Jack and Gems

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Jack and Gems

Post by StabbyKobold » Wed Nov 28, 2018 1:23 pm

Sometimes I go into a fanfic not knowing what to expect from it. I usually let an online search engine, praise be to Google, create a lineup of potential fanfics based on a snippet of text indicative of the story’s quality. Usually this is a prevalent descriptor for the author’s focus on the main character and how many lovers they’re going to get, other times its exaggerated descriptors for genitalia and their usages. In this case, I needed no such thing, as I return to an author I’ve already encountered.

This is Jack and Gems by chimchar14, a Steven Universe fanfic cut from the same cloth as The human with a gem by the same author. To describe the latter in brief, it involved the titular main character, Maxwell Ignitus, joining the Crystal Gems after ingesting a corrupted gem. What followed was a series of events best described as indecisive and self-absorbed meandering, with Maxwell attempting to push morals and life lessons that ran counter to the messages of the show. The fanfic ended by revealing a crossover between itself and a different fanfic – namely this one. Sticking to his protagonist formula, the author once more introduces a human protagonist, who becomes a gem hybrid via throwing a corrupted gem at him and telling us it sticks. Unlike his previous story however, it takes a much dumber turn thereafter. Enjoy.


Chapter 1: Jack and Gems

16 year old Jack Divinos was not one you would call particularly lucky. In fact he seemed to find himself always in bad situations, whether it was looking similar to a guy who pissed of gangsters, was splashed by cars driving over puddles, or having dogs chase after him because of the smell of peanut butter on him after lunch.

Comedic contrivance. My favorite kind of forced joke.

He thought things would turn around him when he finally got the money to buy a home in beautiful Beach City. Things looked even better when he made friends with a kid named Steven Universe. Of course, life had different plans.

What aspirations did he, a sixteen-year-old boy, have to move to a tourist town like Beach City all on his own? Did he want to be a carnie at Funland? Is he a fisherman? Does he even have a job that would pay his bills?

Apparently Steven was part of some magical adventure or something with some weirdos called the Crystal Gems. With Jack's luck, this led to a monster bounding after him. A blue being with three grotesque heads, one eye on the left and right heads, and the middle head adorning a three sided blue gem.

Geometry of three-dimensional objects usually demand more sides than that, so I’m guessing the author doesn’t know the word ‘prism’.

It's arms were long and powerful like snakes, and with webbed feet chasing after Jack. Why was it chasing after him? He could only speculate it was the peanut butter again.

I can only speculate why he hasn’t stopped using it.

The gems attempted to destroy and bubble it, whatever that meant, but what nobody expected was for the creature to wrap its arms around Jack and stare curiously into his eyes. Before anyone could comprehend what was happening, its right arm morphed into a sharp blade and slashed across his chest, ripping apart his shirt deeply and causing a spurt of blood to rush out of the human. The gems ran to intervene, but then the beast mashed its middle head into Jack's chest while glowing blindingly bright. Once the light faded, Jack lay unconscious on the floor, a shiny gem embedded in his chest.


You would think, if corrupted gems were predisposed to simply nesting in any human they find, that this would happen more often. It was kind of the same with Maxwell; smoke monster Obsidian just outright crawled down his throat like a hermit crab. I wonder how many wild animals attempt to enter the author’s flesh on a daily basis, because there should be other ways to create human gem hybrids than bodily hijacking.

When Jack woke up, to say he freaked out was an understatement as the gems tried to calm him down. With some studying and x-rays at the hospital, they identified the gem as a Labradorite, of course its name sounded similar to a dog, and apparently it somehow connected with his heart and the nerves around it. To extract the gem would be a sure chance to kill him. With little other choice, he joined the Crystal Gems, in hopes to find out more about his gem and the species as a whole.

Not that I don’t appreciate his proactive approach here, but isn’t this like an injured civilian feeling obliged to join the war? Why must he suddenly be a draftee?

"No, No, NO, A THOUSAND F***ING TIMES NO!" Jack did not seem to be happy.

"It really isn't that bad Jack, we can always buy more." Pearl said dismissively to his outburst.

“I hear humans have started accepting paper as currency in recent millennia. It literally grows on trees.”

"Says you! This is the fifth time since I joined that this has happened!"

"Guys what's going on?" Steven asked concerned as he walked over to the kitchen where the conflict took place.

"What's going on?! A crime is what's going on! A destruction of trust and the little goodness left on this forsaken planet!" Jack bangs his head against the counter.

I totally agree. Micro-transactions in single player games was the last straw.

Steven looks questioningly at Pearl, and she just rolls her eyes."It's nothing to worry about Steven, Jack is complaining because we're out of milk."

"It's not just that we're out of milk, it's the fact that Lion drank most of it, Amethyst watched, then she drank the rest, and PUT THE EMPTY CARTON BACK IN THE FRIDGE! I mean, who does that!?"

The same person who would eat the carton as a snack, duh. Why are you making such a big deal about this, though? Last time I check, Steven was the one living at the temple. If you already had a home in Beach City, why aren’t you living there?

"Dude chill, I was thirsty." Amethyst said as she and Lion were laying down with milk around their mouths, only making Jack more aggravated. Before he could do anything drastic, Garnet appears on the warp pad with two other gems Jack could only assume were the mentioned Peridot and Lapis Lazuli.

The total lack of descriptions for either of them leads me to assume the same.

"Terrible news! I was looking inside the Ruby's ship and on their radar, I saw evidence of a large ship heading towards Earth! I fear it may be the Diamonds, they must know that the Cluster never went off, so they may try to destroy Earth themselves!"

Or given Jack’s run of bad luck, they’re just going to inconvenience him in passing.

Calm down. Right now we need a plan to stop them." Garnet spoke in a leaderly fashion. Everyone seemed calmer, but Peridot was still quivering.

"How do we stop them though!? We're clearly outmatched!"

"Um, if i may have a word." Everyone looked to Jack as he puts a hand in his pocket and points to Peridot. "You said we have a ship right? We can use that to board the Diamonds. Then as we sneak in, we can try to find the main computer or whatever and change the ship's coordinates, leading them to a different planet to destroy and hopefully trick them."

If every decision you make is as dumb as the words you just spoke, no wonder your life is terrible, Jack. Your plan hinges on not only you covertly entering their vessel, it also demands that you interface with gem tech without leaving a trace or being discovered. All of this ignores the fact, that in every other situation involving gem space ships, they have been shown to be actively piloted – with or without traveling by predetermined coordinates. An omitted step of your plan is also to get back out of the ship after doing this; once again undetected. However, there is a very important thing you and the gems seem to be ignoring, Jack. Who the fuck are you to make plans? You’re just some guy the gems found on the street. No one should be listening to you in this matter.

"You can't just trick the Diamonds!" Peridot screeched, also tapping her chin in thought. "But changing their coordinates could work in our favor, maybe take them into a different galaxy and give us another 100 years."

Current era gem vessels travel between Earth and Homeworld in a matter of hours, and they’ve been to the planet before. They’ll get a day, tops.

Garnet nods and looks to everyone. "Then it looks like we have a plan, we need everyone to work as a team if we want to succeed." The team heads onto the warp pad, transporting them all to a barn where a strange oval shaped red ship. Once aboard, Peridot took the helm and meet the proper configurations before blasting off into space. Steven seemed to be nervous about the whole ride, but everything seemed to go off without a hitch.

Maybe because nothing has actually happened yet. You’ve got a three step plan, and you’ve yet to complete number one.

"To think I'm actually in space. I honestly used to be terrified of the thought of going into space, but then I learned there are much scarier things...and no one's listening." He looks to see everyone else in deep conversation about their worried or how to go about the plan. Jack only sighs as he looks out into the vastness of space, curious as to what they would encounter.

News flash, you sad sack! THE EARTH IS IN PERIL!! How about you postpone your personal melodrama until after you’ve thwarted the alien dictators?

It was only a few more minutes until a large ship was in view, shaped like giant yellow arm.

Meaning, if the arm ship is travelling at the same speed as they are, then they’ve got about five minutes to pull off the entire plan before they arrive at the planet. Brilliant.

"Okay, we need to be quick about this, this isn't a rescue mission like last time, we need to just sneak in, get Peridot to change the coordinates, then head back." Garnet instructs everyone as they slowly begin to head out. Just as Jack was about to get off the ship, Garnet puts a hand in front of him. "Jack, stay here and guard the ship."

"...excuse me?"

Honestly, I’m surprised they even let him come in the first place.

"We need you to make sure no one takes the ship."

"That's complete bullshit and you know it. You just don't think I'm of real use to the mission because I'm green, AND I DON'T MEAN THE COLOR! I mean you think I'm too much of a rookie."

How about the fact, that you’re too human to pass for a gem, and would therefore stick out like a sore thumb during an infiltration mission? Granted, Steven is the same, but at least he can defend himself, while I don’t even know if you can take a deep breath with that gem impeded in your chest. Why are you even complaining about this, when it was never your choice to be a member of the team in the first place? You’re literally out here risking your life, because you were made a victim, Jack. Why are you doing any of this?

"Look, I'm sorry Jack, but this mission is too important to mess up."

"I'll watch over the ship, fine, but don't lie and say you're sorry." Jack just sighs and takes a seat in the ship. Garnet doesn't respond before closing the ship and heading off with the others.

"...well this is boring as fuck." 15 minutes sitting there and having to just twiddle his thumbs, he didn't even have some video games to pass the time. Soon though the ship door opens. "Finally, you took forever!" He spins in his seat, expecting to see the Crystal Gems...what he wasn't expecting was a bigger version of Amethyst with a gem where her left eye should be, and wearing a uniform with a yellow diamond emblem. "Well...shit."

Wow, it’s almost like standing guard requires that you actually stand guard. Is this guy capable of doing anything other than moping?

"Let me go already!" Jack always thought he was a good fighter, that he could stand his ground, but when it's three Amethysts against one human who hasn't even figured out his gem's abilities, he was pretty much screwed.

Let me get this straight. You went along on this mission without any experience, without training, without so much as a means to defend yourself, and you didn’t consider this somehow a problem? The gems didn’t consider this a problem? You’re here to save the world, yet you’re about as prepared for the task as a college year absentee during midterms. You may complain about bad luck, but you’ve got no one to blame but yourself, man!

Now with two holding his arms and one keeping an eye on him, he was carried to a large set of yellow doors. The Amethyst not keeping him captive opened the door, revealing the enemy of the Crystal Gems. An incredibly tall woman, which Jack could only presume was Yellow Diamond, sat on a throne with a gem standing nearby, looking similar to Pearl but colored yellow and looking even snarkier.

For all the effort you put into the descriptions, author, it could be Pearl covered in yellow paint. I don’t even know if that’s Yellow Diamond in the room, because all you did was to have Jack assume it was, and he assumed he’d pull this plan off.

"My Diamond! We apologize for this inconvenience, but we have found this human in a Ruby ship!" The lead Amethyst said while having her hands forming a diamond shape. Possibly a sign of respect.

"This is the Diamond throne room, Amethyst's should not be tracking their dirty feet in here and telling ridiculous stories."

“Just like that preposterous fib about a Rose Quartz in human shape you yelled about earlier. It’s like an obsession with you.”

The Yellow Pearl said with a tone of trying to be superior. Before she could continue though, she was interrupted by the giant gem.

"You mean to say a human took a Ruby's ship, and managed to fly here onto my ship?"

The Amethyst seemed nervous as she tries to regain her composure. "I-I know it sounds ludicrous b-but we all can say for sure, this human was in the captain's chair! M-my Diamond." She adds the last part quickly. Jack wasn't sure what to make of these gems, they were loyal to the Diamond and seemed to worship her, but were also terrified. They acted like these Diamonds were queens...gods even.


Did no one give him the memo? The Diamonds are leaders of gem society by virtue of their mere existence. They are autocrats ruling over a galaxy-spanding empire populated by individuality-deprived, caste separated servants. Did Jack even bother to ask who or what they were going up against? He complained about being treated like a rookie before, but he’s obviously greener than pea soup!

"It is ludicrous because humans are not smart enough to use our technology."


"She's right you know." Jack interrupts, finally speaking up, all eyes on him. "A human can't use one of your ships, at least not without taking it apart first and having a certain degree of intelligence, but I don't have such things. So what does this mean? If I can't possibly drive the ship, then who did?"

Dude. You’re giving away the Crystal Gems’ presence aboard the ship. Not cool.

"Quiet you!" One Amethyst was about to strike him but the leader intervened.

"Wait I get it now! He didn't drive it, but another gem did!" She looks to Yellow Diamond, hoping to see a difference in her expression, yet she was still as stoic as before.

"It seems plausible, but where are said gems now?"

Not in Jack’s presence, and that’s all I could ever hope for.

"W-well um…"

"Coming to rescue me obviously! After they're done, they'll come for me and-" Jack was interrupted as a floating screen appears. On the screen was a panicking Peridot.

"My Diamond! I'm sorry to report this but, some gems infiltrated our ship and are now leaving!" She points to the Crystal gems as they run back to the ship and start it up before flying away.

Can’t really blame them. Jack had one job, and he didn’t even attempt to do it. Ronaldo was a better Crystal Gem.

Jack only looked stunned at the screen, his eyes wide at what just happened. "We are within range to intercept. Waiting on your command."

"...that won't be necessary, you are dismissed." Yellow Diamond only waves off the Peridot and screen then looks to the paralyzed Jack. "Care to tell us who invaded my ship, human?"

"They….left me…no attempt to come after me or anything, they just left…" Jack didn't know what to say as he looked to where the screen was.

What were you to them, Jack, other than a whiny dead weight? This was a high stakes mission for the protection of the Earth. I’m sure they all feel really bad about leaving you, but risking the survival of the team for your worthless ass was never an option.

"...this human is obviously useless. Just shoot it out into space." Yellow Diamond says dismissively, putting a hand to her head. The Amethysts start to drag Jack before he struggles and speaks up.

"Before you kill me, let me tell you what I know. Those were the remnants of your old enemy, the Crystal Gems." The other gems were confused, but this seemed to peak the Diamond's interest. "You didn't destroy them all...Rose Quartz's survivors and child still inhabit the Earth."

And now he’s turned traitor out of spite. He’s going to doom the planet, how wonderful.

"What do you possibly know of Rose Quartz?"

"Not much, except that she's technically dead." These words caused Yellow Diamond to stand up on her feet, the gems growing more scared. The amethysts let go of Jack and back off, but Jack standing firm.

"What do you mean, technically dead?" She says as she stand tall in front of Jack.

She could kneel tall next to him, how about using some better descriptors?

"To explain quickly, and without getting into the details of human anatomy and such, Rose Quartz gave up her physical form to procreate with a human and have a child. The boy has her gem, but he can barely control the power on his own and is significantly weaker than other gems." Jack informed dismissively to the towering Diamond. She looks at him with a stern face, seeming to contemplate whether his word was reliable or not.

It’s not. I doubt he’d have stuck around the Crystal Gems long enough to learn any of that, and his assessment of Steven’s power is off, too. It would make sense if this story was set during season one, but with the Ruby ship present it’s definitely season four. At this point, Steven has gained plenty control of his powers, and he’s beaten Bismuth in a one-on-one fight. Jack is just incapable of taking interest in anything beyond his own misery.

"Don't believe me? Understandable, why trust a human on his word? But what about a gem?" Without hesitation, Jack lifts his shirt to reveal the gem imbued in his chest. Disgust, fear, and curiosity were in all of their faces as they see the Labradorite fused with the human's flesh.

It must be weird for creatures without a digestion system to feel the need to vomit.

"Labradorite... it is more difficult to create at times like these." Yellow Diamond said to herself in deep thought, glancing at his gem before the smallest of smirks can be seen. "Take him to the Animo Chamber, then we will get all the answers we need, and see for ourselves who this human truly is." The amethysts salute before grabbing Jack's arms and escorting him.

Animo Chamber? Oh ho, the author is getting creative with some original gem tech. Why do I get the feeling it will have no functional purpose outside of this unique situation?

"Jeez, no need to get physical, I don't plan on escaping...I have nowhere to go anyways." Jack said solemnly as he's taken to a strange room with dark blue walls, pulsating a white light every few seconds. In the middle was a chair that he was pushed into sitting on. The Amethysts put on restraints while two new gem walks through the door.

While Amethysts wearing bondage gear is certain to please some demographic of the fandom, I must insist on you improving your grammar, author.

One was had light green skin with a circular gem on her stomach, long wavy grassy green hair reaching down to her knees and was quite tall in size, at least a foot taller than the amethysts, yet with a kind demeanor. She seemed to be a tad clumsy as she kept bumping her head against the ceiling, but just laughed it off and crouched.

Kindhearted, goofball giant, huh? Let me guess, the other is a no-nonsense, stick-in-the-mud midget, right?

The second gem, barely taller than a peridot, seemed very formal, scowling at her partner then looking at Jack with intense eyes. A square shaped gem on her forehead, white hair that seemed neatly combed and barely reaches her ears would be, and a rich darker green color to her smaller yet somehow more intimidating form and gem.. The amethysts salute to the two gems, yet mostly to the smaller one.

"Emerald and Diopside, have you been informed of the situation?"

Emerald? Diopside? Yeah, no, I’m calling them Pinky and Brain.

The smaller one, presumably Emerald, scoffs as she gets to a control panel. "Of course I know the situation, do you take me for an imbecile like my colleague?"

"I'm not an imbecile...whatever that means." The taller one, which must have been Diopside, huffs before looking at Jack and waving kindly. Jack only raises an eyebrow and waves back as best as he could with the restraints on.

Don’t encourage the alien, Jack. Before you know it, she’ll have imprinted on you.

"It is no matter, leave us, I need to concentrate if we want to get the information for our diamond." The amethysts nod before leaving the room, leaving only Jack with the two gems. "So you're the Labradorite human? Less impressive than I imagined."

"Funny, I thought the same thing about your diamond." Jack said with a smirk, loving the expression on the appalled Emerald. "I'm lying by the way, I just wanted to see how deep your loyalty lies."

And how far the probes can go up your ass, evidently. Do you have any sort of self-preservation instinct?

"Earth scum, you think you're so smart? Trying to play with me while you're strapped down? I have half a mind to to liquidize your grey matter."

"Yeah, and the other half of your mind is missing, which explains your lack of intelligence." He looked to see Diopside trying not to laugh , but then Jack yells in pain as a powerful electric shock goes through his body.

"Stupid flesh sack. I'll make sure this is as painful as possible." Emerald grins menacingly as she presses a few buttons and flips a switch, sending another large shock through Jack's body, until everything fades to white.

So, let’s reiterate. The Animo Chamber is simply an interrogation room, I think. It is seemingly designed for the interrogation of organic life forms, because Emerald knew it would cause pain. And it is placed aboard Yellow Diamond’s arm ship while not being roomy enough to support anyone marginally taller than the average gem. Anyone else get a feeling of “I told you so”?

Jack's eyes open up weakly as he looks to find himself in the same room, but out of the chair and sitting in something softer. He looks to see he was currently in the grasp of the Diopside, her eyes close and smiling as she seemed to be doing the affectionate action known as cuddling.

"Um…" Jack said in an act of brilliance.

Diopside opens her eyes and grins more to him. "Oh you're awake! Sorry if this seems strange, but this is how I heal others. As a Diopside, we are created to help heal those with injuries."

A gem that heals injuries via cuddling? A member of a race whose bodies are hardlight constructs, and whose injuries would be located on a fraction of said body? Come up with better excuses for your female contact fantasies, author.

Jack looks at the gem on her belly, seeing it glow softly and bringing a comforting feeling on his body. "The shocks you sustained were pretty bad, Emerald is currently getting chewed out by our Diamond." Jack listens closely and peaks his head out the door. Yellow Diamond was sternly talking to an ashamed looking Emerald.

"...the human's mind carried information that could have aided the colony!"

Hey, I’m the one who’s supposed to make the jokes here!

"I-I apologize my Diamond, b-but he insulted me, besmirched the gem race and-"

"You mean to say you allowed a human to get the better of you, and took a pity vengeance upon him, that could have cost us all valuable information?"

The only thing you can learn from Jack for sure is how to make bad decisions. I don’t even know if Jack stayed at the temple for more than a week or less than a minute.

"N-no! M-my Diamond, w-what I mean is-"

"Shut your mouth! You'd better hope the human is still alive, or it means the end of your career."

Emerald looks down at the ground with terrified eyes, staying still though and keeping her salute steady.

"As fun as this is to watch, we better step in." Jack grunts as he gets up on wobbly legs, using the wall for support until Diopside decided to carry him like a baby.

Complete with proper head support and burping technique.

With a light blush of embarrassment on his face, Jack sighs and lays in the gem's arms as he was carried to Yellow Diamond.

"My Diamond, I am proud to say the human is awake and relatively healthy." Diopside said with a bright smile.

"Yes, hello Miss Diamond, my legs are acting up a bit, but I should be at 100 percent soon enough." Jack said as he waves at the gem from his current place.

He’ll be completely ready for another, less rushed turn in the torture chair.

"Hmm, so he lives...Emerald, get me an animo sensor." Emerald perks up at the diamond saying her name, and quickly goes to retrieve said item. The green gem comes back with a strange device connected to what seems to be a floating screen. The device looks similar to a stethoscope, yet more advanced with the several odd parts sticking out of it. "Now, let's see what intel we can gather from this human." Emerald nods and lifts up Max's shirt forcibly, making him blush more but stay serious as she puts the sensor to his gem.

Again, outside of Max’s weird and unique situation, at what other time do they have the need to do this? Did the author just want to cram in a medical fetish and didn’t bother to think it through?

The screen has static at first until a distorted scene appears. A first person view of someone in the middle of what seems like a warzone, yet images being warped or jump cutting to different scenes of the battlefield. Other gems come into view, panicking and running, then a bright flash of light before the screen turns to black.

"What is this?" Yellow Diamond said impatiently.


I’m sorry, but Yellow Diamond responding with confusion to getting a montage of the war on Earth culminating in the Diamond attack, is like President Truman watching Hiroshima getting nuked and going, “What was that?”

Emerald stutter to try and think of an answer, but Jack speaks up.

"The corruption. I believe we were getting view through Labradorite's eyes, but due to her corruption, her memories are scrambled, making it difficult to get a proper view."

Jack, the only reason that you are right, is because the author makes you right. Like with your plan making, you are coming from a position of total lack of authority. You had no association with gems were before you got Labradorite embedded in your chest, and you haven’t even had time to see if it gave you powers. You sure as shit don’t know anything about corruption, so don’t talk about it like you do.

As Jack explains, the monitor turns on again, once again a first person view, but of a scenario Jack recognizes. The screen showed his view when he was running away from the corrupted gem, only for his chest to soon be slashed open and forcibly fused with the gem.

"Corruption...I see." Yellow Diamond seems to ponder at this news before looking directly at Jack. "Rose Quartz, what can you tell us?"

You mean that the whole animo thing amounted to stuff that either Jack could have told them, or could have been inferred from said explanation? This was all just so that Jack could snuggle with a homeworld gem?

As she asks the question, Jack didn't need to answer as the monitor shows him talking to Steven, his father, and the Crystal Gems, getting every detail of what he heard about Rose, who she was, her actions, and her son.

"Her gem exists, but her physical being gone, it sounds impossible, yet here we have it." Yellow Diamond says mostly to herself. As the images play to Jack, he clenches his fist as one scene keeps replaying, the gems abandoning him.

I too hate it, when movies do flashbacks to things that happened just minutes ago.

Feelings of betrayal well up in him before he pushes the scanner away from his gem.

"Well don't worry, if they're so intent on living on Earth, I hope they enjoy a barren wasteland."

"A wasteland? But isn't Earth full of humans like you?" Diopside asked curiously.

"There is only one me, but yes there are other humans, and that's the problem. Humanity is killing the planet."

Oh no, not this shit again. This misanthropic perspective that the author pushed with Maxwell in The Human With a Gem. “Humans are bad! The planet is a wasteland of pain and suffering! Boohoo, I’m going to justify my angst with a depressive worldview!” Author, not only does this sadness mongering thought process ignore everything good existing in the world, but in the world of Steven Universe no such impression has been given. It’s Homeworld that are killing planets, you dolt.

Yellow Diamond looked at him with curiosity, seeing the anger and spite in his voice over his own planet and the gems who protect it. "Care to explain?"

"I'd be honored."

Care for a soapbox to stand on, author-- I mean, Jack?

Jack grumbles as he takes the scanner and puts it to his gem once more. "While the Earth is full of resources, humanity has been abusing it." The screen shows many images of humans cutting down forests, slaughtering animals, polluting bodies of water, and leaving waste in massive landfills. "Greed has consumed human nature, to the point where we poison our own food and advertise it relentlessly to gain more wealth, even if it means destroying the health of children." The screen shows how food is given strange intelligible ingredients, large amounts of sugar, and causing fatal obesity. "Millions of people are divided over race, religion, and rights, to the point where if we were to go to war, it could mean the end of billions." Scenes flashing of snippets of human news, nuclear bombs, and the feared mushroom cloud, then a sweeping view of what the atom bomb was capable of destroying. "And even if humans somehow don't kill each other, their is always the supervolcano. A humongous magma chamber underneath the earth's crust, ready to burst through and destroy a large part of civilization at any moment according to scientists." Final scenes on the monitor of scientific data showing the existence of said volcano, and how the natural disaster could occur at anytime.


If you point out every bad and horrible thing in human history, of course humans are going to look like assholes. Human conflict is ugly. Human nature is selfish. And yes, human civilization is prone to extinction by natural events, and fast-food induced obesity I guess, although I have no idea how this is relevant. I’ll be the first to admit all of these things. But I’m not one to ignore how much we’re trying to improve, and how much good we do. For every war fought, there are multiple ones that were avoided through peaceful negotiation. For every injustice done, there has been a rally to mitigate it. If I pointed to every puppy raised in a good home, or every penny donated to charity, humans would look like saints. Worst about Jack’s entire ‘humans are scum’ argument here, is that he’s telling this to Yellow Diamond – the gem matriarch in charge of literally hollowing out planets for their resources. If humans are as bad as Jack says, which I doubt in the case of Steven Universe’s humans, then at least they only have one planet to ruin. Homeworld has been doing this for millennia.

Diopside was holding Jack closer, seemingly worried about the news he shared. Emerald was stunned at just what was really occurring on the planet she previously assumed was nothing but a land of savages. Yellow Diamond though was difficult to read, her face expressionless at this information.

"...you know, I have heard that you don't necessarily like the Crystal Gems." Jack smirks slightly as he looks to Yellow Diamond. "Sure you could use your fleet to destroy them now, but where is the fun in that?"

For fuck’s sake, Jack. The gems didn’t stab you in the back, they left you behind during their escape from the enemy flagship, because you got caught and weren’t aboard the escape craft. You don’t know if they’re planning a rescue attempt or not, and yet you’re practically volunteering to split the planet in half for their mistake. This is some of the most juvenile, petty, closeminded, and knee-jerk resentment I’ve ever seen.

He pats Diopide's arms and gets down onto his feet, walking closer to the diamond, a devious smile etched onto him. "Wouldn't it be more satisfying to wait in the safety of Homeworld, and once the Earth has killed itself, go over to the Crystal Gems and really rub it in their face that they failed in protecting the Earth? That Homeworld didn't have to step in, because the life they were trying to protect has already destroyed themselves and their home."

You’re kind of missing the point, Jack. Homeworld isn’t trying to destroy humanity. They are trying to gather resources, which will have the consequence of destroying humanity. This is like baiting a logging company into waiting for wildlife to go extinct, just so they can rub it in the faces of animal rights activists, before they tear down the empty rainforest.

Jack leaned against the wall as he let his plan sink in. Yellow Diamond gave a small smile before picking up Jack gently and putting him the palm of her hand. "I never thought a human would be capable of thinking up a plan like that."

"Oh please, I'm far more than a human now." Jack proudly states as he rubs the gem in his chest.

You were subhuman even before you spoke those words, Jack, and now you’re even less so. You’re a disgusting character, and that’s not usually something I say so bluntly.

"I see that now...I will give your plan a chance, and speak to the other Diamond of it." She pets his head lightly with a finger, making him blush slightly, before setting him back down on the ground. "Emerald, make sure to put down everything he said into our intel banks. Diopside, from now on you are to accompany...Jack...at all times, protect him if necessary."

“Hug him, pat his head, cater to his mommy fetish, whatever the author desires.”

Diopside beams happily before saluting. "Thank you my Diamond, I will not fail you."

"I would hope not. Jack of the Labradorite, I welcome you to the colony." Yellow Diamond announced, to the sheer shock of every gem who heard her.

Must be because she doesn’t know what the fuck a colony is – and she’s the one in charge of making them.

Jack didn't know what it was about the declaration, but it made him feel...powerful, safe, a part of a large picture. He tried to do the salute as well and smiled at the Diamond. "Thank you my Diamond, I am honoured, and I promise to be a great asset to you and all of Homeworld."

When Jack looks out at the vast darkness of space, he didn't feel alone, because he knew out there were more allies of the great empire he was a part of now. It seems Jack's luck was finally turning around.

If that’s all he ever wanted, maybe he should have tried browsing some internet messaging boards before literally selling out his entire race.


Already I’m dreading the absolute idiocy that can only follow. Jack is now a Homeworld soldier. He has made himself an enemy of his own race. And he likes that. I’d possibly have less of a gripe with it though, if the author would bother to establish anything. We don’t know jack about Jack. He’s got bad luck. He’s sixteen. He’s touchy about milk supply and probably waxes himself with peanut butter. That’s it. No motivations, no personal goals, no relationships – nothing. Other than being a mouthpiece for the author’s gripes about society, what personality does he have? It felt rushed, like the author couldn’t get to this exact point fast enough. Hopefully that means the story will be more thorough from here on out, but I doubt it.

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Re: Jack and Gems

Post by GorillaGamer » Thu Nov 29, 2018 12:54 am

I swear this author got all his writing skills from the MLP fanfic community; between all the whinging about MUH EVUL HOUMANS, the sloppy prose, and the unlikable protagonist named Jack, which seems to be the default name for all these self-inserts. Which given the whole controversy surrounding the "feud" between fans of MLP and SU, isn't all that surprising.
Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
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Gorillagram only gets sexual stimulation from playing Pokemon Reborn and its derivatives.
A quote from Andrew himself

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Re: Jack and Gems

Post by StabbyKobold » Mon Dec 10, 2018 1:01 pm

I agree, GorillaGamer, the similarities are uncanny. But I can't definitely point to MLP as the culprit. Only one out of the 150+ stories favorited by the author is an MLP story, and it's smut, so I doubt it snuck into his anime-centric echo-chamber on little more than a fluke. I'm not familiar with the "feud", but given the most noticeable parts of either fandom, I'm not surprised one occurred.

Jack is now in the enemy camp. Not infiltrating, not spying, not on a bloody conjugal visit either. He has actually defected to Homeworld and is now an enemy of all organic life. And he did it out of spite and, if this chapter is any indication, for fringe benefits. Enjoy.


Chapter 2: Successors

2 Earth months later.

Unless you establish the length of a space month, I think we can infer the contextual timeframe.

During Jack's new life as a part of the colony, he unknowingly began to make a name for himself. Although, news of a human joining Homeworld would of course bring attention. Despite the colony being spread out across galaxies, word still spreads fast.

For fuck’s sake, author. Homeworld is the seat of power for the Gem Empire. It’s not a colony, it HAS colonies. Do you think the British Empire was considered a single colony?

Many speculated who Jack was, did he have control over the Labradorite, what was his relation with the Diamonds, was he truly an ally or a spy?

I don’t think even Jack knows the answers.

Jack ignored these questions altogether, stating only that he was loyal to the Diamonds and would do what is necessary to help the colony thrive. Alongside him was the kind Diopside, who he later learned was facet 5M4D cut 2ZE yet continued to refer to her only as Diopside for simplicity. Diopside evidently showed a caring nature for Jack, protective even as she seemed on edge whenever other gems were at a distance close enough to attack him.

Stay tuned for the thrilling adventures of Jack “Race Traitor” Divinos and his waifu rock.

Although she would have to hold herself back for Jack's training. On the colonized planet of Erythron, Jack currently undergoes a new training regimen to harness the power within his gem, and surpass the limits of the human body.

Great, another story with a selfish, transhumanist protagonist. Far be it for the author to innovate.

"Oof!" Jack grunts in pain as he finds himself flat on his back again, his cheek stinging and tasting blood in his mouth. He currently was wearing a sleeveless yellow and white striped tank top with a black x across it, with the three diamond insignia on the front, and dark blue pants. It wasn't easy finding human clothes to wear, considering the most Homeworld ever made for a human zoo, which Jack fortunately did not have to be a part of, but the material was easy enough to replicate using their superior technology and using his memories of clothing.

As if there was any doubt that this fashion nightmare was of his own making.

While the top wasn't very fashionable, it at least showed where his loyalties lied. Maybe once he rose in rank he could have it changed into something better, but for now this would have to do for his current status as a gem in training.

Rising in rank? Did the author completely miss the fact that gem hierarchy is static? Quartzes are soldiers, hessonites are commanders, diamonds are rulers; nothing will change these facts, which makes even the concept of training a moot point. If a quartz pops out of the ground without the ability to fight, then they are faulty and are to be purged. Jack himself should have been treated the same, and Labradorite ripped from his chest rather than attempting to fit him into a system that abhors aberrations.

"Don't tell me you're tired already?" Said the taunting tone of his current trainer, a Rutile Topaz. She stretches her well defined arms and legs, her skin so white it was almost see through, wearing a black colored combat uniform with white outlining, her pear shaped gem adorned on her right hand. She claims all of her long flowing hair was gold, but some have said to have found bronze and silver colored strands. Do not be fooled though by her beautiful features and voluptuous form, because this topaz is a powerful warrior who can crush gems with her bare hands, and the axe she wields is no joke either.

Author, I’m not interested in your personal rock collection, nor do I want to know what you do with them on lonely nights.

Fortunately she was doing only hand to hand combat with Jack for now, as he cannot summon his gem weapon yet.

"Well sorry miss perfect. It took long enough for me to get used to the fact that I don't need oxygen to survive anymore, but it's still tough to fight with the stupid gravity of this planet, it's twice the pressure my body is used to."

Sure, just casually dismiss the weakness that even the actual gem hybrid of the show possesses. We couldn’t possibly let Jack have a human weakness, right?

"Excuses excuses, keep on flapping your lips and your enemy will get the drop on you." Rutile jumps into the air before diving to kick the human. Jack quickly rolls out of the way and pushes himself up.

"Woohoo! Go Jack!" Diopside can be heard cheering for him on the sidelines along with other gems who train under the topaz.

Don’t they have things to do? Or other trainers to train under? This hardly seems like efficient resource management.

Jack presses his hand to the gem on his chest before looking to Rutile as the dust settles. He runs headfirst over to her, swinging his fists in an attempt to inflict damage on her, but she only dodged with ease.

"Come on human, gotta be quicker than that!" She grabs Jack's arm and flips him onto the ground. Her words ringing in his head as he lies on the ground in pain. Rutile smirks as she picks him up by the collar to make him stand up. "Alright, how about this? If you can land one blow on me, I'll do whatever you want for 24 hours."

Would this be in Earth hours or space hours?

"Pfft, if the human can get a hit in, I'll eat a boulder." A Carnelian says in a joking manner alongside the others.

Come on Jack, you gotta be faster. Gotta be quick. Jack be nimble. Jack be quick. The words echo in Jack's mind as he raises his fists.

I’m not surprised, that someone as self-absorbed as Jack would find motivation in an old nursery rhyme, just because it has his name in it.

He steadies himself before running toward the Topaz, his body becoming lighter and faster. The Labradorite sparks in his chest, his heart pumping faster, new blood pumping through his body. His legs become a blur of speed before Jack jumps into the air. Rutile looked in awe before trying to dodge, but Jack swoops down and delivers multiple speedy punches to the gem's gut. One punch was weaker than his normal strikes, but with a bombardment of his fists, it was more than enough to compensate for the power drop.


Labradorite finally activates at the behest of Jack’s half-assed mental efforts, and what does it do? I makes him faster. Got any other generic super powers you need to get off your sock puppet’s chest, author?

As the surge of speed goes down, Max is panting heavily as he looks at his instructor, who currently had her arms up, guarding herself. Her arms were visibly scratched up by his attacks, and slowly lower to reveal the smiling Topaz. "Nice job kid, you managed to hit me."

“Although, it seems a bit convenient that you would succeed right after being promised the reward of my submission to your every whim. Curious, that.”

"To be fair, you were able to block them." Jack smiles back, and looks to see some gems egging on the Carnelian to eat some nearby rock on the ground. "You know, I won't make you serve me, I don't think I necessarily earned it yet. Besides, I don't want gems talking behind my back and saying I've risen in status or something."

You’d much rather have them say it to your face.

"You're a weird person, but I like it. How about I just owe you a favor?"

"Deal." The two go to shake hands but then hear a slow clapping nearby. The gems disperse to see a new gem emerge. With a golden gem where her left eye would be and pale yellow colors adorning her body, she walks closer to Jack and Rutile. She was an obvious quartz gem, with the intimidating air around her, toned upper body and powerful legs, yet also carried a distinct sense of success and higher ranking. A smug smile on her thin lips as she directs her attention to Rutile.

I would have expected an Agate, since Holly Blue pretty much showed herself to be a menace to the quartz soldiers at the human zoo. But fine, let’s see what gem the author has wedged into the arrogant, disdainful antagonist role.

"I'm surprised by you, a powerful warrior like you losing to a human? I thought when you popped out of the ground that you would be better than that."

"Hey that's not fair, she didn't lose, we ended the fight because I just tagged her." Jack objected, only for the gem to coldly stare at him.

"Quiet beast, the better race is talking."

"Citrine, you and I both know he's part gem. He has just as much right to talk as you and I." Rutile speaks defensively, stepping a little in front of Jack.

There’s no need to defend Jack on this point. Going by everything he’s said and done up until now, he totally agrees with Citrine.

"Right?" Citrine's eye widens before she sweeps Rutile's leg, knocking her over, then stepping onto her head. "What do you know about rights!? You are nothing compared to me! I am the rarest of quartz! Created specifically to bring the success of Homeworld's armies! You are nothing compared to me!"

Should I be making a list of fetishes to spot in this story? I feel like I should.

Before she could slam her foot harder on the Topaz's head, a stone hits the back of her head. She looks menacingly to see Jack holding a few pebbles in his hand. "Leave now. If it's a fight you want, I will ask Yellow Diamond personally to have an arena set up for us to duel. One on one, no holds barred."

Because sanctioning your soldiers to fight each other is such a smart military move.

"J-jack, don't…" Rutile weakly protested, but Citrine only guffawed loudly before kicking her to the side.

"I'll make sure you're humiliated human...very well. If you can miraculously convince our Diamond, we will duel. Just understand you have no chance of winning."

Meaning the odds are totally not in your favor, Not-Jasper.

"A...human with a Labradorite intertwined with its being? If you didn't have the physical evidence, I'd say time has driven you insane Yellow." The melodious and playful voice of White Diamond echoes in the room, accompanied by only her fellow Diamonds. Of course their were the pearls, but they rarely made a difference. White Diamond was just as tall as her sisters, with spiky yet also luxurious looking white hair on her head, hypnotizing half lidded eyes accentuated by her shining gem on her forehead.

Any excuse to throw in a beautiful woman, huh, author? While certain assumptions could certainly have been made about White at the point that this story was written, I’m afraid you’re about twenty feet and several brightness levels short.

In the massive room she was currently conversing with Yellow and Blue Diamond about the new addition to their colony. "It had been many years since the formation of a Labradorite, I didn't think we had the materials for it."

Do you have a purpose for it, is the real question. We hear plenty talk about Labradorite being rare, but nothing about what it’s for.

"We don't. It apparently was on Earth during the war, but became corrupted with the rest of the stragglers." Yellow Diamond lets Blue compose herself, a tear escaping her eye at the mention of Earth, but allowing Yellow to continue. "I don't know how it survived out there for so long, but soon enough it revealed itself and attached itself to this Jack human."

"Interesting. If the gem is still active in the human's body, then we truly have a valuable asset to our side." White Diamond smiles as she looks at the holographic images displayed of Jack and the gem in his chest.


Do you? So far, all I can see is that a corrupt Homeworld soldier has gotten a piece of meat stuck to it, and the meat thinks it’s special for it. There is a logical hurdle in this, author, namely the fact that the diamonds are already decreeing Jack’s combining with Labradorite as a benefit. It means that they already knew such a thing was possible and produced favorable results. If forcing gems to meld with organic beings is beneficial to the gem empire, then why isn’t it a mandatory process for everyone?

Blue Diamond however was more curious to the human, a fragile looking being yet very devious. "Should we really give up on Earth as he says? I'm not sure if I can believe that they're capable of destroying their own planet."

"I went through all of his memories with the Amino technology, he speaks the truth. Even if it difficult to believe, some scouts have searched the planet and found violent volcanic activity. If the humans don't destroy it, this 'supervolcano' will do just fine."

And what about the Cluster? Giant geo-weapon of millions of shattered gems incubating inside the Earth? The thing that would rip the planet apart should it emerge and take form? Ring any bells?! You fucking made that thing!

"A shame, the humans are such a fun race." Blue sighs sadly, only for White to put a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry, you still have plenty at the zoo, and now we have a new human."

"I suppose you're right, but is it safe among the other gems, what if they hurt him?"

"Oh please, I'm sure he'll be fine."

Contrived joke due to timing in three, two…

The entrance to the room opens though as a grumbling human walks in despite a Diopside and a lightly bruised Rutile Topaz trying to talk him out of something.

"Please Jack, this is a danger to your health." Diopside pleaded.

"I'm not gonna let some Yellow Diamond wanna be, hurt my mentor and walk away with it. That Citrine is going down!"

Pro tip, Jack. If you’re going to stand up to a bully, maybe you shouldn’t compare them to the person you’re going to ask for help in the matter; especially within her earshot.

"It's fine, I get hurt all the time, you don't have to do this."

"I know how bullies work, you let them walk all over you once, they'll do it over and over unless you show you can stand up for yourself and fight back."

And then you move to a beachside town to escape from them?

"Okay but the Diamonds won't let...you..fight." Rutile and Diopside look to see the three Diamonds staring boredly at them. The two immediately salute in a terrified manner. "My Diamonds! I- we're so sorry to interrupt b-but"

"Okay this is getting nowhere," Jack decided to intervene and waves at the three giant gems.

There’s being impatient, and then there’s jumping the gun before it’s loaded. How about you don’t outright dismiss your friends’ attempts at not getting reprimanded by their superiors, Jack?

"Yes, hello there, pleasure to meet all three beautiful Diamonds in one room, and sorry to interrupt. I'm just looking for permission to use an area for an arena to beat up this Citrine who was being quite rude to me and my mentor." Diopside and Rutile looked at Jack as if he was insane for talking to them so casually.

Imagine being a tourist at the White House, and you barge into the Oval Office to ask the president to set up a boxing ring on the front lawn so you can teach a mouthy security guard a lesson. That’s pretty much this situation.

"What? Do I got something on my face? Whoa!" Jack yelps in surprise as he's picked up by the back of his shirt by Yellow Diamond and presented to the other two Diamonds.

"This is the human I was speaking of, Jack, with the Labradorite infused with his body." She sets him stand on her raised right hand, and uses her left to lift his shirt and show the blue gem on his chest, inadvertently causing him to blush furiously, still not being used to having his shirt lifted so casually.

Why didn’t you just get a cut in your shirt that shows the gem, so you don’t have to be a self-conscious display piece all the time?

"Well now I can say for sure that what you're saying is true." White Diamond smirks as she walks over and stares curiously before gently rubbing the gem with her relatively large finger, causing Jack to make an unmanly but cute squeak in surprise. "Adorable~ I didn't know humans were capable of such sounds."

“It’s usually just ‘squish’ whenever I step on one.”

"I-I don't normally make sounds like that, I w-was surprised." He blushes harder until he finally takes his shirt down.

Blue Diamond giggles softly and rubs his head gently with her hand. "Since when can humans change color?"

Since the author decided that every leader of the gem empire suddenly has the need to be maternally doting on his Marty Stu protagonist.

"M-my Diamonds please. I'm h-here under different circumstances, n-not to be played with like a pet." He clears his throat to try and get rid of his stutter. "A Citrine gem has striked my mentor and insulted me for being a part of the colony. I declared that I would battle her and force her to apologize to Rutile Topaz and me for her actions."

"A Citrine? Most are generally prideful, even to the point of considering themselves second only to Diamonds." Yellow Diamond explained as she looked to Max.

Which goes so well in a strict hierarchical system that designates quartz gems as grunt soldiers.

"But that pride does not come from nowhere, they are powerful quartz warriors, and generally bring success wherever they go. To battle one can be considered suicide.

"Maybe so, but I believe she was insulting your decision to let me join. She said clearly that I don't belong with Homeworld's army. This Citrine is going too far by bullying others and questioning your judgement, I beg of you to give me a chance to defeat her with an audience to see so that she will know her place."

Everyone knows you’ve got to pick a fight with the biggest motherfucker you can find on the first day in prison-- I mean, when you defect to the enemy’s side.

Jack knew it was dangerous to twist around the truth and make Citrine seem more of a problem, but he felt this would be the only way to take down that gem and also prove himself to many gems that he belongs.

"Hmm...I see what you mean by smart." White Diamond says with a devious grin, looking to Yellow and nodding. Blue seemed nervous of the prospect of their new human getting hurt, but felt she could trust her sisters.

Yellow nods slowly before looking to Jack. "Very well, you may have a place to battle. I will have my architects find or create a suitable yet simple arena for you. Citrine will be notified as well."


Sure, let’s waste precious resources on the Marty Stu having a battle of dominance, with what I’m going to assume is either his soon-to-be third gem waifu or a lusterless pebble to be ignored henceforth. You can’t convince me there is a third category when it comes to the author’s original characters.

Jack smiles wide before regaining his composure and saluting to the Diamonds. "Thank you my Diamonds." He walks by the astonished Diopside and Rutile before pulling them out of the room.

86400 seconds, or one Earth day later…

Can you guess for how many Earth seconds this gag was funny?

The architect gems finished marking an open area with zero hazards or environmental advantages besides the soil on the ground. Many seats were filled with various gems who were curious to see the throwdown between the Diamond chosen human, and the powerful Citrine. Said yellow gem was already in the marked battle circle, a smug grin on her face and waiting for the human.

"Please! You don't have to do this."

Words that should have been said to Jack on a daily basis ever since he joined with the Crystal Gems.

"Yes I do Diopside. I already got the Diamond's permission, and there is already a crowd waiting. I can't back out now." He looks to the big gem and sees her tearing up slightly. "I promise you in the name of the Diamonds that I won't die, I'll still be here with you."

"*Hic* o-okay...it's just, you're the nicest person I ever got to be with. Most call me an airhead or that I'm too soft...but you instead are so kind." She hugs him tightly, accidentally pressing his face into her bosom.

Are you so desperate for tit titillation that you have to force in a bimbo rock into your story and have your cock proxy break his nose against a purposeless aesthetic of her physical form, author?

"I-it's okay Diopside...I like that y-you're soft and kind. You made me feel welcomed into the colony, like I truly was a part of Homeworld. But now it's my turn to help, by defending others from punks like Citrine." He escapes the hug and smiles at Diopside before going to the arena.

"Wait!" Rutile comes over and puts a hand on his shoulder. "I know I can't stop you, but at least let me help." She bends down to his height and kisses his forehead, causing Jack to blush once more, which seems to be a trend.

Having any other reaction is clearly beyond his abilities.

"W-what was that?"

"A Rutile Topaz or Quartz can amplify the power of a gem temporarily through close contact. A Quartz can only help other Quartz, but a Topaz like me can help others like you."

I hope this is just Rutile Topaz trying to invoke the placebo effect, because the alternative would mean that every battle involving Homeworld soldiers would be initiated with forehead smooching.

"I-...thank you Rutile, I swear I won't lose." He gives a thumbs up to the two gems before walking into the drawn circle, his focus on Citrine.

"So you really showed up? Well at least now I can humiliate you in front of all these gems. The Diamonds will learn that they were wrong to let a human into our ranks."

Author, the very thought that a diamond would be wrong about something would be tantamount to blasphemy. How could you not be getting this “like gods” thing you mentioned last chapter?

Jack chuckles softly. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say this was more about some dumb affinity you have for the Diamonds. Sorry to say, but the reality is...they like me more than you." He smirks at the Citrine's infuriated expression.

She raises her hand to the gem where her eyes should be and slowly draws out a long deadly scythe. "I have shattered many enemies with my weapon, you will join them soon." She dashes toward Jack before jumping up into the air, swinging her scythe in a downward arc.

I’m surprised. The author managed to give Citrine a weapon that perfectly matches her character – threatening of appearance but ultimately impractical and utterly cliché.

"Jack be nimble, Jack be quick." He whispers to himself as his gem flashes a small light in his chest, allowing the human to reach incredible speed and dodge the attack with ease. "See this? I'm far too fast for you. With this skill, I know I can win."

"You mean you bet on the fight using only that skill?!" Rutile yelled from the sidelines.


It will be a cold day in hell before Jack makes any kind of rational decision.

While distracted, Citrine trips Jack over using the end of the handle, causing him to fall and skid across the dirt.

Citrine walks over to the downed human and raises her weapon once more. "Any last words?"

Ah, the good old ‘inviting defeat by hubris’ staple of villain taunts.

"Uh, time for my other special skill, RUN AND SCREAM!" He rolls out of the way of the scythe, at least not before the blade caught his shirt and ripped if off. Now the audience watched the humorous scene of a topless human male running and screaming while an angry Citrine tries to cut him down. "AH! RUN AND SCREAM MORE!"

Is it a wonder Garnet didn’t want you along for their mission, Jack?

Jack could feel himself running out of stamina and knew he needed a way to take out his opponent without a weapon. The he looked at his tattered shirt and smiles before diving for it.

"Stay still and shatter!"

"How about NO!" Jack grabs the fabric and uses his speed boost again before wrapping the cloth around the gem's useable eye.

"Hey what's going on? I can't see!"

“Egads! Have I gone blind?! What is this mysterious malady that has befallen me?!”

"Things you should know about humans, one, we like to make use of our surroundings." Using this to his advantage, he rushes at Citrine and uses the power boost Rutile gave him as he lifts her up into the air. "Two, we're very stubborn." He takes hold of her leg and starts spinning her around as fast as he can. "AND THREE, F*** YOU!"

Oh, sure, when those qualities makes us destroy the planet, you sell out your entire race. But the minute it wins you a fight, it’s suddenly a good thing.

With that said, he throws her out of the circle and into the dirt. "Take that into account when you're fighting someone like me, who's now stronger than a human." The crowd cheers eagerly at the victorious human, Rutile fist pumping in the air and Diopside crying happily. Jack smiles widely, singing "We are the Champions" to himself.

"ENOUGH!" Everyone looks to see Citrine on her feet and angrier than ever.

"Aw, why do you gotta ruin the fun? Look, it was a good game but you were thrown out of bounds. If that was a cliff, you'd be done for."

Did you ever actually establish the rules of the battle? Just because there’s a circle on the floor doesn’t mean there is an out of bounds clause.

"Silence you animal. You think I care about the arena rules? No, all that matters is that you perish!" She summons her scythe before going at Jack hacking and slashing at the air as he barely manages to dodge, his skin getting cut left and right, openly bleeding.

Thank you for clarifying; I was fully convinced a scythe would cause internal bleeding.

"Hey that's not fair!" The crowd heckles Citrine, Rutile and other Quartz gems trying to stop her, and Diopside going to Jack.

"Are you okay?" She says in a panicky voice as she hugs him, trying to use her energy to heal him. While he was definitely re energized, her healing could healing couldn't fully heal his cuts, but at least stop the bleeding.

If only it could stop the hemorrhaging grammar. I hate it when and author doesn’t even bother with a re-read before uploading their work.

"I'll be fine. I told you I'd win." He chuckles softly but then blushes as Diopside kisses his forehead. The two smile at each other until it happened. A horrific image staining itself into Jack's mind as Diopside is decapitated. Her head and body dissipate into the air, leaving only her gem on the ground. Jack fell onto his knees and looks beyond the gem to see an angry panting Citrine, and the gems that tried to hold her back now on the ground in pain.

Can you write anything other than clichés, author? We all know it’s a rage-fueled super power reveal that’s coming next, fucking anyone could write this shit!

"Now that she's out of the way, it's your turn." She raises her scythe and swings once more in a horizontal arc, only for Jack to catch the blade with an open palm and grab onto it. Citrine struggles to take back her scythe, looking at the blood ooze out of his hand onto the blade. Jack glares at her intensely, his gem glowing brightly in his chest, and strangely a blue light coursing from his chest to the rest of his body. Beneath the skin, his gem infused heart pumps a strange new blood through his veins, his eyes glowing a bright blue, his veins visibly shining through his skin with the gem colored blood.

How does getting a gem embedded in your chest equate to having a super serum dispenser hooked up to your bloodstream?

The red blood on the blade now mixes with the newly flowing blue one. His open wounds rapidly heal until they seem to have never happened. Jack stands up and tosses Citrine's scythe to the side. His hands reach toward his chest, his gem glowing even brighter before two long daggers flash into his hands. The handles jet black with dark blue lines reaching from the bottom of the blade to the end of the handle. The blades themselves incredibly sharp, especially the tip. It's curved shape near the top classifies it as more than just an ordinary knife, but an athame.

An athame is a ceremonial knife meant for witchcraft. That’s as far as I care to look into it. At least, the fact that I need to look it up means that it’s a first for me. So, be proud, author. You’ve found a new way to be an edgelord. Now, can you also have it make sense that Jack uses these dinky daggers?

Jack's stare never wavered from the Citrine as he brandishes the weapons.

"Y-you think just by having a weapon, that makes you any stronger?! It doesn't! You're nothing compared to me!" Citrine raises her hand and wills the scythe back to her. She reels back and tries to slash at Jack multiple times, but he dodges every swing with ease before making a quick slash at the air. Everything was silent for a moment before the shaft of the scythe is cut clean in half. "I-Impossible."

"You harmed my allies, now you must pay. I am Jack Divinos, the wielder of the Wizard's stone, Labradorite."


Well, someone is suddenly well-informed. This just spells all kinds of dumb, and really reveals the contrivance of all this. Labradorite is indeed associated with magic, you know, if you draw from the same knowledge pool of woo as crystal healing and chakra alignment. I think the author’s thought process was something like this: “Gee, wouldn’t it be cool if my protagonist could be a gem hybrid that uses magic? Giving him Wicca knives would be pretty awesome, too. What gem stones are associated with magic? Labradorite? Alright, but how am I going to have it end up embedded in his body? Labradorite… Labrador… dogs like peanut butter, bingo, done deal. I’ll just chalk it all up to bad luck rather than giving valid reasons that will rule out how he’s just a bumbling idiot.”

My thoughts get a bit cynical at the end, but you probably get my point. Everything up until now has pretty much been an exercise in shoehorning and riding on clichés to achieve this scene’s climax. I can’t blame him for being eager, but all this happens already at the second chapter of his story. In Harry Potter, the word magic had yet to be mentioned at this point. In Lord of the Rings, Frodo had yet to leave the Shire. In Twilight, Edward was still just Bella’s creepy lab partner, so even bad fiction can get this right. To call this author’s work rushed would be an understatement. The first chapter alone gave only a minimal summary of Jack’s life and then threw him from one band of alien rocks to the other with barely anything but thin excuses. Establishment is fucking key, author. Your protagonist could very well be an interesting character, but if you don’t work to establish it, he’ll only remain so in your own head.

Citrine only growls angrily before running toward Jack to attack him with her bare hands. Jack raises both daggers before slashing in an X shaped pattern in the air, causing a glowing red X to form and blast through the gem. Citrine was still with eyes wide open before violently dissipating, her gem falling onto the ground.

The audience was astonished before cheering loudly for Jack, being victorious in battle. Jack's body slowly returns to normal, the blue light in his body gone, possibly his heart returning to giving regular blood.

I guess Labradorite only carries a limited supply of Kool-Aid.

Exhausted from the immense boost of power, he falls onto his knees and picks up Diopside's gem, hugging it close. Rutile comes over and puts a hand on his shoulder. "It's gonna be okay, she'll come back soon. It normally takes at least a few hours for Diopsides to return to physical form." Jack nods slowly as he hugs the gem close to his body.

From afar, the live video of the victorious human was watched by the three Diamonds, all of whom were absorbing this new information.

What rulers needs to spend their time running their empire anyways?

"So the Labradorite is active, and impressively gives quite the boost in combat abilities." Yellow Diamond confirmed casually.

White Diamond giggles lightly as she looks at the screen. "What did he call it though? The Wizard's Stone? Humans come up with the silliest of names for things."

“Next you’ll tell me they named a breed of domesticated canines after it.”

"Although, their definition of a wizard is not too far off from what a Labradorite is capable of." Blue Diamond explains. "In the past, some showed strange abilities of strange kinesis abilities, such as levitating objects, changing matter into different forms, even the ability to peer into weaker minds."

Telekinesis, transmutation, and mind reading. The list of arbitrarily chosen super powers grows, and I expect it won’t ever stop.

"They sound dangerous as an enemy, but an essential ally. Jack doesn't know how to fully control his abilities, but by serving the empire he will not only grow stronger, but closer into our grasp." Yellow responds more to herself, thinking out loud of her plans for this human. The three look curiously as they replay the fight on the screen, seeing the ferocious power revealed deep in his eyes.

Hopefully, Jack’s animal magnetism will cause the gem empire to implode on itself, since every female pronoun carrying creature so far has done nothing but give him their full attention.


Apparently Jack’s chest piercing is more magical than other gems. In fact, it’s so magical, it’s got multiple powers for no other reason than the author really wants them for his protagonist. At least it seems Earth won’t be involved in whatever Jack ends up doing to satisfy his need for validation, so there’s that.

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Re: Jack and Gems

Post by StabbyKobold » Tue Dec 25, 2018 8:03 am

I would like to preface this chapter by defining the overarching theme exhibited by the author’s attempts at crafting a narrative. Today’s topic is the term “white knight”. Often used derogatorily, the term is usually applied to a person who leaps to the defense of – or takes offense at the behalf of – other people that they perceive to have been wronged. Connotatively tied to the ideas of chivalry and defending those unable to fend for themselves, being a “white knight” is perceived as idealistic to those who act on these grounds.

However, pretty much everyone else sees these things as selfish acts of virtue signaling and, at worst, hypocritical, patronizing, and sinister in context of having ulterior motives. As a hypothetical, let’s say some wannabe edgelord with a serious case of virgin wanted to send the message out, that he was totally down with women being strong, independent, and in no way holding less value to that of men. At the same time as doing this, he would jump at every opportunity to defend said women, when they are confronted with problems, that he’d let any random man deal with on their own. This double standard of having your gender-equality and disproving it too is exactly what the author exhibits in this chapter. Enjoy.


Chapter 3: Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

1 week later

Well, now you just have me confused. Did you get as tired of that joke as I was, author?

Jack's week went by admittedly very smoothly. When Diopside reformed he immediately hugged her close, apologizing profusely, only for her to hug him back and comfort him, knowing it wasn't his fault at all and easing his guilt. Her form hadn't changed much, although he has found it easier to take a nap with her in his arms or using her as a pillow.

Now, I’m not going to say that the author is a fedora tipping basement dweller who owns or wishes that he owns a collection of bodypillows. I’m not. His portrayal of Diopside is doing it for me.

His training has been improving exponentially, now that he can summon his weapons to give more of a fight to Rutile, yet was nowhere near the strength he used against Citrine. Speaking of which, Citrine was demoted for her disorderly conduct, and was sent to another planet to watch over the kindergartens instead of allowing her to work on her own.

I do so like it when my predictions come true. I’m not sure if that speaks to the lacking originality of the author, or my experience with reading said trash.

Jack gained a more positive reputation among gems, especially those that were forced to deal with Citrine on numerous occasions. Everything seemed just fine for Jack when it came to the Homeworld colony, but who says they are alone in the universe?

No one. No one says that. Jack least of all. I don’t think I have to point out why.

Jack awoke from his after training nap to a large commotion. Near the training field were many gems huddled around a trio of fear driven gem. One was an Onyx with her gem on her chest, retelling some story to the crowd, one gem was a Ruby with her gem on her right cheek, sitting down and hugging her knees, a teary expression adorning her face. Lastly was an Amethyst with her gem on her stomach, sitting next to the Ruby and trying to help her stay calm.

Mind establishing anything else than a singular plane for these surroundings? Does Jack just sleep on top of Diopside next to this place?

"Alright break it up, what's going on here?" Rutile pushes past the other gems and looks at the three in the middle, Jack walking behind her, curious to what was happening.

"Onyx, leader of scouting squad X-10 reporting in. While scouring a nearby planet, my squad was ambushed by Gastroliths." The surrounding gems gasp in fear, cries of outrage and fear growing until Rutile silences them.

"Enough! Onyx, this is a very serious claim, are you sure these were Gastroliths?"


Gastroliths happens to be the term for rocks ingested by animal species for the purpose of grinding down food in the gastrointestinal tract. Due to their purpose, the stones end up polished and rounded, and some people use them for jewelry. I can sort of see what the author was going for with creating an alien counterpart to Gems, but gizzard stones was the last thing I was expecting.

"I saw a majority of my team destroyed and swallowed right in front of me! You know I would never make up something like this."

"Then we must report to the Diamonds about this, we need their guidance on how to act next." Rutile leaves to go and inform the Diamonds, but a confused Jack follows behind her.

"So um, what was that about? What are Gastroliths?" Rutile stopped walking as she looked at him, the solemnly chuckles.

I’m guessing whatever they are, Jack will somehow have an edge against them. Because it’s not like the author would throw in this new threat without it ending up playing to his self-insert’s ego.

"I'm sorry, I forget that you're human sometimes with how your training has been going." Her face stays looking forward as she continues walking, beckoning him to follow. "Gems aren't the only race surveying the universe, although we definitely are the superior race. Yet there are still those who wish to oppose us. A barbaric yet technologically savvy race known as Gastroliths have been the largest thorn in our side. A race of reptilian beings who are split into two groups, a smaller subspecies known for having impressive intellect, and the ability to create machines of many sizes and shapes. Although the prime race of the Gastroliths are the warriors, monsters bred specifically to slaughter and conquer. They value nothing more than to destroy. At first they were of little difficulty for gems to defeat, but we had no idea of a skill they possess. The warriors, after defeating a gem in battle, can swallow their gem and absorb their energy, thus becoming more powerful than ever before, able to take out a full squad of quartzes with ease. The Gastroliths have been becoming stronger over time, and with Homeworld having less materials than our last era, we fear they may defeat us."

In other words, Gastroliths use Gems as gastroliths. I guess the author couldn’t be bothered to exercise his creativity beyond taking the term and slapping it on a race of reptiles. Honestly, the concept seems perfectly suited for creating a threat to sentient rocks, but the naming choice here is bizarre.

Rutile allows to let the information sink in for Jack. Another alien species exist out in space, and is currently a threat to Homeworld. As curious as his scientific side was, his loyalty would not waver. Already his mind began trying to think of a plan to strike back.

Knowing little else than a general description of the race, of course Jack is going to come up with a plan to fight an enemy, which Homeworld has probably fought since before he was born. Maybe he should inquire towards current battle plans before pretending he’s even allowed to come up with strategies.

Soon enough the duo makes it to the Diamonds' quarters, both saluting respectfully.

"My Diamonds, I bring unfortunate news. Scouting squad X-10 have returned missing many of its members. Squad leader Onyx claims they were ambushed by Gastroliths."

White Diamond taps her chin in thought. "Onyxs aren't known for lying, they are tremendously loyal fighters and assassins."

Alright, author, since this is apparently a thought worth consideration by the Diamonds, which kind of gem is the compulsory liars?

"Then I fear we may have to take her word for it. We need to stop all scouts from going near that planet, or the galaxy it resides in." Yellow concludes.

"My Diamonds, if I may speak up." Jack says abruptly, not wanting to wait longer to explain his thoughts. "From what I've been told, these leatherheads sound like they are going to continue to be a problem. It disgusts me to think some random species would dare hurt the race I have become a part of. So I would like to suggest a plan of attack."

Because it’s not like they would have tried that before, right?! Geez, Jack, what would you – the man who got fucking captured while guarding the getaway van – even come up with as a successful battle tactic?

"Jack." Blue Diamond interrupted, worry evident in her voice. "You have proven yourself in battle, but you do not understand what you are getting into. It would be devastating to hear news that you were killed by these monsters."

"It warms my heart to hear that you care for me, but these monsters will not care for your feelings. They will continue to consume gems until they reach you and your sisters. I cannot allow these beasts to take one step closer to harming the colony. Do not think I am going in blind, I have a plan."

Going in blind is exactly what you’re doing, Mr. White Knight or the Gem Matriarchy. Five minutes ago, you didn’t even know what a Gastrolith was. You didn’t even have a single follow-up question, when you were given the equivalent of three lines from the opening of a Wikipedia entry. So, please, explain what wisdom you have absorbed from the aether due to being the author’s vessel for petty escapism.

The Diamonds listen intently, curious to his idea. "These monsters may consume gems, but they cannot digest them. With that information, I know that there is a way to save them and also weaken the gastroliths. I believe they have never seen a human before. If I were to go to them, and have them believe I am enemies with gems too, then I could be welcomed as an ally. Once in their inner circle, I will find the ships they use and destroy their control panels, leaving them with no means of communication or transport. Then I am to find the Gastroliths with gems in their stomachs. If they are like reptiles on earth, they have soft underbellies I can exploit. Once I find them, I will use my fighting abilities to cut open their stomachs and retrieve the gems, then escape back here with all the rescued gems." Jack looks to see skepticism but a faint sign of hope as well in the Diamonds' faces. "I know this plan is a longshot, but if I accomplish this mission, I can save many gems and cripple our enemy."


The amount of unfounded assumptions, long distance leaps of logic, and blatant, groundless assertions this guy makes in his planning astounds me. Allow me, if you will, to dissect this utterly dead on arrival attempt at creating a plan of infiltration and sabotage. Mind you, this is going to get longwinded, because fucking hell does Jack put both ‘I’s in ‘idiot’.

First off, Jack assumes Gastroliths do not digest the Gems they swallow. That makes sense for terrestrial lizards and birds, yes. But these are aliens we’re talking about. Xenobiology, especially when it comes to the ingestion of, and subsequent power transference from, magical sentient minerals might differ a bit from earthen reptiles needing assistance in breaking down food. Essentially, he’s coming at this wanting to rescue POWs, when he has no reason to think the Gastroliths digestive system leaves room for it.

Secondly, Jack wants to invoke the age-old adage of ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend’, planning to announce himself as an enemy of Gem-kind, and thus get chummy with the Gastroliths. Fuck that. They’ve been described as highly advanced warmongers with nothing but destruction on the agenda. What the hell would they need an ally for? Besides that, Jack is essentially trying to play the act of a double agent, by invoking the same circumstances that allowed him to slide into his cozy spot for licking Yellow Diamond’s boots. You’d think the Diamonds would be looking quite differently at him right now, because now it sounds like he’s under cover for the Crystal Gems. Let’s not forget, that the only reason Jack wasn’t booted out the airlock was that he had Labradorite embedded in his chest. We have yet to see him absorb a random lizard through his skin, so exactly how is he going to appeal to the gem-eating reptiles aside from being a walking lunchbox?

Now, even if we give Jack all of the above, and assume that, for some odd reason, he’ll be placed in the Gastroliths’ inner circle, and that he’ll somehow destroy any, much less all, of the controls for their fleet, what does he plan to do? He plans to fight all, and I repeat, ALL of the Gastroliths currently being empowered by ingested Gems, not knowing where they’ll be, how many they are, how many he’ll have to battle at once, or how powerful any single one will be in a fight. Remember, an entire scouting squad was taken down by said reptiles with little choice but retreat. Plus, Jack isn’t doing this so that the Gem Empire can swoop in with their own fleet and secure a victory. He wants to save all captured gems and return as a hero. Which, given that his plan involves taking out the controls for the Gastrolith fleet, leaves him with no means of escape. Jack’s plan isn’t just stupid, suicidal, or outright impossible – it’s infantile gullibility in its purest form. A childish fantasy of everything going right when nothing could; an exercise of utter naiveté and forcible disconnect from reality; the kind of plan that only works in fucking dreams. The only reason I’m not laughing right now, is because I one day hope to do it to the author’s face.

"...you have our blessing for this plan." Yellow Diamond says reluctantly. Jack nods and went to leave, but was stopped by Yellow's voice. "But, you are not do this alone. We require that you bring a gem with you to watch from afar and intervene if the operation fails. The gem may be of your choosing."

She’ll be perched on a conveniently orbiting asteroid with a pair of binoculars. Seriously, how?!

"I accept these conditions, thank you my Diamonds." Jack and Rutile leave the room, Jack in deep thought, and Rutile nervous for Jack.

"So who are you going to bring with you? This is a dangerous mission you suggested."

"Well as much as I want to bring you or Diopside, only one gem seems the best choice for this mission."

"Are you serious?" Onyx asks in disbelief as she was using her sword against a hologram she created.

Oh gee, the original character that’s been introduced just now in this chapter? I’m so surprised.

"Parry! Parry! Thrust!" The Onyx hologram says out loud, the real Onyx soon stabbing with ease.

"I know this mission sounds suicidal, but I'm very sure this will work, but I need your help. You were on the scouting mission, you're a strong warrior, and you know what these Gastroliths are like. You don't have to fight them directly, but if things go wrong, I'd like to know I can count on you for help."

You could also ask if there are any experts on Gastroliths amongst the gems, or maybe someone who has actually successfully fought them before. But sure, grab Onyx and pretend you have another rock waifu.

"I'm not questioning your plan, or the fact you chose me, I'm just surprised you got the bravery to do this. Most gems are terrified of Gastroliths."

"I do not fear Death, let alone some reptiles. I care too much about the Diamonds and the gems I have grown close to, I refuse to let them live in fear of some monsters."

Fucking hell, must you talk about the staunch leaders of a galaxy-spanding empire like they’re the shrinking violets of an anime high school class? You can shut your white knighting ass up about your lack of fear, too. Every gem in the Empire, off-colors notwithstanding, are utterly devoted to the Diamonds. The only reason they aren’t in your place right now, is because they possess the logic to know, that it would be an impossible mission and a waste of resources.

"Hehehe, well then, you got yourself a deal." She shakes Jack's hand, still parrying her hologram with her other hand.

Aboard Onyx's sleek and combat oriented ship, they soon set down onto a marshy looking planet, several large bodies of water and greenery, but little dry land. Walking carefully through the humid region, they come across the sound of cheering and battling. Stealthily the two take cover in some shrubbery and look cautiously at the scene. Jack was surprised to see these Gastroliths were more than just reptilian looking, but borderline just like Earth crocodiles.

Hip-deep in enemy territory, and he hasn’t even bothered asking for a picture of these things. This guy is a fucking amateur.

Their heads were long powerful jaws with teeth poking out similar to a smug toothy grin, yellow slitted eyes, and a very durable looking scaly exterior. They wore clothing and war paint on their faces similar to barbarians, very little cloth covering their bulky bipedal forms. Two were currently battling each with their bare hands, wrestling and grappling in an attempt to pin the other down. The crowd was cheering as they bang their weapons and shields against their hides. In the audience was a weak looking reptile, looking more like an old turtle, wearing a large brown cloak and holding metal cane to hold himself up. On closer inspection, said turtle was holding an orange gem in his other hand, and his eyes were watching the battle carefully.

"A competition. These gastroliths are fighting to see who can have the gem." Jack explains to Onyx.

Yet when the scout team was attacked, the gems were eaten right then and there as spoils, so this seems rather odd. Also, did you suddenly take an xenoanthropology course, or is the author still hiding factual information up your ass?

"Damn monsters. I wish I could go down and attack, but there are too many."

"Then it's time for Operation: Wolf in Sheep's Clothing."


And he didn’t bother to inform his mission partner about his plan. How wonderful. On top of this, he may be acting the part of a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing trying to mingle with things that prey on wolves. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen a more incompetent character than Jack Divinos.

"Oh um, it's an old Earth story, a wolf wore a disguise in order to sneak up on its prey and eat them. I'm technically like the wolf, and my prey are these alligators and to get the gems."

"Was the wolf successful?"

Depends on what cartoon you’re watching.

"I mean...he ate a few sheep, but was later killed when he was discovered, but I'll be fine." Jack jumps down and heads off toward the Gastroliths. Immediately the battle stopped and the audience looks to see who disrupted the competition.

"Who dares disturb the ritual of power!? Tiny flesh bag, you aren't enough to even be considered a meal." One of the alligators that was fighting approaches Jack, his voice sounding as if he ate nails for breakfast, but Jack stands his ground.

Honestly, you’d probably sound that way if you ate gems for breakfast, too.

"You call this a ritual of power?" Jack taunts, using his deepest and most guttural voice he can muster. "I've seen eggs give a better show! I have heard tales that you and your species are fierce warriors, able to even give the gem race a challenge. I, Jack Divinos the human, have scoured the galaxies for worthy allies on my journey of conquest. Prove to me you truly are as strong as you boast!"

Prove to me your story is built on anything but flimsy excuses.

"Dilus! Do not take the insults standing. Let us see if this 'human' is worth our time." The crocodile that was fighting, presumably named Dilus, snarls as he walks closer to Jack. Jack beats his chest with his fists and roars out in a challenging manner. Dilus accepts the challenge and rushes toward him.

Jack uses his memory of what he learned about crocodiles back on Earth, and only hoped it could help him with this battle.

I doubt he learned how to fight them. Basic zoology classes aren’t exactly geared towards identifying weak points in case you have to wrestle the animal.

As Dilus closes in with his large maw open, Jack quickly jumps and wraps his arms around the crocodile's jaw and repeatedly punching it in where Jack assumed was its throat. Dilus struggles to remove him before finally throwing Jack off. The human quickly get up and runs into the charging reptile before sliding underneath it and grabbing his tail. With his awoken gem power and training, he pulls the beast off of his feet before slowly spinning him around by the tail.


"Hey! Stop that! Stop or else I'm gonna- BLEH!" The warrior seems to have his lunch launch out of his mouth, a large gooey trout flying out and hitting their ship.

Find a lot of trout out in space, do you? Sounds about as ridiculous as finding crocodile people that speak your own language.

Jack continues spinning the beast before finally letting go, throwing the large reptile into the air. The crowd watches in awe as Dilus becomes a speck in the sky before finally falling down and landing on the earth with a large thud on his back.

Jack pants softly as he looks at the Gastrolith, expecting it to be defeated, but Dilus slowly crawls back up onto his legs and glares at him.

He expected that to be enough? These retiles supposedly has the Diamonds shaking in their high-heeled boots, why is Jack incapable of planning anything?

Jack gets back into combat position, ready for more...but then Dilus starts laughing loudly. The other Gastroliths join in the laughter, albeit the turtle rolling his eyes.

"I must admit Divinos, you are quite strong. Lucky for me, I landed on my hide. The Reptilus warrior tribe of Krokos like me and my comrades, our backs scales are stronger than steel. We welcome you to our clan!" The revealed to be name Reptilus species rejoice as they bring Jack into their ship, Onyx watching in awe from afar.

The ridiculousness of the entire thing has me in awe as well.

Jack is given a tour of who the Reptilus species are, a diverse race of reptilian like aliens who travel from planet to planet, conquering lands from other aliens to prove they are the strongest. While there are several different types of the reptilus, they mostly divide into two classes, warriors and scientists.

Because jocks and nerds are all you need in order to have a functioning society, I guess.

Scientists was a broad term, as the highly intellectual side of the species, they are know for advancing their technology, medicine, and weaponry. Most of them consisted of the Turibus tribe, the ones similar to turtles and tortoises, yet other geniuses were always welcome. The warrior class was where the strongest are put, those who can master the art of fighting, blacksmithing, and war.

For masters of war, they seem pretty ignorant of the concept of a spy.

As interesting as the information was, Jack knew he had a mission to do. "Thank you for showing me around Dilus, but I noticed that Turibus from earlier was holding what looked like a gem?"

"Oh yes! Thank you for reminding me. Veteris!" The old turtle, or tortoise comes over, Jack could never tell the difference, now that he says that he worries if that makes him racist.

You worry about that now, when you’ve been using the words alligator and crocodile interchangeably?

"Keep your scales on Dilus, I have the gem. Though I am not very eager to hand it over considering you did not win the fight."

"The arena was pointless! I slayed the gem myself, I deserve to consume it!"

While the two bicker, Jack looks at the gem in the old reptile's hand. From closer inspection, he could see it was a Jasper. He had to retrieve it somehow.

You’re going to call dibs, aren’t you? And it’s going to work, because that’s how dumb this story is.

"Wait! Uh, is it possible that I could have the gem? I-I like to make a collection of gems I slay."

"Hmm, I do not like giving up a gem, but you did beat me in battle. Veteris, give the gem to our guest, I can always get more later."

Veteris nods before handing over the gem to Jack. He quickly stores her in his pocket before looking to Dilus. "What do you mean later?"

“Veteris, do you mind explaining how time works to the human?”

"Oh yes, you haven't been informed. Later we are heading toward a planet said to be brimming with gems. We will conquer the land for ourselves and consume the gems for their power!" He laughs loudly, only to make Jack nervous. He had little time to stop them, and he wasn't sure how to sabotage the ship yet. "But first, we feast! It is good luck for warriors to eat a large meal before attacking. Join us!" He pulls Jack to the mess hall where a large feast was being set up. Meat of every kind roasted to perfection for the carnivores, As Jack looked around, he noticed the Reptilus setting up the table were strangely slimmer and with curves to their bodies.

"Oh, for a second I assumed there were no females of your species."

You make a lot of assumptions, Jack. Most of them flying in the face of basic logic. This one was no different.

"Of course there are, how else do we make eggs? The females of our species are good for one thing, birthing strong eggs and children. Some make very good cooks, and others dancers, but our race holds fertility as a great virtue. Warriors do not live forever, so women are needed to be impregnated to give birth to new warriors."

“I suppose we could put them in a third category alongside warriors and scientists in our society, but that sounds like something a weak woman or a dumb nerd would say.”

"I-I see." As a human who lived with the internet during 2016 on Earth, Jack did not particularly like the females reduced to this, but he had to keep up appearances.

Implying that your internet white knight behavior would have you beat up Dilus for having the audacity to act accordingly to his culture. Do you have to virtue-signal as soon as a feminine creature enters your field of vision?

He took a seat with Dilus as food was served to them. Jack decided to try and indulge himself with the food in front of him, enjoying the taste after not having meat for quite some time. He watched curiously as the many warriors joined the feast, singing songs of old and merrily cheering and drinking. He blushes lightly though as he sees some of the mentioned dancers from before come and entertain the warriors with their movements.

Because it’s not like he wouldn’t be attracted to anything potentially having a vagina.

It seems though that one warrior gets too handsy as he grabs one of the dancers and pulls her closer against her will. "H-hey! Sorry to interrupt, whatever you're doing, but wouldn't it be bad luck to attack a women when we should be eating?"


First day with the new crowd, and already Jack has found the asshole character. That’s a new record since Citrine.

"Oh shut yer yap boy, she don't mind, do ya?" The reptilus's slithering tongue licks the girl's cheek to her displeasure. Jack couldn't watch and grabbed a goblet of whatever drink was inside and threw it at the rude being's head. The other dancer goes and helps free the girl from the distracted reptile's grasp before both leave.

"You don't treat females like that." Jack said sternly. Dilus looked at him with wide eyes, the other warriors just as stunned until the assaulted reptile hisses and glares at Jack.

So much for having to keep up appearances, Jack. The guy was out of line, I’ll give you that, but I highly doubt he was going to rape her right at the table. Your mission is a bit more important than some random lizard woman’s dignity.

"You overstayed your welcome human."

"H-He didn't mean it Anguis." Dilus says in a futile attempt to save Jack. But the warrior named Anguis only hisses louder. His body was a pale brown lithe yet muscular figure. If Jack had to say what this Reptilus reminded him of, it would have to be a bipedal boa constrictor.

All I can think of is that Ronaldo would kill to be where Jack is right now.

Thinking it was time to skedaddle, Jack flips the table over and runs out of the mess hall as fast as he can, roars of angry reptilians after him.

As Jack is running, someone clasps a scaly hand over his mouth and pulls him aside. He struggles at first, but his captor silences him and looks around the corner to see if they were safe.

"Alright, it seems they're going the wrong way," Once Jack was released he saw in front of him was another of the female Reptilus, black with pinkish white spots all over her body, like a Gila monster on Earth. The many similarities of these species was starting to confuse Jack, but he had a job to do.

It’s the author being creatively bankrupt, nothing confusing about that.

"I'm grateful, but why did you save me?"

"The thickheaded warriors may think we are just breeding tools, but the females are still warriors and geniuses. We have been lying in wait for a chance of a revolution, where we can fight back and give the females of our species a different future. It was reported to me about how you chose to protect one of my sisters, I feel it would be in my best interest to save you. You are powerful yet kind, join us in our fight."

Because being the savior of just ONE group of female aliens wasn’t enough, Jack needed to be the savior of TWO. The pattern of this story is so glaringly obvious, I’m surprised Jack hasn’t started calling every woman he encounters for “m’lady”.

"...ugh, why is this so difficult. Okay look, I'm actually working with the gem race, look." He raises his shirt to reveal the gem on his chest, but blushes as he sees her eyes lingering on his body. "My job was to slay those who ate my comrades, and hijack this ship. But I believe we can change things around. If you can lead me to those who ate gems, I can kill them and take my allies back. Then while the males are weakened and distracted, gather your sisters and attack, I will join the battle as well."

I’m all for gender equality, but I have to point out that there’s a fine line between ‘fighting for women’s rights’ and ‘killing every motherfucker with a dick’. I feel like the author is the kind of guy, who would call himself a feminist just to improve his chances of getting laid.

"Hmm, it is a risky idea, but one that can truly work for the better of my kind. Once I am leader, I hope we can make a peace treaty with gems. My name is Heloderma, but you may call me Derma." She smiles at him, but then grabs him close and gives a light bite to his neck.

"Gah! W-what are you…" His eyesight goes hazy for a second before recovering. Derma removes herself from him and wipes her mouth.

"Apologies, I had to give you a small dose of my venom. It will be slightly disorienting, but it should give you the ability to see who harbors gems." Just as she explains, Jack looks around the corner and sees a particularly brawny alligator looking Reptilus, and a slight glow from where his stomach is.

Because Derma totally knew how her venom would affect a creature completely alien to her. And that’s totally how venom works, too; granting people powers instead of being a biological agent meant to incapacitate prey. Makes total sense. Now that I’ve depleted my sarcasm reserves, holy fucking shit, what is the author’s hurry and what drug is he on?!

"I see. Thank you very much Derma, I won't forget this." Jack kisses her forehead before running at the clueless beast, summoning his knives and slashing at his underbelly.

"Ugh, where is he? I swear if he's dead I'm gonna shatter him." With worry affecting Onyx, she didn't notice someone was behind her until they tapped her shoulder. Her training causes her to summon her sword and slash at the intruder, but stops short as she sees a smiling, blood soaked Jack, carrying several gems.

"You know, I never known that reptiles have red blood. You learn something new everyday."

I never knew Jack was a remorseless killer, who would slaughter people for the smallest chance of gaining favor with a woman. I always suspected it; I was just waiting for the proof to inevitably arrive.

He sets down the gems in front of Onyx. "Now, I need you to take these back to Homeworld, I still have a job to do,"

"R-right...no wait, why aren't you coming with me?"

"The females of the Reptilus species, or Gastroliths if you wanna keep calling them that, are ready to start a revolution. If I aid them in battle, the new leader will be willing to bring up the possibility of peace with gems."

Aside from your undiscriminating libido, Jack, what do you care? Ten minutes ago, this entire race of alien lizards were your enemy. But now that you’ve learned their females are oppressed, you’re throwing your bullshit plan out the window, because “oh the poor women needs my help in order to topple the patriarchy”. You can claim to be doing this for all the right reasons, but the fact is this entire story is the author’s juvenile fantasy.

"That's insane! How do you know they won't kill you?"

"The leader had the chance to envenomate and kill me when she bit me, but she instead gave me the ability to see the warriors carrying gems. That's good enough for me." Before they could continue arguing, sounds of a vicious clash can be heard. Jack looks past their hiding spot to see the females have begun fighting, killing or subduing the unready males. "Time to go." Jack whispers to himself as he uses his speed boost and join the clash, slitting throats or tying up weakened males, he didn't want to risk genocide by killing all the males and leaving no chances of reproduction.

They’ll just become an oppressed social class instead. Your moral high ground is a fucking ditch.

He sees Dilus struggling to shake off two dancers who were using their acrobatics and flexibility to their advantage, whipping him with their tails and giving quick powerful blows. Jack takes the opportunity to grab Dilus from behind and suplex him onto the ground.

"Divinos! Are you insane?!"

"Sorry Dilus, but the time for change is here. Maybe you'll be lucky and get to stand on equal ground."

Meanwhile, guess which person with a dick gets to be above everyone else?

He gets some rope provided by the females before tying up his jaw and body. The battle seemed close to being won until a loud hissing is heard. Others point to Derma wielding a dual bladed staff as she battles Anguis, unfortunately struggling due to his slippery movements and powerful strikes of his fists, legs, and tail.

Oops, looks like someone has to win this woman’s battles for her. Better get in there, Jack. It’s what the author made you for, after all.

"You can't win against pure muscle!" Anguis swings his long tail at Derma, but then screeches in pain as his tail is sliced off. Jack looks to see Onyx with her sword out and holding onto the squirming tail.

"If there really is a chance for peace, I'll trust you on this Jack." She tosses the tail aside as she, Derma, and Jack surround Anguis. Jack dashes quickly as he slashes at Anguis's ankles, Onyx jumps and kicks him in the face, causing the beast to fall down, and Derma gives the finishing blow, stabbing him directly in the throat before cleanly slicing off his head. Derma proudly shows off the head of the enemy, and the females rejoice.

Soon the males are beaten, the redeemable and harmless ones tied up, and the sexist and power hungry killed.

Author, what the hell is wrong with you? Sexism and lust for power are terrible things, I agree. But they should not be the grounds for execution. News flash, being a terrible person does not give people the right to kill you. We, as a society, do not punish people for their opinions, but the actions that they take. Opinions can change; what people have done on behalf of said opinions can’t. Which is why I am attempting to explain your misconceptions to you, instead of tracking you down and shoving my foot up your ass. Why do you, and about half of all social media nowadays, think that disagreeing with someone is the grounds for vigilante justice?!

"Thank you for your help Jack and Onyx, you two have been of great aid. Once my sisters and I return home, we promise to change the ways of our race and hopefully become an ally of the gem race."

"No need to push yourself, focus on your race first and help them grow into a greater society, then you can worry about gems. I will inform my Diamonds of this, and I believe they will agree to the concept of peace." Jack and Durma hug before she sets off on the ship back to her home. Onyx and Jack take the recovered gems and blast off.

Author, I don’t know if you noticed, but women’s suffrage, much less feminism, wasn’t exactly established by one ship’s worth of angry women demanding society to change. These lizards will be lucky if they aren’t immediately shot out of the sky upon returning home.


Need I spell out how terrible this chapter was? Jack started the chapter by setting out to remove a threat to the GALAXY RULING DICTATORS, and ends up “fixing” said threat by assisting in liberating the female crew of a SINGLE SPACE SHIP from their male oppressors. Nothing was accomplished, aside from Jack inching closer to maybe, possibly, eventually getting laid with some creature that isn’t a cruel and selfish human being. On top of this, the utterly transparent virtue signaling was hitting neckbeard levels, so that’s an experience I’m not soon to forget. Let’s hope the next chapter has something else than Jack Divinos posturing as the savior of every damsel in the cosmos.

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Re: Jack and Gems

Post by StabbyKobold » Mon Jan 07, 2019 1:44 pm

We’re at the last chapter of this story, so I’ll be brief. Jack continues to eagerly kowtow to every female creature in his vicinity, and he decides that nothing should be beyond his ability to fix, if it means making a woman happy. Not even the death of a loved one. Yes, we’re going there. Enjoy.


Chapter 4: Diamonds Shining

The next few months for Jack have been quite progressive. Once Jack and Onyx returned to Erthynon, they were celebrated as heroes for bringing back the swallowed gems. Said gems were soon able to return back to their physical forms and given plenty of care.

Care to tell me whether they needed any care? Having them receive care sort of implies that someone would care about them receiving care, and I find it really hard to care about the care of someone not needing care. But what do I care?

Many suggested that this would be the end of the Gastroliths, but Jack knew otherwise. He reported to the Diamonds of the rebellion within, and how he aided the females in battle. While they were surprised to hear him work with the enemy, they agreed that it worked well in their favor.

They have literally nothing to show for that. I find it highly unlikely that the entire Reptilus race will change their sexist ways, just because a band of anti-misogynists told them so. Lest we forget, those women achieved their liberation not by reason and valid argument, but through violent and bloody revolt. Call me a skeptic, but only absurd contrivance will prevent the female lizard uprising from becoming anything but a footnote of momentary hysteria in their testosterone-filled history books.

The idea of peace though was troublesome to discuss. It was only due to Onyx's support and Jack's persuasion that the diamonds chose to think about the possibility of peace with the Gastroliths, or revealed to be named Reptilus species. Jack received reports from Durmas of her progress in the rebellion, slowly making her way into defeating those in charge of their race.

Systematic assassination. Because nothing says your opinion is right more than murder.

As for Jack, his training continued, soon under constant vigilance of diamond appointed Agates to record his progress. With time he slowly learned to manifest his gem abilities to control the elements around him, using the earth beneath his feet, the wind around him, the moisture in the air, even focusing enough to make flames spontaneously burst in front of him. Jack has grown into a fine warrior, but today though would need something more than just a warrior.

A believable character?

Jack feels his neck throb lightly until his vision blurred, the area where Durma's fangs sank into his neck tingling slightly. He could hear her voice gently in his head.

"Jack! Great news, my sisters and I have recently captured the capital of Statera Dolosa, this is a huge accomplishment. Even more news, more have joined the rebellion, both males and females. In just a couple more months, this war should be won."


Wow, how nice for you, Durma. Also, venom-induced telepathy, what?! The magical eyesight Jack got from that bite was already pushing it, but this is goddamn ridiculous. Why must logic bend over backwards just for your protagonist’s convenience, author?

"That's excellent to know. By the way, I've been meaning to ask, should I be worried that the bite you gave me has given you the ability to talk to me whenever?"
"Jack, please, I may be one of the most venomous beings of my species, but I know how to control it. Even if I wanted to hurt you, the venom is too weak by now, all it does is leave a link between us."

All it does is something that venom isn’t supposed to do, allowing you to break the laws of reality by communicating mentally across astronomical distances; no biggie! I would probably have much less of a reason to gripe about this, if it wasn’t because Durma is unsurprised by this development – as if telepathy venom is a fucking everyday occurrence.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say that bite was a form of you claiming me."
"Well I wouldn't mind having you for a mate, it'd probably be fun. Durma out." With that, the link closes again, letting Max's vision return and leave him blushing and pondering over what she said, at least until he bumped into a very large women. He looks up to see Blue Diamond smiling softly at him.

I guess having a boner for lizards gives you a severe case of tunnel vision. The woman is more than thirty feet tall, how do you “bump” into someone like that?

"Whoops, apologies my Diamond. I just recently received news from the leader of the rebellion, they captured the capital of their planet. They should win in less than 1460 hours, or 2 Earth months."
"Thank you Jack, this news is pleasing...maybe if we do find peace with them, there would be no fear of anyone shattering…" Blue Diamond's smile falters as tears well up in her eyes. "Excuse me Jack."

“I have to commit to this one character trait the author has provided me. We can’t all have whatever personality that is convenient for the plot, unlike you.”

She slowly walks away from him, looking for someplace quiet and private. Jack knew that he was only allowed to talk to the Diamonds as someone lesser than them, he was a subordinate for them to order...yet he couldn't stop himself as he followed after her. He knew there would be controversy if he tried to comfort her like an equal, but it pained him to see any of the Diamonds in despair.

If you had a reason other than “they are women, sorta”, I might be inclined to accept that you’d stalk your superior and invade her privacy out of concern. What I’m asking is, why do you care, Jack? What motivates you, beyond that fact that you have to embody the “nice guy” stereotype? They’re not your friends, they’re not your family, they’re barely even your associates. Ever since the Crystal Gems left you on Yellow Diamond’s doorstep like an unwanted pet, every decision you’ve made has ultimately served the purpose of currying favor with some form of feminine creature. Normally I wouldn’t consider invoking Freudian complexes for merely attempting to assist women, except that is literally all you fucking do!

Soon enough he found Blue Diamond alone in a strange pink tinted room. She was on her knees audibly weeping, in front of her was the shattered remains of a pink gem in a bubble. Jack didn't need the aching in his chest to tell him what he already knew, the evidence all in clear view. Jack walks silently to Blue Diamond, his brain yelling at him that if he continued, the consequences could be irreparable, yet his legs continued until he was close to the giant gem. He jumps high until he was on her shoulder, then gently steps closer so he can finally wrap his arms around her tear stained face and hug her.

Hey, here’s a bright idea. Why don’t we all go down to our local cemeteries and start handing out surprise hugs? It totally won’t be awkward or come off as trying to taking advantage of people’s grief to satisfy a selfish need for physical contact.

Blue flinched in surprise, but once she saw it was Jack hugging him, her tears just continued.

"...I don't think any less of you. There is no shame in crying for someone so beloved. Yet while you may choose to weep alone, I wish to be beside you and comfort you. Let me share in your pain." He gently kisses her cheek as he continues hugging her, not letting go until the diamond's sobbing slowly ends.

Author, please tell me you’ve never tried to console grief in real life, because I don’t think you know how this “having emotions” ting works. A grieving woman doesn’t target shoulders to cry on like a heat seeking missile, and an unrequested hug from a stranger is the last thing anyone wants in such a state. On top of this, “shame” and “share in your pain”? Did you ever consider, that the reason people grieve alone is because they want it that way?

"...the concept of peace, I just wonder if she would have liked to see it. I would have loved to see her smile and rejoice with us...but she's gone." She rests her head solemnly next to the bubble, Jack still trying his best to comfort her. He looks over at the shattered remains, his heart and gem aching to see it in such a state, and all the pain it causes. He would never even suggest to get rid of it, but instead the thoughts of fixing it occurred.

Let’s try to bring people back from the dead, as if it wouldn’t have been attempted already, were such a thing possible.

It's impossible though, how would someone put a gem back together…

"...my Diamond...how much do you love her?"

"...more than you can imagine."

"Can you say the same for your sisters?"
"Of course they do...dear Jack, where are you going with this?"

Another absurd and contrived venture towards making himself more deserving of a reward, which he will never cash out on, because he’s just that virtuous – isn’t it obvious?

"I don't know. So many things seemed impossible when I was on Earth, but here it feels different. With Labradorite...I feel like there is no such thing as impossible." He stares more intensely at bubbled shards, his gem feeling hotter, his mind racing.

"I should never give such hope to my leaders with it's large possibility of failing, but my soul calls for me to act...my Diamond, I beg of you to collect the bubble and your sisters...I cannot stand for you all to suffer such pain, I must correct what Rose Quartz has done."

You can’t be serious. You’re going to resurrect Pink Diamond? And you’re going to wing it?! If I were to perform a resurrection, I’d test it out beforehand, so that I’d at least know it was possible, and that I would have practice. There has been no indication, shit, not even a hint that Labradorite has or could give Jack the power to do this. This premeditated Lazarus asspull is goddamn idiotic.

His words seemed like the ramblings of insanity, but Blue could see the power emanating from Jack's being. She hated the possibility of losing him, but Jack seemed dead set on his plan of action.

In the center of the Diamond's control center, four massive empty seats surrounded the four individuals. It was ludicrous to them, after so much time, Yellow, Blue, and White Diamond, their hands holding up the bubble of their shattered sister.

This story was written a full year before the episode aired revealing that Pink Diamond faked her own shattering. As such, I can’t really gripe about the inconsistency with the canon. What I will gripe about though, is that Jack is yet again making himself into a white knight – millennia of grief over the loss of a life being nothing but a triviality, which he can conveniently resolve. As if every woman in the galaxy is just waiting for the male protagonist to show up and solve all their problems. I don’t mean to go all feminist here, I just can’t ignore the blatantly obvious.

With a look of purpose on Jack's face, he summons his knives through his gem and holds them in the air.

"My Diamonds, your emotional turmoil over your sister has been going on for far too long. Most would suggest you move past it, but I foresee a different path. Too many times I have been told of what is possible and what is impossible, but no more. With Labradorite, I choose to design fate however I want. It is time I push the boundaries, and my first action will be to resurrect Pink Diamond herself, but I require your assistance."

Evidently, his ego has grown too big for himself to stroke.

He looks at them intensely, showing no hints of joking. "It may be hard, but you must follow my every order if we are to do this correctly. Cast your status aside momentarily, let your emotions and gems be free, then let them bend to my will, in hopes of bringing back your sister. No matter what happens, you are to stay where you are, or else she may be beyond repair…"


The only thing more ridiculous than Jack’s speech is that these eons-old matriarchs are going to obey their human pet. He is literally proclaiming that he’s going to do the impossible, merely because that’s what he wants to do. Powered by their womanly tears and their submission, he will circumvent reality itself, undo fate, and essentially become Jesus – only, girls will want to fuck him. All hail Jack Divinos, messiah of the male fantasy!

Jack takes a deep breath, the Diamonds looking at him, trying to judge whether he had become insane or if he really is there last hope. Whether through a strange fear or blind faith, they heed his command and stay in position.

"And now it begins. Diamonds, sing. Let your sister's soul hear your voices, as a path from the life beyond the mortal realm. SING!" Electricity crackles in the air as Jack began collecting energy.

Rocks have souls now? I don’t even believe humans have them; least of all Jack.

The Diamonds look to each other before nodding, a familiar lyric free song harmonizing with their voices and spreading through the air. The shards remain motionless in the bubble though.

"This will not do. Whatever happens, DO NOT STOP!" He grunts as he jumps and slashes through the bubble, allowing the shards to be free. The sisters had a moment of panic but continued singing. Before the shards could hit the floor, they stop short of the ground. The shards slowly float into the air, between all four of them.

Because of course they do. We couldn’t have the universe not bend to the will of the Marty Stu, after all.

"PINK DIAMOND! Listen to your sister's voices! Escape the clutches of Death and rejoin us!" Jack's eyes shine bright blue once more, Labradorite's energy coursing through him as the shards gently glow. The Diamond's look at the shards in awe, not stopping their song for a second, only singing louder.

Jack’s entire stage performance has all the pomp and cringe of a televangelist miracle worker, complete with lines fed by the author through an earpiece.

"Louder! We must bring her back." He looks at the shards to see them coming together, piece by piece, yet not mending. "A sacrifice is needed, so it shall be given! Let my blood be your anchor to the realm of the living!" He grips tighter on his knife in his right hand before plunging it into his left, blue and red blood dripping out. "Behold! The essence of life and magic itself, take it my Diamond, AND BECOME WHOLE!"

When in doubt, just do a blood sacrifice! It’s totally going to work on a mineral-based lifeform! Again, he’s winging all of this. He’s entirely improvising this ritual. He’s doing everything he can think of doing, not because he knows that it’ll work, merely just that he hopes it will. And of course it’s going to work, because that’s the main power of the Marty Stu – it shouldn’t work, but it will.

The blood floats in the air before zooming off toward the shards, acting like a powerful glue as the shards finally reconnect. The diamond finally completed, with light signs of red and blue where the cracks once were. "LOUDER! THIS IS THE FINAL TOUCH!" The Diamonds sing their hearts out as the gem glows brightly. Jack cries out as the magic becomes more intense in the air, sparks erupting around him before he finally runs and jumps up to the completed pink diamond and taps it with both of his knives, sending all of the power he could muster into the gem.


Really? The final part of the ritual is the equivalent to using magical jumper cables? Author, while you’re attempting to invoke every resurrection ritual cliché you can think of, maybe you should consider that what Jack is doing is basically attempting to stick gem shards back together. Remind you of anything? Oh, right, fusion experiments, the mindless monsters that was basically Frankenstein as done by Homeworld. Under any normal circumstance, what Jack is attempting should end about as well as a monkey’s paw wish.

An explosion of light, shines through, even seen through the darkness of space as a miracle appears for all of Homeworld, silencing the Diamonds and enveloping Jack.

As the light finally subsides, the Diamonds blink their eyes as they try to comprehend what they see. Astonishment and tears were on their faces as they look at the scene before them. Pink Diamond, her eyes closed and a gentle smile on her face, her long fluffy pink hair, her gentle hands cradling an unconscious and bloody Jack right next to her gem on her belly.

This fanfic is like nothing but white knighting and mommy issues. Is it entirely possible for Jack to do something, and some chick doesn’t have to show him affection for it?

The small blemishes of red and blue may be permanent, but her gem was still in pristine condition. Her eyes finally open as she looks at her sisters, tears building up as she smiles happily.

Immediately all three Diamonds hug and cry in happiness as they look at their youngest sister finally back with them. A small chuckle is heard as they look down to see Jack slowly waking up, giving a small thumbs up despite his exhaustion.

Congratulations on bending reality to your whim, Jack! Boy howdy, with all of the incredible feats you’ve done, logic itself must be male, because if it were female you wouldn’t be raping it as hard.

Announced by the Diamonds themselves, a celebration was held for the return of Pink Diamond, allowing many to rejoice at the resurrection of the beloved gem. They of course gave much credit to Jack for being the one to bring her back in the first place, even going as far as to make him an honorary Diamond for his service.

I’m going to make the author an honorary comedian for that joke.

While the title gave him many abilities and roles of leadership, he was still to appear as a subordinate to the Diamonds for public scenes. Jack didn't care for that though, as he knew the Diamonds and gems close to him treated him as family, an equal, someone to care for. Jack felt at home.

Months passed, and the Reptilus revolution finally happened, Durma taking role as new queen of her species. Immediately laws were set in place that made it so both males and females are to treat each other with equality, to work together.

And by working together, you mean slaughter wholesale any male that is even suspected of having sexist thoughts, right?

These laws of communion didn't stop on their own planet though, as they reached out to Homeworld for peace. With Pink Diamond around, the colony was more open to the plan of peace, with Jack there to help mediate.

Everything seemed to finally be going Jack's way, that he has gained his happy ending…but it was far from over.

The author will find a way to squeeze every ounce of wasted potential out of this premise yet.

"Commander Divinos, we need you to see this." A Peridot messaged to him. He walks over to the universal research room, the peridot pointing to an image of Earth.

"We've detected something strange on this planet, an anomaly of sorts. As per the Diamond's instructions, we are not to concern ourselves with Earth, but this anomaly appears to have very dangerous levels of disturbance in the cosmic fields, we've never seen anything like it! If it continues, we fear it can harm the colony as well."

“You know, this would all have been solved months ago, if we had invaded the planet as planned. But apparently someone decided to change the Diamonds’ minds.”

"Hmm...I will gather my comrades and we will investigate the matter. Send a report to the Diamonds, I'm sure they will want to know this."

"Right away sir...oh and um, forgive me but you appear to be protruding a red liquid from your nasal cavity."

Jack raises an eyebrow before gently touching underneath his nose and finding blood. "Nosebleed?...I will be going immediately, this may be more dangerous than we think."

Because a random nosebleed is totally a sign of danger. It couldn’t be anything else, since a perfectly natural case of nosebleed would imply that Jack is human still.

He walks out of the room, preparing himself for his next journey.

To be continued in the crossover nobody asked for,

Max and Jack: Timelines Crossed

Ugh, don’t remind me.


Done. This story was, in one word, insulting. Insulting to intelligence, logic, and women in general. Jack, aside from abiding the author’s social commentary shtick of “humans are garbage”, hit only one note throughout this story – being the author’s gift to women. Is the female lonely? Jack is there for them! Is the female bullied by sexists or racists? Jack will fight their battles! Is the female sad that a member of their family died millennia ago? Jack will fix that motivational tragedy right up! I have seldom seen a more patronizing and hollow character than Jack Divinos. A simple sock puppet that parrots the author’s feeble and desperate attempts at appealing to women in any way short of tipping a fedora. I’ll no doubt continue on to the crossover continuation of this story at a later time, but for now, thank you for getting through my mock. I hope it has been an entertaining read.

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