheel,making it impossible of making a safe walk even if fixed.

What's this skewed framing of reality all of a sudden? Oh, the house burnt down and one of the windows broke, so you can't be in there because of the shards of glass, even if we fixed the house right away. Really?!

However,Peridot,the one piloting the robot shaped like herself,

As opposed to the Peridot selling ice cream downtown? Would you confuse her with the actual robot yourself if you didn't specify, author, is that it?!

didn't find the Dreemurr twins; she just found Asriel fearfully hiding and pleading for his life. The twins themselves were running trough a bridge,

Oh, is it a bridge reaching out in the ocean by this sea-side town, author, or do I hit play on the Disney Channel to get myself informed and entertained again?

hoping to at least find help,but there was just a dead end waiting for them. Peri-bot,taking the chance the Dreemurr twins were incapable to hide,jumped on the bridge and catched the twins.

It was such a gamble, the stakes were totally high at that moment, weren't they? Why are you giving out random reasoning excuses taken from situations that aren't fitting the narrative, author? That was about as tangential as 'He hoped the toast wasn't soggy, but Aquaman can talk to fish.'

"Let her go! I don't even get why you're chasing us even if you already won!!",Chara screamed,as she futilely tried to take back her freedom from the right metal hand that grabbed her. She was thrown towards a cliff full of trees,too far from her little twin.

I mean, sure, don't bother having Peridot actually interrogate the person she came chasing here or anything, she's only wanting to know precisely where the book is hidden which she already think Chara knows about. Is the author only allowing herself a potty break when she's done writing this thing or what?

"I'll find the last journal,rule all the Inside Falls town,and rule with my best friend foooREEEVEEEER!",Peridot's voice gloated and laughed from the Peri-robot,as Frisk pleaded and screamed for her older twin sister's help.

Still with this sickening friendship angle everywhere. You know what I think at this point? The author is probably intentionally creating a love starved vacuum of emotional bonding, so as to rig and cater her subpar-conveyed romance for her Human AU Garnet and Pearl OTP.

Chara apparently gave up from even trying to defeat Peridot,as she walked away to the forest without her sister...

...but actually,she was gathering impulse for a graceful jump that she used to break in the head of Peri-bot,right trough the glassed right eye that was caught off-guard.

She must have found Peridot's third eye in the back of the robot's head, since she didn't need to get her attention for Chara's glorified maneuver, or did she catch Peridot off guard by coming at her from the front, author?

"Still playing the hero,clod?!",Peridot mocked Chara with a large smile,stepping out of the main control platform. "Admit it,I WON!"

"It is I, the great and lovable fanfic villain! Now that the author has made me outwit you with the snap of a finger, I am now ready to stand still and gloat, so you can beat me up and win!"

"You'll eat those words,twerp.",Chara coldly said,before jumping towards Peridot with a punch that removed the right foot of the Limb Enhancers and made Peridot lose control of the right foot of the Peri-bot.

Chara and Peridot began to fight inside the Peri-robot,as bit by bit,Chara removed Peridot's control over Peri-bot's entire right leg and left arm,the arm that was holding down Frisk. When the control over the left leg went down,Peridot had no more control over Peri-bot's balance,and surely enough,it began to fall for its own doom.

You'd think that disconnecting a controlling unit would simply make a limb freeze up as it doesn't even get any more information to make it drop itself, but what do I know, I've only built, programmed and remote controlled robots, I've never actually piloted them.

Asriel,who got out of his hiding cover,would almost scream a big 'NO!' because of his cousin's deaths,but when he almost did it,he noticed two tiny 'bits' on the distance slowly levitating...they were actually Chara and Frisk themselves,who managed to survive thanks for Frisk's umbrella,who made them slowly levitate to the ground.

Because why copy a full minute of suspense into your fanfic when you know your readers already know what's going to happen. I called this shit back in Chapter 1, knowing that cartoon physics that the source material never relied on would be the author's excuse. I should have taken that prediction as an omen, as it is exactly how this author writes this junk, only removing logic entirely rather than substituting it with anything.

"That was amazing,sis! You were great!",Frisk happily spoke,hugging Chara.

"And you did it all with nothing to prove, no low point to rise from, and I'm still scared of you at times."

"Heh...thanks. I did what I had to do.",Chara replied with a smile as she picked back the mysterious book with the gemstones and number '3' on the cover.

Which got teleported here, as the author specifically told us that Peridot left it behind at the shack!!!.

Chara and Frisk began to look at the debris that remained from the robot: lots of the Inside Falls' inhabitants began to circle it,shocked and surprised about the nearby explosion,but mainly,because it was a object that belonged to Peridot

If it had been a nuclear test bombing, they would have been completely casual about it, and that might even explain some of the monsters, come to think of it.

. ...Unfortunately,the town was still hypnotized by Peridot's fabricated charm and the police duo would arrest them purely for the sake of Peridot.

Image

I'm bending over backwards here, reinterpreting every line, every word, filtering through a brain mesh to catch stupid and correct it at every turn, author. You almost had me believing you were blithering about Peridot hypnotizing people now, through her pins, which the word 'charm' can substitute for. Then I remembered you are borderline illiterate in English. We are still at the point, though, that you haven't demonstrated the charm. You have had none of these backdrop bozos exposit why they like or are convinced by Peridot. Because you are lazy and don't think you have to, I guess!

"WAIT A MOMENT THERE!",Pearl's voice called out,as Pearl herself,on her casual clothes,ran to in-front of the Dreemurr twins as the police gave that look of 'Not her again...'. "I bet you two and almost everyone here still think Peridot is the nicest and most honest star of the town,huh? So check this out! HI-YAY!",Pearl continued,as she gave a kind of athetic kick on the fallen Peri-bot,making it drop a panel.

Athletic, pathetic, you choose what the author meant. This is not how you do a reveal of charms being fraudulent, author. Depending on the influence in question, what's there even to be said? Gidoen had the backing of the town because he had convinced them through the use of spy cameras that he was truly psychic, and Stan's hearing aid reacted to the transmission signal more than once in the episode currently being ripped off. In this chapter, you have Pearl somehow listen closely to a pin and is now going to tell people that the charming girl isn't charming? I didn't even bother reading ahead on how you make Pearl succeed in revealing Peridot's manipulations, because everything in this fanfic, from the internal errors to the scene copying, is predictable in its conclusion. Let's check it out, shall we?

Inside the fallen Peri-bot,there was many television screens showing citizens of Inside Falls in their most intimate moments. Everyone that managed to catch a glimpse at one television screen managed to recognize themselves or a dear one...and they almost couldn't believe on what their eyes were really seeing.

"I found out the pins are actually cameras thanks to the feedback over them!",Pearl continued,as she extended one of her palms to show the Peridot pin as she broke it,revealing a camera inside it. "Apparently someone else was actually a fraud all along! And its not me."

Image

So, now we've read it. Was it everything you expected it to be? Let's just take the canon reveal and tag on the reason people now don't like her being that she invaded their privacy a little bit. Bait and switch doesn't cover this insurmountable load of incompetence at setting up the actual mystery and influence meant to lead up to this climax. Had you taken money for your work, I'm convince people could sue you for such shitty writing, author!

The inhabitants of Inside Falls felt almost shocked

Almost, but not quite, apparently.

with the jarring truth that Peridot,the child star of the Tent of Technomagic and the public personality they all equally loved off...was actually a bratty monster who was just fooling them and using her charm to get away with dirty crimes.

Getting out of a speeding ticket on the spot is done via charm, author. Peridot pretends to be a master of magic and technology, and that has yet to be dispelled.

Everyone began to throw off their Peridot pins on the ground and to look at their former beloved star with furious looks that demanded explanation.

Easy, author, there's no need for projecting your readers' turning on you from reading this far.

Peridot even began to babble,trying to invent a lie,but there was no way she could get around her acts anymore.

"What we shall do about her,Tara?",Deputy Geremy asked to Tara,wipping his own tears of sadness away.

"...Jail.",Tara said,in the midset of endless sobs.

I guess Tara was just widely known for saying 'Jail' a lot, oh how humorous a joke substitution this was, author, you simpleton.

"Ma'am,you are under arrest for being a criminal mastermind that manipulated the whole town on almost workshipping you.",Sheriff Raynold coldly said for Peridot,as he putted handcuffs appropriate for the size of her arms.

Because it has to be cold and furious, angry, angst, anger, malevolence, any other emotion to hit home who has been a naughty, superior villain to the canon, and that everyone are guiltless geniuses for being taken advantage of through hypnosis if that's even still a thing. The Gravity Falls townspeople reacted with sadness, sorrow, and remorse at the revealed betrayal, author. You attempt to preach emotions but your writing-range has all the dimensions of a pixel.

"WHAT?!",Peridot yelled as she realized she was about to go to jail.

"I have...some stuff to pick with Peridot,so please give me a moment.",Pearl politely apologized for the policemen,as she picked Peridot and violently shaked her,making her drop alot of belongings,including the second edition of the mysterious book and the deed of the Crystal Shack,both of them which Pearl picked up.

And your dumb ass can't even keep in the ambiguity for a later reveal as to whether she took the book while grasping the deed, author. Why do I bother? It's clear that you know people know you are stuck on all the canon plotlines and you won't ever pull the effort to make it any different. Fanfics are supposed to be better than this. People write and read them to glimpse the potential of fiction. What do you think you have managed to produce here? A changeless 'what-if'. A 'could-have-been' that's without deviation. It's Gravity Falls in its entirety with a mismatched subtitle track.

"NO! Don't send me to jail,you bunch of dirt bombs!!",

More stolen character referencing words that overlap with no remote context, what else is new?

Peridot yelled,as she was shoved inside the police car. "Oh you'll see you will regret ever learning about the real me!

Good point, who are you even?

I'll be back,and I'll get my revenge over every one of YOOOOOOOU!...",Peridot continued yelling,as the police car drived away.

Meiko's cameraman pointed out to Pearl,Chara and Frisk,all of them making a collaborative pose to appear well on television.

Alright, but who is going to stand in front of Chara?

"The heroine Ms. Crystal Dreemurr managed to reveal that Peridot Diamond was actually the fraud between them.",

I can't tell if this is an attempt to whitewash Pearl of the Stan themes stapled onto her, or if the author is simply being an idiot again.

Meiko spoke to the camera,before pointing her microphone to Pearl. "Anything you have to say about your victory,Ms. Crystal?"

"The Crystal Shack will be better than EVER!",Pearl cheerfuly announced,as Chara and Frisk joyfully followed suit.

Fine. One and a half star, then.

---

After a incredibly sucessful visit the Crystal Shack recieved and the reunion of Frisk with Temmie,Chara and Frisk went to the bedroom's attic they missed a lot to pack back their stuff. Pearl decided to visit the bedroom,still in her business suit,just to see her dear great-nieces.

"How are my favorite great-nieces doing?",Pearl playfully asked with a sweet smile.

Getting tunnel vision and whiplash from the author speeding through the script events, why do you ask?

"We are doing pretty well,Grauntie Pearl.",Frisk answered with a joyful smile and a thumb up reflecting the one she was wearing on her jumper and her bowtie as well.

"We also...wanted to reveal something to you since we learned you aren't exactly unaware of the supernatural.",

A fact that never had any influence on your lives and won't alter anything in the future either.

Chara said,and invited Pearl to sit besides her with a body command.

Is 'gesture' the more naughty option between your choice of words, author?

"Back in the beginning of summer,I found out this book.",Chara continued,handing to Pearl the mysterious book as the latter began to open it and read it carefully. "It houses information about anything you ever wanted to know of bizzare in Inside Falls,and Peridot was going crazy searching for this book. I really never found out who is the real author of this book,but I know that its better tell to you about it now than never."

"It is also nearly identical to that other book, which the author said you picked up but never bothered to specify whether we saw you doing it or not."

"Hmmmmm...Now I understand why you both were acting weirder since that day.",Pearl said in a calm and understanding tone. "Mind if I borrow it? I want to read it and learn about the things you and your sister saw in this summer."

"...Ooookaaay.",Chara reluctantly agreed,actually surprised that Pearl wasn't actually trying to make up excuses about Chara's story like telling Chara and Frisk about their 'giant and wild imagination'.

And she clearly doesn't care for their health either, considering Stan tried to protect his niece and nephew by denying the supernatural and discourage investigation of it.

"Why Grauntie Pearl wants that book? For me,it doesn't exactly sound like she wants it just to read...",Frisk asked to Chara as Pearl left the room,just to recieve a confused shrug from Chara as a answer; neither of them actually knew Pearl's intentions.

Do you merely find it hilarious to inject your story with plot-omniscient retards incapable of utilizing said notions, author, or do you do it by mistake?

"Hey,lets play ball!",Asriel said as he came into Chara and Frisk's bedroom with a ball on his hand. Both Chara and Frisk decided to leave their thoughts and questions behind to enjoy some genuine fun as a way to celebrate their victory.

~~

In that same day's night...

If I said, that the only thing more linear than the author's adherence to the canon plot was the flow of time, I'd be lying.

Pearl silently sneaked into the gift shop with only a lantern and the gemstone book of number '3',and entered a code on the vending machine to open it.

She then restocked the candy inside of it and went to bed, the mundane description overturning the extraordinary plot for once.

When she entered inside the vending machine,she found herself on a badly-illuminated room with stairs that only leaded themselves down. After climbing down all the stairs,she entered a elevator and pressed a combination of buttons on the evelator's panel: the alchemical symbols for 'Bismuth','Iron','Silver','Zinc',and the 'Down' button.

I feel that the element of 'Down' had a big role in the production of this fanfic.

Pearl got out of the elevator and found herself in a dark room infested with machines and sensors glowing in different colors. The lady went trough all the machinery and stopped her track to sit on a chair in front of a desk and a switchboard. She opened the desk to pull out a book...the first edition of the gemstone book.

Gemstone book? You went twenty chapters prattling on about 'mysterious book with the gemstones and number' shit, and now twenty chapters in you finally address it like this?!

"It has been a long time since I've been searching for those three...",Pearl calmly spoke,

"I gave it a shot for three days, then I got bored. It's not like I felt I had to, or would have reason to keep trying, since the author told me the plot twenty years ahead of time, probably."

as she laid down the first gemstone book,the second one (that she putted there since she picked it from Peridot)

Am I the only one thinking it funny that the author thought that parenthesis was both necessary and satisfactory at the same time?

and the third one,first wield by Chara. "But now,all of them are together.",Pearl continued,as she opened the third book on a page of a bizzare concept art Chara never understood.

She had so much trouble understanding it that it was never brought up even once. Imagine that. Or try to imagine the opposite, since that's actually a more interesting challenge.

She opened the second book,who showed the right part of the concept art and finally the first one,who contained the base for all the concept art.

Schematics. Plans. Blueprints. Why, for the love of proper translation, did you use the words concept art?

Pearl used the concept art the three books made together to press a certain combination of buttons and pull of a switch. From beyond the glass of the switchboard,

Located on the second-to-fourth wall, I imagine.

a giant machine with the exact shape of the concept art (including the minimalist 'X above an O' symbol of the Inside Falls town)

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You do know that the rest of the world doesn't exist inside your head and know what the fuck you imply to envision, right, author?

began to glow on a magenta color. Pearl ran to the room containing the machine and watched as bursts of electricity sended flashes of light all across the room before it turned on completely,opening a giant ball of light on its center that blowed a cold wind on Pearl's hair.

"I'm ready to save you.",Pearl calmly spoke to the machine with a victorious smile putting her hands on her hips.

"I'll just announce to all the readers what my actual intent is and deflate any potential wonder, question, tension or suspicion that could found any sort of intrigue in later chapters. I'm such a complex character."

Chapter 20, done. Halfway there after a year of mocking this fanfic. Now I need a break. I'm going to put this thing on hiatus for at max a year. I'll be doing the author a favor that way, because I intend to give this fanfic a carte blanche, a freebie, a blank slate, a chance for a do over, so to speak. When I pick this trash heap up again, I am going to pretend this Season 1 of it went off without a hitch, with no flaws, everything happened like the author thinks it came across, like a crossover- altered canon where things went differently. It didn't. We all know that. But I'm going to be generous and ignore that, up until Garnet is "revealed" that is. Then the kid gloves come off, because the mask will once more drop from this script-recast, this Crossover AU composed of AUs that the author didn't write, and everything leading up to and including the finale will prove itself pointless in the end. Until then, I'll cleanse my palette with something that at least has the possibility of surprising me.

YAT: 63
BTTP: 226
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ConcernedGamer
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Re: Inside Falls

Post by ConcernedGamer » Mon Sep 21, 2020 4:08 pm

I left this mock untouched and unread, just as I promised myself, for nearly a year. Ten months later, I am able to count the instances I've thought about this fanfic on one hand. And as impressive as that may sound, the fact that I can make a recollection accurate enough to produce that statement bares a very problematic issue. I remember nearly everything! Granted, I have an odd knack for unintentionally remembering random things, my country even having a term for it directly translated out to mean 'adhesive brain', but it's hardly surprising in this case when considering the source. The author has taken one of my favorite shows and given it a new but very unappealing and slap-dash coat of paint that is peeling off the moment you use an ounce of brain power. Less than unintentionally using the canon as a memetic glue, the author lazily pulled the show through her filter of random crossover-camo decors, and by virtue of the show's quality and popularity, every flaw the author afflicted it in this fanfic is a rap sheet easy to list the moment I think about a specific episode. Because, again, and this bears repeating, the author did nothing but copy line, pacing, transitions, and the very breath of every scene in every episode of Gravity Falls, and then figuratively edited it with badly overlain MS Paint drawings. Teletubbies instead of gnomes. Clay Asland instead of wax Sherlock Holmes. Inklings instead of Manotaurs. Pacman ghosts and an arcade cabinet with the online game Destiny in it. A water-themed festival with Sugar Sucre instead of the Halloween Trickster, Chara's single-dot birthmark, Jasper's muscles, Vocaloid android pop-stars, a creepy-pasta extravaganza, the list goes on, and I will never find rest from this cursed transcript that has become my own hellish meme!

As such, I still intend to first reread my entire mock at the expected halfway-point of this season rip-off, but I can't grant the fanfic the kids gloves I promised. It's only shield will be the holes remaining in my memory. The atrocities it has wrought permeates my thoughts in flashback fashion, but my own responses and reactions are a bit more difficult to recall, so I will apologize in advance if I accidentally drag a dead horse up out of the mud or repeat a joke at my own expense. Don't think I've forgotten about the 'Better Than The Pines' list, nor the 'You Are Twins' count, though. I found myself making notes for those upon starting mocking this chapter without even skipping a beat. So let's get on with it and stick through another full year long project derived from something that only took the author a month to produce. Love it or hate it, these are the things I do for fun. Here's Chapter 21, Monster-Vocals.

A massive magenta light began to glow out of the Crystal Shack,but Chara and Frisk - the latter sleeping with both her pet Temmie and her gifted umbrella - were too busy resting from the intense previous day to pay attention.

Unlike well-rested people, who can manage to pay attention while fast asleep.

But if they ever bothered to look,neither of them could ever guess the cause of the almost-blinding light was the machine Pearl was looking forward for powering up a long,long time ago.

People would rue the day they told her she couldn't bring back the seventies by installing a disco ball in the AC unit.

"After all these thirty years,I'll finally rescue you...",Pearl said to the machine,with a slightly emotional tone.

You couldn't even pretend to hide the love-interest rescue reveal you've concocted, could you, author? The problem is I can't tell if it's your perished efforts, or you think you're actually pulling off what the show was going for in regards to mystery.

Afterwards,she walked to the switchboard and began to press a combination of switches besides it. "I reached this far...but...the twins...they can't know about it. They aren't ready yet.",Pearl said more sadly,as she looked at a picture of Chara and Frisk resting on the board and putted gloves with larger palms in gemstone shape.

I'll ignore my gripes on the arbitrary excuse Pearl made, in favor of pointing out that for all the author's lacking English skills, anyone should know the description of oven mitts when they write one.

As Pearl pulled a lever of maximum power for the machine,the magenta glow it began to create increased,spreading to the house of Lapis and the jail cell of Peridot; it was like a new sun with a new color...

Magenta sunsets and sunrises exist, author.

...unfortunately,a group of people from the goverment recognized the signals they never saw in thirty years,and two of them decided to to make their preparations to visit the town of Inside Falls,Oregon.

Right between the ocean and a mountain named after a diamond, right. I can't wait to see the next victims of the author's canon-splicing, AU-filtered, lottery-drawn character substitutions. I mean, she can't always default to Vocaloid characters, right?

---

In the morning (more specifically, 8:00 AM)...

Which makes the first part of your sentence redundant to write, more specifically, fuck you.

The grand re-opening of the Crystal Shack was starting. The group of tourists that was making a good part of the crowd began to cheer for Pearl,Chara and Frisk,all of them using the balcony as a form of 'stage'.

The towns people in the crowd who actually have a reason to be the ones cheering simply couldn't give a fuck. Wait, balcony? I could make conspiracy theories on how often something is being addressed as a balcony in Gravity Falls fanfics that actually aren't, at this point.

"Welcome,my fellow buckos! I'm happy to announce that,because of me,that twerp Peridot Diamond is on her right place!",Pearl gleefuly said to the crowd,as she pulled out of her back a little doll shaped like Peridot that everyone boo-ed towards. "But I have to thank off my very amazing nieces for a great part of the job.",Pearl said in a more humble voice,hugging Frisk and Chara's shoulder's. Frisk gave a double V sign with her fingers to the crowd while Chara thumbed up with a sharp smirk.

But as no one in the crowd was a giant weeb, they all interpreted Frisk to be making peace signs instead of signs for victory.

"Can you please smile for the camera?",both Meiko and Kaito asked for the three Dreemurrs.

"Alright.",Frisk agreed with a friendly smile,while Chara and Pearl went along. "Let's say three happy gems!",Frisk said to Chara and Pearl.

Wow, way to trigger Pearl about her lost love-life, dude. Oh wait, right, Garnet wouldn't be a fusion in this story, and Grauntie Pearl is just a hollow shell that can only borrow singular significantly spoken word by her canon character.

"Three happy gems!",Chara,Frisk and Pearl said together as each of them made a unique pose for the photo.

I'd believe it if Chara was twerking and flipping off the camera for the extra insult, how about you guys?

"Be sure to check the after-party at this night,my fellows!",Pearl announced to the crowd,pulling from her sleeve Frisk's hand-drawn poster of the 'After Party',who showed the three Dreemurrs with fancy,slightly dark cyan outfits.

Guys, I think the author favors neon colors, but I'm not sure how exactly I can tell, I mean, the writing is so subtle.

"I,my dear great aunt and my even dearest twin sister will perform a personal favorite song of mine.",Frisk happily spoke to the crowd. Both Pearl and Chara shouted a surprised 'WHAT?!' upon hearing Frisk's idea,but before either of them could protest agains't Frisk's idea,Lapis blew an air horn.

Pearl having an issue with singing? How am I supposed to recognize any of these characters, author?!

"The tickets are along this wave!",Lapis called out,making the crowd follow her outside the crowd,and giving enough privacy to the three Dreemurrs.

If anything, author, your auto-correct seems to have a sense for unintentional puns.

"Well...Grauntie Pearl...",Chara began to speak,in a more quieter,calmer tone of voice. "I'm happy the 'twerp' known as Peridot isn't making our life a living hell anymore,right?"

You are asking someone whether you are happy or not, and I'm inclined to believe you actually need the clarification.

"Mmm-hmm.",Pearl agreed with Chara. "...Oh! By the way,here it is.",Pearl suddenly spoke,sounding like she was just remembering something,as she pulled another thing from her sleeve...the mysterious book with the gemstones and the number '3'.

And it's right here my BTTP list gets revitalized as these vacuously virtuous canon-slaves remember the next line in the script after having made sure not to make any demands of each other. And call it a journal already, it's a word that is part of the dictionary, for crying out loud!

"*gasp* ...u-uhm...thanks.",Chara thanked with surprise as she picked back up the book with wide knowledge about the craziness of Inside Falls and chuckled a little as she recieved a cheek kiss from her great aunt. "I'll...like...find more things here with my little sis.",Chara said,going to the stairs that took off to the attic and carrying Frisk.

Are we sure this is Chara, or did I forget which episode that had the shapeshifter in it? That had better not be a fucking Ditto, by the way.

As soon as Chara found herself and Frisk inside the attic's bedroom,Chara closed the door shut to avoid Pearl entering inside. Afterwards,she began to re-arrange Frisk's dolls (including some that were Bendy characters),pull a curtain on the window to seal the outside world's vision and turn on her electric lamp. It was a ritual for all the times Chara arranged the mystery knowledge she had from the bizzare town,but it was the first time Frisk was witnessing and participating of one.

Which is why we've seen it happen so often in this fanfic up until now, of course. Seriously, author, it's blatant that you want Chara to now get a gold star for always having been a cautiously paranoid shrimp off your plagiarism. And thanks for making me suffer further flashbacks, as I had actually blissfully forgotten the supporting Bendy replacements instead of Mabel's dream boys.

"Frisk...we are halfway trough our summer vacation. And yet...I may be not even a tiny inch closer to finding out the truth behind the mysteries of Inside Falls!",Chara began,sounding a bit more trembly and confused after each word.

And now a random misspelling is giving me flashbacks to the author's non-binary cowboy impersonator with feminine eyes. Can I ever catch a break?

"Why Peridot almost blew up Inside Falls just to grab the book? Who is the author of those books and where are the others? What the green elf of those Zodiac Demons meant to say with 'everything we ever knew and will ever know will change forever'? We have to find answers to our questions,our period to goof around is over."

If I had to grant you something as an accomplishment, author, I'd say you are outdoing Turkish Starwars, but in what way I don't want to say.

"Are you sure the blank pages are just...blank pages?",Frisk asked,failing to hide the fact she was very worried about the health state of her older sister's head.

And that concern is shown by directing her sister's deteriorating mind's attention to stare at nothing? Okay.

"No...there's just a big piece of the puzzle missing...it will answer everything,hopefully.",Chara hastily answered,flipping trough the pages of the book.

Holy shit, the wanton character glorification is in full throttle this chapter, having these kids already knowing ahead of time that blank pages are not blank. Do they not have the word for 'mystery' in the author's native language?

"Hmmm...okay.",Frisk replied,while attending to a little injury over Temmie's paw. "If you want some emotional comfort,I and Temmie will be here for you."

"Thank you F-",Chara began to thank her little twin sister,until she realized a low,approaching noise. The noise of a car in movement. "...You hear that?",Chara asked to Frisk,who nervously nodded in agreement.

Egad, a car, who could that possibly be coming to this tourist attraction? Go fuck yourself and your semi-omniscient danger-sensing characters, author.

~~

The young Dreemurrs weren't the only one to notice the noise of the car moving. Pearl saw it coming trough a window and she,with panic and fear ruling her soul,began to close the windows and fetch away the tourists from the Crystal Shack's giftshop.

You know, if it turned out to be a van with the words 'Mr. Universe' on the side of it, I wouldn't even demand an explanation as to her reaction.

"Grauntie Pearl!! What is going on?!",Frisk asked to Pearl in a scared voice,as she and Chara climbed down the stairs and walked towards the old lady.

"Is this something...like a insanely dangerous person coming?",Chara asked,raising a eyebrow of curiosity mixed with a tad bit of worry.

Are you perhaps feeling territorial about your monopoly on terrorizing your family, Chara?

"Y-yes...I'm afraid you are righ-",Pearl almost answered the question of her older great niece,until a knock from the door interrupted her. The twins,Asriel and Lapis nervously watched as Pearl politely opened the door for the unexpected visitor of the Crystal Shack's giftshop.

Or,actually...visitors.

Do you make these twisting turns of phrases intentionally, or do you think your readers and the Dremurrs presume that only one person can ever be in one car?

Two women with slightly similar faces,noses,eyeglasses and goverment suits with black and white color. One of them had a brown hair with a big bang pointed downwards and blue eyes,while the other had a blonde hair sticked upwards and green eyes.

Darn, spinning the roulette wheel here. Zircon and Zircon, I presume?

"O-oh! Welcome to the Crystal Shack! Do you want anything here?",Pearl asked to the pair of women with a tone that was definitively trying to enforce a lie but was miserably failing because of the panic. "Key chains of mystery? Snow globes that house mysteries? ...Rare american president photos?"

Did you perhaps want to indicate the intended bribe by mentioning the display of money, author? Of course you wouldn't?

As a quiet answer,the two women showed I.D cards of goverment.

A whole each.

While the brunette woman was showing a slightly anxious smile,the blonde woman showed a more sassy frown.

Still haven't got a clue about these two. Are they from an anime, a game, a live action movie, what?

"Agent DZ and Agent PZ!...sent to investigate this town's shady activities.",the brunette woman said,composing herself from a apparent anxiety.

You don't know how names work, do you, author?

"Oh! I assure you the Crystal Shack is one-hundred percent non-shady!",Pearl tried to assure the agents,backing up towards the door and threatening to close off the door.

"*ahem* This is serious,goverment business.",Agent PZ,the blonde,said in a sour tone,pushing Pearl aside in a pretty rude way and entering inside the Crystal Shack,with the brunette Agent DZ following behind with a anxious expression.

Asuka Langley and a color-swabbed Rei Ayanami from Evangelion, maybe? Look, the author replaced Pacifica with a random rich girl from an old PS1 game, there is not supposed to be any rhyme or reason expected here.

"...Shady activities?",Chara spoke with a raising curiosity as she saw the two agents entering inside the giftshop of the Crystal Shack. "As in...the mysteries of this town?"

"Precisely!",Agent DZ answered Chara,adjusting the eyeglass on her eye and kneeling down to the 12-years old girl's height level. "And to be even more precise...the truth about the supernatural activies of this town. And I-...I mean,we are one step closer to finding the answer."

You haven't even found the origin of the mystery yet, what is it with this author's conflating and misappropriating dialogue?

"You're blooming joking?! I HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS!!",Chara cheerfully yelled,the joy of finding another person from outside the Inside Falls town also trying to dig into the town's supernatural side briefly taking over her.

No. No you don't, Chara. You just fretted upstairs of how you've been going nowhere with a bunch of mysteries to which you have no answers. Author, do you know what you are writing half the time, or is this story just cohesive by random chance? This isn't even BTTP material, you are just being dumb.

"O-oh...*ahem* Sorry. I mean...I found out a book in the woods who have alot of answers. I know I'm kind of young,but I can be a big aid on you and your partner's work."

"W-well...if you say so...",Agent DZ agreed with a bit of surprise on her voice,as she began to pull out her card from her pocket and offer it to Chara,who gleefully began to extend her hand to grasp the card.

"OOOOOOOH NONONONONO!",Pearl suddenly spoke in a loud,fast and hysterical tone,grasping the card and putting it inside a box.

Do you have any grasp on restraint, both of characters and yourself, author? Your choice of descriptions formulates a narrative, where the only point of tension is how much higher every character can turn up their reactions past eleven. Nothing will happen with this, even by suddenly turning the whole thing into a crack-fic with these grossly exaggerated behaviors you keep injecting into your stolen script.

"I'm sorry for letting my niece bother you,she just likes to boast about her intelligence,just go other place to interrogate other people,bye-bye-bye-bye!",Pearl continued,closing the vending machine,putting two pieces of merchandise on each of the agents,pushing them to the outside and closing the door very hastily.

Apologies, let me correct that; your stolen cliff notes from the script.

"...*deep breath* GRAUNTIE PEEEEEARL!!! WHYYYY?!",Chara yelled,her patience towards her great aunt cracking.

There's this word called 'obnoxious', author. Just because Chara is your main character, that doesn't exempt her from it, and I pray for your family that you aren't projecting your own examples onto her.

"*sigh* You are aware the goverment and their agents isn't something to be toyed around with,right? Just...don't talk to them.",Pearl said to Chara in a futile attempt to calm her down as she carried the box somewhere else.

"Chara?",Frisk called out Chara's attention,slightly snapping her from a bit of her anger. "We should try to chill out with Grauntie Pearl and just forget this little argument. Also...don't try to summon magic monsters,ok?",Frisk continued.

Fuck off, author, your dialogue has the same function and appearance of a newspaper clippings ransom note, informing us that it is holding the canon and its future plot points hostage.

"*low growl*...I need a freaking chocolate bar...",Chara quietly said. Frisk sadly sighed and picked from the balcony a bar of chocolate that was already open since a while ago.

Because Chara would surely hurt Frisk if she hadn't managed to find that in a pinch. Yeah, I never forgot a single detail about their abusive relationship.

As Chara picked the offered chocolate bar from her little twin sister,she began to furiously munch on it without much thought over it,also offering two squares for Frisk...who just accepted one out of kindness.

Oh, what kindness, how benevolent of her to offer the chocolate she pressured Frisk into handing her. Why do you not realize the interaction between these two are so unhealthy, author?

---

Hours later...

The party's setup of a pre-dominant pastel cyan color was almost done,including the karaoke machine standing on the podium.

I thought you said it was a balcony.

Pearl walked towards a Frisk adjusting her musical note's jumper and small high-heel boots.

"Ok,outfit done...now let's see the music here...",Frisk said,as she picked the microphone and pressed a button on the karaoke machine to advance the karaoke song. "'I'm Blue','Let it Go'...'Orchestra'...oh,hey Grauntie Pearl! You actually want to sing?"

You are just going to pretend you were giving her a choice? Also, really, author? You couldn't do a single effort into making parody titles like the show did? Next you'll tell me you just copied in an entire song as well.

"No.",Pearl answered with some hint of awkwardness. "...singing to a very big audience isn't my forte."

Yeah, can we send this Pearl back to the Reef? It's not even defective at this point, it's clearly broken.

"Neither is mine. I mean...we can overcome our fear together! ...right?",Frisk innocently and a bit cheerfuly asked to Pearl,just recieving a visibly awkward face from Pearl.

And like an earlier chapter we are back at Frisk just considering her demands justified as long as she hand-waves having her own issues she can force someone alongside her to suffer through! Every excuse this author think she can use for selfish actions is in this fanfic!

"Wooooo,scary! Right?",Lapis played with Chara,making a motion of a ghost trying to scare its victim. However,Chara didn't even try to play along with Lapis.

"Why Pearl did have to do that? Its just over-protectiveness for my safety? Because if that is it,she should know by now I ain't a immature kid...",Chara sighed,clutching a paper clip sack on her left hand.

Yeah, your reaction was so mature alright, what with your long-drawn whining and moping. But of course the author has to tag this nonsense you are saying on, since she left out the context of Pearl pretending to not believe any supernatural things are happening.

"I bet over-protectiveness...of the motherly kind.",Lapis said,crouching down and putting her two hands in Chara's shoulders.

Horrifying body impalement like these are perfectly normal for this fanfic, thanks for the reminder.

"I bet she hides everything just to not make you see stuff you'll regret seeing."

"...Like my mental weirdness?",Chara sourly asked to Lapis,sounding slightly uninteresed at Lapis' opinion.

Since you seem so aware of it, kiddo, why don't you stick it up your own ass or see a fucking shrink, instead of dragging Pearl into your personal issues.

"...Yeah,kinda like that.",Lapis simply gave up and agreed with Chara and putted over her head a party hat of pastel green.

No one in this universe can tolerate this kid either, why does the author think her readers can?

~~

"Golly,I love alot how those 'Pearlñatas' look!",Asriel proudly said,as he stacked piñatas shaped after Pearl's head. "What do you think of them,girls?"

That's kind of morbid, considering what you do with them. Wouldn't a Peridot head be better?

"AWESOME!",Amethyst answered,giving a uppercut on one of the piñatas shaped like Pearl and destroying it. "I'm gonna love smashing them!"

Piñatas are for the weak. In my culture's comparative tradition, kids have to take turns swinging a bat against a wooden barrel until it break in order to get their candy.

"Maybe I'll have just some candy.",Connie said with a smile,as she picked a popsicle from the destroyed Pearl piñata and began to unwrap and lick it.

Popsicle? Did they store the piñata in the freezer? I hope you meant a sucker, you sucker.

"Amethyst! Connie!",Frisk screamed with joy,running towards her best friend's in Inside Falls and hugging them both.

"Woah! Is that a musical jumper,Fry?",Amethyst asked to Frisk as the trio broke the hug,noticing the colorful musical notes over Frisk's jumper.

I keep wondering what the author would answer if I could ask her why she picked Connie and a human AU version of Amethyst as replacements for Grenda and Candy. If it was because she thinks they match up, that points out the hollowness in her purpose of writing with easy substitutions that have no effect on the script. If it's just because she likes the characters, then they have no character substance from whatever she picked their iterations from.

"Yep. If you touch a note,a music will play.",Frisk answered with a patient,happy smile. To satisfy her curiosity,Amethyst poked a yellow note on Frisk's jumper,and a simple but cheerful techno music began to play.

"Wooo!",the three girls said as they began to happily dance to the sound of the music inputted on Frisk's jumper.

More people slowly came to the party,including Lapis' teen friends,Haku,Knux and Tara. Pearl warmly smiled over this fact as she counted the dollars on the table of admission.

They might as well be Huey, Dewie, and Lewie for all I recall of them being color-coded replacements

"No agents...everyone is coming...phew. I hope this day will come along just fine.",Pearl spoke with a smile. "Hmmm...how Lapis and Chara are doing?",Pearl continued,looking at where Lapis and Chara were formerly standing. There was no signal of them.

---

It was because both Lapis and Chara were in-front of the door that took to Pearl's room.

They never decided to come here! The plot just teleported them after their downer of a conservation!

Below the identification of the room,there was a big sign with a warning. 'PLEASE,STAY AS FAR AS POSSIBLE FROM HERE.' And below this big sign,there was a smiling photo of Chara with a green X above it and the message 'ITS FOR YOU OWN GOOD'.

It's funny because Pearl thinks Chara can read.

"I'll give you cover while you're inside. Good luck finding...something.",Lapis said to Chara,and the latter agreed with a nod before bursting inside Pearl's room.

Stealth!

Chara began to check trough two closets and one drawer. Everything she found on those two places where just a bunch of magazines,the ones on the second drawer being the creepiest of them all,and a pair of cyan kickboxing boots and spears of spiral design that didn't make a whole lot of sense for Chara.

So because everything has to be different but the same, Pearl has a past with kickboxing to match with Stan having had regular boxing training. You could make stories like this one with a randomizer algorithm!

Finally,she found the box Pearl putted the card on hidden inside a suspicious picture of Pearl.

I have to say, author, you really nailed descriptions here by just pointing at things and calling them creepy or suspicious. Why bother with anything else when you can just tell your readers what to think, am I right?

"Yes.",Chara said in a victorious tone as she ran towards the phone on the room and dialed the number on the card. "Alo?"

Funny, with the amount of anime-material in here, I had expected a "moshi moshi".

"W-who are you?",Agent DZ's voice asked from the other side of the line.

"Its me,Chara. That girl from the Crystal Shack that*ahem*,boasts about her intelligence.",Chara answered. "Like I said on that hour,I have a book with probably a good part of the answers."

"Oh! Are you certain it contains...one-hundred percent trustworthy information?",Agent DZ asked again,not sounding so anxious anymore.

Who are you?!

"Yes. And I can proof if I need.",Chara answered,a small smile forming over her lips.

"Alright! I'll warn to Agent PZ we got a new ally in this puzzle.",Agent DZ said in a friendly tone to Chara. But for Chara's misfortune and surprise,Pearl interrupted the call by pressing a button on the phone.

So, Chara is just supposed to correctly guess that Pez dispenser and her partner are coming to visit for the plot to keep going, then?

"I was distracted by a...very funny photo of my friend...",Lapis awkwardly explained to Chara with a nervous face.

Hilarious, author. Your lapses of laziness with details is what makes this badly conveyed scene reenactment fanfic a chore to sit through.

"Chara,why you still insist on stepping in the goverment's work?",Pearl said,sounding pretty furious as she grabbed the phone from Chara's hand and hanged it up. "They don't need to know about the paranormal things of Insid-",Pearl continued,but then she interrupted herself and covered her mouth,like she slipped up on a topic that she shouldn't be commenting on.

"Grauntie Pearl,if you dared to fight a big dinosaur,then you must know something we don't!",Chara furiously snapped towards Pearl.

Oh, what a big brain thought right there, genius. That's like saying that just because you clean up an oil spill, you must be convinced about global warming!

"Young lady. You will be grounded after the party. Now,get out of my room.",Pearl coldly spoke towards Chara,pointing towards the exit of the room. As Lapis and Chara leaved the room,however,Pearl sighed in sadness and went towards the vending machine to input the code that took towards the mysterious room.

It conveniently teleported inside her room, I guess, since the author thinks the word 'however' now constitutes and entire change in backdrops.

~~

During the party,in the parking lane...

Chara ran to the parking lane of the Crystal Shack,taking the chance Pearl wasn't actively watching her,and went towards the car of Agent DZ and Agent PZ to meet up with them.

They are here? At the party? Were they invited?

"Phew,finally you two came!",Chara said with a smile fixed on her face as she offered the mysterious book to the Agents.

Which one, though? The one with the gemstone and the number '3' on the cover, or some other random mysterious book that the author apparently thinks it needs to be distinguished from?

"This book is probably the lead you two will need to solve this once and for all. If you use the knowledge from this book and some more I added into this,the answers will be finally clear."

Touting your own horn isn't going to change the fact, that you are handing someone a book of questions when they want answers, dum-dum.

"...T-this doesn't make sense!",Agent DZ said with confusion,which deeply shocked Chara. "Who wrote this book and cataloged those phenomenons?!"

"It sincerely more like one of the scans of your 'great-aunt'.",Agent PZ spoke in a un-trusting tone,as she gave a peek at one of the pages. "We shall be leaving."

"And do more paperwork!",Agent DZ agreed,giving back to Chara the mysterious book with gemstones and the number '3' on the cover.

I can't wait for Chara to find the mysterious book with the gemstones and the number '2' on the cover, or when she finds the mysterious book with the gemstones and the number '1' on the cover. Hey, do you think Chara might be convinced that there is a mysterious book with the gemstones and the number '4' on the cover? When the author stops, I'll stop.

"NO! Please wait!! I can show you this book is real!!",Chara screamed and pleaded as she desperately began to try and find a solution on the book. "LOOK,I'll shout a spell now!! Gemmae e! De spiritibus desperatio! Cum mora pax TECUM!"

Look, if Google Translate can't reproduce coherent sentences from your beginners Latin course exercise, why bother including it for the layman to wonder, author? All I can get out of it is something about gems from spirits despairing with delayed peace.

The word 'Tecum' echoed trough the walls,

Asriel has been busy installing those in the parking lane, I guess.

stopping the track of both agents. The three began to scream as the ground shaked and a crack began to form from the ground. A blue light began to glow out of it,and from out of the crack emerged...a large monster with giant size,dog-like aspect,pale blue fur,and a gem on the chest.

First off, author, why was that buried underground? I hate to have to think it necessary for me to explain to you why underground was the ideal spawn point for zombies. Furthermore, why is this even supposed to be any more threatening or different than Ganon? For all I can see, while I hope is not the case, you just took a random gem monster from Steven Universe and applying it in a third and different way that isn't in a crossover sense.

"...w-well...at least I conviced you two,r-right?",Chara asked to the two agents with a very nervous smile fixed on her face.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL-POWERFUL LORD IS THIS?!",Agent DZ and Agent PZ screamed together,pointing towards the giant four-footed beast at the same time.

It's just a bedazzled dog, calm down. What would your reaction even be if a bear jumped out of the woods?

"U-uh,don't worry,the solution is on this book here,o-okay?!",Chara tried to speak and look trough the book,but her words sounded scared and terrified. Unfortunately,as she was about to find the solution,

Sure she was.

the scream from both of the agents echoed,and Chara removed the book from her face to find out the two agents were dragged towards the darkness of Inside Falls because of more beasts with more different aspects and gems.

Image

Yup, it's as I feared. Author, you are injecting things from other universes that don't make sense for them to be the way that you want them to be. Gem monsters are not just pulled out of the ether and manifested like an anvil in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. You are repurposing the looks of creatures that in their own universe had a reason for being what they were and being where they happened to be. You aren't breaking rules here, but you have flipped so many things on their heads already, with Steven Universe material alone. Human AU characters of Gems, stolen from whatever tumbr head-canon you found them in. Names from established characters tagged onto a mountain as a reference. Now, you just straight up stole the corrupted gem people who were once sentient aliens, and you have no manner nor purpose with that to be part of the husks you are parading through your pointlessly maltreated script rewrite. Anyone knowing the source material, which you already had undergo one or two makeovers before you injected it in here, will have their immersion broken from needing to keep track themselves on which version is which, and also from acknowledging why it won't matter in the first place that they are what you say they are!!

"OH GOD...I made...a horrible mistake...",Chara spoke with a small,but deeply horrified and regretful voice.

The party didn't miss the earthquake fact either. As soon as the earthquakes began,every guest of the party began to scream with horror on their voices.

"Everyone! We need to get out and protect ourselves from whatever is happening!",Lapis began to warn to the guest crowd while blowing a airhorn.

Whatever is happening? They are already perceiving it as an earthquake, a natural disaster. The country is riddle with them each year. You just don't want Lapis to be duped, that's it, isn't it?

"You heard that?! Lets go!!",Amethyst said to Connie,as she putted the latter on a sitting position over her shoulders and began to carry her away from the party.

"Frisk! You also need to run now!",Connie screamed to Frisk before she and Amethyst faded away from Frisk's vision.

Could we worry about the pipsqueak's narrow field of view from her light-phobia later, okay?

"Girls,wait! Why you are leaving? Why is this earthquake happening??",Frisk tried to scream for her friends to no avail.

You ask them why they are leaving and acknowledge the earthquake in the same breath? Are you able to put two and two together without coming up with negative five?

In the moment Frisk realized she,Asriel and Temmie were the only ones left on the now-ruined party,she looked back to see her older twin sister Chara..followed by a horde of creatures with bizzare aspects and gems on their bodies. "Chara...please don't tell me you didn't summon magic monsters..."

Well, if you want her to be pedantic about your double negatives, you won't be disappointed.

"...I summoned magic monsters...",Chara confirmed Frisk's doubt with a very ashamed face. "...and I'm very regretful of doing that..."

Okay, and now you may try to tell that to someone who'd believe you.

"Girls,watch out!",Asriel yelled,as a swarm of small,bird-like creatures dashed towards his cousins.

Chara and Frisk managed to avoid the swarm of bird-like creatures,but they were persistent enough to start cornering them. Finally,Asriel decided to push his cousins aside to save their skin...at the cost of him being captured by the swarm,thrown around like a ragdoll and finally,be eaten whole by one of the monsters,which horrified the Dreemurr twins to the core of their souls.

And I'm sure such a dramatic and not at all later rectified moment truly has consequences by how utterly lackluster and summarized this character's perceived death was described. Yawn.

The twins ran trough the side of the house,with Chara ocassionaly taking care of some beasts by attacking and shattering their gems with a frying pan.

Killing gem monsters and having a frying pan pulled out her ass, the author want's to have three crossover cakes and eating them too.

Sadly,using the Crystal Cart wasn't anymore a option since one of the beasts swallowed it whole.

But good on them for considering it, after having entered the house, I guess.

"What we do?! I don't wanna die...",Frisk desperately said in the mid of sobs,hugging Chara. "Why Grauntie Pearl isn't here to help us?!"

"Yeah!! Why isn't she here?!",Chara agreed,sounding more annoyed about Pearl's lack of action than sad/scared like Frisk. "She fighted and tricked a dinosaur! There's no way she can't take care of something like this!"

What are you shouting demands on empty air for? Author, are you just going to take a moment of panicked desperation and turn it into a moment of accusation of disappointed expectancies? What lens are you using to interpret this show with, exactly?

The twins finally found the giftshop,which they decided to use as a brief defense spot. As they entered inside the giftshop,they both used everything they could to block the door and help on the defense.

They used the location for defense and did defense things, what amazing scribbles I have to read for entertainment value.

Unfortunately,the smaller monsters began to break in trough the windows.

"NOOOOO!!",Chara and Frisk screamed together as they saw the monsters getting closer and closer.

They are small enough to enter a window, hit them with your all powerful frying pan, you flip-flop Mary Sue brawler idiot.

"No...why did I have to act that way?! I ruined the party,put our cousin in danger,and now we are going to die without no one to help us!",Chara said in immense regret and sadness as one of the four-footed beasts began to open its mouth.

Yeah, I'm also coming up with zero reasons for why you should not deserve this, to be frank.

"...Frisk,please stay back. If I die,at least I tried to atone myself!",Chara quietly spoke as she went to try and hopelessy fight off the creature by herself.

Fuck off. It's too late to inject some pointless self-sacrifice bullshit mentality from this little brat, author. I know it's the only thing you can probably think of to humanize this demon you yourself wedged into your narrative, but even when you do it, it's nothing but her self-absorbed ego at play, "Oh I must be the one to sacrifice myself because then something might happen, profit, I dunno, it helps no one but my own conscience". No one is better off from this than you having tried to dupe anyone into thinking you have woven a remotely redeemable trait into this literary pest.

"CHARA!",Frisk screamed,but Chara didn't stop. Chara was easily grabbed by one of the paws of the four-footed beast,that began to slowly drift the girl into their mouth as she hopelessy struggled.

I can relate what with struggling with the author teasing me like this and knowing disappointment is my only reward.

However,before Chara could actually be swallowed whole,a yell was heard and the four-footed beast was pierced trough by a wooden spear of spiral design. The beast poofed after being destroyed,dropping Chara,leaving behind just a little gem that was soon crushed over by a feet wearing cyan kickboxing boots. Chara and Frisk looked up to discover who was their savior: Grauntie Pearl,who was wearing her short pixie hair with a hair elastic and a torn down version of her business outfit.

No one would even know what 'poofed' would mean in this fanfic, author, but the current atrocity is that you just had Pearl crush a gem. I don't care what universe she is in, what realty you have warped, what crossover you think you have concocted, how many AU's you've overlain onto her character, or how different this gem is supposed to be from her and its own sourced incarnation. No, author. Fucking no.

"You all...run to the attic! NOW!",Pearl commanded towards her great-nieces and the cat-dog. The three obeyed her command,despite the shock they all felt seeing Pearl once more fighting agains't a creature harming them. "Now...lets see if you can keep up with ME,beasts!",Pearl shouted towards the monsters,and began to fight them using the spear while the twins and Temmie ran to the attic.

When one of the beasts broke her spear,she began to use her kickboxing boots in gracious kicks...that hurt.

Which is odd, since actual contact kickboxing is done without shoes on, and the extra padding would hurt less. Did you only look up the close equivalent of boxing gloves and didn't notice they are used for aerobics practice, author?

Finally,after a long while of fighting trough the monsters,the group reached the attic.

"*cough,cough*...inhaling monster dust isn't the healthiest thing...",Pearl said with a tired voice before pushing a chair towards the door to block it.

There wouldn't be monster dust anywhere here, author, you confused cretin, you're already adding in poofing and this reality's monsters never worked off the same concepts as Undetale! How is singing even going to affect them in any sense outside of perhaps shattering them by hitting a high note?

"Grauntie Pearl,I confess I'm very glad,but also that I and Frisk knew you would come for our rescue. I mean,we both saw you fighting and tricking a dinosaur!",Chara spoke to Pearl with a more joyful and hopeful smile,before switching to a slightly more serious expression.

You suck-up liar, I wouldn't trust this author to give me a weather report without contradicting herself.

"But...why did you lie for us along a half of our summer?"

"...to protect you.",Pearl calmly answered,and the answer was a surprise for the twins. "I'm aware of how much this town's weirdness can't be called and used as a toy or a tool. And I didn't want to let you become a victim of it. ...My lies weren't enough.",

What are you doing to the dialogue and character motivation reveals, author? You are making an absolute mess of it, tying two pieces of string together that are too short to connect, when you have Chara just judge omnisciently that Pearl already knows, and Pearl now pretends to finally have revealed that she does, despite multitudes of ignored slips of her tongue in the past, even in this chapter!

Pearl continued,briefly interrupting her words to kick one of the bird-like creatures.

Did she happen to kick it back out the unmentioned window you never had it spontaneously appear from, too?

"Chara? I hope I found something that can...*breaths*...help you...",Frisk said,sounding tired as well,while handling to Chara a black light device.

Image

For fuck sake, author, you lazy schmuck, are you seriously just going to have these characters read the canon script to know what non-established tool they have to pull out of their ass when necessary, so you don't have to do any actual work to make your fanfic bridge the gaps you left in it?! I didn't need to be reminded that I hate this fanfic, I remembered that well enough already, thank you very much.

"A...black light? But how that can-",Chara began to ask,as she slided the black light into the mysterious book's pages,to find out...hidden messages.

Was the ellipses going to hold people in suspense at the chance that she found cum stains instead or something?

"...oh my god. Invisible ink messages! Maybe the weakness of the monsters with gems is located here!",Chara said,starting to flip towards the pages talking about the monsters.

'The monsters with gems are actually spirits that couldn't find peace in anything...but music. To put a end to a whole crowd of monsters,three people must gather together and sing a song to pacify them.'

Kind of a fitting choice of words at the possible intent behind it, author. This fanfic is about as much Undertale as Deltarune is. Actually, why and how did these weak invisible ink stains get written down like this? When did Garnet find two other people to sing together with? Fuck it, the author is probably going to butcher the whole thing by not having had Pearl and Garnet be separated before the dimension-banishing accident, that the author will likely make out to not be either one's fault too, this saccharine shit is already pissing me off by forcing me to wait for that predictions to turn out worse than anticipated.

"...Oh boy...",Chara and Pearl spoke together,already feeling a slight fear of stage ruling them.

"I think I got the right song for us.",Frisk spoke with a determined expression on her face to Chara and Pearl.

Whatever, just get on with it. Asriel should be half digested at this point, because why else would creatures of any kind eat something instead of killing it?

---

Chara,Frisk and Pearl climbed to the roof,each carrying a microphone. Frisk also took the karaoke machine,necessary for a non-empty song.

It is still fascinating how I occasionally learn a bit of a foreign language in reverse with these weird but clearly intentional turns of phrasing.

As the trio setted up everything,the group of monsters began to look towards them with confusion.

Because flying or climbing up at them would interrupt the plot, so they'll remain passive until that one attempted attack at the end of the song.

Frisk pressed the button and the instrumental of the song 'Orchestra' began to play.

Because any excuse for an author to inject their favorite song into whatever they write would be too good to pass up.

"Uhm...*ahem*,🎵Here I am...A young man...Come and get me if you can,up in my room,covered in...flames...🎵",Chara sang first,still not entirely conviced it would work.

I'm kind of disappointed the author didn't substitute the karaoke with Guitar Hero or something like that.

"🎵Meet me at...the cinema...You can take me in your car,I'll lie in the back and stare at the...planes.🎵",Frisk sang,trying to keep herself calm after noticing some of the monsters with gems were trying to climb the roof and stop she and the others from finishing the music.

Is that how it works? What even determines that? Why didn't you just put on a commercial jingle if finishing the song is the point?

"🎵...There's an orchestra in me......Playing endlessly...I even hear it now!...woah-woah-oh...🎵",Pearl began to sing,but still nothing harmful began to happen to the monsters with gems.

Why are they spirits, and why are they in gems? Are the gems made by the spirits, or the other way around?

"🎵They play in the devil's key!...An endless symphony!...I even hear it no-o-ow...And I listen to the music,beautiful music!...Yes I listen to the music,beau-ti-ful,music!🎵",the three Dreemurrs began to sing together,and finally,a sound wave went out,making the monsters with gems become lost.

What a coincidence, so am I!

Some of them even stopped acting violently and poofed into dust,leaving behind shards from their former gems. Soon,only one of them remained,and this one was taken care off by Frisk,who sang the chorus for it and made it end itself.

You read that right. Chara sang the song so badly that instead of finding rest, the creature simply killed itself.

"...it worked...it worked!",Chara said,at first surprised,then blooming with happiness.

"WOO!",the three Dreemurrs cheered up and pulled themselves towards a hug and laughed...even trough they were feeling discomfort upon seeing pieces and pieces of shards everywhere on the ground.

Why? What's discomforting about it?

~~

In the Crystal Shack's wrecked down living room...

"I'm sorry for being the reckless one for the...like...100th time.",Chara apologized with shame on her voice.

And it apparently took you a hundred instances to finally be sorry about it? Yeah, pull the other one.

"Its okay...at least we sang my personal favorite song together.",Frisk apologized Chara with a sweet,happy smile.

You are not even taking away the right motivations from the source material, author. Mabel wanted to sing with her family as the emphasis, not just to sing a specific song. The problem isn't that the characters you write are selfish, the canon was rife with that. It's that you are accidentally writing them to be selfish and as such pretending they are not.

"Listen to me,nieces.",Pearl spoke,and both of the Dreemurr twins turned their attention towards her. "This is far from being a ordinary town. And it would hurt deeply my heart seeing any of you hurt...so,please,be careful out there. And Chara,about this book...only use it to self-protection,never to create trouble."

Go looking for trouble, author. I know I shouldn't harp on the language barrier, but it is literally the line and therefore the meaning in the script that you had to absorb, in order to write your crude parody that now puts the blame on the kids here.

"I understand. You promise you won't try to hide anything about this town anymore?",Chara promised and asked to Pearl.

"I promise.",Pearl promised to Chara,as she crossed her fingers behind her back and Chara made the same. "Also...I think some cleaning should be made. Where is my young handyman?"

You mean your neglected family member that never gets acknowledged as such? I hate to say it, but he's likely alive because the author can't consider alternate consequences she didn't substitute herself.

"I'm-*COUGH COUGH*,right here!!",Asriel's voice said,and the three Dreemurrs looked backwards to find the goat boy covered in dust and coughing. "Being inside the belly of a monster is worse than being inside the one of Sugar Sucre!",

Which also makes this not only plagiarized, but boring and repetitive with the author's uninspired choices of replacement events.

Asriel continued,coughing alot after speaking,while the other three Dreemurrs hugged him,and shared a laugh.

"The secrets of that book are far from over...and maybe the ones from this town aren't over,either.",Chara began to think. "...someone has the full answer to this confusion. But...who?"

Have you looked in a mirror lately, or do I need to remind you about your own proclamations, you wet bag of hot air?

---

(Note: The song featured in this episode ["Orchestra"] wasn't made by me. It was made by the band The Servant.)

Points for the disclaimer, but it still confirms my suspicion that you do nothing but project aspects of your thoughts and desires onto the Mary Sue protagonists, author.

Well, this is still the same, uninspired mess of watching someone reenact Gravity Falls using dolls from a mixed toy box, like I vaguely remembered. And now I have 19-ish chapters to go through after this one. I have glanced at the fanfic on Wattpad, where the author has noted that it is undergoing a grammar revision. I will still be going off the original rip of the story I made, having collected the fanfic in its in entirety shortly after it being finished. Now, if I remember correctly, I had a tendency to guess the substitution plot and characters involved in the upcoming chapter, which in this case will be the bunker-contained, body horror producing shapeshifter episode, now titled by the author as 'Here We Are'. A shot in the dark is all I can give, what with as obnoxiously vague a title as that and the author's random as balls choices, so I'm just limiting my guess to that the Dreemurrs probably encounter either Jake the Dog from Adventure Time, or Beetlejuice.

YAT: 65
BTTP: 252
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ConcernedGamer
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Re: Inside Falls

Post by ConcernedGamer » Mon Oct 19, 2020 2:34 pm

By now I must have given at least three different takes on how bad I consider this fanfic a failure at what it is going for. I want you for a moment to consider the core of literature; the decisions of an author. A narrative can only be shaped by that, and the story depends on every single one of them to have motive and a connected payoff to them. When a writer makes a decision, it's because they desire an effect. When they make a decision based on prior initiatives, to deliver and carry a logical sequence of events, the execution will be more or less subconsciously accepted for its intent and impact. But enough about competence, let's move that lens onto this fanfic, shall we? What has the author made of decisions? None? No, there are decisions here - bad ones - but the root of each and every one of them marks them as even more abysmal. When Chara decides to read a spell aloud from her book, is that because the author wanted some conflict? Because she felt that this logically followed her characterization of the protagonist? No. I even have to be specific as to the direction of which this faulty and pointless substitution travels in. The canon had an event happen, and because of that, the author had to cobble together a similar one with similar effect. I can't even say that the author originated the thought of wanting to copy a scene she liked, because she relentlessly slaves through every step along the way with varied interest and investment. She could have been contracted to write this shit, that's how vacuous and soulless some of these scenes are pseudo-summarized. And so, we are left with a constant reminder that the entire fanfic is a farce. A feigned, imaginary fart of a journey that has a fake start and a fake ending, accomplishing nothing because the author is not developing anything of her own. Aside from her grammatical mistakes and dumbfounding choice of cast and their characterizations, of course. Let's get to those, shall we? Here's Chapter 22, Here We Are.

In the Lazuli house,a house that looked more like a cabin,

Maybe it's just a cabin that looks like a house. Either way, it looks like something it's not, and I feel like a metaphor for the entire fanfic is enclosed in that opening statement.

Chara and Lapis were watching a movie on television about a invasion of monsters of another dimension. Both of the girls began to poke a good bit of fun from the movie,after all,Chara explained to Lapis what happened while the latter was evacuating the crowd from the disaster of the party celebrating the re-opening of the Crystal Shack,and said watching a monster movie could lose its scary level if you fought real monsters.

Would you happen to be mocking the movie, when a character earlier showed brawn and ability to defeat the monsters, but then suddenly becomes a helpless damsel because otherwise the plot wouldn't go the way it was intended? Would you?!

"Ugh...probably another message of Jasper...",Lapis said in mild annoyance as she picked up her vibrating phone and checked it.

"Oh...Jasper...",Chara said in a mild discomfort. "How are the things between you two going?"

"I broke up with her,but she can't let go of me. Just look at that!",Lapis answered with a shard of rage,showing to Chara her phone,which contained a message from Jasper: ';('. "That winky frown is so weird!"

Now you are not even changing the joke, you are just copying it in while demonstrating you don't get what the punchline was, author. Couldn't you at least have made it a buff emoticon or something, to make a remarkable effort of reflecting the traits of your chosen characters?

"...I hope you got something like...better friends...",Chara said in a more chill tone of voice.

"Of course I did. Meet Pumpkin.",Lapis answered with a smile as she pulled a plush shaped like a pumpkin with a smiling jack-o-lantern face and four little legs.

Stop pointlessly stealing characters, author. Every feigned appreciation of their inclusion rings hollow by their misuse.

"Hi,pumpkin!",Chara waved towards the pumpkin doll and laughed alongside Lapis. However,Chara's laugh began to grow more and more awkwrd and her face got very slightly red. "Lapis...I wanted to ask you. You are so amazing and I look towards you like a...uhm...you want to go with me and Frisk on a mystery and conspiracy adventure?"

Delivery is everything, author, and equally so are the words you are meant to describe it with. You are giving nothing to indicate Chara's - by you and your canon-stealing logic - implied internal conflict. She just sounds like she forgot what she wanted to say halfway through it.

"Of course! Hanging out with you and your sister is something amazing.",Lapis answered with a friendly smile,before turning her attention towards the television.

"...Should I tell her how much I look up to her like a older sister?...or she'll just...ugh,those thoughts...",Chara thought as she laid down on the bed and sighed. ...and squeaked in the moment she noticed she was laying right over Lapis' old outfit.

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From the depths of my faded memory came a resounding echo of a shrug of indifference, as the author finally put it in writing what the actual fucking intent with the past exchanges between these two is, and it bothers me to no end that I wasted time pondering it, believing the author could actually do something with it. Up until now, the author's incompetence had the ever indecipherable narrative make this conflict bordering on being ambiguous, where it could have been either one because of how overtly close to the canon conflict the author wanted to sell this issues. But this is it?! The dilemma the author truly wants us to believe, is that Chara can't bring herself to merely utter the fact that she admires Lapis and sees her as a sister figure? How difficult is that?! I won't pretend to understand a gender I'm not, but to pass this off to have the same weight, impact, or even importance as a restrained confession of puppy love is a joke to me that isn't funny at all. The author is writing bland shit that literally infuriates me for how boring it is with what it could have been. It goes on the BTTP list all the same, now and always, but with this clear announcement that all Chara's hang-up on this is that she likes Lapis like a sister, it is beneath paying attention to.

---

Later...

While the Crystal Shack was being fixed up from the many damages the monsters with gems on their bodies caused,Chara decided to take Frisk and Asriel to a place that she could call the beginning of her real engagement into the supernatural of the Inside Falls town:

You mean the first time she encountered a monster?

the tree where she found the mysterious book with the two colorful gemstones and the number three on the cover.

No, I'm fairly certain she must have said hi to Asriel before that.

"So...you convoked us to solve another mystery?",Frisk kindly asked to her older twin sister with a smile.

Dearly beloved, we are convoked here today in mourning for the author's English dictionary, which she frankly is over-exploiting for all it's worth in the face of common word usage.

"Mysteries! WOO-HOO!",Asriel happily cheered,picking a stick and pointing on the air. "...I did a good impression on a person excited to solve mysteries! Right?"

Impression, now there's a good word for what you are failing to do with this fanfic, author.

"Well...to answer,both of your questions,yes.",Chara answered with a brief light expression before switching to her more serious one. "To answer Frisk's question with more detail,we are here to solve the biggest mystery in the entire Inside Falls town: the author of the books.

I get a feeling even you are tired of the throng of words you use to designate what book is being talked about all the time, author. And yet for the life of me I couldn't imagine you wouldn't know how to substitute a common noun with them.

Since thirty years the author poofed like a ghost watching the sunrise,

Yeah, I remember when Casper the Friendly Ghost just looked at the sunrise and like any self-respecting, restless dead just up and did the thing gem-monsters do - Stop saying nonsense!!

but thanks to the blacklight,I got a clue from their hiding place. All we need to do is find them and the answer to all our questions will be answered."

"Look at the big wave incoming!",Lapis voice ringed out,as she came towards the trio of young Dreemurrs riding a bike.

Water-puns, yeah, Lapis sure had a lot of those, right? Corporate companies attempting to act relatable to teen demographics couldn't be as cringe as you are right now, author.

"Greetings,Lapis!",Frisk waved with a friendly smile.

"You really came! That is...good.",Chara said,also waving to Lapis with a more shy smile.

"Thanks for inviting me. I really wanted to go on one of those adventures of yours.",Lapis said with a chilly smile to Chara.

Is Lapis hostile to Chara right now or have I always had it wrong in thinking 'cool' meant something else than 'cold' in this kind of context, author?

"Chara...",Frisk whispered in Chara's ear,slightly surprising her. "Are you sure Lapis can handle the kind of adventure we go trough? She is fast and can grab up on trees but...she can fight? I don't want her death stamped on my he-"

"Uhm,Frisk...",Chara interrupted Frisk,feeling slightly uncomfortable with Frisk's fear. "I'm sure she will be able to handle herself in our quest to find the author of the boks."

Well, aren't you a busy bunch of dead-air filling numbskulls, substituting Dipper and Mabel's dialogue jabbing at his crush on Wendy, with reasonless and highly self-serving considerations for the preservation of a person older and more capable than you dumb kids. Lapis is even supposed to embody the entirety of Wendy's qualities by virtue of the author's narrative choice, you unsubtle horn-tooters.

"Guys?",Lapis called out to the rest of the group as she noticed something curious on the top of the tree. "That thing next to the branch looks like some sort of button. Let me go over there.",Lapis continued,as she began to lengthen her belt and use it to climb up the tree.

When she reached the button,which was colored in a solid magenta color,she gave a strong punch over it to press it,impressing the three young Dreemurrs.

Anyone still reading this far would know what color would be on the spectrum of Garnet - you know, before you turned her into a human, author - but do you have to sacrifice general logic and paint that color on a supposedly secret button for a secret bunker out in the woods, when even simple animals would look at that and think it a fruit or a bug to eat and peck at?

"My father occasionally made me compete on those boxing games when I was around 7. I guess you guys can tell I won most of them.",Lapis said to her companions with a proud smile.

You're stretching it already, author, so you'd likely get a hernia from explaining the half of your substituted explanation bullshit you forgot, because how many boxers do you see climbing trees with their belts?

However,the tree began to shake itself and sink down,forcing the three young Dreemurrs to save her.

Not because they wanted to by choice, mind you, the tree forced them to.

The group kept watching the tree sink down and,eventually,it finally reached the bottom,making a staircase appear and a door inside the tree to open with a low mechanical noise.

"Do you guys promise to keep this adventure our secret?",Chara asked to the group as she picked up the lamp.

Do you want that in pinky-promises, or the actual pinkies you probably would otherwise tear off from them in your fit of rage if they said no?

As a answer,Frisk nodded her head,Asriel lifted up his ears with a cheerful smile,and Lapis made a wave motion with her hand over her mouth.

You literally have nothing else but waves in this half of the fanfic to keep deluding yourself into thinking you've concocted a proper 'Lapis' stand-in, do you, author? You couldn't even have her be a sailor's daughter in this ocean-set town to let her have experience climbing a mast on her own. Pardon my own pun here, but I can't even call your work shallow when every thought and decision you've had on this fanfic is surface level.

"Alright...lets go.",Chara spoke with a determined tone of voice,guiding the group trough the staircase covered in spider cobweb and the entrance of the door.

~~

The inside of the door was a large room with green walls filled with survival items,a bed,a gas mask,and a door to the next room labeled 'WEAPONRY'.

"Woah...",the whole group spoke together with surprise on their voices.

"Its a apocalypse shelter of sorts...interesing.",Chara spoke as she walked around the room illuminating what she could with her lamp.

"I'll use that to decorate my room.",Lapis said while taking off a poster off the wall and cleaning it up from its dust.

A few questions: What's on the poster that's not a metal sign, who fucking cares, and does the author just leave these dead-end decisions in the script to prove the point that she gives up on her scene rip-off substitution choices on occasion?

"Why there is caterpillars here?...nothing agains't them because...they should be free.",Frisk commented,while looking down on a barrel infested with caterpillars of gray color.

Fuck off, you pretentiously over-caring numbskull. You are a virtue-signaler farting out a good bulk of my BTTP list no doubt, just because the author obsessively needs to make you a golden child in any instance Mabel wasn't. It's an abandoned bunker, and caterpillars is a stage that has a life-span of twenty days, but I wouldn't trust you to do the math. They aren't caterpillars and they live here, dumbass.

"This is incredible...the author was stocking up and preparing for a disaster.",Chara said,as she looked at a table with numbered years,the highest year being 2070. "But what kind of disaster would take this long while?"

Kid, you could be in 2050 right now for all I know with the games in your closed down arcades.

"Woah...some kind of old sweetie!",Asriel said as he picked up a cartoonish-looking container of candy. However,when he opened it,there was a whole deal of dust inside,which created enough discomfort to make him abandon the idea of eating it.

And thus the triple-tier joke the author attempted to copy-paste into this mess was neutered and abandoned, making it pointless that she included it, and wasted yet another breath I could have otherwise used to enrich my life with. Why are you like this, author?

"Uh?...there's five bean can that look like they were opened recently...",Chara said,crouching down to look at five bean can's that were still dripping some of their remaining content.

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Five? You did another multi-substitute, author? Was Bill not enough to prove to you that juggling that many entities with stolen dialogue and events doesn't work? Oh, darn, I forgot, you actually might be under the impression that this fanfic is pulling off whatever the hell it's trying to do.

"That means the author is alive?...and that they love to eat?",Asriel asked,as he also crouched to look at the bean can's.

Meanwhile,Lapis found out a hatch cover thanks to a old map from the town of Inside Falls in 1982 and whistled to the rest of the group to follow her. Everyone crawled trough a tunnel and reached a room that looked like something coming from a adventure and treasure-hunting movie: it was entirely composed of cubes of metal stamped with weird symbols.

What movie did you watch? Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Misgendered Bathroom Sign?

"Is this a place from the future or from the past?",Lapis asked,as she looked trough the cubes and their weird symbols.

"It must be a mix from the both!...like,very advanced searches!",Asriel tried to answer Lapis' question in the best way he could.

If you two have to speak nonsense, can you at least promise me you won't pass the blunt you are sharing to the kids?

"It won't open a trap like one of those treasure-hunting movies when one of us step on a suspicious thing,r-?",Frisk began to say in a slightly scared voice,before accidentaly stepping on one of the metal cubes with stamped symbols. As soon as stepped on the cube,the hatch quickly sealed itself.

"AAAAAAAAH!!",the whole group yelled as they tried to use the best of their raw strenght to stop the walls of smashing them for no luck. Chara hastily looked upon the mysterious book to find out trough the invisible ink a combination of buttons the group used to stop the walls from smashing them.

I appreciate the speed, but you condense the scene fresh off of having watched the show, so much so that you take your own writing for granted, author. You couldn't even establish the actual threat in the room properly before Chara reads invisible ink without a mentioned black light. You couldn't even mention that the actual combination opened a door instead of stopping the enclosing walls.

"Run before we become toast!",Frisk screamed,as the group ran towards the door that formed on one of the cubic room's corner. Even trough the group survived,Chara's hoodie briefly got stucked up and had to be taken back by Frisk. "...well,that was certainly something.",Frisk awkwardly said,and the rest of the group agreed.

It's what in my business is called a paragraph.

"That looks like...some kind of closet.",Lapis said in a slightly careful voice,pointing out to a closet door whose knob was a wheel.

Because that's the features you determine that it's a closet by, of course. It's not like Wendy first opened it and saw that it was empty and about as deep as one. I marvel at how often you take shortcuts that leave everyone semi-omniscient about their stolen script, just because you have no thought left to spare to what you write, author.

"I have a feeling something is on the other side...",Chara said in a curious tone,as she ran to the valve and tried to open it. However,it didn't work well,since she was the second shortest of the group,so Lapis had to open it for her. "O-oh...thanks,Lapis."

And now you are just straight up literarily bankrupt and have your Mary Sues march along a dotted line made by you to guide them to the plot, you uninspired hack.

"Anytime.",Lapis replied to Chara with a determined,solid face. Both she and Chara were the first ones to step inside the closet,finding themselves inside a extremely dark room made of metal...and as soon as the two stepped inside,a shapeless goo of white color pushed the door and closed it.

You know, aside from the very inappropriate substance no one noticed, what is the survival instincts of these cretins? They just came from a metal chamber that attempted to crush them before leading them to this place, and now they find a smaller metal chamber that they magically know lead somewhere, and the first decision is to jump inside?

"AAAH!! Sister! Lapis!",Frisk screamed in panic and tried to pull the valve herself,but she was having even a badder luck than Chara,because she was the most short of the group. "I can't reach the knob!",Frisk said to Lapis and Chara,who were also fighting the sealed door from the other side.

Did you brats factor in a pocket step-ladder, when you idiotically doubted Lapis' abilities to be alongside your glorified asses on this journey?

"Gah! That white slime sealed us!!",Chara angrily remarked as she futilely tried to use her elbow down on the door.

I can't even tell what half of your attempts are trying to do. I don't think the goo has all the blame quite yet, since your sister can't think to use anything to stand on, like your doormat cousin for instance.

"Wait,I have enough height to reach there!",Asriel exclaimed as he tried to pull the valve himself,and indeed,he had the minimum height necessary for his hands to reach the knob...but not enough grip strenght to pull it. "Aaaaah!...too...strong...",Asriel said,trying to strenght his grip on the rusty metal.

Well, that's a rather contrived way of repeating the split of the group to follow the canon. I don't know what's up with the sentient cum stain, but if it's going to play part of the Shapeshifter with similar goals, why wouldn't it just physically ambush and attack them, or even escape? And is it just going to stick there and block the door until it disappears when the author gets the all-clear from the canon?

"Ugh,isn't there any light to help our vision?",Lapis asked,and looked upwards to see she began to make out in the darkness a yellow cord and decided to it.

For the surprise of both Lapis and Chara,the two were showered by rapid drops of water and dried with a hot blast of air that twisted Chara's buttercup hat around her hat and dropped down Lapis' baseball hat hair.

Was there supposed to be half as many hats in that sentence, or was that just the author's unrepressed ticks?

A blue light shined from a sign reading 'VERMINS AND BACTERIA TERMINATED'

Wow, I can't believe Chara is finally dead.

and a door opened to another dark green room with capsules that looked...wrecked.

---

Every step of this road the author takes sheds all the 'what-ifs' that could have been explored. Different character dynamics, having someone being switched around to face different dangers, or even something as menial as saying a different line and have it change shit. Now Frisk and Asriel are just going to do fuck all while being well aware that something dangerous is afoot, the goo will do nothing more and be lucky it will ever be mentioned again, and everyone will only be effective when the canon cast was. What's the point?

"A...laboratory...with VHS tapes? The author must have done something here.",Chara spoke with a intrigued voice as she looked around and saw the capsules...including five ones containing holes of four different sizes.

Oh no. I guess I should have considered it, but I honestly had either lost the expectation, or willfully repressed the consideration that there was more from Undertale for the author to tarnish. The goo was a bit of a clue, but VHS tapes in a lab has triangulated the substitution choice now. The Amalgamates, entities introduced between the Neutral Route and Pacifist Route that are monsters resurrected through experimentations that transformed them as an unexpected consequence. It's not exactly a bad choice on the author's part, for once, but I'm already expecting the author to fuck this up, considering track records and how the rest of this chapter is expected to play out.

"I'm pretty sure no human could make a hole like this.",Lapis said carefully,pointing out at some holes with bizzare,in-human shapes.

"I'm pretty sure no cow could make a hole like this." The idiot said for no reason, pointing at natural cave openings that were distinctly not cow-shaped.

Just as Lapis pointed out the holes in the walls,a bee noise mixed with beeping approached...slowly and slowly. And it was multiplied. It was a pretty large swarm of monsters,and as soon as Lapis and Chara realized it,they screamed and went back to the closet door to desperately call for help.

Because they probably thought that Frisk and Asriel had simply begun doing nothing ever since they got locked in here against their will by an unknown entity. Everyone already knows you are in trouble, including yourselves, you dumbasses.

"Open the door,sis and cousin! There's a SWARM of beasts incoming!!",Chara screamed,as she and Lapis banged the door with their fists hoping for the answer the fastest they could.

"We are trying and we swear! B-but this door knob...ugh!",Frisk said from the other side of the door,and the answer was a big misfortune for both Lapis and Chara.

"Sorry, sis, but the idea of using leverage by wedging something in the wheel can't even enter our heads, nor the author's until we are done pretending there is no way every step of this process could be altered in any way, by having us doing anything at all instead of the same useless thing over and over."

The two girls tried to hide in the holes,but the swarm of slightly small but scary beings detected them fast because of their scent. Eventually,Lapis and Chara were cornered and hugged themselves in fear,afraid of a incoming death...but for their surprise,a shadow of a woman bravely began to fight the swarm of monsters and smash them like they were flies.

I hate to break it to you, author, but for all you've managed to describe, they probably are flies.

Their unexpected savior stepped forwards Lapis and Chara's view and revealed theirself...it was a woman with a dull and short redhead hair,a brown scientist-like outfit and goggles that oculted her eyes.

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Major Dr. Ghastly? Nah, probably just a coincidence, at least until a purple bear with a brain and stomach in vats appears. Also, author, since you are still digging that deep in your thesaurus, how about you spelled occulted correctly?

She was cleaning some dust from the shoulder she used in the attack agains't the monster swarm.

Ah yes, shoulders, the deadliest of weapons.

"Y-you are...a woman?",Chara first said in a surprised voice. The book was never clear of the author's gender,and neither the silhouette gave it alway that easily,

You know, from when the author just outright said it was a woman coming to their rescue. Amateur hour, twenty-four seven.

so,discovering they were a girl was already a shock.

"Follow me,before that swarm comes back.",

Smashing something like flies means they come back again? Author, you actually have to make an effort here. Mention things, describe events, allude to the fact that something was scared away, and that not everyone in your entire narrative are drooling loons who couldn't tell up from down or count to zero!

the woman spoke,and both Lapis and Chara decided to follow her. "I'm actually very glad of not being so lonely anymore...after...probably a good deal of years."

"I-i-i I mean...we came here because of you! The author of the books!",Chara said,with the glee and enthusiasm of finally finding the author taking over her voice.

"She is the author?!",Lapis asked for Chara with a shocked voice; for Lapis,the redheaded woman surely looked like a scientist,but a researcher vibe was slightly lacking over her appearence.

Do I even have to point out any of the BTTP mentions at this point? It's blatant as all hell whenever the author can't have a single one of her characters be any more than just the right amount of slightly disenfranchised by the circumstances surrounding them to still let events unfold undisturbed by their precognitive hindsight!!

"Indeed I am.",the woman answered with a smile,for the pleasant surprise of Chara. "And that was a experiment of mine known as Memoryhead,being capable of connecting with electronic devices and multiplying itself.

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Memoryhead? What? Look, I know, the author's language barrier and perhaps a lack of a care for any details, mostly seeing as the author took as long to write the scenes as they play out in real time, is all making this pseudo-crossover a mess to read. But when my first assumption for a descriptionless swarm of hostiles are Reaperbird's attack-companion Everyman;

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You should know that you've fucked up somewhere in even the basic aspects of your craft, author. The Amalgamates are body-horrors made from already dubiously composed monster bodies melted together to produce something, which on first consideration would be thought of as shapeshifters, but they really aren't. They are closer to formless eldritch horrors, of which you would need a decidedly uncaring imagination to not even attempt to describe even partially. Memoryhead is a mass of faces and eyes, jabbering mouthes that produce coherent words but meaningless sentences, defying senses and coherence as their visual appearance warps rather than moves. A little creativity is all such a description takes. And all you did was have someone exposit a couple of their traits after the fact, because nothing was shown and nothing was described to occur, as you couldn't remove a single care off the railroading canon framing device. There are prison camps with lighter shackles than the ones you impose on your own imagination.

They are one of the Amalgamates,one of my experiment categories. All of them escaped on their own and I've been searching for them for a long while...you'll help me catching them?",

"So basically I've been stuck down here for years and I haven't been able to find them, and now that I came across one and beat it like it was nothing on Easy Mode, your help is all I need. That's not suspicious, right?"

the woman continued,and lifted her goggles to reveal a pair of brown eyes that felt trusteable. She recieved as a answer a gleeful gasp and head nod from Chara .

It's a wonder any people can ever deceive someone else since trustable-looking eyeballs are so rare to have in stock, am I right? I guess the author had to once again stack the deck against her character's infinite insight.

~~

Frisk and Asriel finally opened the closet door after a tough struggle with the valve and a little struggle with the door itself,who got rusty because of the years.

Lapis, of course, never had any trouble opening the door. You know what, I'm adding the Lapis issues as a bonus +1 modifier on the BTTP for this chapter. The author was so scared of not repurposing every frame of dialogue, that in order to write anything at all, she added in a self-serving piece of doubt on Lapis' abilities served by Frisk and Chara, which should be a blatantly obvious load of crap to themselves, even well before the author herself conveniently have the fact that they are kids be the crux to halt the plot when convenient. They even have Asriel tag along with no doubts cast in his direction! Wait a moment, so the white jam wasn't even what was keeping the door shut? Man, why do I even give this trash the benefit of the doubt anymore?

"Whew,golly! My hands feel like fire now!",Asriel said,tired and constantly gasping for air. As he and Frisk recovered their breaths,both of them began to hear a song similar to a dog...a very creepy dog. Followed by more weird noises.

Author, I don't know whether you are being an idiot or if you are just desperate to invoke nostalgia from any sliver of Undertale content you can slip in, logic be damned. Is a song similar to a dummy playing in your head by the way?

"W-what is that?",Frisk asked with slight fear,and Asriel's answer was a confused face. The two ran to a dashboard that showcased security cameras that were scattered on the underground area,and Frisk managed to spot on some of the cameras a group of four shadow-y creatures.

Of course it makes sense to go to these dashboards after entering the containment area that they are meant to allow you to survey, instead of the observational area that they just left through the door. This fanfic's practically intended prerequisite, of knowing the source material, is its own fucking kryptonite!

"*gasp* FUSIONS!",Asriel screamed with horror on his voice. "Chara and Lapis are on a area full of FUSIONS!"

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So, you found a way of wedging that word into your mess of a fanfic, did you, author? This is a fucking stretch and an insult if there ever was one. Let's ignore how the fuck Asriel is even supposed to be able to tell, since the Amalgamates are barely even recognizable as is and Asriel can't have seen their individual components because they are monsters, and that dead horse can't be revived three times over so I'll ignore that one, too! Like everything else thrown in here, this is confusing, incoherent, and pointless, due to the source and in how and why it has been applied. A fusion is a merging of separate elements into a union, while an amalgam is a combination of still separate elements. Chocolate milk vs. oil and water, if you will. To maybe use a better analogy from the source material the author stole this from; fusion and forced fusion. One is a combination that results in a new entity comprised by its parts to be something else onto itself, while the other is the result of hot-gluing something together and calling it a day - and the more I dig through this trail of thoughts, the more analogous to this fanfic it becomes. Let's set that aside, and then look at how it is treated in this fanfic by its execution. The Amalgams were passive monsters who suffered an accidental consequence of resurrection, but were never malicious, instead arguably confused by their condition, and acted hardly any more aggressive than other monsters in Undertale. They are also only shapeshifters in the same sense that a switchblade is a Swizz Army knife. They can transform, but if they had genuine control over it, there would be no issue with their condition. Undertale-part out of the way, and the score is in the negatives already. Steven Universe treats the word and concepts of 'fusion' with meaning and gravitas. A forced fusion is an abomination for what has been forced upon the unwilling remains of forcibly joined shattered consciences, which - if allowing this author the only straw she could grasp by this substitution choice - is what these would be. And this lab belongs to Garnet. These would be her experiments. Much like my response to Pearl crushing a gem underneath her heel, this is the grounds for a thesis on how to get completely backwards what should be emergent principles and core traits of a character, for them to be in any way recognizable when removing them from their fictional original environment. Oh, but these could probably be victims she was caring for, you could add, giving the author the benefit of the doubt if she later added that fact for Garnet to explain once she enters the story, right? From this moment onward, the word 'fusion' doesn't occur in this fanfic ever again!!!

"Come on,let's go! We must help them!",Frisk spoke to Asriel as she got up,grabbed Asriel's left paw and ran the fastest she could towards the open closet.

~~

The full post exceeds the maximum number of characters, so I'll split it here.
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ConcernedGamer
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Re: Inside Falls

Post by ConcernedGamer » Mon Oct 19, 2020 2:36 pm

Resuming Chapter 22.

"Those parts of the laboratory of the bunker are wrecked down because of the lack of visitors I've been used to.",the woman explained to Lapis and Chara,still guiding them trough the wrecked laboratory.

"So it's not decrepit here because of the creatures, it's all in decay because I just can't be bothered, you see."

"For now,that specific amalgamate must have a weakness...unfortunately,I forgot it. My research faded away a long time ago,and I don't know where it is..."

"Research? You mean...the book Chara is carrying?",Lapis asked to the woman while inspecting a blue machine of 'H20'.

H. 2. Zero?! Wendy was checking out a water pipe, author, which foreshadowed the measure they used against the shapeshifter. Should I pray for my sanity now, since it turns out the moron who wrote this stinker couldn't connect the dots about the most commonly known chemical formula on Earth?!

"She meant this one.",Chara explained with a friendly smile before pulling out of her hoodie's pocket the mysterious book.

"Oh my god,finally!",the woman cried victoriously before snatching Chara's book in a slightly rude way. "Thank you,young lady...I'm glad you have one of the things I've been searching for...for a long,long time..."

You know, author, if you were trying to write the dialogue to be ominous or something, since you didn't put in more obnoxious modifiers merely announcing it to be so, maybe you should consider that no one could tell with your ellipses quota averaging out to ninety per chapter.

"Chara?! Lapis?!",Asriel tried to call out for his cousin and co-worker,but they didn't hear him. "This place is too dark to see them..."

They happened to not be right next to him, because we switched to a different scene and the author just sort of assumed you knew.

"I got a slightly dangerous but nice solution.",Frisk spoke with a determined smile before poking the cartoonish golden heart on her jumper,which turned out to be a flashlight.

"Woah...amazing! And slightly dangerous!",Asriel said with little stars on his eyes.

"Alright,I'll lead the way and you'll try to see them,okay?",Frisk said to Asriel,who made a approving thumb up before grabbing Frisk's right hand.

Hey, wait, aren't you going to repeat a third time how dangerous your knock-off wearable is to fully bury the stolen and diluted joke?

"We are going to find you both!",Asriel exclaimed to the dark as Frisk began to run towards it,pulling him along.

"Finally...finally...",the woman quietly said with increasing glee as she flipped trough the book's page in a slightly inhuman speed.

Prove to me you even know how to open a book, author, then I'll start trusting your judgement.

"We meet the real author,Lapis. Isn't that amazing? Its too good to be true.",Chara whisper-screamed to Lapis with a cheerful voice.

Just when I thought I couldn't like her less, this walking boil makes it her purpose to whisper-yell.

"Unfortunately I think you are right...look at what I found.",Lapis whispered back to Chara while showing one of the used bean cans and a detail neither of them noticed at first glance: the mascot of the brand had the perfectly same facial traces of the 'author' of the books,just a different outfit.

And with the different outfit, that means this shapeshifter has the ability and motive to go even further off script and not copy the give-away can's label at all, but hey, artificial plot convenience suits the author just fine when she breaks her own borrowed molds.

"...Miss? We will go back to the surface and take the book back,is that fine for you?",Chara quickly said to the woman,with a straight smile that was contrasting the sweating on her forehead and the deep panic on her brain.

"No.",the woman quietly replied with a deeper tone of voice before turning her head all the way around with a 'CRACK!' noise.

"You are staying for tea and biscuits!!!"

Chara and Lapis screamed with horror and shock on their voices as the woman began to crawl to the wall and deform herself until she became her actual form: a black-and-white melted being with menacing eyes and large jaws for a mouth.

"Do you think I am pretty?",the bizzare being that Chara formely thought to be the author of the books asked in a low growl,grasping hard on the mysterious book with her right hand.

Image

Lemonbread, in case you couldn't tell with that stellar description. It's composed of features from three differently distinct creatures, but borrowing more descriptors to detail it any better than soggy licorice sorbet is apparently beyond the author. It's just another sock puppet for the author to spout familiar lines of dialogue through whenever it can divert momentarily off script, so I guess I should merely accept it as such. Wouldn't it have been better to quote the line "Welcome to my special hell." author?

"What happened to the real author?! What you did to her?!",Chara snapped towards the monster furiously.

"I believe you shall never know. That fool lunatic for rubies and sapphires wasn't being herself in thirty years...

I just can't wait for that forced sentence to make absolutely no sense later, unless Garnet turns out to be a birthstone-selling hippie.

so,I must thank you for bringing the book to me. A new world of possibilties was open to me now...",the amalgamated monster spoke as she flipped trough the book's pages and began to take the form of any monster she could spot in the old pages.

Which must have been none, going by the rate of examples presented to me.

"Hey amalgamation! Your teeth ain't looking so good as you want them to be!",Lapis suddenly shouted agains't the monster,making her gasp in shock and slowly slip her grasp from the mysterious book. However,grasping it was a suicide possibility because the amalgamation transformed herself into a caterpillar monster who chased Lapis and Chara down the tunnels.

What the hell just happened? They reclaimed the book, I think, but did so by insulting the monster into a stupor for its looks - I guess because the author extrapolated the quoted line about it being pretty as being a crucial vanity of sorts - are you fucking kidding me? Chara might as well have gone full Looney Tunes, tapped it on an opposing shoulder, snatched the book, and run away while it acted confused!

After three minutes of a heated chase,Chara tricked off the monster into mistaking she and Lapis took a foolish path into a dead-end and went another way,finally re-meeting Frisk and Asriel.

If it went down a dead-end, it's going to come right back because it will figure out you didn't go in that direction, you brainlet!

"Wait...you're one of the amalgamates? Or at least one of the hostile ones?",Chara asked,growing slightly suspicious of her apparently innocent cousin and little twin sister.

Why did the author even feel the need for you to burp out the trivia about there being non-hostiles ones, which you somehow omnisciently know now?

"We meet one of them and they were hostile at first...but we befriended them!",Asriel explained as he pointed at a large saliva mark on his little fur bangs and another one on Frisk's hair,the latter awkwardly laughing. ...Alright,the two were really Asriel and Frisk themselves.

You don't even know how to recognize your own characters from fake ones, do you, author? Have Frisk apologize profusely for not being able to prove she is who she is, and have Asriel bawl over it, it's that damn easy. All they gave were reasons for why they would be shapeshifters while pointing out their own battle damage!

"L-lapis...Chara...what happened? We were both sickly worried about you two...",Frisk asked in a soft,worried tone of voice as she noticed some little but recent scratches on Chara's hoodie and,more worringly,a large,bleeding cut over Lapis' left knee.

"We were attacked by a 'amalgamate' that was pretending to be the author so she could take up Chara's book.",Lapis calmly explained to Frisk,before ripping a part of her long dark blue skirt to use as a improvised band-aid,showing a little part of the blue jeans she wore beneath it.

I'm going to assume you mean to tell me Lapis is wearing jorts just to save myself the headache, author. You are more than a handful for anyone's logic to bother even reading this far.

"We must stop her...before she uses the book for malevolent purposes.",Chara added with a serious face,before gaining a slight worry on it. "But...how we do it?"

"She tried to kill us...or at least,take us as our prisioner.

Yeah, I guess that must be how it works for you, author.

We will retribute agains't her reception.",Lapis spoke with determination flowing on her voice.

You sound like a hotel guest demanding a refund, for crying out loud.

---

Chara and Frisk went into the tunnel the former used to trick the shapeshifting amalgamate,finding her thanks to the latter calling out for Chara,with the intent of cutting her like cheese.

As Frisk should very well be inclined from being the latter to oppose the former of the two in that sentence, but where does that leave the amalgamate?

When the amalgamate spotted the two scared,but yet determined twins,a mix of anger and joy filled her.

"There is more humans than what I expected...",the amalgamation remarked,before shapeshifting into a insanely grinning Frisk in a blink.

So, Chara, you mean? I think you keep forgetting this 'twin sisters' business you've set up yourself, author.

"One child?...",she asked to herself,and then shapeshifted into a cocky-looking Chara.

Again, I'm not sure where the difference is supposed to be, author.

"Other child?...No. Both.",she finally decided,as she transformed into a unholy mass of goo with Frisk's and Chara's torsos fixed on the top of it,showcasing a sad-expressed Frisk and a maniacally laughing Chara,both with purely black mouths and eyes.

This is less body horror and more like a family photo opportunity, since the author just keeps hurling the archetype emotional states of these two at me, and thinking that lazily describing the coloration of sprite art from Undertale counts as horror.

Chara grabbed the book and both she and Frisk ran to save their lives from their unholy amalgamated combination before finding Asriel and Lapis inspecting the H20 machine.

Even if you somehow, somewhere deep in your muddled English skills mean to say H-2-letter-O, author, what the fuck is a water machine? I know I myself have said I shouldn't harp on this, to be considerate and give the benefit of the doubt, but I have started to fear developing schizophrenia from having a voice in my head go 'oh, she probably meant so and so' for every other sentence, in every chapter, enduring by now almost 22 of them, and awaiting 18 more!!

Chara would almost be captured by a sticky spike summoned by the amalgamate if Lapis didn't get on her way to protect her. Frisk and Asriel pulled the valve together before Lapis could give a punch on the amalgamate creature and soon the whole room was flooded by the water until Lapis pushed a rock that subsided the water.

Recall the canon, contrast, compare, realize the author is either incompetent, pulling your leg, or off her fucking gourd, pray you don't see this kind of slap-dash scene summary again, move on, and fuck you, because that's the options the author has left us with.

Everyone,except Lapis,coughed deeply from their throats as they recovered breath and consciousness,but Chara soon stopped doing both

Don't I wish.

as she realized something that leaved her horrified...

"LAPIS!!",Chara screamed,and ran as her scream echoed trough the walls just to meet up with a badly injured,and unconscious Lapis.

Man, pushing that rock to prevent the room that they are in from flooding really took it out of her, right? No, seriously, wasn't that where, how and what just happened?

"Lapis,no you can't be dead! Please,ANSWER ME!!",

Dude, chill, the author described her as unconscious, and we know every necessary bit of the canon better than she does. Expecting tension at this point is in itself the subversion one would have hoped the author would indulge in.

Chara said,her sobs filling her voice as she desperately shaked her friend,but no answer came. "L-lapis...why didn't I tell you how amazing you are...how I wish you were my older sister...now you're dead and its all my fault...",Chara spoke to her fallen friend as tears covered her eyes...

Oh, wow, such an emotional and heartfelt statement with about the same impact as a casual conversation. What emotionally stunted state of living do you suffer, author, that you consider this something with as much impact and relevance as a love confession? Telling a friend you see them as a role model is just about the least challenging thing to do, and any friend worth a fuck would be thrilled to learn it, no strings attached. Your frayed view on friendship literally offends me, because you present it as insufferably, self-servingly, and unnecessarily complex. What the hell is your problem?

"Chara? Uh,nothing happened to me.",Lapis voice ringed out right from behind Chara,to her immense shock. When Chara turned around to look,she saw a still scratched,but perfectly conscious Lapis.

"L-LAPIS!!",Chara happily cheered,glad that Lapis wasn't really dead. But then,a horrible realization came to her head when she realized who was the other,apparently dead Lapis...

Gee, I wonder who that could be, I mean it's such a mystery to deduct, isn't it? It's not like you just fought a shapeshifting creature or anything, nope. You know what, it's probably just a crossdressing Gaster who hung himself with the rope you were supposed to suspend my disbelief with, and in an auto-erotic accident hit his head against twenty hydrogen pipes while stumbling down a dead-end path - I'm going fucking insane by your pretentiously backward 'but who was phone man car door hook hand' shitpost levels of pointlessly presented logical structures, you clueless hack!!

The 'dead' Lapis got up and agressively tackled the conscious Lapis,and soon,a raw brawl began to decide which one of them would have the book.

A raw brawl sounds a bit more than PG-13, if you catch my drift.

But soon,Chara began to grow confused,because as the two Lapis' screamed agains't each other for the book...they had the same exact voice. Soon,Chara couldn't even make out who was the real Lapis and who was the amalgamate...but she had to find a way to put a end to this brawl in a way the real one could survive.

Because clearly the stalemate of fighting herself is a danger to her life as she can't hold her own, because this is about Chara rescuing capable people rather than getting the upper hand on their shared enemy.

The 12-years old realized her twin sister threw to her a slightly small but pretty sharp shard of rock to use as a improvised weapon.

Unlike the canon shapeshifter, your opponent is gelatinous, you dingus. The worst part is that the author is going to make this convenient ass-pull improvised implement work.

"Give it to Chara! Now!",one of the Lapis' screamed towards the other before turning to face Chara,still wearing the fury expression. "Shoot her with that rock,she is the clone!"

Yeah, Chara, why don't you shoot the clone with your rock, and maybe afterwards bash my brains out for thinking the author could even convey a lick of sense anymore with this shapeshifter plot.

"No! She is a big liar!",the other Lapis screamed to Chara as well,still struggling for the book.

"Hmmm...show to me which one of you are the real Lapis.",Chara dared to the two Lapis' as she prepared to throw the rock.

It's a rock, wielded by a small child against a monster made of goo. Seriously, author, was it that much of a bother for you to write in Lapis bringing along an actual weapon, now that you've come to the point of remembering Wendy's axe had a purpose?

The first Lapis simply made a unsettling and toothy grin for Chara and winked,

Because that's how a shapeshifter intends to blend in and deceive their opponents. Fuck you, that one counts triple on the BTTP for not even being the give-away for Chara The Super Sleuth.

but the second one,with a more serious expression,made a wavy motion with one of her hands over her mouth. It became clear that the first Lapis was the amalgamated monster,so Chara finally threw the rock on the first Lapis' belly,who began to bleed white,bad-smelling blood.

I'm not even in the mood for Pokémon-type jokes at this point. This fanfic is like watching a toddler trying to entertain me by having me watch them ride a merry-go-round I already have been on.

The amalgamate removed the rock from her bleeding belly,but suddenly,a large,dog-like being with a hole on its face and a large body with amorphous legs pushed into a cryogenic tube that began to close its doors and freeze the agressive amalgamate.

And that's going to be a strike for each actual character sitting this conflict out, as the author sacrifices potentially good writing for the sake of lame referential appearances. With the twins indirectly boasting of their own skills by putting Lapis down early on, this chapter's dynamic feels like a pissing match where they got it ass backwards and are simply just taking the piss!

Actually,the tube was being operated by Asriel,who took the chance the amalgamate was busy fighting Lapis to run all the way back into the operating room and activate the cryogenic tube.

Meaning this wasn't even your actual plan, but improvised now? Man you fuckwits are a bunch of amateurs! That's it, the BTTP bonus modifier just became a 2x multiplier! You've done your own Lapis dirty, author

"iVe fElt ThiS beFOre...",the amalgamate spoke,surprisingly calmly,as the tube trapped her and freezed her.

"We did it!",Frisk and Asriel cheered,now everyone of the group in the same room,and they began to cheer their victory joyfully,including thank the dog being that helped them...before a quiet,chilling whistling from the amalgamate interrupted them.

I was about to ask whether you were including Snowdrake's mother here, author, but then I realized you can't even keep straight the fact that Endogeny is right there in the same sentence, and it's a fucking amalgamate!

"Be careful about what you wish for,Chara.

Oh hey, look at that, the author brought that idiom back from its death back in Chapter 1, having had nearly every chapter up until now include a clearly accidental and thereby hollow inclusion of someone attesting to be wishing for something, and now it's come full circle with it being spouted out of the blue without a prompt, by someone who wouldn't know the significance outside of just having read the same page of the damn book. You have no sense for storytelling, author.

The book tried to warn you,but it failed,so at least I will try.",the amalgamate began,as she got colder and colder. "Are you sure you're that excited to meet the author? Think again...because one day,before you can realize this wish,you'll need to scream,but you won't have a mouth to do this,and this is what you'll look like in your final moments.",the amalgamate finished,before shapeshifting into a horrified Chara who screamed in despair before turning into a solid block of ice.

What an utter mess of confused motivation and blabbering words, likely meant to foreshadow what the author thinks are subtle hints in her use of definitive words. The shapeshifter's own words were straight and to the point with no definite details. He belittled Dipper, labelled him as ignorant, deemed his pursuit for the author to be one that would be his doom, and then as a last ridicule left him with a possible vision of his demise. This whole 'you'll need to scream but not have a mouth' is going to mark Lemonbread a prophet, I am that convinced at the author's intentionally clunky dialogue substitution choices here, which is not a good thing. That's not foreshadowing. That's telling us what is going to happen, because no one talks like this without being literal!!

...just sleeping for the young group sounded like a horrible idea because of that moment.

In case anyone couldn't tell, that sentence was crafted from something that originally was a joke, and is now written here like this because of that. Well, I guess it's better than Asriel accidentally speaking a shoddy substitution line that could imply bedroom activities instead.

Chara herself felt deeply scarred with a monster that was taunting her about what could happen to her if she kept searching for the author.

I mean, she has to have seen her reflection before, I wouldn't say this is anything new.

~~

In the surface...

The group managed to leave the bunker and the secret laboratory hidden within,but they also took four of the amalgamate group to the surface by Frisk's request,since she and Asriel managed to make them act more like tamed animals than savage but misunderstood animals.

Are they monsters, animals, fusions, amalgamates, have sentience, intelligence, a past with the author, or something else entirely? Establish and make up your fucking mind instead of forcing in a backhanded little happy ending you never bothered to earn, while showing no investment in the characters you are stealing, author!

"T-that...the ending of that adventure was scary. And probably scarred Chara for,like,forever...",Asriel said to Frisk,scratching his right ear.

"Y-yeah...guess she'll take a bit of a while to recover from that,or at least push it back on her mind.",Frisk replied,with a pretty pitful face. And her and Asriel's stomachs growled.

Come on, readers, feel sorry for Chara, it's so important that you do, guys, even the characters of the story are telling you to, so you just got to do it.

"...Want to grab on some eggs and bread with butter or syrup for breakfast?",Asriel asked to Frisk and the latter agreed with a smile,but not before deciding that the two should quickly find a place for the amalgamates to make their home.

That lazily hand-waved action would be more than what you ever did for the pop-idol androids, you hypocrites.

"I acted pretty weirdly on that hour,right? It was like I had been hit on the head by a knife...",

Hmm, I'm not exactly convinced you'd know enough to make the comparison, but feel free to try it out if you'd like.

Chara said to Lapis in a pretty anxious and nervous tone,trying to shrug off the things she tried to speak to Lapis like a mistake.

Oh, yeah, just so anyone reading this needs to catch up, those two disastrous sentences were Chara redoing Dipper's attempt to reel back in his confession to Wendy.

"...I always knew you treated me like a older sister.",Lapis confessed with a pity smile,which shocked Chara. "I mean,I can hear you talking positively about me,how amazing I am...you are aware I'm not everything you like to believe I am,right?"

Wait, was that sentence aimed at Chara or the author?

"N-n-...yes I am...",Chara tried to lie,but eventuallly blaffed the truth,sitting on a log and hugging her knees afterwards.

Blaffed? I'm sorry for whoever you might end up playing Scrabble with, author, seeing as you are just making up words now.

"Don't feel that down,ma'am.",Lapis comforted,sitting alongside Chara on the log.

The author thinks the appropriate thing is to genderflip the addressing of someone as "man", through the connotation of them being a friend they are fond of - like "dude" - is to call them "ma'am". You might have noticed that I've had these feelings of regret for ever picking up mocking this story in the first place, I hope it hasn't been too obvious as of late.

"Actually,everything on my summer was a boring mess...until you appeared. You began another world of fun for me again,and if I ever losed you as a friend,I swear I would even throw myself in the Bottomless Hole and never get out."

Don't make me add more to the BTTP list just because you are feeling cute and need to add a modifier on a canon line, to even further emphasis something unnecessary to add by a character who doesn't know the wormhole spits people back out again, author. My list is already getting bloated from this chapter.

"Hmmm...I just hope things can be a bit better now...now that I know...",Chara quietly said,with less awkwardsness than before. "Best friends?"

"Best friends.",Lapis promised to Chara...before making a fart noise with her tongue that snatched a good laughter from herself and Chara.

You have earned nothing, author. Not that reference. Not that character. Not this story. Not my respect, my interest, nor even my actual distaste for this Frankensteinian horror show you call a story - that one I give unearned, because you can't reward failure through scorn. By the track record of this fanfic, you'd only ever earn a participation trophy by drawing one for yourself on a piece of paper, and you'd probably still call it an accomplishment!

As Lapis left,however,Chara was pratically left alone for a good hour...a very,very quiet and reflective hour where Chara laid on the log,alone and looking at the sky as she reflected about Lapis reaction to Chara's personal workshipping of her,and the prophecy of the violent amalgamate that was felt to be frozen.

Fucking hell, I wasn't being literal when I used that word, yet the author can't stop naval gazing and telegraph her fucking plot-point give-away!

Some scared tears left from her eyes and she yawned as her thoughts flowed over her...and more questions began,just to fill her head even more.

Not that we'll learn them, hear them, or ever see her doing anything, because the author told us she's thoughtful, reflecting, sorry, etcetera, and that is all she has to do for character development, of course.

"...Big sis?",Frisk's voice called out,snapping Chara from her dream-like reflection. "The amalgamates have a home now...a pretty safe little cave on the forest."

Did you have to evict a bunch of femininity poster-model inklings from it first, by any chance?

"And the bird-like one gave me this thing they found out!",Asriel cheerfuly cried as he showed to Chara a thing that looked like a briefcase on the surface. But when Asriel used one of his paws to open it,it revealed itself as a computer.

Why bother doing anything at all, since the author can just have other characters hand you whatever you need off-screen, you pointless excuses for literary relevance?

"A...computer? Asriel,can you fix it? It must be one of the clues,somehow...",Chara spoke as she inspeted the computer and its label: 'Property of G'. ...Who is this G that is the owner of the computer?

Which would be worse; the author made this story up as she went along, or she planned ahead and that's how the story has been shaped up until now? I ask this question because - and I state this with no lack of sickening feeling in my gut - the author might actually have thought ahead superficially, leaving me even more disappointed. Because, as far as I can now tell and suspect, the utter waste of character potential, abnormal decision making, and brainless substitution choice of having Gaster replace Old Man McGucket, has only ever been because Gaster and Garnet's names share initials!

What a ride. I'm starting to genuinely worry if ten months was even enough distance to put between me and this thing, because the more I start picking at this fanfic, the more the old grudges only seem to resurface on an instinctual level, possibly making me prone to lash out worse than I should because of having forgotten the context that caused them. I'll reconsider rereading the fanfic through up to this point, should the next chapter hit me just as hard, but I have a feeling it wont. I think a lot of my reactions to each chapter separately, and find it likely that the more I like a particular episode, the worse it is to walk through this author's lame and faux retelling of it. It's like walking into a verbal insult you know is coming, but the experience will be different if its aimed at your face rather than your shoes. Odd similes aside, the severity of my reactions stem from my enjoyment and respect for the show and its episodes. It goes the same for shows like Steven Universe and Avatar the Last Airbender, where the sequential storytelling is utilized by the show writers to enrich the narrative.  Each episode - with varying degree of success or importance of course -  applies to the overall story. The episodes mattered. The events in them mattered. The character development from these events mattered. Here, in this fanfic, nothing matters. Whatever the author does in any chapter is just to write out a close equivalent regardless of what was before it, and we can expect similar events to unfold just the same way as the canon, no character development needed, and no prior establishing required.

The next chapter is titled The Slack-battle, being whatever the author thought was quaint to change The Golf War episode into. Since I don't know what the hell kind of game Slack is,  I'll just assume its made up or a niche local sport for the author that Frisk is a master at, and that instead of Lillyputtians, the author have the twins be assisted against Etoile by a bunch of Chao from the Sonic series.

YAT: 66
BTTP: 306
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Are you a former member of Project AFTER? Drop me a message, let me hear how things are going.

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ConcernedGamer
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Re: Inside Falls

Post by ConcernedGamer » Wed Nov 04, 2020 5:03 pm

So, looking back at the two chapters before this one, I realize that my ire comes from my scrutiny of this fanfic, as it contrast with details I keep discovering more and more meaning in from the source material. As season openers, they set a serious tone, go full in on kid-proportionate horror elements, and give an impression of how the season will be like going forward. And then we have this third episode be a mini-golf tourney featuring tiny adorable creatures rigging the match. It is an appropriate tonal shift, I feel, to be a breath of levity and show it's not going to be hardcore every moment on the way, ignoring of course the actual attempted murders by said tiny adorable creatures at the end. What in hindsight is most important, however, is how Pacifica was added a dimension beyond being a spoiled rich kid rival to the Pines. And with this author's penchant for misconstruing source material, I bet we'll see no such thing happen with Etoile, while the script moves forward as if it had. Here's Chapter 23, The Slack-battle.

Chara and Temmie were calmly watching television on the Crystal Shack's living room on a day that apparently presented itself as another common,ordinary day in the town of Inside Falls...or at least,what the town could call ordinary.

Safe to say, at this type of place the phrase 'when pigs fly' is less likely a term for 'never' and more like at what time to be home for dinner.

"I made paancaaakes!~🎵",Pearl announced with motherly enthusiasm,holding a plate with stacked pancakes filled with syrup. "...What? You don't like pancakes?"

Author, since you wedged in dialogue that doesn't make the pancakes gross like Stan did, how about you actually wrote out the reaction Pearl is supposed to be responding to?

"...Grauntie Pearl,save those ones to my sister Frisk...I'm eating cereal right now.",Chara softly explained as she took a spoonful of cereal and milk on her mouth.

And now I can only assume Chara is scrounging for sibling suck-up points to please the author. The kid is turning down pancakes by her encouraging provider in favor of cereal, with Pearl likely having made enough for everyone, while only being unable to see what Chara is eating if she was blind!

"Greetings Grauntie Pearl. Greetings best sis Chara.",Frisk greeted her great aunt and her older twin sister with a sweet,jolly smile. "I've been told by the people that work on the Inside Falls news that they've accepted that article I've been talking about some weeks ago! ...And they also promised it to be the first page. So...what you think about it?",Frisk explained as she showed to both Pearl and Chara the front page of the newspaper.

"Out of town rube says flash photography hurts her light-phobia, more pictures on page two and three?"

"Hmmm...'Etoile Rosenqueen declares japanese hand fans the new summer trend'. ...I think that wasn't what you meant.",Pearl said,as she looked at the newspaper and didn't find anything that the workers of the news of Inside Falls promised to Frisk.

Journalists, author. Please, for the love of language, punch more than a single word into Google when you look for synonyms.

Frisk herself gasped in a heartbroken shock as she looked at the newspaper and didn't even find her suggested article on a tiny corner of the front or back parts.

Well, if the author could help out by actually telling us what it was supposed to be about, instead of weaseling out of her substitution mantra when convenient, maybe Frisk could actually find it.

"That is something that should be called 'cheating on life with money'.",Chara commented with a hint of cold anger on her voice.

You took that line's over a ten minutes and an intro away from its origin point, author, and you aren't even substituting it, you are straight up ripping it off!

"Hey,its okay...",Pearl tried to comfort Frisk,as she began to notice she was quietly sobbing and showing a extremely pitful frown. "Here,I saved those pancakes fo-",Pearl continued,until the moment Frisk quickly snatched the plate from her,quietly apologized,and ran to the living room's table in tears.

Why are these brats the epitome of snowflake fragility, absolute babies crying at the drop of a hat because the author can't dip a single one of their toes into anger or just contained disappointment with a downcast frown? Pity magnets like this are insufferable, and the only time the author deviates from the formula is whenever she needs her angst fix by having Chara go "lol mY meNtaL IsSuEs".

"Hey girls! You saw the newspaper?",Asriel kind of cheerfuly greeted Chara and Pearl,who looked at him with confused faces. "...I'll have to confess this will sound lazy,but electric fans are ten times better than hand fans."

Now you've just changed a joke into a separate category of opinions, author, because even Soos understood fashion statements and ran with the topic while trying to master it, while Ariel here just goes 'Hey, fashion is less convenient'. I'm sure it will have so much payoff, you philistine.

Chara,feeling extreme pity at her little twin sister as she watched her quietly munching on the pancakes with syrup,thought hard and hard on what she should do to uplift her spirit once more. And surely...the TV gave her the idea: a new building was being open to the public to host slackline competitions of all kind.

Does the author think that just because it's introduced in the episode through a commercial, that the attraction somehow wasn't there the day before? And what the fuck are slackline competitions?

"Frisk?",Chara called out to her twin,who looked at her with a confused face.

"You said my name, and that makes me very confused for some reason."

"You know you got that fear of heights since you removed Grauntie Pearl's one as you told me before,right?"

You mean the one she got while constantly self-flagellating to excuse her actions, because that brat can't be caught being selfish even if it was a matter of life and death between her and a pet rock?

"Y-yeah...?",Frisk replied,as more confusion raised on her face and voice.

"Well...I know you'll probably refuse this deal because of that,but a slackline competition is being h-"

"Let me just exposit how this choice of activity makes no sense with all the context that the author has set up, so we can proceed to ignore it and therefore convince the readers that they should too."

"SLACKLINE?!",Frisk cried in surprise,interrupting Chara's explanation. "I wanna go! Pleaseletmepleasepleaseplease?!",Frisk pleaded for Grauntie Pearl with a jolly,enthusiastic disposition.

"...Why she is suddenly so happy now?",Pearl asked to Chara,confused both about the slackline word and Frisk's mood suddenly swinging from heartbroken and sad to incredibly cheerful.

"Because she was the master of slackline since she first crossed one on a beach trip when we were kids.",

Image

So, it turns out Slacklining is an actual thing. A - by the global scope of fanfic distribution that me in Scandinavia enjoys - excessively obscure form of exercise via tightrope walking, originating and organized possibly solely in the United States. Using a wide nylon line, I guess its closer to doing yoga in a hammock than actual tightrope walking, but honestly, having a name meaning the exact opposite of what you want underneath your feet is not warming me up to the sport. It ranges in categories from being over heights, over water, yoga less than a foot off the ground, and performing tricks of various forms. And yes, there are competitions, demanding coordination, balance, a lot of core strength, and likely a rigorous training regimen, and a score system I of course looked up to prepare for later. And Frisk developed a fear of heights in spite of this, and now can just jump on a nylon belt and be a super being, rather than having a comparable talent to swinging a club with precision. Whenever I research the shit this author forces on me the need to know about, my reward is always finding the addition making the fanfic come up shorter for it.

Chara explained to Pearl,while showing a picture of a memory book with a 9-years old Frisk in a beach outfit and big smile wearing a golden medal on the neck. "That was one of the first medals she won,and I'm proud of her.

Just keep bathing your characters in your own selectively injected back-pats, author. It's not at all forced or contrived when it's a visible addition that does nothing but replace the actual sibling bond you should be making an effort in writing outside the stolen canon.

Also...we had a good deal of stress these days so...walking on a line in the air will maybe make us happy."

"I...am sincerely impressed about the love you have for your sister. Here,take it...I think it fits you.",Pearl spoke before pulling out of the aquarium's drawer a little open heart locket of golden and red color that showed a goofy but happy picture of the Dreemurr twins,Pearl,Asriel and Lapis.

"O-oh...thanks...it wasn't really necessary...",

Yeah, really, it wasn't, because this is the author stretching for any and all semblance of canon-relevant paraphernalia for her character, doing it in the same way and with the same empty payoff as everything else in this fanfic. Cheap references without the worth they are meant to have when injected here. It's like reading a Highschool AU Lord of the Rings fanfic that has Frodo get the One Ring from a gumball machine on accident.

Chara thanked with a blush before closing the heart locket and hanging it around her neck.

"Sis? Grauntie Pearl? I'm excited to go.",Frisk called to Chara and Pearl with a big smile fixed on her face.

Shut up, Frisk. The author made this scene about her favorite psychopath and forgot to even mention that anyone made a decision to go anywhere with you.

---

The new building,designed to look like sand castles made on the beaches,was located on the extreme north of the Inside Falls town,just like how the TV informed.

I hate to be the one trying to ask the logical questions here, again and always, but why didn't they just have this by the beach, since the author made this town have one?

While Chara and Asriel were wearing their traditional outfits (Chara deciding to keep the heart locket fixed on herself),Pearl was wearing a sundress of cyan color with sandals of the same color,and Frisk was wearing a blue bandanna with a violet heart,a blue v-neck shirt with purple strips,a light turquoise jumper wrapped over her thigh,jean shorts and sky blue sandals.

Tourniquets are so last season, Frisk.

Everyone of the group gasped in surprise seeing the impressive way the stand tried to mimic a real beach and the quantity of slackline courses in their squares.

"Its like we are in a actual beach...its...beautiful.",Frisk commented,with little stars on her pupils.

You have actually forgotten you made this a beach-set town just to satisfy your water-themed holiday, didn't you, author?

"And...hot...like a actual beach.",Chara added,with a bit of discomfort because of the sand inside the building,that was hot because of the sun.

Bellyaching about the natural forces because the author can't have her characters describe the scenery in any other way, wow I'm so hyped. When will Jasper come along and spray paint muscles on a wall?

"S-sir?...can I get on this line?",Frisk politely asked to Gaster,who was oddly playing a koto while sitting down on one of the slacklines.

"O-oh! Sorry for bothering you,young lady...",Gaster quietly apologized before getting out and walking away...still playing the koto...and sang with a very bad voice.

Well, that happened. It wasn't funny or important or relevant outside the fact that McGucket was in the canon for a gag which the author can't repeat. Oh, my mistake, he plays a Japanese instrument and sings badly, that's just the funniest shit ever, of course.

"*psst* Grauntie Pearl,Asriel! Look!",Chara called to both Pearl and Asriel,and pointed to Frisk,who was using a little stair to get on the top of the slackline and place her sandals.

Frisk began walking trough the line until near the center,and made a handstand followed by some simple hand yoga. The three first actions were already impressive enough to attract a crowd around the line. Aftewards,she made a backbounce and finished with a impressive balance over a wobbly line before finishing the walk. The crowd went wild with the presentation and clapped for the 12-years old girl.

Yeah, no wonder, since she's doing better than any championship winner at the spectator part of this niche sport that I can find videos of. I should have figured the author had the twins raised in a circus by Chara's constant clown act.

"O-oh...thank you...",Frisk shyly thanked to the crowd. "It took four years of scratching to learn all that."

That must have been one nasty itch. What the hell did you then do to win your medal four years ago?

"O-oh my! Is that what Frisk is able to do?!",Pearl cried in a impressed voice,watching the whole crowd congratulating her younger great niece.

"Grauntie Pearl,this is just 2.5/4 of what she can do.",Chara explained to Pearl with a large smile.

When you decide to use fractions in your comedy potential, author, that's all that it amounts to.

~~

And Chara was right. For a good deal of minutes,Frisk pulled some tricks and invented new ones that managed to stun the crowd,controlling rather well her shyness.

Oh yeah, her shyness, thank you for reminding me of why I haven't put another tally on the BTTP counter for a couple of paragraphs, author. Drawing attention to the contradiction does not absolve you of it.

However,she decided to try a jump with a spin,and she missed entirely the line,falling in a pretty humiliating way on the ground and scratching alot her face. This made the entire crowd abandon her,except her family,who worriedly went to inspect her.

A kid got hurt and no one cares. Your silly story is painting such a bleak reality for itself, author. And again, the part where I mentioned her doing better than any champion of the sport? Points in competition is awarded for chaining combos of tricks, and typically after a handful, the competitor will hit the ground, or rather the matt that any responsible venue of this kind would have. Frisk falls like an idiot amateur just so she can get more pity points, too!

"H-hey,are you okay,dear?",Pearl softly asked to Frisk,who got up and began to sob because of the pain. "Shhh,here,the pain will be gone soon...",Pearl spoke in a attempt to calm down her niece,as she sticked up a bandage over Frisk's left cheek,the part that got scratched the most.

Image

I have no comparison with which to mock this idiocy! The author is so desperate, just pouring out meaningless excuses for iconic items to be established with zero relevance or purpose. Even the band-aid meant more in Undertale than this, because as a starting item equipped on Frisk, it frames them in the light of a kid that's no stranger to adventures getting them hurt. Here's it's just because the author fudged safety precautions at this attraction that can't possibly survive in any economy. The heart locket was given to Chara just because she showed Pearl a photo and maybe passed up a pancake! Everything is put here by an excuse that invalidates the point of it all!!

"You did pretty great,rosey! I wouldn't do in any way like you!",Asriel said,petting Frisk's head carefully to not make his paw's claws hurt Frisk's face even more.

Is this domesticated goatboy not able to trim those, or do you have pets you are neglecting and think have overgrown nails as a norm, author?

"Asriel is right. There will be no one that'll be as good as you are in slackline in Inside...",Pearl began to speak,but was interrupted by a vision that leaved her mortified. Soon,Asriel,Chara and Frisk followed suit,looking right at what Pearl was seeing.

Etoile was graciously and slowly walking on one of the slacklines with some difficulty as her parents watched her,and she didn't fall in a face-scratching,humiliating form like Frisk. Just as she finished walking over the line,the rich girl noticed her more humble rival and her family.

Oh wow, the kid actually walked from one end of the line and to the other, which even the author has pointed out by Frisk's actions is not the fucking point of Slacklining. Clearly this is a rivalry for the ages!!

"Ho ho ho ho ho ho!",Etoile mockingly laughed. "Look at who is here!"

"Etoile!",Frisk cried in a mix of shock and surprise.

"The Dreemurr family,right?",Etoile asked with a smug smile,as she used her puffy hand fan on her face. "A white and misfit furball,a crazy old lady,a very creepy bug,and the dirty-face!"

Pacifica delivered her scathe by summing up each Pines group member with a singular superficial and negatively laced word, author. And here you had Etoile simply rant off the only true defining characteristics I have for these cretins.

"If she was my child,I would show to her how people disciplined children in my time...",Pearl said,clearly annoyed at the snobbish attitude of the blonde.

A joke about a stranger contemplating punching a bratty kid is funny, author. A joke about a childless crone wanting to raise a child through corporal punishments, not so much.

"Look here,you rich brat...",Chara spoke to Etoile in a deep,cold fury. "We aldready know your family is one of the biggest frauds ever,so I ain't afraid of ruining your beauty to teach you a lesson."

Oh great, more wonderfully endearing utterances from Chara 'Violence Is The Answer' Dreemurr, who stoops to threats as she can't merely resort to just gloating about her past moral victory. How the heck are these two ever going to end on even neutral relations by the end of this story?

"Pfffft,you're just angry at being in your own poverty.",Etoile simply shrugged off Chara's threat.

Poverty of the soul, wit, compassion, the list goes on really.

Frisk sincerely wanted to tell Etoile to not feel so arrogant,or warn to her about how much time she took being great at slackline in the beach before arriving at Inside Falls,but she didn't want to sound too much like a hypocrite. And besides,she saw two british-looking guards in the distance with 'RQ' symbols,that possibly belonged to Etoile's family.

This non-confrontational sad sack is grating on every aspect of interaction she makes or deliberately chooses not to. Like a too-good-for-this-world token first victim in an edgy anime, she walks while avoiding even stepping on a gnat, being sugar sweet to anyone without reason, and has a mental state so fragile that actually facing reality would cause her to go into shock. At least in an anime, she would have the decency to die for the shock value, but this little brat just keeps going, because the author has no other way to make her character stand out. She can't stand up for herself, because she folds faster than a house of card during an earthquake. She can't think of a single justifiable dissatisfaction with anything that happens, because being anything but pure-hearted is a sin. And when the plot forces her to deviate, she mentally punishes herself to no end but milking her misery to present herself like even more of a morally superior angel, even when hypocrisy is not even able to be derived from anything she could do! She didn't display her skill as part of her ego here, so verbal self-defense is actually warranted. She has to be cowed by every excuse on the way because the author lives out a strange martyr complex here, deriving pity as a form of endearment, when all she demonstrates is that she has better weaving skills than with fanfics, by how big of a doormat she is can create!

"...Hey,I think she could beat you easily in a slackline game!",Asriel suddenly cried,

Of course you wiped it all off on Asriel so you could have your plot, having him for no reason acting like a stubborn stooge, when he is even more of a worrywart than Frisk is.

and since Etoile was already starting to cross the slackline,she missed a step and feel flat into the ground,ruining a good part of her makeup. As her parents helped her got up,Etoile gave a furious glare towards Frisk.

What is it with this author thinking mildly stated opinions are as scathing and shocking as directed, malicious insults? If she read my mock, she would probably have a heart attack.

"Then I'll take that as a challenge...",Etoile angrily spoke,in a way that terrified Frisk down to the bone,even if the latter was being hugged by her very revengeful twin sister.

Fuck off, author. You're twisting everything you change into insults, needing to force your passive worms into a challenge that just happens because of someone doing sideline banter, with the antagonist just declaring it as such to make you think you get away with it scot-free.

~~

In the rainy afternoon,on the local glowy diner...

That drunk and depressed Vocaloid waitress should really stop putting uranium in her coffee.

The Dreemurrs were taking some dinner...every Dreemurr except Frisk,who was taken over by both sadness and panic and was wearing the light turquoise jumper. Chara,out of kindness,shared some of her cinnamon cake with her so she wasn't going to starve up.

Stop it, author. Stop having these vacuous characters be each other's babysitter. The scene you wrote over was Dipper feeding his sister nacho chips as a caring antic of supplying her comfort foods at her regret at escalating a confrontation. They acted like children. Chara and Frisk are going out of their way to act like codependent twits suffering from forced maturity derived from overblown existential dilemmas, cowed by their own decided inactions on behalf of your obsessive pity-milking.

"I just wish I could speak a bit more bravely agains't richier people...",Frisk melancholy said,laying her face down the table.

Yeah, but sadly the author thinks being a kindhearted pacifist means to be a spineless coward. I'm not saying you aren't allowed to make someone a coward, author, but making a person a coward to the point that it's what forges your narrative to comply with, while white washing even minute detrimental actions off of them is beyond being self-servingly obtuse.

"Keep hanging up on hope,Frisk.",Asriel hopefully spoke for his cousin.

You really should learn enough English to know what that sentence actually means, author.

"You can still use your new and awesome tricks to top her off!"

Please don't let the next words out of these idiots' mouths encourage Frisk to make Etoile the bottom.

"Yeah,she'll never pick on you again.",Chara agreed with Asriel's statement with a friendly smile directed at Frisk.

At least you are still naïve like children.

"...alright. I will still hang on the plane of hope.",Frisk said,gaining a sparkle fo hope,even trough some panic was still persistently hanging on.

While on the topic, 'autopilot' sounds like a very good term for this fanfic. I'll file it on the list right above 'connect-the-dots'.

Even trough she wasn't exactly liking the idea of invading a recently made building,Pearl decided to help her nieces break in the slackline competition building while Asriel kept on guard.

She had no idea why, of course, since Etoile had neither specified a time or place, nor even as much as uttered anything remotely near taking anyone on besides considering Asriel's claim a challenge levied against her. The plot-aware hive mind prevails, I suppose.

Pearl used a hammer to open a hole big enough for Chara and Frisk to crawl across.

"Frisk?",Pearl called out to her younger great niece,and putted on her head a little garden rose colored in a pastel pink. "Good luck,sweet pie."

So, you intend to have the sticker represent just how superficial the nickname 'Rosey' is as applied to Frisk, author? Because Mabel's sticker-fixation actually holds a thematic flair to herself and the support she gets from others.

---

As Frisk and Chara finally entered together in the building,the two searched for the slackline Frisk used earlier,which was actually not the easiest of the tasks because of the wide area of the building. However,as the twins finally found out the slackline...it wasn't hooked up.

Well, yeah, a tight line like that will unnecessarily loosen up and wear out if kept up while not in use. If you needed it all to have a water theme and be a competitive sport, author, why didn't you just go with swimming?

In fact,as the two began to pay more attention,neither of the others were hooked up and some of them were even missing entirely. Soon,the two began to hear...weird noises. They sounded like a horde of animals.

"Stay in my back.",Chara whispered to Frisk,who quickly hided behind Chara.

Do you know what I like about all of Gravity Falls? The damsel stereotype was entirely left out. Dipper and Mabel were equals, one never less capable than the other, both trusting to have each other's back. Having faced monsters already, and hearing strange sounds at a mini-golf course in the night, they each grab a club and ready themselves. But the author is overdosing on overprotective sisterhood like it was crack cocaine, but with no results to validate it. Both of these characters, and everyone else, really, are stealing storylines and acting in ways that don't support them continuing to do so.

The twins walked around,trying to find the font of the noises,and eventually,the noises guilded both to a little trap door that Frisk gently opened up.

The two twins putted their heads down to see what they never suspected to be inside the trapdoor: a group of animal-like,humanoid or furniture-like beings cleaning some of the slacklines in many different ways.

What in the name of Fraggle Rock is 'furniture-like beings' even supposed to mean?

After some seconds,the group of creatures noticed the two unexpected visitors and gasped.

And the creatures screamed. And the twins screamed. And the creatures screamed again. And the twins screamed again. And the creatures screamed a last time. After the pretty big surprise the twins had,they looked better at the now calmed down but still shocked creatures.

Guess what, readers, this very funny thing happened, it was so hilarious to watch and hear, with excellent timing and beat to it. You may now move on as the author butchered yet another joke through conveying it in an incompatible medium.

"Hello and hello!",one of the creatures,who was a crawling humanoid of white skin,green bob-cut hair and red horns on the front and back of the head,spoke with a pretty young and female voice. "We are kind of new and its our first day. I am a Ralts,and this is our home."

And not even Pokémon are safe from this fanfic, and of course they are capable of fluid human speech too, why not. So, is it just a part of Ralts culture to clean slacklines?

"A...Ralts?",Chara said,curious about the very unusual name.

Are you one to talk, forehead dot?

"Why are you and the other,such beautiful creatures inside here?",Frisk asked to the 'Ralts' with a sympathetic smile.

Soon,the group of creatures presented themselves and explained their situation: they weren't forcefully trapped like the Dreemurr twins slightly suspected off...they were actually there by their own free will. The creatures wandered aimlessy around Inside Falls and its forests before the slackline building was made,and when it became open to the public,they watched everything that was happening...including the incident between the Rosenqueen's and the Dreemurr's. So,the creatures decided that they would settle the slackline competition's building as their home and,if possible,help Frisk's broken heart.

I've had it up to here with this amateurish way of crafting a plot. The theme, the creatures, the competition, the reasons of it all attempted to be woven together and mashed down on top of an existing formula, and none of it works. It's like watching someone jumping to do a salto, and you watch as they soar, hoping that they will succeed, land and give you the payoff they've set up and worked for. Then they snap their neck on impact before jumping up and pretending everything carries on as if they performed well. Nothing fits and the author has to excuse an instant fairy tale godmother level of conveniences. Having non-associated creatures attentively judging Frisk's brief tribulations as heartbreak is as close to fellating a literary character for a slight inconvenience there ever was!

Even trough Frisk found the little group of creature's attitude pretty noble,she,at first,refused their help because she wanted a righteous competition. However,Chara convinced Frisk accept the help,justifying that Etoile dances over the rules with her money.

I mean, it almost sounds like something you said earlier and therefore had no reason for mentioning now, but whatever.

In the end,both decided to settle on Chara's opinion once and for all to not create a big discussion.

So you decided to agree to not disagree - what?

In trade,Frisk offered the pastel pink garden rose as a gift for the creatures to remember her.

Author, you are just entirely missing the point and abandoning the moral lesson of this episode, of how making such a big deal out of competitive strife is petty, just to soak in your sappy and unearned saccharine schlock.

As midnight arrived,Etoile Rosenqueen entered on the slackline competition's building alongside the same british-looking guards from morning,meeting up with Chara and Frisk.

Sorry, author, but every time the name Rosenqueen pops up, I sigh in relief that we don't share same referential level of knowledge, and you have blissfully ignored the opportunity to inject Disgaea characters, as that franchise pays homage to the shop name.

"Are you sure you can win? You can leave if you want.",Etoile taunted Frisk with a large,toothy smile.

That phrasing is the generous out given to someone to retain dignity, author, not the snarky proposal to skip the trouble of going through an inevitable defeat.

"You don't understand! I-...i...got new tricks! And I learned from my mistakes!",Frisk spoke with a brave,determined voice.

There's nothing like feigned character improvement that's slapped on like the Band-Aid on a character's face, am I right? Did I miss a training montage, or was the act of falling on her face somehow enough to reinvented her entire skill set?

"Alright,we'll see that...in the largest lines!",Etoile spoke,pointing towards the area of the slacklines on the center,supposed to be side-by-side with a clean water pool below them. There was water on the pool...but no slacklines. "...What?! Nani?! Impossible!

Come on, author, shake that weeb bag a bit more. I'm sure there must be some JoJo in there, too.

What did you two do to the lines?!",Etoile yelled towards Chara and Frisk,before showering them with a pile of insults. However,when Etoile looked back,the slacklines were perfectly placed there. A job of the two 'Pikachu's' that no one but Chara and Frisk were aware off. "...Hmpth. Anyway,lets go."

I know they are called pocket monsters, author, but Pikachu, and Ralts for that matter, are both over a foot tall. Merely saying something happened without notice does not convince me that it could, and having no one react appropriately makes everything even less plausible. If your plot demands characters to be mouth breathing idiots, what else am I supposed to consider you to be?

~~

Later...

Because of the tricks of the creatures that were more based on water,Frisk avoided getting herself wet in a higher number than Etoile,whose's remade makeup was becoming a big group of stains on her face. Eventually,Etoile pleaded for a break,that Frisk kindly allowed her to take while Chara reluctanly allowed.

What is this competition based on, and how is it being judged? At least three people would be necessary to watch and evaluate tricks and combos, but the author just have unmentioned Pokémon do something we don't know, that goes unnoticed by Etoile so Frisk doesn't get wet, as if that is the measure somehow? Author, you are so far inside your own head, that you can't even convey the simplest of events without making me wonder if you even considered for other people to read this fanfic!

"Why I am not winning? I am the best girl,she's just a poverty rat! I don't understand!!",Etoile cried,in disbelief over the fact she was being humilhated by Frisk out of all people. "...Maybe she's enlisting help from magical creatures- NO. That is a imaginary dream.",Etoile theorized but debunked herself. Just as she stopped speaking,she felt...a little hand with three fingers hanging thighly on her dress.

Did the bodyguards just leave during the time skip, or should I assume that the author fell off one too many slacklines to recall what she wrote?

Soon,more hands of different shapes and number of fingers grabbed on her dress,hair and arms,dragging her into the little trapdoor. Meanwhile,Chara and Frisk were holding the scoreboard,marking the number of tricks and stuns Frisk and Etoile managed to make,Frisk's higher than Etoile's.

So why would the Pokémon escalate things further when they aren't internally competing for Frisk's attention? They have had zero attention even while being the author's substitution choice. It pisses me off that I can't even make any appropriate jokes about types and moves or anything here, because the author is pissing away the entire chapter by only implying some form of Pokémon are doing some form of shit, to benefit the balancing acts of kids they have no reason to even be empathic towards. This crossover is not very effective.

"Chara...I actually have a little,unsure but growing feeling that is not good...",Frisk confessed to Chara while scratching the back of her hair. "Its like...Etoile is in danger...and I'll feel bad,even trough she is a big big rich bully towards me."

Take your worthless omniscience and cram it up your golden ass, you milquetoast Mary Sue.

"...Naaah,she'll be fine.",Chara shrugged off with a chill,yet confident smile. Unfortunately,her statement was contradicted by struggling noises coming from the same trapdoor the creatures were using as their hideout. Frisk and Chara went to the trapdoor and decided to enter in the room inside it this time,finding the room was actually fitting for Chara and Frisk's heights...but not too much for Etoile,who was being tied up in her knees.

I'll be honest guys, I'm starting to second guess the recommendations I've gotten about playing Pokémon Mystery Dungeon.

"What is happening!? AHHH! Stop that!",Etoile screamed towards the group of creatures,and Frisk and Chara screamed,horrified about what the creatures both of them deemed 'adorable' was doing to the rich girl.

Your lack of actually conveying the scene in details, of what anyone is doing at this moment, is making this ten time more inappropriate than your fanfic was already, author.

"Welcome back,girls!",the 'Ralts' with the soft girl voice spoke to the Dreemurr twins with a slightly maniacal grin,that flattened as she noticed the twins weren't a little inch proud of the creature's actions. "...you...aren't liking this?"

"n-not...a-a-a-a....i-i-i...",Frisk slowly answered,too terrified and scared to continue speaking.

"Guys? That is not something Frisk would approve.",Chara confessed with a nervous,and slightly terrified face.

I am not hearing an objection from you personally, Chara, and why should I even pretend to be the least bit surprised?

"But we saw in the morning how she was cruel to your family...and we thought on the best retribution we could: termination.",Ralts explained,her smile growing wider and eviler as she spoke.

Author, my complaints are perhaps a bit high in demand on expectations from you, but you are really showing a lack of maturity in only perceiving and depicting a cruel act as correlating with something or someone simply being 'evil', rather than morally ignorant like the Lilliputtians. Especially in hindsight with how you've written Chara's mentality and urges.

"Also,she ain't calling mother and father.",Ralts continued,as she magically lifted Etoile's phone and smashed it on the ground,causing its screen to gain some cracks.

"...ENOUGH!",Frisk finally snapped,catching the attention of all the creatures. "I'll not give to any of you my garden rose because you are acting cruel and mean to get my attention. ...she may hate me,but I can actually still feel something inside her soul. It'll take time,but I and Chara will find out what she really wants. And its not my attention made with dirty hands.",Frisk spoke,before picking the garden rose and ripping it in half with her hand.

Jump off a bridge, you dumbass. You profess only the reason that you foresee character development for Etoile to be why you don't want her harmed, when the right thing is to not have her harmed like this in any case! Why do you even try to sell me on the oddity of that rose being important, when the creatures themselves had already in the first place decided on doing this for you pro bono!

All the creatures watched,mortified at the sight of the destroyed garden rose. Destroyed by the person they wished to help and grew pity towards. Some cries of 'Traitor!','Liar!' and 'Manipulator Monster!' raised on the little crowd,

Yeah, sure, whatever, I mean it makes perfect sense with what she has said to call her a liar and monster that manipulates, when the author specifically made her just follow along on their investment, of course. Why would I have a reason to think otherwise?

and soon,all the creatures were insulting Frisk for 'betraying' them. A half of the crowd began to run towards Frisk,with the intent of attacking her,while the other half began to point their claws and fangs towards Etoile,who screamed with terror.

"Chara,hold them back,I'll save Etoile.",Frisk quietly said to Chara,before dashing trough the hostile crowd of creatures. Chara kicked,knocked and punched the creatures,distracting their focus on Frisk.

And all the supposedly psychic type tricks or water-whatever to cheat on Frisk's behalf is just right up ignored, and the Pikachus have forgotten their quick attacks an thunder bolts. Don't think I can't tell you should be hitting a brick wall just because you aren't finished building it, author.

"*grunts* Thank you...",Etoile awkwardly thanked off Frisk while the latter untied her,which was kind of easy since the ropes were slightly old.

Because the dumbass creatures that apparently want to clean slacklines for a living decided to use boring old fragile rope for this purpose. You are clueless, author!

"Anytime,Etoile Rosenqueen.",Frisk replied with a kind smile,offering her hand to help her go trough the area in a slightly more comfortable way...which Etoile surprisingly accepted.

Desperate times are full of surprises, of course, no one ever saw that coming.

The two got trough the hostile creatures together and saved Chara,who was slowly being overpowered before the rescue.

Are all these slackline-cleaning critters Lvl 1, or are they waiting for Chara to finish her turn?

As the three got back to the surface,they found out the two guards from Etoile found a themed cart they decided to use to made a quicky escapade.

Now there's something for the front page tabloids, Frisk.

Unfortunately,as they reached the blink of the exit,a psychic force hitted the car,also affecting the two guards,and a thunder hitted it,destroying it and shocking the guards.

Straight up murder, alright. I'm sure Chara can dig that like what happened to the secret agents.

"Psst...come on,the improvised entrance!",Frisk called to Chara and Etoile,who followed her,the latter reluctantly. The creatures,thinking the youngsters were still inside the cart,destroyed it further,as the trio went towards the hole Pearl made to allow the Dreemurr twins to enter inside the building,using it as a last-moment exit. The trio hastily sealed the exit to not allow the creatures to leave and cause more jumble.

You think they are actually contained in there? Good luck sleeping knowing you have electric rodents and spoon benders hunting you down for as long as you live - is what I would have said if this author wasn't an incompetent tool.

"*breaths in and out for some moments* ...WHAT HAPPENED?!",Etoile shouted towards both Chara and Frisk. "You putted my life in danger! Don't think that just saving my life will be enough to-",Etoile continued shouting,but she was interrupted when she was surprisingly hugged by Frisk. Not a forced hug; it was a genuinely tender hug.

Which is kind of creepy when you think about it, seeing the lack of actual reason to justify it with. I think a forced hug would have been better, not that I don't consider this one that too.

"I knew I should have not used their help...I'm really sorry I putted your life at risk,Etoile.",Frisk tenderly apologized,and patted Etoile's back,as the latter reluctantly hugged back. Suddenly,the three heard the song of a car horn,and looked forward to see Pearl and Asriel on the former's car.

No one was behind the wheel and the three children were dead on impact.

---

Since Etoile's parents weren't avaliable to take her back home,Pearl decided to make the kindness of sending her back to her home trough the car.

Isekai-style?

But the ride was pretty...weird. Pearl and Asriel were cheerfuly singing a song about driving,Etoile was showing a pretty annoyed face,Chara refused to look at Etoile out of hatred and Frisk was sweetly smiling.

You call this weird? It's like you don't even know the story you are writing, author. I suppose you think it's weird that fire is hot, too?

"Oh...also...here is some leftover caramel.",Frisk remembered,pulling out of the car's backseat a sack of solid caramel. "...Do you want some?"

"...Sure?",Etoile agreed with alot of confusion on her face,as Frisk handed down four solid caramels on her hand.

"Its okay,I'm sharing with you,and sharing is a kindness.",Frisk explained to Etoile with a pretty tender smile...full of solid caramel pebble.

I conclude you haven't heard of the word 'oversharing' then.

"No one of my friends ever shared something with me...",Etoile quietly said,sparkling a good deal of pity on Frisk's soul. Finally,the car reached Etoile's house...or rather...palace. It looked japanese,but modern and pretty rich.

So any guess as to how it actually looks is as good as mine.

"Thanks for bringing me here...and Frisk? I actually had alot of fun with you,even trough I hate to confess this.",Etoile thanked Pearl and Frisk,before pulling a green hand fan and putting it where she was formely sitting in. "Say to your exotic family member this is a gift for him."

Etoille is a furry, confirmed.

"...Oh. Hand fan.",Asriel said with a pretty uncomfortable voice,as Frisk closed the car's door and putted the hand fan gift on Asriel's lap.

"You are on more friendly terms with her?",Chara asked to Frisk as the car drived far away from the Rosenqueen's Palace.

Do you just perceive static noise in place of your senses whenever your sister hugs someone, so as to mentally cope with the existence of positive emotions or something, Chara?

"Yes...not entirely friendship,but not a one-hundred percent rivarly either.",Frisk answered with a calm but still happy smile. "She looks and kinda acts like a princess...but in the end,besides the economical barriers...she's just a kid like us.",Frisk continued,as fireworks popped up in the distance. "Maybe she one day will be more open to you."

I don't think the issues are solely on Etoile's side, cupcake.

"...Actually,hand fans aren't actually that bad.",Asriel confessed,as he himself began to learn to grab and use it properly with his reduced number of fingers. The other three Dreemurrs laughed because of Asriel's confession,for alot of the goat boy's confusion.

Something meaningless and stupid was said, that's the joke. It must be so funny that it hurts to laugh, since that's what I'm not doing.

Why is it that every crossover-potential this author injects just gets wasted as if they were being parodied or made into satire by their far too flimsy and brief appearance? I can't tell if the author likes or does not like Pokémon, that's how poor their portrayal and inclusion was. And of course I learnt the rules for judging Slacklining for nothing. If this is how the author displays her own interests, a career in content censorship is more up her alley.

Next chapter is titled 'Friendship Ever After - A Doll Musical'. As if it could be anything else but friendship, since any other relationships than platonic ones would outshine and force the author's idea of sisterhood to crumble and wither into dust. One or a handful of the creepypasta monsters we've already seen will trick Chara, but in no way make it her fault, and Frisk will try to impress a My Little Pony Human AU character or something like that, I guess.

YAT: 68
BTTP: 326
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ConcernedGamer
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Re: Inside Falls

Post by ConcernedGamer » Sat Dec 26, 2020 8:46 am

First off, I've managed remember that I had my fair share of disappointment with the author missing the opportunity to fit in the Inklings from Splatoon into a much more fun game of paintball in place of the mini-golf episode, so allow me a moment to sigh about that. Anyway, I also recall my grievances with this fanfic to involve how the author misses the point of the episodes she is butchering with her substitution frenzy in other ways. Rather than taking the inspiration of the conflicts, she idealizes the relationships and injects cop-out excuses for the same kind of events to happen. I expect the same here, more so than anything else. The episode of Sock Opera highlighted how Dipper was willing to prioritize Mabel's wishes because one of her cruxes is her own selfish pursuits, and thereby providing her own development upon acknowledging that at the climax of the added conflict. And since Frisk and Chara can't have one single speck of blame fall on them, I expect this episode to be infuriatingly quaint. Here's Chapter 24, Friendship Ever After: A Doll Musical.

In the library of Inside Falls...

"It is finally the great day,Frisk.",Chara spoke with a victorious voice,as she pulled out of her backpack the laptop the amalgamates of the bunker gave to Asriel. "Asriel managed to fix this laptop. If this works...we'll finally find out who was the author of the books,and with that,all the mysteries of Inside Falls will be as clear as the day. You're ready?"

Hey, moron, how about you asked the relocated and actually cooperative amalgamates who the author is?

"Yes.",Frisk answered with a determined smile,cracking her fists. "Lets do this."

Chara opened the screen of the laptop,and it began to power up. "This is it...this is finally it!",Chara joyfully spoke,as the loading bar within the slightly simplist screen finished loading,and a welcome screen displaying a inverted symbol of 'X above an O' formed.

You don't have an original bone in your body, author, leading me to believe you don't even understand why the canon laptop had a logo of an upside down triangle, with you seemingly assuming it was an intentionally inversion of the Bill Cipher imagery everywhere. Unless Garnet's inter-dimensional portal is shaped like four slices of pie, what the fuck are you doing?

"YES! Bah,pah-pah-pah,twin power!",the two twins gleefully cheered as the laptop worked out with no apparent illness.

Aside from the bot that's evidently writing this trash for them, that is.

...but of course,nothing involving the great puzzle of the author's mystery was going to be easy,as the two Dreemurrs saw a screen with red text spelling 'ACESS BLOCKED',and afterwards,a green screen to insert a password of eight digits.

Even with the words on the screen while you watch the episode and write this, author, you flounder to the point where I have to ponder whether the thing you are missing is a better keyboard, a spell checker, or eyes.

"...SHOOT! It always need to be difficult when it involves the mysterious author...",Chara remarked with a pretty annoyed voice.

You felt you added so much flavor with that thought that you had to have someone reiterate it out loud a sentence later to make it even better, author?

"Don't worry,big sis. If we combine our determinations,we shall reach somewhere very deep.",Frisk comforted Chara with a sweet smile. "Look,I'll go into the bookshelves to see if I can find any kind of word that'll work,ok?"

Let me guess, to avoid the blame of becoming distracted like Mabel did, you have to stumble upon the interruption and be accidentally roped into something because of how much of a pathetic twit you are. I could almost say that this story writes itself, but that would contradict the fact that the author relies on the fact that it has already been written!!

"Okaaay...",Chara nodded with a thoughtful voice,as Frisk sprinted towards the nearbiest bookshelf for books focused about codes that had less than eight letters,but no luck.

It would also be a fruitless endeavor as you are looking for a password of exactly eight letters, numbskull.

As she went towards the bookshelf on the left side,however,she accidentaly stumbled with someone,making them drop their belongings: a bunch of adorable plastic dolls with yarn clothings.

"AAAH! S-sorry...here,let me pick them foooooooooooor...",Frisk began to apologize,quickly picking up the dolls for the person,until she looked upwards to see the person face-to-face and stopped speaking. The person who dropped the dolls was a pale-skinned girl with blonde hair with a red headband,blue dress with short and white sleeves,a pink ribbon on her neck,white sockets and black shoes.

Having Frisk give this new anime knockoff character an elevator look like this must mean true friendship at first sight, right?

"Aw come on! This again?!",Chara spoke with a disbelief tone as Frisk went in a daydreaming mode. "And just after she was mourning Kirby's departure!"

You are so bad at translating your piss poor friendship substitutions for your stolen topic of heartbreak over lost crushes, author, just give it up.

"...What is she talking about?",the blonde girl asked to Frisk as the latter helped the former pick up the dolls with yarn clothing.

"She's just...my sister who's a bit angry at my tendency of trying to get friends.",Frisk tried to explain in a non-suspicious way as she handed back the dolls.

Unless you want me to ignore the words you write, author, with you presenting Frisk to not have made a single friend before this story started, and her ashamed way of preventing the attention on Chara's bile, how else am I going to interpret your hellish display of an abusive family relationship?!

"But anyways,greetings and I am Frisk. What's your name?"

"Alice Margatroid. Nice to meet you.",the blonde presented herself with a pretty calm expression.

Oh no.

Image

A Touhou character. If you don't know what Touhou is, it doesn't matter, because when did canon knowledge ever matter in this fanfic? She is a powerful magician that uses dolls as her minions, that's all I'll bother mention. But here she will be a puppeteer that Frisk will try and befriend, so what would be the point of me even looking into this character any further, just to figure out how the author misuses the source material in every single way? By now, that's just assumed by default.

"Your dolls are pretty cute...I wonder why they don't make theater play's with those kind of dolls.",Frisk complimented with a tender,toothy smile.

Holy non-sequitur-that's-going-to-justify-this-chapter-having-the-same-plot-as-the-canon-episode, Batman!

"Its probably because they aren't appealing...",Alice quietly said,with a sad frown that awoke a quiet pity on Frisk's part.

If you could stop embarrassing yourself, author, search 'Marionette Theater' online, and throw in 'Bob Baker' if you want the top shelf goods, and then waddle back to your drawing board and make a new plot, please and fuck you.

"I think they are pretty appealing for every kind of public.",Frisk tried to comfort Alice. "In fact,I would probably do a show with those kinds of dolls and think on every music...a musical,yeah. I would do a musical play with those dolls."

"Hmmm...alright. Tell me when the play gets done.",Alice spoke with a more happy smile before finally walking away with her dolls. ...Unfortunately,she didn't realize Frisk didn't exactly promise to make a musical play about plastic dolls.

Except that's what she did to the degree that Alice has expressed acceptance of, when both are phrasing their words like that, author. Frisk said she would probably do a show, and Alice asks to be told when it is being done. Neither signed a verbal contract, so Frisk has no expectations put of her. And it went exactly as I expected, too.

Meanwhile,Chara had already tried seven passwords,all of them unsucessful,and making a pretty annoying 'BEEP' after each failure. "Grrrrr...",Chara angrily growled,before noticing her little twin sister sitting besides her. "Oh...how you and 'Alice' are doing."

You commented on her yourself and was never mentioned to move to or from any vicinity, Chara. How do you manage to even have privacy in this omniscient, four-dimensional void you all live in?

"S-she thinks I'll really do a musical play about plastic dolls.",Frisk explained with a trembly,panicked tone. "You know,with original compositions,plot,special effects...she'll think I'm a liar if I don't do it at least on Friday or Saturday..."

She'll think you are an overachieving perfectionist because literally no such detail was ever established since she left before you made up those facts, you delusional dunce. You are worse than an amateur, author, because amateurs actually attempt the things they fail to properly accomplish. You just pretend you even made the effort.

"Frisk,its not because she sees you as a liar that I will see you as a liar.",Chara tried to explain. "You know destiny isn't forcing you to be everyone's friend,right?"

"...yes but...I wanna do this so at least I won't be known as a liar...",Frisk said to Chara with pretty adorable pleading eyes. "I swear I'll help you with everything I can..."

Who the hell cares? It's on Touhou girl whether she misunderstood or not, and Frisk literally has no goal to achieve aside from continuing to live her naïve idyllic dream of being able to never disappoint anyone ever. The author is literally cockblocking the initiative of character development with this plot-thread, and making Frisk even more selfish for it. At least the excuse of doing things for love is admirable, but Frisk just doesn't want to feel bad for thirty seconds because of a stranger she can't even have labelled a 'friend' yet.

"*sighs* Fiiine...",Chara finally gave in,which made Frisk happily squee and hug her. After the two broke down the hug,Chara closed off the laptop and began to carry it trough its handle. "I feel we are getting pretty close to the answer. Actually,close to something shocking...",Chara said to Frisk as the two twins got up and leaved the library. Sadly neither of them could see ten shadows of a familiar group of dream demons stalking them with gleeful smiles...

Yeah yeah, they are here, whatever, big shocker, everyone reading this knew how this scene went six chapters ago. The true shocking revelation is that the author must think that telepathy is necessary in the cartoons she watches, for characters to know the things that happen out of frame. She had nothing in Frisk and Alice's exchange involve any info for them to ever meet again, because Frisk didn't even get to tell Alice where she lives in Inside Falls!

---

In thursday...

Trough the previous days,Chara helped Frisk trough the doll show while Frisk helped with some words she found on her older twin sister's books. But while Frisk's play was almost done,Chara's chances of finding the correct password looked like they decreased and decreased after every error,

That's not how chances work when you eliminate wrong answers, but whatever, it's not like she can figure it out when the canon plot needs her not to, right?

making Chara take the challenge of trying to guess the correct password in the night-time...for no luck as well. Now,Asriel and Lapis (and a bit of Temmie as well) were also giving a hand on the play of Frisk.

"Now I got a idea for the name of this play: Friendship Ever After: A Doll Musical.",Frisk explained to the group,making little dramatic motions with her hands. "Its going to be a magic adventure about you all,me,and my new friend,saving a magic land that can be acessed trough a magic mirror. ...that is a good plot,right?"

Sound exactly like a wish-fulfillment Mary Sue self-insert story. Oh no, did the author not understand those were the flaws of Mabel's play?!

"Well,yeah. Not everyone has that level of creativity.",Chara complimented with a friendly smile,before sneezing because of a piece of yarn that got stuck on her nose.

"Yeah,I agree with Chara. Creativity to write a good song is also worth living.",Lapis added into Chara's compliment.

If I repeated that sentence after whatever lyrics the author has made up later in this chapter, it would be considered a scathing remark.

"Evil,you can try everything you want~",Frisk began to sing one of the compositions she wrote for the play. "But no matter what,the power of victory is the power of-"

"FRIENDSHIP!~",everyone in the room sang along with Frisk,right in the moment Grauntie Pearl was about to walk in carrying a cup of grape juice on her hand.

"Yeah...musical spirit. Not weird at all.",Pearl said in a non-impressed tone of voice and wearing a very bored face.

The fact, that you actually didn't just go for a bit of clever meta-humor and have Frisk do a puppet show based off of Steven Universe, since Pearl herself will have a puppet in it, is an even greater disappointment to me, author. I'd even have let you use their intro song.

In the evening...

While Frisk carefully placed the dolls made with the resemblance of her family,friends,and her newest friend (Alice) in a empty box card,Chara tried again another eight letters word for the password...but no luck.

"Come OOOON!!! I even forgot how many I just tried this week!",Chara furiously cried,before collapsing in her bed and grunting.

Congratulations on self-serving incompetence opposing your established character traits that will do nothing and never be valid either, because you could have been staring at the screen all this time doing nothing, and we'd still arrive at this point.

"...Could you try to get some sleep? You barely sleeped this week...and you almost eat up your jumpers.",Frisk suggested to Chara,with a tad bit of worry for her older sister's health. And in fact,Chara was once more eating up her jumper before spitting it out.

Why was she doing that? Well, because the author forgot to include her reason in the dialogue, that's why.

"Just one more try...and then I'll go to sleep.",Chara promised with herself,still holding strongly on her determination to guess the correct password.

Honestly, author, you are wearing out the worth of that word. It has joined the pile of trite canon references that mean something else than it originally did. And trust me, just being determined to crack a password is not going to help anyone much, if you can't even prove to me they can type out the alphabet.

~~

Chara climbed off the roof of the Crystal Shack,leaving behind her hoodie,to try and guess the password alone without bothering her little sister's sleep. But she still got alot of failures thanks to her more sleepy state,and the 'BEEP' noise that followed each failure began to sound even more annoying.

"That sound is making me go insane!",Chara angrily remarked,as she began to punch up the keyboard. "If,I,could,I,would,go,DIRECTLY-INTO-YOUR-CIRCUITS-TO-STOP-THIS-NOISE!!",Chara continued,her fury increasing,until she yawned,her wish to sleep getting on the top of her perseverance.

You are a blowhard with hair-trigger outbursts, a far cry from any actual child protagonist that can show a little bit of stalwart ability of endurance, and an insult to what the author wants you to replace. And I can only conclude you earn these traits from substitution-decay, where the author can figure out no better dialogue to force into your mouth, but must have you say something so your lips match their movements up to Dipper's.

"There must be someone from whenever side or plane that must know the answer!",Chara said in a thoughtful voice...but she would regret in the future say those words,because just after she spoke them,she didn't feel drowsy anymore.In fact,she felt full of energy again,which would've been positive,if she didn't begin to feel slightly startled and...scared.

Run-on sentences is the least of your problems, author, but one tends to notice when it rambles enough to involve both past, present, and future.

A gust of wind blowed around her,carrying the leaves. Ten shadows creeped from the woods,carefully watching Chara with menacing eyes.

Right, the second-hand, quantity-over-quality, spooky-meme over-saturation brigade. I have no idea what the author was thinking dumping this lot in here. I suppose she thinks they are scary. Some of them have some interesting, impressionable, and disturbing backgrounds, I suppose. It's a shame then, that she can't actually convey that fear, thinking like with everything else all her effort in this non-crossover is to drop in a name and have the rest take care of itself.

Chara turned back to look at the shadows,and their forms grew clearer and clearer,as a blinding light invaded Chara's vision. When the light faded away,the world was covered in shades of gray...and standing in-front of Chara,there was the Zodiac Demons,each holding a pretty respectful pose of their own.

Uhuh, yeah, they are here as you say, but how many are actually going to have individual speaking roles? I am almost wanting to call creepy-pasta tokenism on this trash.

"You called into the unknown and we came to you.",

"Your suspiciously poignant and candid utterance beckoned us forth, though we were already sort of here, so whatever, I had to say something."

Zalgo spoke with a trace of guileness on his voice,as Chara was taken over by shock...and anger.

And you couldn't even deliver on the fear you told us she had for about a nano-second, author.

She managed to recognize the group of demons that attacked the mind of Grauntie Pearl and (in her head) sort of helped Peridot throw her family into the mud by making them vulnerable...

Me on the other hand, I don't think I could recall them all unassisted to save my life, and barely anyone could. It will only prove my point when the author decides she needs to list them all off so the readers can catch back up.

"YOU!",Chara spoke,pointing her finger towards the group with one hand as tears of fury rolled down from her eyes.

When someone asks for a character with emotional range, they aren't demanding the extremes of an intercontinental ballistic missile, author. You are describing what satirists would put in to ridicule your take on emotional incontinence right now, and I should know!

"Yes,its us!",the Zodiac Demons greeted Chara with just warmth and politeness on their voices,which didn't help in nothing on the 12-years old's rage.

It did enhance her double negatives a tad bit, though.

"You helped Peridot and tried to invade Grauntie Pearl's mind! You tried to hurt my cousin and my SISTER! YOU MONSTERS!",

"Only I get to do that!"

Chara continued,her rage just getting hotter,as she prepared her open fist for a punch...a punch that was effortlessy stopped by one of Zalgo's long fingers.

"My Buttercup Flower,that is not the kind of mood I like seeing you in.",Zalgo said in a cold tone,frowning and looking down in a threatening way towards Chara,who stared back with a furious face.

Is he trying to endear her with that nickname, or is he appropriately addressing her as toxic, author?

"We were just working for Peridot gemstone,ma'am.",Kagekao explained with the white side of his mask displaying a black,disappointed face,as he made the peace sign with his hands. 仕事 (A job)."

We get it, author, you can use Google Translate, now can you give a reason why you have your borrowed grimdark creepy-pasta monsters act like they are from a slice-of-life comedy anime?

"Your lack of respect sincerely made us entirely heartbroken.",Slenderman said to Chara with a indifferent tone of voice.

Jokes on you, her respect is clearly reserved for something that isn't in this fanfic.

"OH! I got a better one...she made us heart-splattered.",Laughing Jack spoke,as he literally reached out to his heart and pulled a hologram-looking heart of realistic look.

You seem to have mistaken something in your creepy-pasta manual, author. It's supposed to be the eyes that look hyper realistic.

"PffffffFFFFFFFFFFT!! OH MY GOD,THAT WAS PURE GOLD!",X crackled,hugging his belly. The rest of the Zodiac Demons,excluding Zalgo,also laughed and clapped at the monochrome clown's joke,

What joke? He said the word 'heart' and showed one, that's about it. Had he made a pun about Chara being heartless while pretending to rip her heart out with that effect, he'd be funny, if not also correct.

growing even more delighted as he smahed the holographic heart with his hands,splattering alot of blood that soon faded over Chara's feet. Chara,of course,was terrified by this sight,even trough her anger towards the creatures and what they did to her family still persisted.

Casper the Friendly Ghost was scarier than this.

"My friend is a good jokester,ain't he?",Zalgo asked Chara in a proud tone of voice,which just made Chara become further scared.

You mean to say that it dawned on her that this is where this fanfic sets its bar for humor, right?

"Well,as my friends have fun,I will talk a bit more seriously with you...",Zalgo spoke,

"As the author now proves that ten demons can't fit inside this narrative, yada ellipses yada."

in a more serious and...weird tone of voice as he slightly graciously kneeled down in front of Chara and laid his hands over the girl's shoulders,as she tried to protect the laptop and keep it from the demon's reach the most far she could.

"I've been watching you since you,Red Heart and Rainbow Star beated us.

I'm trying to force myself to even recall any context outside the possibility of a single episodes' forced clothing paraphernalia for those nicknames, and I'm drawing blanks, which is a shame since the author will clearly never repeat it were it even the case.

And I'm impressed about how you can be so determined...brave and...sometimes,beautiful.",Zalgo said,and the compliment's,coupled with the expression,made Chara become very uncomfortable.

Coming from this guy, I wouldn't consider those words to be compliments, Chara.

"I really like you but...it so sad you try so hard,but you can't find no answers for you many questions.",Zalgo continued,before chuckling from under his throat and crying and wiping a single,transparent-looking and red tear. "It must be unbearable to be you."

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You even milk your personality-bereft villain stand-ins for pity points, so you can elevate your Mary Sue and continue to perpetuate the notion that she has a dramatic existence, author. Shameless is such a barren word for your desperate attempts to characterize Chara through no positive act of her own.

He can't be feeling sympathy for me...,Chara thought,as she observed the quickly fading tear and felt it looked...too fake to be a genuine tear.

What, that thing that the author never went out of her way to describe as looking real seems fake? What gave you that idea, oh master of deduction, able to see through a half-assed illusion that only serves to make you look clever via passive observation?

"But don't worry,I'll make the kindness fo helping you...",Zalgo resumed with a more tender tone on his voice. "All you need to do is make a job for me...and then we will talk more.",Zalgo finished,as he removed one of his hands from Chara's shoulders and ignited it with a un-harmful but hot flame of red and orange color.

"...NEVER!",Chara finally yelled,shocking Zalgo and interrupting the rest of the Zodiac Demons,

Oh yeah, let's just have the near omnipotent dream demons balk in surprise and shock at the twelve-year-old loudly denying their deceitful offer. I was just about to comment on how Zalgo and the rest of the monster mash here doesn't work as replacements for a trickster trying to weasel in a deal, too. Bill knew he was not considered trustworthy, author, that's the point of beguiling Dipper and casually dismissing his resentment, you dumbass. But the majority of your empowerment fantasies through Chara seem to merely entail lending credence to her childish, emotional outbursts, even when presented to beings whose individual abnormal existence should render them incapable of shock!

who began to talk in different tones of surprise about her 'lack of politeness'. "I'm not foolish enough to fall into your tricks. I and the others defeated you! Remember?!"

"Let me handle this,boys and girl.",Zalgo spoke to his fellow dream demons before they could use their reborn rage to cause more damage.

You call the utterances found at a dinner party where someone doesn't know how to use a salad fork rage?

"...fine,my Buttercup Flower. If you want to play the tough girl,I'll not give you the clue for now. But don't worry,I'll be sure to personally visit you the next time so we can settle this once and for all. I'll give you just. One. More. Chance."

One more chance at the literally empty promises you are making, since you haven't actually told her what you are going to help her with?

"One. More. Chance.",the other Zodiac Demons repeated,making the same 'one hand on the hip and the other hand's pointer finger in the air' Zalgo made when he clarified he wouldn't insist on making Chara take the deal a third time.

Choreography, how spooky. Imagine how these pretend fiends had to rehearse this shit like the cheerleader squad they are, since I highly doubt their egos would allow each other to control their own movements.

Chara began to think carefully on what she could do to get over the situation she was finding herself in: she was trying to guess the password to the laptop,one of the closest thing she could find belonging to the author besides the mysterious book and the secret bunker,but her sister couldn't help her too much.

Uhm, dream vision to Chara, there's ten demons in front of you and you just decided to exposit 'My Immortal'-style on things we already know.

Now,she was being offered a tip in trade of a job.

Only a tip, mind you, a helpful hint, not the actual password or any further assistance, I mean that would be an offer that couldn't be refused if that was the case.

She already knew dealing with a demon wasn't the smartest of the ideas,unless this was a last-resort option,so,how she-

"AAAH,LET ME GO!",Chara yelled,as the Zodiac Demons grabbed her as easily as grabbing a marble ball,and threw her to the ground. ...but there was no ground. Just a endless abysm of loneliness that she kept falling...falling...

A pity she wasn't thrown into one of those crowded abysses for no reason or prompt at all, then. This must be some 4D chess tactic to better convince her to trust these demons enough to take their offered help.

Before she could actually find out what actually had inside the deep bottom of the abysm,she woke up with a literal jump that made her fall of the roof and scratch herself alot rolling on the ground.

You are rather abusive, author. Both against the English language, and your characters that you keep trying to force into pain, that rather than evoking rules of slapstick are purely turned into momentary suffering akin to a martyr complex on demand, which has no narrative effect other than evoking the impression of "this character's life is pain, be impressed".

It was the sunrise of Friday,the earliest day the play 'Friendship Ever After: A Doll Musical' would play off.

~~

Inside the Crystal Shack...

"Look,Grauntie Pearl. Its you!",Frisk said to Pearl,while showing to her the plastic doll built to her likeness.

"Oh. Hello...myself?",Pearl awkwardly greeted the doll built on her likeness. "She is kind of lovely actually."

"Oh, and look, she is dressed exactly like I was in any of the different ways I've been described throughout this fanfic, too."

"*yaaaawn* Hey Grauntie Pearl...*yawn* Hey Frisk...",Chara came in and greeted her great aunt and her twin sister. However,her eyes,who had already a hint of dark eyebags before,got even bigger eyebags than before.

Nice going noting why they shouldn't notice anything out of the ordinary about her looks, and the fact that they don't care in general, author

"O-oh my god! What happened to your sleep?!",Pearl gasped in shock,looking down at Chara's giant and dark eyebags.

"Chara...you should've taken some sleep.",Frisk said to Chara with a mix of worry and disappointment,before brightening up to a smile. "If you want to,you can drink some of my new invention: Frisk Drink.",

Disclaimer: Any resemblance or comparison to Mabel Juice is purely intentional.

Frisk continued,before picking up and showing a blender with a lavender liquid. "...actually,mixing grape juice with coffee and milk wasn't a half-nice idea."

"Wasn't a half-nice idea?!",Pearl said with a very indignant. "Its the perfect mathematical equivalent of nightmares,mud and coffee combined together!!!"

"...Ok? S-sorry...",Frisk apologized to Pearl as Chara began to push her into the living room.

Why is every joke being repurposed by the author as a vehicle for her to demonstrate how she doesn't understand human interactions and has no sense of humor herself? Frisk presents herself to have arrived at the starting point of the original joke, instantly doubts her own decision of how she got this far in typical self-deprecating fashion, gets chewed out over it by an extremely exaggerating Pearl for having arrived at the concept that was meant to be funny, and Frisk then acts the ever apologetic oaf. Five points on the BTTP for this contrived shit, as the author is not even realizing it's pure cringe!

"Frisk,this time you gotta listen to me...its something very serious.",Chara explained to Frisk,which made the latter look to the former straight into the face. "Ok...last night,I dreamed with the Zodiac Demons."

"Zodiac Demons? You mean those guys and girl with...these things?",Frisk asked,before making different motions to represent Zalgo's pair of horns,Slenderman's tentacles,Jeff's glasgow smile,X's spiked back fur,Lost Silver's cap,Laughing Jack's nose,Sally's long hair,Kagekao's mask,Eyeless Jack's...eyeless mask,and Ben's elf ears,all in a quite fast pace.

Well that was in no way a forced and contrived way for the author to serve up the only distinguishing traits of those bozos for her readers, rather than having these things be described when we see them. Also, author, genius idea to pick out two characters named Jack for this lineup.

"Yeah,those ones.",Chara nodded with a slightly tired smile. "Zalgo,the one with the horns,promised to give me the password to the laptop if he made me do a job. Pfft,like I...*yawn*,trust him or any of the others."

What happened to it being a tip?

"You won't need the help of a bad guy. I'll be here to help you this time...I hope.",Frisk spoke while resting one of her hands on Chara's shoulder. "I hope that'll be the case because I've been getting help to do my doll play."

"Help?",Chara said,with some confusion,because she never saw anyone outside the Crystal Shack helping with Frisk's play (and besides,she didn't see almost anyone from outside the Crystal Shack anyway,since she was too busy trying to crack the password from the laptop).

No, author, she has been busy helping in the day, which is why she is losing sleep at night. Are you following along with neither the canon nor your own fanfic?

Chara and Frisk went to outside the Crystal Shack to meet with Frisk's friends,Connie and Amethyst,who were both carrying a box full of unclothed dolls and pieces of dolls. While Connie was wearing a friendly and more normal smile,Amethyst was wearing a...friendly but very silly smile.

Don't bother wondering "Oh, why does she have a silly smile?" as, in short, she doesn't, because it has no justification that will be mentioned, as the author felt she had to write something and she did.

"Your play has a script very better than the latest book I readed.",Connie said to Frisk while adjusting her glasses.

By virtue of your displayed sense of writing, author, that's saying a lot, but not the things you want it to say.

"Good job on the songs,Fri! ...They're fixed on my head like bubblegum.",Amethyst congratulated Frisk with a thumb up.

Is that a saying where you live, author, or are you just playing fast and loose with language in general?

"...Oh,hey Alice!",Frisk greeted Alice,who was behind both Connie and Amethyst,quietly hiding on the bushes and hugging one of her dolls.

Oh hey, the person you or anyone you know could just walk up to and explain the misunderstanding which is your only motivation for doing all of this to. I honestly can't tell which one of you dingbats is the greater weirdo.

"Uhm...hi...Frisk.",Alice greeted back with a slight shyness. "And Frisk's sister and...Frisk's friends,apparently."

"Woah,seems like Frisk got a new friend!",Amethyst spoke with a slow and slight teasing tone.

Frisk and Alice, sitting in a tree, F-R-I-E-N-D-S-H-I-P. What the fuck is the matter with this author's view on this topic, so much so that now people gets teased for obtaining an acquaintance?!

"Welcome to the boat of fun!"

Is all of this nonsense derived from the author misunderstanding what 'shipping' means?

"あなたはとても幸運な女の子です。 幸運にも、私は思います。‚(You are a very lucky girl. Good luck,I guess.)",Connie said with a encouraging smile to Frisk...unfortunately,her friend couldn't understand japanese,so she couldn't understand her encouragement.

Having me assume you don't get the actual joke you ruined would be insulting both your intelligence and mine, author. This is another highlight-worthy instance of your substitution addiction resulting in you just making no effort and crapping out anything you think you can make fit, even if it makes no sense in your forged context. Connie - even this version you crafted - is not Japanese. Candy Chiu spoke Korean in this scene because that's her probable descent, and so the joke was that she through subtitles openly displayed to the audience her covert jealousy and intent to claim for herself the latest dream boy Mabel had set her sights on. And here you have Connie give pointless and half-assed encouragements that falls flat, because it's delivered in her own second language of choice that she should know Frisk doesn't speak. Your characters are morons that you are forcing through an improvised script, that I couldn't believe you thought up more than five minutes prior to writing it down!

"W-well...*awkward laugh* the play will be done tonight. The music is going to be great...the compostions...special effeeeects...",Frisk awkwardly said,hiding her face on her shoulders and poking her pointer fingers.

"That is great. I hope you really have the spirit of a doll lover. See you in the show.",

I am really doing my best here to not snicker and put in an age-inappropriate joke, when considered the company present for those two words you decided to put next to each other, author.

Alice replied to Frisk before giving to her a wink plus smile and walked away with some gracious jumps. Frisk,taken over by a lot of panic,began to chew her own nails,afraid of disappointing her new friend.

This is an axiety disorder that you are having Frisk display, author. Therapy and medicine should be this kid's first concerns to even deal with her daily life after having acquired just Connie and Amethyst to her previous nonexistent friend circle, with this delivery. If this was how demanding normal friendship goals were, people would have a mental breakdown when merely considering the topic of romance!

"Don't worry,the dolls are enough resistence to support my strenght!",Amethyst comforted Frisk with a self-secure voice,as she holded by the arms a doll made with her likeness. But her argument was soon inverted as the two arms of the doll got ripped off and the doll felt to the ground.

"I couldn't find unclothed dolls of monsters,so I was forced to improvise.",Connie explained,as she showed to Frisk a doll body with many glued socks and a pair of menacing eyes,all of that fixed with glue. And one of the socks was detaching itself from the doll body.

This is not telling jokes, author. This is not even retelling jokes that you stole. This is having your characters retell the jokes they were supposed to live out and delivering the punchline and setup out of order. Do you read joke books like they were manga?!

"AAH!",Asriel's voice screamed,and the trio of girls turned around to see a slightly worried Lapis staring at a mountain of objects and acessories with Asriel's hands sticking out. "My fur is trapping itself everywhere!"

"Oh nooo! I have to fix everything before tonight!",Frisk worriedly screamed,but before she could reach the mountain of objects to help Asriel and Lapis pile it up,she was grabbed straight on the arm.

"Frisk,why you aren't keeping the promise?!",Chara asked,both shocked and annoyed Frisk was now giving greater importance to a 'silly theater play' than to a piece of the answer to the Inside Falls town's greatest mystery. "Don't tell me you're more worried in not lying to your new friend than solving the mysteries of the town with me!"

"Chara...I'm not the only one on a bad state...you are in a bad state as well!",Frisk worriedly spoke back,pointing at the big eyebags on her eyes. This made Chara give a big breath and un-grab Frisk's arm.

Yeah, and that's because of you, Frisk. Author, having your self-insert skin suits just confusingly go "I know what I am, but what are you" is not a feasible way of weaseling out of the blame you want Frisk to dodge for picking up Mabel's motivational patterns to justify the plot you stole. You are making Frisk come across like a manipulative little bitch.

"Fine...just,do your play. I'll solve it on my own.",Chara said in a 'I give up' tone before walking away some steps and...falling faceplant on the ground. She did this some more before entering back in the Crystal Shack...

---

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ConcernedGamer
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Re: Inside Falls

Post by ConcernedGamer » Sat Dec 26, 2020 8:48 am

Resuming mocking of Chapter 24.
In the attic...

"Think on a password...uuugh...passwordpassword...",Chara thought hard,before just giving up on thinking in a possible logical word and typing her thoughts. "Frisk. Needs. To. Help. Me.",Chara spoke and typed,the 'BEEP' noise following each type. Chara yawned again,the drowzy feeling invading her soul once more...

It's called being tired, drama queen. Have you tried to actually type in the word 'password yet'?

"THE LIMIT OF TIME-FREE TRIES WAS REACHED.

Can I even make a 'shareware' joke in this day and age?

ERASING DATA IN THREE MINUTES.",a femenine voice coming from the laptop snapped Chara of her dormant state,and a countdown displayed in a red box with a green text spelling 'ONLY ONE LAST CHANCE' on top of it appeared on the screen,and the countdown began to decrease on its own.

Earlier versions of this operating system needed for the user to count down for it, apparently.

"WHAT?! This can't be real! I just have one more chance?!",Chara spoke with panic,since there was no way she could find the correct password in a so short time-span. She was so busy shaking the laptop,in a desperate panic searching for a hope,that she didn't notice the attic room and the outside losing its colors and becoming shades of gray. She only stopped shaking the laptop when a pointy finger poked her shoulder.

If one things is believable, it's that Chara is certainly proven now to be dumb enough to be duped by horrifying demons, since this is her chosen approach.

"Heheh...I was right. I sincerely love to see you in deep panic,it makes you seem useless.",Zalgo said with a smug smile; curiously,no one of his fellow Zodiac Demons were behind him,just like how he promised.

"HEY!",Chara said,annoyed at how Zalgo was trying to shatter her just-a-good-bit-better self-confidence.

I could write a book on how warped you convey basic concepts, author. I am all for artistic expression, but I'm not here for your experimental poetry.

"Don't think I am joking.",Zalgo said,as he summoned his obsidian stick and inserted his hands over it like it was a unecessary support stick.

Cane or crutch, what does it even matter when the prop isn't here because the author decided he needed it?

"Like I said,I will give up the password...if you do me a job."

"Oh yeah,what kind of 'job'?!",Chara angrily asked,her lack of patience growing stronger. "Give you my soul?! Let you eat my flesh and bones?! That IS what monsters like you do,right?!"

Oh, I thought you maybe had an angle or something for using the word, author, but evidently neither you nor Chara knows what the fuck 'job' means. Favor is a nebulous word allowing for veiled manipulation in this situation, and you replaced it with something literally meaning 'task'.

"Relax,my sweet Buttercup Flower!~ I ain't that kind of monster.",Zalgo tried to chill down Chara with a more friendly-looking smile.

You know, the now six or so different types of monsters the author has used the word for, including Chara's cousin - I am in hell.

"All you need to do to me,is bring me a marionette."

This is not how semantics works, author. I can't imagine what sort of paranoid nightmare reading a terms of service agreement must be for you.

"Marionette?",Chara asked,confused about the verbiage. "Look,this Shack ain't got no marionettes,only plastic dolls."

Yeah, so go get him one. When were you the one in charge of Zalgo's demands, dummy?

After listening to Chara's explanation,Zalgo looked down at her with a mix of irritation and rage,like she was being dumb enough to not get what he meant to say,but just for some micro-seconds,because he soon switched to a more friendly,jokester smile.

Pompousness and dumbassery does not a villain make, author. I can't tell if Chara is serious, if Zalgo is serious, or if you are serious by this dialogue. Are they marionettes or not? If they are not, what's the point of Alice? If they are, why would Zalgo not address them as such? Is this just so you have to avoid actually touching a single word of the original dialogue by having the word 'puppet' escape Zalgo's mouth?

"Well,those will work as well! Anything works for me~"

"On second thought...Frisk worked really hard to made them,and she would never made one in your likeness...",Chara said her new thoughts,scratching the right side of her head.

"Do you think I only knew you since you ruined my group's plans?",Zalgo said,in a more serious,threatening tone of voice and frown. "NO. I watched you and your sister interacting before...and yes,she looks so sweet and defenseless...but she uses you. Do you remember any time she returned a big favor for you?",

You mean that looking the other way, when Chara in general seethes and uses violence and threats on everything around her, doesn't count?

Zalgo continued,turning his back to Chara,as his red cape began to show a reflection of three memories: Chara saving Frisk from the Slendytubbies,Chara wishing for the marble ball to go back in time and allow Frisk to win Temmie,and Chara sacrificing her job at the Inside Falls Space Park to save Kirby and appease Frisk.

...the three memories were just Chara doing something to help Frisk. Never anything selfless Frisk did to help Chara.

And contrasting this with the lens of friendship that the author seems to want to force on everything, Chara and Frisk are less than friends. I have to take a lot of things back on how I believed you viewed family, author. It's evident that you've sacrificed even your own desired sibling relationships wish-fulfillment on your alter of fanfic substitution, by not having Frisk apply her own standards on something that should be less important to her than what you want between the two.

Chara's eyes trembled of shock,she tried hard to think it was just a petty,manipulative lie,but it was real...Chara hastily turned her stare to the laptop,which was now in 34 seconds. She looked at the 'X above an O' shaped window,and saw Frisk happily playing with Connie and Amethyst.

You might want to mention that it's a vision, author, because you haven't exactly shown yourself as stellar at keeping context or scene changes straight.

...Frisk...was being selfish while trying to be nice...Chara refused to think Frisk was not unwittingly being selfish...

She literally put on a puppet show because she didn't want to feel bad, Chara, you really are slow on the uptake. The original moral and plot of this episode wasn't about selfishness, by the way, but self-sacrifice in the face of it, the willingness to put someone else's priorities in front of your own. Everyone makes selfish acts in the canon, and this author can't even properly prop that up now in her fanfic, because every instance where Mabel was selfish, the author has fudged the dice and made it excusable and beyond Frisk's ability to avoid doing. It's so infuriating that she now wants it three different ways when it is necessary for the plot.

"Time won't wait the betrayed thoughts heal,dear~",Zalgo quietly mocked Chara,extending his left hand towards Chara and igniting it on the same red and orange flame from before.

"F-fine! I'll give you one of the dolls!...just stop breaking my pride...",Chara pratically begged for emotional mercy as she offered her right hand.

"Hehehe...smart choice.",Zalgo praised Chara's choice as he shaked Chara's hand and both of the hands were surrounded by the hellish-looking flame. "Now,I already know which marionette...or better,doll,I'm gonna pick~ 🎵Ip dip dip,my little ship~ Sailing on the water,like a cup and saucer~ 🎵 But YOU ARE NOT IN IT."

And you couldn't even have Chara give the lead-in line to allow for your bullshit doll-replacement dialogue to make sense, author. Chara struck a deal to bring Zalgo a doll, not allow Zalgo to have or choose one in the fashion of Bill asking for a puppet. There wasn't any different manipulation tactics, a different thread to pull on for motivating Chara to strike a deal, and you even have ten different demons available to use, one of which I believe is an actual soulless puppet of their own, and instead you went with Zalgo the world-ender calling Chara a doll and reciting a counting-out game. I would have a more entertaining and coherent narrative if I read the transcripts of an artificial intelligence failing at the Turing test!

"Uh?!",Chara cried in confusion,before Zalgo began to violently but slowly pull her hand. It felt bloody painful, and British, for some reason, and it was like getting ripped out of her own flesh. The pain was strong enough to make her collapse and lose consciousness.

Pain for no other reason than shock value and having the readers feel sorry for her. I'd like to see your argument against that accusation, author, or do you think Dipper merely had the will and composure of a war veteran when this happened to him?

It took a long while to regain consciousness; even more than switching bodies with someone else in a electrical wardrobe.

Which even I remember was described as feeling like consciously counting a millions of years while unconscious.

And when she finally regained it,her vision was extremely blurry.

"Wake up~",Zalgo's voice called out,as Chara regained consciousness. And when she regained it,she saw herself...helping herself get up. However,when her other self looked straight at her...she didn't have her eyes or her expression. She had Zalgo's red,lizard-like yes and toothy,cruel-looking smile.

And no one is going to notice these details, even after having been able to detect this loser had increased her eye-bags by a few percent.

"W-what is going on?!",Chara screamed,scared and confused about why and how she was seeing herself with Zalgo's traces on her face. So,she decided to look at her own hands- and she realized they were transparent. ...it just feel a tad bit worse than switching her body with her twin sister and many other people.

What's with this sudden nostalgia you have for that previous chapter, author? Is it just because you have no imagination left to describe this sensation than by contrasting reference points?

"Oh,nothing is wrong. I just got rid of your panic.",Chara-no,Zalgo spoke,as he used Chara's physical hands to show a wrecked down,destroyed laptop. Then Chara screamed a big 'NO!' while Zalgo laughed in victory. "Heheh...your body is perfect. Those baggy eyes alongside this pretty cute blush is already a good first step to reach mine or my buddy's leagues.",Zalgo gloated,as he looked down at the mirror in the attic and pulled Chara's body eyelids.

Sure, whatever, we are halfway through the episode's plot, and two thirds through this fanfic chapter. Having one out of ten otherwise silent demons shower the protagonist in pointless platitudes, because the author can't even have Chara be insulted by her enemies, is easier to ignore with that in mind.

"You broke down the only thought I hoped to not be real and now you steal my body?! What the HEY!",Chara said,angry about being tricked with a emotional breaking truth just to give her body to a demon.

"You are pathetic if you believe I or the others would just sit around waiting for you to get the answers and get in our way.",Zalgo said wearing a smug face. "All I need to do now is destroy the book...and no answers will be left to you anymore.",Zalgo continued,sounding more threatening as he spoke...before he gave a intentional bad tip to the stairs and stumbled over it.

Oh that Zalgo and his stolen character traits. The accumulated damage Chara's body has gone through in this chapter is cartoonish, in a way that Gravity Falls avoided, mind you.

One advantage Chara managed to quickly find on her new ghost form is that she could cross walls,making it unecessary to hastily climb the stairs to reach her possesed body.

She also found that the nine other demons were doing nothing to her and will in fact never try to impede her or keep an eye on her.

Finally,she found Zalgo on the living room,who was chuckling over a pair of sunglasses of red base.

"Yeah-heh-heh. I look awesome.",Zalgo said as he gleefully wore the glasses on himself and turned around,already noticing Chara's presence. "Do I look awesome for you?"

"...No.",Chara said with a dry tone of voice and a pissed off face.

Alright, a ray of light appeared, having the demon actually covering up its abnormal traits. But do you know how low the bar has to have been set, in order for me to applaud the decision of having someone covering up their abnormal eyes, because I didn't believe you would even take it into consideration, author? Not that I believe you'll ever mention the glasses again or their purpose, but as long as you don't mention them ever again, there they are on Zalgo's face and can do that, regardless of your incompetent writing skills.

"Where's that little book,anyway?~",Zalgo said,as he began to open the drawers and slam his arms over it like it was no deal. Actually,he was enjoying feeling the pain of the human body with alot of glee.

How many 'by the way' justifications are you going to wedge in late, when all you are going to do is just outright tell us why through your own exposition, author?

"In secret. I hide it so monsters as rot as you won't find it!",Chara said to Zalgo,bulding up some bravery within herself,while the latter stroked the chin in a thoughtful smirk.

"Chara?",Frisk called out from the doorway,surprising both Chara and Zalgo. "Can I use your mystery book as the magic object the heroes have to save?"

Chara and Zalgo looked at each other,Chara's ghost face filled with horror,and Zalgo's face filled with malicious glee. "Of course,my dear sister~ But remember to give to me after the play."

"Thank you!",Frisk thanked with a jolly smile before going upstairs,to the place Chara always remarked to her to be the hideout of the mysterious book.

This repeated and by me many a time complained whitewashing is like a disease to your narrative, author. Frisk politely asking for the book instead of already dashing off with it like Mabel should be the prompt for Zalgo to go 'oh yeah, I'll bring it for you, by the way where did I put it?', you absolute moron.

"NO! Don't listen! He is manipulating you! Please,stop!",Chara cried and tried to call out for Frisk,but she didn't hear. She stood there,floating,horrified at finding the awful truth that the only one who could actually speak back to her was the demon that stole her body.

Nice to know the other nine chuckleheads are just forgotten window dressing by now, author.

"You are very stupid trying to interact with your 'home plane' without a vessel. ...and now you understand what I and my fellow demons dialy go trough.",Zalgo sourly and mockingly spoke to Chara.

"Howdy,Chara! We finally found you!",Asriel came in alongside Lapis and cheerfully greeted 'Chara',unaware that it was actually Zalgo within Chara's body.

"Hey,summer fun buddy.",Lapis chilly greeted 'Chara'.

I fail to see where the actual fun of this summer has been for this constant killjoy - Chara, and the author now that I think about it.

"Asriel! Lapis! Can you hear me?! HELP MEEE!",Chara tried to cry again for help,but still nothing happened as she just flied over Asriel and Lapis.

"Pearl is gonna drop us for some snacks and pick us back to watch the play.",Asriel explained while wrapping a arm around 'Chara'. "Golly,I can't wait to pick some fries!"

"Do you a idea of what you want?",Lapis asked to 'Chara' while offering her hand.

"Just staring at you is enough to make my day.",Zalgo spoke with a smug smile to Lapis as he accepted Lapis' gesture and walked alongside her and Asriel to Pearl's car and climbed over it,where also Frisk,Connie and Amethyst were taking a ride.

At least Zalgo knows how to sweet-talk a girl, but I didn't expect to find Chara suffering from NTR-stuff in this fanfic.

"Oooh,I'll find a way to stop you from destroying the book no matter what!...",Chara fiercely spoke to a Zalgo that comfortably rested on the backseat.

"Oh my dear,you just got one problem here...",Zalgo quietly said before quickly turning to his head to face Chara. "Y o u d o n t e x i s t a n y m o r e.",Zalgo slowly spoke before shouting a evil laugh and rolling up the window that reflected Chara's horrified expression. The car drived off while the ghost of Chara just watched in terror. She had to find the book the fastest she could...but who she could listen the help from?...

...Frisk. She had to enlist help from Frisk,no matter if she was consciously selfish or unwittingly selfish.

She's your sister, you dumb brat, that's why you should know you can always turn to her for help. Fuck off with your fake dilemma where you are still giving Frisk an out for her selfishness by again forcing it beyond her ability to do different, author. It is really obvious you are an only child, or at the very least live a life like one!

~~

In the afternoon...

After a long while of searching for the local theater,Chara finally found it. And surely,the name of the play that was about to begin was 'Friendship Ever After: A Doll Musical - By Frisk Dreemurr'. Chara immediately dashed inside the theater in time to look at Zalgo guiding Lapis and Asriel to their sits.

"Hey...I got a funny joke now.",Zalgo said to Asriel with a devilish smirk. "Want to know how and when you'll die? And how much its going to hurt?"

"...Chara,please. Not this kind of joke.",Asriel excused off,justifiably uncomfortable.

You really are making it easy for me, author, when you leave out the fact that Asriel and Lapis could potentially find this kind of utterance from her strange and unnatural. You are making this seem like an average, downplayed exchange between them by not presenting them to react in a joking fashion for the readers, for fuck sake.

"Thanks for coming back Pearl. And thanks for coming,Lapis,Asriel and Chara.",Frisk thanked her great aunt,friend,cousin and 'sister' while walking towards them.

"Of course I would come!...even trough I barely know what's gonna happen.",Pearl said with a tender smile that flattened to a face of genuine confusion.

"Hey,if you don't mind,my dear little sister...could I play some kind of statue that would give to the heroes the magic object? I can't get too far of that book.",Zalgo asked to Frisk with a sly voice.

"Let me just suggest a role for myself that I wouldn't know you could be in need of, how about that?"

"Of course,sis. There will be always a role open to you.",Frisk answered with a smile,before picking 'Chara's' hand and dragging 'her' to the backstage.

"Oh god,no! Frisk is in possible danger!...",Chara cried

No, she's not, the book is, which is why you rushed here in spite of the fact that she might be one type of selfish and not the other type of selfish. You are really ad hoc about your sibling relationship whenever you two are apart, to the point where your object permanence can be put into question.

before following Zalgo and Frisk to the backstage. But before entering for sure in the backstage,Frisk took a little peak trough the crowd and saw Alice...she had to not mess it up,she thought before entering in the backstage for sure. The lights flickered off.

"Alright folks,the show is about to start! No cellphones,unless its to text Big A!",Amethyst's voice announced trough a headphone,as the voices within the crowd lowered themselves off. The crowd applauded and the curtains opened,revealing the first act's set,which was a more beautiful and bright version of the Crystal Shack. A light shined over Connie,who was playing a violin and dressing up as a peasant from medieval Scotland.

If only the author could be ripping off Monty Python and the Holy Grail right about now, maybe finally some humor would enter this mess.

"Prepare your ears,because we shall sing about a girl,with a soul of determination,love,and friendship.",Connie spoke to the crowd,playing some notes on the violin,before being rolled out of the stage for the piece to start.

"How I should describe,what I feel and what I wish to bring,without sounding weird?

Why not you shall sing a song?

I don't know, maybe those two sentences in and of themselves proves why you shouldn't?

Thank you big best sister! Lets-i go!

🎵I may have absurd wishes,but I wish for best🎵

🎵I have the power of friendship right on my si-i-de🎵

🎵I would have a big golden heart on a hope chest🎵

🎵But I'll try to tell it in a way with-out pride🎵

🎵I dearly love my friends and family🎵

🎵If just I had more time to hang with them...🎵"

Some of the song actually rhymed this time, I can barely even believe it. Now, if only it wasn't outright exposited insistency of what the author wants people to perceive her character as - a literal author tract echo of eye-rolling, story-serving vomit - maybe I'd even consider it enjoyable.

In the other side of the backstage,Amethyst was holding up a clipboard containing most of the lines she was supposed to say to the crowd. Zalgo approached from behind her,wearing a vicarage outfit.

Is it too much to ask of you to use a thesaurus that has been updated since the nineteenth century, author?

"Hello,Ameteeth.",Zalgo greeted the girl with a normal smile attempt. "Where is the book and the stand I will use in my scene?"

"Right over there.",Amethyst answered,pointing to a giant stand made with a resemblance to a ancient ruin covered in roses. "But no touching! That will come right near the grand finale!"

"Oooohohoh okay! Thanks!",Zalgo said,at first with a big smile,as he walked backwards. "...little beast.",Zalgo hissed from under his teeth before walking away.

"Now that this prop is so easily within my reach within five seconds, I shall wait for the final act like in the canon because that's just how this story works, I guess."

"AME,where is Frisk?! Do you have any idea?!",Chara tried to call for Amethyst,but she was ignored like thin air. "...Zalgo is right. I can't interact with my original plane without a vessel. But...",Chara began to say,in a thoughful voice,before noticing a big pile of dolls and gaining a idea.

I can't believe I wasted all my meta jokes about this author using characters like puppets before this chapter. I'm nearly as starved for material as the author is for talent.

"Frisk: How we are going to cross this barrier without becoming dolls?

Chara: I don't know! I mean- if we sit in these chairs,we'll be dolls forever!

Omnious background voices: Forever...

Frisk,Chara,Lapis,Pearl and Asriel: Oh no! Is our journey over?!

(But in a smoke cloud,a sudden pile of dolls fill the chairs and fades away with the barrier.)

Frisk,Chara,Lapis,Pearl and Asriel: (GASP!) Who made those?!

(The curtains close as a dramatic music plays. Some gasps were heard in the crowd alongside cheers.)"

Apparently dolls like to play musical chairs to open barriers for people that may or may not have sat somewhere. How are you even going to tell that someone turns into a doll, when their roles are being acted out by dolls? You absolutely had to use the excuse to write in script format too, didn't you, author?

"Alright guys! Intermission,intermission!",Amethyst announced,calming down the crowd.

~~

"Oh god...why did I write so many tunes?! I'm starting to regret this decision...a bit...",Frisk said,the stress of performing as five different characters burning pretty hot on her mind. She turned on the water fountain to clean her face from the sweating and to calm herself down,but when she finished cleaning it,she noticed something right on the right side of her head: the doll she used to interpret Chara floating.

Sometimes I suspect even you have forgotten what your characters look like, since you feel no reason to play dress-up with these dolls, author. I was going to assume it was made out of a garbage bag either way, of course.

"Frisk?",Chara's voice called out from the door,which made Frisk scream in terror and fall back from her chair. "Frisk,its me,Chara!"

"C-chara?! But...I thought you were there with me and...",Frisk said,as she began to grow confused.

"No,that wasn't me. That was Zalgo! He tricked me into giving him my body,and now he will destroy the book if no one of us do something!",Chara explained,making dramatic motions with the hands of the doll. "Please,get the book before Zalgo! Please...couldn't you for now be a bit selfless? I don't want to be a doll or all eternity."

I don't know, Frisk, I am having a hard time imagining a better tradeoff right about now. She won't be able to get between you and the next friend that will give you a mental breakdown, and you won't fear her the next time she is in a foul mood like you usually do.

"Selfless...b-but...I've been selfish before?",Frisk asked to Chara,her confusion transforming into a worry.

"Yes...unintentionally,but you've been selfish. I'm really sorry to break this to you; even I refused to believe that.",Chara confirmed it for Frisk,who began to cry some tears of regret.

"Alright.",Frisk spoke,her voice raising back with determination. "But first,I'll tell you my plan."

Are you just intending to make your fanfic an emotional purgatory, author? You are putting your characters to the flames of their exaggerated sins so they can writhe a bit in agony and then never become better people from it afterwards. You aren't developing their characters, you are having them denounce their misconstrued actions while bursting into immature tear-fountains, before letting them continue on unchanged because of your script rehashing!

---

"Frisk: Oh my god! You are a master of dolls?

Alice: Yes. I am a master of dolls. And somewhat of a legend on this world."

"This plan sucks...",Chara commented to herself with some hint of bitterness. At least,the audience was approving her performance.

I know what you are writing, you know what you are writing, even the readers having read this far knows what you are writing, author, but you are actually not writing it. Without the visual context in fresh memory, no one knows in what way this puppet show is being performed or who is doing it and how.

Meanwhile,Frisk climbed trough the catwalk and ran to the giant hanging platform where the book was located.

Which is what and where it is now, apparently. Words are meaningless to this fanfic, the ones the author left in it even more so.

Thankfully,it remained untouched,just like how she left it. Frisk carefully climbed the edge and extended her hand to try and grab the book,but without luck. As her grip on the catwalk grew weaker,she falled inside the platform and it began to plummet down. Thinking she would probably die,she yelled and curled,but surprisingly,someone was pulling it back up.

I'm done pointing out the obvious for you, author. Feigning peril for your characters in situations that never implied it in the source material is just another hobby horse for you, pretending that your forced emotional or physical stakes can amp up your lackluster narrative of simpletons walking the dotted lines you drew for them. You are doing literally nothing with the material you have reserve for yourself, and are wasting everyone's time by pouring these predictable words together in the watered down mock turtle soup you call a fanfic.

"Frisk: I hope you can help us find Connie and Amethyst and defeat the wizard with the power of friendship!"

Chara: No problem. I happen to be great friends with Smith & Wesson.

"Oh boy...there must be something here about demon possesion!",Frisk said in a hurried tone as she picked the book and flipped trough its pages for no luck.

"I thought you didn't really 'care' about your old sister...",Zalgo's voice boomed out,and Frisk looked to see her very unexpected savior: Zalgo,wearing a large grin over Chara's face with glowing,red and lizard-like eyes. "I guess I was kind of wrong."

"You know, that turning point that'll start off this act's climax a minute from now? Yeah, let's just address that now and let it deflate like a lead balloon."

"Zalgo Chara! Zalgara.",Frisk spoke. Just after she speaked,Zalgo briefly released the platform,almost plummering Frisk down again,before catching up.

"Uh-oh...its gonna fall...hey,that's a beautiful book right there. Can you give it to me?",Zalgo softly mocked the scared but still determined Frisk.

"NEVER! Its from CHARA,not YOU!",Frisk yelled towards Zalgo. However,she gasped in shock when she noticed a little knife resting over the pant's pocket.

Oh no, a knife, that's totally more threatening than the sure plummet to her death the author tried to convince us she feared moments ago, and whatever possible threat to the play she has worked so much for in this entire chapter that still has no point.

"You. Stop acting like a liar to your friend. She didn't come here to see ruins,she came here to see glory.",Zalgo said,with a cold fury face,while pointing a finger towards Frisk with his free hand.

I'm sorry, are you trying to give Frisk a moral lesson? Did the author mix up your cue cards?

"Give it to me,or plays and heads will fall.",Zalgo continued,while threatening to pick the knife. Frisk,terrified about the possibility of being harmed,slipped off a little of the book so Zalgo could catch it. "Aaah,here. Be a good girl. You know...who would love her sister forever even if she was blindly selfish?"

Certainly not someone who would ask such a contrived and pointless question, as it has no relation to the context of what you said prior. Tommy Wiseau have better dialogue progression under his belt than you, author.

"...Chara would.",Frisk realized,

You mean, like, voluntarily?

before slipping off the book from Zalgo's reach with one hand and punching Zalgo with the other hand,forcing him to lose his grip on the rope. Zalgo,furious about being taken by surprise,jumped after the plummering girl.

"Pearl: Frisk. Chara. You two have to do it by yourselves. We will come if its necessary,but we all know you two have potential together. Right,Temmie?

Ah yes, the power of friendship, where your friends won't participate.

Temmie: hOi!

Wait,what?...oh boy!"

Temmie ran far from the front stage as she could and everything physically present on the stage,except the floor and Chara's doll,was destroyed on the crash,and the special effects were accidentaly activated.

Well, you heard it, folks. The kids died in a bloody heap. End of story.

In the middle of the ruins of the play,Frisk and Zalgo struggled furiously for the book.

"Get off my sister's body,you big mean tall demon!",Frisk yelled towards Zalgo as she pulled more strenght in the book.

"Wait...how that escalated so quickly!?",Pearl said in a mix of shock,panic and even more confusion.

It usually depends on how lazy the author is feeling near the end of these chapters.

"CHARA,FRISK,WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING!?"

Finally,Frisk managed to snatch the book from Zalgo,and tripped him using her feet before running to another point of the stage.

"You are FOOLISH if you think you can stop me! I AM A PURE BLACK MATTER ENERGY DEMON,WITHOUT FLAWS!",Zalgo roared furiously before snatching the knife from the pocket and tackling Frisk.

"I'm an eldritch being so far beyond your comprehension, and I'll shank you like a common thug to prove it to you!"

"A-ah!...you may be right but...Iknoweveryweaknessofmysister!",Frisk replied,slightly trailing off her speech because of her fear of beng stabbed. "Poke!",Frisk spoke before poking the neck of Chara's body.

"GAH! What is that weapon,and why its so powerful?!",Zalgo said,falling on the floor in a humilhating way while holding Chara's body's neck.

Oh no, a jab in the neck, clearly only something Chara is weak to - what? Are you trying to tell me Frisk has a pressure point stunner she can pull on her twin sister, author?

"And also,I'll outrun you,because Chara didn't sleep well these nights.",Frisk spoke to Zalgo before running around in circles on the stage. "Frisk Drink may taste half-bad but it gave me energy,something your body is lacking!"

"What...is going on with me...",Zalgo said,as he began to feel a taste of the feeling of tiredness.

He sensed a sense of sensing, too.

"I an't...give you...damn you useless SACK!...I...am...burning..."

Finally,as Chara and Frisk watched,Zalgo collapsed,and was thrown out of Chara's body. Chara floated the fastest she could to 'reconcile' with her body. Opening up her real eyes once more was a very welcoming feeling.

"Yes,we did it!",Chara happily cheered,before her laugh was substituted by a low groan of pain. "Ouch...it feels like my body was thrown around like a ragdoll."

Which is really opposing how the author had already milked pity by putting you through the grinder of physical misery before Zalgo got to you, of course. Just wait until the author makes Frisk perform the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart technique on your body next chance she gets.

Zalgo's voice began to crackle,and the twins looked around to see the mostly unharmed doll made with Chara's resemblance moving by its own.

"You think everything is over...but hoh,this is JUST the beginning! Next time,you won't be so lucky!",Zalgo's voice mocked up,as the doll moved on its on.

"WAIT! I'm gonna save you!",Amethyst cried out,before throwing herself on the doll and starting a struggle with it. Finally,Connie came to help,managing to hold down the doll by its legs while Amethyst ripped off the doll's hands and head,essentialy making it un-inhabitable.

Author, why is it that every time you influence your writing with what should be lighthearted struggles in this chapter, you enter the realm of horror movie violence akin to what was done by and to Chucky from Child's Play?

"...Uhm. And that was how the demon invaded and interrupted the play but the power of friendship eventually won!",Frisk said to the crowd,as she closed the curtains herself while hearing cries of confusion and some of rage.

"I'm really sorry about being dumb enough to help on ruining your play...",Chara apologized to Frisk with a ashamed tone,while holding on the left arm with her right hand.

"No...its my fault. I've been selfish before...and I've never noticed it before.",Frisk also apologized,before hugging her older twin sister. "Mystery girls?"

Well, you certainly aren't sisters, or siblings, you are hardly worth considering family by the way you treat and consider each other. That's the real mystery here.

"*pain groan*...Mystery girls.",Chara accepted the apologize before hugging back and patting Frisk's back. "I think I'll need to sleep the whole weekend."

And Alice doesn't even get to bookend the chapter with an appearance or as much as a thought thrown her way for all of her influence was meant to justify the plot. Imagine my fucking surprise!!

I want to make another analogy for this fanfic. This 'crossover' the author has concocted. Let's go with food this time. By presenting this fanfic for you to read, it's like offering you a pizza. Taking a plain pizza, the author decides by her own whims on what toppings to put on. She adds a bit of pepperoni, some ham, and then suddenly some pineapple. And before you can ask yourself where you are on the pineapple debate - too late, the author has already put nine other toppings on it that don't go together. After that she serves it, calls it a cheese pizza, and haven't had the decency to bake the damn thing before it hits your plate. No wonder it takes me forever to chew through this shit.

So, next chapter is titled 'His Best Date', piggybacking on the plot of 'Soos And The Real Girl'. I have literally no chance at guessing who, but I'm blown away at the prospect of the author finally acknowledging that there is such a thing as the concept of infatuation. Maybe Asriel will fall in love with a character from Doki Doki Literature Club, and the final showdown will be in a romantic restaurant in the mall that the author forgot the town had when she altered the convenience store episode.

YAT: 74
BTTP: 341
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ConcernedGamer
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Re: Inside Falls

Post by ConcernedGamer » Sat Mar 06, 2021 7:24 pm

I want to take a moment to, I don't really know, establish a bit of good will on the author's behalf, I guess? The author clearly has this fanfic as a passion project. You can see it, between the badly constructed lines and beyond the horrendously recycled plot. The author is sharing her interests, and it is merely an unfortunate consequence that she is doing it very, very badly and boringly. Even just this chapter title proves it to me. Undertale has a lot of emotional weight conveyed in its simplicity sometimes, and among those things are the emotional ties between the characters, even in the meta-narrative. Asriel is such an important key figure, and his role so significantly interlaced with emotional payoffs, that the musical track dedicated to him is literally titled His Theme. Clearly it's a rose-tinted and idealize presentation of a character whose original incarnation is barely ever shown in the narrative so it lacks establishing substance, but the intended impact is undeniable. Asriel is depicted as a once amicable softie whose tragic backstory of love lead to his death, subsequent heartless villainy, and arguable redemption, told with serious and mellow tones. So why does the author have him be a beyond bumbling buffoon? Like an infantile idiot, a dignity-less toddler bawling at the briefest moment of self-afflicted adversity in this chapter, Asriel is forced by the author to make such aimlessly moronic decisions, which has me convinced that Asriel doesn't wear shoes, because he's already well on his way through eating his fourth pair!! Here's Chapter 25, His Best Date.

"Knitting my jumpers,mmm-hmm-hmm~",Frisk quietly hummed to herself,as she knitted a jumper with a ball of dull blue yarn in the Crystal Shack's giftshop.

That's such a classic Frisk thing to do, isn't it? I will never get over how this fanfic is nothing but the author's personal placebo, diluting all the material forced inside of it by reducing it to nametags overlaying the original script and thinking that's how fanfics work.

However,the yarn ball began to roll towards the door thanks to a little kick the tip of her boot caused and a piece of it got stuck on the low part of the door. "Awwwww...bad luck...Guess I'll need a new yarn ball."

It's string, and you are knitting with one end of it. Pull, dumbass!

"DON'T WORRY,FRISK!",Asriel's voice cried with a brave tone,as the goat boy himself came,carrying a pair of scissors. "You won't need to waste any yarn,because Asriel will save it for you!",Asriel continued,before carefully calculating the cut necessary to free the yarn. As the mark was made,the scissors did their cutting job.

What was the conflict? How was Frisk helpless with this? What was the point? How is this comparable to the dire emergency of Mabel having her braces caught in a windscreen? Cutting the string and then afterwards tie it together is exactly how you continue knitting yarn normally.

"Thank you so much,Asriel.",Frisk thanked her cousin with a jolly smile before picking the ball of yarn.

"Anytime,rosey!",Asriel replied with a proud,blush-y smile,before putting the scissors on his toolbelt. "Bye y'all,see you tommorow!",Asriel said to the rest of the Crystal Shack gang before opening the front door and walking away.

What, just like that, without even a single tear of goodbye? You have been saving up an awful lot of that crying quota, and that worries me since you are going to be the focus of this chapter.

"Bye,Asriel!",Chara and Frisk happily waved 'bye-bye' to their in-human cousin.

I both want and don't want to know who in this dysfunctional family married and fucked a goat for you all to be cousins.

"Goodnight,Asriel.",Lapis said to Asriel in a chill voice as she putted blue hair spray on some parts of her hair that began to show her natural brown hair.

"Goodnight,Asriel.",Pearl also said to Asriel in a soft voice as she worked on the attraction 'Birdtaur',a little statue of a creature half-human,half-parrot.

It will be posing for their family photo later. Seriously, why is Asriel and all the other townspeople monsters not part of the attraction, if this is the brainless level the author is keeping this shack at?

"...Do any of you know what Asriel does when not enhancing his work skills at the Crystal Shack?",Frisk asked to her twin sister,her great aunt and her teen friend.

"Nope.",Chara answered,nodding her head negatively.

"No.",Lapis bluntly answered.

"Not a slight idea.",Pearl answered honestly.

He's your family, and I've already concluded it to be pathetic by any standard in the previous chapter. This is abysmal, author, for you to be keeping the format of an employee routine, when these people are supposed to be related.

~~

During afternoon,in Asriel's home...

After putting away his toolbelt,Asriel decided to settle down on drawing on his notepad,in which he made drawings...not the most beautiful of them all,because he didn't have the number of fingers necessary to make a nice grabbing,and so,his art looked extremely wobbly.

But the motherfucker can handle scissors like a pro with optimal precision, and maintains a praiseworthy job as a handyman for Pearl. Yeah, that's two points on the counter when you self- contradict in your contrived way to force in pity-magnet traits for this blandly overlooked and childish character, author. So, yeah, in a way you do get points for trying.

After making four and a half drawings,he decided to let his notepad rest and look at his right,to notice Alphys sitting right beside him.

You'd think you'd have enough awareness to notice a giant lizard lady next to you on a couch, also what the fuck is she doing here substituting Soos' grandma?

"Howdy!",Asriel cherfully greeted his caretaker,before noticing on her lap a little letter with some bite marks over it. "Uh...is that a letter from that friend of mine?"

"O-oh,yeah,it is!",Alphys answered,before opening the letter and giving it to Asriel. "That former a-armless friend of yours sent it to you!"

Is he actually called Monster Kid here, or just Kid for short so I don't have to note down an eighth way you've used that word, author? And by virtue of your language barrier, I'm assuming he is still armless and you meant that he's a former friend, but that doesn't help the plot you are trying to establish.

"G-golly! I'm glad he still remembers me after all this time!",Asriel happily spoke,before his sadness was popped into a small mix of sadness and fear.

Fractal sadness. It's my favorite emotion.

"But...what if a lady tries to approach me? I'm horrible at girls..."

You are not horrible at girls, Asriel, you are horrible with them, which is something else entirely. Also, I'd like to report a murder attempt by you trying to snap my neck with this 180 degree non-sequitur head-turning conversation! Author, you couldn't even contextualize the damn plot of the chapter - again?! There was no pressure brought up, no family obligations, just a random fucking thought going through Asriel's head!!

"Y-you aren't,Asriel!",Alphys tried to comfort Asriel,putting a hand on his back. "L-look,I know you're still sad over the four year departure of your parents,b-but you need to enjoy while y-you wait!...ok?"

Why is the dialogue spinning more than a tea cup ride? Have you ever had a conversation with anyone in your life, author?

"Okay,ma'am...",Asriel quietly nodded,before Alphys walked away to the bedroom. "I'MSCREWEDI'MSCREWEDI'MSCREWEDI'MSCREWED!!",Asriel's mind yelled to him.

Boy, are you ever. You live with a stranger because of apparently willfully absent parents, while living off wages from your family-mooching, probably hence child-labor-law-ducking aunt that isn't the one taking care of you. Everyone in your family pretends that they know you, when they haven't even visited your home. You are a monster. And now your puberty is apparently kicking in. I think that about covers it. I didn't include Chara in that list, because frankly I think that her merely existing is a plague on everyone in general, so being her cousin doesn't make you special.

---

In the next morning...

Pearl was cleaning one of her oldest and most loved attractions in the the Crystal Shack's giftshop,a little dark blue statue of a woman with long hair,when the child of a visiting tourist approached her.

"Oh,hello!",Pearl happily greeted the child. "Do you want to see a Moonstone trick? Just give me that nickel and magic will happen!"

Oh, is it vague-and-useless-reference-material-callback time already?

The child reluctantly agreed to give Pearl their nickel,and Pearl putted it on a little slot on the dark blue statue's belly. A peppy,adorable and minimalistic music box tune began to play out of it,but after some seconds,the music became off-key and full of missing notes,and the statue's hands cracked and felt in pebbles. The child grew terrified...enough to run away to their parents,despite Pearl's attempts to calm them down.

This was the author attempting to emulate something being horrifying because it has become faulty and decrepit, in place of an animated object sounding and moving like a dying creature? A crumbling statue that plays a tune wrong? In a story expected to deliver ten creepy pasta front figures as the Big Bad? How the fuck will they fair with this milquetoast author at the helm? I don't know what the challenge was for you in attempting to make something creepy when you fought to replicate that joke, author. Have it be a water fountain that suddenly and depressingly spurts water from its eyes to the point that they break or something, it's fairly simple and would even be faithful to Steven Universe.

"I already warned you the expiration date of this thing was coming,Ms. Crystal.",Lapis said in a deadpan voice,lowering down the comic book she was reading. "That song is basically the anthem of death reminding people it will come for them."

That would perhaps work as a thing, author, if it happened to be playing the globally known Chopin's funeral march, and also if you could somehow circumvent the fact that the written medium renders your chosen method of a joke delivery exceptionally impotent.

"O-ooh,noo,it's not required!",Pearl explained to Lapis with a denial voice.

But was it by any chance made in Japan alongside this script?

"I mean,the statue is falling apart but at least we can fix the music box!...right?",Pearl continued. Unfortunately,she was proven wrong when the music,that wasn't turned off,holded on to one high note for a very awkward amount of seconds,making her ears become a bit sore.

Why yes, comments about a broken object being fixable is of course proven wrong by said object persisting to remain broken after the comment has been made. That's just logic, of course.

Meanwhile,Asriel was hanging up shirts on the other side of the giftshop,still thinking about his hopeless romance situation,

What's hopeless is likely going to be this author's ability to convey, let alone interpret romance.

but trying to push away his sad thoughts to the back of his mind by singing a simply but lovely nursery tune he remembered since being very small.

How old is he even? He must be somewhere between 'twolve' and Lapis, so, fifteen? It's almost as if the author never specifies just so he can be left to acting like a special needs kid without that as the justification.

He stopped singing when he noticed a girl around his age nearby to a shirt rack.

A girl!,Asriel thought with delight. Okay Asriel...you can do this...just act cool and say nice stuff a love will bloom like a golden flower!,Asriel's thoughts said to himself as he walked to the girl and poked her shoulder to get her attention.

"Ah! A monster!"

"Howdy!",Asriel greeted the girl. "My name is Asriel,and I think you are a pretty-iel!"

Unfortunately,the girl,finding Asriel's compliment and physical appearence in general weird,putted a snowglobe she was inspecting back in its place and walked away. Sad about recieving the cold shoulder from the girl,Asriel went inside the shirt rack,which was hanging many jumpers similar to his own,and crouched down to swallow his pitful sadness.

A stranger merely ignoring his pickup-line has Asriel reacting exactly like Soos did, when a woman fled from him screaming in such a panic that she punched bystanders. Does this guy even have enough of a spine to stand upright with?

Chara spotted the scene on the distance and,feeling pity for her adoptive cousin,decided to check him out.

Adoptive? When was that ever mentioned before now, aside from 'never' as I suspect? Is that in regards to his absent parents or Alphys? Because now my previous question has changed to 'who married and fucked a lizard to make you all cousins?'.

"Hey Azzy...",Chara tried to call out,but Asriel didn't get out of his curling position. She decided to pull a part of the shirts back to get a better vision of the sad goat boy. "Azzy? Its just misfortune from life. I also suffer misfortune from life."

There it is, the repeat upon repeat self-centered narcissism of 'don't worry so much, because I have the same issue', 'don't feel bad abo because I already do', 'don't feel angry at me, I already feel angry at myself' - well, others might have a chance at improving their lives and find a better existence, without you forcibly projecting your misery upon them, for no other reason than bringing them down and keeping them at your level by focusing on yourself, Frisk, you insipidly wet blanket!

"...I don't think they like me because of what I am...",Asriel pitfully said,slipping out of his curling position to look at his paw-like hands.

How about you actually tried using your pickup lines at a place where people expect to receive them, before you suddenly go with the racism angle, numbskull.

"No.",Frisk's voice spoke out,filled with compassion,as she also pulled another part of the shirts of the shirt rack. "They just don't know how incredible you are."

That doesn't contradict the point he was failing to make, you oaf. You are not this naïve!

"B-but what if my caretaker thinks I don't like dating?",Asriel asked to both Chara and Frisk,hiding his face with his ears.

Oh, you mean Alphys who never made a single mention of the topic when the author had the chance? Why would even you care? Soos had the woman who raised him hit him with a preemptive deathbed wish to ensure she saw him having a chance at matrimonial happiness, assigning its significance to an approaching family gathering. Here we have a four year acquaintance mention a letter from some former friend without a name to Asriel, which leaves him panicking about not yet dating anyone without even a deadline set for him. Who the fuck gives a damn?

"I'm a romantic fail...in a young age..."

"...First of all,why is Asriel inside this shirt rack?",Pearl said,noticing her young worker pitfully sitting on the ground. "And second...honestly,in my opinion,the time for you to be a romantic failure is around late teenagehood."

So, a year from now?

"...I don't know what exactly Pearl means.",Lapis confessed,lowering down the comic she was reading.

Yeah, you wouldn't, Captain Friendzone.

"But I know one thing about you, Asriel: ...you mean the best.",Lapis continued,a calm smile layered on her face. Pearl,agreeing with Lapis,thumbed up to Asriel.

I happened to notice a distinct lack of Pearl substituting in Stan's dismissing dialogue shooting down Lapis' positivity, by suggesting she should take up the job of becoming a monster-lover, author.

"You are our best cousin-friend,Azzy. So,no matter what,we are going to help you in the best way we both can.",Chara comforted Asriel while playfully hitting the latter's arm with her elbow.

I think by now we all know how you treat both friends and family.

"I think I got a idea of where we should go.",Frisk spoke in a determined voice,but wearing a sweet smile.

~~

In the more modern mall...

It has an arcade cabinet with Destiny 2 in it, that's how modern it is. But if anyone keels over and dies inside it, they'll just have to build a new one again.

Chara,Frisk,Asriel,and Pearl (who was carrying the crumbling music box statue) stepped inside the more recent mall. Asriel was wearing a rainbow bowtie Frisk crafted to him in a attempt to give him a good first physical impression.

They had considered going with a metaphysical impression, but decided that wasn't actually a thing.

"Well,this statue will surely need to be replaced.",Pearl said,giving a slightly sad breath as she looked at the little music box statue,full of duct tape on its cracks. "Keep an eye on your cousin while I try to find another music box.",Pearl said to the young Dreemurr twins before walking to another point of the mall.

"Okay,Asriel.",Frisk began to say. "A good first step for a romance,at least from what I see...is eye contact."

With Frisk not even getting friendship right and never having had friends before this story started, this is like watching the blind lead the nearsighted. Wait, can Frisk even make eye-contact?

"So...I need to make eye contact,right?",Asriel asked to Frisk,pulling a hopeful smile. Sadly,Frisk didn't have a concrete answer,and neither Chara had one,since dating wasn't exactly her initial interest. "...I'll try eye contact!",Asriel decided,as he walked towards a group of girls nearby the moving staircases.

"WAIT,ASRIEL!",both Chara and Frisk called out,but Asriel didn't listen to neither of their pleas.

Oh yeah, just give the kid advice, decide that you can't back it up at all because that would mean it would be your fault when it fails for him, and then act like he's a goat-Houdini that slipped away from you mid conversation. Your responsibility-ducking is reaching levels akin to willful reader deception!

The Dreemurr twins just awkwardly as Asriel's romance attempts with the eyes failed miserably. Both could tell it would take a good while for Asriel to find a accepting crush.

Why is it so difficult to craft a punchline to a joke you are spoon-feeding to yourself, author? Did you find this funny or are you just deliberately mining out the tragedy for your own narrative's life support?

~~

With Pearl...

Pearl,a good bit distraught that she had to leave one of her favorite music box behind,decided to carefully dump it on the nearbiest tree,before going back inside the mall to check for a new music box or any tune object that didn't play a repetitive,boring tune.

The author is handing me so many perfect metaphors for her own fanfic that I don't know what to do with them anymore.

"Too cheesy...too loud,too low...oh GOD!",Pearl said,her patience running out as she failing miserably in finding a good music box. "That statue had unique talent...talent that I seemingly can't find anywhere!",Pearl continued,as she activated more and more music boxes in a attempt to find a tune as lovely as the staute.

Meanwhile,back in the very tree where the music box statue was resting in,a group of moving,living lime gelatins ended jumping in taking the statue,leaving behind some of its pebbles (and a goo-like substance covering them),and entering back on the bushes.

I have no fucking clue what that is and how that's supposed to even factor into the b-plot of the stolen episode pacing, but I can't be bothered to care, and I am frankly assuming at this point, that no time will be invested on it beyond a forced recap at the end by the author having everyone join back up again.

---

In another part of the mall...

Chara,Frisk and Asriel sitted next to a store of electronic games in the mall,as Asriel pratically failed more than three times on finding a date.

The four-to-infinity ladies he tried to pick up are all working on getting restraining orders against him.

"I can't understand why some people are jerks just because of your kind...",Frisk said to Asriel,almost managing to feel her cousin's sadness.

He has a 'kind' now that people judge him for? No. Fuck you, author. I'm not saying racism isn't a thing, of course. I'm saying that the reality you think you've crafted in this story doesn't account for it!

"Well...at least there's no way to worse it up...right?",Asriel asked,smiling even with tears still rolling down from his eyes. However,when he paid attention to notice a duo of people walking away,he found out it was his armless friend and a girl,possibly his girlfriend.

Already sad at his failure,and scared of his former friend laughing at his failure,Asriel began to uncontrollably cry and,by instinct,head inside the electronic game store and lay down in front of a bunch of shelves,full of electronic games.

It's a former friend, that Asriel hasn't seen in forever, who has no chance to know of any failures upon meeting him, if he is even able to recognize Asriel on sight at this point - and he was walking AWAY from them! Are you an imbecile author? If anything, this should be a moment where Asriel could recognize a friendly face and get a much needed positive experience, you thoughtless drama addict!

I will never,ever get a date...,Asriel thought to himself as he cried. I won't get a trade just BECAUSE I AM A GOAT THAT WALKS ON TWO!

The author didn't include the canon fact that Boss Monsters are regarded as hot, and not everyone is a furry, dude, tough shit, what can I tell you? What I'm about to tell the author, I hope, is a bit more eye-opening than that. This doesn't work, author, for a myriad of reasons. You have scattered monster characters all throughout this story, replacing multiple human characters even, and had Kirby, acknowledged as a fucking alien, be out in the open on display in a public museum without anyone batting an eye! No reaction, no mention, not a single acknowledgement of it, and that's why a quarter of my jokes for Asriel has been how muddied your monster-depictions are, when nothing of that has affected the plot, because it would! And somehow it seems like the fact of Asriel's existence and monstrous appearance is first now ever entering his head, despite it being his entire life. The plot doesn't revolve around the racism you now injected. The moral and the payoff to the story will have nothing to do with racism. Your bankrupt plot-ideas are merely using it as a vehicle so you don't have to provide actual story-driving content, and it will never be resolved and likely never affect the rest of the remaining chapters ever, more likely contradicted by it if anything. You are not telling a story about racism. You are simply not. You are writing a chapter about an exaggeratedly dumb goofball tackling his romance issues, and you are tagging on racism as a tool for your own gain to excuse Asriel's character-developable failings to be out of his hands!!

Asriel rolled in the ground,sobbing more quietly,until he accidentaly hitted a shelf. One of the DVD boxes felt down from it,and when he noticed it,Asriel decided to pick it up to put it back,but soon was stopped by a interesting,sadness-distracting cover art for the box: a pink circle with a green pen,two hearts (one big and blue,the other small and pink),the colorful words 'DOKI DOKI' and the smaller,prettier looking letters 'Literature Club!'.

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Well, would you look at that. I called it. While being a shot in the dark on the lapsing logic of decisions from this author, it wasn't a difficult one. If you cut open the Internet and count the rings, you'll find that before my life became a living hell through mocking this nauseating garbage, the height of Doki Doki Literature Club's popularity peaked within a half-year timeframe of my best guess for when this story was being written. I have honed in on the author's general contemporary pop culture tastes, so much so that it now borders on infuriating boredom as I can still predict chapters in advance with relative accuracy. It was therefore not difficult to figure out that DDLC would be put into this chapter, mostly so because I haven't played it, I haven't seen anyone play it, yet the massive amount of memes were enough for me to know the entire plot of it, merely by glancing at a YouTube suggestion-feed. In case someone has dodged the info, however, I'll shortly clarify. DDLC's surface poses as an anime visual novel dating-sim, but is a surprise creepy-pasta level psychological horror, complete with a meta-narrative twist as one of the characters of the game is a fourth wall breaking yandere AI. I would honestly have been surprised had the author found a better fit for .GIFfany, although I must stress that finding the best in an effort that produces no worthwhile content is still not praiseworthy.

"Doki...Doki...Literatue Club?",Asriel slowly pronounced the name,very confused and curious. Since he did enter inside a electronic game store,he already knew it was supposed to be a video game...but of what kind?

The kind that comes in a DVD case, apparently. No fucking wonder this author thinks Destiny can be in an arcade cabinet.



He guessed a dating sim because of the heart motif visible on the cover. As he contemplated the curious cover,Chara and Frisk walked in,with the intention of lifting back the spirit of their cousin,only to find out his sadness was being washed away by curiosity.

"...I think Asriel got interest on the game...",Chara whispered to Frisk,as both she and her little twin sister saw that,while some tears were still hanging over Asriel's eyes,his face was taken over by immense curiosity. "...You were the one carrying the bills?"

You kids are allowed to handle money? Did you bring it to 'bribe' someone into dating Asriel if all else failed?

"Mmm-hmm.",Frisk nodded with a smile,as she pulled a money pouch out of her short's pocket and turned to the store's clerk. "Hey miss,our cousin is interested in this game."

Who knows why, it's not like the box actually sold him on anything specific about its content for it to even have relevance to his situation. I'm pretty sure jiggling keys in front of him would have the same effect.

Before paying off for the game for sure,the store's clerk warned to the Dreemurr twins that the other copies of the game their goat cousin wanted to experiment felt in the hands of people that,after some time,destroyed their copies and never gave a clear explanation on why,and so,they would need to interrogate Asriel for a explanation in case his copy meet the same doom. But the Dreemurr twins just shrugged it off,thinking it was just some made-up myth,and paid for the copy,at least giving one little delight for their cousin after such a fail-date day.

You are already seriously watering down the premise by having other copies of the game, even if ignoring the non-blurred lines you have added on distribution methods, author. Your wannabe creepy-pasta adaptation is less plausible and cohesive when you are selling this as nothing but a regular copy of the game. I'm pleasantly surprised, however, that the twins' precognitive hindsight didn't trigger. I'm expecting self-flagellation from either of them later as your measure to cleanse them of their, by you, perceived sins.

~~

In Asriel's house,during afternoon...

Asriel stepped inside his room and sitted on a chair in-front of his computer,which was something from around 2007 and 2010: slightly old but still useable.

Because determining the capability of a computer, of course, comes down to the two years it might have been bought in. Does this author even know what a graphics card is?

He turned it on and plugged inside the DVD.

The DVD drive is honestly a better dating method, author, despite you evidently not knowing what a DVD is.

After agreeing to open the program,a cheerful tune composed of a pizzicato string and a flute began to play as a square-looking logo with the words 'Team Salvato' below them appeared. After a short while,a black text appeared on the center of the screen.

This whole chapter is just going to be your excuse to gush about Doki Doki Literature Club, while scattering unaltered plot moments from Gravity Falls in-between your game mechanic retelling, isn't it, author?

'This game is not suitable for children or those who are easily disturbed.'

"...I'm a teenager!",Asriel cheerfully stated,until his smile popped up. "...I sometimes get easily disturbed."

Well, better shut the game off them. I'm fairly sure, in your case, age doesn't change whether you are a child.

A violin entered on the song,and a small choir spoke "DOKI DOKI!",as the title screen formed itself up. The scenary was a white background with big pink dots,and besides the options (New Game,Load Game,Settings,Help,and Quit),the screen featured four girls in japanese art style with colorful hairs and female schoolgirl uniforms.

As opposed to the Japanese male schoolgirl uniforms, of couse. The less I linger on the irony of that joke the better, moving on.

"D'awww!!",Asriel squeed,his interest for the game sealed on that moment. He immediately clicked 'New Game' and,as the game asked,inserted a name to identify his in-game self (in this case,his own middle name,Alex).

Which moronic level of head-canon are we in at this point? Asriel Alex Dreemurr? Are you fucking kidding me? What insane and purposeless trivia is this? Why? What's the point?!

And soon,he began to dig himself rapidly into the plot of game: writting poems for a group of four girls of a high school literature club in a attempt to impress them.

Asriel was so engaged in the game it had to take Alphys personally coming and telling him to sleep for him to fall in his bed.

And we are now stuck in the mundane as there is nothing weird about the game's behavior, nothing establishing it as such, and Asriel goes to bed when asked to like a good little goat, because joking about staying up late playing video games would make Asriel flawed.

---

In the next day,on the Crystal Shack's giftshop...

I feel like every preposition in every other establishing lines is used backwards, how is it even possible to repeat it so much at this rate?

Pearl was pacing around with a worried and in panic,while Lapis was reading another comic book with a pretty apathetic expression. But the weirdest part was that Asriel was not in the Shack,which was pretty unnatural of him.

But that kind of fits his entire existence for all the author wants to present it as, so whatever.

"Music box,music box,where is a music box with a perfect song?!",Pearl asked to herself,still pacing in a circle with alot of sweating on her forehead.

"...I have no idea.",Lapis said with brutal honesty,never changing her apathetic face.

Apathy and indifference is not funny or endearing, author. You are replacing a joke of Wendy announcing how absolutely disinterested she is in the topic, and you made it into a shrug of the shoulders. Your efforts to substitute all the dialogue of Gravity Falls is deliberately fruitless by choices you have made, and for the life of me I can't understand why!

"Hi Lapis,Hi Grauntie Pearl.",Chara calmly greeted her teen friend and her great aunt as she stepped inside the giftshop with her little twin sister. "We were looking for Asriel but...we can't find him anywhere."

Well, maybe you should try searching inside the shack, since you've just arrived from the outside, and it's now unnatural of him to not be inside the shack.

"I made a jumper to boost his confidence.",Frisk remarked,using her two pointer fingers to point at the jumper she knitted: it was green (contrasting with her dark gold bowtie),had two little hearts on the upward left and upward right (Red and Blue),a rainbow star like the one in Asriel's jumper,and the words 'I BELIEVE IN YOU,ASRIEL',with Asriel's name having a rainbow color pallete.

I hope he vomits all over it like I nearly did from the grammar you just used to induce me to gag with.

"O-oh,Asriel?!",Pearl exclaimed in surprise,and awkwardly laughed before calming down and breathing in. "...he missed 'work'."

Pearl's answer was enough to raise suspicions on her great niece's heads. Chara and Frisk searched the entire town for places Asriel probably could've been,excluding his house,but there was no use. The last place they could try to find him was in his house.

They searched the entire town first? How are you able to breathe, author? That choice would literally take days, and anyone's literal home is the first logical place for anyone to look for someone, you mindless moron!

~~

In Asriel's house...

After politely asking to go inside and refusing to eat cooked noddles,Chara and Frisk quietly entered their cousin's room,only to find Asriel laying on his bed,shaking with a terrified expression.

"A-asriel?",Frisk tried to call for Asriel.

"Azzy? Are you ok?",Chara asked to Asriel.

Sorry, kids. He only answers to the name Alex now, apparently.

But Asriel didn't answer neither of his cousins. He still kept laying on the bed,shaking with fear. When the Dreemurr twins looked at the screen of Asriel's computer,they saw a possible hint of why he was so scared: the title screen of 'Doki Doki Literature Club!' changed,and not with pleasant results. One of the girls was replaced with a jam of mixed bits of the other girl's sprites.

And by possible hint, the author meant something that an outside observer would think was a graphical glitch in a broken game.

Wishing for answers,the two 12-years-old girls started to shake Asriel until he looked at them...with terrified eyes.

"THIS IS NOT A DATING GAME,GIRLS!!!",Asriel screamed at the top of his lungs,shaking both of his cousin's neck collars,albeit in despair. "THAT GAME IS NOT A DATING GAME!!!"

You ignored the warning opening disclaimer, and this is literally nothing but an overblown crybaby's reaction to playing the actual game in real life. What am I supposed to get from this freak-out, aside from the fact that Asriel can't even be trusted to watch a PG movie without a babysitter present, author?

"H-HEY!",Chara cried,shocked about the sudden gesture. "What you are talking about?!"

"T-that game...is not what it seems to be...",Asriel brokenly explained while shaking.

"E-explain better,please...",Frisk softly asked. "Maybe we will be able to help you,if you explain what you are talking about this game."

What would you be able to help with, even if you knew? He is having the same reaction as an overly religious grandma with the vapors from seeing someone play Doom for the first time. From your point of view, he has hurt his feefees from immersing himself in a work of fiction, and honestly that one is on you as you seem to be so supportive and understanding that you should have seen this coming.

"O-ok...I promise I'll try my best.",Asriel promised to both Chara and Frisk. "So,you saw the light-brown ponytail girl,the short and pink hair girl and the long purple hair girl,right? And of course you saw t-the...mashup of them...the light-brown haired one is Monika,the pink haired one is Natsuki,the purple haired one is Yuri a-and...the jumbled one is the remnants of Sayori..."

"...Eh?",Chara and Frisk cried together,they were just as confused as someone who felt with parachutes on a world they had zero information of.

Whatever the author said, whatever it meant, that's me gleaning into the author's mind through this story.

"J-just give me a w-while to explain girls!",Asriel pleaded with hysterical panic,and began to explain everything with a-bit-above-average fast voice. "Ok,so,these four girls are part of a high school club,and to bond with them I had to write poems,but I choose Natsuki,and eventually found out today Sayori suffered depression but I couldn't be her friend,so I found out she eventually commited suicide! I-i felt so bad I couldn't even c-continue playing..."

"H-holy...mackerel...",Chara said,with a mix of discomfort and horror on her voice. Frisk wasn't reacting much better either; she was wearing a expression of pure horror and pity before tenderly hugging Asriel.

They are just game characters in a tragic and shocking narrative - pull yourselves together you pathetic, river-crying, Sesame Street toddlers! You are such bleeding-hearted, conflict-virgins that you are giving the Zoomans from Steven Universe a run for their money in sheltered and infantile sensitivity! You lot would crumble the first time you even heard and comprehended the word 'victim'!!

"Shhh...its okay,its okay...",Frisk quietly spoke to Asriel in a comfort attempt. "Just maybe a second round at trying to find your date?"

"Y-yeah,okay,I accept that.",Asriel agreed,returning the hug for a while before breaking it up. "The sadness of being alone just because I am a goat is better than witnessing post-suicides."

"Definitively.",Chara quickly agreed with deadpan discomfort,as she,Frisk and Asriel stepped outside Asriel's room.

Oh, boo-hoo, you played a game and feel traumatized because the author has made you have little to no fostered maturity to think abstractly with, like a safe-space coddled baby. Everything in this chapter and story is doing everything it can to garner faux sympathy rather than genuine intrigue.

After the three Dreemurr youngsters went outside Asriel's room,Monika,the girl with light brown ponytail hair,black socks and red sneakers,stopped making the smile face she perpetually kept making on the title screen,her expression morphing into one of sorrow and pity.

"I'm sorry for what you had to witness,Asriel.",Monika quietly apologized,even trough Asriel wasn't there to listen,before her expression morphed into a morbid,wide-eyed smile. "It is for our future..."

So the point for having Asriel introduce himself as Alex to the game had no point to it? Or was it by your on realization that it was the only way you could even demonstrate the game was aware by looking past that, author? Nah, you probably forgot to change it in post through a rare instance of regular incompetence.

~~

In the mall...

Chara,Frisk and Asriel were once more back into the mall. Because of a weird instinct in Asriel's heart and head,he thought it would be a good idea to write 'poems' to attract attention...just like in Doki Doki.

So let me get this straight. You just had such a visceral, near-catatonic reaction to the content of the game, and yet you still decide to take dating-pointers from it? You are absolutely willfully braindead. A moron of unlikeable proportions. Soos was a lovable idiot, but you are just an unlikable idiot out to harm himself!

"So,you'll try poetry now?",Chara asked,alot of confusion on her head. "I mean,sure,some females are intellectual rather than fashion-like...but its not everyone."

I don't know how you can keep insulting me more than you've already managed to, author. Having your skin-suit selling an entire gender short on romance by a hair's width away from justifying the word 'bimbo' like this is one thing, but what if it was the fact that Asriel has a preference and wants to date someone who likes poetry? Just because author-foresight tells Chara it won't work, you can't just have Chara wash her hands of it all, by simply not having the faintest idea that poetry is as staple of what is considered to be romantic.

"Chara,we need to have faith on him!",Frisk said to Chara,extending her two arms upwards.

"...Yeah,I guess you got a pretty good point-",Chara began to agree with Frisk's argument,

You literally had the exchange of "I don't think so.", "Just believe.", "Yeah, you're right.", You sock-puppet numbskulls!

before she noticed...Asriel was not in the spot he was previously in. Now,he was walking aimlessy,and accidentaly hitted a girl with glasses.

Because that's just something he decided to do, so don't think about it, he doesn't have enough fingers or something, this is funny according to the author, probably!

"A-AH!",Asriel cried,and tried to help the girl to pick up back her glasses. "I-i'm sorry,I'm reallyreallysorry let me-",Asriel pleaded for a apologize,before getting violently shoved back by the girl down to the ground.

Asriel took the rejection a bit better than yesterday,but some tears he tried to hide down still rolled down from his eyes.

Soos, the man-child who orders a kid's menu item at a drive thru could handle rejection without bawling like he expected the entire world to go his way on the first try he ever did something. What are these snowflake characters, author?! I'm on the verge on deciding to retrofit a counter for all the overly sensitive pity magnet moments you've unsubtly smuggled into your narrative. It's like the only way you think you can convey emotions and alterations to the overall story is by adding in excessive tears everywhere and pretending the entire world is out to deliberately punish them in general!

After some seconds...he felt a weird sensation. He couldn't describe what it was; it wasn't happiness,neither sadness. It wasn't insanity or inner peace.

It wasn't good writing either, that's for sure.

It was simply a feeling he couldn't describe correctly.

Maybe it's something mysterious, or maybe the author just couldn't be bothered.

I am splitting the post here because of character limit.
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ConcernedGamer
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Re: Inside Falls

Post by ConcernedGamer » Sat Mar 06, 2021 7:28 pm

Resuming mocking of Chapter 25.

Slowly,the feeling became clearer and clearer. It was a passion to write poems. He picked the notebook he bringed up to write poems and began to doodle a poem. A poem of verses of few words.

Is Asriel possessed right now, author? Because, and don't take this the wrong way, I wouldn't know if you could even come to the idea to have that as a thing. All you've done is inject ad hock excuses, to simply make people stop what they are doing, divert from logic, and start doing whatever was necessary for them to enact the needed motions to be on narrative par with a Gravity Falls episodes. It says something about your story, when someone reading it can't actually tell when someone isn't in their right state of mind without you deliberately stating so in your narration.

'i witnessed a cacophony

and i was full of agony

it wasn't prepared

to see my feelings dared

i just wanted to love

i hope i am not above'

After a cursory glance at a game guide, I'm fairly certain this poem would only earn you two collective points, with one from Yuri and Sayori respectively.

And suddenly,as he felt like he got out of a trance,Asriel widened his eyes and looked down at the poem he himself doodled on,and gained a confused face. He was suspecting the cause of it was the stress and sadness of being romantically rejected because of the physical appeared...but he sadly didn't knew the awful truth about the weird sensation.

And neither does anyone else, because poetry-possession was not something that happened within the game. I'm not even convinced Monika was invested in poetry beyond having it as a romance vehicle to hijack. The problem here is that Doki Doki Literature Club is not supernatural, rather it is minimalistic sci-fi of a self-aware AI presented to still operate inside its own medium, and so the author is likely operating on some extended creepy-pasta-fandom head-canon if my assumption is correct.

Maybe getting something to eat will ease it,Asriel thought to himself,as he closed the notebook down. "Hey girls! I'm gonna have something to eat.",Asriel went to and explained to the girls. "...I feel weird."

While confused about the reason of Asriel suddenly deciding to find something to eat,both Chara and Frisk very reluctantly agreed to let him go around finding a tent of food. And surely soon,he found one tent of soft served ice cream.

Ah, shit, hadn't thought that I would have to predict who Asriel would actually hook up with. If soft serve ice cream is supposed to be a hint, and the need to have an affinity with animals to get past this goat-racism that's afoot for no reason, I'd hinge my bets on Bubbles from the Power Puff Girls, but I would fear for which version the author would have managed to experience in her lifetime.

"Vanilla? Pretty please?",Asriel asked to the one taking care of the tent,while giving away a five dollars note.

"Alright,here it comes!",the worker,a 12-years-old human girl with brown hair slightly dyed in pink and a uniform of red and white colors,said to Asriel before taking the note.

See, it's funny that you now have to put the modifier 'human' in front of this 'girl', rather than every character that has appeared so far, author. Is the evil AI actually ever going to interact with Asriel or is that just going to be an afterthought to your little self-indulging shipping-moment here?

After finishing with the ice cream and giving it to Asriel,she noticed the young goat's slightly sad face. "Hey...you are alright?"

"Not really...",Asriel awkwardly answered,as a little headache invaded his mind. "Its just...a weird thing happening on my life but...I'm afraid you won't get it...It's like a...creepy game...I hate too much scary things..."

That was a problem for you two separate issues ago, namely dating and sudden poetry. Author, if you couldn't figure out what to have these two talk about and connect to each other with, why did you not have these thoughts actually be in Asriel's head before, rather than now forcing the words forth from him lips?

"Scary and harmful things aren't my kind either.",the girl replied,with some hint of tenderness on her voice. "I just like normal girl stuff like shopping and adorable things."

But not poetry as that would be intellectual, as the wondrous and wise Chara lamented.

"I sometimes like cute stuff as well!",Asriel excitedly exclaimed,before realizing what he exactly spoke and covering his mouth with his free hand with a fierce blush.

This is really what you are having these two bond over, author? That they like cute things with no substance beyond that? Lemon fanfics can at least be specific enough for someone to bond over their genitals, so this is akin to love at first shared Like on Facebook!!

"That's great!",the girl happily replied. "What is your name? Mine is Amy Roselyn."

Image

A human-version Amy Rose from the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise, which only cements even more my unconfirmed suspicion that Lapis' father Knux is a human Knuckles the Echidna. I admit this is a personal take, but that is just about as bottom of the barrel non-effort one can take for this. Take Amy Rose, scrub any trait from her that she can have had from the dozens of continuities she can have been taken from, warp her into a human character that no one will recognize, say she likes cute things, and then call it a day. Effort faked, result; a stock, name-tagged mannequin with a vagina has been presented. I can't even see why Amy was the choice. There's not even a payoff or a meaningful reason for this that anyone could possibly detect. It feels random, meaningless, like a rushed mandatory assignment rather than an invested decision, because the author will not provide anything that even speaks of her own preference, let alone beyond it.

"O-oh...howdy!",Asriel awkwardly greeted back before giving a lick on his soft serve ice cream. "Mine's Asriel,or Alex,if you prefer middle names. Besides cuteness,I really like stars and rainbows!"

So does every kindergartner ever. Do you actually have anything you can claim to like that doesn't come in the shape of a dollar store fridge magnet? A movie? A band? Crying?

"Awesome!",Amy happily replied. "I know a coffe place themed after stars and rainbows. Maybe we can...you know...know each other!"

I'll just toss the dirty innuendo aside in favor of pointing out that Asriel doesn't handle his own money, so Amy will be the one buying the overpriced latte. And in Asriel's case, his cup of coffee creamer.

"Well,three-finger thumb up for this idea!",Asriel approved Amy's idea showing to the latter's two thumb ups formed with his hands. "Yesterday I'll take that chance out."

Image

It is moments and sentences like these, that prove that without the reference material that this fanfic irreversibly roots itself in, no one would have a single clue of what was actually going on.

"Alright! See you later!",Amy friendly waved bye-bye for Asriel as the latter walked away,giving some licks on his ice cream and waving bye-bye back.

The same weird feeling that invaded him minutes earlier tried to invade him again,but it was for nothing,since Asriel's mind was busy,daydreaming about Amy.

And so the author crammed that fact down our throats rather than having any actual events take place that we could infer it from, by repeatedly burying 'show - don't tell' upside down in a shallow grave.

Busy enough to not notice his cousins caught a glimpse of the scene from the distance,and walked towards him,Frisk happily chapping with a big and toothy smile and Chara wearing a more laid-back smile with two thumb ups.

"Good job,Asriel!",Frisk congratulated her cousin with a smile and a very proud voice.

"You did great,Azzy.",Chara also congratulated Asriel with a smile,but with a more calm voice.

The author provided just enough details for you two to enter the scene having no living chance in hell at actually knowing what took place to justify your comments. Dating-discussion is not something you can just infer from a distance, author, you moron.

"...I did it...",Asriel slowly realized,as his eyes grew sparkly with star eyes. "OH MY GOD GIRLS,I DID IT!",Asriel screamed with joy as he threw himself towards the Dreemurr twins for a bear hug that made both Chara and Frisk joyfully laugh. And Asriel joined them as well.

However,in Asriel's mind,one question remained: What he will do to Doki Doki Literature Club once he finishes his firtest date? Destroying it wasn't necessary in his vision,and sending it back into the store seemed the most reasonable option.

You are telling me that furry shrimp actually wanted to continue to play that game after his overblown reaction to it, author? What idiots do you take your readers for?

But the weird feeling that made him write a weird poem gave him a alternate option: finish the game until the end. He didn't know why,and he knew this weird feeling was starting to make some weird headaches on him,but curiosity quickly took over his head.

You are only justifying my initial assumption, author. The only way you can actually make these characters do what you want them to do is to make something up that forces them to do it, without any actual indication to themselves of it happening. It's even worse than had you made Asriel actually state out loud to himself that he had made the decision against his own better judgement, because that is what he now has to be assuming about himself!

---

In Asriel's home...

Asriel dedicated the rest of that day on playing Doki Doki in the fastest pace he could to satisfy his wildly hungry curiosity. And it was not a pleasant experience at all.

Yeah, yeah, let's just get through the pointless tears and the meaningless whining as the author want's her sadistic goat-sploitation fic in full.

Glitching and messed up personalities was just the most thin way of describing the in-game's horror. And to top it off,Asriel was forced to watch for three in-game days Yuri's coprse rooting,because she stabbed him out of being rejected.

The in-game character's reaction wasn't better either: Natsuki ran away vomiting at this sight and Monika,just like any time the game got insanely messed up,just tried to play it along. Until a specific line of the Literature Club's president caught Asriel's attention.

Author, the effect you want to have come across isn't pulling any weight, and will carry none of the impact you want to pretend that it should. Asriel would need therapy after this, if this pathetic bile of yours was to have any bite at all. And he won't. You want none of the consequences for what you put in your fanfic, so why should anyone grant you the tiniest sense of suspended disbelief? You are putting words on my screen, but you can't force anyone to accept them when it's clear you are merely having a fan-gasm horror-wank.

"I'll make it up to you,okay? Just gimme a sec..."

A black command box appeared on the upper left corner of the screen,and over it,a sequence of commands in white text appeared.

> os.remove("characters/yuri.chr")

yuri.chr deleted successfully.

> os.remove("characters/natsuki.chr")

natsuki.chr deleted successfully.

Shit, if it's that easy for her, I need myself an AI girlfriend like that, since half the time I can barely even convince Windows I own the damn files I install on it.

Asriel always suspected Monika's nonchalant behavior towards the weirdness of her own game meant something strange.

Of course you did, you agency-bereft worm.

But now,he had the obvious proof that she was behind everything in the game going wrong,from the gltiches to the exaggerated personalities.

"I'm almost done.",Monika's dialogue box said.

"A-AAAAAAH!",Asriel screamed,falling backwards of his own chair. "Y-YOU MESSED UP THE GAME!! MONSTER! MONSTER! MONSTEEER!!!",Asriel continued screaming at the top of his lungs as he panickingly ran in a circle around his room.

Unless YouTube has an ongoing 'Headless Chicken' challenge, this Let's Play series is off to a bad start.

After that,he finally calmed down,breathed in and created courage to look at the screen. Monika just showed her 'slight frown' expression and her dialogue box displayed three dots.

"...Monster?",Monika suddenly spoke. It wasn't just her dialogue box displaying her speech,she was literally speaking to Asriel.

I was about to make a joke about Asriel having turned down the volume to not draw any attention from Alphys, but then I reminded myself that the author hadn't even thought that far seeing as Asriel can holler at the top of his lungs in alarm without any effect.

"The real monster is this game...Asriel. I'm trapped on this computer screen...I'm very sorry for the things you had to witness...please,forgive me for what I did."

Asriel was too scared about the game's laws being tossed like ragdolls to reply to Monika's worry.

Big deal, he's scared at everything every day, and too afraid to turn off his PC too - who cares if he can only act on his fear to suit the plot?

"*sigh*,once again,I don't think I have a choice.",Monika said,with some hint of regret on her voice. Then,the feeling Asriel has on his head earlier began to fill him. But it went further than it did earlier. It grew to a powerful headache,and after that,his conscience began to grow...numb. Number and number. The feeling was actually Monika's influence trying to take over him. And this time,it was successful.

Look, I'm going to be running out of meaningful jokes to insert in-between the lines of this fanfic, if it's going to incorporate a female, sentient AI in a male fursuit, author.



~~

The next day...

Once more,Asriel's presence was lacking up in the Crystal Shack. It was already alarming enough for the level that Chara and Frisk were suspecting he became addicted to the game he bought.

You should sooner expect he choked on his tin can breakfast than anticipate him returning to that game, after what he presented about it and himself in regard to it, you idiots!

Pearl and Lapis didn't understand the full reason,but were still trying to play off his absence as something normal,while they knew it wasn't normal.

You could just say it outright that you can't think of a way to excuse why they shouldn't come along, since you still want them to be so worried, author. Instead you made it sound like they are staying out of it because they suspect Asriel to be home all day jerking off.

"...We must go to Asriel's house...again?",Frisk whispered to Chara,sounding very worried.

"Its the only way of knowing how our cousin is doing...",Chara whispered back to Frisk. "And why he is neglecting working here..."

"Girls?",Pearl called to her two great-nieces,who looked at her with curious faces. "Your grauntie is going to dispose of some things. Don't get into insane trouble while I am gone,ok?"

Is she disposing of the dead remains of the b-plot that kind of got cauterized from this chapter, when she found no alternative to a music box and unnoticed jello simply ran off with the original?

The two young Dreemurr's simply nodded their heads positively before watching Pearl hastily ran to the door as fast as a cat running from a dog. After looking trough a window to see from which point Pearl could see them running away,the two young Dreemurr's also dashed trough the door,ready to ran trough the town of Inside Falls to dash inside their cousin's house and save him.

But they first decided to search the entire town before doing so, as was the logical first choice, of course.

"...I was sure they wouldn't obey her rules.",Lapis commented with a stoic voice before resuming to read...but even sounding stoic,she was also holding a inner worry for her work mate.

Catch you later on the next episode of 'I have no free will, and I must scream'. The mirror was a blessing in comparison.

Chara and Frisk ran as fast as their legs would allow,pushing people out of the way and apologizing for them afterwards.

Yeah, because when I have a suspicion that my friend is playing a game, I too would rush to their home as if it was on fire.

Eventually,Frisk crashed agains't someone who she didn't recognize at first sight,but when looking a bit better,managed to remember: it was Amy,the real girl Asriel was dating with. She was wearing a new attire: a red headband,black-and-red shirt with a magenta heart a little above the belly,a purple skirt,a black knee-long shirt and white-and-red shoes.

And the cutest pink tail butt-plug you ever did see.

"I-i'm sorry...",Frisk quickly apologized,before picking Amy's purse and giving it back to her. "I didn't mean to stumble with you,we just wanted to-"

"Where's Asriel?",Amy asked to Frisk and Chara with hearable worry on her voice. "I've been searching for him all around!"

Have you tried the entire town? Shouldn't take you long. Or was it enough to take a time machine and stalk Asriel for long enough to even know who these two kids are in relation to him? Why is this author completely inept the moment she jumbles her own script?!

"...that is what I call good timing.",Chara bluntly commented to herself.

"Follow us!",Frisk said to Amy before dashing ahead of both Chara and Amy,fueled by the worry she was feeling towards her in-human,but dear cousin. Chara was catching up better to her,but Amy was basically behind the 12-years old twins,and losing alot of breath,despite also being worried for her soon-to-be boyfriend. Finally,the three spotted Asriel's house.

Gotta go fast, to the point that the plot literally can't keep up, because none of you morons have a reason to act like this. Even the author knows this, because Amy can't be given one to explain her being stood up and still follows along!

~~

Pearl quickly ran towards the same tree she disposed of the music box statue called Moonstone in the first place,hoping to find it and throw it in a trash can,but...nothing was there.

She threw it away, so now she is here to throw it away again. What mouth-breather did the author think she was writing this for?

"W-what?!",Pearl exclaimed in shock.

"I left something out in public for a day and a half, how in the world could it have disappeared!?!"

She tried to find it in every spot of the tree,but nothing and nothing. Until she noticed a clue: pebbles of the statue,alongside a dry substance that looked suspiciously like goo. "...hm?",Pearl murmured,as she tried to inspect the dry,goo-like substance. She looked at the dry substance's area,to find a new pool,also dry. And even more ahead of both of them.

The word you are failing to look up is 'trail', author, I struggle to imagine you don't have one in your own language.

She didn't have the exact good feelings about that but she decided to follow it,hoping the statue's bandits were there.

She came here to throw it in the trash again, why bother when even the base assumption would be that a street sweeper carried it off to the dump?

~~

The trio bursted into Asriel's room the loudest they could,

While Alphys started calling the police on them for breaking and entering.

spotting Asriel himself on his computer. But none of his hands were sitting over a mouse,or at least typing something on a keyboard. He was holding his two hands to his chin. Neither Amy,Chara or Frisk could clearly see it,but Asriel's eyes were showing the mind-control he was going trough: his pupils were replaced with big,white hearts,and the rest of his eyes were colored in circles of magenta and green,and psychedelically flashing.

I knew that eventually I would have to be facing something written by an author with a suppressed fetish for Kaa from the Jungle Book.

"...Hello?",Amy tried to call Asriel. He didn't asnwer.

"A-a...asriel?",Frisk fearfully tried to call out. Still,no asnwer.

"Azzy? P-please,stop with this prank...",Chara said,some of her fear and horror slipping into her voice.

"...Who's there,Asriel?",Monika's voice called from the computer. Asriel just shrugged,in a pretty umcomfortable,robotic-like way. "Well...whatever they are,it's okay if you go say hello to them. I won't be mad,I promise."

What does the author actually think Monika gets out of this, by using this measure? Oh, right, I forgot, romance is about as foreign a concept to this author as the English language.

"Okaaay,Monikaaa...",Asriel slowly nodded,in a tone that sounded less like him,and more like a robot programmed to obey their owner and agree with everything they said. He slowly got up and turned toward his cousins and his soon-to-be girlfriend,and all the three of them could see his new eyes. "Hellooo! It's niceee to seee yoooooou."

Yeah, I can totally see how okay Monika would be with Asriel greeting his friends when she can make him act so inconspicuous about it. She should have stuck to her subtle and untraceable approach of making him write poetry, but why have a villain that can only cover their tracks when the author wants them to, right?

"Oh my holy god...",Chara said,her voice filled with shock. "I knew another computer game would cause trouble again..."

How kind of you to telegraph a derived dialogue substitution to me, with which I now know when to unpause the canon episode so I can follow along, author.

"A-asriel?! This is NOT funny!",Amy said,with some hint of anger on her voice. "Stop doing this prank!"

"It's noooooo praaaank!",Asriel gleefully defied Amy. "It's just Monikaaa. Juuuuuust Monikaaaa."

"T-that...t-that freaking-",Chara interrupted herself before she could let a nasty insult escape her mouth,but began to close her fist,as a mix of fury and regret began to form on her. "Forgive me for this,Azzy!",Chara yelled,before giving a punch on Asriel's left cheek.

Should I be prepping my surprise for violence potentially being what saves the day, or should I just leave it at the fact that it was your first and only decided option, Chara?

"Do you hate meeee?",Asriel asked,still not over the mind control. "Do you hate Monikaaa-"

I'm sure Chara can add Monika to her list.

Chara interrupted Asriel,giving another punch,now directed to the right cheek,and finally a third one,directed on the nose,that knocked back Asriel.

"STOP!",Frisk and Amy yelled together,thinking Chara would continue punching Asriel. As both of them realized Chara was just trying to free him from his mind-control,they quietly apologized and went to Asriel to try and shake him up.

And those two hive-mind muppets will probably keep apologizing when Chara keeps punching once Asriel wakes up and nothing has changed, because as demonstrated by this very chapter's narrative, Asriel is under the mind control of a separate entity that doesn't need to be in direct contact with him!

~~

Pearl went further ahead in the forest,still following the dry-goo path,until she stumbled with a whole group of beings that looked like lime flavor gelatins,surrounding the music box statue Moonstone.

"...Oh.",Pearl realized,with a neutral tone,but a pretty good deal of shock on her face. "Uhm...I'm sorry,bunch of gelatins...but I need to throw that statue away. Can you give it to me...somehow?"

"You see, I threw it away, but I have now changed my mind and want to reclaim it so I can throw it away again." I am already fucking mind-boggled at the author's inability to write anything worthwhile, but now she is literally presenting a conflict that can't exist, born from nothing and that can only result in what justified it in the first place! Does the author pick back up her own feces so she can take the same shit twice?!

She was suspecting the bunch of gelatin-looking creatures weren't even bothering to look at her. But what she didn't realize at first sight was that what the creatures lacked in limbs and vision,had in double in hearing and sensing.

No one explain to the author that vision is part of the senses, please. I'd rather not risk changing the limit of the stupidity for the worse if it can be helped.

Every gelatin-looking creature began to try and jump towards Pearl,but trough blood instinct,she reacted back by kicking one of them back,making them splatter agains't a wall.

"Aargh! Seems like you won't give up until I am gone,right?!",Pearl shouted towards the creatures,before rushing trough them in a attempt to reach the music box statue. While she ran,she kicked,stomped,and most rarely,punched every gelatin-like creature that tried to take a offensive stance agains't her. But soon,she was starting to be overpowered,since some of the gelatins tried to trap her on her feet using their whole bodies.

I have seen enough hentai to know that I have no fucking clue where the author is going with this shit, beyond airing more of her repressed fetishes.

"GAH!",Pearl shouted while trying to fetch the creatures. "Let me go,you dirty and unclean LIME-"

The brawl was interrupted because one of Pearl's feet accidentaly activated the music box. It still played a slightly off-key version of it's own song,but it went better than most of the previous attempts. The gelatin-like creatures stopped acting agressively and jumped to the music,in a pretty nice synchrony.

"...This is awkward...but at this statue is still attempting to workas good as new...",Pearl awkwardly said,scratching the back of her head as she watched the little show behold her eyes. "So...maybe its not so hopeless for her after all...?"

"I'll try and remember that the fifth time I trash it."

~~

It took a awkwardly long while,and the three girls were scared of the possibility Asriel was about to suffer some serious kind of mental damage,

Wouldn't be his first - that's right, I said it!

but when he opened his eyes...they were his real eyes. Amber colored,and full of innocent love and joy.

Are we sure that's his real eyes, author? Ever looked at a goat lately?

"G-girls?...w-what happened?...my head is hurting alot...",Asriel said,putting one of his hands on his head. "I just remember getting number and...Monika saying stuff to me..."

"I also remember being able to taste and smell things, and my head hurting a lot less."

"Y-you're okay!",Frisk and Amy joyfully screamed together,some little tears rolling down from their faces.

"Heh...sorry...but I had to give you three punches to make you stop being controlled...",Chara shamefully assumed,but as she saw trough Asriel's smile,she knew he would forgive her,as long as she did the right thing with her actions.

And when the only reason she can have decided to make that her option is that the author told her it would work, that makes all of this into a farce of a conflict. Part of solving a literary conflict is justifying someone figuring out the solution, author, and you can't even do the first half correctly.

"...Asriel?",Monika's voice called from the screen,and the four turned around to look at her,the light-brown-haired girl. "Who are these three girls?"

"U-uhm...hehehe...",Asriel awkwardly laughed,his voice breaking down because of his inner panic. "Chara and Frisk,my cousins and Amy my...s-soon-t-t-to-be girlfrieeeend?..."

"...soon-to-be-girlfriend?",Monika said,in a disbelief tone of voice. "B-but,Asriel,what about me?...do you hate me?..."

"U-uhm,Monika?",Asriel asked to Monika,a slightly bit worried about the emotional state of his former virtual girlfriend. "Monika,let me explain-"

Before Asriel could explain the issue to Monika,four bolts of light-brown electricity shocked the Dreemurr twins,Asriel and Amy,who all felt unconscious after the shock.

Because everyone was standing around and waiting for something to happen to them while Asriel had an open dialogue with a computer program. I would call you all shackled, but that would be a far cry from your actual status as slaves to the author's whims.

When they all regained consciousness,

This time without counting the million infinity hours in-between.

they all found each other inside a classroom,with a omnious,orange glow. Everything that the windows displayed was a vision of space. It looked like the classroom was somehow going to the stars,high and high in the sky. Chara,Frisk and Amy's first reaction was to murmur in confusion,but as Asriel regained conscience,he saw Monika,sitting on a chair,and laying her face and arms on a table while quietly sobbing.

Who wants to bet that it's still going to be Chara punching things that will solve this whole issue, just because the author can't think up two different solutions in a row on her own? I'm all for subversions, but not when it ties into blanket glorifying the violent brat's cave-man existence, by having it be a pure coincidence that she is helping rather than making things worse.

"Monika?...",Asriel whispered,and slowly went to try and comfort her. Chara tried to follow Asriel,but as she ran some inches from her standing spot,she hitted a invisible wall.

"GAH! What the HEY?!",Chara yelled in surprise. She tried to go trough again and again,but everytime she walked towards the wall,the invisible wall acted and bounced her back. Frisk tried to touch the invisible wall,to no luck.

Hey, Frisk, suggest to Chara to touch the wall deliberately like you are trying and failing at.

"Uh?",Frisk cried,feeling confused and very scared at the same time.

"How did Asriel manage to go?!",Amy said,very confused,as she also touched the wall. Suspecting the area Asriel went trough was a hole in the invisibe wall,she tried to go trough it...but for no luck. It was really a wall designed only for Asriel to go trough.

It wasn't at all made by the author, for the author, to benefit the author - pinky promise times infinity!

"...Girls?",Asriel asked,stopping himself from going to Monika to go back to the other three. "Why are you not following me?"

Why are you acting like you have a reason to approach an entity that does nothing but show you horrors?

"Stupid invisible wall.",Chara sourly answered,as she used her elbow to beat the wall repeatedly and show she couldn't get over it and,by extension,Frisk and Amy. "...I guess we are trapped...",Chara said,in a less sour voice,as she holded her heart locket.

"D-don't worry,I'll be right back!",Asriel promised before running to the table Monika was in. "M-monika...please let me explain everything? You don't need to be hard or me or them for that-"

You are reaching JoJo levels of predicting scripted lines, Asriel. You haven't even asked Monika why she is crying or have knowledge to suspect she made the wall, let alone where you are at right now.

"You don't understand how alone I am on this world?",Monika asked to Asriel,before lifting her head to face him.

The game store confirmed that there were copies of your game that was returned to them, so I wouldn't exactly say 'very' is an answer to your question.

Tears still felt on her eyes like little waterfalls.

You might want to skip the metaphors when you are dealing with people in a reality where their interpreted descriptions can be factual, author.

"You were my everything...and now I can't even have you? I am just destined to be apparently loved,just to be thrown away by a 'real girl'?..."

In Gravity Falls, .GIFfany could at least boast of having gone on a date with Soos and talked with him, author. What has Monika done aside from all the nothing you transcribed from your gameplay experience involving her?

O-oh god...no wonder why people destroyed this game!!!,Asriel thought,horrified,as he began to back up far from Monika.

"All the horrifying suicides and freaky pixel art was one thing, but now that I know it has a clingy, crying girl seeking pity inside of it, it makes all that much more sense!"

Imustgetoutofhereimustgetouthere!ImustfreetheothersNOW!!!

You must get a speech therapist, aside from a regular one. What hint are you even operating from right now? A girl from your computer game is crying and you talk to her with empathy, she gives you a tear-filled answer, and first then you freak out and understand your situation all of a sudden?

"GIRLS!!",Asriel screamed,running towards Chara,Frisk and Amy while crossing again the invisible barrier separating them from him. "I need to get out of here and destroy the game! She's going crazy for me!!! It's the only way I can save you all!"

"But how we can send you back?",Frisk asked,scratching her head as she tried to think on a solution.

Maybe if you established where the fuck you are and how you got here, that would help? You could have been teleported inside the game you want to destroy for all I know.

"Asriel?!",Monika screamed in shock,as she got up from her chair with a face that screamed 'I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!'.

You and me both.

"Get far from him,you devilish A.I!",Amy yelled towards Monika,taunting using her purse as a weapon.

"Uhm...uh-uhhhhm...",Chara nervously murmured,her mind boiling as she tried to find a solution. "AAAH!! HERE WE GO AGAIN! SORRY!",Chara screamed,before punching Asriel on the nose again. Asriel's reaction was to smile and thumb up towards his cousin.

Chara kept punching while Monika yelled with panic,trying to run towards her and stop the attack. As a answer,Amy hitted Monika straight in the face with her purse. As Asriel lost consciousness again,he saw from the corner of his eyes Amy and Frisk struggling to fetch away Monika away the best they could.

I was right, and it's not that surprising, since this is the solution that would make the least sense and would be the least satisfying one to have. Punching things for no valid reason while having no convincing confrontation with the antagonist what so ever. A villain that is foiled by its victims being victimized by someone else. At this point it almost feels like the author made up an excuse for Chara to have a free pass for abusing her family members.

Finally,Asriel found himself in his room,in the real world,in his real body. But soon,his joy was easily blasted away as he looked down and found the bodies of Chara,Frisk and Amy,all of them extended on the floor like corpses,even trough they were only unconscious. He began to cry,but not only because of sadness; it was also because of the rage and hatred he started to gain,that was being directed towards Monika.

Yeah, sure, get punched out of unconsciousness, but mope for a moment to pretend you've lost someone when all they are waiting for is you to get a clue, drama whore.

"ASRIEL!...I-i'm sorry...",Monika yelled and pleaded for a apologize from inside the computer,as she reached the limit of the screen. But Asriel didn't listen; he was snatching a hammer from his toolbelt,which was in his living room,and coming back to plug away the DVD. "W-what are you-...no...please...NO!"

"Do you think I'll listen to you?!",Asriel screamed into Monika's face,shocking the latter.

No, she would probably think to mind control you like all the other times she did with no effort, but the author has put your plot armor on now.

"This is MORE than JUST a game! Did you expect to gain my love covering yourself with your clubmate's blood?! And do the same for my FAMILY and girlfriend?! NO!!! What you did was insane,evil and wrong! I'm acting too late for the former ones,but the latter will be with me forever,and you can't help it! GOODBYE,MONIKA!",Asriel continued yelling,as his grasp on his hammer grew stronger.

But it's a three-fingered grip that can't be bothered to be used to find a pulse, so you be the judge.

Finally,he prepared to smash the DVD to pieces,and put a end to all this mess...

"STOP,PLEASE! I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!!!",Monika pleaded with all her strenghts. Despite Asriel wishing to destroy the DVD until nothing was left from it,his soft heart couldn't help but let Monika speak her 'last words' before meeting her death. "...I realized something as I heard you speak to me...you are right. I can't win your love...not with everything I did...but now its too late for me to redeem myself."

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I should have figured this insipid author wouldn't allow a justified bodycount to be established for her immature karma dodgers. Faced with her purely puerile takes on any and all conflict that must go in the favor of her narrative, the author now twists the entire conflict, force-feeding any reader that has come this far with a fake, saccharine bullshit ending that borders on a pretentious sob-story. Monika did something bad, oh, but now that the person who suffered her actions is telling her what she is doing is wrong she changes her ways. Put lube on next time you try to screw me over, author! You either must be dumb as bricks or think anyone else reading this are, because any payoff you wanted, any climax you desired from this, is either unearned or never even landed in the first place. You are presenting a solution that demands that everything that happened before it had turned out differently. In perfect fashion to your own style, you've substituted an ending where everything leading up to this has to pretend to have had different stakes and different points of conflict. Monika already knew what she was doing was wrong and did it anyway - you had her say as much!! Write your poem-peddling Doki Doki fix-fic somewhere else, author, or actually invest some genuine effort for the first time in this fanfic's putrid existence and write something redeemable within it!

"...Y-you realized you did bad stuff just now?...",Asriel asked,his tone breaking to a more Asriel-sounding softness. "*sigh*...you're right...you can't win my love now. Not taking my dearest friends away."

The fact, that he's too dumb to realize everyone is as unconscious as he was a moment ago, indicates that the author is the one with a head injury right now.

However,three voices lowly moaned in pain. Asriel looked down to see Chara,Frisk and Amy getting up and holding their heads in pain. "...T-thank you?...",Asriel awkwardly thanked Monika.

You released people from your thrall. That deserves a cookie.

"I'm glad about this,but now,I must do something...",Monika began to speak,as the other three also began to look at screen with curiosity. "I must restore the game back to its former state...I must bring my friends back. My friends...who weren't real,but were still my friends...Asriel?"

"Right-click the Recycle Bin icon for me, please?"

"Y-yes?!",Asriel asked,even more awkwardly,as he saw the background behind Monika start to glow in a blinding light.

"You'll be always in my heart.",Monika finished speaking with a sorrowful smile,as she herself was consumed by the blinding light. The Doki Doki Literature Club program closed itself up as soon as it all happened.

Where it will stay until his decade old hard-drive gets bricked or wiped, as her existence is evidently not tied to the DVD she got copied in from, which still can copy her cursed existence elsewhere, so what the fuck is the point even?

"...Asriel?",Amy was the first one to speak. "What happened?...i-its okay I won't be mad at you but...how this happened?"

"...I-I can't...",Asriel replied,feeling too shocked to speak properly.

No, that's not the shock. Hospital, now, so you can get a racist medical billing and have that payoff to the subplot that I called never would arrive.

"I-i'm sorry for not going in a date with you,Amy!...its okay if you hate me now...I am not even human like you..."

"...Hate you?",Amy asked,raising a eyebrow,then petting Asriel on the head. "How I could hate you? Your heart matters more to me than your appearence!"

And you only know he likes rainbows and stars. What else is there? You don't even know his taste in dating sims yet, how can you claim any insight to his heart, you harlot?

Hearing those words from people that weren't only his family was Asriel's biggest wish,and listening to it finally being realized made more tears roll down from Asriel's face. Tears of joy.

Tears of incest, that is, until the author gets a clue.

And so,he gave the biggest hug he could on Amy,and both of them began to laugh,as Chara and Frisk watched them.

"...we did it. Asriel did it.",Frisk said with a smile for Chara. "I'm so proud of him."

"Yeah...me too...even trough I ain't exactly proud of myself.",Chara agreed with a ashamed smile as she looked at her own fists.

Oh, are you going to have a 'at what cost' moment now, when you didn't even hesitate?

Just as she and Frisk went to the door,with the intention of leaving back to the Crystal Shack,they realized Alphys reached the scene just to watch Asriel and Amy cement their relationship,and was gleefully squeeing of joy.

...this is awkward,both Chara and Frisk thought.

Yeah, because Alphys probably wrote better fanfics than this one.

Well, that chapter was a fucking embarassment. Characters making random decisions and knowing half the plot by virtue of reading the script, and then capped off with something so meaningless as the antagonit shrugging their shoulders and reforming with no actual effect or convincing remorse. The solution to the plot was so innane that a vibrating Temmie could have accomplished the same effect. And the b-plot got burried in the opposite way I expected, without even a proper end to it. Some say Pearl is still staring at those lime jellos to this day. I can hardly predict the next chapter, though, and I'm fine with that, as it's the substitution of another collection of short stories. The chapter is titled 'Haunted Tales (for Curious Tourists)'. Is it fine if I just predict that it's going to be shit? Yeah, I'll go with that one.

YAT: 74
BTTP: 371
Want to read more of my mocks? Follow this link to my webpage.
Are you a former member of Project AFTER? Drop me a message, let me hear how things are going.

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