Timelines Crossed

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Timelines Crossed

Post by StabbyKobold » Sat Feb 16, 2019 7:15 am

It’s come to this. From the author of The Human With a Gem and Jack and Gems, this is Timelines Crossed by chimchar14, a Steven Universe fanfic that pits the protagonists of the previous stories in a crossover battle. For reasons, I guess. If you’re unfamiliar with my previous forays into this author’s works, feel free to check out my previous mocks through the links provided. If you’ve already read them, or you don’t particularly care about getting the chronological experience out of this, then read on. For the sake of establishing a baseline, here’s a brief summary of the characters that we’re about to see go head to head.

Maxwell Ignitus was just your average youth, depressed with his lowly human existence. Until one day, he ran into the Crystal Gems, and an accident left him with a corrupted gem embedded in his body. He found this to grant him incredible powers, providing himself with new purpose and outlook on life. So, naturally, instead of staying with his new friends and exploring his new abilities, he ran off into the world and spent fifty years faffing about – doing everything the author could later retcon in for convenience – until he finally returned to Beach City and went on adventures with Steven. What followed was a parade of bad decisions, worse character motivations, terrible life advice, and Maxwell simultaneously being the cause of every conflict that plagued the Crystal Gems, and being the one to solve them in ways that would leave any fan of the show abhorred. To top it off, every antagonist in the story were cruel, greedy, and power hungry humans, who wanted Max or the gems dead for one reason of another. Because humans are evil by nature, according to the words the author put in Max’s mouth. That’s the person in one corner, let’s see the guy in the other.

Jack Divinos was just your average youth, depressed with his lowly human existence. Until one day, he ran into the Crystal Gems, and an accident left him with a corrupted gem embedded in his body. He found this to grant him incredible powers, and by now you’ve probably realized what mold the author likes to cast his protagonists from. Unlike Max, Jack was captured when the Crystal Gems boarded Yellow Diamond’s space ship in an attempt at a covert mission to save the Earth. The idiot was left to guard their own ship, and was captured because he couldn’t even do the one job he had. He also didn’t know what powers he had, yet he was the one to come up with the entire infiltration plan and insisted on coming along. Anyway, he defected to the other side out of spite and became the White Knight of Homeworld, the defender and savior of every gem and female creature that suffered even minor inconvenience. Jack was so good at being a male ally, he managed to instigate a female uprising for a patriarchal race of lizard people before having them make peace with Gem-kind. He even resurrected Pink Diamond with the power of ‘because the author says he can’, since the story was written before the show had revealed her shattering was faked.

I hate both of these characters. I loathe them equally. Max is a self-absorbed shithead edgelord, whose sole motivation is accumulating power, which is excused as a coping mechanism for his ridiculously traumatic life experiences. Jack is a vacuous shell that has no other purpose than being a willing slave to feminine whims, a simultaneous proponent of women’s strength and the first to be their shield against any adversity, his character being nothing but a fedora tip in human form. And by the end of this story, hopefully we’ll be free of one of them. Enjoy.


Chapter 1: Anomaly

The planet Earth, a rich history of war and culture on one body of the entire galaxy. It should seem insignificant, but it hosts life that can determine the future for every species of the universe, including the powerful gem race.

Humanity is superior, mostly because they write the stories where this is the fact. If aliens ever show up on our planet, pop-culture ethnocentrism like this is going to be an awkward talking point.

One such being with that power is Jack Divinos, a human with a Labradorite gem imbued within his chest and connected to his heart. A betrayed Crystal Gem, now loyal to Homeworld and the Diamonds.

Betrayed?! The idiot got caught when he was supposed to guard the getaway vehicle and was brought before Yellow Diamond herself. What were the Crystal Gems supposed to do, kick in the doors and get a face-full of lightning? Attempting to rescue Jack would have been a death sentence!

After much training, he soon gained full power over his gem abilities, and is now one of the top warriors of the colony. Today he is sent on a mission to inspect the Earth, as an anomaly was detected. Jack didn't necessarily care what happened to Earth, but apparently this anomaly had the capacity to destroy even Homeworld if left alone. Now Jack is to investigate it, his support being his close allies Diopside, Rutile Topaz, and Onyx, as the ship descends to one particular settlement.

Ah yes, how could I forget Jack’s rock waifus? Diopside, the ditzy bimbo with the power of healing cuddles. Rutile Topaz, hard-ass combat trainer with hair made for shampoo commercials. Onyx, the uhhh… the one who owns her own ship. That’s all the description she was given. I don’t even know what she looks like.

Beach City, a place to call home and center of all things weird. Of course there was that one place in Oregon, but this human was more concerned about what happened here. Maxwell Ignitus, human wielding an Obsidian gem in his right hand. Long ago after escaping and killing the awful family that abused him, he found the Crystal Gems.

His family and the entire village they lived in, indiscriminately. He has confessed to other murders, never has he expressed regret, and no one has ever called him out on it. I don’t count, unfortunately.

An accident caused him to lose his right hand, but Obsidian saved him and replaced his appendage. Over five decades later he returned to the gems and accompanies Steven, using his newly mastered combination of gem skills and powers and human creativity and weaponry to battle the forces of evil.

Whenever he isn’t having a mental breakdown and becomes an unstoppable, murderous psychopath due to his split personality. Totally unrelated to his gem powers, might I add. I’m still confused by that fact.

Unfortunately now though, he's suffering a bad headache and reoccurring nosebleed.

"Aw come on, I can still fight!" Max protested as he was laid in bed by Steven and Garnet.

"You're too sick Max, we don't want you getting hurt even worse." Steven says caringly as he fluffs Max's pillow.

Then spit in his face and get it over with, Steven. You salivate panacea, it can totally excuse the spite.

"There are only three gems on the ship coming toward us, we can handle this." Garnet informs Max as she finally manages to make him stay down on the bed.

"Fine, but if I hear anything bad happening, I'm jumping in to fight!"

What more do you need than an echo, then?

"Is something wrong Jack?" Diopside said with concern as she puts a hand on his shoulder, confused to see his nasal cavity protruding blood.

"I'm fine, just a nosebleed. Maybe my body is trying to get used to the new gravity, I haven't been on Earth in over a year...so what do the scanners say?" He directs his attention to Onyx who was piloting the ship.

"We can confirm that there are 5 gems, a Pearl, Amethyst, the fused Ruby and Sapphire, and the human child of Rose Quartz."

"What of the anomaly?"

"Hard to pinpoint, but it's definitely near them."

“It’s being identified as an Obsidian for some reason. I don’t really know why I didn’t list it along with the others just now.”

"Alright, prepare for landing."

"Here they come." Garnet announces as she and the rest of the Crystal Gems ready their weapons for combat. The black ship soon sets down onto the sandy beach before a hatch opens. "Don't lower your guard, they may have destabilizers."

“Not to mention their own brooding freeloader with absurd strength and lack of empathy.”

The four watch as new gems walk out of the ship.

"We have arrived, and it seems we have a welcoming gift." Onyx chuckles as she walks out, Rutile and Diopside walking behind her. Jack takes a deep breath of Earth's air, a small part of him missing the sensation as he walks off the ship, then glares at the Crystal Gems.

"Wait… one, two, three… four?" Amethyst said confused as she looks at the new gems. "I thought you said there were only three."

"I-I did… it's three gems… and a human."

Dramatic reveal with neither reveal nor drama. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

To say they were surprised was an understatement as they see the new human.

"Well that's just rude. You all forgot about me? After just abandoning me!?" Jack yells infuriated, his head hurting though and the world around him seeming to shift.

"The anomaly is getting stronger, just what is happening?" Onyx said as she looks at a tablet shaped device.

"A human...no, Jack. How did we forget?" Pearl seemed unsure about herself as she looks at Jack, then glances toward the temple...where Max was sleeping.


Excuse me, what? I was wondering how the author would excuse away how the two previous stories could take place, without the Crystal Gems ever mentioning having met more than one human-gem fusion before. But I doubt this is a case of everyone coming down with amnesia, despite how bereft of logic the author usually is. Where is this going?

"Wait, we met Max first? No it was Jack, no um…" Steven tried to make sense of things, until he felt his own nose bleeding slightly.

"Hmm...so whatever this anomaly is, it's affecting their memories as well. That explains the nosebleed, but why me? That could only mean...no that's impossible." Jack tries to make sense of the situation, but then Onyx's tablet blows up.

I agree, Jack, although I have no idea what crazy conclusions you’re jumping to. Nothing about this memory mix-up and spontaneous hemophilia makes sense, and yet you seem to know exactly what’s going on. That’s usually Max’s thing.

"Darn it! The anomaly is too much for the device, we need to find it and destroy it now while these traitors are confused." Onyx summons her sword as she points at the temple. "It must be coming from over there."

"Jack...or Max?" Garnet tries to focus until she hears the temple door opening, and Max walks out.

"Sorry, but I can't resist the temptation of seeing something...new." Max and Jack immediately lock eyes, the whole world seeming to pause.

A meeting of two self-inserts, who just realized the author has been two-timing them. Awkward.

They look at each other's respective gems with an odd curiosity. The two walk towards each other slowly, wind blowing around them softly as they reach out with their arms, fingertips barely touching before a shock wave separates them, blasting Max into Garnet's arms, and Jack into Diopside's.

"Well, that hurt a lot. But I believe I understand what the anomaly is." Jack carefully stands back up, looking at Max intensely. "This human isn't supposed to exist, at least not in my world. Something is causing alternate timelines to meld into each other."

What? How? How do you know this? Why is it causing nosebleeds for unrelated people? What the fuck is going on?!

"Wait wait wait, what you're talking about is impossible." Max shakes his head before getting onto his feet. "Two timelines can't just suddenly rip and stitch together like this, there's gotta be a catalyst, and I'm pretty sure I'm looking at it."

"What are you talking about?"
"I'm almost 70 years old, and I've never seen another human with a gem besides Steven. If anything, you must be the source of the problem."

As if no more than one human with a gem can exist in a single timeline? I’ve seen many kinds of timeline plots in fiction, but none of it were as nonsensical as this.

"Idiot, your theory means nothing. Homeworld's technology has detected the disturbance and led us here, and the detector blew up once you were close enough. If I want to keep Homeworld safe, you'll have to be destroyed." Jack reaches for his gem with both hands before pulling out two sharp knives glowing with a strange blue light.

"Everyone stand back, it's time I teach this wannabe some manners." Max smirks as he reaches into his right hand and pulls out a black cloak before adorning it.

Sure, let’s not sit down and talk about this or learn what is going on. Instead, let’s jump straight to the violence. Were it not for the fact that I utterly despise both of these murderous cretins, I would be giddy at the prospect of their possible demise. Unfortunately, one of them losing would result in the other winning, and that just ruins the excitement.

This entire crossover battle is stupid, anyway. Rant incoming, so be ready for an extended diatribe. I am aware that this story is basically the author doing this for fun, and he’s welcome to that. He needed an excuse for his two skin puppets to have a fight, and he can have that, too. The problem is he chose a poor excuse. For a moment, let’s analyze, shall we? Some kind of anomaly gets detected by Homeworld, and it seems Max is the source. Why is it happening now? Why is Homeworld concerned with it reaching them in a different galaxy? Who knows?! Anyway, it’s making a bunch of female identifying creatures uncomfortable, so of course Jack has to step in. And his plan to deal with the problem is to kill Max, since he concludes that Max shouldn’t exist in this timeline. While Max suffering an untimely but completely warranted demise sounds fantastic, it’s a terrible way to get rid of the anomaly. Why, you might ask? Because, unfortunately, killing Max does not make him stop existing.

Let me illustrate. Put yourself in the role of a timeline anomaly removal agent. You detect an anomaly, so you go and find it. It turns out it’s a stick. A stick that should not exist. Just roll with it. To prevent the total collapse of the timeline, you break the stick. Congratulations, now you have two sticks that shouldn’t exist. You set fire to the two sticks in another attempt at destroying it. Even better, now you have a pile of ash, and a bunch of smoke, both which shouldn’t exist. Is my point getting across yet? Instead of jumping directly to the murder angle, Jack should have tried to get Max’s assistance in the matter, because it’s obviously something that’s affecting him as well given his nosebleeds. If this anomaly is something that threatens Homeworld, I’m pretty sure the Earth would be in danger as well, so why start a fight with the Crystal Gems instead of having them help out? These are moot points, though. Why, you may ask, again? Because the anomaly, if these dimwitted know-it-alls are correct, is a result of timelines melding together; whatever the fuck that would imply. Why they would, or how it results in nosebleeds and memory problems, I have no clue. In any case, we already know what happens in the show, to people who aren’t meant to exist as a result of a timeline conflict.


The problem should be fixing itself, and Max or Jack should be a pile of dust. The reason it hasn’t happened yet, is because the author gives less than two shits about making sense.



Jack immediately dashes toward Max, knives ready to slash, but Max was all too prepared as he reaches into his cloak and pulls out his favorite combat shotgun, firing repeatedly at Jack once he was close enough. With Jack stunned by the unexpected damage and force of the blasts, Max takes the opportunity to repeatedly slam the gun against Jack's gut and face before delivering one more round directly into his face and blasting him across the sand.

"What? Where were you hiding that?"

Where are you hiding your bullet wounds? Why would anyone be using guns, if they do no lasting damage?!

"Interdimensional portal, got the inspiration from the gems' warp pad, now I can summon whatever weapons I own into my hands. Check this out." Max puts away the shotgun to reveal a machine gun, which he uses to fire rapidly at his opponent.

"Not this time. Jack be nimble, Jack be quick." With that phrase said, Jack focuses his energy into an incredible burst of speed, dodging the bullets with ease before rushing at Max, then removing the ammunition from the gun.

He could just have cut Max’s head off and gotten this fight over with, but that would have prevented them both from showing off.

*click click click*

"Out of ammo?" Max looks at the gun, only to feel the back of his head hurting as Jack threw the ammo clip at him. Then Jack runs quickly once again at the disarmed gunner, dealing many incredibly fast punches to Max's body.

"Jack be lethal, Jack be slick."

Jack’s ego be making me sick.

Jack's speed lowers slightly, but in return gets a large boost in power. He brandishes his knives again as he slashes and stabs at Max. But as he gives an especially deep stab, Max grabs onto his arm and glares.

"I'm gonna hurt you." He says in a voice oozing in venom, flipping Jack over his body by the arm and slamming him hard onto the ground. Max reaches into his cloak and brandishes multiple daggers. He stabs at Jack's palms and ankles to pin him onto the ground while leaving bloody mess as well.

Whatever happened to sheltering Steven’s childlike sensibilities, Max?

He switches weapons once more as he pulls out several grenades and pulls out the pins, laying them around Jack's body. Then he jumps high into the air and pulls out one last weapon. "Here comes the rocket launcher!" With said large artillery pulled out, he aims carefully through the scope from above before finally firing, a large missile launching directly at Jack and the grenades before finally exploding all around him.

Is Max going to be using any gem powers in this fight, or does the author really need his weapon porn that much?

"Hmph, done and done." He puts the RPG back into his cloak as he lands back onto the ground. As the dust settles, he looks to see...Jack is nowhere, all that was left are the daggers, blackened sand, and some red and...blue blood.

"What the?" Before Max can try to understand what happened, he feels his cloak yanked off. He looks to see Jack holding it before slicing it into nothing but strips.

"Next time you try to pin someone down, make sure it's not on loose sand." Jack says, his eyes glowing a bright blue color.

"...DARN IT! I FORGOT WE WERE ON THE BEACH!" Max yells out as he clutches his head with a dumbfounded expression on his face.

Is this guy for real? Jack thought to himself before sighing and deciding to continue the fight.

Is it any more ridiculous than Jack dodging an explosion at point blank range, or, if that’s not the case, Max aiming and firing at an empty patch of sand? Or better yet, everyone on the sidelines just twiddling their thumbs?!

"Now witness the power of Labradorite!" Jack roars out as his gem glows brightly, his veins glowing as bright blue blood courses from his heart. He flips backwards and lands into the ocean, then digs his knives into the seawater. His magic energy is harnessed through the knives and begins to shift and change the water before it begins to take shape, growing holes for eyes and a mouth with sharp teeth, fins and gills forming, and a large tail. It keeps swelling with Jack's energy until it finally took form, a saltwater beast shaped like an enormous orca.

"...Now that's just not fair." Max says as he looks at the watery beast.

You’re both as powerful as the author wants you to be from moment to moment; of course it’s not fair.

Jack's eyes flash once more, and the orca attacks, swimming through the air before slamming against Max, playing with him like a soon to be meal. The orca repeatedly bounces Max with its nose, then smacks him down with its tail onto the sand. Before Max can even try to recover, the orca rams itself head first into Max, violently smashing him further and further into the sand until he was buried deep.

"It's done." Jack says solemnly as he looks at the orca and carefully directs it back toward the water, only to feel some resistance. "What's wrong with you? Get back into the water, I want my magic back."

Is that how this works? It’s a disposable water construct. Why would you need to return the water to the ocean and not just let it splash across the beach? Why did you rip off Lapis Lazuli’s powers, just to make them suck?

Then he looks to see the Orca was grabbed by the tail by a bloodied and bruised, but incredibly angry Max.

Max says nothing as his body now bursts into an incredibly hot inferno, the sand around him turning into glass and the orca's tail vaporizing into steam.

"Impossible, how are you still alive, and producing so much heat?"
"Oh please, my sister hurt me worse than your stupid fish. As for the heat, Obsidian is no slouch when it comes to firepower, she and I harness enough power to rival the sun, you could use the entire ocean against me, and I'll still be standing."

Max, you were mortally wounded in a car crash. Please, don’t pretend that a billion cubic kilometers of water can do nothing to you.

Soon the water formed orca screeches as it was completely evaporated by Maxwell. He slowly walks toward the ocean, the water at his feet turning to steam.

"I will not fail my Diamonds and lose to some scum of the Earth. My magic has no limits!"

On the contrary, they are as limited as the author’s imagination.

Jack stabs one knife into the sand and holds the other into the air. The sand and wind swirls around his knives before being blasted at Max, the wind rotating around Max into a vortex to try and suck away the oxygen, and the sand trying to chain down his feet and slow him down. The fires around Max slowly shrink as the wind attacks and sucks away any useable air. Having no other choice, Max stomps into the sand to make it work for him. Jack looks confused until he sees the water around him bubbling and boiling. He looks underneath to see a hotspot forming beneath the sand before erupting into hot lava, blasting away Jack. This causes the winds to diminish and let Max breathe again, his fires strong once more.

How many times can Max ruin the beach? This has to be like the fifth time he’s irreparably ruined the coastline with his powers.

This isn't good, this Jack guy is pretty strong. Maybe I could use fusion, no I can't rely on that and put Steven at risk, I know I can win, but how? Max wonders to himself as he tries to formulate a plan.
This must be a nightmare! No human can be this strong! I threw everything but he's still standing. Maybe there is a way to put out his flame for good, but how? Jack thinks to himself as he looks at his knives curiously.

You’ve been stabbing everything and everyone when using your powers so far, why stop now?

Max Ending

You know, I don't normally step in to help, but I don't mind lending a helping hand.~ Max flinched as he heard the familiar voice ringing in his head. Zero was the result of Max's sanity pushed to the breaking point. Whenever exposed to extreme pain or anger, Zero takes control of the body to deliver brutal agony to his enemy. Zero had no alliance to good or evil, but feared not existing, so he would help if necessary. Max knew it was a deadly gamble, but he had little choice.

Here’s the thing, though. It’s not deadly for himself, but for everyone around him. Last time Zero got out, he killed the entire town and defeated the Crystal Gems, before the author fixed it all with time travel. And even then, he had Zero remember it all, even though it doesn’t make sense. The author’s grasp of time travel is tenuous at best.

"Enough of this!" Jack rushes at Max once more, his knives elongating with blue energy surrounding them. He jumps into the air to slash at Max, only to cut through smoke in the air. "What the?"

"Peekaboo~" A mischievous voice says from behind before Jack cries out in pain. He looks down to see his own abdomen pierced by a gray and pale left hand. "It's Zero's time to shine!"

Zerum quickly redraws his hand and smirks as he looks at Jack struggling to heal the large wound. "Let's see if you can still heal after this!" Zero morphs his obsidian right hand into a makeshift razor sharp edge. Jack turns his head only for it to be too late as Zero slices repeatedly across Jack's body, his blue blood spurting into the air and coating Zero's crazed face and smile. Once he was done, Jack was lying on the ground, bleeding from several open wounds and struggling to get up. "Take it from here Max."

Not going to use your non-gem related psychosis as an excuse for murder, Max? What’s the point of having it, then?

Zero chuckles as the body returns to it's natural color and Max returns with control. Max wipes the blood off as best as he can before looking down at Jack

"I'm sorry, but when you threaten my family, I give you a taste of hell."

He didn’t threaten your family, dipshit. Get some one-liners that actually makes sense.

As Jack slowly gets up on his feet, Max shakes his head and sighs before reeling back, his obsidian hand glowing with heat. With one last burst of power, Max throws the finishing blow, a final punch directly to Jack's face before giving a large explosion of flames.


Jack is sent flying into the air, his body seemingly lifeless until Diopside finally intervenes and catches him. "Jack! No, please don't die!" She sobs as she holds him close, Rutile and Onyx rushing to guard him, but look extremely unnerved as Max glares at them.

"He's not dead, just exhausted from overworking his healing abilities and suffering so much damage. If you look you'll see his gem intact and hear his heart beating." Max says nonchalantly as he jumps over them and looks at his own team, the Crystal Gems cheering for his success in the battle.

Yes, woo-hoo, the author flipped a coin for who would win first, and it came up Max.

"That was amazing! You had me worried there a few times." Steven exclaims before hugging Max tightly.

"Homeworld lost this battle, what do you suggest we do with them?" Garnet directs everyone's attention to the knocked out Jack and the three gems with him.

"Hmm, might as well try to get some information out of them. Something is causing our timelines to mix, and they might be our only choice of finding out what's going on…" Max looks at Jack, knowing this is far from over.

Because it’s not like any of Jack’s waifus would try to defend themselves or flee. Their white knight has been defeated, now they are but weak and helpless damsels.

Jack Ending

Wait, the obsidian! If I can stop her from giving power to this human, then he'll be too weak to stop me. This is a risky move, but I have no choice. Jack uses another speed boost as he rushes at Max. Max tries to shield himself by summoning a wall of fire around him, but Jack's speed made him able to tackle Max out of the fire with little damage. With knives ready, he makes several different cuts and slashes to Max's right arm before leaving a strange four diamond marking onto the obsidian hand. Max kicks Jack off and rolls backwards.

"I'll turn you into ashes!" Max raises his right arm to release a column of fire...but nothing comes out. If anything his right arm feels weaker and heavier. "W-what did you do to me?"

Whatever he thinks will work, and it will, because the author says so. It’s basically Jack’s powers in a nutshell.

"A technique the Diamonds have taught me, while your body is still intact, all power from your gem is now worthless. Now feast your eyes on true power." Jack brings his knives together, a large ball of blue electricity forming in front of him. "For Homeworld and my true family!" Jack finally releases a massive orb of pure magic and electricity directly at Max.


As the dust settles, Max is seen on the floor, unconscious and heavily damaged.

And because Zero taking over Max’s body is suddenly inconvenient to the plot, it doesn’t happen. Consistent writing; what’s that?

"MAX!" Steven and the Crystal gems run over to his body, holding him close. Steven tries to use some healing spit, but before he can even gather some saliva, Jack puts his knives at Max's throat.

"Don't even try it Steven, or I'll finish him off permanently. That goes for the rest of you Crystal Gems...Diopside, Rutile, Onyx, take these prisoners to the ship."

The entire point of the fight was to finish Max off permanently, you absolute moron! It took less for you to gut alien lizards by the dozen, fucking carry through with your original intentions!

"Do you think we will be captured so easily?" Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl summon their weapons, but Jack just chuckles.

"Just like you rebels, trying to fight even when it's futile. But will you still fight if it means the death of your ally and beloved Steven?" He grins maliciously as he raises his knife gently in the air, only for the sand underneath Steven to violently shake and shift, surrounding him as incredibly sharp needles aiming directly at his vital points, including his gem.

You’re threatening physical harm against the kid, whose most prominent powers is a defensive bubble? And the Crystal Gems, one of which sees the future, is convinced by this? Fucking hell, why is everyone in this story an idiot?

With little choice, the Crystal Gems return their weapons and surrender. Diopside grabs and carries both Steven and Amethyst with ease while Rutile Topaz and Onyx escort Garnet and Pearl onto the ship. Jack looks down at Max before using his magic to levitate and throw his body into one of the prisoner of war cells. The anomaly and the Crystal Gems are captured, now all that was left was the Diamonds judgement.

Hey, you know that anomaly that threatens Homeworld and the Diamonds with its mere existence? Yeah, let’s bring it directly to Homeworld and the Diamonds. Brilliant plan!


I’m no expert, but isn’t it a bit ironic, that a conflict revolving around a problem of timelines is given two diverging endings? In any case, the author’s non-committal story writing has basically made this fanfic no more impactful, than a kid playing a versus fighting game while holding both controllers. There’s still two more chapters of this though, which boggles my mind.

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Re: Timelines Crossed

Post by GorillaGamer » Sun Feb 17, 2019 12:54 am

It was only a matter of time before Jack and Max have their self-indulgent match of fisticuffs to see which one is the authors favorite son. Still, I can't say I'm entirely opposed to a series of death battles between two self-inserts, it'll decrease the population by half within a few months.
Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
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Gorillagram only gets sexual stimulation from playing Pokemon Reborn and its derivatives.
A quote from Andrew himself

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Re: Timelines Crossed

Post by StabbyKobold » Mon Feb 25, 2019 12:02 pm

@GorillaGamer: If only that were so. It seems pitting them together just breeds a whole new host of problems.

Timelines were melding, and now they’re splitting. Unfortunately, that means we have to deal with twice the OCs in the same chapter. And about four times the stupid. Enjoy.


Chapter 2: Alternates

With every choice made, many wonder, what would have happen if I acted differently?

What would have happened, had you written a good story? Yeah, I wonder that a lot.

When time and space are distorted as they are now for these characters, two parallel adventures take place. Maxwell Ignitus and Jack Divinos have won in different timelines, now we follow to see if their actions will restore or destroy their worlds.

I hope the timelines collide again, and both Max and Jack aren’t supposed to exist in either.

Max's Side

"Prisoners on a doomed planet, not how I expected my career to end." The Rutile Topaz quipped as she and her comrades are taken into the temple for questioning. Max and Garnet watch over them and their unconscious ally, Jack, while Steven, Amethyst, and Pearl get Peridot and Lapis.

"We don't want to make you prisoners, but when you show up unannounced and sic your friend on us, we kinda have to take precautions."

“Now, since we’ve abducted you and we’re all aliens of some kind here, who’s up for a probing?”

Max shrugs at the trio of Homeworld gems, then hears the familiar sound of the warp pad activating, the rest of the team finally altogether.

"It's true! The diamonds sent more gems after me!" Peridot exclaims in fear as she hides behind Lapis.

"Why would they send us for a Peridot? We got tons...besides, we're looking for an anomaly, not specifically a gem." Onyx explains boredly.

"You keep saying anomaly, what do you mean exactly?" Pearl asks curiously. As an answer, Onyx taps her gem on her chest to reveal a hologram of many statistics and lines.

"Our mission is to find a disturbance on Earth, that has the potential ability to destroy not only this solar system but reach far enough to destroy Homeworld."

Gee, Onyx, do you always divulge classified information the moment your enemy asks for a definition of your target?

With this new information revealed, the Crystal Gems were silent. Max remembered Jack's words, accusing him of causing the rift.

Speaking of the devil, the other human groans out as he slowly wakes up.

"Jack!" Diopside cries out happily as she hugs him tightly.

"D-Diopside, I-I appreciate the hug, b-but you're kinda crushing me, still sore!" Jack visibly blushes from the display of affection, Diopside letting go once she fulfilled her hugging quota.

It’s her method of healing. Why aren’t you assuming she’s sneaking you a pick-me-up right under the enemy’s noses? Must be because the author is using it as a getting-it-up.

Jack looks over to see himself surrounded by the gems he despised. He went to try and summon his knives, but then groans in pain again. "T-too weak."

"Look, whether you like it or not, you were beaten. But the Crystal Gems are not your enemy, we would never try to destroy the Earth after protecting it for so many years, we wouldn't risk the life and memories here just to destroy Homeworld." Garnet speaks up, trying to keep Jack from attacking again. Jack only scoffs and looks away.

It’s not quite the author admitting to writing Jack as a stupid, shortsighted, ignorant and petty character, but I’ll take it.

"...we detected the disturbance here though…"

"Okay, let's assume I am the anomaly." Max says in an exasperated tone. "What would you have to do to get rid of it, because I'm pretty sure killing me would do nothing, as I have existed here far longer than you."

The length of your existence up until now doesn’t matter. In one timeline, you never existed at all. For whatever reason, that constant trumps the other timeline during the melding, and I can only applaud it.

"..." Jack was silent, seeming to be in deep thought, until he opens his eyes wide, a blue glint to them as he stomps on the ground, a glowing four diamond insignia appearing. "There...I hate to do this, but only the Diamonds intelligence can solve this matter.

New powers pulled straight from your ass to further the plot, Jack? It must be a day ending in ‘y’.

"WHAT!?" Everyone else said simultaneously. Peridot and Amethyst panicking, Lapis extremely nervous, Pearl immediately hugging onto Steven fearfully, even Garnet unnerved and losing composure.

"You idiot, I'm gonna kill you!" Max reaches over to strangle Jack, but Rutile, Diopside, and Onyx stand in front of him.

"Together, White, Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond...they can resolve this matter."

I’m sure they can. First order of business is to kill Max, because they don’t care about him. Then they’ll recolonize the planet because Pink is back, setting the Crystal Gem rebellion back to square one as of six thousand years ago. Unless they’re all still hooked on that whole “let humanity destroy itself to rub it in the rebels’ faces” plan Jack sold them on.

"...did you say Pink?" This caused everyone to be silent, the Crystal Gems, mostly Garnet and Pearl looking astonished at a grinning Jack.

"Oh? Didn't I mention before? Pink Diamond has returned. With my power and blood, and the voices of the remaining three Diamonds, she has been pulled from the grips of Death, back into the safety of Homeworld."

"You...restored a shattered gem?" Max tried to comprehend this news, ignoring the aghast faces of the Crystal Gems. "Wait, that's technically bringing someone back from the dead… that's the anomaly! You reversed death! And now you're bringing her here!"


Is the author intentionally making you into a moron, Max? They detected the anomaly on Earth; not Homeworld. You and Jack felt it when you initially touched; no Pink Diamond between you. Bringing people back from the dead is not a timeline anomaly; just a resuscitation of an inert lifeform. Are you just frustrated with not being the only logic defying asshole in the story anymore?

"SHUT IT! I am the one with Labradorite, what I do with my power is my business! You may have beaten me once, but the cavalry is coming to destroy you." Jack looks outside with a grin as he hears a sonicboom. "They're here."

With a frustrated sigh, Max walks out of the temple with the gems behind him and Steven with his shield ready next to him. A massive arm shaped ship edges closer to the beach, the Diamonds finally at Beach City.

How considerate of the Diamonds to carpool. Did you entirely miss the point of there being two color-coded arm ships at the human zoo, author?

"Steven, get ready. If the Diamonds choose to attack, we may need to fuse if we stand a chance of winning."

"I'm with you Max, but let's try talking it out first."

Where was this voice of reason during the previous chapter?!

With the Crystal Gems outside, and presenting Jack and his team on the beach, they all look cautiously as the ship opens up slowly. Out of the palm of the arm shaped ship, a massive yellow being walks out. Immediately Jack, Topaz, Diopside, and Onyx give a strange salute, crossing their arms to make a diamond shape.

"Earth...it's been so long." As Yellow Diamond walks out, not far behind her were the just as intimidating yet radiant gems, Blue and White Diamond. The two accompany their sister as they take large steps onto the sandy beach, observing the situation in front of them.

The situation is that the leaders of a galactic empire is answering Jack’s booty call. They’re doing it with such expediency, that it completely obliterates the plot of the first chapter of Jack’s original story, where the Crystal Gems could infiltrate and change the planned course for Yellow Diamond’s ship mid-flight. This also goes to show, that changing the coordinates of a planet on a ship’s computer does nothing to prevent Homeworld from finding that planet again. I’m starting to think Jack might be the anomaly after all.

"I apologize for the summons, but the anomaly beat me in battle. I beg of you to help me so that we may destroy it." Jack pleads to the Diamonds, but then raises an eyebrow. "W-where's Pink Diamond?"

"I'm right here, took too many hits to the head?" Pink says playfully as she stands next to her sisters. Max once again feels his nose bleeding, he was sure the Diamond wasn't there before, or was his mind playing tricks on him in disbelief.

Or maybe everyone can be the anomaly, I don’t fucking know. I’m not even sure the author does.

"Y-yes, my apologies."

"Enough of this. You keep calling me the reason time is messed up, when you're the cause of it yourself." Max finally speaks up, walking carefully toward Jack, making sure his obsidian arm is in full view for the Diamonds to see.

With how many times his obsidian hand has been referred to as his entire arm, maybe that’s the anomaly too!

"Another hybrid?" Blue asked curiously as she looked at him, then back to Jack. "What does he mean, that you're the cause?"

"What I mean-" Max interrupts, not wanting Jack to throw off his train of thought. "- is that, Jack here claims to have brought back a beloved gem back to you. You basically gave Death the middle finger and brought someone back to life! An act like that would of course cause a tear in the time space continuum, especially if said gem brought back to life, was as influential and powerful as a Diamond."

This just in! Reviving the dead now destroys the space-time continuum. Because life and death is somehow tied to the fabric of time, instead of being an on-going process that describes the state of physical entities. Better alert every necromancer, medical technician, and religious messiah, because now you can fuck up the entire universe by applying successful CPR, magical or otherwise. Are you fucking for real, author?!

With Max's explanation over, everyone looks to Jack and Pink Diamond, curious if what he said is true.

"I-if I have the power, it is up to me to use it!" Jack retorts angrily as he glares at Max and stands defensively in front of the Diamonds. "I could not stand to watch them grieve, I had to act!"
"YOUR ACTIONS COULD KILL US ALL!" Max yells back, his heading hurting as they argue. The world around him seems to shift and deteriorate as he looks around.

It seems you found one answer, can Jack do the same?

This was an answer? Was there a question? Is my patience not the only thing that’s being tested?!

Jack's Side

With the prisoners on board, Onyx puts in the coordinates to Homeworld and the ship began to fly back into space. Jack smiled softly as he looks at the familiar sight of the endless expanse known as space. The smile falter though when someone speaks up.

"Jack, please! You don't have to do this." Steven, the one Crystal Gem Jack hated the least, but still couldn't bear to look at.

Why, because you think he’d voluntarily abandon you on board a Homeworld ship? Were you ever a friend of the Crystal Gems, Jack, or did you just crash on Steven’s couch for a couple of days before handing them a dagger and asking them to stab you in the back?

"Silence. Once the anomaly is dealt with, maybe the Diamonds will be merciful and send you back to Earth, but for now, you're a prisoner." Steven was quiet after that, looking over at Max's body in the opposite cell."...Estimated time until reaching Homeworld?"

"Should just be a few minutes. We're picking up a bit of interference though, I guess I forgot to take in consideration of how much weight was added onto the ship."

Max and the Crystal Gems weigh enough that they cause interference in the depths of space? Are they carrying black holes in their pockets or something?

"It's fine Onyx, just keep this ship flying." Jack was interrupted though as he heard a soft groan. He looked over his shoulder to see Max rising to his feet. "Well look who's awake."

"I-it's gonna take more than a fancy light show to keep me down." Max weakly grins and gives a thumbs up to Steven before glaring at Jack. "Taking us to your leaders?"

"The Diamonds will decide how to deal with you. After this mess, I can continue my new luxurious life as the Diamonds' second hand man."

Lapdog, Jack. You’re their lapdog. A dumb, drooling, eager mongrel that is of use to them. And you chose that position, even though your powers dwarf their own. The only reason you haven’t deposed them and become the ruler of gem-kind, is because they’re not men.

"That's assuming we don't hijack this ship." Max says with a chuckle.

"Explain yourself." Jack demands angrily as he walks closer to Max's cell.

Dumb bastard is in prison, and he wants to escape. What’s there not to get?

"It's just, you're all too stupid to realize what the extra weight on the ship is. So busy gloating about your victory, you never saw the sabotage...by the way, these cells hold gems, but how does it work for humans?"

“And why are they located in the same room as the pilot’s chair? Really, does anything here make sense?”

Max reels back and gives a punch with his left hand, causing Jack to fall on his back. In a daze he looks to the ceiling and sees a certain green gem pounce on him.

"Yes! The great and powerful Peridot has effectively captured the Jack human!...oh yeah, and Lapis and Jasper are here." From the ceiling, Jasper and Lapis drop down, both effectively keeping the other gems at bay while Steven and Max free the rest of the Crystal Gems.

"Understand that even if you're helping me rescue Steven, I'm still far from ever forgiving you." Lapis explains to Jasper as she uses the water from a small canteen she was carrying to whip and strike Onyx.

Oh look, someone watched Avatar: The Last Airbender and can’t have an original thought.

Jasper only rolls her eyes before headbutting Diopside and grappling with Rutile.

"Wait, Jasper was corrupted...but she was healed? How is that-" He's cut off as Peridot flicks his nose in an attempt to defeat him.

Jack, if you’re honestly telling us that all the time you spent with the Crystal Gems was spent on getting a play-by-play of the entire series – so that you even know who Jasper is – and not at all on exploring the effects of becoming a gem hybrid, then you can fuck right off.

Jack pushes Peridot off and growls furiously. "No jailbreak on my watch!" He was about to summon his knives until Peridot attacks again, dropping his pants to his knees and making him trip.

The guy who defeated Maxwell Ignitus undone by schoolyard level slapstick. At this point, I’m not sure if the author likes either of his own characters.

As the battle continues, the ship shakes violently, bringing the fight to a stop. "Well then...it seems we're here."

Looking outside the ship, everyone can see the ship has boarded onto Homeworld's base, a diamond insignia.

Immediately once the ship was docked into the base, Onyx slammed her hand down on a button on the control panel, making an ear piercing sound ring out through the ship. Jack and his crew seem unaffected, but Max and the Crystal gems immediately cry out in pain. "Unless you are blessed by the Diamonds, the noise will will hurt all who hear it." Jack explains with a smug smile.


Then why not use it as your first line of attack, you moronic simpleton?! This is what I hate about this author’s stories. Whenever he needs the plot to progress, whenever there is an issue that has to be fixed, some trauma or motivation his character needs to have, he just makes shit up – never considering how it affects everything that happened prior. Max needs to win a fight? He uses a power that was never established before. The plot is getting stale and the author doesn’t know how to make it exciting? Warp pads suddenly work as interdimensional teleporters to other fanfic universes when struck by Lion’s roars. Jack needs to find gems swallowed by alien lizard men? A female lizard bites him, and her venom gives him the ability to see gems held inside her male counterparts’ stomachs, also it grants him telepathy with her. People that are into anal beads don’t do half of the ass-pulling this author does!

The door to the ship opens as several gems walk in, loyal warriors and security grabbing the Crystal Gems and holding them down.

"Enough of this tomfoolery, take them to the Diamonds...except for the human with the black arm, take him to the Animo chamber, I have questions for him." The gems salute as the struggling Crystal Gems are taken to the Diamonds chamber. He looks curiously at the weakened Jasper, remembering Steven telling him the story of her corruption. His head aches softly, but he ignores it as he follows the gems that take Max into the familiar blue room, where he was sent to long ago himself. Max is strapped into the chair and Jack walks closer to him.

"You undid her corruption?"

Jack, did you forget that your own questioning was done after the torture session, and involved hooking your gem up to a TV, as if you were a Teletubby?

"It's more complicated than that, Obsidian and I-" Max is cut off as a powerful electrical shock is sent through his body. Once it ends, Max pants heavily and sees Jack at the control panel.

"Don't try to reason your way out of it, you think you can just heal a gem like that so easily? Corruption is an affliction that tortures many gems, and you just happen to reverse it? You're a bigger anomaly than I give you credit for."

This story is basically two pots calling each other black, while the author attempts to utilize the plot-holes of his previous works as actual plot points.

"What are you talking about!?"

"YOU CANNOT CHANGE WHAT'S BEEN DETERMINED. You think you're a big hero for freeing Jasper, but you've only made a mess in the rules of fate."

"If I have the power to help, shouldn't I use it?"

"Help? All you've done, is doom us all!"

Okay, now you’re just completely out of your gourd, author. At least resurrection is out of the ordinary, but now Jack is accusing Max of dooming the universe by making a sick person well. Your absolute nonsense grasp of the concepts of death, fate, and time travel are so incoherent, you are hitting tinfoil hat levels of crazy. If you wanted your two OCs to square off, why bother with injecting this awkward, confusing, and batshit narrative, when they are already ideologically at odds with one another? Oh wait, they’re not! Maybe you realized that you essentially created the same dumbass character twice, gave them the same selfish, misanthropic, and soulless personality, and having them meet up would basically result in them burning down the planet and pissing in the ashes! I hate this fucking story!!

Jack groans in pain as his head hurts more, the walls seeming to melt around him.

It seems we have all the answers.

?'s Side

One step closer to revealing all.

Don’t you start with me, ominous narrator! If you’re just another crazy version of Max, there is no telling what I’ll do!


Ridiculous is how this story started. Infuriating is how it’s continuing. I dread to know how it’s going to end.

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Re: Timelines Crossed

Post by StabbyKobold » Sun Mar 10, 2019 6:55 am

We’re coming up on the end of this story. And for whatever reason, the author decided to not only jump the shark, but to jump it through the fourth wall. Enjoy.


Chapter 3: Existence

Max's eyes snap open as he wakes up. Immediately, all he can see is a white void surrounding him.

Jack's eyes snap open as he wakes up. Immediately, all he can see is a white void surrounding him.

Max and Jack, two so similar but so distant.

Yeah, they’re so similar that the only thing that separates them is physical space.

"Wait what's going on." The two say simultaneously, until they turn around and finally look at each other.

"Wait, we were just on the beach."

"N-no, we were at Homeworld."

"You're both right." Max and Jack finally realize the third person next to them.

For a white void, it sure is crowded.

"Oh sorry, should I go back into using italics? But I'm here now, what difference does it make."

"Italics, what are you talking about?" Jack demanded angrily, sick of the constant craziness.

"Wait a minute...Zero?" Max asked curiously, looking at the source of the voice, his body materializing in front of them. Same crazed look in his eyes and smile.

"Oh you two are a riot, still so oblivious to what is happening." Zero giggles to himself as he twirls in the air of the gravity null void.


I fucking knew it. Zero, Max’s reality and logic defying alter ego, who pretty much just acts out edgy fantasies on the author’s behalf without letting Max suffer from the moral backlash. Now obviously endowed with reality shattering awareness of his own medium, Zero is basically just the author thinking he can emulate Deadpool acting like the Joker while having the power of whatever-the-fuck-he-wants. This character’s existence is only explained as Max literally being insane, having snapped from being tortured as a child. Zero’s ability to take over Max’s body when Max get’s injured or in order to empower him, or being able to wipe the floor with every Crystal Gem in a one-on-five fight – not explained at all! On top of this, I must repeat, Zero has no connection to gem powers, magic, or anything else than being a fractured part of Max’s psyche. If anyone can make sense of this character, by all means, share with the rest of us!

"Enough of the riddles!" Jack summons his knives as he goes to cut at Zero, but then his knives vanish. "What?"

"Don't fight him Jack! Whatever is going on, it's destroying reality, Zero may be our only hope out of here."

"Sorry, but you two aren't allowed to leave." Zero says absentmindedly as he reclines above them.

Says who? Because I want to shake their hand.

"W-why not!?" Max yells out.

"Simple, you two are too much of a problem for reality. You should have the answers already."

Max and Jack rack their brains for anything that could resemble an answer to their predicament.

"You mean...Jack bringing back Pink Diamond?"

"And Max healing Jasper?"

"DING DING DING! We have two winners tonight folks!" A sound of applause can be heard resounding around them. "You two got too greedy with your abilities. It was bad enough you two decided to interfere with the alpha timeline, but now you decided to try and have bigger roles. One healing corruption, and one mastering death. The universe doesn't like that, so they assigned me to make a change."

The universe, in other words the author, can go fuck themselves. Why would these concepts be anathema to reality itself? One is the treatment of an inflicted disability, a sickness which Rose Quartz attempted to cure in the past – and she sure as hell didn’t fail because the universe didn’t want her to do it. The other could be described as a miracle, but it was brought on by powers within the universe and its timeline, that just so happens to circumvent natural laws – the same can be said for Steven’s healing spit. For reality itself to reactively punish these events, as if they were somehow sin, is insanity. What the hell is this story getting at?

"Roles, alpha timelines? You make it sound like…" Max cuts himself off as it slowly dawns on him.

"What? What's going on?" Jack asked, fearing the answer already.

"...we both weren't meant to exist."

"And it looks like our lucky contestants have answered another question correctly!" Zero laughs out loud with the cheering growing louder before cutting off abruptly. "But yes. The story of Steven Universe and the Crystal Gems was supposed to stay about them. But some idiot decided to make not one, but two worlds where some angsty human gets all this special treatment. ...there was never supposed to be, a Maxwell Ignitus, and Jack Divinos. To be fair, one couldn't exist without the other."

And now the same idiot is giving special treatment to you, Zero. So this seemingly repentant, meta-narrative bullshit the author is trying to pull is still shitty self-indulgence on his part. It also has more reason to destroy reality than curing sickness and resurrecting the dead does, so this story is just going from nonsense to outright lunacy.

"S-story!? What are you talking about! I'm a real person with real feelings and dreams, I'M REAL!" Jack yells out in a fury at Zero, Max trying to comprehend what he is hearing.

"Sorry~ But you don't exist, and were never meant to exist. You're just a mistake product of an alternate universe created by some...well I can't give all the answers, now can I?"

"W-wait, earlier you said, one couldn't exist without the other...what do you mean?" Max speaks up, the one question nagging him.

I’d like to know so as well. But more so, I’d like to know why the two of you are accepting the words of a crazy person at face value.

"You already know the answer~"

"...Me and Jack...are related?"
"Wait what!? But my last name is Divinos, not Ignitus."
"Hehehehe, oh this is so fun. You see, there are many alternate universes, some created by some imaginative individuals. One such individual decided to create Maxwell and his story, having him inserted into the lives of the Crystal Gems. But the individual wasn't satisfied easily, so he kept trying to make Maxwell have a bigger role, make him this important being to help with his inferiority complex. Then he had the idea of creating another universe, parallel to Max's.

And then he decided to toy with his creations, and give voice and form to the criticism of his works, which he will have his protagonists struggle against. You think this shit is new, author?

One world where he wasn't tortured by his family, but grew up in a loving environment. This Max grew up to become a policeman, and while he wasn't superhuman like he wished, he was content in helping deliver justice and protect the innocent. He later bumped uglies with a nurse who cared for him when he got shot in the leg, and they soon had a child. But remember, Max was 68 years old when he met Steven, so this child wasn't Jack. No this was to be his son Adam, a bright young boy who wanted to follow in the footsteps of his father With the passing of time, Adam grew to be a private eye detective, and soon married. But soon, life took a turn for the worse.

A stubborn man who still took many jobs despite his growing age, Max soon found himself arresting the ringleader of a gang notorious for the creation and selling of hardcore methamphetamine, and many bank heists. He was located in an old apartment building that was to be condemned years ago. Max thought once this guy was handcuffed, the mission was done, but the leader had friends in many places. The wall destroyed from an explosion, outside the building was a helicopter manned by the criminal's lackeys, armed to the teeth in weaponry. While Maxwell was trying to recover from the explosion, they opened fire, riddling his body with bullets, and escaping with the leader.

We then presumably missed out on the opportunity to reenact RoboCop with gem powers, but I digress. Good riddance.

It was a heartbreaking day to know that a good cop was killed like that, but that day incited more than just despair, but a hunger for vengeance. Despite married and with his wife pregnant, Adam left his home and devoted all his time to hunting down and killing the people who murdered his father. Over a decade later, he finally achieved his goal. Adam was a relentless hunter, killing each and every member of the criminal syndicate before finally cornering the leader. It was quite a sight, the leader begging and pleading for mercy, wanting to live, but Adam had no mercy to give. He took aim with his gun and shot the leader exactly six times. But whatever happened to the wife?

Turns out, she became sick the day she was to give birth. It was too much for her so she immediately died afterwards, the baby boy without a mother, and the father gone. All who was left to care for him was his grandmother, Max's wife. The grief of her dead husband and lost child though, made the poor woman unable to care properly for the boy, constantly ill and tired, most of the time in bed. The boy learned to care for himself, growing more and more independent until finally leaving by himself, unaware of his family's history and choosing to make up his own name.

That boy of course...is none other than Jack Divinos." Zero concludes the story as he points to Jack.

Are you done, author? Are you? Are you done spending four full paragraphs expositing needless backstory? Are you done elevating Maxwell by having his alternate universe self die as a heroic cop? Are you done worshipping anti-hero stereotypes combatting action movie villains that have no place in Steven Universe? Are you done painting broken homes as the seedbed for mopey runaways with inflated sense of self-importance and no interest in their own family? Are you done making shit up to serve your spur of the moment brainfart, which will ultimately be of no relevance, no interest, and no importance? Are you done?!

Author, all you had to do was to say, that in a different timeline Maxwell wasn’t a gem hybrid and had a family, which eventually begat Jack. But no, you had Zero vomit out the totally rad and ostensibly detailed backstory, that you forgot to give Jack in his own story; all seemingly in the attempt to have the current nonsense have some kind of meaning. Guess what though, it doesn’t. Jack and Max being related has fuck-all to do with this not-meant-to-exist and timeline bullshit, especially since you’re throwing it all out, in favor of the validation of their existence hinging on whether or not they are fanfiction characters as opposed to canon members of the cast. You’ve turned the criticism of your characters into a meta-originating threat to their existence instead of simply writing them better. Do I even have to say how childishly passive aggressive that is?

With wide eyes Jack looked from Zero to Max then to Zero again, unable to comprehend these facts presented to him.

"...Why tell us this?" Max says quietly. "This kind of information...parallel universes, our existence… how does this solve the problem?"
"Well it's just to give you two some background knowledge before I complete my mission."

"Your mission?"

"Oh yes. You see, some people weren't happy about your creator's ideas, so unfortunately, your universe need to be purged."

It’s called writing a second draft, author. The criticism you get is meant as character development for yourself; not your OCs.

"Purge? You mean destroy us? Erase everything we've ever done?"
"Yep~ While I don't like the idea of not existing anymore, I have to follow orders. Max, Jack, ...goodbye."

Zero's form begins to shift in the void. His teeth sharpening, his skin becoming inky and pitch black, his eyes empty and white, fingers elongating into sharp claws. His smile, still present as he raises one arm.


The void around them starts shaking violently, eerie colors flashing around them. Zero swings his arm down, and suddenly massive meteors, the size of minivans come crashing down to stroke Max and Jack.

The void of epilepsy sure is a weird place. I don’t suppose we’ll ever be told what it actually is, will we?

Jack falls to his knees as he looks at the impending doom, a tear escaping his eyes as he accepts his imminent demise. If creatures stronger than the Diamonds say they shouldn't exist, who was he to fight back? But he was shaken out of his thoughts as Max grabs his arm.

"Well don't just stand there! Move!" Max leads Jack to dip and dodge the meteors, even going as far to fight back as he has his obsidian arm sharpen, then slices through the flaming boulders. "I don't care what some pricks say, I'll live as much as I want. Someone may have created me, but what I do is my choice!"

I bet you the author was giggling while writing that.

"Idiot, you have nothing. You mean to say you're so strong you don't need the gems to fight me?" Zero says with a tilt of his head.

"No, but they have taught me many things, my memories of them still keep me going. Steven, Obsidian, Garnet, Pearl, Amethyst, everyone in Beach City mean so much to me, and I refuse to lose it all. They keep me strong and teach me how to smile and enjoy life. So what if I was inserted into their lives, I bet there are are infinite dimensions with several similar situations. What matters now is what I choose to do with this new life!" Max smiles wide as he finishes his speech, feeling stronger and ready for battle as his body is set aflame, burning brightly.

Not wanting to be left behind, Jack stands up and smirks. "This is ridiculous, I shouldn't give up now. My actions may not be loved by everyone, but I don't care. The Diamonds and Homeworld have helped me learn more with Labradorite, but there is so much more. The universe is endless, and I will explore it all, and have the colony grow exponentially. Prepare yourself Zero. Jack Divinos of Labradorite and Maxwell Ignitus of Obsidian are ready to fight." Jack's gem glows, pumping bright blue blood into his body and summoning his knives.

With not even a single exchange of blows into the fight, this is less “power of friendship” or “heroic resolve”, and more “oh wait, we have super powers, maybe we should use them.”

"Well then, let's see just how powerful you two truly can be." Zero claps his hands together, making powerful shockwaves fly directly to the duo. Max and Jack simultaneously jump and duck under the shockwaves, running quickly toward Zero.

Zero's clawed hands ooze a purple liquid, the substance transforming into a monstrous human shaped group of enemies that rush toward the two. Max only grins as he focuses flames into his obsidian arm, then releasing a powerful ball of fire at the center of the battalion. With the monsters dispersed, Jack's eyes glint and he uses his speed boost, slicing through every last remainder of the beasts.

Is this fight going to be anything but Zero creating setups for Jack and Max to look cool? If you’re going to have Zero pose as a threat to the two, author, maybe you should actually make him into one.

Zero growls as he puts his grotesque hands together, summoning a large amount of energy into a multicolored orb. He roars out as he pushes his hands forward, the orb launching directly at them.

"Let's send it back!"

It already feels like a videogame boss battle, so why not throw in some good old energy-ball tennis?

Max stands his ground as the orb flies toward them. Pointing his obsidian arm at the hurtling ball of death, he summons as much firepower as he can, the obsidian glowing and radiating heat as flames swirl toward the center. Jack breathes deeply before clashing his knives together and summoning a cluster of electricity, sparks charging around him. As the ball comes closer, they finally unleash their attacks, Max releasing a white hot inferno, and Jack firing a thunderous cannon of lightning. The two massive energies combine together, creating a blue column of fire with surrounding clusters of electrically charged meteors. The powerful attack clashes against the multicolored orb, the two forces fighting for dominance until finally, the combined efforts of Jack and Max win over and blast the massive orb back at Zero with double the previous force. Zero momentarily loses his smile as the attack collides with his body, delivering monumental damage to his form.

This moment brought to you by ripping off anime fight scenes, because originality is as fucking rare as unicorns.

Zero drifts in the air weakly, his body failing and the black ink melting off his body.

"Time we end this." Jack runs up to Zero and brandishes his knives, slicing an X pattern across his chest, and Max joining afterwards, his sharpened obsidian edge piercing the center of the X, violently destroying the last remnants of Zero's power.

A bright flash surrounds them in the void, the whole area trembling once more as a light glows between all three of them, getting brighter and brighter until...darkness.

Hmm...so they choose to keep going...I can respect that.


Oh joy and jubilations! The two OCs live to fight another day. During their battle that threatened to end their very existence and the universes they inhabit, they were faced with no more adversity than a brief moment of existential crisis. My poor heart could barely take the suspense. These two heroes of fiction were simply too powerful for the author’s hired assassin to take down. Their victory has not only validated their own right to exist, but has simultaneously defeated all of the author’s critics by proxy. Truly a monumental victory for fanfiction everywhere! The fact that I’m vomiting pure sarcasm is just further proof of this.

Max's Side

"Is he gonna be okay? He's been asleep for 12 hours now."

"I'm sure he's gonna be just fine."

"Shh, look he's waking up."

Max slowly opens his eyes, looking at the crowing faces of Steven, Garnet, Pearl, Amethyst, and Lion, who licks his face in an attempt to wake him up.

"Gah! Lion slobber!"

Author, you are aware that lions are cats, not dogs, right?

"Yay! You're awake!" Steven says happily as he hugs Max.

"W-what happened? Where am I? Where's Jack?"

"You collapsed yesterday. You had a lot of blood coming out of your nose, we were worried you were really sick, or worse….wait, who's Jack?"

"I..I don't know, might have been something I was dreaming about...sorry for scaring all of you, I promise I feel better now." The team smiles at Max, glad to see he is safe. Max looks outside into the sky, thinking he knew someone out there now.

A kindred spirit, whose soul and existence is just as twisted and hollow as his own.

Jack's Side

"I believe he is waking up. I hope this human illness ended."

Jack slowly opens his eyes to the sight of the Diamonds, Onyx, and Rutile watching over him. Diopside of course was hugging him gently and acting as a bed for him.

Can’t end the story without exploiting Jack’s crew for fetish opportunities, can we?

"Ugh, what happened to me...where's Max?
"You were losing a large amount of blood from your nasal cavity Jack. We did a scan of your body and found a very intense amount of brain activity. Your body must have been fighting off a disease and your mind having a very intense dream. As for a Max, we have no one of that name here, this being may have been a figment of your dream."

“Also, can anyone tell me what a dream is? We gems don’t sleep, and this script I was handed didn’t come with a definition.”

"Yes...that sounds right." Jack sighs softly as he tries to recollect his thoughts, returning to his work efficient mindset. "I am grateful for all of your concern, but I'm done wasting time. There is more work to be done in colonizing this universe." Jack stands up on his feet, smiling at the gems before looking out one of the windows, seeing the large void of space, his thoughts of what remained on Earth.

And how it’ll remain totally safe in Max’s burning hands, I’m sure.

Authors Note: Max and Jack will return to their own separate adventures in their own stories.

This was mostly just something I thought up for fun, the idea of these characters fighting was just quite entertaining, so was linking them together. I know it probably sucks to read, but that doesn't give permission for negative comments.

I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I was in need of a permission slip. Which safe space police do I need to file a claim with? People are free to express their opinions, author. It’s how you receive and handle said opinions that’s important.

If some of you managed to find this remotely enjoyable, well good for you, it's nice some people can like these adventures that pop up in my head. Thanks again for the support, and stay awesome.


Done and done. On one hand, I get it that the author is writing for his own entertainment, and I would never deprive him of that. On the other, his writings are self-indulgent, his characters are obnoxious, asshole sociopaths, and his plots are unoriginal clichés that only progress from point A to point B because character motivations and plot points are made up on the fly. When it wasn’t boring, it was dumb. When it wasn’t dumb, it was infuriating. I’m glad that it’s over. Thank you all for reading, I hope it was an entertaining ride.

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