Phazon Emperor Reincarnated!

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Phazon Emperor Reincarnated!

Post by StabbyKobold » Fri Oct 04, 2019 2:22 pm

Here comes another gem from that wonderful world of throwing a dozen animes in a blender and hope the result turns out smooth. This is Phazon Emperor Reincarnated! by Crimson-Esper-Of-Ruin-Instinct, an author I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing on multiple occasions. This time it’s a Naruto / Metroid crossover with a dash of whichever source material can function as a steroid injection for the protagonist. And there’s going to be quite a few. The author spells out the plot off the get-go, so I’m skipping the summary this time. Enjoy.


Chapter 1

Naruto and Metroid multi x-over ficSummary: In the fourth shinobi war, a meteor fall from the sky, it wasn't one of madara's creation, it was like a crescent moon with blue marks. Naruto is ordered to investigate the meteor and inside he finds samus aran's PDP suit and dark samus, and upon absorbing more Phazon after his adventures with Samus in the other dimension the memories of his past life awaken.

Two sentences in and we’re already off the deep end. I knew from the title the author would take liberties with Metroid Prime’s brand of super empowering, mutagenic poison, but suddenly we’re saddled with past lives in other dimensions. Seems a bit lazy not to write that story instead of starting here.

After the war he becomes the jinchuriki of the nine bijuu and the new juubi, plus becoming Hagoromo Otsutsuki heir and succesor, but because of the new power he gains he is betrayed by the elemental nations except for a few. Tired of all the hate, Naruto modifies the leviathan and use it to go to space along the ones that haven't betrayed him.

Which are entire nations, if the author’s grammar is correct.

Phazon/Six Paths senjutsu/EMS/Tensei Juubigan Naruto/Tenseigan Naruto/Tenseigan Chakra Mode/Shikotsumyaku Naruto/Past-Life Reincarnation Naruto take no s* naruto, badass naruto, OP Genjutsu, Kenjutsu, Taijutsu, Fuuinjutsu Technology Creator, Scientist Naruto, Ninjutsu Master Naruto, Naruto stops hiding fic, Sojutsu, Bojutsu, Naginatajutsu, Shajojutsu, Gun Master, Magic and OP intelligent, Perceptive, cunning and crafty Naruto NarutoxMass Harem.

More professions and skills than a Barbie doll and with less personality. Arbitrarily listing the added character traits of your protagonist in a story summary is a giant red flag.

Main Crossovers: Naruto/Metroid/To Love Ru/HighschoolDxD/Percy Jackson And The Olympians/Harry Potter (Other crossovers will show)

Genres: Action, Fantasy, Adventure, Romance, Drama

Unintentional Comedy

Warnings: Hentai Crossovers, Sexual Content, Ecchi, Violence, Trolling, Blood, Gore, Sadism and Other Minor Crossovers (Skills, Abilities, etc)

Universe: Multiverse and Gameverse

Gameverse? It’s rare that I’m introduced to a new concept. Written definitions seems to label is as a universe shared by multiple games, but how is that supposed to be separate from multiverse?

Appearance: Hairstyle a mix of Timeskip Toshiro Hitsugaya and Aizen's in his Hougyoku form before the butterfly stage colored a clear slightly glowing celestial white near silver with blue, gold and crimson gelled bangs, Eyes are a blue/gold with a slitted pupil while the other is a jade emerald with yellow irises and a slitted pupil, will change after past life memorie unlock

You’re describing his appearance before even starting the story? Really?!

Outfit: Izaya Orihara 's Coat with Kaneki's battle suit underneath with combat boots

Power level: A mix of the juubi, kaguya and hagoromo, and all the abilities of all the shinobi

What powers does he have, you ask? All of them. Are you surprised? Because I’m not. Want to bet on how much conflict he’s going to have?

harem: Naruto x DarkSamus (Yomi Aran) x FemHaku x Fuu x Koyuki x Yugito x Samus Aran x Hinata x Ino x RoadtoninjaHinata(Hanako) x Road TO Ninja Ino (Yuko)x Road To Ninja female Kiba (Kina) x Road To Ninja Female Neji (Miko)x Road To Ninja Female Chouji (Choha) x Road To Ninja Female Lee (Lena) x Road To Ninja Sakura (Barahime) x Road To Ninja Female Sasuke(Sasumi) x Road To Ninja Tenten (Honomi) x Road To Ninja Female Shino (Umeko) x Road To Ninja Female Shikamaru (Mori) x karin x anko x fem sasuke (Sasuki) x Naruko x Honoka x Natsuhi x Hokuto x Female Shikamaru (Shiki) x Female Shino (Shina) x Female Chouji (Choki) x Female Sai (Saiko) x Female Juugo (Junko) x Female Suigetsu (Sugetsu) x Female Tenzo (Kinoe) x Karui x Samui x Kushina x Revived Mito x Revived Toka Senju x Kurotsuchi x Suzumebachi x Isarabi x Sasame x Ino x Sakura x Female Menma (Meni) x Hinata x Female Neji (Neia) x Tenten x Female Lee (Leia) x Hisame x Hanare x Sara x Shion x Fuka x Ryuuzetsu x Kaguya Otsutsuki x Female White Zetsu (Shiro) x Female Black Zetsu (Kuro) x Female Nagato and Six paths, x Female Sasori (Saomi) x Female Obito (Obiko - Slave) x Younger Sexy Koharu x Older Moegi x Female Older Konohamaru x Matsuri x Sari x Female Gaara x Temari x Female Kankuro x Pakura x Guren x Kurenai x Tayuya x Kin x Kagero x Anko x Yugao x Tsume x Yoshino x Tsunami x Mabui x Amaru x Female Bijuu's x Female Reibi x Mei x Ameyuri Ringo x Female Haku x Female Chojuro (Chojuri) x Kotohime x Mikoto x Older Hanabi x Fuen x Tou x Suzume x Tsubaki x Toki x Haruna x Shizuka x Tokiwa x Mebuki Haruno x Hana x Female Itachi (Itami) x Female Madara (Kurogami - Slave) x Female Killer B (Killer Queen) x Tsunade x Shizune x Female Toneri Otsutsuki x Kaguya Otsutsuki (Beginning harem).

Beginning harem?! That’s more than a hundred women! Including more than thirty genderbent men plus dimensional duplicates and a couple of just mistaken double entries! Why not just shorten it; he get’s all the women, and then some!

Bashing: Kiba, Jiraiya, Kakashi and other power hungry idiots and annoyances and Sick Perverts and arrogant morons.

That includes the protagonist, yes?

Author Note: I'd like to give special thanks to SoulEmbrace2010 for inspiring me with his awesome fics to give me the motivation to try multiverse and gameverse fics, I would also like to thank PhazonLordKaito for issuing me this fic idea and his insight on Metroid give these two authors a big applause and thumbs up so without further Ado let's get the show started, please note i might make a special Naruto multiverse series with lots of lemons and action like in Fox King Jm's fics but that remains to be seen so now let's start and please note this Naruto will be fucking OP if ya don't like don't read peace!

Ah yes, the weakest argument raised in defense of poor writing, bookending a 100+ word run-on sentence with blatant disregard for punctuation. And I hate it. Thinking that “don’t like, don’t read” somehow exempts one from criticism is simpleminded idiocy, and I’ll tell you exactly why. Author, allow me to be pedantic for a moment; I don’t “read” your stories. To “read” insinuates the consumption of a media regardless of context. I don’t read your stories, I criticize them. I dissect their meaning, I analyze their content, I evaluate their message. I consider the values and actions portrayed, the morality applied, and the framing with which it is presented. I do what none of your fans do, author; I consider the quality of your work.

The stuff that happens in any of your stories, to my knowledge, only happens because of one reason. You think it is cool. And it might have been cool, were it not for context. Consider explosions for a moment. Explosions are cool. But if an orphanage explodes, then it’s a horrible tragedy, regardless of how cool it looks. If the orphanage explodes for no reason, not only is it a tragedy, it doesn’t make sense. And if your personally endorsed explosion makes nuclear detonations pale in comparison, while every other explosion couldn’t knock down a house of cards, need I even state how ridiculous it becomes? No, I don’t like it, author. I don’t like that you hollow out established characters, stuff them full of wish fulfillment tropes, and ride them like a personal hobby horse until you’ve had your fill. But I take great enjoyment in giving it the ridicule it deserves.

One! One For The Money!

Two,It's two Cause it's two for the show!

Three! it's three, three get ready!

Are you ready motherfuckers?

Are You Ready?

With how much you’re stalling, are you? We could spend six more paragraphs on making Naruto even more powerful if you prefer.

Let's Go!


Phazon Genius Maelstrom


(Camp in the middle of the forests in Fire Country and Rice Country)

In this bustling camp of shinobis from every nation Kumo, Iwa, Kiri, Suna, Konoha, Taki, Oto, Sky, Takumi, Fang, Spring, you name it there was no hate except trust and orderly conduct as shinobis, medics rushed everywhere throughout the camp doing their jobs as quick as they could, some jumped over tents setup while commanders barked orders left and right.

Welcome to camp utopia, I guess.

The reason for this alliance is due to Akatsuki a criminal organization of S-rank nukenin seeking the enslavement of all Bijuu to create the infamous 10th Bijuu known as the Juubi No Ookami a.k.a Shinju the real plan was revealed by a masked woman Tobi and soon when all the Kage's refused to give up their jinchuuriki, she declared the Fourth Great Shinobi War on all the nations.

I know Akatsuki is a force to be reckoned with, but their numbers can usually be counted on two or three hands. Don’t you need more than that to call it a war?

Naturally A and Onoki suggested that Naruto and Kirajoo be put on the frontlines (the two mentioned agreeing) but Tsunade was stubborn saying they will be a liability if they play into Akatsuki's hands so easily, this offended Naruto and Kirajoo immensely at the fact Tsunade practically called them Weak to their faces, Naruto lost some of his respect for Tsunade and it showed whenever he was called in for an espionage mission he only called her Godaime-san or Tsunade-san showing zero respect for the blond Godaime, this put him at odds with certain ninja of Konoha especially his sensei Kakashi and mentor Jiraiya and Kiba since he shouldn't act like a spoiled brat in their words and he merely retorted coldly.

"What right doe's she have to tell me if i should fight against the organization that is after me and my kin's life so kindly fuck off i have stuff to do."

First off, she’s your boss. Second, the enemy wants to capture you, moron! Not giving them the opportunity seems kind of like the best strategy here. Kindly cram your disobedience complex back up where it belongs, you butt-hurt buffoon.

From there on he and his fellow jinchuuriki were rude, disrespectful and cold hearted to their bodyguards and leaders with Fu, Yugito, Utakami, Kirajoo being extra vicious when Jiraiya and Kiba tried peeking at them when they came back with blood in their clothes from killing Ame-nin that Akatsuki was now commanding publicly.

If it weren’t for the blood, I’m sure they would be much more amicable.

What nobody knew was that Naruto wasn't what they thought of him, during the 3 year training trip, Naruto fell through some kind of blue portal much to his shock and slight happiness, he was glad to think of stealing his heritage along with his oka-san's Fuuinjutsu and techniques and exercises off of the perverted manwhore of a godfather, however he didn't deserve the right to be a godfather to any child considering he left him to be continuous belitted, beaten, humiliated and tortured in the damned village of bigots and when he actually had a chance to fight back Jiraiya and Kakashi-baka came out of nowhere to knock me out and tried to twist his personality into what he'd expect from a martyr clueless idiot what a fucking bastard!

Yeah, yeah, boring stock ramblings of nonconformity against nonsensical oppression. Can we get back to this blue portal shit before you slip into first person more than once?

Naruto when he find himself in a different dimension concluded with sharp precision and intellect that there are several worlds and universe out there to explore, he heard of Orochimaru's scientific like mind but he did not do inhumane experiments on innocent children, no he experimented on the scum and dregs of the world, Nukenin, rapists, thugs, bandits, corrupt politicians and the corrupt bastards of Konoha that planned on raping him just to further break his mind so he will fear even thinking of getting close to any female at all, he discovered after his adventures with the buxom blond haired woman with blue eyes in a blue bodysuit was Samus Aran one of the first to survive and adapt to using the corroding energy Phazon, during one of the missions to destroy one of the Leviathans that was poisoning a planet with Phazon he took a full power Phazon blast head on from the Metroid Prime and managed to block it with his hands saving Samus from getting poisoned but instead he got the full strain after escaping with the cunning blond woman and had to stay a full month in the medical bay but as he slept the Phazon was being assimilated into his blood and dna, Kiyomi (Yin Kyuubi), and Kurami (Yang Kyuubi) saw the benefits of the Phazon and transformed the the Phazon into a fusion of pure blue and red Phazon leaving him with celestial blue Phazon, later when he got out of the medic bay he told Samus he had to return to his useless teacher so he won't arouse suspicion, he did however heard Samus confess to being up to sharing him after hearing of his life making him get a nosebleed at the images from the saucy smirk on her beautiful pink lips before jumping back through the portal he and his two Kyuubi-himes managed to reopen after using his chakra and their youki and saw only a day had passed whereas a full year passed back at tallion IV with Samus, so he set about a network of clones that would be training in chakra natures, ninjutsu, kenjutsu, Genjutsu, Fuuinjutsu, Jikukan-Ninjutsu, Summoning and bloodline training after finding out he had the Tensei Juubigan (Celestial Ten Tailed Eye, which is basically an upgraded version of the original Ten Tailed Eye and gives the wielder access to demonic elements and magic and boosted chakra affinities and even higher precognitive abilities and Boosted Chakra pathways along with the access to the Healing Light Element and is a mix with the doujutsu from Rise Of The Dragon Lion Saint and the Rinnesharingan except colored with a mix of silver and blue in the sclera, the rings and iris are gold and the tomoes are silver), He found out he also had Uchiha blood in him with Senju on his mother Kushina's side who returned to find him and he was absolutely ecstatic to see her in the living along with a blond haired woman named Mina who somehow reminded him of the Yondaime but it only took him a simple glance to see what was up and he calmly asked Mina why did she look female and so Mina formerly Minato explained that he was the avatar of the goddess's from above and their fiance and wanted him to have love back in his life so Minato and Kushina were brought back except Minato had to be a woman since he has no need for a father or mother figure, turns out Mina had Hyuga blood from her father's side while the infamous Namikaze Jinton (Swift Release) and godlike speed came from demonic ancestry a.k.a the bloodline of Sparda who came to this dimension to settle down in turn fell in love with Mina's grandmother and thus only a rare few were born with the Sparda bloodline, another part of the demonic ancestry was the Cruz bloodline allowing the souls collected from otherworldly beings and powerful foes to be commanded and manipulated in various ways and then there was the Belmont bloodline, Gabriel Belmont known as Eu Sunt Dracul was so powerful he eclipsed even the Juubi in sheer might, power and added with his combat experience and wisdom made him a force to be reckoned with, Naruto unlocked his Belmont and Cruz bloodline when he felt a call somehwere in Iwa No Kuni and was bitten by some blackhaired man much to his shock finding out it was his great ancestor Gabriel who turned to dust and transferred his knowledge to Naruto knocking him out for a few days to assimilate the memories of his battles and techniques he learned in his reign as Dracula and found out he didn't have to drink blood unless to boost his healing, his favorite techniques was the Shadow Whip and Blood weapons mainly knives and daggers.


Holy shit! Eight hundred and nine words or barely coherent plot synopses of fanfics that never were, and convenient funneling of bloodline abilities and acquired powers that is so utterly forced and contrived, it puts planetary alignment to shame. All of it in a single never-ending sentence with paragraph-filling topics nesting into each other. I apologize in advance, but I cannot just have this word salad of the author’s brain droppings pass by without picking at the nonsense. There’s like fifteen different things I want to touch on here, maybe more. I’ll try to be brief, but do forgive me if I end up spending an absurd amount of time trying to make sense of something that doesn’t even deserve the attention.

Firstly, the alternate dimension portal comes the fuck out of nowhere, no explanation given, yet Naruto is so hyper intelligent – because he couldn’t possibly not be – that he knows exactly what’s going on. Cut to out-of-place whitewashing of Orochimaru’s genetic research, and the mentioning that Naruto was targeted by rapists because they didn’t want him to get girls. Because those motivations and consequences are totally logical and not at all an extension of the author’s alpha male monopoly scheme. Whiplash back on track, events from Metroid Prime 3 takes place, with Naruto becoming infected with Phazon – a virulent, self-replicating and radioactive substance with destructive agency. Never mind that it’s a literal poison that reduces the infected into aggressive drones, since Naruto is a fanfic protagonist there is of course nothing bad about this; powers acquired, no effort exerted. Samus, by virtue of having a vagina, is inexplicably enamored with Naruto, because the author couldn’t understand romance even if he looked in a dictionary, and so Naruto returns home – because he can now somehow, shut up – with an IOU booty call. But we can’t possibly have Naruto muck about in dimensions unknown for a year and have it inconvenience him of coming up with an excuse or, heavens forbid, actually explain what happened, so time itself is made his bitch and only a day has passed in his home dimension. This means, that by the time of the Fourth Shinobi World War begins, anywhere between 300 and 1000 years would have passed for Samus, and you might just begin to realize the extent to which the author bothers to consider the logical conclusions of his plot contrivances. A whole lot of power endowment is then glossed over, Naruto learns everything, and finds out, through means that pretends to not be the author just saying so, that he’s got the best of the best of the redundantly best abilities, which are so cool and awesome and special that I haven’t stopped gagging yet.

The composition of Naruto’s blood is then opened for discussion, BUT WAIT, we must absolutely know that Naruto is not only god’s avatar but also her fiancé, and that despite having seemingly no trouble gaining female attention, he needed more love in his life – and the solution was to resurrect his parents, turning his father into a woman in the process. Because he didn’t need his parents, no, he needed sex partners, and the author does not have a concept of shame. While Naruto already has gotten powers left and right, it turns out his blood is chock full of them, as crossovers from Devil May Cry and Castlevania are shoved into the story without any sense to how they would fit without the excuse of alternate dimensions. For some reason, Dracula himself shows up and bites Naruto, because I guess Naruto had an off day and left himself vulnerable to attack or something, and dies while leaving Naruto with even more power, for reasons that the author doesn’t bother to even pretend exists. The author’s chosen vessel is now nothing but a saran-wrapped sculpture of the forcibly maximized potential of a dozen widely different yet somehow not volatilely incompatible genetic, spiritual, and ass pulled powers. He’s adored by bounty hunters in space, catered to by demons within, betrothed to goddesses above, and the author is NOT. FUCKING. DONE YET!

Naruto had to train himself harshly to keep his new abilities and power suppressed since his Phazon, Vampiric enhanced body gave a very alluring aura and up until now he sought to only train himself in the last of his bloodlines being the Byakugan and Sharingan and was shocked as hell upon having the highest advanced version Yomi'Ou Byakugan (Dark King Evil Eye) and the Eien No Mangekyou Sharingan (Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan) and brought back Sasuki and her older twin sister Sasumi back when Orochimaru thought his pupils had me outpowered and outskilled but Naruto merely used the Darkness Bringer Genjutsu (Kokuangyo No Jutsu) upgraded to Low S-rank from the Mid-A rank at it's full power and it allowed him the perfect cover to use his Yomi'Ou Byakugan to shut their tenketsu's down, he was a natural at all fields of the shinobi and even samurai arts, Neia and her older twin Miko beside Hinata and Hanako and their mother Hisana Hyuga helped him learn the locations of the pressure points, acupuncture and tenketsu before moving onto the stances, he corrected his mistakes on the go impressing the Hyuga matriarch who took over the Hyuga clan after finding out Hiashi her husband planned on having Naruto assassinated due to sensing he had more power than he should have seeing him as a threat but, Hisana executed him along with the elder council while sweeping it under the rug to not raise suspicion while they supported him completely.

Oh, woe is he whose potluck stew of a genetic code renders him irresistible to women. Again, Naruto gets saddled with only the best powers, every man in his life that isn’t targeted for bashing suddenly has compatible genitals, and women are so enamored that they teach him everything they know and jump directly to spousal killing for any ill intent. This is the culmination of every shamelessly twisted idea stolen by the author and fused into the amalgamation now bearing a Naruto nametag. A concept so saturated in the male fantasy and self-indulgence of that which would gratify vicarious readers that Marty Stu becomes an insufficient term. Welcome to the author’s purest fantasy – the essence, no, the very epitome of infantile idealization of masculinity and all things coveted by the “edgy is mature” mindset of hormonal teenage idiosyncrasy. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Manly Stu!

Naruto loved all of the girls equally but wanted to wait till he dealt with the threats out there and that included Jiraiya, Kakashi-baka and several others he had it out for and wanted to make disappear.

So deep is his love that he must eliminate all of his problems before he’ll act on it.

Now our hero was relaxing in his tent with seals that allow only those he trusted to enter, he was wearing a short sleeved dark blue skintight anbu turtleneck, burnt orange pants and black sandals while laying back on his futon trying to get catch some Z' before he'd implement his plan to drop this henge he had on himself.

It’s a tent. He might as well have put seals on a cardboard box.


"Ack! what the fuc-shit!" Naruto's upper body shot up eyes wide pulling off his covers to see his pants unzipped and his 14 in cock being sucked, licked and slurped by a spiky long haired brunette girl with thick whisker marks, fangs and scarlet red slitted eyes wearing mesh leggings, black shinobi sandals, opera length fingerless gloves with brown red belts around the forearms, thigh length tight biker shorts, a tight red bikini bra accenting her high E-cup borderline G cup breasts covered by an ankle length hooded trenchcoat with fur collar and cuffs and clawed hands.

With an outfit that loud, I’m surprised we didn’t hear her enter the scene. So, which one of the triple digit number of women is this?

"Ohaiyo Naruto-danna-sama..." Naruto was shocked recognizing this girl due to the fact he remembered her from a different time after he learned how to travel to different dimensions and ended up in an alternate one.


The suddenly female version of an evil Naruto from an alternate dimension, kicking the debauchery off with semi-incest. Gotcha. It doesn’t quite explain how she is able to be here, though.

All he received is a deep long suck and slurp making him groan clutching his sheets, his image flickered showing longer sharper fangs making her giggle delightfully. "Come on Naru-danna-sama..." He sucked in a sharp breath feeling her grinding against his wet cock feeling how hot her pussy was from the heat radiating from it. "Fucking dammit Meni-chan i haven't revealed myself for Kami-hime's sake!" Meni blinked at that and giggled sheepishly bopping her head sticking out her tongue cutely earning a deadpan look from him.

If this bimbo managed to get within successful dick-sucking distance of this master of all things shinobi without him noticing, how is this idiot supposed to defend against Akatsuki assassins?

"Since i've been awakened might as well slowly let my henge loose and see what Tsunade-sama wants..." Naruto sighs rubbing his head wondering if things were going to be more tense between him and the Slug Princess.

“Since I’m up, I might as well reveal myself as a sex-beast to every hole on two legs.” This is what it means; I know where the author is going.

"Hai~ i'll be waiting for you a kilometer from the camp when you get sent on a mission." Naruto looked at her as she vanished in a swirl of shadows pondering her words. 'Mission?' Shrugging at Meni's cryptic words and zipped his pants back up before walking out of the tent with a bored sigh knowing this is gonna get the old perverted baka's attention.

"Kai..." Naruto murmured as he walked past everyone sending out slow small bursts of chakra beginning the progress of removing parts of the henge.

He’s doing an illusion striptease?

Sakura who was finishing patching up Kanka Sabaku stopped to stare at her teammate with flushed cheeks upon seeing his lanky appearance fill out with lean yet slightly bulky intimidating muscle, an angular jawline and sharp feral features, his eyes turned to a heterochromia blue/gold with a slitted pupil and the other a jade emerald with yellow irises and a slitted pupil, she felt her panties wetten at his sharp yet beautiful intimidating eyes.

Just as I suspected. Now we just need to have random men cowering at the same display, and the author will have filled his quota.

'Naruto-kun?! when did he become s-so sexy...' Her inner influenced her thoughts making her purr with a nosebleed gazing at him dreamily.

Why isn’t she assuming that he’s using a henge to appear like this, rather than the other way around? This is “Mr. Harem no Jutsu” after all.

His orange/black jumpsuit melted away into a pitch black form fitting battlesuit with a black coat with grey fur adorning the hood, hemline and sleeve cuffs coming down to his thighs making it look very comfortable and flexible, followed by form fitting gloves with white pads that crackled with electricity for a second, a chain like belt around his waist that sparked with flames and combat boots.

His hair suddenly turned more spiky with a gelled slick exterior to it the fringe hanging over his eyes, while the rest of his hair was swept back giving him a menacing appearance and the most shocking thing was his hair turning a glowing celestial white near on silver with blue, gold and crimson gelled bangs enhancing his features even more and to everyone's shock his whisker marks vanished showing baby smooth cheeks void of baby fat.

Why don’t you just come out and say it, author? This is not Naruto anymore. This is your self-insert OC, whose personality, abilities, and appearance is nothing like the person he pretends to be. In general, every wish fulfillment fanfic I’ve read has to some extent been a surgical transplantation of the main character with the author’s ideal version of themself. Here it’s just a full replacement. Naruto is dead; long live the author’s wet dream!

"N-naruto-kun?" Naruto stopped upon hearing the squeaky surprised voice of Hinata, the younger twin of Hanako and slightly older than Hanabi and raised an eyebrow before turning around causing his coat to sway in the wind along with his hair facing Hinata who's face turned crimson pink with a nosebleed much to his amusement.

"Ara is my dear little Nezumi-chan having lewd thoughts?"

Do you have anything but? I’m asking you, author.

Hinata squeaked louder upon him appearing beside her leaning over into her personal space which was arousing the heiress to no end. "N-no i wasn't thinking anything lewd at all!" She denied too quickly only to whimper seeing his teasing smirk widen unknowingly she was aroused even more by it. "Your jasmine scented aroma is very inticing Hina-hime..." He leaned forward whispering into her ear with honey soaked seductive words causing her blushing levels to go into overload and smoke to exit from her ears and started to look at him dazed. "Naru-kun so sexy..." She muttered over and over with rising lust and pheromones, the other kunoichi's of the rookies peeked out of their tents hearing the commotion only for their faces to redden at the sight of their crush's new looks.

"Ok he is so not troublesome!" Shiki had hearts in her eyes along with Choki and Ino.

The pussy parade need only glance in his direction, and they are smitten as per author decree.

"Naruto're looking delicious today..." A mane of spiky nightshade tinted hair went over Naruto's shoulder followed by a pair of slender wandering soft hands, looking over his shoulder he came eye to eye with a dark eye'd bombshell of a woman, she wore a grey short sleeve zip up shirt with a high collar with it open showing her DDD-cup cleavage with a purple rope tied into a bow at the back, tight biker shorts and thigh length mesh stockings, a mesh undershirt and shinobi sandals while sheathed behind her was a chokuto class Kusanagi, cute pink succulent lips and high cheekbones giving her a royal sexy look.

"Quit calling me dobe chicken ass shaped hair-chan." Naruto replied in annoyance being called dobe, Sasuki gained a tic-mark pouting at him, "Don't call me chicken ass shaped hair-chan baka!"

I would give anything to have the both of them stop talking. Naruto can’t walk two steps without tripping over author-customized centerfold models, and everyone talks like they’re doing cringy roleplay on otaku forums. I’ve seen parodies that weren’t this ridiculous!

She gave him a cute glare which he merely chuckled at earning ones from the shinobis passing by at the tense atmosphere vanishing and relaxed a bit to not allow the stress to get to them.

"So ruto-kun what's with the new looks?" Temari said eye humping him all over wearing a regular Suna Jounin outfit with her fan at her side.

He deadpanned speaking in a drawl half monotone half sarcasm, "I didn't want the konoha sheep to harp on and on about the so called demon getting stronger than it's betters mostly from Kiba always bitching about something like he is about to in the next few minutes..." Naruto finished with the same deadpan expression getting similar deadpan looks at them knowing of the easily jealous Inuzaka chuunin.

Kiba is such an asshole that he can’t even show up for his own bashing on time, so everyone has to start without him.

"I would not be surprised if he thought Hinata-chan belonged to him since you're just a dobe to him and kunoichi are weak." Hana Inuzaka scoffed in derision knowing her brother's thought process when it came to being a shinobi and women in general.

Yes, of course, it’s everyone else who is sexist, and not the author’s sock puppet, whose collection of harem entries are checked off a list.

Hinata's eyes flashed dangerously, "Hana-chan please note that i will cut your little brother's nuts and pecker off with my Gentle Fist if he even thinks of trying to be intimate with me or if he even dares think i belong to him!" Hana raised her hands up in surrender with raised eyebrows while Sasuki, Ino, Sakura and Temari snickered picturing what Hinata will do to the sexist dog bastard. "Twenty ryo says Kiba tries to hit on her when i'm not around." Naruto snorted, this earned a bored look from Shiki who smirked, "Thirty-five ryo says he tries to assert his false dominance in front of everyone and make a spectacle out of it."

He’ll basically do everything Naruto did, but fail because the author isn’t using him as an avatar.

Naruto then scoffed sensing where Shiki's thoughts were heading, "Screw that i'm not taking that sucker bet no mater how much luck i have sorry Shiki but i'm alot smarter than that." He teased the pouting lazy nara Kunoichi who blushed hearing the others snigger behind their calm facades.

"Troublesome baka's!" They all laughed at Shiki's puffed up cheeks but bore a smile before a konoha jounin appeared looking at Naruto sternly.

I guess Kiba got someone else to substitute as the fun police.

"Jinchuu- i mean Uzumaki-san." The man corrected upon seeing those menacing eyes turn to him wondering when did the demon brat get the balls to glare at him with such apathy and annoyance but decided to report back to the civilian council not seeing Naruto, Sasuki and her twin Sasumi (RTN Female Sasuke as Sasuki's twin) cold gazes on him.

Turning around Naruto whispered to the twins, "dispose of the ignorant vermin after Tsunade gives me a mission if you wish to have fun with them, do as you please..." The twins smirked darkly and gleefully as small foldable men razor's slowly slid from the two Uchiha twin's sleeves.

Half of an insult against Naruto and a member of his own village is marked for torture and death. And it is met with nothing but glee from the mannequins dancing to his tune. The author sure knows how to write villains, he just doesn’t know when he is writing them.

"Let's go Sasuki-chan, Ka-Naru-kun has given us an assignment, i no longer have to hide behind this fake loyal facade anymore..." Sasuki narrowed her eyes at the slip of tongue but nodded with a widening smirk vanishing in shadowy flickers.

(with Naruto)

As in the current scene? Okay.

"The headaches are getting worse..." Naruto muttered under his breath pinching the bridge of his nose feeling his brain pulse again and his body ache something fierce, 'Kiyomi-chan, Kurami-chan, girls do you know what's going on?' He questioned his Bijuuhimes, yes Naruto had all nine tailed beasts within him thanks to Roshi and the others agreeing that their partners were safer with him despite missing their friends the former jinchuuriki were left with their own self regenerating youki networkd ensuring they could go into their tailed cloak states, Fu, Yugito, Kirajoo and Amaru talked to him about his plan to leave the Elemental Nations soon and discussed their relationships with him and to his happiness they accepted to share him, he knew Samus would be delighted to hear this, Sasumi also informed him of his hidden love interests that they wanted to join his harem because he had a big enough heart for more than just a few.

Basically, Naruto hoards every tailed beast for himself, yet somehow made some of the former possessors – whom of course are all women – able to use their powers despite this. On top of this, even more pussy is thrown his way, because the only kind of relationship that exists in this fanfic is “the more, the merrier”. Can we go two paragraphs without tangenting into wish fulfillment?

Kami-hime above he was getting off track, he sighed tiredly wondering if Tsunade will plead forgiveness again and expect for him to act like some obedient child.

"Naruto-kun don't let this stress you out, Tsunade is just worried for your wellbeing and doesn't really know of the real you, give her another chance but keep her at a distance until you are sure of her motives...although something tells me it won't be long..." Kiyomi muttered to herself at the last part to herself nodding to her fellow kin knowing something will happen.

She has a vagina. The author is practically incapable of vilifying her on those grounds.

'Did you say something Kiyomi-chan?' Naruto questioned with narrowed eyes barely catching her words only to get a negative nod urging him to go on making him sigh wondering why they were acting so suspicious but thought nothing of it.

"It seem's his past life's memories are starting to re-surface after all this time..." Chomei a green haired mocha skinned girl wearing a lime green kimono with black insect designs with small straw sandals and socks on her feet said in a cute yet wise voice.

"I just hope he will not be angry at us for not telling him..." Matatabi murmured softly appearing with dark skin, nightshade blue spiky hair tied back into a ponytail (Yoruichi hairstyle) followed by a pair of of black and blue daisy dukes, sandals, a white t-shirt sitting back lazily.

"Yeah...i know he will..." Kurami muttered under her breath with worry (Orange haired Momoyo Kawakami while Kiyomi is a dark red haired Venelena from DxD).

Tailed beasts prettied up as per the author’s fetish preferences. I think I’ll call them Tailed Breasts. I have no idea how they know about Naruto’s past life, nor how they know that this is what is happening. I don’t even know where they are. The author’s writing borders on incomprehensible.

Naruto soon reached a wide tent with people coming in and out before giving him wide berth upon sensing the power radiating from him much to his dark amusement upon seeing their so-called punching bag glaring back at them. 'This punching bag is about to start punching BACK!' His eyes briefly flashed red with a trickle of demonic energy causing a few genin passing by to piss their pants making him laugh mockingly seeing them run away with tears.

"Lady Tsunade may see you Naru..." Shizune exited only to trail off upon seeing this white haired adonis and blushed stuttering.

And there we have it. Modus operandi of the author completed. The Manly Stu flexes the bare minimum of power, causing men to flee in terror while women are awestruck with lust. It’s a fucking deodorant commercial meme, a complete joke, and yet the author pines for it to be a reality. I laugh, but I laugh in pity.

"Well well if it isn't Zune-chan..." Naruto smirked whispering huskily in her ear making the brunette moan feeling a wave of arousal nearly knock her over. "N-n-n-n-na!" Her surprised squeal was interrupted when Naruto locked lips with her shoving his tongue down her throat much to her sudden shock at her Otouto being so bold! Her garbled moans gained another pitch when he stuck his hands down her pants rubbing her slowly dampening pure blue near see through panties.

Casual sexual assault as a greeting, what a charmer.

"N-n-naru-otouto-kun!" She stuttered humping his fingers lustfully as his demonic energy caused another wave of arousal over the brunette medic and orgasmed with a small shriek that she was thankful her master didn't hear.

"Catch up with ya later Zune-chan i might give you another..." He gave her ear a lick leaving a panting blushing and highly aroused Shizune who walked off to her tent to get rid of this ache in her pussy.

Not reporting his inappropriate behavior to the authorities, heavens no. He’s the author avatar. He can do no wrong. If he kicked a puppy, why, it simply had it coming.

"Naruto?!" Tsunade looked up hearing Jiraiya's horrified yelp and her jaw dropped cracking the ground as did Mei's, Chojura, Mabui, Samui, Karui and Pakura and Anko, Kurenai, Mebuki, Naruko his sister and even Kushina and as they looked him over they all blushed like ripe tomato's.

'When did the g-Naruto-kun get so...handsome!' Tsunade's inner pervert drooled at the sight of him.

'Naruto-san looks so cool...' Samui calculated inwardly with a wide blush and wet panties.

'Where the hell was this guy hiding those looks and muscles!?' Karui yelled in her mind with rosy cheeks.

Do we really have to do this? We know women find him attractive now. Nametag differentiated versions of, “OMG, he’s so hot, I want to fuck him,” gets old really fast, author.”

'Naruto-kun! when were you this hot!?' Anko, Kurenai and Yugao who just walked in shouted in lust in their minds practically undressing him with their eyes.

'N-naruto-san is so...dreamy...' Pakura and Mebuki blushed appreciating his handsome features.

Naruko blushed like a wild berry at the sight of her Onii-chan's new looks 'Oh kami Onii-chan is so hot! I hope he won't be mad if i offer my virginity to him...' Her nose bled at the mental image of her Onii-chan pounding her womb like a wild animal (Naruko looks like canon Naruto's Sexy No Jutsu except the neon orange pants are now the length of biker shorts with the top half being short sleeve down to her elbows with DDD-cup breasts straining against her black shirt).

I’m starting to see a pattern here. And by “starting to”, I mean I’ve stopped ignoring it. Physically inhibiting breast sizes, daisy dukes, fur lined coats; for someone this much into ninja chicks, the author is seriously messing up the aesthetic.

'W-when did soichi-kun get so hot!' Kushina blushed beet red trying not to drool not seeing Mina in the same state.

'Dammit Shini-chan i didn't think this is what it feels falling for your own son!' She tried to ignore the growing arousal that seemed to be caused from Naruto's aura.

Tilting his head Naruto smirked, "Ara? are such respectable kunoichi having lewd thoughts about me?" Their jaws snapped close with a click with wild rosy cheeks looking in the other direction not seeing A and the other Kage besides Mei laughing their asses off at Naruto's stunt.

Their regression to being controller by their baser needs is not surprising given the author’s track record. I’m more concerned as to why they are all in this scene together.

"H-hai e-eto N-naruto-s-kun w-we've discovered a meteorite that fell from the sky radiating a weird energy any of the scouts that tried getting close were incinerated by some blue beam of light." Tsunade explained trying to keep her blush invisible and trying not to sound like a shy school girl not seeing Naruto's raised eyebrow.

"Are you asking assigning me this mission as a jinchuuriki or Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze?" His stoic question caught them off guard with Tsunade being the most stunned at the out of nowhere question.

Maybe because she didn’t give him a mission yet, only a news report. It feels like there are more holes in this story than in the collective fishnets worn by Naruto’s harem.

'W-what is he say-' Her mental thoughts stopped realizing why he asked that question and her eyes softened deeply with remorse and sadness remembering her stubborn actions at the Kage Summit and how she lost his respect and affection.

"I am asking this from Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze The Nidaime Kiroi Senko." Naruto's eyebrows raised up to his hairline hearing the renewed strength and confidence in Tsunade's voice and detected a seal being destroyed and turned menacing eyes at a scowling Jiraiya who blanched seeing his godson's glare on him.


Author, do you mind coming out of your hentai induced haze and explain what is going on to the rest of us?

"Very well call off the scouts since i don't want to have their stupid deaths on my mind for getting killed by not messing with things beyond their understanding." Tsunade nodded at his answers not caring about his words for the other Konoha-nin since she knew he held some resent and hate for the villagers and shinobi of Konoha.

"Later Tsunade-hime, time for Chaos and Discord to play." Jiraiya's eyes zeroed in on two guns strapped to Naruto's hips, they looked like double barreled Colt Pythons, one had a red handle while the other was a crimson red with a black-white lined handle.

He uses guns?! I mean, it was part of the summary skill lineup, but really?!

"To think my own pupil uses guns of all disgraceful." Naruto stopped upon hearing Jiraiya's scathing remark much to everyone shock at his audacity and the fact Naruto uses guns.

"Jiraiya-teme what the fuck is your problem!?" Kushina screeched unsheathing Benihime, Naruko unsheathed Zabimaru and the others their own blades and kunais.

"I'm just saying that Naruto shouldn't have such a handicap when he could just use Ninjutsu and it's cowardly anywa-"

"Whatever limp dicked geezer." Naruto's voice said everyone turned to him seeing him looking bored, "May i just go already so i don't have to listen to the Gama-baka's whining."

Naruto’s fan club is on Jiraya’s ass like a social media lynch mob for simply disagreeing with Naruto’s choice of weaponry – as he rightly should! Guns are a liability when compared to the rest of his arsenal. Never mind the “cowardly” nonsense or the fact that guns may not even exist in-universe, choosing to use one comes with a whole host of problems. They require maintenance; they rely on finite ammunition; they are the antithesis of stealth; and considering every ninjutsu, phazon, vampiric, and demon power Naruto now has, they are probably a SLOWER way to kill someone. But the author thinks guns with edgy names are cool, so fuck any form of logic!

He rolled his eyes walking away ignoring Jiraiya's derisive snort before suddenly he screamed when the teen spun around quickdrawing Chaos (Red handle one) with a spin popping the hammer several times before twirling it back into his holster before leaving through the tent flap.

"Eh? Hmph brat missed and doesn't even know how to aim th-"


Jiraiya froze feeling a breeze run across his body and looked down only to screech in horror when he saw his clothes were shredded to nothing leaving his tiny manhood in view and tried to cover it only to try and cover himself upon hearing the loud ass laughter from everyone in the tent while Kushina was rolling on the floor laughing her ass off, Mina had an amused vindictive smirk on her face.

Bullets that strips people of clothing, targeted against a ninja who does nothing to act on the attack. And of course he’s got a micropenis, because the author’s fee-fees can’t handle pee-pees bigger than his own. Every bit of infantile contrivance in this mess of a story is trying to give me an aneurism.

"What was that Jiraiya-san? Something about not being able to aim correctly?" Mina questioned mockingly earning a humiliated growl from the Toad Sage cursing Naruto and planned to seal away his memories and rebellious attitude this time permanently and stomped out with a flap over his form not seeing Kushina, Mina, Anko and several others look at each other and nod even Onoki, A and Mei.

"You know what Naruto-dono's plan is wait for the right moment."

Wait for the right moment to do what? Kill everyone he doesn’t like? Because that sounds like something the author avatar would do now.

"Hai, Mei-chan...Tsunade-chan walk with me i know you are confused as to what we're talking about but once you learn of Konoha's actions concerning Uzu you will change your mind." Kushina answered solemnly and walked out with a confused yet scared looking Tsunade.

(Back With Naruto)

Naruto looked at the map given to him by one of the guards north of the camp and saw the meteorite's hit location looked to be a few clicks northeast of where the camp sat. Nodding to himself he rolled the map up placing it in his pouch and walked out of the camp passing by Shina a buxom black haired girl with luscious locks framing her cute cheeks and pink lips and wore goggles hiding her eyes and wore a coat that hid her form from view.

Must be a form-fitting coat, if it can’t hide that she’s buxom.

"Hey dead-last what are you doing leaving the camp, Jiraiya-sama hasn't allowed you or your kind to leave!" Naruto felt the headaches act up again upon hearing Kiba's loud obnoxious voice and rubbed his forehead and simply just continued walking. "Inuzaka-san leave me the hell alone already i do not have time for your shit!" Naruto snapped coldly making them flinch back while Kiba ignored the threat and simply took it as the dead-last blowing hot air and aimed to beat him to the ground again.

Unless Naruto reapplied his henge, the dumbass strawman that is Kiba shouldn’t even be able to recognize him. He’s wearing all black, got white hair with tri-color bangs, and his whisker marks are gone. The fact that anyone recognizes him is an enigma!

"Hehe please dead-last you making Pein retreat was a big fluke always knew you were nothing but a loser, i bet your clan would b-" Naruto's eyes blazed and suddenly appeared in Kiba's face grabbing him by the throat chokeslamming him while using his foot to sweep his feet out and slammed him hard causing a crater in the ground causing a commotion before drawing Chaos pulling the hammer back pointing it at Kiba's skull and with a very venomous tone spoke, "You ever try and bring my parent's into your stupid arrogant childish insults i will drop the Inuzaka clan by 1 heir by blowing your brains all over the fucking ground am i fucking clear Inuzaka Kiba!?" Kiba eye'd the barrel fearfully and shakily replied nodding, "Y-y-y-yeah crystal clear Naruto!" Snorting Naruto dropped his grip before stalking off and simply jumped more like leaped off the ground vanishing into the foliage leaving the others gaping in astonishment.

Why would they do that? They are all ninjas. This is what they do!

"Stupid baka always barking your mouth off like you're some kind of alpha pathetic!" Shina spat with an upset tone and gave her teammate a kick to the ribs swiftly cracing one of them making him moan in visible pain.

Kurenai who saw everything that happened glared coldly at her obnoxious macho-minded student, "You stupid arrogant fool to think i considered you as one of my surrogate children puts a sour taste in my mind to have even trained you, for that stunt you can lay there on the ground and let your own wounds heal and see how you like it when you're tasting dirt for once!" She hissed harshly stalking off in the same state as Shina to comfort the bug girl leaving a growling Kiba.

How dare Kiba get his ass handed to him, by someone doing everything he’s being accused of but everyone likes!

"Damn bitches need to know when to butt out." He grumbled not knowing Hanako and Hinata heard his words from his lips moving decided to take on their own little assassination mission.

'This is for all those times you tried to come onto me and try to hurt Naruto-kun because of your stupid doglike ways!' Hinara sneered venomously and stalked away.

"You are a disgusting asshole Kiba-teme!" Sakura scowled dangerously with a glint in her eyes backed up by Ino, Kina, Mori, Umeko and Anko making him gulp before screaming in terror as they literally beat the ever living hell out of him.


Dissenting opinions and voiced slights are met with ridiculously disproportionate anger and violence. And here I was wondering why online mob mentality didn’t surprise me anymore.

(20 mins later with Naruto - Approaching Meteor's location)

Naruto who was going hyperspeed tree jumping stopped suddenly ears twitching up hearing the agonized scream and plead for mercy making his lips twitch up into a dark half smirk making Kiyomi and the others shudder in arousal. 'Ara seem's like Sakura-chan and the girl's decided to give the little bastard their fists of fury...meh good enough for me it'll be much sweeter when i rip the little punk's spine out of his ass..' Kiyomi cackled gleefully.

"Oh please do K-naruto-kun i want to see the looks on their face when you kill that little obnoxious cockbite like that but first i want to go make some popcorn be right back huhuhuhu!" Naruto chuckled fondly hearing Kiyomi drag Matatabi and Chomei with her to the kitchen inside the seal.

I could go on and on about Sadist McNinja and his Bijuu Bitches’ behavior, but how the fuck does he hear screams travelling at the speed of sound, when he’s going at hyperspeed in the opposite direction?

He narrowed his eyes standing up suddenly sensing the Phazon energy location he was quickly approaching and picked up the pace the world around him becoming a blurring rainbow of colors as he kicked his speed up several notches, his coat flapping in the breeze and he enjoyed the wind whipping across his face.

'There!' Snapping his eyes open wider his blue/gold eye suddenly gained blue glowing pulsing veins around the socket which looked very ominous on him and suddenly darted to the left feeling the energy signature of regular blue Phazon letting out a sonar like pulse.

"So that's it huh?..." After landing on a tree top he saw what looked like a meteorite but he recognized it from the things he learned from Samus that it was actually a Leviathan-class Space Pirate ship mutated by a Phazon core and saw the blue wriggling corpses of some Konoha scouts and some of Taki's getting an indifferent snort but his eyes said otherwise, showing nothing but disdain,

The reason, I can only assume, is that those corpses weren’t female named characters, who would stare longingly at him for merely existing.

"You thought i was a loyal little pet for you to take your stress out on huh? I never forget all the beatings you ignorant bigots gave me oh no! I never forgot and now you think i'll help Konoha after all it's done to me and my family i don't think so..." He whispered maliciously and suddenly a dark blue spot appeared under his coat on the back of his battlesuit before nine blue flesh foxlike tails with red ominous veins glowing sprouted from his back (Rinkaku-type from Tokyo Ghoul) appeared from under his coat which he tossed to the side with the veins appearing near his other eye socket except pulsing crimson this time and grimaced feeling like something was cracking in his head and sighed jumping from the tree's landing a few feet away from the ship's opened hatch and narrowed his eyes seeing the wriggling corpses stand up with glass like blue pupilless eyes before roaring at him suddenly firing bolts of Phazon in a rapid fire fashion only to miss as he phased in and out of the way with inhuman speed avoiding the bolts of blue phazon before spearing one of the Phazite corpses through the skull and heart before tossing it away hard into a tree making it implode with a boom into blue reddish paste. "Is that all you mindless fledgelings can do is fire barrages of those weak Phazon bolts?"

Is that all the author can do; pull Phazon powered cannon fodder out of his ass and expect it to create tension?

He smirked coldly cracking his pointer finger making the last five creatures flinch back at his intimidating appearance, "Bansho Ten'in" Naruto curled his fingers upward as his eyes flashed with silver tomoes and gold rings, a Taki Phazite screeched in terror as it was pulled violently from it's position in a tree being risen higher in the air before it saw the finger gesture their predator did pointing down with a sadistic grin before it's life ended like it's brother exploding from the violent impact.

"Ara, ara?" Naruto chuckled cruelly and sadistically eyes glinting, his Phazon tails wriggling in response to its master's rising bloodlust, the Phazites looked at one another than him before spreading out suddenly on all sides of their killer getting a raised eyebrow with a dull expression as if they did something so old it was boring to look at.

I see these words written by the author himself, and I pray that he one day manages to attain self-awareness of his work.


I hate to interrupt the pulse pounding action, but there's a character limit on these posts. Continuing in the next one.

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Re: Phazon Emperor Reincarnated!

Post by StabbyKobold » Fri Oct 04, 2019 2:23 pm

Let's continue.


"You know it will be painless if you give up and let me kill besides prolonging the inevitable?" The Phazites roared/screeched in anger, before rushing in at him on all sides thinking he couldn't deal with all of them on his own only to feel the sensation of their death approaching as his smile went more crazed and his eyes glowed with a sinister blue glow with a red tiny dot that turned an orange red before a small beam blasted from them with the sound of a small sonic boom hitting one in the chest turning it into blue phazite mush shocking them despite their bloodthirsty addled minds and heard the ominous swishing sound again and barely dodged another beam of death only to hear a very loud noise.

I can totally see why him name dropping his guns at the mission assignment was so important now.


Their heads turned around mechanically hearing the noise and despite their barely intelligent minds their eyes bulged to the size of dinner plates seeing a mountain in the distance explode in tiny little pieces of large rubble, even Kiyomi and the others inside the seal had bulging dinner plate eyes and dropped jaws.

"N-n-n-n-n-n-NANI!" Matatabi screeched in absolute disbelief at what her hubby/container pulled off although she was faintly aware her panties and shorts were soaked with her juices concluding the display of destruction turned her on.

"M-m-my word to think Naruto-kun could pull that off that looks like a Pressurized Beam of Phazon shot through his optical nerves...its like a Bijuudama in laser form!" Kurami breathed in shock and astonishment and grinned knowing her mate is stronger than ever and will be when a certain seal breaks.

Fuck your seals, and fuck you, you puerile masturbation targets spawned from a juvenile, chauvinist fantasy. I’m tired of this. Every female creature in this story is nothing but a servile pet! A sex-fixated sycophant, who has no other function than to stand in awe and spread their legs upon the author avatar’s approach. That and be an extension of the author’s hatred towards side-characters. They can’t be opposed to the protagonist. They can’t even be indifferent to him. Their only purpose is to stroke his ego and his dick in sync with the author stroking his own.

Gyuka a woman with aristocratic features and black hair and fangs, (Akua from Rosario Vampire) smiled lustfully, 'Kaito-kun's vessel is surprising us more and more eh?' Her mind drifted to the images of their adventures centuries ago and shivered with a blush and a moan getting the stink eye from Chomei, Saiken, Kokuo, Shukaku and Matatabi while Kurami, her sister, Isobu and Goki had amused smiles and grins knowing she did that on purpose. They then turned back to the battle when they suddenly saw him put on a trolling shadowed face (Hijikata from Gintama's face he used on the cat's and Kondou-san the Gorilla).

Are you a lazy writer, who doesn’t want to bother describing something? Point to something that looks like what you want to describe, and hope your readers have seen it.

"Eh? Nani it tenda?" He smirked making the fear be overcome by rage and started firing more and more blasts of Phazon only for him to bounce around laughing his ass off at them as he trolled them again and again like a kid on a sugar high much to the Demon Queens amusement and laughter, by kami-sama Matatabi and Isobu were rolling on the floor in laughter.

One screeched in rage trying to get close and claw and kick at Naruto who merely pierced him through the chest, stomach and throat with his Phazon tails before incinerating him with another Pressurized Phazon beam casually before controlling the size of the tails to enlarge slightly before crushing two more, Another tried to run only to get a chakra bullet in the skull from Discord, switching to another target he blasted two holes in another Phazite sneaking up on him in the neck and chest before it fell with a thud leaking phazon fluids. "You know if you're going to sneak up on me..." Naruto trailed off spinning around blasting the last Phazite in the stomach with a kick causing it to cough up phazite blood from its mouth before it felt the build up of chakra in Naruto's foot, "Point Blank Shinra Tensei!" Naruto roared channeling Shinra Tensei through his foot causing the things phazite's body to bulge before exploding grotesquely organs and blood all over the place.

Yaaaaay, the omnipotent facsimile of the author’s coveted masculine desires defeats another vermin. Author, having your action figure show off his kung fu grip isn’t impressive, when his enemies have no possible way of posing a threat to him. You’ve shoehorned in so many powers and personality changes into Naruto, that at this point not even his feelings can get hurt. Gabriel Belmont, Dracula, was so powerful that he beat up Satan for his lunch money, and his powers you added just as an afterthought to the cavalcade of power endowment that you had occur throughout the nonsense injected to support your Marty Stu’s existence. Where do you even pretend that a credible threat could come from?!

Sensing no other enemies around Naruto shifted his tails back to their former size and continued towards the ship and the closer he got the more his head pulsed and pounded before his vision blurred making him stumble holding his skull, 'W-what's going on...!' He groaned feeling intense searing pain in his skull as something further cracked before it stopped, he breathed with swear marring his face wiping it off before continuing onward into the ship with extreme caution but the pulsing got worser, he looked around the ship's hull for anything important then the passenger quarters only to see everything was a bit dusty and unclean but stopped suddenly.

He felt the pulse leading directly deeper into the leviathan class phazon ship and in a trance Naruto followed it unconsciously, he saw a set of stairs and walked down more and more as if feeling a familiar presence yet dark. 'Why doe's this scent remind me of Samus-chan?' The bijuu looked at one another with a knowing look before paying attention for any threats.

I know exactly what’s going on here. With the story? Fuck no! But the author thinks that his readers would – that’s what’s going on.

" that Samus's suit?" He paused a foot away from an open room that looked to be some kind of passage way for ship members and what not right there laying against a wall crackling with bolts of phazon energy in lightning form was Samus's power armored suit he had seen her wear those years ago.

"It's still in perfect condition from what i'm seeing..." He muttered to no one but stopped upon seeing another suit except this one pulsed like it was brimming with Phazon, it's armor was nearly night black with a dark blue tint and regular blue phazon glowing from the fleshy carapace around the shoulders and the arm cannon, even the armor had a fleshly look to it along with a blue visor glowing slowly and he heard the sound of slight sleepy breathing.

The genocidal embodiment of Phazon just lodged her galactic, plague bearing flagship into the planet’s surface, and she’s taking a nap?!

He slid his foot unconsciously to where it tapped against the power armored suit causing it's green visor to flash to a crimson color Naruto barely noticed before shouting in pain as the suit slowly clamped around his legs than his torso, "W-what the hell agh!" His roar of pain caused the sleeping armored person to snap their head up at the loud noise visor flashing a deeper blue showing phazon blue pupilless eyes. 'W-who is that and why doe's feel of red and blue phazon except it's like a mi-huh!' The female's internal thoughts halted when she watched the suit of her enemy Samus clamp the helmet and arms onto the handsome male before her but the visor was instead a crimson, the gold torso, crotch and legs and feet turned a deep ominous dark crimson, the helmet turned a pitch black, the cannon turned a dark gold with red and blue veins pulsing from either side. The shoulder armor turned dark blue as the whole suit began crackling with blue and red phazon electricity bolts before stopping.

The dark suit stood up cautiously eying Naruto who stood still the crimson visor hiding his facial expressions from view opening and closing his fists experimentally trying to get a feet for this armor before frowning noticing the cannon on his other arm and willed it away causing it to sink into the suit revealing a regular armored hand. "Who are you...why do you remind me of Samus-chan?" His nearly robotic distorted yet stoic tone made the dark armored female narrow her eyes at him.


What the hell is going on? Samus’ suit is here, but Samus isn’t. Dark Samus, the reincarnated form of Metroid Prime, was sleeping, but was then woken when Samus’ suit attached itself to Naruto for whatever reason. Naruto then proceeds to not recognize the very creature that infected him with Phazon in the first place. What nonsense is the author cooking up to have this galactic scourge become his avatar’s toy?!

"And what exactly do you want to know?" Her voice sounding just like Samus except more darker and sultry asked dangerously as her helmet hissed and opened causing Naruto's eyes to widen in surprise and his suit arced again.

His voice this time crackled with emotion his eyes glassed over, "Ya...mi-chan..." Dark Samus or Yami Aran's eyes colored ruby red with dark blue irises, plump pink lips, creamy almost porcelain skin, dark blue tinted and crimson streaked hair tied into the same ponytail as Samus Aran was shocked as a flash of recognition and shock ran in her eyes and body language and whispered upon hearing the royal, angelic soft cold tone of someone she and many many others knew and loved centuries and eons ago.

Pardon me?!

"" Naruto's helmet snapped open showing his face to grasp his head suddenly roaring in pain as blue particles of phazon swirled around him, his eyes turned completely white as his back arced as if in pain his hair floated ethereally as hispower continued to increase and increase. Inside the seal Kiyomi and the others grinned seeing the seal looking like several massive black spiked chains connected to an archaic padlock snap away along with the lock disintegrating into nothing.


"Yami-chan i will find my way back to you i swear!"


(Flashback End)

I’m used to authors not knowing how to do a flashback, but that was just sad. Like “starting a rehearsed dance number by breaking a leg” sad.

" NARUTO OTSUTSUKI!" The newly awakened Celestial Guardian Shinobi Kaito roared as his features changed again, he suddenly gained a scar that went from his brow to his cheek, his hair then became a mix of silver, red, brown, golden and with two locks of grey hair, now tied into a ponytail, around his neck was a pearl colored golden in the center of a triangular symbol formation with one hollowed triangle symbol situated at the top, left and right.

His power suit faded away leaving him in his battlesuit head arced down, Yami's suit faded away showing her wearing a red zero suit approaching Kaito slowly till his head snapped up with a breath, his jade emerald eyes was now just a green emerald with his regular blue/gold that radiated warmth and his power as a Celestial Guardian as a momento of his past life and adventures.

Celestial guardian? Otsutsuki? The author is out of his gourd, and I’m officially lost. This is obviously this past life nonsense the author has been oh so subtly foreshadowing, but I’m pretty sure past lives are supposed to remain past and not become the present. There is a landfill-sized hole punched into the plot, and I fucking hope the author makes an attempt to cover it up and not just ignore it.

"" He simply smiled at her softly holding out a hand to her rubbing his palm into her cheek as she closed her eyes rubbing against his palm with a completely relieved look on her face.

"I missed you koi..." Her purring voice said softly, Kaito's eyes softened with a flash of light. "I have waited many years to be reincarnated and to think i thought i could see the good in humanity but...this young child's life has been nothing but hell on earth thanks to that manipulative bastard the Toad ninja and old monkey...this child Naruto...i've decided to carry his name on with mine as i will it to remember the strength he carried as he walked amongst the light and dark with no fear...his legacy shall live on in" Kaito's eyes morphed into the Celestial Juubigan shining menacingly sensing the approaching chakra signatures before an O-katana appeared in his hand with an oranate black lacquer sheath with a golden sash around it with the blade's hilt having a white and black diamond pattern.

The nonsense just keeps piling up. Naruto is clearly dead now, and replaced with a full-on original character of the author’s own making, again. It wasn’t enough to change him into a melting pot of every power of terrestrial origin, no, he had to be some reincarnated celestial being of the Otsutsuki clan, with an as of yet unexplained backstory that can only make no sense. If Dark Samus and every Bijuu mentioned thus far knew about this before he did, the timeline must look like a fucking pretzel.

"I think it's time this war comes to a close and take what's mine!" Kaito growled ferally grabbing hold of a squealing Yami as she morphed back into her Dark suit as they blurred in a flicker of white lightning.


(With Sakura)

"SHANNARO!" The pinkette roared bringing her fist down like a hammer compressing the ground underneath her sending white zetsu's flying along with ame-nin, she flipped through several handseals puffing her cheeks up, "Fire Style: Dragon Flame Bombs!"

I’m sorry? Naruto went out to check on the meteor, and suddenly there is a battle against Akatsuki? When did this happen?!

With a roar Sakura fired several pinpoint dragon shaped bombs of fire exploding taking out hordes and hordes of the oncoming army, she gaped when she actually saw a massive ten tailed wolf approaching slowly in the far distance followed by what looked like two women instantly she gritted her teeth remembering who those two were especially the busty brunette with a spiral around on one side of her face with a more spiky haired bustier brunette dressed in crimson red armor with several segments for protection.

Kurogami Uchiha and Obiko Uchiha!

Both are listed as slaves on the harem list, so you can all guess how this is going to end.

"Obiko UCHIHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" said woman and former teammate of the laziest hypocritical teacher ever looked in direction from several clicks away from what would be sure as the final battlefield between Akatsuki and the Shinobi alliance, no more edo tensei, just shinobi and jinchuuriki vs the endless zetsu, Ame-nin, the Juubi and the two strongest Uchiha's in existence.

"Hmm it seem's a fangirl actually managed to push herself up to such a level on par with Senju Toka it seems..." Kurogami mused with an amused smirk, her high cheekbones, cute lips bearing red lipstick, dark black mascara, strong slim thighs, legs and toned muscle clutching the gunbai in her hands that trembled with bloodlust for an enjoyable fight.

I get a feeling the author was clutching something too while writing this.

"Juubi!" Obiko commanded, the ten tailed wolf growled forming a bijuudama in front of it's mouth making the shinobi in it's path pale and sweat, Sakura panicked and shouted, "GET OUT OF THE WAY!" The Shinobi alliance tried to run but they couldn't they were rooted to the spot with fear and hopelessness.

The author removed their spines so that his self-insert could have a monopoly.

"Revel in despair as you meet your end!" Obiko laughed insanely.

"TEN TAILS BIJUUDAMA!" Sakura closed her eyes in resignation as the sphere blasted apart any fo the Zetsu and unfortunate shinobi in it's path as it closed in on them with her at the helm.

'I love you Kaito-sama...'

Sakura knows Naruto’s new name already?! Is the author just daft, or is the past life nonsense more convoluted that it purports to be?


Her eyes widened when a figure blurred in front of the bijuudama sent by the ten tails before the projectile just split into several wisps as if cut by a sword vanishing into thin air.

"Man Saku-hime don't tell me you're giving up this easy?" A familiar voice called out to her.

(Bleach OST - Hollowed)

I have a soundtrack too, author. Facepalm in E flat.

Her eyes widened in recognition and surprise, slowly did she look up only to meet the warm eyes of the ones he loved with all her heart. "'re back!" Sakura's elated cry got the attention of Tsunade and the others rushing to help on the frontlines.

"Yes, i've finally awakened and let me tell ya it's good to be free and by the way it's Kaito Naruto Otsutsuki now, i prefer that since my name is long enough as it is."

Marty Stu will do, you rainbow haired freak.

He chuckled in good humor earning a sweet giggle from Sakura before seeing him face the direction of the Juubi with absolute sub zero cold eyes and murmured in a volume that caused the earth itself to quake, making several shinobi's eyes widen to the size of dinner plates.

"Obiko Uchiha, Kurogami Uchiha! for your actions against the Otsutsuki clan and my reincarnation Naruto Uzumaki, you shall suffer my wrath!"

"Ha! what can you do boy!" Kurogami didn't want to admit but she found this adonis's features and power very appealing and licked her lips.

If it has half an ovary, it will want to fuck him. Those are the author’s rules.

"Let me give you a little sample of what my ancestor's of the Otsutsuki clan bestowed upon before the matriarch succumbed to madness!" Everyone saw his eyes morph into a what looked like a mix of the sharingan and Rinnegan much to their shock.

"WHAT! How do you have those eyes!" Obiko shouted not feeling so confident now only getting an ominous smirk.

"This is something i learned in the past from the world's very own Goddess Of Death!" Kaito raised his hand in a clawing motion not seeing Kushina and Minato do the same before ripping down cloaking his fast in a black red tinted energy before it vanished showing he had a crimson streaked white bone mask looking like an ominous skull (Ichigo's 2nd Version Hollow Mask) and suddenly his power along with two others skyrocketed getting everyone's attention, some even fell to their knee's at the pressure.

We passed the point of ridiculousness a thousand words ago. I’m really beyond the point of caring about Naruto’s power boosts at this point.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Kaito took a step forward with Kushina and Mina appearing beside him before dashing forward (Kushina's mask is like Hiyori's while Mina's is like Lisa) charging the remaining army with bloodlust in their voices and soul.

There is still an army here? Wait, where even is here? Could we maybe establish a scene instead of establishing more power endowments?

"Okiro! Benihime!" Kushina called out in a distorted watery voice.

"Jikan to kūkan o tachimasu! Enma Yamato!" Kaito growled out with a war cry.

"Cleave! Zangetsu!" Mina called out wielding a butcher knife like zanbatou with medical tape around the hilt and suddenly all three of them became flashes and darting colored lights in and out of the army so fast A had big trouble seeing who was who, they appeared behind the army swiping blood from their blood before the zetsu's and ame-nin fell to pieces with dying screams.

"WHAT HOW DARE YOU OTSUTSUKI!" Kurogami roared appearing above Kaito aiming to smash his face in with a axe kick only to clash with his fist causing a massive shockwave that made Kushina and Mina stumble back abit while Obiko blocked the wind with her arms only for Kushina to appear in front o her smashing a hard back kick to the ribs smaashing atleast 3 of them.

With how the author is writing, you would think he has broken as many fingers.

"Now we can begin!" Kaito snarled no longer playing around, twirling Yamato he aimed to stab her with the now ethereal glowing blade with blue lines of energy and chakra.

"Rapid Slash!" He vanished in a blur past Kurogami who jumped in time upon seeing the barrage of sword slashes coming from all directions, however she realized it was a trap and had to use her gunbai to block several high speed dashes that were actually taking her gunbai apart.

Sword beats giant fan? Who knew?!

"Fire Style: Great Fire Annihilation!" Kurogami blew out a massive wave of fire Kaito scowled at, "Water Style: Omega Tsunami!" Clapping his hands a tidal bigger than one from a grand tsunami swirled into existence much to Kurogami's shock and slight ear when it charged at her flames actually dousing them despite being a high leveled jutsu!

"Blistering Swords!" Several light blue swords appeared around Kaito before launching at breakneck speeds catching the Uchiha Matriarch as they sliced her across the chest, then her legs leaving wide gashes with blood dripping, her chest armor took a beating as it was weakening under the strain of trying to block the demonic enhanced spectral swords.

Can’t kill her; that would ruin the author’s plan of Naruto sticking his dick in her.

The two dashed at one another again and again becoming nothing but two blurs while Kushina, Mina were pushing Obiko back further constantly on top of the Juubi that was watching Kaito with recognition in i-her eyes and lust as the being watched the display and felt irritation at the itch in its fur and shook its head trying to dislodge Kushina, Mina and Obiko from her head.

"Woah woah girl quit shaking your fat head dammit!" The Ten tails growled at her head being called fat making Mina sweatdrop before hitting Obiko with a Rasengan pointing Zangetsu at her throat while Kushina slapped several seals on her to prevent even the tiniest bit of chakra to be used.

"Kaito-sama hurry up and finish them off, Kaguya is starting to awaken!" Kaito who locked fist and blade with Kurogami froze leaving him open t a roundhouse across the face nearly dislodging a tooth but merely spat some blood to the side and cracked his neck.

Being part vampire, why doesn’t he just swallow?


(Bleach OST - Cometh The Hour Part B - Ichigo vs Ginjo theme)

Kaito waved away his mask spitting out more blood to the side in annoyance and brushed his grey locks to the side before snapping his eyes open showing narrow slitted cold eyes.

"I'll end you here now boy!" Kurogami roared ripping away her broken and battered armor showing her very developed natural G-cup breasts straining against her Uchiha high collared shirt, sleeves rolled up to her elbows barely.

The overblown, one-sided combat wasn’t doing it for you, author? You really needed titillation in the middle of it?

"Actions speak louder than words Kurogami Uchiha, is you r arrogance clouding your sense of judgement i wonder?' Her opponent mused calmly earning a tic-mark from Kurogami before blurred behind him aiming for a spinning backfist to the neck only to miss as he ducked spinning around sword sheathed before raising his arm to block a kick that caused the ground to his left to explode violently from a shockwave, everyone crossed their arms in front of their faces trying to block the debris flying while Kaito didn't have bat an eye at the strength from the Uchiha matriarch.

"Like i'll demonstrate from earlier..." Her eyes bulged in pain when he unsheathed Yamato slamming the hilt deep in her stomach sending her facial expression to one screwed in pain and agony.

'Use it Kaito!'

Use what? Another asspull power from out of nowhere? Did he ever stop?!

'Hai, Hagaromo-oji-san' Kaito became engulfed in a flash of light and suddenly gained a dark colored bodysuit going down to his legs and knuckles, stopping just above his boots that turned a light golden color along with a light colored jacket, near his abdomen was a light colored circle, golden magatama markings around his collar, his two grey locks glowed standing up like horns and on the back of his jacket was a symbol of the Rinnegan and magatama markings below the symbol numbered 9 total while behind him floated nine black spheres in a circular formation, his pupils took on a cross-like formation between the Gama Sennin Modo and the use of Kurami and Kiyomi's chakra while his eye colors stayed the same.

'Ye...' He stared down at the coughing Kurogami as she tried to regain her breath and when their eyes locked her's widened upon seeing the same eyes Hashirama had.

'Why...why is he looking at me with those eye's like he's trying to understand me...i plan to enslave the shinobi world and usher in peace using the Infinite Tsukuyomi...why is it like you're trying to put yourself in my place to see why i would do what i would do...?"

Author, I haven’t seen anything this painfully forced outside of childbirth. Naruto sanctioned the murder of one of his fellow villagers for looking at him wrong, but the threats to the entire world are going to get a free pass because they’re women. You’re as easy to read as an open book, and it has less pages than a pamphlet.

Her frown turned into a teeth grinding growl drawing a black colored katana that sparked with lightning chakra. "KAITOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He calmly blocked ehr strike only for his eye to slightly widen in surprise when she continued pushing enough to send them flying in the air much to everyone's shock.

"Nande omai!" She demanded clashing with him slash for slash, every counter, stab, and movement with neither gaining the upper hand, "Are you telling me with those eyes you plan to understand me!? Kaitoooooo! A blue sphere of chakra formed on the tip of Kurogami's blade before blasting towards him at hi speeds, "CHAKRA BLAST!" Kaito raised his hand as the blast reached him only for it to meet his palm and he simply crushed it turning the beam into nothing but wisps of energy much to her shock, he clenched Yamato tightly putting her on guard, but then he vanished appearing in front of her.


"Ack!" She held her chest feeling the cut missing her cleavage leaving a thin line as he passed by her and both fell to earth like blue lights joined together.

From that description, I have no idea what Naruto hit. I only know that he didn’t mess up the goods. Because female. No, I’m not going to stop pointing it out.

Both landed feet first with a crash causing a very wide crater making Juubi stumble a slight bit having to jump back on her paws keeping Kushina, Mina and Obiko secure.

"WOAH!" Kushina yelped stumbling herself.

Kurogami's eyes snapped open with raw killing intent bringing her blade Kurohime in a vertical slash only for Kaito to block by moving forward meeting the strike for his chest both trying to push one another back, growling Kurogami gripped the hilt with two hands pulling back a bit and shoved forward sparks flying pushing him back, his eyes this time narrowed with cold precision switching to his right hand twisting his O-katana sideways into a stabbing stance as she aimed to bring the slash down on him full power.

A cartoony dust cloud would make for a better descriptor of this battle.


"YOU LOSE KUROGAMI! ZEROSHIKI GATOTSU! (Zero Stance: Gatotsu)" Her eyes widened as the visage of all nine bijuu and the Juubi flashed behind him with feral roars before he zipped past her his blade flashing.



(End Fight Scene)

Kurogami fell to her knee's screaming her lungs out in pain as Kaito had nicked one of the pain receptors in her body by stimulating it with lightning chakra making the pain even worser to the point she tried arcing her back to make it stop. 'S-stop enough make the pain stop!" Kaito stood silently before sheathing Yamato and kneeled before her.

How is this outcome even connected to the end of that fight? What went splash?!

"If you want to repent you shall swear your life and soul to me Kurogami Uchiha, after all i know of this world's corruption i don't plan on staying long..." Kurogami looked up at him with shock at his proposal and swallowed seeing his eyes were neutral yet understanding still.

'S-should i do this...i don't think i can live with what i've done now, Izuni would be ashamed of what i've become...if it will allow me to repay this man for giving me a chance despite me trying to enslave everyone i'll take it.' She smiled weakly at him and nodded getting a small smile of kindness making her cheeks flush.

Egad! Who could have foreseen this contrived and blatantly predicted outcome?!

"What is soichi-kun doing?" Kushina scratched her head in confusion, not seeing Obiko's wild blush and Mina's mischievous smirk.

"Oh we're about to find out in a second Kushi-chan." Kushina chilled at the sing song voice from the blond beside her only for her eys to bulge to the size of dinner plates when Kaito bit her on the collarbone with his fangs. "Aiyannnn!" Several blushed hot chili pepper red hearing the ancient Uchiha kunoichi let out a cute sexy moan, Tsunade's jaw crash to the ground making a crater, Gaia Sabaku raised an eyebrow but felt jealousy before squashing it, Onoki's eye twitched turning his head the other way while A was laughing his ass off at the looks on everyone's face.

"S-S-S-SOICHI!" Kushina screamed in disbelief at his boldness while Juubi or Shinju had a dusting of pink on her black furred face, Kaito ignored all this and retracted his teeth from the moaning and hotly blushing immortal Uchiha matriarch.

I really do wonder where this whole biting kink came from. It’s usually levelled as some kind of bestial bonding ritual, but I don’t see how an infection risk should count as intimacy.

"Mother Kushina bring Obiko to me so she get's the same brand." Kushina grabbed a struggling blushing Obiko by her collar and tossed her to Kaito who caught her bridal style much to her embarrassment!

"This won't hurt much..." He ferally purred into her ear making her shudder before biting into her collarbone just like he did to Kurogami forming a spiral whirlpool above the triforce necklace just like on the other Uchiha's shoulder.

This is a Zelda crossover too?!

"Yami-hime take Obiko and Kurogami to the Leviathan and get started on the repairs." He handed the shivering Uchiha's to Yami who nodded before vanishing like a ghost leaving Kaito to the Shinju.

"Well Shinju-dono is there anything you'd like to ask?" The female ten tailed wolf smiled before vanishing into black chakra and zipped into his seal much to Kaito's dry humor and replied with a deadpan voice, "Or that's an option, oh well..." He turned to walk back to the others only for a firm hand to grip him and pulled into a portal.


(Snowy Wasteland)


Aha! Someone got stabbed again, right?

"Oof!" Kaito grunted landing on his back in the water and blinked wondering why he landed in water only to still upon sensing three large chakra signatures behind him.

"So you are my heir...never did i expect such a succulent piece of meat to land in my own onsen..." A noble yet sultry voice purred with carnal hunger and he turned only to hear a different cute yet horny voice shout, "Pants and top and shoes off in the onsen!" He paused at the request and sighed realizing he should be atleast courteous before manipulating the steam around him to block his body from view getting a hungry whine from the cuter voice.

Complying with my kidnappers’ request to disrobe would not be my first course of action, but okay.

"You have 1 minute before i get up from this spot and fuck you till you can't see straight!"

"Shiro shut up!" A darker sultry snobbish voice reprimanded getting a cute Hmph in return.

"Whatever Kuro you're the one who's fingering yourself unlike me like a whore in the heat."

I hate this scene and everyone in it. Does the author even have an excuse as to why Naruto was suddenly needed here?!

Kaito promptly chuckled in humor and simply dispersed the Six Path's Senjutsu from him along with his bodysuit leaving his very body naked to the day he was born, washboard 12 pack abs, wiry muscular legs, thighs, and biceps, broad shoulders and when he dispersed the steam he turned to see a long haired woman with light colors hair, P-cup breasts with erect nipples, lavender pupilless eyes, thick yet sexy legs and thighs, a bubble shaped ass and long red fingernails, lipstick, two dots on her forehead denoting nobility and two horns on her head and a glistening womanhood with a trimmed patch of light white colors hair shaped triangular. Beside the tall woman (Kaguya i think is 6'0 maybe), was a pale skinned woman with yellow pupilless eyes, JJ-cup tits with erect olive green nipples, sporting the same figure as the woman beside her, an olive green patch of hair sitting above her woman hood and had spiky ass length olive green hair and she was licking her lip and groping her breasts like a slut. Lastly was a pitch black skinned female with the same ass length olive green colored hair, nipples, figure and womanhood which was being fingered slowly and teasingly.

"18 inches long and 5 inches wide...mmmhhh such a healthy one aren't you..." The woman stood up and stalked closer and closer to Kaito who sat down against a rock as the tall busty woman kneeled before him.


I would be a whole lot more horrified, if it wasn’t because this is exactly what I expected of the author. Ridiculous penis size, impossible muscle build, breasts that double as floatation devices, I could go on. I’m not a fan of green nipples myself, but then again I didn’t get the idea to turn two plant men into plant women either. I guess we’ll have to sit through the collisions of these caricature sex symbols, while everyone else gets stuck with cleaning up after the abruptly ended war.

(Lemon Warning)

"Healthy indeed mother Kaguya..." Shiro growled huskily her silky soft hands pumping the bottom part of Kaito's cock slowly making him shudder liking the motions.

"Yes of course Shiro-chan but you can wait your turn after i get his thick creamy inside my womb that's juicing itself right now...on second thought not yet i want to see his stamina at work in sexual intercourse..." Shiro moaned lewdly when Kaito pulled her to his side sliding his middle finger into her hot searing pussy pumping in and out slowly and teasingly.

With dirty talk like that, I’m suddenly in doubt whether the author even watches porn. If I have to blame his every sexual and bodily misconception on a parental locked internet connection, it would certainly explain some things.

"A-a-a-a-ah you can have hi=his c-cock n-now oh kami! The female White zetsu rolled her hips like a common whore in the heat in his palm, Kaguya licked her lips pumping his shaft up and down while flicking her tongue all around his angry red tip swelling with blood earning a grunt of approval. "You're strong that i can see..." Her hand rubbed and fondled his gonad sized nutsack making him growl, she trailed kiss's up and down his length keeping her slowly speeding up strokes going.

"O-oh Kaito-sama so forceful!" His finger was joined by his index pumping in and out of her cunt more and more faster. "o-oh n-no i'm cumming too soon!"

"You cum when i say so Shiro-chan!"

You’re kind of a control freak, Naruto. Kaito. Whatever fucking name you’re using for your dick stand-in, author.

He channeled lightning chakra to his fingers while pumping his hips in and out of Kaguya's throat when she took him nearly down to the base, Kaguya created a suction motion with her throat while her tongue licked all around his pole hungrily.

"Got room for another Kaito-sama?" Kuro a.k.a Black Zetsu asked only to yelp when he pulled her to his remaining side and worked on gnawing and sucking at her nipples he was becoming fond of even now he ignored Shiro cumming violently and continued to pump his fingers in and out of her pussy like a piston making her cum again and again till she dropped in a boneless heap panting with a bright red flush to her cheeks, eyes glazed over.

One down, a hundred and more to go.

"Urk!" His red and blue phazon veins bulged around his eye sockets in response to the exertion he was having to keep from cumming under Kaguya's masterful deep-throat, he groaned even more sucking on Kuro's other tit as it seemed to actually produce milk much to his shock but it made his body feel even more heated, Kuro moaned sluttishly as he made her cum from sucking on nipples so lavishly. Kaguya took him from her throat feeling it twitch and twitch violently only to his confusion she stood up only for him to throw his head back when she took his cock into her pussy in a single go except her tightness from not having a good fuck in centuries was near airtight on him.

Or, now hear me out for a moment, it might be because his dick has the same width as a three-liter soda bottle. Another measurement comparison would be the average size of a newborn baby. Elbow deep fisting would be a safer alternative!

"Aiyannnnn!" The primordial goddess let out a guttural moan of ecstasy straddling Kaito slowly did she grate her hips teasing his shaft using her flexible pussy muscles trying to drive him over the edge.

"O-oh kami cumming!" Kuro cried out with a yell at her fifth orgasm and joined Shiro's condition as well.

"O-oh so deep!" Kaito grasped his strong hands on her bubbly shaped ass before he thrusted in and out standing up wrapping her legs around his waist as he pounded the rabbit goddess's tight twat hard and fast. "O-o-o-o-ohhhhhh!" She squealed feeling a couple streams of cum spray into her womb, he growled suddenly his hair spiked up more ferally before Kaguya found her legs spread in V formation on the stone sides moaning just like Shiro had when Kaito gave her the treatment literally giving her pussy and womb a good tenderizing and spurted more streams of cum to the point her pussy was completely full before shifting his cock to her puckered ass.

When a general response to your sex scene descriptions is to grimace, then it might be an idea to do a rewrite.


He thrusted in making her scream in pain and pleasure, at first she whimpered for a bit but slowly as he rocked in and out of her anus like a pro slowly building up the speed and force. "Say it my little rabbit!"

"S-say *moans* what?" She moaned curiously.

"Say you like taking it in the ass and watching me fill you with my seed say it!"

I guess the author finds it hotter if the bimbos are fed their lines by proxy.

Her lavender eyes widened and shook her head she isn't some commoner, she was about to retort arrogantly only to bite her lip when he pumped in and out of her ass again. "Say it!" Kaito growled with dominance, Kaguya felt her will crumbling having to hold on for dear life as she refused to submit, "N-no!" He smirked showing his fangs as he pumped faster and faster making her squeal climaxing from the mind numbing anal fuck. "If you don't submit i'm gonna continue fucking your ass till you break!" He snarled into her ear with such feral dominance she climaxed again.

"YES! OK KAMI YES FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!" She broke and began thrusting her hips to meet his as he showed her who the alpha was now, grunting Kaito's cock twitched and throbbed in her hot steamy insides before Kaguya moaned rubbing her belly as she felt a bigger load splash into her ass with such warmth her eyes glassed over with a line of drool with the faintest hint of breathing showing she was still alive.

(End Lemon, oh kami my nose is bleeding be right back!)

Is your blood pressure causing an aneurism rupture? Because that’s the origin of that anime trope, and I’m about to have one myself!

"F-forget trying to take chakra back me and my daughters are staying with you!" Kaguya squealed with hearts in her eyes showing she was completely and utterly in laymen terms.

Got the nobility fucked right out of her!

"Now that is an idea i can get behind love." Kaito groped her ass in the water getting a raunchy grin from the rabbit goddess before the two went back at it again but Kaito wondered absently.

'I wonder what the others are doing?'

He shrugged and went back to screwing deeming it unimportant for someone such as him.

All his girlfriends are probably worried sick about him, but it’s nice to know he thinks so highly of himself. Last line of the chapter and it’s probably the one offending me the most, holy fuck.


Chapter End wow that was the best 1st chapter ever my dear readers if i do say so myself!

Yes this is i think my 2nd multiverse and gameverse fic besides God of Ten Path's, this is the last fic i am making before i start dishing out updates forgive my tardiness i have been busy trying to catch up on sleep, doing online college classes and working out to the point i'm too busy or don't have the time.

By all means, have less of it.

Please give my best friend and bud PhazonLordKaito props for coming up with this fic idea and give special thanks to SoulEmbrace2010 for inspiring me to do multi- x over fics in my own style, hope you all liked it!

PhazonLordKaito: I sure as hell did!

Naruto‘s new name is part of your moniker. Gee, I wonder why you’d like it.

*I chuckle at his loud shout*

Shinku Kami No Arashi: Hahahaha i agree bro that lemon was outta this world! as i said before in the endings give the fic some juicy reviews, fav, follow and a thumbs up this is Shinku Kami No Arashi signing off with Kaito peace!


*Punches the screen causing it to go black*

Don’t tempt me.

Phazon Genius Maelstrom

Next Chapter - Kaito Naruto Otsutsuki sheds the shackles of Elem and embraces the joys of dimension travel!

At least he’ll go be someone else’s problem.


Having mocked works by this author before, I’m not really surprised by the unadulterated wish fulfillment and glorification of the author’s masturbation sock in human form. I will admit however that this is the most gratuitous I’ve seen from him yet. There’s one more chapter of this fanfic, so we’ll see if the author can outdo himself after this travesty.

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Re: Phazon Emperor Reincarnated!

Post by GorillaGamer » Fri Oct 04, 2019 11:15 pm

Crimson-Esper-Of-Ruin-Instinct is such an odd case for me that I find him endearing. He puts on this righteous crusade against sexist perverts when his self-insert is no better than them, if not worse than them. Not to mention the fact that he endows himself with so many powers that I'm surprised he even manages to list them off without repeating himself. And that harem list, while not the biggest I've ever seen, is a major part of a growing testament in fanfictions that harems are becoming meaningless as time goes on. Back before I began mocking, I remember when harems consisting of 10 or so girls was considered excessive, but now days that's considered far too little.

I'm morbidly curious to see how shameless the second chapter of this fapfest can get. Heck, I might even take a swing at the guy myself in the near future.
Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
A quote from Project AFTER
Gorillagram only gets sexual stimulation from playing Pokemon Reborn and its derivatives.
A quote from Andrew himself

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Re: Phazon Emperor Reincarnated!

Post by StabbyKobold » Fri Nov 15, 2019 11:59 am

@GorillaGamer: By all means, swing away. From my browsing of his works, it should pretty much all be on par with this. I'm merely limited by my knowledge of the series he bases them on, so there should be plenty to go around.

The day was saved, the battle won, bimbos bedded, what more could the author want from this petulant piece of personal fantasies put into writing? Why, to cause suffering, of course. Enjoy.


Chapter 2

What is up reader's this is Red Reaper Of Murder here with another chapter of Phazon Emperor Reincarnated, i'm sure you were wondering what took me so long, but i have been having bad headaches, sinuse's clogging up making my skull ache badly, sleeping alot and contemplating getting a job so all in all a busy week.

I think your definition of “busy” will change after you get a job.

So now then what did you all think of the lemon scene with Kaito/Naruto and the three otsutsuki females, was it too raunchy or too good for imagination.

Naruto won a battle and was then whisked away to have sex with beautiful women in a hot spring. The only use of imagination in that scene was its justification, because that’s the only way to find one.

I promise to those who liked it there will be much more as the story goes on, this chapter will be Kaito coming back from the dimension with the women in tow and thus begins the start of the Konoha yours truly Kaito Naruto Otsutsuki and yes the other villages are gonna join in on the fun! so yeah expect blood and gore but here's the thing it will only happen after a few years so yeah that means the kids will around, but who they are will be a secret.

Maybe the author should consider a job in military encryption, because I have no fucking clue what he just said. All I got as that he just admitted to wearing the Kaito character as a skin suit, and that people will be murdered – unjustly, like everything else in this fanfic.

Disclaimer - I do not own Naruto, any of the games or anime's showcased in this fic nor the OC Kaito he belongs to PhazonLordKaito who i dedicate this fic to, so without further ado let's start!


Opening Song - Panic! At The Disco - Miss Jackson

Buckle up, everyone. This story just became a song-fic.

Climbing out the back door, didn't leave a mark
No one knows it's you Miss Jackson
Found another victim
But no one's gonna find Miss Jackson, Jackson, Jackson

A dark hall flickered with lights, a silent figure with multicolored eyes glowing in the blackness walked through the ominous home silently.

I hope they’re trying to find the fuse box or a replacement lightbulb.

You put a sour little flavor in my mouth now
You move in circles hoping no one's gonna find out
But we're so lucky,
Kiss the ring and let 'em bow down
Looking for the time of your life (ain't always gonna find out)

Kaito sat on a throne, Kushina and the girls around his legs as the hall was lit with blue red flames.

And it’s set to a song about some girl leading a man on. Your fantasies are weird, author.

A pretty picture but the scenery is so loud,
A face like heaven catching lighting in your nightgown,
But back away from the water, babe, you might drown-
The party isn't over tonight (lighting in your nightgown)

The shadows covered Kushina, Naruko, Mina and Kaito's eyes flashing crimson with similar smirks.

Weeb edgelords posing for a family photo.

Where will you be waking up tomorrow morning?
Out the back doorGoddamn
But I love her anyway
I love her anyway
I love her anyway
Out the back door
But I love her anyway

Rational thought can’t even make it into this story on accident.

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?

Does the author lack talent? I’m assuming we’re both being rhetorical here.

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?
Are you nasty?
I love her anyway

Where will you be waking up tomorrow morning?
Out the back door
But I love her anyway

Way down 'til the fire finally dies out
You've got 'em wrapped around your finger
Watch 'em fall down
There's something beautiful and tragic in the fall out
Let me say it one more time
(Tragic in the fall out)

Where will you be waking up tomorrow morning?
Out the back door,

But I love her anyway

Miss Jackson has one-night stands and ditches them in the morning; we get it! What does this have to do with the author’s power fantasies?!

I love her anyway
I love her anyway
Out the back door
But I love her anyway

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?
Are you nasty?
I love her anyway

Flames flickered in the dark showing the nine jinchuuriki leaning against one another, all have crimson gleaming eyes with fanged smirks fingers of their bijuu number with their tenants beside them.

On this episode of “Smug People in Shadows”, can there be such as thing as ‘too edgy’?

Where will you be waking up tomorrow morning?
Out the back door
But I love her any...

Climbing out the back door, didn't leave a mark
No one knows it's you Miss Jackson
Found another victim
But no one's gonna find Miss Jackson, Jackson, Jackson

I love her anyway

This sounds a whole lot like being complicit to her crimes, singer dude.

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?
Are you nasty?
I love her anyway

A red moon above shined Kaito and the others shadowing their forms, the shadow stretched over Konoha in an ominous silence

Even when light hits them, they are still in shadow. If you’re trying to make your story “dark”, this isn’t how it’s done.

Where will you be waking up tomorrow morning?
Out the back door
But I love her anyway

Kaito smirked as darkness encompassed him and his group eyes all shining with dark intentions.


(End Song)

Chapter 2 (Part 1)



"Is Kaito-sama alright?" Sasumi asked nonchalantly with only the slightest hint of worry in her voice for her lord and love, all of Kaito's girls from the villages stood around Hinata and Hanbi meditating with their palms pressed on the ground, eyes closed trying to use their chakra sensory to locate their mate.

"Patience, Sasumi-chan." Hinata spoke up still focusing and furrowed her eyebrows suddenly, this got the attention of Kushina. "find anything Hinata-chan?" The redhead kunoichi asked while watching Jiraiya who was glaring at them surly like from one of the still usable tents for the war council, his gaze demanding, arrogant and suspicious yet still perverted.

Did Jiraiya just spontaneously develop his own Dojutsu from being an antagonist caricature? What do we call this; Idiot Pervert Eye?!

"Eye's elsewhere Gama-teme!" Kushina spat darkly eyes shining with malice, bringing her hand up to call her mask causing Jiraiya to flinch and duck back into the tent to sulk.

"Stupid disgusting lecher, no wonder Kaito despises that man." even Sakura looked ready to kill the man herself wit how tight her fists were clenched together.

"Don't worry mom...that pervert will get his very soon~" Naruko had a wide innocent smile, yet her crystal blue eyes spoke of lots of insanity and a promise of pain and destruction for the Gama Sennin.

When Naruto talks the panties off women or finger-blasts them in lieu of a handshake, then it’s a charming quirk. But a glance from Jiraiya makes him sign his on death warrant.

For some reason Kushina felt both proud yet scared, she turned her head to Mina who had a large sweatdrop with a nervous grin thinking the same thing 'Yandere Uzumaki go figure.' They shrugged helplessly not caring if their daughter would commit murder if someone offended their son/lover Kaito (they still consider him a son in a way as him and Naruto are the same in body despite him being reincarnated).

“Our daughter is psychotic and our son, who we somehow know is a reincarnation despite never being told, is so important that offending him excuses murder, but at least we’re a happy family because we want to fuck each other.”

"Girl's whn are we gonna go through with Kaito's plan?" Hana asked while glancing at discreetly at Kiba looking sour and jealous, and hateful yet he was looking at Hinata and her twin calculatingly and lecherously while glancing at Jiraiya making alarm bells ring in Hana's head.

The antagonists are emoting so hard they could get arrested for it.

She leaned over whispering in Hinako's ear furiously, the elder Hyuga twin furrowed her eyebrows silently, whispering back a few times then to the others around them getting nods.

I'm gonna enjoy slitting dog shits throat soon." A redhead named Tayuya smiled maliciously, Kaito/Naruto found her in a bandit camp during the 2nd year trip with that toad bastard off to go peeping yet again. He happened upon a slave auction and saw Tayuya his fellow kin in a cage with obscene rags tied up with Kin Tsuchi herself and Karin Uzumaki, Sasame, Kagero and Kotohime Fuuma, he saw red when he saw it was another of Gato's scum trying to collect females again, he showed no mercy, every slaver and buyer there was guilty and he wrought judgement upon all of them.


The author should consider a job as a projectionist with the amount of projection he’s doing. Every male antagonist basically does the same things as our protagonist, but when they do those things, the author suddenly judges it criminal and morally objectionable. Expressly, these faceless evildoers are massacred because they are trying to “collect” women. And the man rising to the occasion has a fucking grocery list of names – which includes said women he saves! Aside from this ridiculous contrivance of a white knight scenario, in which several capable ninja are denigrated to helpless damsel status, the author wipes this spontaneously discovered slavery ring off on an antagonist long dead. This couldn’t be a more obvious excuse for Naruto to score more bed warmers if the author said, “I’m sorry.”

The females he rescued were in his debt, he sent them regular stipends of money to get themselves on their feet, have a place to stay, warm beds, baths, food, utilitys and even their own training ground.

Where does he get the money to support all these women from? Who cares, fuck you for asking, Naruto is their provider so they owe him pussy, believe it because the author told you so!

Tayuya cursed at him askin-no pleading as to why he saved them when he could have left Orochimaru's former servants to their fate. He calmly explained those who truly seek redemption deserves second chances, and being sold into slavery isn't something he would wish on his worsest enemy, this ended up with them swearing fealty and loyalty to him much to his shock, he came to accept it after they beat the utter shit out of the gama teme whenever he tried peeking on them.

When they heard how their master was actually a reincarnated Celestial Guardian


they were awed, still they didn't see him any different from Naruto, he was so warmhearted to those in plight they would never abandon him.

"Same here...although i get first dibs on beating the shit out of Kiba-baka thinking he could claim me because Kaito-sama was supposedly on a mission." Satsuki let out a venomous hiss eyes nearly slitting in anger, Tayuya chuckled darkly as did Kagero and Kotohime. "Of course not, you are one of master's alpha's so getting first dibs is natural." She smiled back at the Oto girls and knew Kaito would get more, although she felt any woman who married Kiba would want to get with Kaito.

I’ve already stated this, but it bears repeating. Every woman in these types of fanfics only have one taste in men, and it’s called the author avatar. Meanwhile, our protagonist enjoys a wide variety of tastes in women, and he no doubt appreciates each of their varying personalities and appearances. It’s really telling, isn’t it?

'Cuckold much?' She thought in dark amusement and arousal.

"Guys something is coming!" Hinata informed sweat dripping down her forehead at her intense concentration, before everyone's eyes a golden gate with a very archaic language streamed down the heavenly looking gateway.


"T-this chakra!" Jiraiya sweated heavily like a pig at the feeling of the deadly chakra signature pressing down on all of them, his heartbeat rose fast as the gates opened outward, smoke seeped out and for a few minutes nothing came out.

Even when the plot arrives, we still have to wait for it.

"Come on Kaguya-hime." Kaito's voice spoke from the obscured open passageway getting wide eyes from Mina and Kushina, also Hinata and her sisters, and the Uchiha twins.

'Did he just say Kaguya?!' Their eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as Kaito walked out.

Over his clothes he wore a regal cloak colored blood red with an ouroboros symbol on a clasp at the neck area (Think of Sasuke's epilogue cloak). On his arm was a very very well endowed woman looking like someone completely of noble bred especially with her looks.

Speaking as a European, someone “looking completely noble of breed” is not a compliment, author.

"Ancestor!" Satsumi and the girls related to this powerful matriarch bowed respectfully earning a bemused quirked eyebrow, Kaito was sniggering as were Shiro, Kuro's golden colored eyes were twinkling with mirth.

"Girls please stand up no need to bow to me." Kaguya said kindly with a motherly aura enough to make even someone like Kushina jealous.

They straightened themselves up slowly a bit while looking at the legendary Otsutsuki mistress with awe and respect the Uchiha, Senju, Hyuga, Kaguya and even the Uzumaki's descended from the powerful legendary clan, there was so much about the clan that was enshrouded in mystery.

And yet everyone knows who she is on sight. Funny that.

"I like the collar Kaito-sama~" Shiro leered exposing her dog like collar with diamonds encrusted around it with the slash in Kaito's hands.

"Yes~ it's very erotic..." Kuro breathed hotly in his ear wearing a white dog like collar with black diamonds instead of clear colored ones.

How fortunate that Naruto could pull those from his ass on the way back from wherever the fuck they came from.

"Girls enough of that before i end up taking you guys on this battlefield right now, damn the audience." He grunted feeling partly amused yet a bit aroused at their wandering hands.

Kushina giggled with a nosebleed as did Hinata, Hinako and Sakura, "Can we get a collar Master-sama~" They teased tauntingly getting a pout from Kaito, "Un! teasing she devils!" He huffed turning his nose up mockingly earning laughter from the group as Kushina teased him mercilessly like a true she devil.

"Back villain back i say!" Kaito jumped back in a martial arts stance dramatically getting a false evil lecherous laugh as she wiggled her finger,s inching closer to Kaito. "Now now my sweet submit to my sexy wiles and i'll show you pleasure beyond even a bijuu could give~" This set off Matatabi, Chomei, Kurami and Shukaku.

"BITCH I CAN PLEASURE NARUTO-KUN MUCH MORE THAN YOU CAN!" Shinju blushed at their brazenness and turned away a bit hiding her arousal remembering what he did with the Otsutsuki women a few moments ago.

Have you gotten it out of your system yet, author? Or do you need three more paragraphs imagining what having female attention is like?

'Something tells me Kaito-sama will be having more women, i feel he'll tire out even Kurami.' Shinju attended to her cherry blossom garden with contentment.

"Oi! baka since when did females start to flock to you!" Kiba snarled from a safe distance looking like a retarded dog with constipation, he was only a bit smart to not get up in Kaito's face like he did.

Call it a hunch, but from these subtle clues here, I don’t think the author likes Kiba very much.

"Unless you want mom to know you are acting like a spoiled pup i suggest you shut the fuck up now." Hana spoke up coldly turning to Kiba with the Hainmaru triplets lowly snarling viciously, slowly stalking towards a pale sweating Kiba but surprisingly he stayed his ground. "That bastard is nothing but a tool and a dead last at that! he doesn't deserve any of what he's got!" Kaito started to rub his forehead in sheer growing annoyance.

He only won the war singlehandedly, but sure, let’s have the idiot strawman keep trying to contradict facts that everyone, including himself, are aware of.

"How many times are you going to say the same thing over and over like a broken record, you don't even truly know me you stupid mutt, get it through your thickheaded skull, i am a whole different man now." Kaito groaned shaking his head feeling as if his brain was getting dumber by trying to reason with this bloody child.

I have two words for you, author. Grow up.

"Kai-kun ignore the mutt as he has nothing worthy of your attention, now let's head to your home so you can get rest from these troublesome endeavors."Kiba snarled at this bitch dismissing him and moved to teach her a lesson confident he was above all of them.

With how hard the author is pulling his strings, I can hardly fault him for thinking so.

Kaito turned his head revealing his eyes to Kiba who froze, his heart pounding hard in his chest in fear, Kaito's eyes were cold and emotionless the look of one who wouldn't hesitate to kill in cold blood if they harmed his loved ones. "I believe you should get back to your station Inuzuka Kiba." Satsumi shuddered knowing why Kaito was feared.

The Shodaime Battousai...

The ninja stink eye?

A look that would turn hardened veterans into sweating pale mess's on the ground with a look. "Y-you don't scare me dead last!" Kiba shot back with a defiant look.

"Na-" Jiraiya who stalked out with an intimidating look got many swords and kunai pointed at him shut up. "My name is Kaito Naruto Otsutsuki, we have nothing to discuss, and first of all your zealous behavior to prophecies disgust me, i can't believe you were named as Naruto's godfather with your negligence."

To be fair, he could hardly have been deemed negligent of a task before he was given it. Could we stick to one bashing target at a time, though?

"It surprises me at how much more of a zealot you are than a shinobi..." Kaito's eye twitched dangerously, his fists clenching slowly filling the grounds with ominous knuckle cracking making Jiraiya sweat a bit, and shiver.

"Konoha doesnt own me, you dont own me and you never did, i could only watch asss you and the porn virgin asshole hypocrite Kakashi do everything to stunt Naruto my reincarnation all because of a prophecy you don't even truly know the full details of...for some reason i feelyou would've tried to manipulate the prophecy just so Konoha could come out on top!" Kaito's eyes narrowed slowly into slits connecting the dots as did Kaguya and his girls.

Wasn’t the prophecy that a student of Jiraiya would save the world? Why the fuck would they want to stunt Naruto’s growth over that?!

"Disgusting." Was all the Rabbit Goddess could say with held back want to execute the stupid manipulative bastard, but no she had a feeling someone else would be the one to eviscerate the stuck up pervert.

"now if you'll excuse us Toad Sannin, the girls and I have a big warm bed waiting for us." Kaito tugged Kuro and Shiro's collars getting red blushes and pervy grins, eyes alight with excitement and anticipation They did glance at the other girls wanting to mate with Kaito-sama and got even more wet just thinking about the activities!

Why did you even show up here, aside from conveying the author’s carefully crafted critique of totally not mischaracterized people?

Jiraiya 's mouth opened and closed helplessly watching the imposter of Naruto walk away he was in control like a damned emperor, he did not like this at all the fucking prophecy was in jeopardy, who was this high mighty bastard to question his morals on what's right about a shinobi, all he wanted was for Tsunade to be in his arms, and his arms only and bring the world peace with Konoha controlling everything!

I’ve got to hand it to the author. He has a bright future in agriculture, if he continues with this excellent strawman making.

The deluded fool had no idea his precious Konoha was going to crumble into dust very soon~

"The maelstrom of the sea quiver and quake..." Jiraiya froze hearing the whisper and looked at Kaito who looked back at him with a cold smirk, eyes full of the thirst for retribution and revenge. His blood then ran cold at the last few wordings.

"The clan of the moon shall return from seclusion and reduce the pillar of corruption, arrogance and a barren wasteland of unlife..." Jiraiya's face caked with sweat as Kaito's eyes flashed with his doujutsu's sinisterly.

"Ja ne Gama-chan, enjoy yourself now that the war is over never know when it might be your last~" Kaito snickered darkly and before the toad sage's eyes they vanished slowly like burning embers but what made it more ominous was what was left.

Burning leaves...

Their message was clear. They want to legalize marijuana.

"N-no noooooo!~" Jiraiya lurched and fell into the dirt facefirst as if to add to his torment the moon above turned blood red with the rinne-sharingan blazing in all it's glory on the surface of it.

"Medic Medic! Jiraiya-sama's having a heart attack!" Kiba yelled hysterically barking orders left and right medics swarmed picking up the catatonic sannin, who was foaming at the mouth as Kaito's ominous words kept playing through his head.

'The clan of the moon shall return from seclusion and reduce the pillar of corruption, arrogance and a barren wasteland of unlife...'

Yes, thank you, I was completely in doubt as to what words he meant, you mouth-breathing dullard.

Jiraiya finally lost consciousness with those words playing over and over in his mind like a repeating record. Another part of his mind wondered where it all went wrong...

The answer was clear...

Being a psychopath is justified by author preference?

Never try to undermine or manipulate a celestial guardian's reincarnation!

You say potato, I say fuck you.


(2 year Timeskip - Uzumaki-Namikaze Compound)

The clouds above drifted peacefully colored white grey normal looking ones simply passing by without a worry in the world...

Many envied the clouds for having such freedom and peace, many were completely ignorant to the approaching threat on a whole other level than the barebones invasion force of the Oto-Suna group years ago.

Many then wondered what the fuck that has to do with clouds.

"Hahahaha come on Kaito-otou-san!" Laughter rang in the yard of the strongest clan no doubt in Konoha or soon to be reduced to slag Konoha.

"Dammit! Denzel-soichi get back here and take your bath!" A busty pink haired woman with a blue diamond on her forehead screamed angrily with a towel over her body.

Denzel had light brown wavy hair and blue joyful eyes he was running around out in the backyard of the family compound which had enough space within it for several ANBU cells to train in, and not worry about injuring their other friends.

The moment genitals aren’t involved, metrics become the vaguest shit possible.

Over the 2 years Kaito had grown his hair to his legs and a few months later he and the girls decided it should be cut, and he did so trimming it down till it was down to his shoulders.

He adopted eight kids, seven were from the orphanage and then there was Konohamaru who couldn't live with the shame after Hiruzen Sarutobi's crimes came out. The public screamed, raged and raved but when Kaito the pariah known as Naruto Uzumaki struck back viciously and ruthlessly against all those who tormented his reincarnation. Found themselves homeless, facing angered mobs and debt collectors or their family's getting arrested with various offenses, crimes and the whole shabang, Kushina cackled madly like an insane asylum escapee when they watched at how he literally got sweet succulent revenge, so fucking sweet it made her bow in pride to the ultimate pra-no sadist master.

Naruto got revenge, but detailing against who and for what seems to be secondary to having our protagonists revel in the misery of others.

The children he adopted had curious energy aside from chakra within them.

Of course they’re super powered special little snowflakes. Why else would he have adopted them? Compassion?!

Denzel, and Marlene had both chakra and mana that explained how strange things occured in the orphanage with an abusive caretaker having an unfortunate accident. His 3rd son Shadow (Hey it my OC!)


was the most bloodthirsty, dark and violent out of the three, he had so many energy types all dark, some neutral and other's warm, he had such expert control befitting a mid Jounin, however when he was defending Marlene, Denzel, Amy, Taki, Talim, Xianghua, Seong Mina and Ivy. From being kidnapped by child molesters he demonstrated an expert level mastery of Kurogami Uchiha's taijutsu blended with that of several different martial arts style, his strength was like Gai's in the 4th gate he ripped those poor sods apart like little toys for him to dismantle.

The author couldn’t shut up about how Naruto got all of his powers, yet now he don’t even bother with an excuse for this kid.

Kaito was pissed when he learned it was Mebuki Haruno's former husband Kizashi Haruno who hated Kushina because she was a foreigner and saw all foreigner's as lower subjects to follow the whims of the rich and wealthy.

Sure, let’s burn another patriarch at the stake for ridiculous crimes. Can’t have secondary sex lives exist, after all.

Shadow paid the fat bastard a visit and let's just say Kaito whistled when he heard the screams of pain and pleading for mercy, plus the laughter of madness, sadism and hatred, Kaito thought one thing 'Interesting kid aren't you little Shad?' They discreetly went back to their growing family while celebrating the arrival of their new family members.

Author, you spoil me. Truly. With how much attention you’re paying your secondary self-insert, I think it’s fitting that I do the same. Bonus chapter coming up after this one; the author’s OC list.

Denzel, Konohamaru and Shadow were a tight knit group they were rarely seen without one another training and pulling humiliating sadistic pranks on the arrogant bastards of Konoha and pinning the blame on the most hated Sannin since Orochimaru.

Bullies. Just like their new parents. They must be so proud.

Jiraiya of the Sannin, the toad sage was public enemy number 1 on all borders outside of Konoha his spies all assassinated without him knowing when they were revealed to have been in on the prophecy, and much to the disgust of people agreed to hi ideals of how Konoha should remain in control of everything, those who got in the way had to be removed, they were even tasked to stunt Naruto's growth.

I’m no expert on prophecies, but if it says that a certain person is to become powerful and save the world, doesn’t it run counter to prevent that?

They didn't act so smug when Kaito tore their asses apart limb by limb, flesh by flesh. It was worse because he and Tsunade and Sakura and Hinata healed them over and over for Anko and Kaito to torture, then they were dragged out in public at Tetsu No Kuni's summit for the whole world to see with the advanced technology Kaito brought in.

Author, I’m no psychologist, but I’m sensing a lot of anger in your writing. You really put the ‘sad’ in ‘sadist’.

Their public execution was swift and unforgiveable, Jiraiya rarely showed his face in public considering he organized that mob to kidnap Kaito's new sons and daughters after he wrung the info out of a few barely alive ones and found out that he wanted to use them as hostages to get his complaiance before suppressing his mind permanently. He was allowed in Konoha he just wasn't allowed to be seen by Kaito or whoever in the Uzumaki Namikaze clan.

What is Jiraiya’s problem? Naruto is the most powerful creature under and above the fucking sun, he saved the world, and he lives in Konoha! Prophecy fulfilled! What more does he want?!

He whined and complained about not being able to get his research, everytime he came close to an onsen, either Kaito, Konohamaru, Kushina, Mina or a mob waiting to beat the crap out of him. He learned after the first few times he was left for dead and was taken in by a few sympathetic to his cause and views. he planned and planned and so far every plan he hatched with many others to subjugate and manipulate the powerful clan went up in smoke.

Can’t have the protagonist be the biggest badasses around, no, we must have any antagonist be utterly impotent as well.

Later on a massive spaceship crashed into the area where Kaito discovered the leviathan and Yami.

Again? Okay. Fine. Let me guess. It’s another waifu from space. Because as far as I can tell, the author is so obsessed with removing other men from this story, that there is no way he’d voluntarily inject one.

The one piloting the archaic ship was revealed to be Tonera Otsutsuki hellbent on finishing what should've been Kaguya's job in destroying the elemental nations but, before she could evens end out her minions to target Hinata or Hanabi Hyuuga, Kaito confronted the forces within the landing area taking down each and every one of them.

Tonera thought going full chakra mode against him was enough to even make him sweat, she paid for her arrogance by getting the same mark as Kurogami and Obiko Uchiha. His slave, mate whatever they thought of it.

I assume they think it’s asinine, but that might just be me projecting here.

At first Tonera rebelled multiple times but soon she got to see what was so special about Kaito. She still retained that high and mighty attitude but kept it toned down.

She was a real screamer and a dirty bitch in bed as discovered when Kaguya, Kuro and Shiro got their claws on her. It was so worth getting ear shattering complaints about his family making too much noise.

The fact that people still dare make complaints to these megalomaniacs only further shows how everyone not sucking Naruto’s dick is a moron.

His daughters Xianghua, Talim, Taki, Ivy and Seong Mina and Marlene were his precious treasures, not a day went by that he burned incense thanking those above for giving him such children even not of his blood fully. He trained them all in the ninja arts, there were exceptions like Shadow and Seong Mina who snuck out of the orphanage daily to bring back stolen food and goods for the others.

Naruto adopted them all, but they still have to sneak out of the orphanage for food? What?!

Those two are the most fearsome and ruthless protectors out of his adopted kids they all looked up to him as one of the major figures in their life in the 2 years living with him. Everyone even Shadow shed tears because they all finally got the one thing they above all desired besides getting stronger

A loving family...

And they are aggressively set on having a monopoly on it.

Whoever gave them this new lease on life they prayed to them hard and frequently.

Are you quite done creating fictional sycophants to feed your god complex, author?

Now here they are being given a bath in their family onsen, Shadow got annoyed because Denzel was up to his tricks again, "That's it Denzel-otouto i'm dunking your little butt!" Denzel's eyes widened comically before getting put in a full nelson and flipped into the onsen where everyone else was wearing swimsuits or boxers as there were children around.

If the adults have this levelheaded concern about modesty, they had better be supplying the kids with earplugs, what with the neighbor complaints.



"GAH DAMMIT I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS SHADOW!" Denzel roaring jumping from the bubble filled onsen pissed off till he felt a chill down his spine and turned to see Ivy looking like an early bloomer looking at him with a dangerous smile.

Being an ‘early bloomer’ refers to an early onset of puberty, author. Please don’t use words when you don’t know what they mean.

"Doe's someone need to have their mouth soaped out?" Denzel paled hiding behind Kaito who sniggered at his son's pale look.

Ivy could be a polite lady one moment, and a sadist almost on par with Anko one second later.

Then again the whole family are a bunch of sadists, they all just hid it to surprise any they encounter.

Thanks, now I can say that I hate all of them.

"Ahh! relaxation." Shadow sighed blissfully ruffling Denzel's wavy hair again much to his annoyance.

"Quit it Ani!" Denzel grunted in annoyance only getting a cheeky smirk in return.

The girls giggled or laughed as did Kaito seeing the antics of their adopted kids.

"I'LL GET YOU BOSS!" Konohamaru cried out in triumph showing a very toned teenager wearing a pair of brown swimming trunks.

He didn't see Kaito's smirk nor his eye twinkling.


"AHHH! NO FAIR!" Konohamaru screamed as he was caught in mid air by his father and dunked headfirst jumping up wet as a dog glaring at a cheeky grinning Kaito.

More hijinks from the little demons wearing human skin. Can we move on already?

"You maybe stronger than Jiraiya-baka but you still have a long road to go before you even make me sweat, but you're getting there." He pats the former sarutobi's head warmly getting a beaming smile. He could hardly believe someone so vicious as boss could be such a perfect father.

Author, if this is how you imagine the perfect parent, then I hope CPS have already been to your door.

The family talked about all the important things, teasing and joking with each other while Kurogami, Obiko and Tonera brought out drinks and joined them in the onsen.

Tonera's tenseigan suddenly shined to life getting the others attention especially the children at their Tonera-onee-san's eyes switching on knowing that meant something big was coming..

Another burst of the author’s ego, no doubt.

"Tonera-hime is something coming?" Tonera pointed up into the sky and everyone focused their sharp eyesight only to see what looked like a feminine male floating in the air next to a large elderly muscular man both wearing white robes with the familiar robes of the Otsutsuki clan.

"Momoshiki? Kinshiki-ji-chan?!" Kaguya shouted her voice reaching up to the airborned figures, the two snapped their gaze to the direction of the voice to see the matriarch of the Otsutsuki clan.

"Kaguya-nee-chan?" Momoshiki gasped unknowingly releasing a hold on their chakra making it completely visible to the whole village that was still bigoted if not more because of the vast technology improvements.

You’re telling me these two showed up here, of all the places in the world, in Fire Country, in Konoha, right above this onsen, without knowing she was in it? Author, if you pull my leg any harder, I’ll have to ask for it back.

"Guys we got company!" Kaito shouted causing everyone to jump out of the water and get dressed in their ANBU tailored outfits even the most gentlest of them Marlene.

He taught all of them how to be High ANBU borderline High-Sannin level, Denzel and Marlene specialized with Suiton and Doton plus Lightning and Wind respectively. Taki was Katon and Raiton, Ivy carried Raiton and Suiton, Talim had a mass Futon affinity that was on par with his, Seong had Raiton, Futon and Katon surprisingly but Shadow himself was a shocker.

Oh, please, do go on about your OC’s powers, again. Maybe I’ll even ask for an explanation, if I somehow find it in me to care.

He possessed all basic chakra elements including the secondary chakra elements, tertiary and kekkai tota. If Kaito had to guess he could've sworn Shadow was a reincarnated god being especially since he had a highly upgraded version of the Rinnegan doujutsu.

'STOP THERE WOMAN IN THE NAME OF THE STRONGEST VILLAGE!" A jounin ordered glaring not sensing the strength this woman had at her fingertips he landed on the top of the wall with the whole ANBU force and even Kakashi and the other bigoted fools of the village, Kaito's girls and loyal soldiers appeared by his side glancing between him and the woman floating with Kinshiki.

I guess the bigotry brigade was on speed dial, for whoever was watching that exact spot in the sky above the acres of privately owned land, when these two appeared.

"Oh i see the rats are here already you saved me the trouble of having to search for all of you." Momoshiki smiled pleasantly yet his smile had nothing but insanity and malice written on it. Raising a palm a slit opened up showing a Rinnegan eye much to their shock.

Considering how many people seem to be walking around with the Rinnegan now, how could it be a shock?

"SHE'S A FREAK JUST LIKE THAT RABBIT BITCH!" Momoshiki's face darkened dangerously as did Kaito and Tonera.

"What did you say Ebisu?" Kaito said darkly glaring pissed off at the arrogant bespectacled Jounin.

"I said she's a freak just like you brat what you gonna glare at me i am your superior!" Ebisu raised his nose snootily not seeing Kaito grasping a tube like object at his hip with an insane grin.

Author, you are aware that there are types of antagonists other than grade school bullies full of hot air, right?

"Momo-itoko!" Momoshiki raised a trimmed eyebrow at Kaito who smiled widely with bloodthirst and roared. "CHAKRA AND GRAVITY SEALS OFF!" Both Kinshiki and Momoshiki raised eyebrows high up when all of their chakra signatures slammed down on the forces of Konoha seeking to defend it as always.

"WAIT KAITO-SAMA PLEASE SAVE US!" Kaito paused looking down and saw it was Kizashi Haruno begging looking completely haggard due to his wife leaving him, Kaito's hostile takeover of his business's and destroying his black market child slave collection ring he was with nothing left.

Shadow didn’t finish him off? Why? And why would he now ask for help from Naruto? What is the bat-shit logic of these characters?!

Kaito's eyes turned so cold enough to make a blizzard itself collapse, clicking a sigil on the side of the tube it suddenly extended into a very long serrated halberd with several different colored gems aligned along the shaft (Picture the halberd Juuzou used in Tokyo Ghoul).

"T-t-that halberd is radiating pure malice and judgement!" Kiba stammered sweating in fear not noticing Akamaru slinking away from him with a dark look of vindication.

“Oh no! We’ve been bad people, and we are about to get our comeuppance!”

"OTSUTSUKI CLAN!" Kaito's clothing turned into archaic armor with a band around his head before being engulfed in his sage of six path's mode before to everyone's surprise the chakra turned brighter and split off into streams slamming into Shadow, Marlene and the others cloaking them all in the same warm powerful god level chakra.

"S-sugoi!" Karin Uzumaki gasped clenching her fists, her hair was two toned of pure sun blonde gold, her eyes were even more beautiful.

"F-fuck this feels so good~" Tayuya Uzumaki screamed to the heavens in pleasure and maniacal glee clenching her fists, her flute glowed with the same chakra she felt she could cast quad layed Genjutsu with her fruit alone.

Collectively distributed power-gasm without informed consent, how lovely. And children are involved too; bonus. Excuse me while I attempt to do loop-de-loops with my eyeballs.

"So this is what Hagaromo's chakra feels like." Kaguya breathed out in awe, her beauty looked so sinfully enhanced it was too much to even look at her hair gained a gold shine to it, to the shinobi she looked terrifying and even more of a goddess than before, but to her family she looked even more beautiful.

"AWESOME!" Denzel cheered with a feral wide grin showing teeth.

"Papa-kun's energy is so warm!" Talim blushed brightly she felt so intimate with her father just from the cloak around her, Ivy, Taki and Seong Mina were no better state than her they had red cherry blushes with wide looks of amazement.


"Prepare to get put six feet under shitstains!" Shadow roared with a wolf like feral grin the gudodama spinning behind him.

"S-s-s-so much!" Xianghua shuddered and blushed apple red trying not to do something indecent and embarrass papa the energy was overloading her senses with such warmth and life!

"O-oh kami this is too much!" Kushina's cheeks turned red enough to make a tomato jealous as she felt her imagination run wild. "Don't need to tell me about it i feel like i can go even faster than my Hiraishin Jutsu and Shunpo combined!" Mina was hunched over with a wild look in her eyes like she wanted to jump her son/mate right here and now.

Naruko was blushing bright enough to light up the sun, "O-oh k-kami i feel like my mind will melt into nirvana!" She hugged her bouncing bust tightly trembling a bit.

The others exclaimed shock including Anko, "FUCK YEAH LET'S KILL THESE FUCKERS!" Anko cackled madly with a demonic grin.

These are our heroes, everyone! A bunch of perverted psychopaths with a total disregard for human life, unless it has a hole for their benevolent and homicidal patriarch to stick his dick in.

"Ho? this is powerful chakra here Kaito." Ibiki whistled liking the golden look he got and smirked ferally causing more than a few ANBU to faint in horror at the sight of Ibiki.

"Oi! Kuromaru ready to rock!" A golden Tsume shouted with a dog grin getting a similar one from Kuromaru who looked like a long haired Tsume with iny black hair and grey streaks.

"You bet your sweet ass partner!" Kaito smirked evilly as the shinobi sweated and whimpered like little weaklings that they are, all bark and no bite.

This has been ‘How not to justify using your super powers 101’. Do come back for our symposium on the topic, ‘Villains, where did all the competent ones go?’

'Why not add onto that despair!' He cackled madly with a wide grin scaring even Shukaku in the seal as he flipped through handseals slamming his hand on the ground.

"BIJUU KUCHIYOSE! (Tailed Beast Summoning)" Jiraiya who was watching from the shadows of the tree's paled in absolute horror and terror,Ten towers of smoke erupted colored red before several dangerous demonic growls echoed causing chills to run down the spines of those facing the Otsutsuki clan members and that of the Uzumaki-Namikaze.

Kaito smirked floating in the air next to Momoshiki and Kinshiki witnessing this with interest and awe.

"I think we're done with the warmup leaf dogs." Kaito grinned toothily and whistled getting Konoha's attention only to pale when Raikage A, his sister, Samui, Karui, Omoi, Darui, Shi and the THUNDER anbu corp and several hundred to the thousand jounin jumped out with a crash.

Uh, hi, hello, welcome, why?

"Oi! we're not late for the party are we!" Kaito grinned widely.

"Of course not minna! (everyone)" This time the forces of Kiri, Iwa, Suna and Oto under leadership of Kimimara Kaguya and Guren jumped out practically surrounding Konoha on all sides and beating them in all out strength, power and numbers.

Konoha’s standing forces responded to the arrival of a potential threat, and suddenly Kaito, everyone in his cult compound, and a fucking out of nowhere army of those somehow still on his side are getting ready to eradicate Konoha, for seemingly no other reason than the convenience of them all showing up at the same time. The words ‘spontaneous’ and ‘rushed’ are utterly inadequate to describe this progress of events.

"Now then...say hello to our final allies!" Kaito bowed dramatically as the red smoke cleared showing the ten bijuu in all their demonic glory with wide toothy grins or smirks.

"Now who get's to be my bitch toy." Shukaku spoke in a female tone smug with superiority causing Ebisu to shit his pants as did Kakashi and several others.

"Now who wants to playyyyy~" Kurami mock simpered sweetly widening her insane grin and gleaming crimson eyes.

"KAMI SAVE US!" A poor chuunin cried out praying religiously getting dark laughter.

"Sorry Kami isn't here to save you nor will she answer your calls nowhere to run...nowhere for you to hide hehehehe!" Kaito started to giggle sinisterly before letting out earth shaking dark cackling laughter. "HAHAHAHAHAHA! DON'T WORRY YOU ALL GET TO BE MY BITCHES NOW HAHAHAHA!"

Presented here; the author’s exact thoughts when writing his fanfics.

Kaito charged headfirst into the mass and sorely screwed army eliciting the others to do the same.

"SHI-NE!" Kin's eyes gleamed dementedly raising a double bladed axe with one hand getting a shrill scream from a poor Konoha jounin.


No hidden trump card or savior to save them from destruction...

Konoha's annihilation is at an end!

They will go out naught with a bang...but with a silent whimper...

I thought there would be more screaming involved, but you do your silly little attempts at being dramatic, author.


Chapter End (Part 1)

Hahahaha got your asses with that cliffhanger dont worry i will show the next part of the end of Konoha rest assured this is gonna make even canon Madara's slaughter of the alliance look like fat kid in a candy store no offense to fat people though!

Just people in general, since you don’t know how to do a fitting metaphor or a cliffhanger.

How'd you like the ones adopted i decided to use certain characters from popular games as the adopted orphans with one being my OC Shadow in child form.

Your creative decisions are less innovative than butter on toast.

What's this Momoshiki and Kinshiki joining in oh shits about to get down and dirty!

Updated - 1/20/2016

Signing Off

Red Reaper of Murder


*Vanishes in a crimson swirl of wind*

Don’t let the edge hit you on the way out.


Thank fuck the story is over with. Not only did the author manage to hit a dozen more points of Marty Stu wish fulfillment, but he ended up basically arguing that Charles Manson is the example to strive for as a family man. But I’m not done yet, am I? I did kind of say I’d go over the author’s OC list. Well, I haven’t been one to back down from a promise, so that’ll come up next.

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Re: Phazon Emperor Reincarnated!

Post by StabbyKobold » Wed Dec 04, 2019 12:53 am

Well, I said I would, so here goes. This is Crimson-Esper-Of-Ruin-Instinct’s OC list, taken as-is from their author page on Since I’m only concerned with the pedestal the author mounted for his secondary self-insert, Shadow, in Phazon Emperor Reincarnated, this will merely be an excerpt of the full author’s page. There’s no reason to delay, it’s going to feel long anyway. Enjoy.


Personal Oc's

Shadow Uzumaki Uchiha Senju

Age: 18

Shadow has spiky black hair with red streaks in it with two chin length bangs covering on of his eye's, his eye's are crimson with a black scalera, tanned skin tone, he has the body of an athletic swimmer, but the movements of a fighter, he is cold and ruthless towards those he dislikes, but loving and warm toward those he cares about and loves and is very sharp and intelligent especially when it comes to girls.

Making up the foundation of the author’s OC, we have a generic shonen character, whose emotional range and intelligence mirrors that of a sheep dog.

He also has no respect for authoritative people who overstep their boundaries.

How dare these people of authority exercise the authority they have?!

He loves training, meditating, studying, and rock music, and is a bit of a flirt that make women young and old moan his name, masturbate to it, and throw themselves at him and want to kiss him and sleep with him,

If this doesn’t convince you this was written by a hormonal teenager, then I don’t know what will.

he is beyond Kage-level to the point even Madara Uchiha would fear him and is a dual bijuu container and has perfect control over his chakra, and reiryoku that even Kage's tremble in his prescence.

He is so -BLANK-, that even person known for -BLANK- pales in comparison. I would ask the author to write something new, but he seems entirely incapable of it.

Clothe's: Picture a black and red version of the Konoha Jounin outfit with fingerless gloves that have seals for collecting nature chakra and are able to channel elemental chakra for devastating affects, on his back in criscross form are two ninjato's Kurogetsu, and Kuro Senbonzakura both have special command releases and he also has something called a Fullbring that allows him to shape his energy to whatever form he wants along with having superhuman attributes that surpass many SS-rank nin and his black jonin style best has a white wolf on the front.

Far be it for me to expect the author to stay on topic, but sandwiching more power endowment with clothes description seems like a faux pas.

Ōken Clothing: After training with the , Ichigo dons special clothing in order to safely return to the Seireitei. These clothes are made from the bones and hair of the members of the Royal Guard, and they possess incredible defensive power, allowing Ichigo to withstand the friction that results from breaking through the 72 barriers between Soul Society and the Soul King Palace without suffering any damage; notes that no Shinigami could hope to wear greater garb. These clothes take the form of a white cloth, a floral-patterned bandanna, and a black cloth around the top of Ichigo's head; large, black-outlined weights on either shoulder; a long, double-breasted white cloak; a black sash and a floral-patterned strip of fabric around his waist; and white pants. They are destroyed when attacks Ichigo with Galvano Blast.


A random Bleach Wikipedia entry complete with reference tags. I’m guessing the author just copy-pastes whatever he wants to plagiarize, edits it, and this time forgot to actually remove what was left of the mangled carcass.


Unmatched Speed: Due to training from a young age, he has always been able to run at speed's that no regular ninja could ever hope to achieve, even Minato Namikaze would look slow at even a small fraction of his speed and is able to move at the speed of light.

Due to watching anime from a young age, the author is capable of delusions that would make fever dreams seem mundane.

Unmatched Stamina: Due to his training, heritage, and his two bijuu he has Stamina and Durability that is unmatched even by an Anbu Uzumaki standards and that is saying something since Uzumaki's always had large amount of energy even at child age.

Endless Reserves: He has a special gene in his body that allows him to replenish his chakra by taking it from his opponents, or absorbing nature chakra or youki from the air, though youki will refill him even faster, basically he has the reserves surpassing the Ten Tailed Beast by 4x.

Unsurpassed Control: His mad training and Senju heritage allows him complete control over his chakra and youki due to being on a big relationship with his tenants and knows many chakra control exercises.

This is just a parade of taking established pinnacles of power, multiplying them, and then stapling them to the cardboard cutout OC without logical reason.

Empathy: Like Naruko he is able to sense emotions no matter how much mental training someone has, this ability has allowed him to know his enemies next move before they even make it.

“Like this female version of an established male character, they will be able to read minds.” What?! I mean, of course he will, but what?!

Shapeshifting: Shadow can use his massively dense chakra to physically change his body the way he wants, his age, height, and looks also other things (Smirks) pleasurable.

As if the author didn’t maximize those sliders on the character creator already, just before handing control of it to his new creation.

Godlike Elemental Manipulation: Rather than being limited to two or three chakra natures, he has the ability to use all elements including sub-elements and also Yin, Yang, and Yin-Yang style of the Rikudo Sennin allowing him many way's to combat his enemies.

Superhuman Strength: His training and mastering of many Taijutsu styles has given him physical strength that can severely injure a Bijuu (Picture getting 500 full chakra enhanced super strength punches from Tsunade and E at the same time).

He has omnipotence, more omnipotence, even more and so on, yada yada, is there anything that he doesn’t have?

Fuuinjutsu God: He has learned all seals of Uzumaki and Senju at a fast rate making him more knowledgeable in selas than both Kushina Uzumaki and Minato Namikaze.

Kanpeki Rinnegan (Perfect Rinnegan): His blood of Senju, Uzumaki, and Uchiha have given him the version of the Rinnegan that possesses the enhanced abilities of the original and the powers of the Eternal Mangekyo of Madara Uchiha.

If only every Naruto OC was as fortunate to be a descendant of these powerful bloodlines. Oh wait, they are. Originality died so long ago it’s practically mythology.

Kurogetsu (Black Moon): Kurogetsu looks like a standard black ninjato with a black and red hilt and the guard being a black circle but, unlike other swords Kurogetsu was made from a rare metal called adamantium and has a living soul holding extreme power making it unmatched and is able to channel Reiatsu to launch pressurized beams of condensed energy in blasts, waves, or pillars.

Adamantium? It’s hard enough justifying Shadow’s improbable training and lineage, but how can this be excused other than the author just really, really liking Wolverine?

Kuro Senbonzakura (Black Cherry Blossom): Kuro Senbonzakura is a sleeker wakizashi with a black sheen to it, the blade being slightly longer than a nodachi, a rectangular guard, and a black hilt, this blade has the ability to split into many black flower petals that are as sharp as tiny blades but, unlike it's predecessor's Kuro Senbonzakura's petals are more faster, powerful, and can be mentally controlled with Shadow's thoughts.

Flower petals? Why not call it death confetti?

Overwhelming Pressure: His Reiatsu is so different from regular Reiatsu that it is black and red tinted making those not mentally strong willed feel as if they are a mere bug to be stepped on or feel despair while females feel overwhelming pleasure and lust rise for him.

Unmatched Intellect: Shadow possesses 3 times the amount of intellect and maturity of Hashirama Senju and Nara Shikaku allowing him to form out battle strategies that will give even a Nara a bloody headache for weeks.

No lie! I’m only just now reading this, and already I have a headache.

Superhuman Reflexes: His reflexes are 5 times better than the Sandaime Raikage's Raiton No Yoroi at full power allowing him to dodge every attack thrown no matter the speed since he can move faster than his opponent if he wished.

So, to sum up. Shadow is untouchable, unbeatable, unmatched, unsurpassed, and I’m unimpressed. He has all the bloodlines that are important, all the gear that’s cool, all the female attention, and all I want is for him to choke and die. Unfortunately, only one of us can get whatever we want.

Ressureccion # 1 Negro Halcon (Black Hawk)

Ressureccion # 2 Negro Halcon De Vacio (Black Hawk Of Emptiness)

Soul Reaper Zanpakuto # 1: KuroGetsu (Black Moon)

Soul Reaper Zanpakuto # 2: Kurosenbonzakura (Black Vibrant Cherry Blossoms)

Soul Reaper Zanpakuto # 3: Kuro KazeShini (Black Wind Death)

What does this even mean? Scratch that, what does it refer to? And why is half of it in Spanish?

Devil Trigger: Shadow's eye's turn a silver color with a purple scelara, his hair turns snow white and spikes up and gains two black hawk wings and his finger nails turn into talons. This form also increases his already godlike abilities to monstrous heights along with giving him power of Fire, Water, Earth, Lightning, Wind, Gravity, Blood, Energy, Shadow's, Light, Hellfire. Shadow's Devil Trigger takes on the form of Nero's and Dante's Devil trigger forms

I must be a devil, because I have to cry foul on this ridiculousness. That’s eleven mostly questionable elements this deified piece of wood gets power over, because he can use Devil Trigger. I’ve barely played the games, but even I know that it doesn’t work that way. Every time I see super powers taken from videogames, they seem to come with cheats turned on.

God Trigger: Shadow's hair's completely spiky black while his left eye turns blazing orange with a slit while the other changes to a silver color showing his angel powers. This form also grants Shadow control over time and space allowing him to keep his enemies suspended in the air while he and his dopplegangers decimate them and increases his power so much it would flatten the Juubi a hundred times over.

It’s cute that you would imply he has enemies, and not delusional specs of annoyance that are dwarfed by his powers on an astronomical scale.

Devil Arm's:


Element: Dark

Form: O-katana

Appearance: Black and red copy of Yamato a Heirloom to Vergil from Sparda. Shadow fights with it using Laido meaning sword and scabbard using it in a very deadly way along with using it to make dopplegangers to fight with him and slice the air and sheathes it making the cuts appear in a black or red light.

A rip-off by a jackoff who can fuck off.

Black and White

Appearance: Two double barreled Desert Eagles One being black with a white handle while the other is pure white with a black red lined handle on it

Form: Desert Eagles.

Energy Swords: Shadow forms his energies into swords or any other kind of weapon and moves them like Vergil's spiral swords, or Nero's Summoning Swords.

They can be anything he wants, but mostly swords.

Devil Bringer

Element: Demonic

Appearance: Shadow's arm turns demonic with blood red armor over a black colored clawed hand with a glowing white crack on the underside. Unlike his friend Cade he can use it on both arms and allows him to form an astral projection to launch attacks or weapon strikes and pull things to him or pull toward along with using it in conjunction with Devil Trigger or God Trigger.

And all of this bullshit is totally necessary on top of ninja bloodlines and playing host to two empowering demons, I’m sure.

Guns: Chaos and Discord

Appearance: Two double-barreled Colt Pythons, one being black with a red handle while the other is crimson red with a black-white lined handle on it.

Form: Colt Pythons

Enemies: Rapists, pedophiles, sexists, Elders, Civilians, Arrogance, Arrogant Clan Members, cowardice, idiocy, prophecies, lies, stupidity, traitors, and nearly most of Konoha civilian populace along with Kiba Inuzaka. and Sakura haruno.

Half of those would probably apply to Shadow himself, and every other protagonist the author writes.

Aphrodite Greengrass

Age - 15 (4th year Slytherin)


Eye color - Heterochromia, Left eye (Wind Pink) Right Eye (Lavender purple)

Hair style - Silky long hair with two bangs over her ears going down to her as s

Hair color - Strawberry dark blood red with streaks of blond, pink and blue

What is this fashion nightmare of a Hogwarts student doing here? Yes, I assume this is one of the author’s OCs, but we aren’t done with Shadow yet; there’s more about him below. Whatever, let’s examine this color confused harlot while we’re at it.

Persona - Obsessed with Hadrian Jellal Aensland Potter, she is jealous of the girls around him and secretly wants to be his bi tch in every meaning of the word and wants to be ordered around by him, she is very jealous of her sister Daphne at her sister getting her Hadrian's attention and wishes to do something to please him even if it means innocents dying, extremely cunning and intelligent

This is the mold every female character the author writes is made from – at least those that are allowed a smidgen of autonomy. A psychotic, clingy sextoy whose entire existence is contingent on the author’s chosen vessel. Nametags are the only real differentiation between them.

Appearance - Soft cheekbones, jaw, a cute set of luscious pink lips, tan peach skin, toned flaring hips, slender toned thighs and legs, Aphrodite despite her name has toned taut flexible abdomen muscles and FF-cup bust despite being a teenager due to the goddess Aphrodite blessing her with enhanced beauty and assets. She wears a red near miniskirt with fishnet leggings and a tube top straining around her b* with fishnet on her arms fitting like gloves with a lightning bolt necklace around her neck with black robes with the green and silver slytherin trims.

In spite of having the name of a goddess of beauty, she is in fact blessed by that very goddess to have a very beautiful appearance. Plus she dresses like nothing any school, magic or otherwise, would allow. Sometimes I wonder if logic just abandons the author’s brain out of disgust.

Speciality - Charmspeak, Seduction, Manipulation, Defensive Charms, Combat Spells and Dark Arts (Avada Kedavra, Fiendfyre, Cruciatus and Sectumsempra) along with Fencing and Dagger fighting and Assassintion.

A fifteen-year-old, criminal, schoolgirl murder machine. Emphasis on machine, because this automaton wouldn’t even breathe unless the author deigned it important to her programming.

AppearenceRosalinda - jennifer anistonHolly and Molly - Ali Larter

B* measurementsRosalinda - C cupHolly and Molly - both B cups

ClothesRosalinda - formal Business formalHolly and Molly - school uniform with crest

Who? You know what, forget it, I couldn’t care less - neither does the author, obviously.

Harem Girls:

Naruko Uzumaki

Hinata Hyuga

Older Hanabi Hyuga

Tsubaki Uchiha

Older Moegi

Anko Mitarashi

It seems the author just can’t keep order in his own writing, so we get this list of masturbation targets now.



Hana Inuzaka

Tsume Inuzaka

Yakumo Kurama

Kushina Uzumaki

Mikoto Uchiha

F. Human Form Akamaru

F.Human Form Kuromaru

What?! There isn’t enough women or genderbent men to satisfy the author, so now he’s going for the dogs? The fuck?!







Yugito Nii









I’m pretty sure a list of the people excluded from the harem would be shorter.


Mei Terumi

Yugao Uzuki

Kurenai Yuhi









Yoshino Nara

F.Haku Yuki Momochi





Mito Uzumaki

Kagura Uzumaki (OC Naruto Female)

Sure, why not? One more piece of trash hardly matters in a dumpster fire.














Kiroitsuchi (Kurotsuchi's little sister)

Shiroitsuchi (Kurotsuchi and Kiroitsuchi's aunt)

I never understood the point of churning out these lists of names. What’s so stimulating about reading them and going, “Alright! I get, I mean, he’s getting that one, and that one, and that one…” like it’s some goddamn wish list for gifts that you’re suddenly expected to want, ignoring the fact that these are supposed to be people. Anyway, enough about my gripes, we’re back on track with Shadow.

Personality: He is even more cold and emotionless than Itachi Uchiha add the ruthlessness, his mind is sharper and faster than Hashirama Senju and and Nara Shikaku a unmatched strategist, he has a caring, kind side to him only around his wives/mates and friends, when he frowns, scowls, growls, narrows his eye's, or glares a black crimson-red tinted aura made from his chakra, spirtual pressure, youki, and fullbring and KI (Killing Intent) causing his enemies to fall down dead with a heart attack, get knocked unconscious, faint, have difficulty breathing, feel weighted down, or completely cower in his prescence or feel despair and helplessness, females just feel extreme lust for him and want.

He’s an even bigger badass than any already established badasses, because that is the nature of his existence as a Marty Stu and author self-insert. Women are all over him like flies on shit, and all of his superpowers are rendered superfluous by the author’s fantasy of annihilating any penile competitor in his presence by said presence alone. This sort of shit makes me embarrassed for my gender.

(OC Sister's Age:20)

Female members of the OC’s family. Or, in more accurate terms, additional sex objects with a dash of incest.

Appearances: They have soft creamy ivory skin without, a single blemish. They have faces of goddesses with a heart shaped faces. They have long, soft, creamy, ivory, shiny, flawless legs. The have H Cup boobies and heart shaped bubble butts. But they both like different colors. some darker and some bright

Author, please wipe the drool from your keyboard, and then try to differentiate your pin-up models with something more than a change in light frequency.

Blaze: Red hair with Orange streaks, eye's, and clothing (Leader)

Beni: Crimson Red Hair, Eyes, and clothing

Chishio: Blood Red Hair, Eye's, and clothing

Karasu: Raven Black Hair, eye's, and clothing

Gin: Silver Hair, eyes, and clothing

Saku: Neon Pink hair, eye's, and clothing

Shiroi: White Hair, eye's, and clothing

Sei: Light blue hair, eye's, and clothing

Rei: Light gold hair, eye's, and clothing

I’ve spent more effort on coloring by using the bucket tool in Paint. Nine sisters, eight colors, and I’m betting half a personality to share.

Sister's Personalities:

Shadow's sisters are flirtatious towards him such as giving him a full view of their panties under their short skirts, shove his face in their breasts, strip themselves naked infront of him, glomp him from behind, try to take baths or showers with him, or try to get in his bed.

I don’t think the author knows what a personality is, nor am I surprised.

They only like to wear skirts or very short mini skirts and they only want Shadow to peek under their skirts and kick the asses of anyone else who try to peek under their skirts unless it's Shadow. The girls really hat wearing long jean pants and short pants as they don't expose their panties. The Shadow Sisters also love to get tickled and dreams that their own brother tickles their legs, feet, body, armpits, and boobs. They are also obsessive and overprotective over their little brother. If someone bullies Shadow or talks something bad about him behind his back, the girls beat up said person and put him in a body cast and in a hospital for 8 months.

Obsessive, sociopathic nymphomaniacs with tickle fetishes and a compulsory need for physical affection. Not the worst brand of faceless and emotionless eye-candy a fanfic has sent my way, but it’s up there.

Mother - Goka (Hellfire) Age: 28

Mother's Appearance:

Goka is like her namesake, she is a goddess with blazing orange eyes, creamy tanned skin with no blemishes, soft, ivory legs and has a heart shaped butt. Her hair is black with streaks of orange in it more than her daughter Blaze and has I Cup Boobs.

Let’s ignore the hilarious body descriptions for a moment, and instead focus on her age. Everyone’s age, in fact. All of Shadow’s sisters are twenty-year-olds, and thus I have to infer that they are nonuplets. This ridiculous conclusion is only compounded by the fact that their mother would have to be eight years old during their birth, followed by Shadow’s two years after. I don’t know if the author is failing biology, math, or both.

Mother's Personality:

Shadow's mother is flirtatious towards him such as giving him a full view of her panties under their short skirts, shove his face in their breasts, strips herself naked infront of him, glomp him from behind, tries to take baths or showers with him, or tries to get in his bed.

I don’t think the author knows what making an effort is, nor am I surprised.

Goka only likes to wear skirts or very short mini skirts and she only want Shadow to peek under her skirts and kick the asses of anyone else who try to peek under her skirt unless it's Shadow. Goka really hates wearing long jeans or shorts as they don't expose her panties. Goka also loves to get tickled and dreams that her own son tickles her legs, feet, body, armpits, and boobs. She is also obsessive and overprotective over her son. If someone bullies Shadow or talks something bad about him behind his back, the girls beat up said person and put him in a body cast and in a hospital for 8 months. Just like her daughters but even 20 times worse than her daughter's beatings.

Speaking of people not in their right mind; who in the fucking hell would try to bully or badmouth the guy who puts the ‘god’ in ‘Dear god, don’t sneeze and accidentally destroy half the planet.’

Aunt - Lilth (Age: 34)

Aunt's Appearance:

Like her namesake, she has light green hair, and purple eye's with a slit in the middle, soft, creamy, fair skin,smooth flawless legs, and double J Cup Boobs

Who are these namesake characters you keep referring to, author? I’m already beyond surprised you’d rip off the designs from somewhere, but as far as I can tell from their descriptions, their names are titles from DeviantArt fetish drawings.

Aunt's Personality: Lilth is like her namesake she love's to flirt, cuddle, and peek on Shadow when he isn't looking, along with wearing very little clothing around him to entice him, she like's to wear black and blue panties under her short skirts around him and loves glomping him when she see's his muscular body and like's his spiky black and red streaked hair. She is also extremely possessive and obsessive along with having a Tsundere personality and sometimes assumes her lolicon form to make him blush.


She is also violent to the point where she beats any of the one's who badmouths him behind his back or to his face to the point where they'll be in a year long coma.


And with that footnote of escalated violence, that’s where it ends. Well, not really, in fact far from it. The author’s page continues to ramble for another eleven-thousand words about fanfic story ideas, personally tailored super powers to grant his protagonists, and a couple of other OCs. However, since they don’t have anything to do with Shadow and his blatantly monogendered family, I see no reason to pursue this madness further. Thank you all for sticking through this, I hope you had as much fun with it as I did.

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