The Human With a Gem

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Re: The Human With a Gem

Post by StabbyKobold » Sun Jul 22, 2018 3:06 pm

The White Claws have been defeated, Steven has been forced to commit murderer, and the gems continue to play spectators to everything Max does. The overarching plot of the show is still less than a footnote, and the author is likely scrambling to find a new villain, that his author avatar can combat to prevent narrative stagnation. I don’t know why this story persists, honestly. But it does, so let’s just get on with it. Enjoy.


Chapter 27: The Past

Warning: nothing fully explicit, but I doubt you wanna have someone find you reading specific parts of this chapter.

Just specific parts? The only reason I’m letting people know, that I read this crap, is because I do it to make fun of it.

After such a fiasco, the gang too some time to rest and relax.

Fiasco?! There couldn’t have been a more positive and contrived ending to taking down the White Claws, what with how the author built them up. I mean, in that sense it’s a narrative fiasco, but I doubt that’s what is implied here.

Max and Steven played around with fusion, becoming Maximum Quartz and training or just having fun. Maximum was eager to introduce himself to the other gems, Garnet smiling wide, Amethyst checking out his impressive muscles, and Pearl just still astonished by how effortlessly they fused and how happy they were. When first seeing Maximum Quartz, he looked like the ultimate warrior. Yet without any threats, the fusion seemed like a happy and excited child without a care in the world.

A muscular, attractive, super powered manchild. Maximum “Totally not Goku” Quartz is really just another mask the Marty Stu dons, so that the author can indulge in power fantasies. At least the author must be running out of ways to empower Max at every turn.

Speaking of Pearl, things between her and Maxwell have been...quiet to say the least. Max confronted her and said he was ready to let her kick his ass, but she said he was excused because it was all for the mission. Of course neither of them believed what she said, Max noticing the light blue blush on her face as she steered clear of him.

I can’t believe it either, since Max’s behavior is inexcusable.

After some weeks of relaxation, nobody would have expected the morning where they're all woken up by a bugle horn and finding a fucking tank outside the house.

What fresh hell is this?

"What the heck!?" Max feel out of bed as he grabbed the nearest thing he could find and ran outside. "Who's there!? I got a….cantaloupe and I'm not afraid to use it!"

Do you sleep in the kitchen, Max?

"Is that how you greet your old pal?"


Steven gathered the gems in a panic as they went outside to fight whatever threat has shown its face. "Don't worry Max! We're here to help!" They come out to see a very noticeable tank, Max, and some strange woman in a marine soldier uniform. She had short brown hair that reached her shoulders, a surprisingly cute face adorned with sunglasses, and a fit body accentuated by her uniform. Currently she and Max were in a stare down, a smug grin on her face while Max looked displeased with this situation.

It displeases me as well. Do you have any idea the damage that tank must have done to the roadwork while driving through Beach City?

"Don't waste your energy, she's no threat."

"Um, last time I checked, our win loss ratio is 99 me, 98 you. So suck it!"

"Piss off! Why don't I show you how much stronger I've gotten?!"

Are you implying you used to fight her in her tank, Max?

"Come on pretty boy, I'll kick your ass any day...except for Saturday. Saturday is my me day."

The two continued to bicker, almost forgetting the Crystal gems who were watching bewildered.

"Wow, they fight kinda like Amethyst and Pearl." Steven commented out loud, causing Garnet to snicker.

You mean like Amethyst and Pearl if they hadn’t worked out their issues over several seasons of singing and crying? Why does this story ignore any and all character development?

The two gems were about to retort until they see Max and the girl finally start getting physical. She flicked his nose, he pushes her. She puts him in a headlock, he flips her onto her back. Now it was an all out clash between the two. Surprisingly the girl was able to match him in combat flawlessly, having a fighting style almost identical to his.

The unnamed human besting the gem-powered protagonist in a physical struggle? In that case, I shall call her Mary Sue.

Garnet decided to intervene before the two really hurt each other, picking them up and separating them.

"G-garnet, come on. I'm not a child."

"Yeah you are."

"Says the girl making faces at me!" The girl was currently sticking her tongue out at him before looking to Garnet with a innocent smile.


I hate her. I didn’t hate Max this quick, but this girl I loathe already. This panzer anime reject parked a tank in front of the temple, blew on a trumpet to wake everyone up, and then proceeded to have a sissy fight with Maxwell without even acknowledging the existence of the people who actually live there. And Max encouraged her, because the author decided it’s silly o’clock again. I don’t mind silly, but when it comes at the expense of the characters not acting responsibly, then it’s the most infuriating thing imaginable.

"I don't know what you're talking about Max."

"Don't think you can fool me." Garnet sets them down but keeps them at least five feet from each other.

"Well I guess I better introduce myself, I'm Corporal Tempus. Normally I'm not allowed to give my full name, but fuck it. I'm Caroline Tempus."

And I’m betting the same goes for driving military hardware within civilian areas. I hope your superiors gives your bratty ass a spanking of the non-kink variety.

"Shut it Carly, just explain why you're here."

Or better yet, how she found you.

"Oh you haven't called me that nickname in so long, did you fall for me again?~"

"K-knock it off or I will pour magma all over you!"

She just giggles at his blushing face, the others looking very confused.

"Just what is going on?" Steven asked confused.

Isn’t it obvious, Steven? Another hitherto unmentioned part of Max’s past has come to leave a previously non-existent impact on the plot. This is like the fourth time this happens.

"Alright, let me explain. I didn't become this strong of a fighter just on my own. Carly here is the one who trained me to become such a skilled human fighter. I trained with many marines to become an expert warrior, but it was Carly who really unlocked my potential. By training with her, we found ourselves becoming stronger than everyone else, soon the strongest of all and becoming extremely skilled with almost all weaponry.

You read that right, folks. Max doesn’t owe his strength to Obsidian, his many years as a vigilante drifter, or all the pain and hardships he’s accumulated like badges of honor – it was all thanks to marine training together with this smug, giggling, immature scamp with the rank of Corporal. I don’t know how the author can take his own shit seriously anymore.

After some time, I decided to leave because I wanted to continue my travels. When I my plan to Carly, she didn't take it well."

"What are you talking about?"

"You slapped me across the face and called me a good for nothing deserter."

"Oh...r-right, but I made up for it!"

"Unfortunately some of the marines believed that I was abandoning the marines because I was a spy or traitor. I barely made it out if it wasn't for Carly activating the emergency siren, and allowed me to leave through the panic...while I'm grateful for that, the slap and name calling was uncalled for."

You went AWOL, Max. That makes you a deserter. Uncalled for??? You should have been court-martialed, you dumbass!

"Well you're the one who left me, I mean all of us."

"I told you from the start I only joined to get stronger, at the time I personally didn't care whether or not every country goes to war over stupid disputes. I didn't want to become strong just to be used as a puppet, I grew strong to beat anyone who intended to hurt me.

That’s the crux of what’s entirely wrong with this story, isn’t it, Max? You. It’s all about you. It’s about what you need, not what you can give. It’s about everything bad that can happen to you, not all the harm you could prevent from befalling others. It’s about your power, your past, your everything. It’s your world, Max – everyone else just lives in it.

And if you're mad at me, then why are you here for me...speaking of which, how do you look so young? Didn't we meet when I was around 40?"

"You said you were 25."

"And you said you loved me, we both lied."

The tank driving schoolgirl stand-in with the last name “Tempus” is older than she appears? What an amazing surprise!

"W-whoa whoa wait. You two dated?" Amethyst asked, clearly interested for some drama.

"W-well, not exactly." Max said as he looked away with a blush.

"Things in the military were stressful. As we got closer we developed some bonds and found a form of...stress relief~"



"Teasing me all day like that, I'll make sure you won't be able to walk straight for a week!"


*back to the present*

Since the author doesn’t bother indicating who is speaking the dialog lines, feel free to imagine who was the bottom bitch.

"N-not in front of Steven! And you still haven't answered my questions."

"Well, with our training I became one of the best of the best. I was allowed to test a new miracle pill that allowed the best soldiers to be eternally youthful. This way we're always combat ready in case of a war."

The military has pills that stops aging? And you want us to believe they wasted that kind of resources on a Corporal?

"Bullshit. Human adaptation in medicine and science isn't that good."

"Oh please, we have tons of stuff secret. We got hoverboards, jetpacks, the cure for cancer."

"Wait was that last one?"

"Not important. What is important is that I was sent here to recruit you and your...friends? For a mission in helping us exterminate any leftover members of the White Claws.


Author, as much as I want to congratulate you for not having the White Claws issue be resolved by a single confrontation, I still want to reach through my screen and strangle the stripes off of this vile trollop’s uniform. Given her apparent lack of aging for forty-some years, these military secrets aren’t something she’s blowing out of her ass, and can therefore be assumed as fact. And the fact that the military is sitting on the cure for cancer is fucking important. This isn’t some throwaway joke she’s making, it’s the admittance of governmental neglect that causes the deaths of millions each year!

We have reason to believe that they will be coming after you since you did kill their leader. All we ask is that you let me stay here with you and send reports to HQ about what I find."

"Absolutely not, I won't let you reveal any secrets about the gems and allow dirty greedy human hands to ruin what we have worked on."

What the hell have you ever contributed to the Crystal Gem’s cause, Max? You help bubble a few corrupted gems, and suddenly you act like you lead the team.

The gems seemed to approve of Max's decision, but Caroline wasn't about to give up so easily.

"Okay, what if I promise to only write about the White Claws, anything about your 'gem gang' or whatever will be omitted."

Could you please act like you at least know why the White Claws were attacking the gems in the first place?

"Better, but the answer is still no."

She sighs as she pulls out a walkie talkie. "Time for the big guns. Okay boys drop it in."

"What are you doing?"

"Just bringing some incentives~" A helicopter swoops in before releasing a large crate and having it land on the sandy beach. Carly giggles mischievously as she opens the crate to reveal...tons of grade A organic milk? Surely this won't be enough to deter our protagonist...and he's drooling over it.


"I-is that?" Max stammers as he looks at the heavenly elixirs.

"Yep, a lifetime supply of milk just for you if you agree to let me stay here."

"Curse you, using one of my favorite things against me." Thing is, Max was never properly fed as a baby. He was so detested that his mother only gave him formula, and even then mostly forgot about it. This caused Max to have an extreme desire for milk, almost never satisfied unless he drank a gallon. Carly knew it was one of his biggest weaknesses, well that and another ace up her sleeve if this didn't work.

Let me get this straight. Max was hated by his parents even as an infant, which made his mother simply neglect him rather than put him up for adoption. His lack of a tit to suck caused him to develop a Freudian thirst for liquid dairy, rather than him simply suffering mineral deficiency and poor development in infancy. Also, not only did Carly somehow know this, she had her superiors sign off on the plan to bribe the gem-powered lactose craver with a surplus of a perishable product readily available in every grocery store in the world. Author, the tone of your story meanders back and forth between generic shonen anime clichés and bargain bin cartoon humor, both of which seek to appeal to the lowest common denominator. The only times you actively attempt and subsequently fail to add value to your story, is when you rip off much more popular material or attempt to have your author avatar exposit wisdom with all the accuracy of mistranslated fortune cookies. I’m saying your story is shit, author. And yet the above paragraph is an insult and a disservice to it. What were you thinking?!

"So what is it gonna be?"

"...I'm probably gonna hate myself later, but the answer is still no."

"Um, Max, it's honestly not a big deal anymore. We were talking about it and decided that Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl will take turns carefully watching her and making sure she doesn't do anything bad." Steven explained.

At least Steven is still acting responsibly. Not enough to kick Max off the team, but I digress.

"Still, I'm uneasy about this,"

"Jeez Max, still so stubborn even today. Fine, if this is the only way to convince you." She blushes as she slowly undid her top and, WHOA WAIT!

She was described as wearing a marine soldier uniform – when did she get a top to take off?

"M-my last bargaining chip. I-if you let me stay, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE TO MY BREASTS!" She yells out as she flashes her impressively large breasts at him, Garnet making sure to cover Steven's eyes.

"C-Carly!" Max blushes harder as he looks away. He was always a breast man, and didn't want to become a lust muddled mess by looking at her large melons. "O-okay okay! Y-you can stay, j-just cover yourself before I l-lose control."

Let’s diminish the male gender to helpless slaves of their libido. I think I figured out why you can’t keep a girlfriend, Max!

Carly smiles happily and covers herself up, not willing to admit that she always enjoyed teasing him and his love for her big breasts. Plus if the reports were true about how much trouble he and the gems go through, she knew this was going to be a fun time.

It’s almost like the author couldn’t wait for his Marty Stu to bump groins with the gems, so he inserted this animated blowup doll to get his fix.

With some time, a bed was set up for her in Max's room, per her instructions. She said it was what her bosses told her to do, but everyone knew she just wanted to toy with Maxwell. Max just tried to ignore it as he partook in tons of his favorite drink, gulping down bottles of milk like a desert survivor drinking water.

I thought the story had run out of ways to disgust me, but here we are.

After the long day of getting everything situated. He went fr his bed to rest, but when he opened the door, he wasn't expecting Carly full nude on his bed.

I was. Everyone reading this story was. This character is so transparent, it’s a wonder if she can even cast a shadow.

"Oh hi Max~ What? You forgot I like to sleep in the nude?~"

"I-I know what you're doing, and I'm n-not falling for it."

"This doesn't have anything to do with the mission Max, I just wanted to reconnect for old times sake."


"Well maybe this will convince you~" She grabs a bottle of milk she was hiding and pours some of the cold tantalizing liquid on her stunning bosom. Max didn't even think twice before pouncing on her, making her squeal in delight.


Author's note: I may have to change from T rating to M rating after this chapter, but tell me what you all think. If I should change the rating, go on and tell me. If you'd like, I'll make a chapter about the sex scene above. Enjoy!

Because if there’s something we want to read about, then it’s the sexual escapades of Maxwell “Milk Boner” Ignitus and Caroline “Man Manipulator” Tempus.


This chapter was simply infantile. An eternally young nymphomaniac in a tank slobbering over the author avatar was injected out of the blue, with seemingly no other reason than for the author to gets his rocks off. Even as he was lining up for Max to get romantic with the gems, he has him rebound to his suddenly appearing ex-girlfriend – and then adds even more to Max’s impossible backstory as well as giving him a milk fetish on top. The only way this vapid and empty character can be salvaged, would be for her to become the next villain the gems have to watch Max kill.

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Re: The Human With a Gem

Post by StabbyKobold » Sat Jul 28, 2018 8:12 am

The plot whispers of the continued presence of the White Claws. Unfortunately, it did this by introducing an abominable character with all the hallmarks of a harem anime side-chick. Let’s just get on with it and hope another sniper shows up to make her nine inches shorter. Enjoy.


Chapter 28: Stake outs and make outs


Not safe for work? Crap, this is the sex scene, isn’t it?

Max suckles on Caroline's tender nipples eagerly, licking away any remaining milk from her breasts and stripping his pants and underwear off to free his horny erection.

"Still so naughty~ Your cock getting so big and hard just for me, you're such a pervert~"

You just doused yourself with cow lactate, in order for Max to give in to his baser instincts. That boner ain’t for you, Carly.

"Says the one literally flashing her tits at me."

"I don't know what you're talking about~" She giggles as she strips all the way, showing off all of her strong and voluptuous body for him. "I missed this, you were always my favorite sex toy~"

Kind of makes you wonder how many times she’s tried to replace him during the last forty years.

Max growls in anger and thrusts his hips, shoving his thick cock inside her, making the marine squeak in surprise. She pouts at him before lightly papping his face. "Bad boy~"

"Shut up baby I know it." He nips and sucks in her neck as he starts fucking her relentlessly, making her scream in pleasure and making her glad that she soundproofed the room earlier.

With fucking what? Why would she even care? She flashed her tits in the presence of a fourteen-year-old – she obviously has no shame.

She holds him close and relaxes as he goes to town on her cunt.

"Mmm~ s-still so rough~ Are you gonna cum soon? Gonna paint my insides white with your hot gooey cum?~"

If he still has the properties of a volcano, I hope for your sake he’s wearing an asbestos condom.

Her dirty talk was getting to Max as he edged closer to his orgasm. This prompted him to go faster and give a nice bite to her shoulder, making her scream out in pleasure. "Give it to me Max!~ Cum in me!~"

Author, do me a favor. Take a nice bite out of your arm, keep going until it feels good or my point gets across.

Max yells out in ecstasy as he pumps her with all of his pent up semen. Carly moans loudly as she cums with him, her pussy milking him for every last drop.

*nsfw end*

As if reading fanfiction at work was safe to begin with.

In the afterglow of the incredibly pleasurable climax, Max hugs her close and kisses her cheek softly. Carly rolls her eyes with a smirk and pushes him off.

"Cool it Romeo, you know I'm not into that mushy shit. Just keep your hands off and maybe I'll let you sniff my hair or whatever romantic stuff you like."

After the milk incident, I dread to imagine his romantic tastes.

Max only sighs before moving to his side of the bed to sleep.

So a new member has joined the team. Caroline seemed to get along with the others well enough. She was kind to Steven in a sisterly manner, had a fun time playing pranks or wrestling with Amethyst, sparred with Pearl and they both shared military tactics without revealing anything too confidential.


The floozy has been there for less than a day, has sex with the main protagonist, and suddenly she’s a member of the team and everyone is just fine with it? Get bent, author, you hormone-driven buffoon! Carly is a military agent who obeys a chain of command unaffiliated with the Crystal Gems and their creed. After the entire “fiasco” with the White Claws, the gems should be doubly weary of humans trying to double-cross them. The gems’ disposition towards Carly should be tense at best. Why are you suddenly forcing this Mary Sue sex-toy into the plot?!

As for Garnet, things seemed to go well at first, at least until Caroline tried flirting with her. Then Garnet unfused to show Ruby and Sapphire, thus making Carly's brain explode. No not literally, but she did seem broken.

Garnet didn’t unfuse to get her point across for Jamie the mailman, what makes the tank tramp deserving of this attention?

Maxwell explained the whole thing about the gems being thousands of years old and being aliens who protect the Earth. Caroline took the news well...and by that I mean she then went asking hundreds of questions like an alien fanatic. Max was able to get her to slow down, and helped answer as many questions as possible, all the while making sure she promised not to give any important information to her bosses.

Author, I beg you, let this bitch actually betray them or die a melodramatic death to fuel Max’s angst engines – I don’t care which, I just want her dead.

After a week, Caroline decided to go for a more direct approach of looking for the White Claws. She tried interrogating some citizens, only for Max and Steven to pull her away. She was instead allowed to hold a stake out at night to look for any suspicious people.

I hope Steven has told her who actually lives in the town, because it would be rather stupid for her to be distracted by people that aren’t potential White Claws agents.

At 11:00 pm, Max decided to go and check on her, while bringing a cup of coffee for her as well.

"Thanks, I could never get used to this stuff, but at least it keeps me awake." She sips lightly from the cup as she looks through her binoculars.

"Find anything yet?"

Hopefully she’s found some scene descriptions, because I have no idea where the two of you are right now.

"No, but I'm onto something."

"Really? Let me see."

"No, these are my binoculars."

"Quit being a child and let me use them."

"I know what you are but what am I?"

"Real mature." He pushes her out of the way and looks through the binoculars, seeing it was aimed at the peculiar kid named Onion.

Because he perfectly matches the description of a White Claws member, doesn’t he? I won’t even bother with an “I called it”, this author’s dumpster-diving effort of a joke isn’t worth it.

"What is this?"

"I'm telling you, that kid is hiding something!"

"And I thought I was paranoid."

And I doubt you dated this girl because of her brains.

She just sticks her tongue out at him and takes the binoculars back, looking across the whole town. So far nothing dangerous, some people out for a late night stroll.

"...ugh, maybe you should go back to your base, there are obviously no threats."

On the contrary, my current threat count is two.

"You don't know for sure. And no need to try and get rid of me."

"I'm not trying to get rid of you."

"Then would you let me stay if I had no obligations?"


Riveting dialog, I can really feel the emotion contained in that ellipsis.

"What happened Max? We were pretty close and now you act like I'm a stain on your cloak. I know you had bad relationships, but why would that make us not friends."

"It's just that...I moved on. I'm far stronger than ever before. Obsidian and I are something beyond the human race, we aren't limited to the weak human form, I can control fire for crying out loud!"

Whoa-whoa-whoa, since when, Max?! You’ve been able to use fire, create it even, but at no point have you controlled the element. Are you simply getting new powers in passing, now?!

"So that means I meant nothing to you?"

"You and I both know that's not true. I just...Steven and the gems are now a group I feel like I really belong to."

And yet you phrased it like you left Carly merely because you couldn’t gain any more power from being with her. How can you continue to make yourself a shallower person than you already are?

"So you love them?"

"...yeah, I do. Steven is an awesome person I can call brother, and the gems make my heart skip a beat and give me butterflies in my stomach. I care for them all and want to stay with them. I don't want to be anchored by humans anymore."


Every time Max opens his mouth, it’s another declaration of the author not knowing what Steven Universe is about. Humans and humanity are some of the main elements of the show. The gems are constantly learning from them, Rose Quartz was fascinated by their ability to change and decide their own purpose, and every lesson Steven learns is about what it means to be human rather than a super powered cartoon protagonist. But Max, and thereby the author, doesn’t want that. He wants everything the gems have. Immortality. Power. None of the flaws that we weak, hurtful and greedy humans have. Even though that without humans, the gems would be a bunch of apathetic robots caught in social, emotional, and intellectual stagnation. They would be everything they defected from. They would be just another jewel-shaped cog in the machine that is Homeworld. Why can’t the author fucking realize this?!

"So I'm just an anchor?"w

"You keep pulling me back into this relationship without love. Yeah we get intimate, but I want more than just pleasure, I want love, I want to be able hold and kiss and hold someone close to me, someone who makes me feel special, and I feel the gems can probably give me that."


That had better be an ellipsis of disbelief, not an ellipsis of reluctant understanding.

"Look, the White Claws are done for. Steven and I took out the leader, the head of the snake. Even if any escaped and are out for revenge, the crystal gems can take them out no problem."

"Jeez, 'Crystal gems this, crystal gems that' I get it, you kiss the land they walk on."

"What are you going on about? I don't act like that. I'm just saying they are intelligent and powerful, they can take on any threat that comes their way."

"Oh you naughty boy, work the shaft~"


"Oh sorry, I love dirty talking when I see someone 'sucking a dick.'"

Ripping off Hellsing Ultimate Abridged now, author? Using a stolen joke in your story is like sending dick-picks using porn star photos. The moment someone recognizes it as not being yours, then you’re the dick.

"Oh I'm sorry, is that too mean? Well how about 'bitch!?'"

"Arrogant dick!"

"Stupid cow!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"



I’m only surprise it didn’t come to this any sooner.

They both stare at each other angrily before kissing each other in frustration. They get onto the floor, about to get down and dirty before Max's eyes glanced to the telescope and saw something interesting.

Namely that it had been binoculars just moments ago.

"Wait what?" He pushes away from Caroline and looks into the telescope.

"What the fuck? You can't just get me all hot and bothered and leave me high and dry."

"First of all, you did that to me all the time. Second, shut the fuck up because I see someone wearing a White Claw jacket."

Because being inconspicuous would only stall the plot further, I guess.

"Huh?" She looks into the telescope and sees someone walking around with a jacket with the exact same insignia as the White Claws. "Well looks like we found our guy."

"Or girl. Or whatever gender they identify as. I don't judge." Max said with a shrug.

Personally, I think Amethyst should be allowed to identify as an attack helicopter.

"Shut up, it's a criminal, that's all I care about, let's go!"

"What about the gems?"

"You can blow their dicks later." She jumps off the balcony, and Max runs after her with a huff.

Balcony? Where the fuck are they?!

They soon found the figure going to a dark alley and follow behind.

"Freeze dirtbag!"

"Huh?" The figure said as Caroline rushed and went to take out them out. The figure cowers in fear as she tries to land a punch, only for Max to pull her back.

"Hey what gives!?"

Another plot contrivance that the Marty Stu is already privy to, I’m sure.

"Stand down soldier! This isn't a threat."

"What are you talking about?!"

Max tosses her to the side and takes off the figure's hood, showing a scared Sour Cream who was speaking the same way as his father Yellowtail in a panic.

"It's fine Sour Cream. You're not in any danger. Just take a deep breath."

You think Sour Cream would be upset by a chick in military uniform approaching him in an alley? He would probably just offer her a glowstick and be on his way.

Carly looks at Max confused, watching the boy who used to be a hothead ready to kill without hesitation, now turned into this calm reasonable man. She looks at her hand, wondering how he was fast enough to stop her and intervene.

If you’re just here to marvel at the Marty Stu, Mary Sue, then it’s been done already. Move the fuck on.

"You okay?" Sour Cream nods softly. "Okay, can you please tell me where you got this hoodie? It has the insignia of a horrid cult know as the White Claws."

"Whoa really? I just thought it looked like a rad design. My dad found it out in the middle of the sea, washed it and gave it to me, thinking it matched my style. I thought it was cool gift and wore it around. Well I guess this is serious business. You can take this sweater, and I guess you can talk to my dad about where he found it if you need more info."

Author, please tell me you know the difference between a hoodie and a sweater.

"Thanks Sour Cream, I'm sorry for the trouble."

"No problem man." They exchange a quick fist bump and Sour Cream heads off. Carly looks at Max astounded.

"What? Jealous of my people skills?" Max just smirks at her before walking off to the temple with the sweater in hand. His face morphs to a grim look as he looks at the hoodie, wondering if the White Claws are possibly in action again.

Nah, they probably just decide to pollute the ocean with their tacky merch.


It seems like Max and Carly are stealing the entire show now, since the author didn’t see the need to involve Steven or the gems in any vital way in this chapter. I’d rather have them be ignore than misused though, so I’ll take that as a silver lining.

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Re: The Human With a Gem

Post by StabbyKobold » Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:04 am

The hunt for the White Claws is on, because potentially weeks old flotsam is somehow a breakthrough in the investigation that started as a stationary stakeout. With Max’s track record of finding and following clues, I’m going to guess this is yet another premeditated tactic for the bad guys to lure the Marty Stu into an ineffective trap. Let’s see if I’m right. Enjoy.


Chapter 29: Conversation

After a conversation with Yellowtail, and some translating from Vidalia, Maxwell was able to find where the hoodie was initially found. Max rented a boat and explained his plan to the gems to search the area for any hint of the White Claws.

The hoodie was found in the middle of the sea, Max. Ocean currents notwithstanding, what do you hope to find in that spot other than the drowning victim the thing slipped off from?

Steven seemed to be having a fun time on the boat with the others, but Max couldn't shake away the feeling of uneasiness. After some time, strange floating items were found in this foggy area of the ocean.

"...whoa guys check it out, free White Claw swag for the rest of us!" Amethyst says excitedly as she grabs one of the floating sweaters and puts it on before shapeshifting into one of the soldiers they fought. "Oh gems are a menace, humans are best, blah blah blah."

That’s hardly a fair impression of the android that she fought. Because that’s all the gems have been allowed to handle without Max doing solo heroics.

"Amethyst, as accurate as your impersonation is, you shouldn't wear one of those things so casually, what if a tracking device is on them?"

"Oh chill out Pearl, what are they gonna do? Explode or something?"

Everyone's eyes widened as they head the surrounding sweaters begin to beep slowly then rapidly.

Irony triggered explosives is the most annoying kind.

"Son of a-!" Max was cut off as they were all blown sky high from the bombs. The boat seemed intact, but it wouldn't be long until they crash back onto the sea.

Did Max rent a boat or the fridge that Indiana Jones escaped a nuke in? I know the show is a cartoon, but that doesn’t mean it employs cartoon physics.

"What are we gonna do!? We're gonna crash!" Steven yelled out as everyone held onto the boat for dear life.

"We gotta abandon ship!" Max says in response.

"F that, at the rate we're falling our bodies would go splat like a cockroach on cement!"

"Carly, this isn't the time to fight, if we jump at the right time, we'll be fine. Garnet, hold onto Steven just in case."

Here’s a better plan, let Steven actually use his protective powers for once. His bubble has withstood spaceship crashes, you egotistical show-stealer.

"Already on it." She elongates her arms and hugs Steven close as everyone but Caroline prepares to jump.

"Carly! Please trust me!" Max yells out as Carly had an internal debate with herself before finally joining them. "Okay, on three! One...two…" The boat was a few feet from hitting the ocean. "Three!" With that everyone jumped off the boat just before it crashed and they dived into the water with minimal harm.

Normally, this kind of jump would kill a human, because jumping sideways off a crashing vessel does nothing to diminish the downwards directional force in any life-saving capacity. However, none of the people aboard the boat possesses human frailty, so there’s no point in pretending they were in any danger.

"Phew, looks like we made it. Is everyone okay?" Everyone confirms they are unharmed, Steven laughing to himself.

"Let's do it again!"

"Hehehe, sorry Steven, but we gotta get going. We need to find out who left these dangerous hoodies, and stop them. Anyone got a plan?"

I do. Step one, figure out whether these are sweaters or hoodies, you fashion Neanderthal. Step two, unless Sour Cream had a non-explosive version, maybe you should closely examine the suicide cult merch when you find it.

"We split up." Garnet said stoically. "We'll cover more ground that way, or sea in this case. Pearl, Amethyst, Steven and Caroline are one team, Max and I will be the other."

Max knew something didn't add up, and everyone thought they same, but they knew Garnet was smart about these things and decided to take her word, not even Caroline giving her sass.

Being a member of the marines, she’s normally incapable of following orders, you see.

"There is land nearby, we'll swim there then split up." Everyone nods and starts swimming. Once on the sandy beach, the group split into their teams and went to explore the desolate looking island.

It was, for a lack of a better term, very awkward as Max and Garnet silently strolled through the jungle, looking for any hints of the White Claw being around, yet there seemed to be almost no sign of life except for the occasional seagull or small anthill.

Awkward because Garnet decided to take charge like a competent leader instead of you, or awkward because you want to bone her?

"...why did you tell me to hold on to Steven?"

"Huh? Well I thought you knew that I cared for the little guy."

"I understand that, but why me specifically?"

Because he needed to isolate you for a private conversation and this is the excuse the author went with.

"While I know you are capable of emotions just like anyone else, during a panic inducing moment, you appear to be the most level headed. While I trust Pearl and Amethyst too, you would be able to keep calm and protect him, not to mention you have more body mass than the others."

"Excuse me?"

"...nononononononono! Not like that I-I mean your big, n-no I mean-" Before he can stammer any further, Garnet but a finger to his lips and had a small smile on her face. "Oh you were messing with me. I swear if I wasn't a nice guy and you weren't taller than me I'd bop you on the head."

I’m still wondering how Max thought her body mass was a qualifier for keeping Steven safe.

Garnet just continued with her smug smile as she walked on. Small tracks were found in the sand, then leading to signs of a struggle, only for any leftover prints to be scattered or covered with leaves.

"They seem either paranoid, or know we're here."

Who were they even struggling with if not one of you guys? Each other?!

"We cannot let them continue their path. While we prefer to stay out of human conflicts, this concerns all gems."


That’s because it isn’t a human conflict, Garnet. It’s human-on-gem hate crime. Why are we suddenly pretending the Crystal Gems could ignore this based on the species of their attackers?

"...I've been meaning to ask, what happened during some of the earlier human wars? I'm sorry if this is not the time to ask, but I'd like to know...did you really stand by and watch as so many lives were lost?"

"'s not so simple. Humans needed to settle their own problems and grow without interference. Who knows how the world would have changed if we interacted."

All things considered, if there were any human wars, it’s not necessarily something the gems would have noticed – especially prior to the founding of Beach City. Nevertheless, let’s go ahead and see what sophistry Max wants to validate himself through.

"I understand you didn't fight, I respect that you chose to let us fight our battles...but did you help the innocent? The people that weren't involved in the wars, the ones who were wrongly persecuted...I won't think any different of you depending on your answer, but I still would like to know."

" was awful. Many times Rose wanted to help, and so did we. We felt so weak to just stand by as human, sometimes even ones as young as Steven, be slaughtered in the midst of a war….I never knew humans could bleed so much."

“I mean, where do you even keep all that blood? I could keep wringing a human like a shamwow for hours.”

"You and me both."

"It was difficult, but we forced ourselves to not interact, we stayed as far away as we could from the conflict, and only hoped humanity wouldn't fall."

In a war of humans versus humans, you hoped that humans wouldn’t lose?

"...the more depressing part of me wants to say humanity has already fallen, but it's still young. We have made many mistakes, but have grown because of it. Billions of lives have fallen and soaked the earth with their blood, but in return comes today's world. There may be many suffering, but even more given a chance to keep growing and make a difference in the world. So many given options to become stronger, wiser, faster, and just maybe help this world become something greater."

Humans are awful, guys! We should all become self-ostracized vessels for corrupted alien beings and utilize their powers to elevate ourselves above everyone else. I didn’t pick you for a Scientologist, author.

"Do you feel you are one of those people?"

"Quoting Macbeth, 'False face must hide what the false heart doth know.' What I mean is, I try to live life with a smile and positive attitude, especially around Steven, but it feels more like a mask. Inside I know I struggle to try and be something good, despite the corruption and pain consuming my heart. So many times I try to be someone good, but I know it can't remove the sins I have committed...yet, when around you all, I feel like maybe there is a chance for me. I don't have to be a bad person because of my past...with you, Pearl, Amethyst, Obsidian, and Steven, I can no longer be a fire that burns everything in its path, but a flame that brings warmth and light to those who need it."


Then maybe you should use a more uplifting quote, instead of taking a single sentence out of a famous literary work without context. Macbeth was talking about faking grief after unjustly killing his own brother in order to avoid suspicion. Not exactly what I would cite for expressing hope and positivity in spite of my own experiences.

Garnet smiles softly at him before bending to his height and planting a soft kiss on his cheek, making him blush furiously like a grade schooler with a crush.

"Sorry, you were just so cute talking Like that. I heard you talking to Caroline last night, and I'm sure we'd all be more than happy to help you get a better understanding of love."

Max's mouth was moving but no sound was coming out before he decided to just shyly hide his face behind her hands, making Garnet giggle more as she takes his hand gently. He looks at her and blushes more.

Sixty-eight years old, ladies and gentlemen. Can’t you just tell how mature and experienced he is?

He smiles softly and walks with her around the jungle.

Unbeknownst to them, a certain girl strayed from her group, and saw the whole interaction, a look of murder in her eyes. She grabs her cellular device and quietly says "It's time. Operation Zero must commence."

I’m not unconvinced this might just be a jealousy fake out, but if Caroline turns traitor, this story will at least provide me with one kindness.


The cast has arrived at a desolate looking yet jungle covered island, which they only decided to investigate after their boat was blown sky high in a display of the author’s lacking knowledge of physics. Caroline is acting suspicious, not that it’s news to anyone, but her mentioning the word Zero implies we’re heading into edgy town soon – and I hate that place.

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Re: The Human With a Gem

Post by StabbyKobold » Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:47 am

With the cast all stranded upon a mysterious island on the track of the White Claws, it would be now, with the attention of the readers peaked, that the author should deliver upon the buildup with an exciting new chapter of his story. Guess what doesn’t happen here. It seems that the author, enamored with a contemporary seasonal event, decided to let his story rest at the wayside in favor of having his protagonist have his fill of pointless play pretend. Because it’s Halloween in Beach City, and you’ve got three guesses as to what Max wants to dress up as. Here’s a hint, he’s already tried to emulate him through his street cred and equipment. Enjoy.


Chapter 30: Halloween

Author's note: This is not canon to the story. I just thought it would be fun to make.

I hope you also thought to make it fun to read.

Pearl hummed to herself as she set up some of the 'spooky' decorations around the house, including rubber bats and snakes, and plastic jack o lanterns. Amethyst was out getting the candy, and Garnet was making sure she didn't eat it all. Steven was with Connie as they went to get their costumes for trick or treating and the Halloween party later on.

This… is actually a nice setup. The gems are participating in a piece of human culture, likely unknowing of its meaning but indulging Steven’s wishes for them to do so. There’s a wealth of interesting aspects about Halloween that could be used to further explore the human condition, such as the paradoxical thrill of inviting fearful experiences and masquerading as monsters. This might actually be good.

As for Maxwell's whereabouts...they were soon to be revealed.

Oh, right, Max is here. Never mind what I said, this is going to suck.

Amethyst kicks open the door with a smile on her face. "Whoo! We got the goods!"

"Excellent, now we can properly give out treats to any of the children who come to our doorstep. I still say we should hand out toothbrushes, so much candy can't possibly be healthy for consumption.

Who in their right mind thinks handing out toothbrushes on Halloween is a good idea?! Sure thing, Mrs. McDentist, those toothbrushes are totally going to help stave off the kids’ future onset of diabetes and reduce their weight gain! After all, it’s not like they could possibly have one at home already! Yeesh!

"Aw Pearl, let the kids live a little, it won't kill least I think it won't."

"Uh, Garnet, do you see anything in the future about Steven's health at risk."

"He doesn't die, I can assure you of that. Worst scenario, he gets a tummy ache...and he fortunately takes your advice so he doesn't get any cavities."

“Of course, he will be receiving razor filled apples, but with his healing spit that problem fixes itself.”

"Oh thank goodness, I'll make sure to get supplies ready to soothe his stomach afterwards."

"Can Steven even get a cavity? I mean, what about his healing spit and junk?"

"I don't think cavities heal the same way."

You know what else doesn’t heal the same way? Gems. I’m pretty sure Steven’s dental plan is secured.

While this slightly interesting conversation continues, it is to be their demise as the lights are switched off.

"Is this another power outage?" Pearl asks inquisitively.

Given the spoilery narration, Maxwell decided to pick up some party tricks from the mayor’s mansion incident.

"Aw man, and I wanted to get my groove on for the night, YOW!" Pearl and Garnet look to see where Amethyst was, finding nothing.

"D-did Amethyst just vanish?"

"Something isn't right stay on guard." Just as she says this, a rope is wrapped around her and drags her into the darkness.

I can only imagine Garnet is playing along to not make Maxwell snap from having his bubble burst.

"Garnet!" She pulls out her spear and stands tall, ready to defend herself. "I-I'm not afraid, show yourself!" After her shout of courage, it was quickly silenced as a swarm of bats with fangs bared fly out of the darkness. She shielded herself as the bats flew past her. She opens her eyes to see two small sharp objects fly at her and pin her clothing to the wall. She looks to see a mysterious figure slowly walk out. "W-what are you!?"

He’s a target – throw the spear!

The figure pounces at her and lifts her up by her collar. "I am the thing that people fear in the dark, I am the enemy to all things evil. I AM VENGEANCE...I AM THE NIGHT...I AM BATMAN!"

Pearl was completely stunned into silence the figure before her slowly lets her go and then turns on the lights. He removes his cowl, to reveal Maxwell with a smirk. "How do you like my costume?"

It lacks description. For all I know, it’s bright blue with bunny ears.

"Max?! W-where are Garnet and Amethyst?"

"Up here!" Pearl looks up to see Garnet and Amethyst were hanging from the ceiling.

"Sorry about that, it was to set the mood." Max goes and ties them and helps them down.

"That was pretty awesome, I'm not gonna lie, but why bats?"

"You guys don't know the story of Batman?" They all shake their heads, making Max sigh and tell the tragic tale of the hero.

In pulling off this stunt, Maxwell did the following: He caused a blackout by either rigging the lights remotely or cutting the power, he released a bunch of bats inside Steven’s house, he ruined a wall by impaling it with sharp objects, and he did who knows what to the ceiling to suspend both Amethyst and Garnet from it. All just for kicks and a punchline that only he was in on. He should have dressed as Bruce Wayne instead of Batman, because ‘egotistical asshole’ would match him quite nicely.

"Using his own fear against his enemies. Interesting."

"And he uses his money to get all these cool gadgets and gizmos?"

"And he uses a mixture of detective skills and combat to take down insane criminals?"

"Yep. He was always a favorite of mine, and with Halloween here I thought it would be fun to have a fully decked out costume as a tribute to the Dark Knight. Including hand made batarangs and grappling hook."

Because it’s not enough that you’re already an immortal vigilante with magical alien super powers, including immortality, nigh invulnerability, super strength, fire bending, and you can render your body immaterial – you want to be Batman on top of all this. How fitting, since your origins scream nothing but Hush.

"Where did you get all those bats though?"

"Oh that part was tricky, I had to shapeshift my obsidian arm into multiple bats, and make them fly. It wasn't easy, but definitely worth it. But I do apologize for scaring all of you."

As with the sweater/hoodie debacle, I must ask. Do you know the difference between an arm and a hand?!

"I-I wasn't scared, just...startled."

"Hehehe. Oh, I see we have other super heroes coming over." Max goes to the door excitedly, while the others seemed confused. He opens the door and opens up his cloak, and yells out, trying to scare them.

"Hi Max, your costume looks awesome." Steven and Connie walk in, unfazed by Max trying to scare them.

It’s a screen door, what was he expecting?

Steven had cool Superman costume, and Connie as Wonder Woman.

"Whoa, what are you little dudes going as?"

"Well Max suggested that we go as these superheroes because of how they were kinda similar to us."

In other words, Max forced his choice of costumes onto the kids, superseding what they would have wanted to wear.

"Yep, and this way we can go out as the Justice League!"

"Justice League?"

"Oh jeez, if I try to explain all of this, we'll never be able to get our trick or treat groove on. We can talk about it tomorrow, time to get some candy!"

Will you ever stop referencing pop-culture only you know about? It’s getting old.

"Aren't you a little old for trick or treating?" Pearl said with a smug smile.

"Aren't you, Garnet and Amethyst little old to stay so beautiful? Age doesn't matter when we're practically immortal. Besides this is my first Halloween ever." Pearl blushes from the out of nowhere compliment, but Steven looks at Max confused.

It wasn’t just out of nowhere, it had no place in the conversation. She was remarking on your maturity, and you remarked on the looks of unaging beings – calling them old, which I don’t think is a compliment at all.

"Your first?"

"Yeah, remember my childhood?"

"Oh yeah your hometown."

The one you slaughtered in cold blood? How could anyone forget?!

"Yep, so I intend to enjoy myself tonight and get some candy. WOOHOO!" It was odd seeing a young man in a batman costume so excited, but no one decided to ruin his fun. Steven and Connie followed him with glee as they hit up almost every house in Beach City.

"I got a chocolate bar!"

"I got licorice!"

"I gotta rock...rock candy that is!"

I imagine eating rock candy would provide the same imagery to gems as fellating a banana does to humans.

Laughter and cheer is heard throughout the city, everyone having fun giving scares, eating sweets, and just showing off their fun costumes. As soon as their bags of candy were getting heavy, they decided to head to the party. It was quite the shindig, many spooky yet catchy beats were blasting through the speakers, infecting people with the urge to dance until their legs give out.

I wish the author would feel the urge to describe where all of this is taking place.

"This is awesome! Come on Max, let's go dance."

"You two go ahead, I'm gonna make sure we put our candy somewhere safe."

Steven and Connie nod as they hit up the dance floor with their stellar dance moves. Max smiles as he goes and puts the bags of candy next to the doorway, and puts one of his special sensor bombs as a barrier. If anyone tried to steal the candy, they'll get covered with green goo.


You might want to consider heavier deterrent, Max.

With that all set up, he watched as Steven and Connie danced happily on the dance floor. The whole spirit of Halloween was in the air and Max felt things could only get better from here on out.

Say it with me everyone, “What could possibly go wrong?!”

The he heard a loud slam as someone busted through the front doors. Everyone was too preoccupied with the party to notice, at least until the strange figure kept bumping into others

The figure seemed to be dressed up like a seaweed monster, their costume covering them head to toe and unrecognizable. With the current holiday, everyone shrugged it as something normal, but the pit in Max's stomach grew with uneasiness as he watched the figure.

Is he ever going to react to these gut feelings that have never been proven wrong?

The strange being went to the food table and stared at the glorious feast of snack foods and candies. Then in one swift movement, they went on a ravenous rampage, eating everything on the table as if they were a starving vagabond.

All in one rampaging movement.

"Hey! Knock it off, that food is for everybody." Max yells out as he goes to stop the being, only for them to growl at him and a tendril of seaweed to grab him and fling him into the wall. The music stops and everyone watches as the being reveals its true self. Under the seaweed was a sickly and decomposed looking body. It was human in figure but on its stomach was a murky green gemstone.

That’s just a One-Punch Man villain with a naval piercing. Should I start questioning the origins of every corrupted gem you’ve used in this story, author?

"It's a corrupted gem. Steven! Connie! Evacuate everyone, I'll distract it." Steven and Connie nod as they help everyone out of the building.

Far be it for the people to find the exit themselves and let Steven and Connie actually do something.

The monster gives a bone chilling wail as it shuffles toward Maxwell.

"Good thing I never leave home without a weapon." He says as he pulls out his custom batarangs and throws them at the beast, the sharp projectiles getting embedded into their body, then screaming horrifically as it runs at him. Max grabs at his utility belt and throws a few smoke bombs.

Because of course he needed his Halloween costume to be fully authentic. I guess we need to tag on “crazy cosplayer” onto his laundry list of past professions.

The creature uses its seaweed to swipe at the smoke, only for no one to be there. The corrupted gem looks around slowly for Maxwell, not knowing he was hanging from one of the ceiling beams. He raises his cowl and dive bombs at the gem. They look around too late and see only dark bat-like outline in the light as Max gives a powerful dive kick to the gem, launching them into the wall and leaving a huge crack in it.

How much property damage are you raking in, Max?

The corrupted being curls up in fear as it looks at Max who stands intimidatingly in the light.

Without saying a word, Max walks over to the gem. It thrashes with its seaweed tendrils, only for Max to burn them with ease. Once in front of the frightened gem, he looks down on them with a powerful glare. "I don't know what torture is going on in your mind...but understand this...we will help you. One day the corruption will be purged and you will be free again."

“But first, let me terrify your already broken mind and torture you with fire.”

With that said, Maxwell reels back and punches as hard as he can, effectively poofing them back into their gem. Max sighs softly before bubbling the gem and sending it with the others.

Since when could he bubble gems? Fuck it; throw it on the power pile.

Everyone pools in and sees the wreckage, and the lone warrior standing there. "Defeated is the monster, you may continue with your festivities."

Ruined is the evening, you may go fuck yourself.

"Wait, before you go, who are you?" Steven asks to help set up the cool mood.

"My name is of no importance, but if you must know. Batman." He uses his grappling hook and disappears from view.

Presumably up into the rafters of this possibly brightly lit party room. And while I’m making assumptions due to lack of scene descriptions, I doubt there’s any skylights or vents to escape through, so he has to get back down to the floor in order to get out. Fucking dweeb.

" do realize we all know he's Max right?" Connie says with a smirk.

"Yeah, but I could tell he really wanted to do that." Steven says with a chuckle.

Everything that has happened in this story has been because he wanted to do it, Steven! Don’t indulge him!

Max is seen on the top of the temple and jumps off to glide into the night sky, the outline of a bat in the full moon.

Author's note: Now in the spirit of the holiday, here is a ghost story I wrote once for school, that I think ties into Max's character.

Oh joy, the chapter unrelated to the story has something even more unrelated tagged on at the end. It’s adorable that you take pride in your school work, author. But what is this other than asking your readers to grade your homework?

The creaking...I can hear every sound this house makes. From the tree branches hitting the window, to the ominous howls of the wind. For so many nights I have been unable to sleep. It is to the point where my bloodshot eyes only stare at the door. I don't know whether I love or hate that door. It hasn't done anything bad to me, but it is such a pushover.

First side effect of insomnia, you become tsundere for your door.

*Creeeeeeeak* Oh there it goes again, the door shamelessly opening wide...revealing the halls the kept me up for so long. The only time when everything else goes quiet, except for the god awful creaking once again. At first all that is in the hallway is nothing but air…*Creak* then I see a foot, whiter than the soulless eyes of the dead … *Creak* and now she has appeared.


Every night, for the past week, a little girl walking down my hallway at a slow pace, almost as if she were forcing her body to move, even though her body was dead. Her body and clothes were so eerily white, it hurts my eyes.

All of these problem would be solved if you just invested in some earplugs and a sleep mask.

She would look at me with those blank vacant eyes. I remember what I said the first time I saw her, I yelled "Hello? Who are you? I hope you understand you are in my house." She would say nothing, but raise her bony finger to her lips, almost as if she were shushing me, and then continues walking. Ever since then, I was unable to sleep. Nothing I do works. I tried every method, from warm milk to sleeping pills, but my eyes stay open as I watch her walk down the halls again.

Have you tried not sleeping in an old, noisy, and haunted house? Just asking.

This has gone too long, my body and mind are exhausted, near the breaking point. I wanted to sleep, I NEED TO SLEEP! It was too much, on that last night, I sprung from my bed and rushed at her, intent on ripping her head off.

You’re right, author. This does tie into Max’s character quite accurately.

Yet once I walked into the hallway, she was gone. I screamed. I felt mad, insane beyond comprehension. I didn't know what was wrong with me...then I hear a giggle. I couldn't see her, but I know she was there. She was taunting me, MOCKING ME!

Tell the bitch to get in line.

Then more voices joined, laughing at my misery. I clutched my head and tried to muffle the noises, but they only grew louder at my sad attempts. They continued to laugh and Laugh, And LAUGH! IT WAS SO FUNNY! I soon began laughing myself! Laughing louder than all of them, a laugh of pure horrid madness going through my house, silencing the other voices...I remember it all now.

What I remember is The Evil Dead, author. I hope your teacher didn’t slam you for plagiarism.

It all made sense...I knew those condescending voices, the little girl...I remember their screams and the looks of terror on their faces as I slit their throats. I laughed even louder if it was possible, it was so much fun remembering it. The people who tormented me, they were supposed to be family but all they did was keep me down.

You’ve got to admire the ghost girl’s sass – she’s dead but still dissing.

So much pain...the pain made me into what I am. I still can feel the warm blood as it flowed onto my hands. The screams of pain when I set their homes aflame while they were trapped inside. I was the only one laughing now, the girl was silent, trembling in fear as my voice echoed through her soul. Soon, all I had was a smile on my face as I walked back towards my bed.

Don’t forget to kiss the door goodnight.

I tucked myself in, finally at peace. I saw the girl in the hallway, tears in her eyes. I just smiled and snapped my fingers. She screams in horror as a fire spread across her, showing her ghastly corpse as I last saw it. The door shut closed and my eyes finally rested. I slept peacefully as I remembered….I won...I was no prisoner, I am in control of my life now. The house was silent, except for the musical echo of my laugh.


Happy Halloween

Not terrible for a school-mandated, short horror story, author. I think I can at least admit that much. By no means is it a good story, but it’s legible and that’s undoubtedly all that your teacher wanted from you. The twist of the narrator being the real monster was nice enough, although the language felt forced and contrived. However, the fact that you want to tie this into the character of the protagonist in your Steven Universe fanfic only serves as yet another reason for me to hate Maxwell.


I would call this chapter self-indulgent, if it wasn’t also the case for every chapter until now. Max did nothing but get high from his own fourth wall penetrating pop-culture knowledge, emulating his chosen superhero idol in such a way that it bordered on caricature. Still, I don’t see why the author decided to set this chapter outside of his own story’s continuity. All things considered, it could easily have happened in-between his irredeemable villain arcs. Although, I suppose that by putting Batman up on a pedestal, he’d suddenly have a moral conflict considering two of Batman’s personal rules; no guns, and no killing. And that would just ruin the author’s fun.

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Re: The Human With a Gem

Post by StabbyKobold » Mon Aug 20, 2018 7:12 am

It’s time for our protagonists to fall into another contrived trap laid out by our villains, and if the chapter title is anything to go by, it will reveal Caroline as a filthy traitor. I would like nothing more than for Maxwell to kill her off, but there’s a problem. He stuck his dick in her. If I know my Marty Stu tropes, that means she’s eligible for redemption. Here’s hoping I’m wrong. Enjoy.


Chapter 31: Betrayal

After the talk with the living conversation, Max and Garnet meet up with the others to talk about their findings. Unfortunately it seems all leads to the hideout are covered.

"How do they know we're here? We don't even know if we're in the right place!" Pearl said in confusion.

And yet you seem confident that the White Claws are in this place in order to know that you are here.

"It's as if they are watching us from afar. Shot in the dark, maybe they have trained birds watching us?" Max guessed.

"But we haven't seen any birds, gem monsters, or humans. It's almost as if everything is avoiding us." Amethyst points out.

You mean the thing wild animals and criminals on the run would do? How surprising!

While those three continue to talk, Garnet looks to see Steven deep in thought while looking at the forest.

"Any thoughts on our predicament Steven?"

"Well...I remember when Max and I first found their base, it was completely invisible. So if they can make a building invisible...could they be invisible too?"

Could we maybe establish how they make things invisible in the first place?

Everyone's eyes widened at that and they drew their weapons.

"How could we not see it...we weren't hunting for them, the White Claws were playing us." Just as Max said that, a small ball rolled between them. Everything after that was a blur as everyone was taken out, the flash bang doing its job.

Unless the White Claws invented magical flashbangs, I’ll have a hard time believing this wasn’t just the author having no idea of how to proceed with the plot. Both are lazy writing, but at least one has the excuse of making sense.

Max slowly wakes up, his head hurting. He goes to rub it, but finds he is bound and strapped to a table. He struggles in vain, attempting to turn to smoke to escape but a powerful shock goes through his obsidian arm if he tries. "What's going on!? Show yourselves you cowards!" He yells challengingly.

The lights flicker on to reveal a skinny, sickly looking old man, a cane in hand and bald wrinkly face. Yet despite his sickly appearance, his seemed more than happy to be in front of him. "So you're finally awake, Mr. Ignitus."


I’ve honestly lost faith in the author’s ability to be original at this point. Not that I had a lot of it to lose, but you get my meaning. Also, of course the White Claws now have a special interest in Maxwell. We couldn’t have this story pretend to be about other things than the Marty Stu, after all.

"Am I right to presume you're the new leader of the White Claws?"

"In a way you can say I've always been the leader. The fool you beaten was more of an icon to the people, but I was the one with the real brains."

“I’m the only one who figured out that eating cyanide pills kills you. Can you believe it?!”

"So you're the one who conducted the awful experiments, created those invisibility contraptions."

"And don't forget finding the key to immortality." Just as he says that, a soldier comes over and bring a strange looking pill, almost familiar even. Before he can really examine it though, the old man grab the pill and swallows it, his body already looking healthier and stronger.

Did he really just wait with taking the immortality pill, just so he could rub Max’s nose in it for no reason?


"Oh really? Your gem friends seem to have immortality already. Never really aging, just staying young as they continue their fruitless quests to protect the world."

"Shut up! They have done a better job protecting the Earth than you or your awful gang."

All of which they did without you, Max. And yet they’re completely dependent on you. Why is that?

"I'm not gonna waste my breath trying to convince you to join, you've been a thorn in our operations for too long." As he says that, he points to a soldier, who nods and pulls a lever, sending a powerful continuous shock to Max, making him scream from the pain.

"Wait!" From the darkness Caroline runs out.

Tell her to go back, I was about to savor the moment.

"Shut it off now Arthur!"

"Oh what is it now?" The old man, presumably named Arthur waves his hand and the shocking stops, leaving Max panting heavily.

"You said if I brought him here, you wouldn't kill him. That was our deal!"

What happened to that honorable suicide cult we all know and love?

"C-Caroline? What are you talking about?" Max asked weakly.

"So you haven't told him yet." Arthur chuckles darkly as Caroline attempted to explain.

"I-I didn't think this would happen. You said you would take the gems, and let me and Max go."

And miss an opportunity to be needlessly evil? What story do you think you’re in?!


"...I am a part of the White Claws. When you left, I thought to myself, 'What do I plan to do for my future?' I only thought of us together. Then I was assigned on a mission with other soldiers to stop a terrorist group, who I now know were White Claw members. We were strong enough, my whole crew was slaughtered except for me. They saw potential in me. I was subjected to so many experiments, made stronger, faster, immortal. Once I showed loyalty they told me all about the gems. I was so determined to fight them...but then I learned you were with them. How you killed the king by fusing with Steven. They wanted you dead but I convinced them if we just kill Steven and he gems then you won't fight us anymore. We can run away together and start over!"

She looked at Max, but only saw contempt in his eyes.


Why must every bone a fanfic throws me be served with a side of vinegar? Let’s focus on the good parts of what just happened. Caroline is a traitor. Not only to Maxwell and the gems, but to the marines which she belongs. She has exposed herself as the debase and immoral creature I knew and despised her for being. Good. She can now be dismissed from the story via either murder or banishment, and her existence will have as much of an impact as every other one of Max’s ex-girlfriends – which is absolutely none, and I’ll be surprised if even Steven mentions her afterwards. She’ll have served her purpose as a narrative tool for Maxwell to suffer even more at the behest of his ruinous love life. Because that’s all she’s done here, which brings me to the bad parts.

Caroline has been absolutely useless to the White Claws. Given that the gems did indeed keep her under surveillance, she shouldn’t have been able to leak information back to the White Claws, and in fact it was exploding uniforms discarded at sea that somehow lead Max and the others directly into the clutches of the White Claws. Caroline contributed nothing in that regard, never even suggesting an action that would expose the group to attacks. All she did was phone in to initiate a plan of attack that was presumably already underway given the presence of invisible White Claws members on the island. She did nothing. She might as well not even have existed, and Maxwell would still have ended up here.

Now, with the entire invalidation of Caroline’s relevancy to the story out of the way, let’s go over the dumb parts. Firstly, Caroline was made immortal by the White Claws rather than the military, and while that fixes some of my gripes about her science bullshit in her introductory chapter, it makes this entire scene even more ridiculous. She was made immortal thirty years ago. This means that the brains of the White Claws, “Pill Popper” Arthur, waited thirty years to use a readily available cure for being an old, wrinkly, bald bastard, just so he could play the part of a Bond villain in front of an enemy he’s only known for weeks. Secondly, how utterly moronic is Caroline to decide that killing all of Maxwell’s friends is somehow a good plan to get back together with him, when she could easily have switched sides – defecting from the terrorist group that has used her as a guinea pig for decades. She even knew that Maxwell defeated the White Claws leader effortlessly. But the author never bothered to consider her as an actual character, who presumably joined the military to serve her country, and thus would have other motivations than connecting naughty bits with his skin-suit avatar. Everything that involves Caronline in this story has been for one purpose only – to titillate the author by establishing his Marty Stu a sexually active and accomplished lover. And now she’s going to be discarded like the wad of tissue the author sacrificed in her honor.

Arthur put a hand on her shoulder and chuckled. "Don't you see? He is too corrupted by the gems, he would rather die than side with humans."

"Oh please, all the drugs in your system, the modifications you have done… none of you are human anymore." Max spat out at them, struggling against the bonds. Caroline's eyes were full of sorrow, unsure of what to do.

Given her previous tactics of persuasion was to expose her breasts, I’m perfectly happy for her to remain unsure. I guess I should be thankful she doesn't have milk on her.

Arthur just pushed Caroline out of the way and smirked. "You're right, we are not human...we are gods." With that he gave a signal and some of the soldiers push certain buttons. Out of the ceiling comes a sharp looking guillotine. Max trikes to struggle out but his attempts were futile.

If only super strength actually counted for something.

The guillotine aligns itself at the midpoint of his arm, where the obsidian and flesh intersected. With one last push of the button by Arthur himself.

Time seemed to slow down, yet was fast all the same.

The author attempted to be clever, yet was stupid all the same.

Max's world seemed destroyed, the gems were probably locked up and being forced to suffer, Caroline betrayed them, and now… all he can do is scream as Obsidian was cut lean off of him. He looked at the fresh blood gushing out of his dismembered arm once again. One of the soldiers go to pick up the arm, but before Max could see what happens, he passes out.

So much for having established that whole “turning your body into light” power.

"...Ugh." Steven rubs his head as he gets up, only to find himself in a cell. "Hmm...Garnet? Amethyst? Pearl?...Max?" He calls out for anyone, only for a soldier to come and tell him to stay quiet.

"Where is my family!?"

"Kid, stay quiet. We haven't done anything...yet. Can't say the same for the punk with a black arm."

“Or is it a hand. I can never quite get it right for some reason.”

"What did you do to him!? Please don't hurt him!"

"Hehe, sorry kid, but I gotta follow orders. I got a family to feed."


"How would your family feel if they knew you were doing this, experimenting and hurting other living beings for your own gain?"

"...I sometimes ask that question myself...but in the end, what matters is that my family is healthy and safe, even if it means having to kill others."

"But you don't have to kill anyone, there is a better way to live! We can help! We can-"

Author, I know what you’re doing here, and I fully expect to be cringing by the time you’re done.

"Shut it...we don't have any other choice. The White Claws are what I was raised on. Gems are the enemies, we are the superior race to lead's all that matters."

"The gems were raised to think they were better than all races, but look at them now! Look at me! My main gave up her whole being just so I can be born. I may not be a human or a gem, I'm not sure what I am, but I know one thing. I am a Steven Universe, and my goal is to help the Crystal Gems protect Earth, help them learn more about humans, and give everyone a happy ending. It might seem childish to you but it's what I believe in. Life is hard and it won't get easy, but with friends and family by your side, you can face it together and do great things. The White Claws don't have to fight the gems, we can be friends and work together to make Earth even better, then maybe go out for pizzas."


"Yeah, thinking of the best case scenario."

"...but my family-"

"Your family loves you don't they? And you love them. Instead of living in this conflict, take them somewhere better, become a part of this world and really help. You don't have to be an iron fist, but a helping hand."


The reason all of this sounds childish is because the entire argument is childish. I’m thankful that you still have Steven try to solve problems with words, author, but his entire argument is nothing but a big “hurting people is bad, being nice is good” coupled with random guilt tripping, motivational tangents, and “let’s all just be friends”. I’m going to ignore the erroneous statement about gems being raised with supremacist views, because that one isn’t worth anyone’s time. Steven’s ability to be a voice of reason is much more than simple demand for moral decency.

Steven does his best to understand people’s motivations and reasons, offering a different perspective, and attempting to argue for the best solution. He could possibly reason with this random guard by appealing to his love for his family, but Steven wouldn’t do it with a superficial guilt trip and a boast about himself. He would help the man, be it to realize the folly of blind adherence to authority, the value of family, or the error of considering one sapient species as superior to another. But here’s the thing that is most damning about this entire scene. Steven wouldn’t do it within thirty seconds of meeting this man. What he’s trying to change is indoctrination, stuff that this guard has adhered to since childhood, stuff that he thinks is right and which goes against everything that Steven is advocating for. Similarly, Peridot was “raised” to follow Homeworld’s orders and to exploit Earth’s resources to further the gem empire. It took more than a month before her outlook shifted in any meaningful manner, to the point where she herself realized that she opposed what she once stood for. Change of this kind takes time. If Steven manages to convince this man with that third-rate speech, it will only make the guard less of a character for it.


Before Steven can try to persuade him anymore, a siren can be heard. The soldier arms himself and goes to check on the problem, while Steven waits in his cell, feeling worry in his gut...something dangerous was near.

Pearl wakes up and looks around to see Garnet and Amethyst were strapped to tables next to her. Speaking of which, she was strapped in too. Amethyst clearly struggled to shapeshift to get out, but seemed unable to. The same can be said for Garnet, whose strength seemed almost nullified.

I would have a much easier time believing all this, if it was, you know, believable – or at the very least explained.

A door can be heard opening and a few humans in white coats come in, along with a cart of many offputting tools.

"Hey! Let me out of here so I can kick your butts!" Amethyst cries out as she continued to struggle.

"Silence gem, you may want to save your voice for screaming as we carve out your gem." At that, all the gems were horrified.

Carve out her gem? From the body that disappears upon injury and leaves nothing but the gem? What mad science temp agency did they hire this guy from?!

Pearl put on a calm face despite her fear and looked at them head on. "Why are you doing this? Why are gems your enemies? Rose Quartz fought your leader fairly, and before that we have never harmed a single human."

"It's more than that. Maybe our clan at first was rash, but the fact is, you claim to be protectors of Earth, when in reality, your race had only the intention of harvesting our planet." The scientists state calmly as they prepare the tool and put on their gloves.

A villain presenting a valid motivation for their actions? In this story?!

"That was the Diamonds. The Crystal gems rebelled in hopes of preserving earth and all life on it, wanting to let it thrive even if it meant having to fight our own kind." Garnet tried to explain.

"Maybe, but in the end you still looked down on us. You all thought you were some superior beings compared to us, that humans were just mindless animals. Almost like how we see puppies at a store."

And we’re right back to this being done all out of spite. As petty as this form of motivation is, at least it’s still something human. It could be made interesting to explore as an emotional theme, if only the author would bother.

"We're changing from that though...recently Rose Quartz fell in love with a human, it was something spectacular, even if I was envious of a human being with Rose. She gave up her physical form just so She can have a human child with the one she loved. That was Steven, the first ever human and gem hybrid. In the many years he's been with us, he has showed us that humans are so much more. He taught us how they are capable of growing strong and maybe even wiser than us in different ways. Then there was Max, a human who has seen the ugly side of humanity, the pain it is capable of inflicting. He showed us that humans and gems aren't so different. We both fight with our own kind, have these horrible turmoils of emotion, and make many bad decisions, but in the end try to do what's good even if it costs our lives or sanity. Maybe working together, we can be equals instead of trying to be better than the other."


When did Max show any of that? Ever since Max returned from his years of failed yet empowering self-discovery, he has been nothing but an unbridled nightmare. He solves every conflict with violence. He is insane and refuses to get help. He shows no consideration for others. He has all but rejected his own humanity in favor of being a gem. Maxwell has provided nothing positive to Steven or the gems, and most certainly hasn’t taught them anything they didn’t know already. Because that’s what Steven does. He gives the gems a connection to humanity – showing their worth as individuals with the ability to change and grow. Max has portrayed humanity as nothing but selfish, cruel, power hungry monsters, and that’s all by his own example!

The scientist only looked at Pearl, her speech making them think twice about their actions. Garnet and Amethyst look at Pearl proudly until a siren is heard.

"Sir! We are getting reports of...something attacking the base from the inside."

"But that's impossible, all the gems are captive."

With any luck, it’s Lion coming in to save the day, and not the obvious gem ex machina the author has conceived.

"I don't know what it is but we need to give medical attention because Doctor Arthur is heavily wounded."

"Alright, we can work on the gems later, we have a new mission. Everyone head out." The scientists nod before running out to survey the problem.

As Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven listen to the sounds of gunfire and destruction, a certain smell wafts through the air and makes them cough. Steven's cell bars seem to dissolve into small puddles of magma, and the gems restraints are incinerated. Not questioning their freedom, they all run out and soon meet up with each other.

Because convenience makes the plot so much more streamlined and easy to write.

"Steven!" The gems all cried out happily as they hug him close.

"Guys! Are you all okay? Where's Max?"

"Huh? We thought he was with you."

Enjoy his absence while you can, guys. I’m betting he’s readying another asspull.

Their reunion was cut short as a huge explosion rocks the base. The look down a large hallway and see multiple soldiers trying to gun down something out of view, only for large smoky tendrils to smack them out of the way and incapacitate them. They gems summon their weapons as they go to follow the smoky being. Soon they come across a large room that looked like a battlefield now. Multiple White Claw soldiers are shooting at the target while some others are escorting Arthur out the the danger. The gems are shocked as they finally see the source of destruction. A giant being made of fiery smoke, lava, and obsidian that looked like forced combination of hundred of monsters, constantly shifting into many ferocious beasts or nightmarish figure. At the center though seemed to be a black transparent womanly figure with white eyes and long hair holding onto an incapacitated Maxwell, although without his obsidian arm.

" that?"

"Yes Steven, it's Obsidian herself. Somehow they were separated, allowing her corrupted form to take shape and attack." Garnet said informatively?"


It only took us two dozen chapters, but there she finally is. Obsidian, Maxwell’s guardian angel and source of all his powers – who is now more powerful than both she or Max has ever been, and she is easily fighting off people who, get this, specialize in hunting down corrupted gems. Because that makes total sense! Aside from that, I don’t know which is worse; the fact that Max has unleashed yet another violent entity from inside of himself, or that he might find a way to stick his dick in it.

"How do we stop it? She doesn't look like she's gonna listen to reason." Amethyst pointed out.

"Maybe if we can just get her somewhere safe, she'll stop and see nothing is attacking her or Max."

Whoever heard of trying to talk to someone, right?!

"So we have our mission. Gems, get the White Claw members out of here so Obsidian will feel safe." They nod as they dodge and evade any gunfire or wild attacks from Obsidian. Many of the White Claw were reluctant to do what the gems say, but thought it was better than being smashed to pieces by the corrupted gem. Soon all of the human were helped into the other room, leaving Obsidian to just rampage alone.

"I don't get it, no one is shooting at her, why is she still so mad?"

"Oh ho ho." A that laugh, Arthur taps his cane, revealing a button on it. He presses it and aims the cane at the gems, sending out an energy beam that binds the four. "Idiots, she wanted me dead, not just for the soldiers to cease fire."

You’re going to use your stasis field cane on the gems and not the rampaging Obsidian? Genius!

"What? Why?"

"Oh she's just angry because I 'disarmed' the boy. I was hoping to just take the obsidian and grind it up like the other gems, but she seemed to not take a liking to that. Oh well, we'll just have to escape and blow up the base with you all in it!"

What the fuck is the point of grinding up gems? Is the immortality pill made from a gem smoothie?!

"You narrow minded stupid old fart!"

"We have heard the reasons from the other humans, why are you so concerned with killing gems?"

"Why you ask? Because I know the human race is wea. The White Claw are to be the rulers of the world. We will dominate all of Earth and have it under our control. And we won't stop with Earth, but the entire universe!" He cackles madly into the air, thinking his victory was assured.

Cue death by hubris; check it off the list and move on to the next cliché.


Arthur's body drops, Caroline with a gun in her hand.

Oh, come on, do we really need to redeem this whore?!

"...The Earth isn't to be controlled…" She looks to the others and sighs. "Go to your families and homes, no longer are we White Claws...we are humans, trying to make the world better, but have done horrible things. We need to stop with these dumb ideals of superiority, and instead try to make ourselves and humanity better...and the gems are here to help." She looks to the gems and nods softly before leading everyone out."Tell Max… 'I hope to someday be a better friend.'" She runs out with the others and the gems look to each other before walking into the room.


That’s it?! Steven and Pearl says a bunch of non-impactful lines, Caroline cock blocks herself, and suddenly every White Claws member is going to turn over a new leaf with her as their leader? What fucking reality is this taking place in?! It would have been better if Obsidian turned into an actual volcano, blew up the base with everyone inside, and let Steven and the gems escape in a bubble – because this absolute nonsensical cop-out is the most lazy conflict resolution this author has pulled to date.

Obsidian seemed calmer, but still angry and untrusting. The team nodded as they approached her slowly, Steven taking out his guitar to bring a familiar tune.

If you're evil and you're an the rise

You can count on the four of us taking you down

Cause we're good and evil never beats us

We'll win the fight and then go out for pizzas

For all we know, Obsidian will take this as a challenge to a fight. Think of what the lyrics mean, author!

We are the Crystal Gems

We'll always save the day

And if you think we can't

We'll always find a way

That's why the people of this world believe in

Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, and Steven!

And now Max and Obsidian.

But not Caroline. I told you he wouldn’t even mention her.

As Steven ends his song Obsidian seems to be lulled into a calmer state, soon reverting back into her gem, but not before fusing with Max's arm yet again and becoming whole.

And here I hoped to get a reprise of their first meeting, only it would have counted as oral fisting.

Garnet carries the still sleeping human as the group heads back to Beach City for some well deserved rest.

Author's note: Hello, sorry for not updating lately, holiday season has made things a bit difficult to write, not to mention the differing weather here in California is driving me crazy. It's below 60 in the morning, then suddenly in the 90s. Hopefully with the Christmas season I'll be able to continue. Until then, I hope you all enjoy.

Given how the author acted around Halloween, I bet I know what’s coming next.


And thus another cartoonishly evil antagonist has been dealt with. While I’m happy to see Caroline gone, Obsidian’s new ability to manifest a body could now foreseeably be exploited to fill the void. If so, I hope at least Max will suffer dismemberment for the sake of consistency and my enjoyment.

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Re: The Human With a Gem

Post by GorillaGamer » Mon Aug 20, 2018 7:34 am

Caroline's betrayal and "redemption" were so predictable and tacked on, it could've been taken out of the chapter and nothing would've changed. Heck her damn character can be taken out with minimal damage to the story. Still though, having her be part gem most certainly explains why Max was addicted to her enhanced breasts.
Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
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Gorillagram only gets sexual stimulation from playing Pokemon Reborn and its derivatives.
A quote from Andrew himself

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Re: The Human With a Gem

Post by StabbyKobold » Mon Aug 27, 2018 8:09 am

@GorillaGamer: Agreed. Caroline wasn't just devoid of character, she was devoid of purpose. The author basically wanted to throw a pair of tits at his avatar, and thus extended the White Claws arc for just that purpose, only to have a zero sum payoff. At least she's gone now, and a word search doesn't even indicate her name to be mentioned from hereon out.

Ho, ho, horribly injected Christmas chapter, because the author was bankrupt for creativity. Enjoy.


Chapter 32: Tis the Season

*Warning, this scene contains religious connection. It is not necessary to read so you may skip it if you worry about getting offended, but it gives a small bit of insight to Maxwell.*

Maxwell already offends me, so I fail to see the point of warning me now.

Max walks through the large entrance and looks inside. Many decorations of the holiday spirit surround the ins and out of the church. Some individuals, pairs, and groups of people, sitting in the large rows of seats as they pray. Max walks over to look at a familiar scene. The birth of the Son of God, which paved the road to many religious ideals.

Such as to stone homosexuals and have women be subservient to men. Why are you injecting religion into this show of all things, author?

During Max's years of loneliness, he prayed to these holy figures in hopes that faith in another could give him strength. For around a decade or so it worked, but with time he grew apart from it, finding himself questioning not just his faith, but questioning why so many religions existed, why science deemed the world to have started with a bang, why people look to blame or praise a being or multiple beings for their failures and success.

I’m questioning the author’s point of writing this chapter.

"No, now is not the time. I didn't come to question...just to give my respects." He looks to see the different interpretations of the man in question. A baby of a virgin, a man who turned water to wine, a supposed criminal nailed to the cross. He closes his eyes and speaks quietly.

"I know I haven't spoken to you for quite some time, I do not regret leaving, but I do regret not explaining why...but you probably already know. I wonder if aliens were a part of your father's design, hehehe… Christmas is coming soon, so I just wanted to say 'Happy Birthday'... Please help the people who follow and believe in you, give them something to hold onto to as they walk down the harsh path of life, the same goes for the people who believe differently. I want to believe that those who do well stay on the path toward an eternity of happiness, and not on the path toward eternal pain and despair… goodbye and, good luck on the future."


Max, if you’re quite done paying lip service to the author’s chosen religion, by talking to a person that has yet to appear anywhere outside of his biography, maybe we could get on to the actual plot?

He opens his eyes and sighs softly before leaving the church.

*End of religious scene, apologies if this was offensive, but I warned you. And don't worry I won't make this canon. It's just like the Halloween one, just for fun.*

Fun, author? You had Maxwell somberly pray to Jesus – what part of that was fun? What part of it even mattered? You prefaced this part by stating it would give insight into Maxwell’s character, but what’s the point if you’re not going to make it canon? Speaking of your warning entry, what about this was offensive? We had spiritual doubts and non-committal prayer from a guy, who probably got into religion because of Alcoholics Anonymous, if we need it to fit into the Ignitus timeline. The fact that you think people would find this offensive, and not the multiple murders and deviant moral acts Maxwell has done throughout this story, is goddamn pitiful. I have many problems with religion in real life, but not its use in a story. If you need to defend your use of religion in fiction, it’s time to consider why you’re even including it.

With this done he walks back toward Beach City, intent on enjoying the season with his friends.

He can already see the holiday spirit as he took a step into the lively town. Funland with winter themed rides, decorations of red, green, and white adorning homes and buildings, all that was missing was-

The most overdone comedic punchline in any winter themed scene, ever.


Max looked toward the source of the voice only to get a face full of snow. It was always weird to him, that at some beaches snow can fall just like in any other place.

Are you sure you’ve travelled anywhere outside of the country, Max? You’ve literally described every beach outside of the tropics, you numbskull.

Max wipes the snow off his face to see Amethyst on her back and laughing hard.

"Real funny, how about this?" Max packs his own snowball and throws it above Amethyst.

"Pfft, you missed."

"Wasn't aiming for you."

Amethyst was confused until she looked up to see his snowball hit a tree branch covered in snow, making the cold powder collapse on top of the gem.

The scene now includes a tree. Care to clue us in what location we’re at, author? Because this is definitely not the beach.

"Don't mess with the best." Max yells out, only to run as fast as he can a second later as Amethyst used the snow on top of her to make a giant snowball and run after Max to throw it at him.

"What is so fun about throwing condensed ice crystals?" Peridot asks inquisitively inside the warm safety of the house with Garnet, Pearl, Lapis, and Steven.

Steven’s house faces the Atlantic, author! Nothing but sea and a flat stretch of sand. How is there suddenly a tree in the middle of the beach?!

"I never really understood it until I retaliated against Amethyst, it's like a mock battle that can't really harm anyone." Pearl explained as she gets a box of decorations ready, and Garnet sets down the big pine tree.

"Plus it's a nice way to distract Amethyst so she doesn't eat all of the cookie dough." Garnet said with her hands on her hips.

"OH you're right, I better quadruple check to see if it's still safe." Pearl quickly runs off to check, Peridot still watching with fascination as Max and Amethyst have snow war.

"Did you want to join Peridot?" Steven asks as he sits next to her, wearing the customary ugly sweater with a certain red nosed reindeer.


It’s maybe at this point, that I should highlight that Christmas isn’t a thing in Steven Universe. That includes Christianity and pretty much all other religions. Because, as I’ve mentioned before, having the Earth be invaded by aliens in the distant past and attempting to emulate current real world cultural traditions, as if it didn’t happen, doesn’t work. What little religious iconography we’ve seen in the show are all gem related. Every ancient ruin and temple on the planet has been constructed by gems. If there was such a thing as a bible in this world, I’m pretty sure it would say, that Jesus poofed on the cross before reforming three days later.

"Um…" She looks out again to see Max running in terror as Amethyst somehow made a cannon shooting huge snowballs at him. "No, I'd rather not be pelted with ice."

"It's not really ice, it's actually really fresh so it's soft. It only hurts if you throw it really hard. I can show you and Lapis how to have a snowball fight, for fun!"

"Hmm...what do you say Lapis?" She looks to see Lapis adorning a headband that has fake reindeer antlers.

You’re inviting the water bender to a fight, in which you weaponize frozen water? Seems a bit unfair to me.

"...why not, if Steven says it's safe, I'll take his word for it."

"Great! Let's just go somewhere so we're not caught in...that." He points outside to Amethyst now running away as Max now has a snowball minigun and laughing maniacally.

Please, anything but Max trying to be funny.

Steven leads the two gems out into a clearing with tons of fresh snow.

"Okay, before we do a snowball fight, let's understand snow, and this is the best way possible." He falls onto his back and moves his arms and legs up and down in the snow.

"What are you doing?"

"It's called making a snow angel, this way you can feel the snow, and make something nice." He gets up and shows how his movements created an imprint similar to an angel.

Or it looks like someone fell on their back and flailed around for ten seconds, then they invented an excuse for being clumsy.

"Interesting." Peridot looks at the snow questioningly before letting herself fall onto her face, and doing the actions similar to Steven.

"Uh, you usually do it on your back but this is okay too." Peridot comes back up and the trio look to see the bottom half is right, but the head is shaped like a triangle and has a small indention that looks like her face.

I’ll have you know Peridot is very accomplished at making meepmorps, she does not deserve this form of criticism.

"Haha! I have found the secrets of this snow!" She does a small victory dance as Lapis goes to do her own angel, but doesn't move as she lays down.

"Are you okay Lapis?"

"Steven, is this snow...water?"

"Sort of, it's like rain but the coldness make it freeze a little so it's not ice, but halfway there."

"Hmm." Lapis reenacts the actions Steven and Peridot did, but once she got up, she focused on the snow and made the snow angel literally fly.

How do you make an indentation, an absence of snow, fly?

"WOW! You can control snow too?" Steven looks to Lapis but sees a strained look on her face before she drops the angel.

"Sorry Steven, it's different from water so it's kinda hard to control."

Author, did you miss the part where Malachite was throwing icicles around and trapping Alexandrite in ice? I don’t think those powers came from Jasper’s side of the fusion.

"That's okay, that was so cool!"

"I will admit Lapis, while it doesn't have the artistic touch like mine, your flying snow was extremely impressive."

"Okay, not that we have a better understanding of snow, now it's time for a snowball fight. But this doesn't have to be so intense, we can take it slow and have fun."

"Of course Steven. Lazuli, think fast!" Peridot grabs a clump of snow and tries to throw it at Lapis, only for the snow to gently scatter onto the ground.

"I think you need more practice." Lapis said with a small smirk.

Don’t worry, Peridot, it happens to everyone on their first time.

"Peridot you can't just throw the snow, you gotta make it into ball." Steven demonstrates as he gets some of the snow and packs it together into a ball.

"Oh it makes sense, the ball form makes it able to withstand being thrown, you can aim it more accurately, and it would give a stronger impact."

"Yeah like this." Lapis scoops up some snow, makes it into a ball and drops it onto Peridot's head.

Peridot gasps dramatically. "How could you Lapis? I thought we were friends!" She giggles a little, signifying that she's joking.

Honestly, I’m just happy Max isn’t here to make this harmless if completely unimportant scene insufferable.

"There are no friends in a snowball fight." Lapis said, quoting Percy in Camp Pining Hearts when the camp members were having a pie fight. Peridot laughs happily before gently pushing Lapis and running off behind a tree for cover. The three began to have quite the snowball fight, having fun as they battle it out with the white powder. After so much jolly fun, they head back to the temple, Steven enjoying a nice cup of cocoa Garnet made in advance, so it wasn't too hot, just perfectly warm.

I spoke too soon. This might as well be Maxwell’s house, because where else does he live?

"Amethyst! Get away from there!"

"I love cookie dough as much as the next person, but you can't eat it yet!" From the sound of it Max and Amethyst were back inside, but the war continues as Pearl and Max team up to try and keep her away from the cookie dough.

"Come on! I'm hungry!"

"You don't need to eat!"

You don’t need to have sex, Max, yet Caroline happened. I think Amethyst is entitled to a craving.

Max takes some star shaped cookie cutters, using them as throwing stars as he threw them at Amethyst, only for her for jump out of the way and body slam him.

"Gah! Get your big butt off me!"

"Funny, most people like it when I'm on top of them."

"No innuendos!" Max yells with a blush.

She’s a wrestler, Max. You’re the one making this inappropriate.

Pearl huffs as she quickly puts Amethyst in a bubble.

"Oh come on!"

"You try to eat the cookies, you get put in the bubble of shame."

"Since when was it called the bubble of shame?"

"Since now." Pearl smirks as she brings a bubbled Amethyst back to the main room.

Steven escaped from Garnet’s bubble with nothing but his bare hands, author. They’re not exactly great methods of containment.

"Well, now with that fiasco over, how is everyone enjoying winter so far?" He looks around the room, Steven, Peridot, and Lapis exhausted but smiling, Pearl slightly frazzled after the earlier battle of the cookies but overall happy, Amethyst a little pouty but everyone knew she was having fun, as for Garnet...she was under a mistletoe for herself, and gives a thumbs up.

"From what I'm seeing now, I don't think things could get any better."

I know of one way you could improve it, Max. Leave.

Just as he says that, Greg and Connie burst in, Greg dressed like a certain jolly man in red, and Connie wearing her own ugly sweater with snowflake patterns on it.

"Ho ho ho!"

"Dad! I mean, Santa, Connie!" Steven goes to give them both his patented, Steven hug.

"And things got better."


More characters who are not Max does in fact dilute the concentration of Marty Stu in the room. I’d still prefer to simply remove the bad apple instead of letting it spoil the bunch, though.

"Hey there Stewball, I thought I'd come and give my favorite son the ol Season's Greetings, and ran into Connie along the way."

"Happy Holidays Steven!" Connie said with a smile. With the humans now joining the warm get together, Pearl decided now was about time to get the cookies ready. Amethyst was visibly drooling as she saw Pearl get the goodies ready, Max keeping a close eye.

Why don’t you just have Amethyst shapeshift into a dead horse, so you can beat her some more?

Garnet smirks as she starts setting her own little plan in action. Getting the mistletoe with ease, she hangs it above Steven and whoever he was next to, letting the little cutie pie give loving pecks on the cheek to Connie, Peridot, Lapis, Pearl, Amethyst(who was allowed to get out of the bubble as long as Max kept watch), and herself. To say all the reactions were adorable was an understatement, and Max got it all on video.

You stash cameras in your ass-pull cloak as well, Max?

"Smile for the camera everyone, hehehe." Max said in a teasing voice, only for Garnet to put the mistletoe over him and give him a swift kiss, making him blush until his face looked redder than a ruby, with Peridot getting vengeance as she used her power over metal and tech to make the camcorder record his expression.

Once everyone had their fun teasing each other, Pearl came with a tray of freshly baked, star shaped cookies.

Not that I don’t want all of these characters to have a nice time, but couldn’t we have, like, a corrupted gem show up, so readers don’t fall asleep; myself included?

"Now now, don't crowd. I did some math and there are 16 cookies, I thought it would be fair if everyone got two cookies each. I personally won't eat any so that leaves just enough for everyone else." She happily handed out the war treats to everyone to enjoy. Amethyst was a little disappointed with only two cookies, but Max decided to give her one of his as an apology for watching over her like a prison guard.

I’m not sure what I should find most annoying – that the author can’t let this joke go, or that he thinks Peridot and Lapis eat food.

As it began to get darker outside, everyone began to huddle together and sing carols together, the atmosphere filled with joy and warmth. Connie soon left to go and join her family for their own night of merriment. Greg accidentally fell asleep after one too many bottles of eggnog. Soon Steven was getting sleepy too, the group happily tucking him in bed so he can rest.

Since you didn’t mention that with Greg, I’ll assume you left him passed out on the floor.

As time went on everyone went to their separate rooms, soon with just Max looking out the window as snow gently drifted down. He lied down to rest his mind, feeling genuinely happy for having such a wondrous day with his new family. He knew life would throw new things at him, to make him struggle, but it was times like these that made it all worth it. With heavy eyelids closing shut, he fell asleep.

Do you even pretend to be anything but a freeloader living out of Steven’s house, Max?

Author's Note: I want to apologize again for my lack of content. This started out as something to do for fun, but I just feel my ideas dwindling for it. I'm not saying this is the end, but it may be some time before I continue it.

There is nothing wrong with stopping, author. By all means, end my misery before it becomes yours as well.

I hope you all managed to enjoy my story, and have a wonderful time. If you wanna see something new I've been working on, it's called Burning Will, an original story of mine on the website FictionPress. Maybe you'll enjoy it, maybe you won't, just thought I'd tell you all. Thanks again, and see you all later.

The summary for Burning Will describes the story to be about a young man, who, after having been tortured by his father and isolated by his peers, runs away to a different world with magic, spirits, and whatnot, where he has to “master the arts, and beat demons that hunt him”. You couldn’t even deviate from the very premise, huh author?


With that bit of coal in our stocking out of the way, what will the next chapter bring us, I wonder. Will a new and even more laughably evil villain appear? Will Maxwell inexplicably get a new super power again? Will the plot take a backseat to pointless meandering and misguided attempts at profoundness? If it’s not one of those three, I don’t think the author would be writing the same story.

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Re: The Human With a Gem

Post by StabbyKobold » Mon Sep 03, 2018 8:26 am

Pointless meandering ahead, as if anything else could have been expected. Enjoy.


Chapter 33: Portraits

The White Claws defeated, the Crystal Gems reunited, and Max and Obsidian back together as one. Time for a well deserved break.

When has anyone done anything that made them deserving of something? Steven and the gems are practically bystanders in this story, and Maxwell was unconscious for the plot resolution. We’ve seen no active effort from any of them since Maximum Quartz.

Once Maxwell was back on his feet, he and the gems decided to keep things at a calmer pace, thinking they had enough fighting and explosions for the month. Of course that didn't exclude going on rides in Funland.

"I said I'm not a fan of rollercoasters!" Max protested as he was carried by Amethyst and put into a seat, Steven excitedly getting in the seat behind him.

Save a seat for me, I want to experience Maxwell’s misery firsthand.

"Dude relax, if you can handle life threatening danger, I'm sure you can handle a little roller coaster." Amethyst said as she sat next to him and strapped him into the seat, no matter how he protested.

"Do you know how many people have died on roller coasters?!"

Less than the amount of whiny bitches getting on them. Guess which category you fit into, Max.

"No, but even if we do, we can just reform."

"That's besides the point! I'm telling you that- oh no we're moving."

Mr. Smiley turns a lever and the roller coaster begins to move, slowly climbing up the intimidating or fun ramp, depending on your personal perspective.

From my perspective, it is the means of elevating yourself to achieve great thrills and personal excitement. Or is that the author’s perspective of this story?

"The best part is when you have your hands in the air." Steven said joyfully as he raises his arms.

"See? If Steven can handle it, you can too."

"That boy has gone through emotional trauma far worse than 90% of the people on this planet and keeps smiling, that's different from me!"

"Didn't you go through some tough stuff too?"

"Entirely different! Wait why have we stopped?"


Max, your own depression drove you to attempting suicide, and that was before fifty years of failed romantic trysts that either ended in rape, violence, drinking problems, or murder – not to mention before any of your childhood torture and psychotic killings played an impact. For as much genuine trauma that Steven has gone through, it can’t hold a candle to the laughably ridiculous cavalcade of tragedy and bleak pitifulness that is your existence. Either start acting like a person who went through all that, or shut the fuck up.

He stops his arguing and looks forward, seeing nothing but the sky and a passing seagull. He looks down to see the impending drop. Max hasn't done this in years but he uses his fingers to draw a cross on his chest before they all drop.

"AAAAAHH!" Max screams out in terror as they ride truly begins, going down at high speeds, going through loops, and many other ramps. Behind him were Steven and others screaming with joy as they seem to go through a tunnel. Several flashes of light occur in the cave as the roller coaster finally comes to an end.


Embellishing a bit much, author? The teacup ride is more intimidating. You could have explained this off as it being a new addition to Funland, but then I’d just be bitching about how a wooden pier could support thousands of tons of metal girders. Not every amusement park is a Six Flags, author.

"Dude, I know I'm irresistible but…" Amethyst smirks as Max was clinging onto her with a terrified expression. He blushes slightly and removes his hands from her body, unbuckling himself as he gets out of the ride on shaky legs.

"That was so much fun!" Steven yells out as he gets off the ride and runs excitedly, the adrenaline still pumping within him.

"See, it wasn't so bad." Amethyst pats Max's shoulder, only for him to fall face first onto the ground. "Okay now you're just being a drama queen."

Not just now, Amethyst – his whole life. He’s not just a drama queen, he’s a drama royal flush.

"I'll have you know, there is nothing wrong with being a little expressive."

"Oh yeah, just like your photo." She points over her shoulder to the screen showing the pictures that were taken in the cave to show everyone's expressions, including Max's terror filled face.

"Can I get that with a frame?" Steven asks, thinking it was funny.

"Bluh!" Max yells out, flailing his arms.

This is our plot this chapter? Max being a wimpy buffoon? I’m fine with that.

He decides to go and find something less likely to give him a heart attack, looking over to see a skinny man doing portraits for people. His current customer appeared to be Nanefua Pizza, sitting still as the man works. Once he finishes, he proudly shows the portrait to her, only for her to frown.

"What kind of portrait is this? It looks nothing like me!" She shows off the portrait, which seemed far too wrong. Her wrinkles were incredibly droopy, she had big teeth, and her eyes were crossed, all around looking pretty messy.

We ragging on street artists doing caricature drawings now? I think the author is missing the point.

"Enough! If this dumb town cannot appreciate true art, then I will take my talents and leave!" He huffs and walks off haughtily.

"Where was your talent in the first place?" Nanefua said angrily before walking away.

Predicting your future breakaway from, author?

"Well, he wasn't too good of an artist anyways, but now I got no one to draw face portraits." Mr. Smiley said, seeming to struggle with keeping his grin. Steven overheard this and rushed over, almost tripping over but smiling up at him.

"I know! I can do the face portraits, or at least find someone to do it."

"Well, it's not like I got any other choice. Okay Steven, if you can find someone by tomorrow to do good face portraits, they got the job.

“Just don’t tell them they will get paid their salary in arcade tokens.”

"You can count on me!" Steven salutes before beginning to run home. Max only chuckles and follows along with Steven, interested to see where he was going with this.

Once back at the temple, Max looks to see Steven putting up a chair, getting some crayons and paper, and beginning to try and draw the currently sleeping Lion's face.

"Uh Steven, I'm pretty sure you gotta do human faces."

And if one of the gems want a portrait, then what?

"True, but if I can do a lion's face, then a human one should be easy right?"

"I don't know how you came across that logic, but let's see what you got."

Steven shows his finished work of Lion. It looked relatively good, definitely better than the artist back at Funland, but it still seemed slightly messy and probably wouldn't be considered a proper portrait.

"I mean, it's better than that stuck up guy, and way better than what I could do." Max said truthfully.

You’re worse than a fourteen-year-old with a box of crayons? You should have used some of that backstory allowance on some drawing classes, Max.

"You know, I've never seen you draw, maybe you can show me what you can do!"

"No no no, I'm not good at drawing, let alone portraits. I can't even draw a stick figure correctly." He shudders as he remembered his early drawings when he younger.

Finger painting with his family’s blood, no doubt.

"Oh come on, pleeeeease?" Steven asks with puppy dog eyes.

"Ugh, you're too good at that. Fine, hand me some paper and a pencil, I'll try to do your face."

"Woohoo!" Steven gives Max the needed supplies before sitting across him with a smile. Max felt his right hand twitch lightly, the obsidian fingers taking the pencil and gliding along the paper effortlessly. Max felt a small connection with the gem again, his eyes looking over every detail of Steven's face and hair, then the hand jotting down every last feature. In just a couple of minutes he finishes.

"Well? Come on let me see!" Steven says excitedly. Max looks at the paper stunned before lifting it up, the looking almost exactly like Steven's smiling face, just black and white from using only a pencil. "Wow! It's like looking in a mirror. How did you do that?"

Gem Xerox powers? Really?! Obsidian is just Max’s Swiss army knife of powers at this point.

"I-I didn't at least not by myself. It was like Obsidian was copying everything my eyes were seeing and my brain remembered." Max looks at his hand in surprise before taking a new paper and beginning to draw. "Hey can you get the gems? I wanna show this to them!"

"You got it!" He hurries over to get the others with the portrait in hand. A few minutes later he comes back with Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, seeing a slightly tired Maxwell resting his hand.

Tired, Max? I thought you would have a lot of practice moving your hand back and forth in front of yourself.

"Great you're all here! Check this out!" He gets his newest pieces of work and reveals them fully to the gems. "I just thought since I found out I had this ability, I might as well give you all a gift considering all the trouble we've been through." The pictures were revealed to be full body drawings of each of the gems. First was one of Pearl in a meadow with her lance in hand as she looks up at a pinkish sky, with petals billowing in the wind. Second was one of Garnet, her hands together making a heart, a sweet smile on her face, and a mixture of blue and red colors dancing around her, colliding into a color matching her gem. Last but not least was Amethyst sitting on the boardwalk during a beautiful sunny day with ice cream in hand and winking at the viewer.

Author's note: Understand that I made these images off the top of my head, I apologize if this was something an artist actually made or seems incredibly similar.

You apologize for possibly replicating fanart, when your Marty Stu makes literal fanart, but not when you blatantly steal jokes and rip off action movies? It’s fine that you do, author, I’m just confused that you find it necessary.

The gems looked at the portraits astounded, Pearl on the verge of happy tears, Garnet smiling softly, and Amethyst admiring herself.

"These are beautiful Maxwell, I had no idea you had the ability to do this." Pearl exclaims as she holds onto the drawing.

"Well I didn't do it on my own. Steven was the one who encouraged me to try, and Obsidian was able to make whatever I saw in my head come to life."

"It is still impressive nonetheless, I hope you will make good use of this new skill." Garnet says as she looks over the drawing more.

Given how he’s been abusing every other super power he has, I’m sure he can find a way to disappoint you, Garnet.

"That's right! Now you can do the portraits for Mr. Smiley!" Steven realized in excitement.

"Well then I better get a good night's sleep, tomorrow I got some drawing to do." Max smiles as he twirls the pencil in his hand.

The next day Max and Steven set up the portrait booth, doing the portrait's for ten dollars for each person. An extra 5 if you wanted it in color.

For an additional ten dollars, they’d skip the entire process by snapping a polaroid.

"So new guy, let's see if you can do better than the stinker from yesterday." Nanefua says as she takes a seat and hands over 15 dollars. Max only smirks and Steven gives a nod, signaling him to start. Soon enough Max finishes the portrait and reveals it for all of the Funland customers to see. "Oh my, I look so young in this! Money well spent." The elderly yet spunky woman takes the portrait smiling, going off to show it to others. People began lining up, everyone wanting to have a portrait of their own. Max cracks his knuckles as he gets to work, Steven rushing to get supplies and sharpen pencils, not to mention some food to keep up his energy.

Exciting drawing action! Thrilling carny activities! Pulse pounding money for goods and services exchange!

After many hours later, the last customer got their portrait and Max's hands were aching.

"Steven and Max! I cannot express how happy I am to see you two!" Mr. Smiley comes over, putting away the money. "With this cash, I can pay off the rebuilding for any broken rides and machines, maybe even hire more employees so I can rest." He gives a small cut of the money to Max and Steven before chuckling and carrying the heavy load of money.

This is why you read the small print on a contract, Max. If you had one at all.

"We made so many people happy today Max, imagine what you can do for the world with this art!"

"Whoa slow down Steven, I'm not gonna go worldwide with this. Fame does strange things to people, besides I'm pretty tired, my face must look like a mess."

Fame does strange things? Okay, Mr. Notorious-Vigilante-Psychotic-Killer-Military-Deserter-Superpowered-Hobo, if you say so!

"Face...hey! Why don't you do a self-portrait?"

"A self-portrait? You mean draw myself? I mean, it sounds like an interesting challenge."

"Great! I'll give you a mirror and you can draw yourself." Steven smiles wide as they head back to the temple, giving Max the necessary stuff to do a self-portrait. "I'm gonna go to bed, then it can be a big surprise for the morning."

What surprise? He’s practically photocopying whatever he sees. How’s it going to be a surprise what it looks like?

"Alrighty, goodnight Steven." Max chuckles softly as he sees the sleepy boy head to bed. He looks at the reflection of the mirror and the paper before grabbing his pencil and beginning.

Steven wakes up with an audible yawn before jumping out of bed to find Max.

"Max? Where are you?" He finds him nowhere in his bed or in the kitchen.

Are we to assume he has claimed the couch for himself all this time? He really is a freeloader.

"Maybe he got a head start on doing portraits at Funland." He heads off to said amusement park to the portrait booth.

"Alright Max, lets get started."

"Uh kid, wrong person."

"Huh?" He looks to see instead of Maxwell in the booth, it was Sour Cream and Onion's mom, not to mention friend of Amethyst, Vidalia. She seemed to be painting up portraits for customers instead, everyone still seeming to be delighted with the results.

"Yeah, I saw some of that guy's work. He's pretty good, but he came to me last night and asked me to take over the booth. I couldn't say no to the chance to get out of the house and get paid for painting random people."

One day on the job, and he foists it on someone else? As if I had expected better work ethics from him.

"Oh well, do you know where he is? He was doing a self portrait last night before I went to bed, and I couldn't find him this morning."

"I doubt he would leave a friend like you, he's probably just out for a walk or something, you'll find him soon enough." She ruffles his hair and gets back to working on the portraits.

Steven makes his way back to the temple, and find Max eating some cereal with tired eyes.

I prefer mine with marshmallows, but to each their own.

"Oh hey Steven, sorry I was out getting some fresh air."

"That's okay but, why did you stop doing the portraits."

"One, we don't need the money, and two, I think I exhausted my drawing abilities. When I tried to do the self portrait, my drawing was horrible again. In a panic I tried to look for someone else to do the portraits, and found Vidalia doing a late night painting of the sky, so I asked her to do it. She's got more passion for art than I ever did, she'll be doing much better."

Steven doesn’t need money, no, but you should be paying fucking rent, Max. Going to Vidalia in the middle of the night to dump your job on her seems like a douchy move, too.

"I see, a shame your drawing skills are gone, I was hoping you can draw one of my dreams last night. I saw Cookie Cat and Dogcopter fighting, but it didn't make sense because they're both good and-" Steven goes off explaining his dream, Max listening as best as he can as he continues to eat, trying to forget last night.

"This is me…" He looks at the finished drawing, anger surging through him before he rips it up entirely. He pants softly, and clutches his head, trying to calm down. He feels Obsidian try to soothe him, but he knew the picture would haunt him. It didn't matter if he looked into a mirror, how he saw himself wouldn't be changing for quite some time.


This blatant emo dreck won’t have any impact on the reader, unless they are actually told what the drawing looks like, author. I’m sure you’ve got it all in your head already, but the only things that seem to come out of it are masturbatory power fantasies and tortured pity begging. Moreover, Max once more has problems, and despite his by now established friendship with the rest of the cast, he keeps it all to himself. Stop having your Marty Stu wallow in his own misery at every opportunity; let Steven and the gems fucking help him!

"And, are you listening to me?"

"Huh? Oh yeah Steven, sorry I didn't get much sleep last night.

"That's okay, I'll tell you later." He pats Max's shoulder before going to make his own breakfast. Max sighs as he finishes his cereal, but his eyes glance to see a piece of paper he forgot to throw away after ripping up the drawing. He makes sure not to look suspicious as he picks it up and and opens up the trash can before throwing it away, wanting to leave it as a forgotten memory.

For a guy with fire powers, he certainly finds the worst ways to dispose of evidence.


This chapter did nothing aside from adding another power to Maxwell’s ever expanding ability-pool. It’s clearly a one-off use thing that will never be used again, but you could practically say that about everything else in his repertoire. I can’t recall a single time Maxwell has used the same super power twice; it’s always something new the author decides to pull from his ass. I guess the only way he can maintain interest in his own work is through novelty.

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Re: The Human With a Gem

Post by StabbyKobold » Mon Sep 10, 2018 11:37 am

I wish I could tell you we were getting a new villain in this chapter. I really wish I could. We should be, given what Max ends up doing. But nope. Enjoy.


Chapter 34: Corruption Vs Perfection

A calm lifestyle seemed to have been settling in for Beach City, but even during peace Max knew he had to keep his training up if he wanted to stay proper ally of the gems.

Once his evil alter ego gets loose again, I’m sure the gems will appreciate his dedication to becoming stronger than he was before.

He gets on the beach and sighs, reaching into his cloak to take out his phone and set a track of inspirational training music and a timer. He focuses and burns the surrounding sand until he made tons of life size hardened statues of human like figures.

Fire, the miracle element! It incinerates villains, heals wounds, attracts moths, and builds sculptures right out of the ground! If you have a problem that fire can’t solve, you’re not using enough of it!

He raises his fists before rushing at the statues, bashing every one of them with his bare hands, leaving only a trail of rubble and dust behind behind before using his fire to make a ginormous stone figure, around 12 feet tall. He swiftly delivers as many powerful punches as he can, trying to destroy it as fast as he can. Cracks grow all over the recently created rock until Max gives one more powerful strike, obliterating it.

Congratulations, Max. You’ve scattered the beach with glassy rock shrapnel. You continue to be a detriment to the entire town.

He walks over to his phone and notices his time. He created and destroyed 30 stone figures, including the large one at the end. His best record was 40 seconds, but this time it took him 60 seconds.

"Damn, too slow, 20 seconds could mean the loss of a life depending on the situation."

One second, you dumbass! One second is enough for a life to be lost in combat. Twenty seconds lost on your previous record isn’t a minor setback – it’s a disaster. Considering you went up against humans with guns last time, in twenty seconds a gunman could empty an entire rifle magazine, reload, and empty another one with time to spare. Unless you’re planning on preventing death by strangulation, you need to up your hero game, Max.

After a day of training and cleaning up leftover rubble, Maxwell makes his way back into the temple to rest, yet to his surprise sees Lapis and Peridot there chatting with Steven.

"Oh hey Max! Look who came over to visit!" Steven said with a wide smile, his attitude always putting everyone at ease.

"I see, looks like the barn mates came over for a visit."

"If you must know, our home is looking particularly amazing, even with our field of organics." Peridot smugly said, Max only chuckling and rolling his eyes.

Author, you are aware that a punchline needs to have a setup in order to be funny, right? Or is Peridot throwing shade at Maxwell for being an eyesore organic at the temple. Because that would be hilarious.

"I gotta agree with Peridot, while it's not a living army or anything, it does give a nice view." Lapis quips. Max still had a small uneasy feeling around her, but it was barely noticeable by this point in time.

Which is totally why he would notice it now, of course.

"This is so great! You two have become such good friends, time really passed ever since our first meetings." Steven says as he begins to reminisce, only for the three to scowl and leave Max in confusion.

"What's wrong? Did you all not get along well at first?"

"Yeah, you weren't here for that, lot of things I'd like to leave in the past." Lapis said as she seems to be trying to block away memories, a feeling Max knew all too well.

"Wait, Max how did you miss the news of the whole ocean being gone?" Steven didn't want to remind Lapis of the incident, but it confused him how Max apparently lived for 70 years and didn't hear of it.

Depending on what the author intends with Lapis’ behavior, this is either the second or the third non sequitur the author is pulling. Dialog doesn’t just jump topics without reason, author!

"Oh that thing? I mean I heard snippets, people blaming it as a gravitational phenomena, but I was kinda busy more mainland in Asia, looking for some...people who went into hiding. Probably best if I don't go into detail. Anyways, you mean Lapis was behind that?"

Max, the only reason I’m not asking you about your Vietnam murder trip is because it would only complicate your timeline further, and I don’t fucking care.

"Yeah that was me, trying to get back to Homeworld. What a plan that was." She says sarcastically, taking a couch pillow and putting it on her face.

"Impressive, all that water should have been enough to make it past the moon, but a whole society unknown to mankind is way farther than that."

The White Claws seemed rather well-informed, contrary to what you’re implying.

"That lead to our meeting, then going to Earth, much crying, singing, emotions and drama later, that brings us to now." Peridot sums up.

"Wow I sure missed a lot, I knew I should have come back here a decade sooner, but then again I probably wouldn't have been as strong as I was when I first fought the gems...although I got weaker now."

Should we assume it was because of your recent dismemberment and reattachment of your power source, or will you not bother to provide a reason other than the plot demands it?

"You...fought the three of them?" Lapis asked curiously.

"Well, it was a few one on one on two I guess for Garnet, doing math with her as a factor is so confusing. Long story short, I was able to prove my strength and join as an asset to the team."

They weren’t doing try-outs, Max. You demanded to fight them, ignoring their initial refusal. You only proved your own conceit.

"Interesting, I don't think anyone really put up a fight against them except for Lapis and Jas-" She cuts herself off by clamping a hand over her mouth, her eyes darting to Lapis.

"It's fine Peridot, I don't like talking about it, but it's still a part of our history now." Lapis said uncaringly.

Yeah, but who wants to spend time talking about their ex – oh hey, Max, I think we found a topic you have justification for discussing.

"Oh right, Steven told me there was another one. Jasper was it?" Max stated, not seeming to understand the issue.

"Yeah um, she did, bad things." Steven said solemnly, remembering his experiences with her.

"But you beat her until she carved her own undoing, fusing with a...corrupted gem." He looks to his arm and then to Steven. By all accounts him and his gem were fine, yet why did it affect Jasper?

Why would gem corruption affect another gem during fusion, but not a human? Are you kidding me?! And by all accounts, Obsidian is still corrupted and you are anything but fine, Max.

"Serves her right, then I heroically used my powers to best her." Peridot perked up with a proud smile on her face.

"Very strange considering my gem is corrupted, and I fused with Steven." Max said nonchalantly, looking at how all of their expressions changed to surprise.

"That's right, I keep forgetting. You said my mom and the others were fighting a corrupted gem, but it went into you, and turned out to be Obsidian." Steven taps his chin thoughtfully.

This seems like something that should have been discussed a long time ago. Like, just after it happened, actually.

"Yeah, my best guess is that our human halves served as a barrier, keeping the corruption from spreading into your gem." Max eyes his gem arm, curious as to the properties of corruption.

Remember to wear protection during fusion, people!

"Alright, how about enough of this stuff, before you came I wanted to offer Steven a chance to ride the tractor, and if he could help us with growing new stuff." Lapis smiles as she returns to the previous conversation. Steven of course jumps at the chance, but Max was off in his own little world by now. His corrupted gem is what gave him power, yet he still kept a sane mindset, albeit some may argue he wasn't sane due to his past.


Due to his past?! Try recent events! Max has a psychotic murderer as a split personality, and the only real thing that distinguishes the two is restraint. He is obsessed with furthering his own strength to the point where it escalates to self-harm. He has been raped, assaulted, emotionally abused, and he fetishizes milk. You can’t call the man’s sanity into question, when it can barely be defined!

He saw the glow of the warp pad as the three left, leaving Max alone since the Crystal Gems were out on their own mission.

With curiosity gnawing at his mind, he walked over to the door of the temple, seeing the five colors on it for each gem adorned on a star, Rose Quartz, Pearl, Ruby, Sapphire, and Amethyst. He put his hand up to the door, looking for any response. He willed himself to think of the room where the bubbled gems were kept, the lights flash weakly and the door opens, leading to the room.

"Just what are you capable of Obsidian…"

Bullshit. That’s what she’s capable off. You’d think the fact that the door is keyed to specific gems would prevent a gem unaffiliated with the Crystal Gems from accessing the temple. Corrupted gems more so, I’d imagine. The elevator keycard shanking made more sense.

He shakes his head and walks inside, looking at the multitude of collected gems and shards until one peaked his interest, an orange one. With care, he jumped up and grabbed the bubble, falling back down with it in his hands. Now with a closer look, he noticed strange green blemishes on the gem. He felt his inhibitions drain away as his hand makes the bubble dissipate, leaving the gem to fall directly into his obsidian hand.

What the fuck are you doing, Max? You’re releasing a prisoner, a corrupted gem at that, without telling anyone about it. Not only that, but this is Jasper. Perfect quartz soldier, stronger than any individual gem on your side, and intent on shattering the enemies of Homeworld. You’re essentially releasing the Bane to Garnet’s Batman. What the hell is your angle?

His hand gives off a strange black aura as it wraps around the gem, the green markings melting off the gem and into his hand. Maxwell lets out a sharp cry of pain as he feels Obsidian unconsciously drain any remnants of the corruption off of the orange gem, dropping it onto the ground during the intense process. Soon the pain melts away before turning into a hot sensation flowing through his body and flesh. The obsidian hand grows more along his arm, until his entire right arm was made of the hard material instead.

Because that’s how corruption works now, I guess. It has nothing to do with mental damage or have viral behavior, it’s just poison that needs to be drained. Whoop-de-fucking-do!

Max pants heavily as he sits on the ground, flexing the arm to get a better feeling of the transformation. He felt, stronger, more alive, as if he was back in top condition, possibly even stronger. A bright light shines in front of him, Max instinctively getting back up on his feet as he sees the gem take a physical form.

And it makes Max stronger, because of course it does! Wait, is this why he was doing worse during training? He was running low on corruption?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Once the light fades, Max smirks as he finally sees Jasper's form, similar to how Steven described her. A quartz warrior of an orange color, strong and fierce, wearing an outfit with a diamond insignia. With a startled look, the gem looks at Max.

"Who are you? Where am I? What...what happened to me?" She looks over her body, possibly for any signs of the corruption.

"My name is Maxwell Ignitus, a warrior that ascended the limits of a human. You are in the temple of the Crystal Gems, where you were bubbled until a cure was found for the corruption. As for what happened, when you fused with a corrupted gem, the infection spread to you. With some help I managed to remove the affliction from you."


You did, Max. You sure did. You removed the corruption from enemy number one of the Crystal Gems, allowed her to reform, and have now unleashed her in a room full of easily breakable bubbles that holds a myriad of corrupted gems. Do tell, what was your plan with this stunt?

"A human...cured me? Wait the gems...Rose...I'll make them pay!" She looks at him with a snarl. "Tell me where Rose Quartz is!"

"Rose isn't necessarily around anymore, I'm guessing you're looking for her son, he is kinda busy."
"Then take me to her, unless you want me to do this the hard way." She grins menacingly as she readies her fists.

"Humans know how to meld strength and intelligence into becoming great warriors, if I'm superior to all them, then you shouldn't underestimate me."

You say this to a gem who is superior to every other warrior of her rank, Max. I really wish you’d stop boasting about your human capabilities during combat, when every other day of the week you reject your humanity outright. Aside from that, all of your super powers are gem based. The only thing your human side has given you is an itchy trigger finger.

He glares at her as he feels his right arm tremble, the need to test his new strength aching in him. Jasper only growls and starts spinning in place before rushing at Max. "So is that a move all Quartzes can do? I can't really imagine Rose or Steven doing that." Max puffs into smoke before rising higher in the air, leaving Jasper confused.

New super power, right on schedule. It wouldn’t be so annoying, if it wasn’t because he never seem to use any power more than once.

"Where are you!?"

"Up here." Max calls out as he reforms and gives a strong drop kick to her head, but Jasper retaliates by summoning her helmet and headbutting Max into a wall. "Not bad, but you're gonna have to try harder than that!" Max's right arm aims at Jasper before he releases a column of vicious fire at her. Jasper jumps out of the way before beginning to spin again. Max ignites a fire to surround his body as he rushes toward Jasper, his fist and her spinning body colliding and creating a large shockwave. As the dust settles, Jasper was holding Max by the collar.

I hope she uses the lavapit as a deep fryer.

"Face it, you lost human."

"Did I now?" Max seems to completely confident, his eyes scanning around the room. Jasper looks up in confusion until she sees another Maxwell.

"Hi there." He chuckles as more of them appear out of thin air, until there were five in total.

"I'm gonna be honest, I didn't even know I could do this. Maybe absorbing your corruption gave me an upgrade."


Max grabs onto her arms and gives a swift kick, flipping out of her grasp. The team of Maxes aim their arms at her, fire accumulating at the palm of their obsidian arms. "Five Star Furnace!" Simultaneously the humans release powerful infernos directly at Jasper, causing humongous damage to the gem's body, bringing her close to having to revert back into her gem. Once the attack ends, four Maxes disappear, leaving only the original.

Begging the question of what the clones were made from. Pearl is capable of making hologram copies of herself, but they’re, you know, holograms. What were these made from? Smoke? Magic? Bullshit?

Looking over Jasper, she was exhausted with soot and burns all over her body, barely able to stay standing. He walks over to Jasper with a soft smile, bringing out his hand to help her up. She looks at his hand in confusion before slapping it away.

"I don't need your pity, just finish me off."
"Now where would be the fun in that? You're pretty strong, and I would love a sparring partner."
"Shut up! I'm not looking for a partner, I'm here for revenge."
"For your diamond, I guess I could understand that."
"How could a human ever understand me?"
"You're not the only one who's suffered from betrayal."

She hasn’t suffered betrayal, Max. She has suffered loss. The loss of a leader, the loss of an icon, the loss of what allowed her to exist in the first place. You couldn’t even begin to relate to her, because the only meaningful thing you’ve ever lost is your marbles.

Max slowly undoes his shirt to reveal his scarred body. "Most of these scars are from people I believed were friends or someone I could love, in the end though they only hurt me for their own personal gain. Some people say I should be proud of my scars, but what pride is their for losing the ability to love and trust for years?"


I’m hoping this ellipsis is due to Jasper wondering what the fuck scars are, since gems don’t get those.

"If I were you, I'd probably want revenge just as much...but Rose is gone."

"No she's not, she's hiding as some human!"
"...tell me, do you know about human reproduction?"

Are you seriously about to give ‘the talk’ to a gem while topless, Max?

"Why would I ever want to know about something like that?"
"Because it reveals how Rose Quartz ceased to exist."

Because all human reproduction results in the death of the mother – didn’t you know?

"...y-you're lying!" She rushes at him to try and punch him, but he only glares at her and catches her fist with his hand.

"A gem doesn't necessarily have the same organs as a human, she had to shapeshift them in order to share her love with a human."
"Stop talking!" She tries to headbutt him but Max only uses her momentum to flip her onto her back.

I’m with Jasper on this one, please stop talking about the workings of Rose Quartz’s nether region.

"She soon began carrying a developing human within her body, but she didn't have the proper components for the baby. If she wanted to stay alive, the baby wouldn't have been able to live."
"NO!" Jasper struggles to get back up, but Max snaps his fingers and hardened magma holds down her arms and legs.

How many new powers have you pulled in this chapter alone, Max?

"She knew what she had to do, in order for the baby to live, she had to give up her life, which means her gem. She's been gone for 14 years Jasper! Rose Quartz died to let her son live!"
Jasper only yells out and breaks out of the restraints to tackle Max down. She raises her fists to strike him but Max only gave her a hard stare.

"Rose is gone. Killing the Crystal Gems and her son won't accomplish anything."

Oh, sure, it won’t accomplish anything. It’ll just put an end to a millennia old war, remove a potential threat to Homeworld, and bring Jasper immense personal satisfaction; nothing special.

Jasper didn't know how to respond, only letting her arms drop to her sides and letting Max up.

"What do I do now? I was faithful only to Pink Diamond...and now I have nothing."
"You do have something, an identity as a powerful warrior. You are a quartz gem, now isn't the time for you to lay down and die. On Earth you have the option to grow stronger and better than ever before. I won't force you to join the Crystal Gems, but the offer is there.

Who the fuck got shattered and made you team leader, Max?!

Until you decide what to do, I can provide you shelter, and in return you help me train as well."
Both of them were silent for a solid minute until Jasper finally nods her head. "Don't think I'll ever join those who took everything away from me...but the chance to become stronger is not something I can pass up."

“I mean, all you did was shout a biology lesson at me and promise me power without any sort of purpose, but I guess I’m in.”

"Alright, just understand if I see you attack Steven or someone he cares about, I'll have to stop you...unless you manage to become stronger than me, then there is no one to stop you." Max chuckles solemnly as he leads her out, a new beginning for Jasper.

Leave the villain redemptions to trained professionals, Max. If this were Star Wars, you’d just have outed yourself as a Sith.


What a load. Jasper has been freed, uncorrupted, and is now going to be Max’s next training exploit. Had the author intended for me to buy this turn of events, he’d have the two bonding over their shared experiences of terrible relationships. But no, it’s the promise of power that wins Jasper over. Yellow Diamond could show up, tell Jasper to murder the Crystal Gems, and she’d have no reason to not follow orders. I’d rather have Max flip a coin every hour to determine if he lets Zero out for a walk; less chance of violent murder that way.

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Re: The Human With a Gem

Post by StabbyKobold » Mon Sep 17, 2018 12:38 pm

This chapter is a mixed blessing. On one hand, it’s a part of this story. On the other, it’s the final chapter of it. It’s never quite champagne and fireworks when these things happen, but I do reserve my right to celebrate in a modest fashion. But first, time to get it over with. Jasper is free, because Max is a burglar with no concept of restriction. Let’s see how that pans out. Enjoy.


Chapter 35: Answers


Nothing is impossible when logic and reality bends to the whims of some third rate hack storyteller.

Revealing the news went relatively better than expected. Once Steven, Lapis, and Peridot came back, Max had finished explaining his recent conflict with Jasper to the Crystal Gems, and Pearl was currently ranting about what Max did.

"No one was able to cure corruption, Rose's tears couldn't, Steven's saliva made progress but not enough, and you're telling me that you did it so simply?"
"Okay, it was not a simple cure. Yes the corruption is removed, but that's because I absorbed it. The side effects are still under research." Max says in a feeble attempt to correct and calm Pearl.

That was supposed to calm her? How have you not just admitted to making yourself an even more unstable mess, Max?

"Wait what's going on?" Steven asked curiously as he, Peridot, and Lapis walk toward them.

"Maxwell apparently absorbed Jasper's corruption." Garnet answered in a calm manner, albeit her hands fidgeting showed she was having trouble keeping her demeanor stoic.

"He did what!?" Lapis shouted out before looking at Max.

Max, once the tsunami aimed at Jasper hits Beach City, know that it was entirely your fault.

"Oh here we go. I didn't do it on purpose okay, I was curious so I looked at her gem. But before I could put her bubbled gem away, Obsidian acted on her own and started taking the corruption, look!" Before Lapis could try and tear him apart, Max revealed to everyone how his obsidian hand now covered his entire right arm and shoulder. "When Jasper reformed, she acted as you would have guessed, not in the mood to thank me and trying to get to Steven. I gave her the truth of where Rose is, tested my new strength out on her, and now she's in the room with bubbled gems, currently too damaged emotionally and physically to try and fight me again."

Never mind the fact that you led her out of the chamber at the end of the last chapter. Wait, you left Jasper alone inside the temple? Inside the basement?! ARE YOU INSA-- oh, right, pretend I didn’t say anything.

"Wait, so now we have a way to get rid of the corruption?" Steven asked hopefully, thinking of a certain gem and her friends.

"I'm not sure Steven, it's possible but absorbing so much corruption in a short amount of time could cause Obsidian to grow out of control like when she was ripped off my arm." Max explains sadly, hating to put a damper on Steven's growing hope.

Then find a way for you to discharge it, moron! You’ve basically sucked the venom from a wound, and now you’re not even contemplating spitting it out.

"Well what are we supposed to do now?" Amethyst asked the question everyone was thinking, all unsure of what to do with the powerful quartz gem.

"You can talk with her if you wish, but I made a deal with her. Everytime she feels up to it, we will fight again. If she manages to beat me, then she is free to leave and do as she wishes, but as long as I keep winning, she is to stay a prisoner."

Because that totally doesn’t sound exactly like how Lapis kept Jasper as a prisoner in a fusion at the bottom of the ocean for months. On the other hand, this might become Max’s most stable relationship yet.

"Well then it's simple." Peridot cuts in. "You just keep winning the fights, and we don't have a problem."
"Not exactly. Look at this." Max breathes slowly before trying to make a clone of himself, unfortunately said clone appears, but is just a head.

"Hello there!" The clone head says before hopping around to the disturbance of everyone in the room.

"Yeah, I guess my power up from the corruption is only temporary, I can even feel the obsidian on my arm receding slowly. I am not sure if I'm strong enough to win again."

Then why not wait until you can once more absorb corruption for a power boost, then you fight Jasper? Another gem will be cured, Jasper stays in the basement, and everyone will be happy. Did you agree to fight her every hour on the hour, or something?

"Then I see only one choice...we talk to her!" Again Steven gives the optimistic answer, but the gems seem very uncomfortable with that plan of action.

"Steven's got a point, but it's only a choice, you do not have to talk with her if any of you are too uncomfortable, but any in favor of the plan, join me and Steven because we'll be walking into the room."

This time not like a home invading dumbass, who randomly pops bubbled gems for his own amusement, I hope. Have the gems asked you how you got into the temple yet, Max?

With Steven and Max in agreement, they look to the gems in the room. Lapis shakes her head and chooses to just go back to the barn, Peridot accompanying her. Pearl and Garnet choose to stay, wanting to be lookout in case Jasper were to try and escape. Amethyst though seems to be the only one to join, seemingly curious to see Jasper again. With everyone decided, Max takes Steven and Amethyst into the room.

He could also have let someone else lead the way, instead of acting as if he owns the place.

The familiar sight of the dark pink room and numerous bubbled gems appear in front of the trio. In the far end of the room was Jasper sitting and hugging her knees. Once she heard their footsteps though, her eyes widened and she got up onto her feet.

"What? Back for more?...Or are you here to taunt me? Bringing Rose and the runt in front of me, what could you possibly want from this."
"I'm not here for a fight, just to talk." Max pats Steven on the back so he can walk forward.

You’ve finally stooped to child sacrifice, Max? Should I be surprised?

"Jasper, I may not understand what you're going through, or how life on Homeworld is, or how you felt when you lost your Diamond. All I can really do is this." To everyone's surprise, Steven gets on his knees and puts his head down. "I am so sorry. I know apologies probably mean nothing to you, but it's all I can do. Rose Quartz...she shattered your Diamond, was part of this big war...and chose to leave me with it. Maybe she thought Earth was safe for me, I don't think I will ever understand what she intended, but all I can say is that I wish to be different from her. I'm not Rose, I may have her gem but I'm Steven. I have my own thoughts and dreams, I never want to have a gem shattered, I just want everyone to be happy and get along, no matter how dumb it sounds."


Wanting everyone to be happy and get along sounds dumb?! By what fucking right do you even make such a statement? Author, these words you’re putting in Steven’s mouth continuously proves that you have no idea of what his character is about. Steven wants everyone to be happy and get along, because it sounds wonderful – that is how everyone wins. It’s maybe idealistic, more than a bit naïve even, but it’s ultimately a goal everyone should strive for. And hell, the kid has proof that it works. Steven’s determination to sticking to this ideal is why Lapis and Peridot are sharing a barn together. Instead of having Steven offer empty apologies and again hammer in the point of his separation from Rose Quartz, maybe you should have him exercise some empathy and figure out what Jasper needs in order to move on from her revenge fixation.

Tears visibly formed in his eyes as he laid out his feelings to Jasper, who surprisingly was listening well. "If I could give you back your Diamond I would, in hopes though that it would stop Earth and Homeworld from being enemies, and maybe...just maybe learn to value peace and love more that war and death."

Homeworld doesn’t want war, you ignoramus. It is a terrible waste of resources. Their definition of peace is the continued growth of their empire through exploitation of planetary resources. They do value love too; it just happens that it’s a love for leadership, classism, and conformity. This is what makes the conflict of the show believable, as both sides act according with their ideals and best interests. Cultures that value war and death above peace and love are only found in fucking fairy tales!

With Steven's last words, he stand up and wipes the tears from his eyes before walking back to Max.

"..." Jasper continued to be silent, seeming to be deep in thought over what he said, but wouldn't say anything.

"Anything you wanted to say Amethyst?"

“If you want to beat Max in a fight, next time get in a car with him – it worked for me.”

"No, not really...well um, I met the other Amethysts and Jaspers in the human zoo. It was call me a runt and disgrace...but they treated me so kindly, like I was a part of them. Heck, they even let us escape with Steven's dad. Did Holly Blue give you any trouble, or were you elsewhere?" Despite Amethyst's attempt for a conversation, Jasper remained silent. She sighs before looking at Max and then leaving the room with Steven.

Sure, let’s have the two people who most closely can relate to Jasper leave the room, and leave her alone with the walking dumpster fire of misinformed morals and selfish decisions.

Max looked over to Jasper before walking closer. He took a seat next to her and just breathed slowly.

" really isn't Rose."


"...just what is this...Steven, and what are you?"
"An interesting question, but no one can really give a straight answer. Hybrids through different circumstances? He was born, Obsidian latched onto my arm. Just where do I start?"

He could start with the basic fact that hybridization necessitates birth. I still don’t understand how the author can be this misinformed about the subject. Steven is a hybrid, sharing traits from both of his parents. Max is a chimera, his body containing parts from a separate entity grafted onto him. He is technically a gem cyborg, utilizing the powers of a gem without it changing what he is – although I hesitate to call him a human, gem or no gem. By Max’s own reasoning, a peg-legged pirate would be a plant hybrid.

"...I want to know everything, teach me all you can."

With that, Max began to retell the stories of what Max and Steven faced, either separate or together. Steven's birth and childhood, Max's suffering and growth. Steven's influence on the Crystal Gems, Max's training and learning. Jasper listened closely as Max told the many stories of what the brothers have endured, fighting the white claws, dealing with emotions and trust, and just trying to understand who they are.

I wouldn’t trust you to recite the alphabet without embellishing a few details, Max, much less recount Steven’s life and the disastrous events that you’ve caused. On top of this, explaining to Jasper how humans have caused you suffering, and how the White Claws abused gems for their own purposes, seems like asking for trouble of the genocide variety.

Soon Max checked his phone to see it was late at night by the time he finished retelling his adventures.

" now you know. It's not a simple thing me and Steven go through in an attempt to keep peace. The past, present, and future gives us problems that seem to never end...and now that you have this information, what will you do?"
Max looks down at his right hand, seeing it was back to its original form, not noticing Jasper as she gets on her feet, and delivers a powerful strike to the back of his neck. Max's eyes close as he falls unconscious.


"Ugh, my head...wait, Jasper!" He quickly gets up on his feet and runs out of the room. "Steven! Gather the gems, Jasper's...gone." He looks to see Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl with Steven holding a note.

"We know, Steven was just telling us."

"She asked me to write this note and then left." Steven shows it to Max for him to read outloud.

He could also just read it to himself; because why the hell would the others need to hear what they’ve already read?

"I'm sorry for leaving so suddenly, but after seeing and hearing about your group, I feel like I understand the Crystal Gems more. I may never join, or understand what Earth has to protect, but I will at least leave you in peace. Maxwell and Steven, don't let anyone stop you two from reaching your goals, do whatever you believe in. From, Jasper."

Figures, even when there’s finally a chance to switch up the team dynamics, the author refuses to deviate from status quo. Virtually nothing has changed since Max arrived at the temple. Nothing!

The room was silent as they look at the note. Afterwards the group split up to search every are the warp pads go to, even the barn where Lapis and Peridot were, but found no trace of the orange gem. Whether they meet again or not is unsure, for now the Crystal Gems were to continue protecting Earth the way they know how. Although...things seemed to be about to get worse. A new threat heading for Earth was approaching, as worlds begin to collide.

Finally! Antagonists that aren’t ridiculously evil humans or products of Max’s own idiocy. Homeworld, here we go!

To be continued in the crossover nobody asked for,

Max and Jack: Timelines Crossed

Oh. Oh no!


Here I was hoping I could close off this fanfic and walk away. But no, the author decided that not only should Maxwell’s misanthropic adventures continue, but it should do so in a crossover with one of his other fanfics; titled Jack and the Gems, starring another original character of the author’s own making. At a glance, it’s about yet another moody teenage male with a gem in his body, who joins the Crystal Gems, only he is captured by Homeworld and defects to their side. I have every intention of mocking both stories at a later date, because how could I not? For now, thank you all for reading this mock. I hope it managed to become an entertaining read.

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