A Crystal Rising - an unoriginal Steven Universe fanfic

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A Crystal Rising - an unoriginal Steven Universe fanfic

Post by ConcernedGamer » Sun Dec 15, 2019 2:38 pm

I'm just going to start off by introducing you to the summary of this M-rated story, A Crystal Rising, by the author ImageViewer. It's brief, it's bland, it's about as generic as you can expect from a bad fanfic.

A Steven Universe Fic: Blood onyx is a unique Gem unlike the rest of his fellow home world gems he is in fact a male gem the first of his kind created during the rebellion by home world watch as he rises through the ranks and becomes a legend. harem fic mature

If I were to sum up the predicted fiasco to be found within in one word, it would be 'mundane'. I cannot count the number of fanfics I've seen out on the Internet promising this super awesome character, wholly unique and special, who rises to glory while getting all the girls. Each and every one was an unashamed Marty Stu self-insert wish-fulfillment cliff-note exposition piece, that in one chapter skips straight on to the part where power endowments have been had, everyone loves the protagonist, and no one has a chance of opposing them, all while genital-carrying sock puppets parade around by the author's whims, fawning over the protagonist for no reason besides there being no plot saying they shouldn't. And in Steven Universe, where we find an entire race made out of feminine, shape-shifting, magical rocks that can be exploited by over-imaginative authors' misapprehension or disregard of even basic facts about these, this seem to be the default, run-of-the-mill product. A male gem - because of the author's genitals, who serves the Diamond Authority - because an entire matriarchy rewarding white knight gestures is the author's ideal fantasy, is the best there ever was - because he's an immortal, overpowered jackass who gets to decide what is morally just, and every Gem wants to bone him - because otherwise the author would have no motivation to write a fanfic, all the while misrepresenting genderless, inorganic aliens who doesn't reproduce through or engage in intercourse by their very nature. All that matters, however, is how bad the author is at even bringing this stock photo of a story template to life, and I can promise you already that this is one of the worse ones. Here's Chapter 1.

A Crystal Rising

This is my second Story that I have created so let go over what this is.

And lets go over the canon framing too, while we are at it. The first three chapters of this fanfic got published in January 2017. The nature of the Steven Universe show's plot twists coupled with Cartoon Network's abysmal release schedules, concludes that this story was started right before StevenBomb 5. Translating that into English, it means we are before Blue Diamond came to Earth, before we even got a glance of off-world places, before the flaws and faults and reveals of Pink Diamond and Rose Quartz was any more than speculation, theories, and repressed, not yet confronted baggage to Steven. Why is this important? Why, because the author decides to fill in the blanks to suit no one but his self-insert gemsona and presents it as a story.

I do not own Steven universe or any of it official characters but my OC this fic might a small harem depending on you people and who you want for my OC character.

Does every harem-peddling author I come across plead for their readers to stay hooked merely by offering their influence on their idea-bankrupt fanfics? Whatever happened to having a story of your own to tell?!

So let's begin this shall we also forgive for any bad gamma's or misspelling I have.

It's kind of funny coincidence that I was beginning to consider your literacy to be on par with Hulk-speech, author.

He could remember when he first emerge from his hole he was different from his fellow Onyx unlike his others that were more feminine he was of Blood red colour as well as a more muscular frame and was a male clearly unheard of thought the history of his kind at first they wanted to dispose of him because he was a defect but because of the war he was sent to fight for their empire in the first series of battles he proved him to his superiors with his abilities and fighting prowess with a double bladed sword.

Nobody panic, I think I can decipher this. So, Onyx (M), an off-color gem to a type that hasn't been mentioned in the show to this day, came out bearing features distinct to organic mammalian gender stereotyping of the XY-chromosomes, wherein I'm not sure the author even understands that Gems don't have genders to compare, consider, or even identify these things. Because of dwindling war resources, this guy got thrown to the battlefield while able to summon a likely impractical weapon that his fellow Onyx (F) don't have. You know, what, I'll just call him Monyx from now on.

Throughout the rebellion he was feared for all of the battles that he'd won and how he kept on wounding Rose Quartz yet all of his wounds healed almost instantly he was eventually given a title that still strike fear into the heart of rebels the Crystal Reaper it was bad enough that as a soldier they knew where he was at all time but due the rapid success of his battle and fights with the rebel leader that he was promoted to a commander of his own unit and lead battles that they unprepared for as he would be in one place first then in the blink of an eye he was leading an assault on them in a different frontier.

Two rampant, rambling sentences in and we have a Mary Sue already, on top of the author not even giving a damn about how gems actually function. Let's list my grievances. Monyx wins every battle he's in somehow, personally besting the opposing faction's leader in every confrontation. He heals from injuries that Gems aren't capable of getting as their forms dissipate when punctured. He becomes a commander above his station despite Gem society already being established to be a caste system. He gets a nonsensical, edgy title better suited had he been on the side of the Crystal Gems as he isn't reaping crystals, and for unexplained reasons he jumps from place to place to be more of a menace in the war. This entire backstory dump could fuel a single fanfic on its own, for crying out loud.

Having risen to the rank of a commander to lead his own unit of gems which consisted mostly consisted of onyx's and amethyst that look up to him with jasper as his second In command whose loyalty to him was unquestionable as she has always stood beside him from his first battle to now as they face off in what will be consider as their final battle with Rose Quartz and her trusted advisors.

A Jasper or the Jasper, author? Oh, who am I kidding, you are already writing this on the level of a six-year-old learning about small-talk, we'll have to jump to every assumption at this point before paying a cryptologist to do it for us. I'm sure Jasper could only dream of answering to an imperfect gem who "earned" a rank she never expected nor could have gotten in the canon, as the entire balance of the war falls to Homeworld because of this one pebble the author threw into the grinder. And why is there not a single, damn comma in this chapter?!

Glaring at her with pure hatred for the deaths of those that they formed bonds with as well as starting the war by destroying Pink Diamond. Blood Onyx stands tall with authority he speaks to Rose with a dry tone "it's over Rose

"The author is letting me claim the moral high ground! Oh, and I'm also called Blood Onyx now."

you're pathetic rebellion has failed and for what to divide our empire and make gems fight one another" replying with a sad tone in her voice "you don't understand I didn't start this rebellion to divide us but free us from tyranny where we would all be equal gem not ruled by a caste system created by the Diamonds"

"Let me just spout a line that the author fed me about caste systems that the author has already proven isn't a thing because of you, as I'm sure it'll be in character with how much I think all life is sacred and worth protecting and that Homeworld would destroy this planet, just like how it's been mentioned every time I've ever been brought up in the canon."

taking a deep breath before continuing "I feel sorry for you. You protect your gems whenever you can yet you still take orders from Tyrants" wanting to get this over with quickly he tell her "unlike you I know where my loyalty lies Rose Quartz this will be the day where I crush you gem with my bare hands"

Translation: For opposing the side that the author is having me exploit for his wish fulfillment fantasies, you must die. Yeah, his new name is going to be Moronyx instead.

summoning his Red double bladed sword he rush at her with a speed that no average gem possess his slash was block by Rose's infamous shield before she countered with her blade. While he was fighting Rose, Jasper was leading his forces against Roses remaining forces lead by Pearl and Garnet who were seasoned veterans of Rose army

Not a Pearl and a fusion, mind you, we are stuck in a narrative that's ambiguously omniscient at times and barely coherent even as it only becomes structured when I break it up to make wisecrack about it.

the battle was legendary as all that was left of Roses forces was Pearl and Garnet however with Red Onyx his battle was coming to a closed as Roses was spotting cracks and cuts on her form and crystal while Onyx look perfectly fine except for look exhausted

What a legendary, nondescript battle, entirely removed from the canon implications of Rose only being able to save two gems besides herself in the final attack from the Diamonds when Rose won the war. And now it's 'Red Onyx' and the gemstones are crystals, when will this author read his own notes?!

wanted to do some damage before she was destroyed she let onyx piece her side letting her destroy his gem with a single thrust of her sword.

So, author, all that pacifying, bubbling, healing, and protecting the current corrupted gems, who by your writing are all Homeworld gems, is just a thing Rose decided to do for shits and giggles after being used as your murder-happy pretend-antagonist, endowing your gem-suit with immortalizing self-resurrection powers? Huff a few fumes you didn't make yourself, would you?

With his gem cracked and laying on the ground in pieces both side stop fighting to see that Red onyx was destroy Distraught by the site of their leader gem in pieces they retreated from their battle with Jasper carrying all of his gem pieces in her hands swearing to the Crystal gem that they will have revenge before entering ship and leaving the planet when they got order from home world that they are going to bombard the planet and every Home world gem must leave at once.

Of course the entire army turns tail and runs when the Mary Sue shatters. It's not like they are winning and could get revenge immediately against the remaining three opponents or anything. And then the Diamonds, who doesn't even know that the only dick in their entire empire got shattered yet, somehow thinks the thousand year war that's going in their favor with nothing but winning streaks needs to be bailed on while nuking their sought-out resources from orbit.

Every home world ship was orbiting the earth with every occupant that wasn't destroy or make it to the ship watch with satisfaction as their cruisers and destroyers launch every arsenal that they had on to the planet surface until all that was left was chunks of what had been one large land mass on the planet was now barren with no plant life showing on the surface.

Every home world ship, except the one Peridot fled to in the canon. Every occupant that wasn't destroyed, meaning all the corrupted gems on Earth are Crystal Gems that the author's bad narration skills only left three. And every arsenal from battle cruisers and destroyers that is now here out of nowhere and somehow wasn't in use for a war effort in the first place during a simple colony rebellion, with no battle damage from them being there to speak of later, and with no explanation or reasonable effect to how it fits with the overall canon. Did this fanfic inspire J. J. Abrams, by any chance?

However their victory was short lived as news of Red onyx death reach their ears they could hardly believe it their immortal hero and idol was dead killed by the leader of rebels traveling back to home world where the Diamond Authority was calling for session to discuss what became of the final battle.

Because that's what leaders do, right? Hold sessions about a war they just won, to review and reflect like it was a board meeting, right? Can you just get to the resurrection scene, author, since you've already set the stage and propped up the flat cardboard cutouts of characters that haven't even appeared on the show when you wrote this?

Jasper carrying the remains of Red Onyx past tearful and crying gems of different species to the great chamber where the 3 remaining Diamonds who were seated along with their pearls. To the Right Yellow who was in charge of their military a tall woman that held an air of Authority with her Yellow pearl who held a smug expression on her face by being in the present of her Diamond.

This character made one face during one scene, that must mean they are always this way during any situation they are in. Are you really this simple, author?

To the was Blue Diamond that held grace at court with her blue robes covering her face and her Blue pearl who had an almost blank expression on her face.

Finally in the centre was White Diamond who was a mystery to all even her fellow Diamonds the court was filled with almost all of home world gems with cameras broadcast to all gem controlled worlds what the Diamonds had to say.

Get it over with, already. Just announce the shattering, if the author is even aware of that word, of Red Blood Crystal Reaper Onyx, who everyone in the entire Empire of course knows about already from piddling around on the surface of a single colony.

They ask for Jasper to lay he gem on the floor and recall on how he was crack following their orders Jasper laid all of Onyx's gem piece on the centre of the floor before retelling on how he defeated Rose Quarts before she destroyed his gem.

Defeated Rose Quartz? Right, that must be the term to use when you are shattered and your army flees after the fact, I'm sure.

Taking in the details of the battle from her and the gems involved just as they were about to give another order a bright light emanated from what was left of Onyx's gem as all of the pieces of his gem reform back together until they were whole again with the final piece in place Onyx form returned.

Getting up from the floor he finds himself in the middle of the Diamonds court room with thousands of gems with shocked and joyful expressions on their faces and non-more so than Jasper who grabs him in a bone crushing hug.

I'm not even surprised at the dumb shit going on as I've already read dumb shit like this that was marginally better in presentation. The author comes off as nothing but a prattling child so far up his own ass from diving into self-indulgent power fantasies that it is kind of adorable. "And this is my gemsona Blood Onyx, he is unique for his penis, and he's the best soldier, and leads a squad, and Jasper serves him unquestioningly, and he's undefeated, and even when he gets defeated the entire Gem Empire will mourn him for three whole seconds before he comes back through the powers of bullshit, and he is better than ever, and then the whole court clapped." You adorable little retard, I could pinch your cheeks you are just so stupendously bad at writing an actual story, author.

After her hug he asks her what happen after he was shattered explaining the retreat and the bombarding of the earth she tell him that she was just retelling his battle with Rose that his gem reformed itself just as the Diamonds were about to give judgement.

Judgement? Was the author talking about legal court when he said this was a court room?

With her finishing he turn towards the Diamonds and performed the home World salute "My Diamonds" he said awaiting their orders. It did not take long for them to speak "Red Onyx" they began

"Or Blood Onyx, or Crystal Reaper, or Commander, whatever, it's not like we are supposed to acknowledge you by facet and cut numbers or something, we are here to hopefully only metaphorically suck your dick."

"you have proven to use that you are a hero to home world by Destroying Rose Quarts

Something, as it bears repeating, he did while shattered too, he's just that awesome. Did you forget what actually happened, or did you realize you forgot to let your self-insert accomplish something new to be praiseworthy for, author?

so it is by the Authority of the Diamonds that you will be the leader of the onyx gems. you will represent them and lead them for the empire" saluting them once more "My Diamonds you honour me with title and Position I will do my role to best of my abilities".

"And I'll do so by probably never once being used as or acting like a commander of anyone but canon characters ever again. I'll just keep these made-up soldiers in my back pocket and forget about distributing them to anywhere in the galaxy."

With the session over he and Jasper walk out of the court "so a new job and title impressive" she began "what do you plan to do now?" she ask while he was about to reply he notice the strange expression on every gems face as they pasted positive yet unnerving looks they were giving him even Jasper who had red tint on her cheeks

And every creature able to shapeshift a vagina into existence will blush and swoon as he passes. Why, you may ask? Just because. What, I mean, it's not like the author can give an actual reason, right? I'm being serious here, do you for a second believe the author capable of such a thing?

"I don't know" he replied "do what comes naturally I suppose" walking with Jasper to his new role as leader of the Onyx's.

And we are several thousand years away from the canon. What are the odds that's not going to be glossed over faster than Tumblr condemns fanart for this show?

Ok that that's the first of my second fic that I have added today please send reviews if you like it and if there is any way I might improve it.


Are you serious, author? Go read another fanfic. Any fanfic. There's at least a nine-in-ten chance you find something better, with plenty of inspiration for all that this lacks. I can understand people have different levels of legibility, skills of language, even comprehension and retention of thought, but what excuses this? How about you pose the question to yourself, instead of relying solely on others telling you that you suck? I'll lend you a few, but you still have to ask them to yourself. A second draft, for starters, would that improve this mess? Commas, do they exist on your keyboard or potentially found in anything else you've ever read in your life? Did you study the source material enough to make this passable as anything but a fanfic by mistaken identity? Are you a ten-year-old intending to dabble in lemon writing by your summary warning, and therefore still deserve no kids gloves from me? Don't get me wrong, author, you can improve. The amount you can improve upon, however, is staggering to the point of amazement.

There are ten chapters in total of this, with varying lengths to them. The abysmal writing skills are not the worst I've seen, but the utter lack of ability on even conveying the narrative certainly makes this a target worth mocking. As the summary mentioned, sex scenes will be a thing to expect from it, too. I believe I will reflect on each chapter as I go along, sum up bottled up thoughts and discern why the author failed, as a lead-in setting the stage for the next chapter, as even this author's own writing can't really manage to draw a proper thread between them. I've seen cobwebs more difficult to tear apart than this.

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Re: A Crystal Rising - an unoriginal Steven Universe fanfic

Post by ConcernedGamer » Wed Dec 25, 2019 1:22 pm

Okay, let's first take a look at the previous chapter, and for fun and kicks analyze what the author failed to deliver in it, going by characters. Onyx. The author wanted a male gem war hero badass who lead the war on planet Earth. We got a rush job of a male template described by looking like a gem that no one outside the author's head has ever seen, with no reason for his superior abilities that pushes him up the inexistent ranks in the Homeworld hierarchy, despite being labelled as the type of gem that would be an outcast in the first place. Jasper. The author's target of affection for the fanfic, evidently, and what he wanted was a devoted underling for his self-insert. We got an unrecognizable blob with everything about her being the opposite of Jasper, from having rank herself and up to and including answering to an off-color gem. Rose Quartz. I think the author wanted to deliver the real thing. We got a discount, broken straw man mouthpiece mentioning something that the author half-heartedly thought he interpreted about her motivations, or he simply dumbed her down to let his self-insert off the hook for moral quandaries. The rest can hardly be analyzed as the author was going on breadcrumbs from that point onward.

That leaves us with the second chapter, diving into how much further this matriarch sycophantic male gem can fuck over all the well-established boundaries in the wish-fulfillment dispenser he pretends is the Gem Homeworld. Here's Chapter 2.

Centuries have passed since and Blood Onyx has gotten use to his role a Leader of all Warrior class gems under Yellow Diamond.

One line in and we are already retconning shit, I see. You made Moronyx leader of all Onyx gems, author, you numbskull.

But what he could not get use to was the stares and glance sent his way by other gems.

"Everyone desires me for some reason. Oh bother."

The Diamonds held him in high respect and often ask for him to perform jobs for them ranging from bodyguard and escort to acting as an advisor asking him of what his opinion of them is to how they should approach any situations in their path mostly Blue Diamond.


Yeah, sure, the flawless, unquestionable Diamonds holds this guy's opinion of them in such a high regard, of course. Did they say please and thank you, too, when they kindly requested their underling to do as commanded, author?! Look, you are the one who decided to put on the Gem Minion suit. Get back in line!

The Building type gems would craft him gifts and perform tricks for his amusement and affection. Sometimes these gifts were met by Jasper and other gems who would often tell him that they would keep them safe.

Give me a "Mary"!

The Science gems such as Peridot's would request for him to perform test ranging from Physical and gem abilities on to be shocked from his range of abilities and his Physical Attributes that surpassed any records that any gem held.

Give me a "Sue"!

The Warrior Gems all look up to him and would often ask to spar with him which leads to them in awkward grips and positions even Jasper joined in almost all the time.

Grapple-excused full body contact, just to hammer home how touchy-feely he is without totally intentionally seeking it out, because that would be even more obvious of why the author writes this.

Finally the pearls will always accompany him in his task's with the diamonds and this sometimes ended with them tripping on him cause him to catch them the worse being yellow pearl who would often tell him that he should honoured that he is in the presence of Yellow Diamonds top pearl and have the privilege of touching one such as her.

And now that we hopefully are done summarizing how everyone is kissing his feet and marveling at his nebulously incomparable accomplishments, together with all the white knight courtesies of a fedora-tipping neckbeard's wet dream, can we move on to any actual act, decision or even a character trait that can justify this being our protagonist, author? This story has so far been made out of cliff notes describing past events on a level akin to hearsay.

Over the years he'd discovered that his healing abilities didn't just apply to him but that he could bring cracked gems back as well as repair any damaged structures naturally of course the Diamonds use this to their full potential and the gems began to see him as the catalyst to a new golden age for their empire.

Oh, fuck you, author. Now your Gem Jesus silhouette breaks the narrative in half because you'll never make actual use of this. Pink Diamond's resurrection, does that thought even enter your vapid brain?! A short word-search of all ten chapters you wrote indicates no such event!! Yellow Diamond would have put the Earth through a sieve by hand if necessary to get back Pink Diamond's shards, just to have your Lazarus Device jizz on the remains in order to get her back, you moron! But, no, you just have them go "Oh, we are so honored, we have an entire new age because of this off-color Gem that we won't bother try and replicate for its usefulness, because that would make the author's dick flaccid."

Deciding to further examine his capabilities they ordered him to perform the forbidden act of fusing with a different gem than his own kind as he is the only one of him that was ever produced.

Well, that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? "Hmm, we already have a too-good-to-be-true over-powered gem who is loyal to us, but what if we exposed him to the thing that obviously escalated rebellious behavior in the first place?" But this is what the author wants to happen, and nothing he doesn't want to happen can come of it. There's having your head up your own ass, and then there is eating your own shit. This is both.

The volunteering gem was none other than Jasper who wanted to know what was fusion like as she has never been in one throughout her life.

So it was that two began the fusion by dancing with each other as they were hand in hand with Blood Onyx leading the dance that is known as tango.

So much for cheap tactics, huh? Of course it has to be mandated beyond the protagonist's decisions, too, because we don't want him to accidentally decline it or something. This doofus is not only having everything served to him, it's almost suspiciously deliberate how the story leaves no room for him to actually display autonomy.

It did not take long before both of their forms began to glow and lose shape until it merge together with both of their gems positions themselves anywhere on their body.

Just anywhere, because when was positioning ever significant or consistent, am I right? Why do I bother? I'd be surprised if this author could follow along to Head, Shoulders, Knees And Toes.

What came from the fusion was large red Spartan look alike gem with orange Helmet, large shield and armour but the skin, spear and rest of the body was all red.

Was I blackout drunk and missed a memo at some point, of how every fanfic author out there just simultaneously decided that Spartans were not only the coolest shit ever, but also a somehow defining, unanimous and shared description by the word's use in and of itself?

The fusion was up to the Diamonds legs in height.

Brown-nosing size is probably a better descriptor.

Testing their new form Abilities they discovered their abilities to Create and manipulate Large columns of crystals to sprout out of the ground as well as shaping them to their will.

Are they just materializing this stuff, or was it conveniently in the ground at wherever they were testing this out? Is this the titular rising crystal, then? Or is it the nonsense title Moronyx has? Or is it gem material, which the author has called crystal already? Consistency is just a suggestion to this author.

This new revelation shock the Diamonds and the gems monitoring the test that by the time the tests were over news had already gotten out about what their fusion can do, this of course sparked inquires of what other powers other fusions possess.

Author, the Diamonds already know the potential and use of fusion, from having had an opposing army of them. You and anyone watching the show up until the point you would be at can tell you exactly to what actions and extent that brought them. Does the Cluster ring any bells, you thoughtless, self-deluding ass-hat?!

The feeling he and jasper felt when fused was unforgettable it was like a sense of joy, completion and arousal

One of these is not like the other, and the odds are that neither of them will pretend to know what it even is later on when they decide to pork.

from each other this feeling didn't go away when they unfused and would often blush when they look each other in the eyes, this lasted on for a few weeks before they got back to their usual routine.

He'd meet many gems when working in between the Diamonds such as Blue Diamonds Jaspers, amethysts, carnelian and agate, most of them were from the beta garden so they had defection in they own way like the one jasper nicknamed skinny who was much more skinnier then regular Jaspers and the only Carnelian in Blue Diamonds Court was as short as paridot's.

Let's not mention why or how Moronyx came to meet these gems. He's rubbing elbows with Diamonds already and ushering in a golden age, I'm sure he has time and purpose to meet with all the gems introduced in the show after the point when the author decided to start and write this shit.

Agate was a pure gem that was in charge of the warrior gems in Blue Diamonds Court she expressed distain for the Beta gems as called them defects that should feel honoured that Blue Diamond 'allowed' them to be in her presents.

She's an Agate, author, strictly assigned to only the zoo and very vocal about it. Your viewpoint on Homeworld is so askew and narrow that it hurts.

When Onyx was on Blue Diamonds ship doing jobs for her Agate would praise both Blue Diamond and him, her mouth ran 24/7 about him, Diamond or when she berating the Beta's she would accompany everywhere he went. It had all ways got on Jaspers nerve's that she would voice her thoughts on Agate even in her presence which would spark a vocal and physical fight between the two that he'd have to break up with or without the other gems.

And we have the pet devotees and future cock-warmers pamper the dick-carrier by fending off minor nuisances to them, in scenarios solely crafted due to the author's desire for the former and dislike of the latter. You wouldn't believe how many fanfics I just summarized, it's like all these wannabe story writers function the same.

The Warrior gems however were a pretty calm and funny bunch when agate wasn't around or when he ditch her. They would joke and talk about their Kindergarten of how they came out and joke about their numbers and sizes,

Yeah, that one about them still being fifty even after the author's version of Rose Quartz shattered them down to less than twenty is a real knee slapper.

surprisingly Skinny was calmer then than the other warrior gems in Blue Diamond's court while Carnelian was an energetic ball of funny that laugh and jokes a lot with the other gems.

All of them were disappointed that he had to leave when his role was over or when he was called away for another reason. They had all express their sadness of him leaving but he promised that he would be back again when he finished whatever job they had for him.

He'll be back whenever another generic reason to do so comes along. It'll happen before you know it. Or never. Yeah, let's go with never for now.

That was a century ago and now he was called to Yellow Diamond his Leader that he answers to for a recon mission on the his birth planet Earth for an update on their Geo weapon within the Earth.

My shaking fist at Diamonds and fusions has turned into bit more than a fist by now. At least I hope Yellow Diamond asked him nicely to do this, since she has decided to send out the only gem upon which their entire golden age relies on, to a planet ready to break in half. I'm surprised he's even allowed to leave Homeworld at the off chance of him and his dick dropping into a black hole.

Walking in he performed the Diamonded salute by crossing arms and pulling his hands back until they form a Diamond shape and said "My Diamond you called for me"

Things and actions are suddenly being described in present tense, and we are less than a quarter page from the end of the chapter. It's jarring enough for me to believe we changed fanfic, and I welcome such ignorance.

"Yes I am sending you on a recon mission to the Earth for an update on my 'Cluster' we have also been getting reports of remnants of the crystal gem activity on that planet if you do find them Crush them" Yellow Diamond said looking away from her console to address Onyx

Saluting he made his way to his ship where Jasper was waiting for him, tell her of their new destination he saw the pained face she made when he mentioned the Earth and he couldn't blame her, she lost a lot of good friends and almost him but worst of all she lost her Diamond.

And the joyous thought of revenge and potentially punching Rose Quartz in the face didn't enter the picture? Welcome to waifu-Jasper, the off-canon, delicate, vestigial wallflower embodying whatever demure, supportive, attention-rewarding, affection-dispensing role the author needs her to have, as he bastes his orange flesh light with lube in preparation for the inevitable.

With their destination inputted onto the computer by the paridot that they will be escorting to the planet they prepared themselves for what they might face on that scared planet.

Down to the letter, this is exactly like sending the American Chief of Security off on a recognizance mission. I feel a whole lot of canon-regurgitation coming up in the near future, and no sir I don't like the sound of that one bit.

Finished I hope you like it and I will be adding a lemon scene into the series but you will just have to wait and see.

I can't wait to see whether you know what goes where, let alone witnessing your attempts to describe it.

I will continue to update my stories.

The line between promises and threats are blurred at this point.

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Re: A Crystal Rising - an unoriginal Steven Universe fanfic

Post by ConcernedGamer » Thu Jan 02, 2020 2:19 pm

Let's do this thing again, look back and see what went wrong, aside from concluding 'all of it'. Because nuance in complaining is important sometimes. Moronyx got treated to the ol' millennia time skip treatment. Thousands of years of being extra powerful, extra important, extra adored, and extra busy doing everything above and beneath his station, which ultimately means nothing happened, nothing changed, and nothing was found important by the author beyond reaching closer to the safety of the canon to supply his floundering narrative with a plot. One would think you could explore the ins and outs of the Gem Empire. You could develop the main character to say more than on average two sentences a chapter. Maybe you could even give a reason for why anyone should like him. And to that the author said: "I know, let him be able to un-shatter gems." But then he realized that would make everyone equally desire his crotch-knob, when he only wants Jasper, to which he said: "Fusion! That will give an excuse for my self-insert to get in Jasper's removable pants!" Ugh, more on that in this chapter, you might have guessed. Everything Chapter 2 gave us practically ignored everything established about Homeworld, even Season 1 extrapolations, so it might have been a blessing in disguise to have gotten the author to pull out as fast as he did. Problem is that he's sticking it back in. You know what's coming. Here's Chapter 3.

Hello all Imageveiwer here

You know, I was about to say that perhaps you should have stuck to your namesake, but then I figured I probably wasn't one to talk. You can't capitalize your own name right, however, ImageViewer.

saying that this will be the first time I am doing a lemon scene in a fic so I hope you like it as I tried by best with it.

Author, even if ignoring your current streak of displayed skill, a first attempt lemon scene is never going to be someone's best.

Any way the same as all ways review and add comments if you enjoyed it as well as giving your opinions on what could be added into it and who should be in his paring.

The trick authors utilize, perhaps unintentionally, is to feed their readers something that they at minimum can project their own imagination onto. You might fail even that.

A Different type of Dance, new member and old enemies revealed.

Oh, how many new enemies and many more wondrous worlds did the author's OC slaughter his way through during the skipped millennia of service to the aggressively colony-expanding antagonistic empire, that he alone carried into a whole new age of glory of lossless conquering? Ha! As if the author has ever carried a single thought to the ideas of such impact.

During their journey to Earth Jasper and Onyx used almost all of their time sparing but it was mostly because Jasper would insist on it and often request Fusion during their sessions that would often leave them Flustered until one of their spars turned in to something more that they will never forget.

I'm not expecting to forget it either, trust me. And why is your lemon wedged into a flashback pocket inside a past-tense exposition dump?


In the middle of their training arena Jasper and Onyx where panting from their long training however as they were both warrior class gems neither would end the spar until one of them submitted or lost

And with one of them being an overpowered Mary Sue that instantly heals from 'injuries', I wonder who the winner would be. I get you like the idea of you self-insert playing grab-ass, author, but could you at least be honest about the stakes?

with every ounce of strength left in their body they charged at each other once more and resulting in a stalemate with their handing lock with on and another using all of the will trying to gain an advantage against the other.

All sense left them as pure instinct took other in their battle for dominance the first to break this stalemate was Onyx who reared his head back in what look like he was preparing to head butt her only to for his Lips to meet hers and their struggle for superiority turned into a whole new dance that would be unforgotten to the Two.

Instinct. Of course! I'm just going to pretend you don't know the meaning of the word, author, as an alien race that reproduce through the very measures that spawned your self-insert wouldn't have this. And calling what they are about to engage in a 'dance' is like calling a 'mass shooting' a 'gun show'.


Wrapping his arms around her hips and her arms around his necks as a new battle rage within their mouths as their tongues dance around each other in a battle of dominance, placing his on her ass he Squeezed them cause her to moan as she warped her legs around his hips.

It's only fitting that they are contorting as much as the sentence describing them.

As this was happening their gems glowed causing their clothes to disappear leaving them naked showing his erect Penis and her shaved vagina as well as DD breast.

How considerate of the shape-shifting, hardlight hologram, alien rock to shave her pubes this morning, for when the unexpected instincts kicked in and made her decide to change her appearance modifiers, just so her crotch could please the author's fantasies. For fuck sake!!

Braking his lip lock with her his lips latched on her nipple and teasing it with his teeth causing her reaction to this pleasure in her chest to pull his head closer to her.

From his lower area he could feel dampness emanate from her that increases so much that now he could feel it on his dick out of pure instinct he slowly thrust his hips back and forth form hers as his member rubs against her vagina coating it in her juices.

And the reason Jasper is not at least pointing in horror at the deformity sprouting from between Moronyx's legs, as he is the only one in the entire empire to have one that I can't imagine he has shown off before, is?

A Cry from Jasper broke his thoughts as she cummed on his male organ, clutching him onto in a bone crushing grip that would of killed any ordinary man

Ordinary man, huh? It's almost like you don't want to acknowledge the fact that they don't have any of those around, just to elevate your self-insert, author.

she takes long and deep breaths trying to collect herself as she quivers from that orgasm. Not wanting to be outdone she uses all of her strength to push him on to the floor,

And by all her strength, you mean 'through' the floor, right?

laying on the floor with his back and Jasper on top of him she positions his member right at the entrance of her nether lips. Slowly the tip of member entered her nether lips and causing her to bit her lower lip

And this might be confusing to you, author, but what is a viable synonym for 'nether'?

to prevent her from crying out while Onyx was feeling the tightness of her walls causing him to groin from the pleasure around his member.

And meanwhile, 'paridot' is off doing nothing at all, evidently.

With his member fully inside her she slowly slams herself upon him repeatedly impaling herself on his member, picking up speed as she continues with Onyx now joining in sync with the rhythms of the thrust with his hands on her hips pulling them down upon him harder and faster then they began with.

How accelerating.

Cries of Pleasure echo's with the room as the two warrior's continued their intercourse and began feeling heat build within their organs until a white hot explosion erupted from their lower half's. her vaginal wall tightening around his cock as his cum erupted poring hot giz into womb. And Jasper feeling hot giz being poured into her reach her breaking point again as her pussy exploded with her juices on his hips and the floor they laid on.

See, when I can't trust your writing skills to describe literal details, author, I trust your metaphors even less so.

-lemon end-

Ending in their Climax both were in a state of bliss

I don't know if you were going for a climax for your readers, author, but I certainly got a laughing high out of reading the word 'giz'.

with Jasper collapsing on top of him pass out from their intercourse leaving Onyx awake to take in what had just happened to them that leaves them both butt naked on the training floor, deciding to rest after both their sparing and this new development he pick up Jasper carrying her in bridal fashion to their quarters.

With offhand use of concepts like being naked, passing out, and 'bridal' style, I hardly even recognize that you are attempting to write a fanfic involving Homeworld gems, author.

Placing her down in her own bed

Beds! You know, for sleeping!! You know what, fuck this author. It sounds like the most inoffensive things to get wrong, I know, but this is about the fundamentally basic understanding of how alien this race is supposed to be, details that even a seven-year-old will grasp and not get wrong. Gems don't sleep!!

he found that her arms was lock permanently around him unwilling to let go so he entered the bed with her and sleep from this tiring experience, during both their states of slumber Jasper cuddled up closer to him that when both woke up she was on top of him again.

Imagine her bed hair though. Unless the author envisions using it as a comforter, that is.

-flashback end-

From that day forth Jasper would often request they continue this new thing called sex to which happed almost every often in the training room or in their quarters,

They just happened to feel like calling it 'sex', of course, calling it any different would just be weird. And I'm sure they did a lot of this 'sex' on this single day journey from Homeworld to Earth.

another thing that happens is that when Onyx sleeps or wakes up Jaspers is in bed with him holding him closes or on top of him and sometimes humping him in her sleep as well as sticking so close to him that she was practically on him and look at him in a new light that of Love and Devotion.

Which is of course very different from how all her and everyone else's interactions and attention towards your self-insert has been described thus far, author, you marvel of a word smith.

When they finally reach earth they sent a number of scouting pods to survey the planet and gain intel on the Cluster however every pod sent to the planet was Destroyed before gaining any up to date information about the Cluster so they did not know what awaited them upon the Planet.

Oh no, I'm starting to see the roots of all the misconceptions. Author, Peridot sent her robonoids to repair the Galaxy Warp, and once that failed, sent more to monitor the Kindergarten data. And she did it from Homeworld territory. It was how Homeworld, and by your bad AU-extension, learnt that there were still Crystal Gems around! We are supposed to be at the Season 1 Finale, but you think we are still ten episodes behind that.

They decided to wait to see if they could get more information about what has happened to the earth in their absence of the scared world that appeared to have changed from their view in space. What had once been a barren and lifeless world of a thousand battles was now an aquatic world with large green landmasses in separated by water.

You are utterly thick for thinking a measly thousand battles in a thousand year war would alter Earth's surface in any capacity, author. I can't tell if you are overselling the carnage to benefit your totally kewl self-insert, or you think that's actually what happened. The interrupted Kindergatens are what leaves the surface barren wastelands you describe, you brick-for-brains! And you think the planet wasn't aquatic before this? What?!

Getting irritated by all of the failed expeditions from the dones sent as well as Peridot encounter with remnants of Roses army who's total number was unknown to them until now when a Lapis Lazuli was flying towards their Ship with her wings made of water.

Fucking hell, it's getting worse. Lapis made it back to Homeworld to learn how different it was, and subsequently get appointed Peridot's informant that Yellow Diamond assigned, author! Why are you this obtuse in misconstruing simple plot details? One would think you were altering things to fit with your OC's existence to allow the canon to be your crutch still, but I can tell you just simply don't know how things worked in the canon at this point.

Upon meeting the water manipulating gem who was taller than Paridot explain her Imprisonment with the Crystal Gems as well as detailing how many there are and describing what they look like. Two of the gem that were described was Roses most trusted generals and advisors a pearl and a fusion of the rebels Sapphire and Ruby known as Garnet as well as a new member described a flawed Amethyst due to her being shorter than then any warrior gems in her race.

Yeah, no, how the fuck would Lapis know even half of those details, author? Aside from the fact that she needs to, as you let Moronyx patiently wipe his feet until you believed yourself to have fast-forwarded yourself to the point in canon you needed?

With both the total number of rebels confirmed and their identities Onyx ordered their ship to descend to the Crystal gems home base and end this obstacle once and for all.

I hope you like it as it was my first time doing a lemon scene in a story.`

I'll allow you a mulligan to let you claim that you still haven't, author.

Any way I will be working on Crossover's like RageAddiction does in his stories so I will be busy with the other chapters but I will continue to update and add more to them as I possibly can.

Are you his fanboy or something, author? You say you'll do crossovers 'like RageAddiction does', when that's what half of Fanfiction.net does, you don't need a front figure excuse for this. And you are going to confuse people who by now won't know he changed his name handle to T. Kareon.

I do want to say that I've seen worse lemons, but that's probably because I barely saw this one happen. It was brief and practically thrown together. An immediate orgasm from unintentional rubbing and exploding reproductive organs aside, I've seen much worse, and I've also seen much, much better.

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Re: A Crystal Rising - an unoriginal Steven Universe fanfic

Post by ConcernedGamer » Sun Jan 26, 2020 3:27 pm

With what Chapter 3 brought us, this retrospective will be brief. Through past tense exposition diving into a flashback, the sex scene took place where the author forgot what Gems are. The - I don't know, passion? - that the author probably wanted to portray was nothing more than basic outlines for physical motions and exaggerated prose of stock orgasms to justify pretending Moronyx and Jasper are growing closer. Then the author had everyone wipe their feet at Earth's doorstep until the canon gave a green light and Lapis was wedged in by the author misinterpreting the script he stole. That should be the what, how and why, as far as I'm concerned, since now I have to worry how the author is going to either copy-paste the canon, or make a fool of himself in conveying it. Both? Yeah, probably both with my luck. Here's Chapter 4.

Passions revealed, old enemies and shocking surprises

Well, would you look at that. My own personal ghosts from the past, present and future, it would seem. Humbug.

IT was a lovely day for the people of beach city the sea's gulls cried over the soothing waves that beat against the sandy shores, all in all it was a Farley normal day for the inhabitants.

Farley? That's an auto-correction with its own capitalization. Are you writing this shit on a phone, author?

Until *BOOM* aloud shockwave rocketed the city shattering every glass object and pushing nearly everyone to the ground and scaring every animal away from the noise witch emanated just above the city,

No, go on, you can have a few more of 'every' type of thing being affected still, author, I believe in you.

"what the hey was that? Steven?" a fat middle age man with a large bald spot on his head asked a little boy with a large gold star on his shirt.

It's like the crayon drawings are coming to life before my eyes.

"is that a Hand?" the little boy asked spotting a floating giant hand in the distance with it's index finger pointing straight at the city.

-The ship-

Four home world gems watch what was supposed to be the areas of the final battle for the planet was now covered with plant life and inhabited with by the native's that advanced enough to build structures on the very spot of onyx and roses final battle.

You wrote this even after the episode revealing the shattering to have been in Korea, author. You wrote this after Episode 8, where we for the first time actually see what an ancient Gem battlefield looks like. Beach City isn't one of them, dipshit!

"so this is what has become of our home and once dead rock" onyx commented on seeing his birth place and place of his death, "I don't understand why we have to land on this hideous mud ball of a planet when we can just shoot them from orbit?" Jasper grunted at remembering their final battle and where he died.

"It's almost like I am meant to have a motivation to get up close and personal with them or something. Like I should have issues and reasons for the actions I'm taking, but maybe the author will figure something out."

"The rebels have had time to accommodate to their new world and I have no doubt in my mind that they manged to get some of our old tech working again" onyx explained

Such as? What are you going on about, author? The light cannons that Rose made?

"besides if what Lapis Lazuli here informed us of then there are three Crystal gems we need to deal with, Right Lapis?" Onyx asked looking at the blue water gem that averted her yes from his before answering "yes, a pearl, a fusion and amethyst".

"Onyx! Energy build up on the Surface!" Peridot informed him while piloting the ship "raise shields" the hand opened up with its palm facing the incoming projectiles that upon impact didn't do any damage before it reset to its index pointing position "hmm I was expecting more from them" Onyx commented as they continued to descend towards the area the projectiles came from.

Funny, I could say the same thing about you. What are you even, besides a puppet with which the author is sucking himself off, by pretending to be a part of the universe while having both powers and now supposedly intuitive yet pointless foreknowledge?

"How long until land?" Jasper asked excited at the idea of facing an old enemy from the war, "a couple of hours in this planets rotation time" paridot answered, grunting she left the room "notify me when we're about to land".

Oh, poor Jasper, the author made her sad, then made it dawn on her why she shouldn't be, then he made her sad again. Maybe she just thinks two Earth hours is a week in Gem time, because since when the fuck is that how you tell anyone how long things will take?!

"Proceed with caution to base and alert us if any happens" and with that Onyx left escorting the Lapis to her cell "you will be staying here until we return to home world, the reason why you're staying in there is because you can't be trusted to run around the ship, after all you've come from the rebels world after spending all this time trap there so we can't guarantee if you were their prisoner or one of them."

"Let me just exposit my reasoning out loud to you, to appear cautious rather than cruel, and accidentally lay out how you by now couldn't have sent a warning message to Earth to prepare the actual heroes of this story for what's coming."

Pushing her gently inside as the destabilization field separated her from the rest of the ship "once we complete our mission we'll return to home world and there you'll be questioned on you time on earth before being judged to return back to the empire" this saddened her "you have nothing to fear if what you say is true" and with that he left for his quarters.

It's like the author hasn't even had a second thought to actual words and context in his life. "If what you say can convince our ruling, shatter-happy dictators to not end your existence, when it now cannot even be confirmed that you are returning home out of your own free will, then you have nothing to worry about."

Upon entering his quarters he was tackled against the wall by Jasper who was spotting a familiar smirk on her face "now that the runts are put in their place's we can spend our time practicing" moving his hand to her ass cheek before squeeze with a similar look on his face "why I never thought you'd asked" before his lips met her and the sound moans and flesh meeting flesh could be heard outside the room.

I guess the light-projections just decided to pick up a couple of hams and duke it out. You were handed an episode of these alien beings literally becoming half-ejected out of a space ship, because it had its internal measures disabled as it went faster than the speed of light - light of which these aliens are made from, author! Were you too busy jerking off?!

-time skip the sun has set-

Can't we also just skip past the no doubt additionally exaggerated curb stomp and/or canon rip-off coming up, while we are at it?

Both were lying naked on the ground in each other's arms with her on top of him as the both of them were panting after their long session with the both never willing to surrender to each other until they were defeated, now silence engulfs the room with the sound of their breaths as the only sound that echoed through the room.

Can we at least hope that they all run out of oxygen and suffocate on their likely thirty day trek back, for the author to stay consistent with his many misconceptions?

"That was great, not even facing the rebels can give me this much excitement as you can" she commented hugging him closer to her as she settled her head in his neck, "I agree, Jasper?" "hmm?" "tell me why do we feel this way to each other, the need to be close to each other and not as a fusion but as two beings" Onyx asked wanting to know why they are like this to each other.

"Please, Jasper, work as the author's exposition tract for me to justify me getting laid and prove I'm not the undeserved instigator of our relationship. Because subtlety and romance is not only beyond the author's abilities, it's also beyond his kid's level dictionary."

"I don't know, whenever I'm around you I simple want to protect you and not as soldier to their commander but more than comrades, My chest hammers against my form when I think of you or being near you as an unfamiliar feeling emanates from within me that I simply can't control and it leads to this, where I want to be with you until the end of the universe" Jasper explained her feeling's that was as much different from Onyx as he thought.

Author, emotions aren't unknown to gems. They are forbidden, restricted, considered a detractor when found within or between Gems unfit to carry them depending on the station they were made for, which would arguably be all of them. But I guess that's how your skull mulch of a brain must have connected the dots out of order, thinking the society oppressively ignorant rather than ignorantly oppressive.

"I feel the same way, an instinct I cannot describe takes control when were alone and I simply can't stop thinking about you when we're together" embracing her closer to him "Jasper I-" he was cut off by Paridot announcing over the intercom "we are a few minutes from landing".

"And for Diamond sake, please mop up the floor after yourselves this time."

"well we need to get ready" he said slowly getting up forcing her to get off of him as the their clothes appeared over them again "pity I wanted to stay like a bit longer" Jasper grunted, wanting to please her a bit more, he offered her the very thing she craves as much as him "how would you like to lead the mission against the Crystal gems?"

Translation; A canon scene is coming up and the author don't want to alter any of it, so he just let's his world-breaking self-insert hand the reins he never really had over to this character, in order to pretend that makes his story totally and unquestionably compatible with the canon.

his answer came in the form of being tackled to the ground this time with Jasper sealing her lips with his before pulling back with a smile on her face "after we're done with the rebels, I'm gonna to have to think of some way to thank you" "I have a few ideas".

How about some of all the presents sent to him by his fans that the thankless prick never bothered to keep?

-Crystal gems-

The dark skies surrounding the city was illuminated in a bright glow by the approaching ship that headed towards two figures facing it, one was tall female figure with a box hairstyle and an even taller female figure with four arms wielding a bow that created an arrow made of pure energy, before releasing sending multiple arrow projectiles that bounced off the incoming ship.

This is just going to be a shot-for-shot retelling of the episode with a Mary Sue naval-gazing in the background, isn't it? It won't be my first.

Watching in despair as their attack did little damage that unknown to them the very thing they were supposed to protect was approaching them from behind

Earth is moving in for a sneak attack?

"at least Steven's safe" the gem with the shades and box hairstyle said.

"Hey guys!" a little boy with a star t-shirt said running up behind them

It's like you've forgotten you've already introduced these characters, author. Your narration is borderline schizophrenic.

"STEVEN!?" the gem exclaimed as the tall four arm woman split into two different woman, one was thin with a ballerina figure and a pearl on her head she was easy identified as a pearl, while the other was short with purple skin that could be described as a defective amethyst

I mean, when the author puts his stellar, deductive viewpoint like that, sure.

"you came back!/ What are you doing!? Get out of here!" "But" "It's too late just stay behind us" garnet ordered as the ship stop in mid air above the sea.

Then it turned upside down it's fingers curled into a fist before uncurling and landing on the beach shore, in the middle of the palm a blue ball emerged from the centre,

I'm fairly certain everything is currently supposed to be covered in a chromakey hue from the spaceship glow at the moment, author. How can you or anyone tell?

every one watch in anticipation of what's to come as the ball rolled down the palm and travelled up the index finger and stop as the finger hit the ground before it unravelled to reveal 5 figures on at the tip.

Ah, yes, Peridot, Jasper, Moronyx, Lapis, and Sir Not Appearing In This Fanfic, all five of them!!

"that's them alright they're the ones that keep breaking my machines" Paridot identified as she walked towards the edge showing the Crystal gems who she was followed by Jasper, "this is it?" Jasper grunted in disappointment at seeing what was supposed to be what left of Roses army.

You sound surprised, Jasper, since the author wrote you and your asshat fuck-toy into a legendary war where there were this exact number of rebels left, and you faced off against two of these personally with an army behind you and you still fled. I mean, wow, it's almost like none of that shit ever happened, huh?!

"Jasper! They keep interfering with my work!" Paridot exclaimed with Jasper sighing in annoyance "looks like another waste of my time", Steven watch as the huge gem look down on them like dirt before pulling out a familiar blue gem "hey get over here" Jasper ordered yanking lapis from behind her.

Both lapis and Steven gasped at see each other as he whispered her name "this is there base?" Jasper asked as Lapis diverted her eyes to the sand before answering "yes". "YOU. NEED. TO. LEAVE IMMEDITATLY!" Garnet yelled at them "this is not a gem controlled planet/ Yea step off" Pearl and amethyst added.

Look, author, Amethyst and Pearl aren't joined at the hip at this very moment, would it kill you to write their dialogue independently?

The three jumped down from the ship with Jasper still dragging Lapis "it's a shame that Rose Quartz was killed I would have loved to be the one to beat her into the ground"

Killed is an organic word, author. Are you even aware what Steven Universe is?

she commented causing Steven to step back in fear, "but this is all that his left of her army? Some lost defective Pearl, a puny overcooked runt and this shameless display" Jasper said listing off the three gems before setting her eyes on the only thing standing out "eh what is that?" Jasper asked pointing at Steven and causing the Gems to huddle in front of him in a protective manner.

I'll tell you. It's the true protagonist that your rock sugar daddy still hasn't stolen the show from, since all Steven had to do to be endearing and characterized was to show up and share dialogue that wasn't intent on gaining praise or pussy.

"it calls itself the Steven" Paridot answered "he's just a human!, he isn't a threat at all!, he's not one of them!" Lapis exclaimed trying to protect the little boy "human or not our mission here is clear" a new voice joined in that sent a wave of fear over the gems and causing Steven to clutch his stomach as his gem emanate fear and panic.

And everyone standing against the self-insert will quake with fear at his approach, including descriptions defying everything the show has already indicated can possibly happen.

"oh no" Garnet whispered as the individual jumped down from the ship and landed next to lapis "I thought you said I was leading the mission?" Jasper asked Onyx "you are and I am under you command" he said with a smile on his face as Jasper mouth widened into a wide grin showing off her teeth.

Keep your unrealistic role play scenarios to the bedroom, you two.

"i-it can't be she shattered you!" the shaking Pearl exclaimed at the site of their biggest nightmare somehow alive, turning to face her "I was shattered but thanks to Jasper here and my abilities, I am whole once more" he explained causing the little boy to step back in fear as his gem felt like it was screaming to him to run.

Author, stop having the ghost of Rose Quartz - which has never existed, glorify your cock-puppets intimidation factor to pretend this is totally serious and that he's extremely dangerous and important. Everyone is going to be captured like in the canon, and having your ego t-posing here like it means something is honestly laughable to me.

"Blast them with the ship" Jasper ordered to which Paridot typed into her wrist commanding the vessel to lift off a bit and point its charging index finger in a gun motion,

But why would she bother consider the fun of ordering around her boyfriend like he has suggested, you may ask? Nah, man, pretending that he isn't even here is the way to go. Boy howdy, if I didn't know any better, I'd say she knew from the script that their enemies won't be defeated by the first attack, if that even bears any significance.

"Steven! Get out of here!" Garnet yelled as the ground shakes "NO!" "I won't you risk your life!" "but this is my home and your all my family!" Steven cried out with tears in his eyes, unknown to everyone his gem lights up through his shirt.

Unknown even to all the people you're going to tell us are looking directly at him in the next sentence, author?

As the crystal gems looked at Steven with fear as he was the legacy of their leader "fire" Paridot said with a bored stare before firing, "I'm, I'm a crystal gem too!" Steven cried out as he rush to meet the incoming laser head on creating an explosion upon impact that clouded the area where the gems used to be.

And they are vaporized, completely gone, used to be. Well, of course not, the author just can't even write his faulty narration correctly, but I'd rather have that happen than let them potentially be dragged through the future muck of the self-insert's self-indulgent, one-sided power trips to get the author his jollies.

The home world gems gasped in shock at the familiar shield being used by the boy who protected his friends from the blast, "That Shield! That Symbol!" Jasper exclaimed at the sight of a familiar Symbol that dispersed causing the boy to fall forward onto the sand with nothing to lean against, "you have the power of rose quartz!".

To be honest, he inherited a whole lot more than just her powers.

"Now do you believe I needed an escort!?" Paridot said with sarcasm, "fire a barrage wide spread!" Jasper ordered as Paridot swiped her finger against the screen causing the ship to fire a beam cutting across beach and separating pearl and Amethyst from Garnet who grabbed Steven and leap forward from the blast.

"Rose!" onyx addressed the fallen boy at their feet with no site of the fusion "Why have you been reduced into that pitiful form?"

Ah, yes, nothing like stolen and reformulated dialogue moments regurgitated from the chewed up canon, spouted by the OC self-insert so as to pretend that they exist. This is Jet's Universe all over again.

he asked as lapis ran up beside him "Don't hurt him!" she cried out, "you Knew about this!?" Jasper accused the blue gem "it wasn't relevant to the mission!" she cried out

"You know, this mission that I am now somehow a part of after having been caught on your windshield." Are you even catching half of the clues you've written out yourself in your copy-paste haste, author?

"Forget about the mission!" Jasper yelled out "Yellow diamond needs to see this ... thing!".

What, this? This gem that's been embedded in flesh? What's wrong with that now? I'm asking in genuine consideration for your abhorrent lack of cohesion in your self-made wank material, author. Are you retarded?

Once she finished that sentence Garnet bursts from the sand behind Steven armed with her gauntlets, "good" Jasper whispered in excitement as she summons her helmet and blocks the charging gems fist with it creating a shock wave that knocks Steven and garnet away from the blast.

Is Moronyx too busy tying his shoelaces or something?

"prime the gem destabilizer" Jasper ordered as she whipped out a destabilizer and rush to meet the fusion head on, stabbing the fusion with the rod, everyone watch as Garnet was electrocuted for several seconds before her face cracked and her entire being followed as they developed around her limbs and frame as everyone watch in slow motion as her limbs separated from her body before she exploded leaving only two gems and prints of her gone limbs imprints in her place.

Watching something happen in slow motion is just something people can do in this world, you see. I'm sure it's not that the author is completely blind to the usage and his inability of conveying a visual medium in a fanfic.

"We were there you know" Jasper told Steven

"And I'm telling you this, because we were right up in your face at the last battle! I'm sure I don't even have to remind you that in this fanfic this is not the first time we've ever met!"

"at the first war for this garbage planet, I fought against your army's, I respected your tactics but this" she continue looking down at the shaking boy and his exposed gem before grabbing by the shirt and lifting him up "IS SICK!" she exclaim causing the two remaining gems to charge at them.

"After this is over, I need to do so much banging of my flesh against my off-color, male superior's flesh before I can feel any better.

"unhand him!" Pearl yelled as she charge at them with Amethyst "I don't get what your planning rose but look your base is taken" gesturing to the crumbling statue "your armies are ruined" the two remaining gems "you have failed!" her helmet disappeared before she head-butted him rendering him unconscious before dropping him on the floor and meeting the rebels head on destroying their forms leaving only their gems.


How magnificent, what with Moronyx just standing there, gracing us with none of his über powerful abilities, his very presence itself being but a second thought. Bravo, author, you have accomplished nothing but proving that your fanfic doesn't have the balls to even grace the canon with a lick of change, merely because you think none of your additions thus far should have done so for merely existing, you uninspired, spineless hack.

"So what now Jasper it's you call?" onyx said reminding her that she was still in charge

"I know I have orders from my superiors, but I can't be making the decisions, as that would force the cowardly author to improvise and be creative, so I'll pretend I can just shove off plot development responsibility onto you now."

"we return to home world where the prisoners will be judged before the diamonds" she ordered grabbing pearl and amethyst as well as dragging lapis by the arm's towards hers while Onyx lifted Stevens body and ruby and sapphire before entering the ship and placing them in separate cells.

Now we find them on the bridge taking off from the planet

Now we find the author to be even more lacking in his sense of narration and scene transitions.

"relay a message to home world, tell them we are transporting the rebel prisoners pearl, the fusion garnet, a defective amethyst from earth as well as Rose Quartz" Jasper order Paridot who was multitasking

When dealing with all this shit from so many angles, who can blame her?

"Done" she said after typing into a console on her right.

Sorry it took a while but I hope you like, please review if you think there needs to be changes or there are mistakes that needs to be corrected.

Yes, and yes. If you want them in chronological order, you should do that one thing you might be very unfamiliar with, author. Reread your shit.

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