A Crystal Rising - an unoriginal Steven Universe fanfic

Anything goes...
Post Reply
User avatar
Posts: 128
Joined: Thu Jun 22, 2017 11:03 am
Location: Denmark

A Crystal Rising - an unoriginal Steven Universe fanfic

Post by ConcernedGamer » Sun Dec 15, 2019 2:38 pm

I'm just going to start off by introducing you to the summary of this M-rated story, A Crystal Rising, by the author ImageViewer. It's brief, it's bland, it's about as generic as you can expect from a bad fanfic.

A Steven Universe Fic: Blood onyx is a unique Gem unlike the rest of his fellow home world gems he is in fact a male gem the first of his kind created during the rebellion by home world watch as he rises through the ranks and becomes a legend. harem fic mature

If I were to sum up the predicted fiasco to be found within in one word, it would be 'mundane'. I cannot count the number of fanfics I've seen out on the Internet promising this super awesome character, wholly unique and special, who rises to glory while getting all the girls. Each and every one was an unashamed Marty Stu self-insert wish-fulfillment cliff-note exposition piece, that in one chapter skips straight on to the part where power endowments have been had, everyone loves the protagonist, and no one has a chance of opposing them, all while genital-carrying sock puppets parade around by the author's whims, fawning over the protagonist for no reason besides there being no plot saying they shouldn't. And in Steven Universe, where we find an entire race made out of feminine, shape-shifting, magical rocks that can be exploited by over-imaginative authors' misapprehension or disregard of even basic facts about these, this seem to be the default, run-of-the-mill product. A male gem - because of the author's genitals, who serves the Diamond Authority - because an entire matriarchy rewarding white knight gestures is the author's ideal fantasy, is the best there ever was - because he's an immortal, overpowered jackass who gets to decide what is morally just, and every Gem wants to bone him - because otherwise the author would have no motivation to write a fanfic, all the while misrepresenting genderless, inorganic aliens who doesn't reproduce through or engage in intercourse by their very nature. All that matters, however, is how bad the author is at even bringing this stock photo of a story template to life, and I can promise you already that this is one of the worse ones. Here's Chapter 1.

A Crystal Rising

This is my second Story that I have created so let go over what this is.

And lets go over the canon framing too, while we are at it. The first three chapters of this fanfic got published in January 2017. The nature of the Steven Universe show's plot twists coupled with Cartoon Network's abysmal release schedules, concludes that this story was started right before StevenBomb 5. Translating that into English, it means we are before Blue Diamond came to Earth, before we even got a glance of off-world places, before the flaws and faults and reveals of Pink Diamond and Rose Quartz was any more than speculation, theories, and repressed, not yet confronted baggage to Steven. Why is this important? Why, because the author decides to fill in the blanks to suit no one but his self-insert gemsona and presents it as a story.

I do not own Steven universe or any of it official characters but my OC this fic might a small harem depending on you people and who you want for my OC character.

Does every harem-peddling author I come across plead for their readers to stay hooked merely by offering their influence on their idea-bankrupt fanfics? Whatever happened to having a story of your own to tell?!

So let's begin this shall we also forgive for any bad gamma's or misspelling I have.

It's kind of funny coincidence that I was beginning to consider your literacy to be on par with Hulk-speech, author.

He could remember when he first emerge from his hole he was different from his fellow Onyx unlike his others that were more feminine he was of Blood red colour as well as a more muscular frame and was a male clearly unheard of thought the history of his kind at first they wanted to dispose of him because he was a defect but because of the war he was sent to fight for their empire in the first series of battles he proved him to his superiors with his abilities and fighting prowess with a double bladed sword.

Nobody panic, I think I can decipher this. So, Onyx (M), an off-color gem to a type that hasn't been mentioned in the show to this day, came out bearing features distinct to organic mammalian gender stereotyping of the XY-chromosomes, wherein I'm not sure the author even understands that Gems don't have genders to compare, consider, or even identify these things. Because of dwindling war resources, this guy got thrown to the battlefield while able to summon a likely impractical weapon that his fellow Onyx (F) don't have. You know, what, I'll just call him Monyx from now on.

Throughout the rebellion he was feared for all of the battles that he'd won and how he kept on wounding Rose Quartz yet all of his wounds healed almost instantly he was eventually given a title that still strike fear into the heart of rebels the Crystal Reaper it was bad enough that as a soldier they knew where he was at all time but due the rapid success of his battle and fights with the rebel leader that he was promoted to a commander of his own unit and lead battles that they unprepared for as he would be in one place first then in the blink of an eye he was leading an assault on them in a different frontier.

Two rampant, rambling sentences in and we have a Mary Sue already, on top of the author not even giving a damn about how gems actually function. Let's list my grievances. Monyx wins every battle he's in somehow, personally besting the opposing faction's leader in every confrontation. He heals from injuries that Gems aren't capable of getting as their forms dissipate when punctured. He becomes a commander above his station despite Gem society already being established to be a caste system. He gets a nonsensical, edgy title better suited had he been on the side of the Crystal Gems as he isn't reaping crystals, and for unexplained reasons he jumps from place to place to be more of a menace in the war. This entire backstory dump could fuel a single fanfic on its own, for crying out loud.

Having risen to the rank of a commander to lead his own unit of gems which consisted mostly consisted of onyx's and amethyst that look up to him with jasper as his second In command whose loyalty to him was unquestionable as she has always stood beside him from his first battle to now as they face off in what will be consider as their final battle with Rose Quartz and her trusted advisors.

A Jasper or the Jasper, author? Oh, who am I kidding, you are already writing this on the level of a six-year-old learning about small-talk, we'll have to jump to every assumption at this point before paying a cryptologist to do it for us. I'm sure Jasper could only dream of answering to an imperfect gem who "earned" a rank she never expected nor could have gotten in the canon, as the entire balance of the war falls to Homeworld because of this one pebble the author threw into the grinder. And why is there not a single, damn comma in this chapter?!

Glaring at her with pure hatred for the deaths of those that they formed bonds with as well as starting the war by destroying Pink Diamond. Blood Onyx stands tall with authority he speaks to Rose with a dry tone "it's over Rose

"The author is letting me claim the moral high ground! Oh, and I'm also called Blood Onyx now."

you're pathetic rebellion has failed and for what to divide our empire and make gems fight one another" replying with a sad tone in her voice "you don't understand I didn't start this rebellion to divide us but free us from tyranny where we would all be equal gem not ruled by a caste system created by the Diamonds"

"Let me just spout a line that the author fed me about caste systems that the author has already proven isn't a thing because of you, as I'm sure it'll be in character with how much I think all life is sacred and worth protecting and that Homeworld would destroy this planet, just like how it's been mentioned every time I've ever been brought up in the canon."

taking a deep breath before continuing "I feel sorry for you. You protect your gems whenever you can yet you still take orders from Tyrants" wanting to get this over with quickly he tell her "unlike you I know where my loyalty lies Rose Quartz this will be the day where I crush you gem with my bare hands"

Translation: For opposing the side that the author is having me exploit for his wish fulfillment fantasies, you must die. Yeah, his new name is going to be Moronyx instead.

summoning his Red double bladed sword he rush at her with a speed that no average gem possess his slash was block by Rose's infamous shield before she countered with her blade. While he was fighting Rose, Jasper was leading his forces against Roses remaining forces lead by Pearl and Garnet who were seasoned veterans of Rose army

Not a Pearl and a fusion, mind you, we are stuck in a narrative that's ambiguously omniscient at times and barely coherent even as it only becomes structured when I break it up to make wisecrack about it.

the battle was legendary as all that was left of Roses forces was Pearl and Garnet however with Red Onyx his battle was coming to a closed as Roses was spotting cracks and cuts on her form and crystal while Onyx look perfectly fine except for look exhausted

What a legendary, nondescript battle, entirely removed from the canon implications of Rose only being able to save two gems besides herself in the final attack from the Diamonds when Rose won the war. And now it's 'Red Onyx' and the gemstones are crystals, when will this author read his own notes?!

wanted to do some damage before she was destroyed she let onyx piece her side letting her destroy his gem with a single thrust of her sword.

So, author, all that pacifying, bubbling, healing, and protecting the current corrupted gems, who by your writing are all Homeworld gems, is just a thing Rose decided to do for shits and giggles after being used as your murder-happy pretend-antagonist, endowing your gem-suit with immortalizing self-resurrection powers? Huff a few fumes you didn't make yourself, would you?

With his gem cracked and laying on the ground in pieces both side stop fighting to see that Red onyx was destroy Distraught by the site of their leader gem in pieces they retreated from their battle with Jasper carrying all of his gem pieces in her hands swearing to the Crystal gem that they will have revenge before entering ship and leaving the planet when they got order from home world that they are going to bombard the planet and every Home world gem must leave at once.

Of course the entire army turns tail and runs when the Mary Sue shatters. It's not like they are winning and could get revenge immediately against the remaining three opponents or anything. And then the Diamonds, who doesn't even know that the only dick in their entire empire got shattered yet, somehow thinks the thousand year war that's going in their favor with nothing but winning streaks needs to be bailed on while nuking their sought-out resources from orbit.

Every home world ship was orbiting the earth with every occupant that wasn't destroy or make it to the ship watch with satisfaction as their cruisers and destroyers launch every arsenal that they had on to the planet surface until all that was left was chunks of what had been one large land mass on the planet was now barren with no plant life showing on the surface.

Every home world ship, except the one Peridot fled to in the canon. Every occupant that wasn't destroyed, meaning all the corrupted gems on Earth are Crystal Gems that the author's bad narration skills only left three. And every arsenal from battle cruisers and destroyers that is now here out of nowhere and somehow wasn't in use for a war effort in the first place during a simple colony rebellion, with no battle damage from them being there to speak of later, and with no explanation or reasonable effect to how it fits with the overall canon. Did this fanfic inspire J. J. Abrams, by any chance?

However their victory was short lived as news of Red onyx death reach their ears they could hardly believe it their immortal hero and idol was dead killed by the leader of rebels traveling back to home world where the Diamond Authority was calling for session to discuss what became of the final battle.

Because that's what leaders do, right? Hold sessions about a war they just won, to review and reflect like it was a board meeting, right? Can you just get to the resurrection scene, author, since you've already set the stage and propped up the flat cardboard cutouts of characters that haven't even appeared on the show when you wrote this?

Jasper carrying the remains of Red Onyx past tearful and crying gems of different species to the great chamber where the 3 remaining Diamonds who were seated along with their pearls. To the Right Yellow who was in charge of their military a tall woman that held an air of Authority with her Yellow pearl who held a smug expression on her face by being in the present of her Diamond.

This character made one face during one scene, that must mean they are always this way during any situation they are in. Are you really this simple, author?

To the was Blue Diamond that held grace at court with her blue robes covering her face and her Blue pearl who had an almost blank expression on her face.

Finally in the centre was White Diamond who was a mystery to all even her fellow Diamonds the court was filled with almost all of home world gems with cameras broadcast to all gem controlled worlds what the Diamonds had to say.

Get it over with, already. Just announce the shattering, if the author is even aware of that word, of Red Blood Crystal Reaper Onyx, who everyone in the entire Empire of course knows about already from piddling around on the surface of a single colony.

They ask for Jasper to lay he gem on the floor and recall on how he was crack following their orders Jasper laid all of Onyx's gem piece on the centre of the floor before retelling on how he defeated Rose Quarts before she destroyed his gem.

Defeated Rose Quartz? Right, that must be the term to use when you are shattered and your army flees after the fact, I'm sure.

Taking in the details of the battle from her and the gems involved just as they were about to give another order a bright light emanated from what was left of Onyx's gem as all of the pieces of his gem reform back together until they were whole again with the final piece in place Onyx form returned.

Getting up from the floor he finds himself in the middle of the Diamonds court room with thousands of gems with shocked and joyful expressions on their faces and non-more so than Jasper who grabs him in a bone crushing hug.

I'm not even surprised at the dumb shit going on as I've already read dumb shit like this that was marginally better in presentation. The author comes off as nothing but a prattling child so far up his own ass from diving into self-indulgent power fantasies that it is kind of adorable. "And this is my gemsona Blood Onyx, he is unique for his penis, and he's the best soldier, and leads a squad, and Jasper serves him unquestioningly, and he's undefeated, and even when he gets defeated the entire Gem Empire will mourn him for three whole seconds before he comes back through the powers of bullshit, and he is better than ever, and then the whole court clapped." You adorable little retard, I could pinch your cheeks you are just so stupendously bad at writing an actual story, author.

After her hug he asks her what happen after he was shattered explaining the retreat and the bombarding of the earth she tell him that she was just retelling his battle with Rose that his gem reformed itself just as the Diamonds were about to give judgement.

Judgement? Was the author talking about legal court when he said this was a court room?

With her finishing he turn towards the Diamonds and performed the home World salute "My Diamonds" he said awaiting their orders. It did not take long for them to speak "Red Onyx" they began

"Or Blood Onyx, or Crystal Reaper, or Commander, whatever, it's not like we are supposed to acknowledge you by facet and cut numbers or something, we are here to hopefully only metaphorically suck your dick."

"you have proven to use that you are a hero to home world by Destroying Rose Quarts

Something, as it bears repeating, he did while shattered too, he's just that awesome. Did you forget what actually happened, or did you realize you forgot to let your self-insert accomplish something new to be praiseworthy for, author?

so it is by the Authority of the Diamonds that you will be the leader of the onyx gems. you will represent them and lead them for the empire" saluting them once more "My Diamonds you honour me with title and Position I will do my role to best of my abilities".

"And I'll do so by probably never once being used as or acting like a commander of anyone but canon characters ever again. I'll just keep these made-up soldiers in my back pocket and forget about distributing them to anywhere in the galaxy."

With the session over he and Jasper walk out of the court "so a new job and title impressive" she began "what do you plan to do now?" she ask while he was about to reply he notice the strange expression on every gems face as they pasted positive yet unnerving looks they were giving him even Jasper who had red tint on her cheeks

And every creature able to shapeshift a vagina into existence will blush and swoon as he passes. Why, you may ask? Just because. What, I mean, it's not like the author can give an actual reason, right? I'm being serious here, do you for a second believe the author capable of such a thing?

"I don't know" he replied "do what comes naturally I suppose" walking with Jasper to his new role as leader of the Onyx's.

And we are several thousand years away from the canon. What are the odds that's not going to be glossed over faster than Tumblr condemns fanart for this show?

Ok that that's the first of my second fic that I have added today please send reviews if you like it and if there is any way I might improve it.


Are you serious, author? Go read another fanfic. Any fanfic. There's at least a nine-in-ten chance you find something better, with plenty of inspiration for all that this lacks. I can understand people have different levels of legibility, skills of language, even comprehension and retention of thought, but what excuses this? How about you pose the question to yourself, instead of relying solely on others telling you that you suck? I'll lend you a few, but you still have to ask them to yourself. A second draft, for starters, would that improve this mess? Commas, do they exist on your keyboard or potentially found in anything else you've ever read in your life? Did you study the source material enough to make this passable as anything but a fanfic by mistaken identity? Are you a ten-year-old intending to dabble in lemon writing by your summary warning, and therefore still deserve no kids gloves from me? Don't get me wrong, author, you can improve. The amount you can improve upon, however, is staggering to the point of amazement.

There are ten chapters in total of this, with varying lengths to them. The abysmal writing skills are not the worst I've seen, but the utter lack of ability on even conveying the narrative certainly makes this a target worth mocking. As the summary mentioned, sex scenes will be a thing to expect from it, too. I believe I will reflect on each chapter as I go along, sum up bottled up thoughts and discern why the author failed, as a lead-in setting the stage for the next chapter, as even this author's own writing can't really manage to draw a proper thread between them. I've seen cobwebs more difficult to tear apart than this.

User avatar
Posts: 128
Joined: Thu Jun 22, 2017 11:03 am
Location: Denmark

Re: A Crystal Rising - an unoriginal Steven Universe fanfic

Post by ConcernedGamer » Wed Dec 25, 2019 1:22 pm

Okay, let's first take a look at the previous chapter, and for fun and kicks analyze what the author failed to deliver in it, going by characters. Onyx. The author wanted a male gem war hero badass who lead the war on planet Earth. We got a rush job of a male template described by looking like a gem that no one outside the author's head has ever seen, with no reason for his superior abilities that pushes him up the inexistent ranks in the Homeworld hierarchy, despite being labelled as the type of gem that would be an outcast in the first place. Jasper. The author's target of affection for the fanfic, evidently, and what he wanted was a devoted underling for his self-insert. We got an unrecognizable blob with everything about her being the opposite of Jasper, from having rank herself and up to and including answering to an off-color gem. Rose Quartz. I think the author wanted to deliver the real thing. We got a discount, broken straw man mouthpiece mentioning something that the author half-heartedly thought he interpreted about her motivations, or he simply dumbed her down to let his self-insert off the hook for moral quandaries. The rest can hardly be analyzed as the author was going on breadcrumbs from that point onward.

That leaves us with the second chapter, diving into how much further this matriarch sycophantic male gem can fuck over all the well-established boundaries in the wish-fulfillment dispenser he pretends is the Gem Homeworld. Here's Chapter 2.

Centuries have passed since and Blood Onyx has gotten use to his role a Leader of all Warrior class gems under Yellow Diamond.

One line in and we are already retconning shit, I see. You made Moronyx leader of all Onyx gems, author, you numbskull.

But what he could not get use to was the stares and glance sent his way by other gems.

"Everyone desires me for some reason. Oh bother."

The Diamonds held him in high respect and often ask for him to perform jobs for them ranging from bodyguard and escort to acting as an advisor asking him of what his opinion of them is to how they should approach any situations in their path mostly Blue Diamond.


Yeah, sure, the flawless, unquestionable Diamonds holds this guy's opinion of them in such a high regard, of course. Did they say please and thank you, too, when they kindly requested their underling to do as commanded, author?! Look, you are the one who decided to put on the Gem Minion suit. Get back in line!

The Building type gems would craft him gifts and perform tricks for his amusement and affection. Sometimes these gifts were met by Jasper and other gems who would often tell him that they would keep them safe.

Give me a "Mary"!

The Science gems such as Peridot's would request for him to perform test ranging from Physical and gem abilities on to be shocked from his range of abilities and his Physical Attributes that surpassed any records that any gem held.

Give me a "Sue"!

The Warrior Gems all look up to him and would often ask to spar with him which leads to them in awkward grips and positions even Jasper joined in almost all the time.

Grapple-excused full body contact, just to hammer home how touchy-feely he is without totally intentionally seeking it out, because that would be even more obvious of why the author writes this.

Finally the pearls will always accompany him in his task's with the diamonds and this sometimes ended with them tripping on him cause him to catch them the worse being yellow pearl who would often tell him that he should honoured that he is in the presence of Yellow Diamonds top pearl and have the privilege of touching one such as her.

And now that we hopefully are done summarizing how everyone is kissing his feet and marveling at his nebulously incomparable accomplishments, together with all the white knight courtesies of a fedora-tipping neckbeard's wet dream, can we move on to any actual act, decision or even a character trait that can justify this being our protagonist, author? This story has so far been made out of cliff notes describing past events on a level akin to hearsay.

Over the years he'd discovered that his healing abilities didn't just apply to him but that he could bring cracked gems back as well as repair any damaged structures naturally of course the Diamonds use this to their full potential and the gems began to see him as the catalyst to a new golden age for their empire.

Oh, fuck you, author. Now your Gem Jesus silhouette breaks the narrative in half because you'll never make actual use of this. Pink Diamond's resurrection, does that thought even enter your vapid brain?! A short word-search of all ten chapters you wrote indicates no such event!! Yellow Diamond would have put the Earth through a sieve by hand if necessary to get back Pink Diamond's shards, just to have your Lazarus Device jizz on the remains in order to get her back, you moron! But, no, you just have them go "Oh, we are so honored, we have an entire new age because of this off-color Gem that we won't bother try and replicate for its usefulness, because that would make the author's dick flaccid."

Deciding to further examine his capabilities they ordered him to perform the forbidden act of fusing with a different gem than his own kind as he is the only one of him that was ever produced.

Well, that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? "Hmm, we already have a too-good-to-be-true over-powered gem who is loyal to us, but what if we exposed him to the thing that obviously escalated rebellious behavior in the first place?" But this is what the author wants to happen, and nothing he doesn't want to happen can come of it. There's having your head up your own ass, and then there is eating your own shit. This is both.

The volunteering gem was none other than Jasper who wanted to know what was fusion like as she has never been in one throughout her life.

So it was that two began the fusion by dancing with each other as they were hand in hand with Blood Onyx leading the dance that is known as tango.

So much for cheap tactics, huh? Of course it has to be mandated beyond the protagonist's decisions, too, because we don't want him to accidentally decline it or something. This doofus is not only having everything served to him, it's almost suspiciously deliberate how the story leaves no room for him to actually display autonomy.

It did not take long before both of their forms began to glow and lose shape until it merge together with both of their gems positions themselves anywhere on their body.

Just anywhere, because when was positioning ever significant or consistent, am I right? Why do I bother? I'd be surprised if this author could follow along to Head, Shoulders, Knees And Toes.

What came from the fusion was large red Spartan look alike gem with orange Helmet, large shield and armour but the skin, spear and rest of the body was all red.

Was I blackout drunk and missed a memo at some point, of how every fanfic author out there just simultaneously decided that Spartans were not only the coolest shit ever, but also a somehow defining, unanimous and shared description by the word's use in and of itself?

The fusion was up to the Diamonds legs in height.

Brown-nosing size is probably a better descriptor.

Testing their new form Abilities they discovered their abilities to Create and manipulate Large columns of crystals to sprout out of the ground as well as shaping them to their will.

Are they just materializing this stuff, or was it conveniently in the ground at wherever they were testing this out? Is this the titular rising crystal, then? Or is it the nonsense title Moronyx has? Or is it gem material, which the author has called crystal already? Consistency is just a suggestion to this author.

This new revelation shock the Diamonds and the gems monitoring the test that by the time the tests were over news had already gotten out about what their fusion can do, this of course sparked inquires of what other powers other fusions possess.

Author, the Diamonds already know the potential and use of fusion, from having had an opposing army of them. You and anyone watching the show up until the point you would be at can tell you exactly to what actions and extent that brought them. Does the Cluster ring any bells, you thoughtless, self-deluding ass-hat?!

The feeling he and jasper felt when fused was unforgettable it was like a sense of joy, completion and arousal

One of these is not like the other, and the odds are that neither of them will pretend to know what it even is later on when they decide to pork.

from each other this feeling didn't go away when they unfused and would often blush when they look each other in the eyes, this lasted on for a few weeks before they got back to their usual routine.

He'd meet many gems when working in between the Diamonds such as Blue Diamonds Jaspers, amethysts, carnelian and agate, most of them were from the beta garden so they had defection in they own way like the one jasper nicknamed skinny who was much more skinnier then regular Jaspers and the only Carnelian in Blue Diamonds Court was as short as paridot's.

Let's not mention why or how Moronyx came to meet these gems. He's rubbing elbows with Diamonds already and ushering in a golden age, I'm sure he has time and purpose to meet with all the gems introduced in the show after the point when the author decided to start and write this shit.

Agate was a pure gem that was in charge of the warrior gems in Blue Diamonds Court she expressed distain for the Beta gems as called them defects that should feel honoured that Blue Diamond 'allowed' them to be in her presents.

She's an Agate, author, strictly assigned to only the zoo and very vocal about it. Your viewpoint on Homeworld is so askew and narrow that it hurts.

When Onyx was on Blue Diamonds ship doing jobs for her Agate would praise both Blue Diamond and him, her mouth ran 24/7 about him, Diamond or when she berating the Beta's she would accompany everywhere he went. It had all ways got on Jaspers nerve's that she would voice her thoughts on Agate even in her presence which would spark a vocal and physical fight between the two that he'd have to break up with or without the other gems.

And we have the pet devotees and future cock-warmers pamper the dick-carrier by fending off minor nuisances to them, in scenarios solely crafted due to the author's desire for the former and dislike of the latter. You wouldn't believe how many fanfics I just summarized, it's like all these wannabe story writers function the same.

The Warrior gems however were a pretty calm and funny bunch when agate wasn't around or when he ditch her. They would joke and talk about their Kindergarten of how they came out and joke about their numbers and sizes,

Yeah, that one about them still being fifty even after the author's version of Rose Quartz shattered them down to less than twenty is a real knee slapper.

surprisingly Skinny was calmer then than the other warrior gems in Blue Diamond's court while Carnelian was an energetic ball of funny that laugh and jokes a lot with the other gems.

All of them were disappointed that he had to leave when his role was over or when he was called away for another reason. They had all express their sadness of him leaving but he promised that he would be back again when he finished whatever job they had for him.

He'll be back whenever another generic reason to do so comes along. It'll happen before you know it. Or never. Yeah, let's go with never for now.

That was a century ago and now he was called to Yellow Diamond his Leader that he answers to for a recon mission on the his birth planet Earth for an update on their Geo weapon within the Earth.

My shaking fist at Diamonds and fusions has turned into bit more than a fist by now. At least I hope Yellow Diamond asked him nicely to do this, since she has decided to send out the only gem upon which their entire golden age relies on, to a planet ready to break in half. I'm surprised he's even allowed to leave Homeworld at the off chance of him and his dick dropping into a black hole.

Walking in he performed the Diamonded salute by crossing arms and pulling his hands back until they form a Diamond shape and said "My Diamond you called for me"

Things and actions are suddenly being described in present tense, and we are less than a quarter page from the end of the chapter. It's jarring enough for me to believe we changed fanfic, and I welcome such ignorance.

"Yes I am sending you on a recon mission to the Earth for an update on my 'Cluster' we have also been getting reports of remnants of the crystal gem activity on that planet if you do find them Crush them" Yellow Diamond said looking away from her console to address Onyx

Saluting he made his way to his ship where Jasper was waiting for him, tell her of their new destination he saw the pained face she made when he mentioned the Earth and he couldn't blame her, she lost a lot of good friends and almost him but worst of all she lost her Diamond.

And the joyous thought of revenge and potentially punching Rose Quartz in the face didn't enter the picture? Welcome to waifu-Jasper, the off-canon, delicate, vestigial wallflower embodying whatever demure, supportive, attention-rewarding, affection-dispensing role the author needs her to have, as he bastes his orange flesh light with lube in preparation for the inevitable.

With their destination inputted onto the computer by the paridot that they will be escorting to the planet they prepared themselves for what they might face on that scared planet.

Down to the letter, this is exactly like sending the American Chief of Security off on a recognizance mission. I feel a whole lot of canon-regurgitation coming up in the near future, and no sir I don't like the sound of that one bit.

Finished I hope you like it and I will be adding a lemon scene into the series but you will just have to wait and see.

I can't wait to see whether you know what goes where, let alone witnessing your attempts to describe it.

I will continue to update my stories.

The line between promises and threats are blurred at this point.

User avatar
Posts: 128
Joined: Thu Jun 22, 2017 11:03 am
Location: Denmark

Re: A Crystal Rising - an unoriginal Steven Universe fanfic

Post by ConcernedGamer » Thu Jan 02, 2020 2:19 pm

Let's do this thing again, look back and see what went wrong, aside from concluding 'all of it'. Because nuance in complaining is important sometimes. Moronyx got treated to the ol' millennia time skip treatment. Thousands of years of being extra powerful, extra important, extra adored, and extra busy doing everything above and beneath his station, which ultimately means nothing happened, nothing changed, and nothing was found important by the author beyond reaching closer to the safety of the canon to supply his floundering narrative with a plot. One would think you could explore the ins and outs of the Gem Empire. You could develop the main character to say more than on average two sentences a chapter. Maybe you could even give a reason for why anyone should like him. And to that the author said: "I know, let him be able to un-shatter gems." But then he realized that would make everyone equally desire his crotch-knob, when he only wants Jasper, to which he said: "Fusion! That will give an excuse for my self-insert to get in Jasper's removable pants!" Ugh, more on that in this chapter, you might have guessed. Everything Chapter 2 gave us practically ignored everything established about Homeworld, even Season 1 extrapolations, so it might have been a blessing in disguise to have gotten the author to pull out as fast as he did. Problem is that he's sticking it back in. You know what's coming. Here's Chapter 3.

Hello all Imageveiwer here

You know, I was about to say that perhaps you should have stuck to your namesake, but then I figured I probably wasn't one to talk. You can't capitalize your own name right, however, ImageViewer.

saying that this will be the first time I am doing a lemon scene in a fic so I hope you like it as I tried by best with it.

Author, even if ignoring your current streak of displayed skill, a first attempt lemon scene is never going to be someone's best.

Any way the same as all ways review and add comments if you enjoyed it as well as giving your opinions on what could be added into it and who should be in his paring.

The trick authors utilize, perhaps unintentionally, is to feed their readers something that they at minimum can project their own imagination onto. You might fail even that.

A Different type of Dance, new member and old enemies revealed.

Oh, how many new enemies and many more wondrous worlds did the author's OC slaughter his way through during the skipped millennia of service to the aggressively colony-expanding antagonistic empire, that he alone carried into a whole new age of glory of lossless conquering? Ha! As if the author has ever carried a single thought to the ideas of such impact.

During their journey to Earth Jasper and Onyx used almost all of their time sparing but it was mostly because Jasper would insist on it and often request Fusion during their sessions that would often leave them Flustered until one of their spars turned in to something more that they will never forget.

I'm not expecting to forget it either, trust me. And why is your lemon wedged into a flashback pocket inside a past-tense exposition dump?


In the middle of their training arena Jasper and Onyx where panting from their long training however as they were both warrior class gems neither would end the spar until one of them submitted or lost

And with one of them being an overpowered Mary Sue that instantly heals from 'injuries', I wonder who the winner would be. I get you like the idea of you self-insert playing grab-ass, author, but could you at least be honest about the stakes?

with every ounce of strength left in their body they charged at each other once more and resulting in a stalemate with their handing lock with on and another using all of the will trying to gain an advantage against the other.

All sense left them as pure instinct took other in their battle for dominance the first to break this stalemate was Onyx who reared his head back in what look like he was preparing to head butt her only to for his Lips to meet hers and their struggle for superiority turned into a whole new dance that would be unforgotten to the Two.

Instinct. Of course! I'm just going to pretend you don't know the meaning of the word, author, as an alien race that reproduce through the very measures that spawned your self-insert wouldn't have this. And calling what they are about to engage in a 'dance' is like calling a 'mass shooting' a 'gun show'.


Wrapping his arms around her hips and her arms around his necks as a new battle rage within their mouths as their tongues dance around each other in a battle of dominance, placing his on her ass he Squeezed them cause her to moan as she warped her legs around his hips.

It's only fitting that they are contorting as much as the sentence describing them.

As this was happening their gems glowed causing their clothes to disappear leaving them naked showing his erect Penis and her shaved vagina as well as DD breast.

How considerate of the shape-shifting, hardlight hologram, alien rock to shave her pubes this morning, for when the unexpected instincts kicked in and made her decide to change her appearance modifiers, just so her crotch could please the author's fantasies. For fuck sake!!

Braking his lip lock with her his lips latched on her nipple and teasing it with his teeth causing her reaction to this pleasure in her chest to pull his head closer to her.

From his lower area he could feel dampness emanate from her that increases so much that now he could feel it on his dick out of pure instinct he slowly thrust his hips back and forth form hers as his member rubs against her vagina coating it in her juices.

And the reason Jasper is not at least pointing in horror at the deformity sprouting from between Moronyx's legs, as he is the only one in the entire empire to have one that I can't imagine he has shown off before, is?

A Cry from Jasper broke his thoughts as she cummed on his male organ, clutching him onto in a bone crushing grip that would of killed any ordinary man

Ordinary man, huh? It's almost like you don't want to acknowledge the fact that they don't have any of those around, just to elevate your self-insert, author.

she takes long and deep breaths trying to collect herself as she quivers from that orgasm. Not wanting to be outdone she uses all of her strength to push him on to the floor,

And by all her strength, you mean 'through' the floor, right?

laying on the floor with his back and Jasper on top of him she positions his member right at the entrance of her nether lips. Slowly the tip of member entered her nether lips and causing her to bit her lower lip

And this might be confusing to you, author, but what is a viable synonym for 'nether'?

to prevent her from crying out while Onyx was feeling the tightness of her walls causing him to groin from the pleasure around his member.

And meanwhile, 'paridot' is off doing nothing at all, evidently.

With his member fully inside her she slowly slams herself upon him repeatedly impaling herself on his member, picking up speed as she continues with Onyx now joining in sync with the rhythms of the thrust with his hands on her hips pulling them down upon him harder and faster then they began with.

How accelerating.

Cries of Pleasure echo's with the room as the two warrior's continued their intercourse and began feeling heat build within their organs until a white hot explosion erupted from their lower half's. her vaginal wall tightening around his cock as his cum erupted poring hot giz into womb. And Jasper feeling hot giz being poured into her reach her breaking point again as her pussy exploded with her juices on his hips and the floor they laid on.

See, when I can't trust your writing skills to describe literal details, author, I trust your metaphors even less so.

-lemon end-

Ending in their Climax both were in a state of bliss

I don't know if you were going for a climax for your readers, author, but I certainly got a laughing high out of reading the word 'giz'.

with Jasper collapsing on top of him pass out from their intercourse leaving Onyx awake to take in what had just happened to them that leaves them both butt naked on the training floor, deciding to rest after both their sparing and this new development he pick up Jasper carrying her in bridal fashion to their quarters.

With offhand use of concepts like being naked, passing out, and 'bridal' style, I hardly even recognize that you are attempting to write a fanfic involving Homeworld gems, author.

Placing her down in her own bed

Beds! You know, for sleeping!! You know what, fuck this author. It sounds like the most inoffensive things to get wrong, I know, but this is about the fundamentally basic understanding of how alien this race is supposed to be, details that even a seven-year-old will grasp and not get wrong. Gems don't sleep!!

he found that her arms was lock permanently around him unwilling to let go so he entered the bed with her and sleep from this tiring experience, during both their states of slumber Jasper cuddled up closer to him that when both woke up she was on top of him again.

Imagine her bed hair though. Unless the author envisions using it as a comforter, that is.

-flashback end-

From that day forth Jasper would often request they continue this new thing called sex to which happed almost every often in the training room or in their quarters,

They just happened to feel like calling it 'sex', of course, calling it any different would just be weird. And I'm sure they did a lot of this 'sex' on this single day journey from Homeworld to Earth.

another thing that happens is that when Onyx sleeps or wakes up Jaspers is in bed with him holding him closes or on top of him and sometimes humping him in her sleep as well as sticking so close to him that she was practically on him and look at him in a new light that of Love and Devotion.

Which is of course very different from how all her and everyone else's interactions and attention towards your self-insert has been described thus far, author, you marvel of a word smith.

When they finally reach earth they sent a number of scouting pods to survey the planet and gain intel on the Cluster however every pod sent to the planet was Destroyed before gaining any up to date information about the Cluster so they did not know what awaited them upon the Planet.

Oh no, I'm starting to see the roots of all the misconceptions. Author, Peridot sent her robonoids to repair the Galaxy Warp, and once that failed, sent more to monitor the Kindergarten data. And she did it from Homeworld territory. It was how Homeworld, and by your bad AU-extension, learnt that there were still Crystal Gems around! We are supposed to be at the Season 1 Finale, but you think we are still ten episodes behind that.

They decided to wait to see if they could get more information about what has happened to the earth in their absence of the scared world that appeared to have changed from their view in space. What had once been a barren and lifeless world of a thousand battles was now an aquatic world with large green landmasses in separated by water.

You are utterly thick for thinking a measly thousand battles in a thousand year war would alter Earth's surface in any capacity, author. I can't tell if you are overselling the carnage to benefit your totally kewl self-insert, or you think that's actually what happened. The interrupted Kindergatens are what leaves the surface barren wastelands you describe, you brick-for-brains! And you think the planet wasn't aquatic before this? What?!

Getting irritated by all of the failed expeditions from the dones sent as well as Peridot encounter with remnants of Roses army who's total number was unknown to them until now when a Lapis Lazuli was flying towards their Ship with her wings made of water.

Fucking hell, it's getting worse. Lapis made it back to Homeworld to learn how different it was, and subsequently get appointed Peridot's informant that Yellow Diamond assigned, author! Why are you this obtuse in misconstruing simple plot details? One would think you were altering things to fit with your OC's existence to allow the canon to be your crutch still, but I can tell you just simply don't know how things worked in the canon at this point.

Upon meeting the water manipulating gem who was taller than Paridot explain her Imprisonment with the Crystal Gems as well as detailing how many there are and describing what they look like. Two of the gem that were described was Roses most trusted generals and advisors a pearl and a fusion of the rebels Sapphire and Ruby known as Garnet as well as a new member described a flawed Amethyst due to her being shorter than then any warrior gems in her race.

Yeah, no, how the fuck would Lapis know even half of those details, author? Aside from the fact that she needs to, as you let Moronyx patiently wipe his feet until you believed yourself to have fast-forwarded yourself to the point in canon you needed?

With both the total number of rebels confirmed and their identities Onyx ordered their ship to descend to the Crystal gems home base and end this obstacle once and for all.

I hope you like it as it was my first time doing a lemon scene in a story.`

I'll allow you a mulligan to let you claim that you still haven't, author.

Any way I will be working on Crossover's like RageAddiction does in his stories so I will be busy with the other chapters but I will continue to update and add more to them as I possibly can.

Are you his fanboy or something, author? You say you'll do crossovers 'like RageAddiction does', when that's what half of Fanfiction.net does, you don't need a front figure excuse for this. And you are going to confuse people who by now won't know he changed his name handle to T. Kareon.

I do want to say that I've seen worse lemons, but that's probably because I barely saw this one happen. It was brief and practically thrown together. An immediate orgasm from unintentional rubbing and exploding reproductive organs aside, I've seen much worse, and I've also seen much, much better.

User avatar
Posts: 128
Joined: Thu Jun 22, 2017 11:03 am
Location: Denmark

Re: A Crystal Rising - an unoriginal Steven Universe fanfic

Post by ConcernedGamer » Sun Jan 26, 2020 3:27 pm

With what Chapter 3 brought us, this retrospective will be brief. Through past tense exposition diving into a flashback, the sex scene took place where the author forgot what Gems are. The - I don't know, passion? - that the author probably wanted to portray was nothing more than basic outlines for physical motions and exaggerated prose of stock orgasms to justify pretending Moronyx and Jasper are growing closer. Then the author had everyone wipe their feet at Earth's doorstep until the canon gave a green light and Lapis was wedged in by the author misinterpreting the script he stole. That should be the what, how and why, as far as I'm concerned, since now I have to worry how the author is going to either copy-paste the canon, or make a fool of himself in conveying it. Both? Yeah, probably both with my luck. Here's Chapter 4.

Passions revealed, old enemies and shocking surprises

Well, would you look at that. My own personal ghosts from the past, present and future, it would seem. Humbug.

IT was a lovely day for the people of beach city the sea's gulls cried over the soothing waves that beat against the sandy shores, all in all it was a Farley normal day for the inhabitants.

Farley? That's an auto-correction with its own capitalization. Are you writing this shit on a phone, author?

Until *BOOM* aloud shockwave rocketed the city shattering every glass object and pushing nearly everyone to the ground and scaring every animal away from the noise witch emanated just above the city,

No, go on, you can have a few more of 'every' type of thing being affected still, author, I believe in you.

"what the hey was that? Steven?" a fat middle age man with a large bald spot on his head asked a little boy with a large gold star on his shirt.

It's like the crayon drawings are coming to life before my eyes.

"is that a Hand?" the little boy asked spotting a floating giant hand in the distance with it's index finger pointing straight at the city.

-The ship-

Four home world gems watch what was supposed to be the areas of the final battle for the planet was now covered with plant life and inhabited with by the native's that advanced enough to build structures on the very spot of onyx and roses final battle.

You wrote this even after the episode revealing the shattering to have been in Korea, author. You wrote this after Episode 8, where we for the first time actually see what an ancient Gem battlefield looks like. Beach City isn't one of them, dipshit!

"so this is what has become of our home and once dead rock" onyx commented on seeing his birth place and place of his death, "I don't understand why we have to land on this hideous mud ball of a planet when we can just shoot them from orbit?" Jasper grunted at remembering their final battle and where he died.

"It's almost like I am meant to have a motivation to get up close and personal with them or something. Like I should have issues and reasons for the actions I'm taking, but maybe the author will figure something out."

"The rebels have had time to accommodate to their new world and I have no doubt in my mind that they manged to get some of our old tech working again" onyx explained

Such as? What are you going on about, author? The light cannons that Rose made?

"besides if what Lapis Lazuli here informed us of then there are three Crystal gems we need to deal with, Right Lapis?" Onyx asked looking at the blue water gem that averted her yes from his before answering "yes, a pearl, a fusion and amethyst".

"Onyx! Energy build up on the Surface!" Peridot informed him while piloting the ship "raise shields" the hand opened up with its palm facing the incoming projectiles that upon impact didn't do any damage before it reset to its index pointing position "hmm I was expecting more from them" Onyx commented as they continued to descend towards the area the projectiles came from.

Funny, I could say the same thing about you. What are you even, besides a puppet with which the author is sucking himself off, by pretending to be a part of the universe while having both powers and now supposedly intuitive yet pointless foreknowledge?

"How long until land?" Jasper asked excited at the idea of facing an old enemy from the war, "a couple of hours in this planets rotation time" paridot answered, grunting she left the room "notify me when we're about to land".

Oh, poor Jasper, the author made her sad, then made it dawn on her why she shouldn't be, then he made her sad again. Maybe she just thinks two Earth hours is a week in Gem time, because since when the fuck is that how you tell anyone how long things will take?!

"Proceed with caution to base and alert us if any happens" and with that Onyx left escorting the Lapis to her cell "you will be staying here until we return to home world, the reason why you're staying in there is because you can't be trusted to run around the ship, after all you've come from the rebels world after spending all this time trap there so we can't guarantee if you were their prisoner or one of them."

"Let me just exposit my reasoning out loud to you, to appear cautious rather than cruel, and accidentally lay out how you by now couldn't have sent a warning message to Earth to prepare the actual heroes of this story for what's coming."

Pushing her gently inside as the destabilization field separated her from the rest of the ship "once we complete our mission we'll return to home world and there you'll be questioned on you time on earth before being judged to return back to the empire" this saddened her "you have nothing to fear if what you say is true" and with that he left for his quarters.

It's like the author hasn't even had a second thought to actual words and context in his life. "If what you say can convince our ruling, shatter-happy dictators to not end your existence, when it now cannot even be confirmed that you are returning home out of your own free will, then you have nothing to worry about."

Upon entering his quarters he was tackled against the wall by Jasper who was spotting a familiar smirk on her face "now that the runts are put in their place's we can spend our time practicing" moving his hand to her ass cheek before squeeze with a similar look on his face "why I never thought you'd asked" before his lips met her and the sound moans and flesh meeting flesh could be heard outside the room.

I guess the light-projections just decided to pick up a couple of hams and duke it out. You were handed an episode of these alien beings literally becoming half-ejected out of a space ship, because it had its internal measures disabled as it went faster than the speed of light - light of which these aliens are made from, author! Were you too busy jerking off?!

-time skip the sun has set-

Can't we also just skip past the no doubt additionally exaggerated curb stomp and/or canon rip-off coming up, while we are at it?

Both were lying naked on the ground in each other's arms with her on top of him as the both of them were panting after their long session with the both never willing to surrender to each other until they were defeated, now silence engulfs the room with the sound of their breaths as the only sound that echoed through the room.

Can we at least hope that they all run out of oxygen and suffocate on their likely thirty day trek back, for the author to stay consistent with his many misconceptions?

"That was great, not even facing the rebels can give me this much excitement as you can" she commented hugging him closer to her as she settled her head in his neck, "I agree, Jasper?" "hmm?" "tell me why do we feel this way to each other, the need to be close to each other and not as a fusion but as two beings" Onyx asked wanting to know why they are like this to each other.

"Please, Jasper, work as the author's exposition tract for me to justify me getting laid and prove I'm not the undeserved instigator of our relationship. Because subtlety and romance is not only beyond the author's abilities, it's also beyond his kid's level dictionary."

"I don't know, whenever I'm around you I simple want to protect you and not as soldier to their commander but more than comrades, My chest hammers against my form when I think of you or being near you as an unfamiliar feeling emanates from within me that I simply can't control and it leads to this, where I want to be with you until the end of the universe" Jasper explained her feeling's that was as much different from Onyx as he thought.

Author, emotions aren't unknown to gems. They are forbidden, restricted, considered a detractor when found within or between Gems unfit to carry them depending on the station they were made for, which would arguably be all of them. But I guess that's how your skull mulch of a brain must have connected the dots out of order, thinking the society oppressively ignorant rather than ignorantly oppressive.

"I feel the same way, an instinct I cannot describe takes control when were alone and I simply can't stop thinking about you when we're together" embracing her closer to him "Jasper I-" he was cut off by Paridot announcing over the intercom "we are a few minutes from landing".

"And for Diamond sake, please mop up the floor after yourselves this time."

"well we need to get ready" he said slowly getting up forcing her to get off of him as the their clothes appeared over them again "pity I wanted to stay like a bit longer" Jasper grunted, wanting to please her a bit more, he offered her the very thing she craves as much as him "how would you like to lead the mission against the Crystal gems?"

Translation; A canon scene is coming up and the author don't want to alter any of it, so he just let's his world-breaking self-insert hand the reins he never really had over to this character, in order to pretend that makes his story totally and unquestionably compatible with the canon.

his answer came in the form of being tackled to the ground this time with Jasper sealing her lips with his before pulling back with a smile on her face "after we're done with the rebels, I'm gonna to have to think of some way to thank you" "I have a few ideas".

How about some of all the presents sent to him by his fans that the thankless prick never bothered to keep?

-Crystal gems-

The dark skies surrounding the city was illuminated in a bright glow by the approaching ship that headed towards two figures facing it, one was tall female figure with a box hairstyle and an even taller female figure with four arms wielding a bow that created an arrow made of pure energy, before releasing sending multiple arrow projectiles that bounced off the incoming ship.

This is just going to be a shot-for-shot retelling of the episode with a Mary Sue naval-gazing in the background, isn't it? It won't be my first.

Watching in despair as their attack did little damage that unknown to them the very thing they were supposed to protect was approaching them from behind

Earth is moving in for a sneak attack?

"at least Steven's safe" the gem with the shades and box hairstyle said.

"Hey guys!" a little boy with a star t-shirt said running up behind them

It's like you've forgotten you've already introduced these characters, author. Your narration is borderline schizophrenic.

"STEVEN!?" the gem exclaimed as the tall four arm woman split into two different woman, one was thin with a ballerina figure and a pearl on her head she was easy identified as a pearl, while the other was short with purple skin that could be described as a defective amethyst

I mean, when the author puts his stellar, deductive viewpoint like that, sure.

"you came back!/ What are you doing!? Get out of here!" "But" "It's too late just stay behind us" garnet ordered as the ship stop in mid air above the sea.

Then it turned upside down it's fingers curled into a fist before uncurling and landing on the beach shore, in the middle of the palm a blue ball emerged from the centre,

I'm fairly certain everything is currently supposed to be covered in a chromakey hue from the spaceship glow at the moment, author. How can you or anyone tell?

every one watch in anticipation of what's to come as the ball rolled down the palm and travelled up the index finger and stop as the finger hit the ground before it unravelled to reveal 5 figures on at the tip.

Ah, yes, Peridot, Jasper, Moronyx, Lapis, and Sir Not Appearing In This Fanfic, all five of them!!

"that's them alright they're the ones that keep breaking my machines" Paridot identified as she walked towards the edge showing the Crystal gems who she was followed by Jasper, "this is it?" Jasper grunted in disappointment at seeing what was supposed to be what left of Roses army.

You sound surprised, Jasper, since the author wrote you and your asshat fuck-toy into a legendary war where there were this exact number of rebels left, and you faced off against two of these personally with an army behind you and you still fled. I mean, wow, it's almost like none of that shit ever happened, huh?!

"Jasper! They keep interfering with my work!" Paridot exclaimed with Jasper sighing in annoyance "looks like another waste of my time", Steven watch as the huge gem look down on them like dirt before pulling out a familiar blue gem "hey get over here" Jasper ordered yanking lapis from behind her.

Both lapis and Steven gasped at see each other as he whispered her name "this is there base?" Jasper asked as Lapis diverted her eyes to the sand before answering "yes". "YOU. NEED. TO. LEAVE IMMEDITATLY!" Garnet yelled at them "this is not a gem controlled planet/ Yea step off" Pearl and amethyst added.

Look, author, Amethyst and Pearl aren't joined at the hip at this very moment, would it kill you to write their dialogue independently?

The three jumped down from the ship with Jasper still dragging Lapis "it's a shame that Rose Quartz was killed I would have loved to be the one to beat her into the ground"

Killed is an organic word, author. Are you even aware what Steven Universe is?

she commented causing Steven to step back in fear, "but this is all that his left of her army? Some lost defective Pearl, a puny overcooked runt and this shameless display" Jasper said listing off the three gems before setting her eyes on the only thing standing out "eh what is that?" Jasper asked pointing at Steven and causing the Gems to huddle in front of him in a protective manner.

I'll tell you. It's the true protagonist that your rock sugar daddy still hasn't stolen the show from, since all Steven had to do to be endearing and characterized was to show up and share dialogue that wasn't intent on gaining praise or pussy.

"it calls itself the Steven" Paridot answered "he's just a human!, he isn't a threat at all!, he's not one of them!" Lapis exclaimed trying to protect the little boy "human or not our mission here is clear" a new voice joined in that sent a wave of fear over the gems and causing Steven to clutch his stomach as his gem emanate fear and panic.

And everyone standing against the self-insert will quake with fear at his approach, including descriptions defying everything the show has already indicated can possibly happen.

"oh no" Garnet whispered as the individual jumped down from the ship and landed next to lapis "I thought you said I was leading the mission?" Jasper asked Onyx "you are and I am under you command" he said with a smile on his face as Jasper mouth widened into a wide grin showing off her teeth.

Keep your unrealistic role play scenarios to the bedroom, you two.

"i-it can't be she shattered you!" the shaking Pearl exclaimed at the site of their biggest nightmare somehow alive, turning to face her "I was shattered but thanks to Jasper here and my abilities, I am whole once more" he explained causing the little boy to step back in fear as his gem felt like it was screaming to him to run.

Author, stop having the ghost of Rose Quartz - which has never existed, glorify your cock-puppets intimidation factor to pretend this is totally serious and that he's extremely dangerous and important. Everyone is going to be captured like in the canon, and having your ego t-posing here like it means something is honestly laughable to me.

"Blast them with the ship" Jasper ordered to which Paridot typed into her wrist commanding the vessel to lift off a bit and point its charging index finger in a gun motion,

But why would she bother consider the fun of ordering around her boyfriend like he has suggested, you may ask? Nah, man, pretending that he isn't even here is the way to go. Boy howdy, if I didn't know any better, I'd say she knew from the script that their enemies won't be defeated by the first attack, if that even bears any significance.

"Steven! Get out of here!" Garnet yelled as the ground shakes "NO!" "I won't you risk your life!" "but this is my home and your all my family!" Steven cried out with tears in his eyes, unknown to everyone his gem lights up through his shirt.

Unknown even to all the people you're going to tell us are looking directly at him in the next sentence, author?

As the crystal gems looked at Steven with fear as he was the legacy of their leader "fire" Paridot said with a bored stare before firing, "I'm, I'm a crystal gem too!" Steven cried out as he rush to meet the incoming laser head on creating an explosion upon impact that clouded the area where the gems used to be.

And they are vaporized, completely gone, used to be. Well, of course not, the author just can't even write his faulty narration correctly, but I'd rather have that happen than let them potentially be dragged through the future muck of the self-insert's self-indulgent, one-sided power trips to get the author his jollies.

The home world gems gasped in shock at the familiar shield being used by the boy who protected his friends from the blast, "That Shield! That Symbol!" Jasper exclaimed at the sight of a familiar Symbol that dispersed causing the boy to fall forward onto the sand with nothing to lean against, "you have the power of rose quartz!".

To be honest, he inherited a whole lot more than just her powers.

"Now do you believe I needed an escort!?" Paridot said with sarcasm, "fire a barrage wide spread!" Jasper ordered as Paridot swiped her finger against the screen causing the ship to fire a beam cutting across beach and separating pearl and Amethyst from Garnet who grabbed Steven and leap forward from the blast.

"Rose!" onyx addressed the fallen boy at their feet with no site of the fusion "Why have you been reduced into that pitiful form?"

Ah, yes, nothing like stolen and reformulated dialogue moments regurgitated from the chewed up canon, spouted by the OC self-insert so as to pretend that they exist. This is Jet's Universe all over again.

he asked as lapis ran up beside him "Don't hurt him!" she cried out, "you Knew about this!?" Jasper accused the blue gem "it wasn't relevant to the mission!" she cried out

"You know, this mission that I am now somehow a part of after having been caught on your windshield." Are you even catching half of the clues you've written out yourself in your copy-paste haste, author?

"Forget about the mission!" Jasper yelled out "Yellow diamond needs to see this ... thing!".

What, this? This gem that's been embedded in flesh? What's wrong with that now? I'm asking in genuine consideration for your abhorrent lack of cohesion in your self-made wank material, author. Are you retarded?

Once she finished that sentence Garnet bursts from the sand behind Steven armed with her gauntlets, "good" Jasper whispered in excitement as she summons her helmet and blocks the charging gems fist with it creating a shock wave that knocks Steven and garnet away from the blast.

Is Moronyx too busy tying his shoelaces or something?

"prime the gem destabilizer" Jasper ordered as she whipped out a destabilizer and rush to meet the fusion head on, stabbing the fusion with the rod, everyone watch as Garnet was electrocuted for several seconds before her face cracked and her entire being followed as they developed around her limbs and frame as everyone watch in slow motion as her limbs separated from her body before she exploded leaving only two gems and prints of her gone limbs imprints in her place.

Watching something happen in slow motion is just something people can do in this world, you see. I'm sure it's not that the author is completely blind to the usage and his inability of conveying a visual medium in a fanfic.

"We were there you know" Jasper told Steven

"And I'm telling you this, because we were right up in your face at the last battle! I'm sure I don't even have to remind you that in this fanfic this is not the first time we've ever met!"

"at the first war for this garbage planet, I fought against your army's, I respected your tactics but this" she continue looking down at the shaking boy and his exposed gem before grabbing by the shirt and lifting him up "IS SICK!" she exclaim causing the two remaining gems to charge at them.

"After this is over, I need to do so much banging of my flesh against my off-color, male superior's flesh before I can feel any better.

"unhand him!" Pearl yelled as she charge at them with Amethyst "I don't get what your planning rose but look your base is taken" gesturing to the crumbling statue "your armies are ruined" the two remaining gems "you have failed!" her helmet disappeared before she head-butted him rendering him unconscious before dropping him on the floor and meeting the rebels head on destroying their forms leaving only their gems.


How magnificent, what with Moronyx just standing there, gracing us with none of his über powerful abilities, his very presence itself being but a second thought. Bravo, author, you have accomplished nothing but proving that your fanfic doesn't have the balls to even grace the canon with a lick of change, merely because you think none of your additions thus far should have done so for merely existing, you uninspired, spineless hack.

"So what now Jasper it's you call?" onyx said reminding her that she was still in charge

"I know I have orders from my superiors, but I can't be making the decisions, as that would force the cowardly author to improvise and be creative, so I'll pretend I can just shove off plot development responsibility onto you now."

"we return to home world where the prisoners will be judged before the diamonds" she ordered grabbing pearl and amethyst as well as dragging lapis by the arm's towards hers while Onyx lifted Stevens body and ruby and sapphire before entering the ship and placing them in separate cells.

Now we find them on the bridge taking off from the planet

Now we find the author to be even more lacking in his sense of narration and scene transitions.

"relay a message to home world, tell them we are transporting the rebel prisoners pearl, the fusion garnet, a defective amethyst from earth as well as Rose Quartz" Jasper order Paridot who was multitasking

When dealing with all this shit from so many angles, who can blame her?

"Done" she said after typing into a console on her right.

Sorry it took a while but I hope you like, please review if you think there needs to be changes or there are mistakes that needs to be corrected.

Yes, and yes. If you want them in chronological order, you should do that one thing you might be very unfamiliar with, author. Reread your shit.

User avatar
Posts: 128
Joined: Thu Jun 22, 2017 11:03 am
Location: Denmark

Re: A Crystal Rising - an unoriginal Steven Universe fanfic

Post by ConcernedGamer » Thu Feb 06, 2020 12:02 pm

Chapter 4 gave us what was to be expected, honestly. Anyone half as savvy on bad fanfiction as me could see it coming. Canon plagiary, where the original character piddles around in the background, pretending that they exist. Before that happened, however, we also got served heavy-handed dribble meant to indicate that Moronyx and Jasper are growing closer through ignorance of what emotions are, because the author thinks Homeworld is merely lead by ignorant idiots rather than intentionally oppressive rulers, I guess. Assuming the author wanted to write a romance plot, writing his horny characters to be together without knowing why is the cheapest way to write shit without justifying it through reason. Why are these two together? Is it because they have a deep bond of respect for one another? Is it because they see a reflection of themselves in each other? Have they been paying each other with fist-fights in trade for nookie afterwards? Oh, they themselves don't even know? Well, color me uninvested. And as a last addendum, the author assumed wrongly that Pearl and Amethyst were poofed by the end of the episode he ripped off, forgetting that they don't have new looks to them in the canon, therefore the implications being that they didn't. I'm not even sure I'm analyzing the prior chapters anymore, to be honest. You need substance to analyze things. Let's just move on. Here's Chapter 5.

Hope you enjoy this chapter as I had to work with introducing a new character who 's backstory work's in sync with this fic and has given me new ideas for future chapters

Translation; the author has so far been flying blind and has caught something on the windshield that he thinks can make the entire detour worth it.

Jail break, painful re-entry and un-expected help

Am I supposed to assume it's the Gem of the millennium, Moronyx himself who will be in need of help, somehow?

High above the planet a large jade hand hovers outside of its atmosphere, inside its large and continuous halls the sound of sad harmonic singing echoed throughout the ship, to some it was a beautiful melody that music to their ears while other's "STOP THAT SINGING!" Jasper voice echoed throughout the halls of the ship temporarily stopping the singing as its loud volume covered it until it was but a whisper amongst the louder voice.

"I swear, if you can't make up your mind on how many bottles of beer your wall has on it right this instance, you'll wish you had been shattered!"

But then the singing started again in a louder pitch as if the singer was taking great enjoyment of annoying the one shouting.

In the bridge Jasper was seething after what had been the 20th time she had order that sapphire to shut up as she punched the wall of the chamber "I'm going to enjoy crushing her gem!" she swore to destroy the one annoying her,

Ah, yes, nothing is as impressive as a character spouting threats after having ineffectually attempted the same intimidation for the twentieth time from not following through. This Jasper couldn't intimidate a child!

"calm you're self we have bigger thing's to sort out right now" Onyx spoke softly laying a hand on her shoulder that seemed to calm her a bit.

"Paradot can you open up a channel in my private quarters to Yellow diamond, if her pearl is being unco-operative tell I authorised the call" Onyx ordered before leaving for his chambers, empty silence was all he could hear apart from the singing and the sound of his footsteps before he reached the room

Yellow Pearl was being obtuse from an unauthorized usage of the Diamonds' personal communication channel, author. Moronyx is supposed to report to the Diamonds on what he found in the first place, and you've made him their personal confidant, errand boy, and pet bootlicker, so why would they not expect him to contact them in this fashion now that you decide that's a thing they can just do?!

He waited a while until Paradot talked over the intercom "Onyx I have Yellow Diamond on the line as your requested"

I'm sorry to keep rambling on this rapidly again, but can anyone tell me which kind of orbit one's head needs to be in, in order for you to call up the rulers of the galaxy on the phone, and then have them be the ones put on hold for your subservient ass?

"patch it through" he order and a large yellow screen appeared in front of him with the first person he saw was Yellow pearl who still held that uptight attitude and look on her face even when she saw who was calling "who gave you authorisation to make this call?" she asked still holding her form "I did Blood Onyx facet 1f9e0xj cut 4xn , I've have an important update for yellow diamond that requires her attention".

What kind of insane area code did your self-insert vomit out for himself, author? Amethyst was made on Earth and was simply 'Facet 5', while Peridot came from Homeworld and didn't even have a Facet number above four digits, both facts mentioned in episodes you've clearly watched. Did you just wipe your ass with a keyboard here and call it a day?

"You don't get to call the great yellow Diamond just to update her on your mission without proper cause!" she said in her high and mighty way delaying him from reporting his discovery

"You may be their favorite gem in the entire cosmos, you may be the most important figure in the entire Empire, you may be on an urgent mission that Yellow Diamond wants an immediate report on, and you may be a Mary Sue, but that doesn't mean the author won't make me an annoying and easily thwarted obstacle in your path, simply because I don't make his dick hard.

"I do have proper cause Yellow Pearl this involves the rebel Rose quartzes and her army!" "Pearl" a deep female voice with authority spoke scaring the pearl for a second "yes my Diamond?" she asked submissively.

"Why is there someone on the Diamond line?" the voice asked

The Diamond line! As in, something you can only use with a device from the Diamonds, author, you moron?! You are seriously just ripping off the scene of Peridot's message to Yellow Diamond while ignoring everything you have established and altered, just to get your bankrupt ass out of being creative, aren't you? I took you for an idiot already, sure, just not a lazy one.

"I-I was just asking him that and he says that he has something that requires your attention" Yellow Pearl informed the one she was talking to before a large hand pick up the screen and held it up to the face of yellow Diamond as she worked on her tasks.

"My Diamond" he addressed performing the Diamond salute "I apologise for contacting you in such a way but an unexpected development in our survey mission warrants your attention"

"I came, I saw, I did nothing at all, and now I'm doing this here thing that would have changed the entire canon if it was something anyone on a space ship could do."

"what sort of development has stopped you in your mission on the development of my cluster on that miserable mud ball of planet?" Yellow diamond said not taking her eyes of her work as she multitasked.

Look, could you at least notice the importance of Yellow Diamond's original behavior of dedicating all of her attention to Space Skype once she understood that the topic was Earth, author? No, wait, don't tell me, you are instead wanting to drop a different shoe, so as to pretend you aren't making the same motions to the same tune slightly off key.

"Rose Quartz" that single name stopped her immediately and causing her pearl to gasp in horror "explain" she said with barely contained anger

Yellow Diamond herself stated Crystal Gem activity had been reported, and Rose Quartz was one of the three remaining Crystal Gems to ever be seen by her forces. You were the one who wrote that, author!!

"I'll start from the beginning, immediately after entering the system we dispatched probes to analyse the planet if it's safe to land on, several of our probes were destroyed by what we believed to be the natives of the planet only it was not them, after it was determined it was safe to walk upon Paradot landed in one of the warp stations and there she encountered Rose's commanders and Narrowly escaped, they were identified as her advisors and generals, the fusion of the rogue Ruby and sapphire known as Garnet and her Pearl" yellow Diamond listened to the report her anger and attention never wavering.

It's come to the point, where I can't tell if the author is simply repeating what he thinks he has already conveyed with his story, if he's reaffirming it because he realized he didn't make sense the first time around, or if he's making a retcon from having forgotten that this was how he somewhat told it the first time around.

"(BANG) STOP THAT SINGING!" Jaspers voice echoed once again throughout the ship as she likely approached the holding cell and commanded the prisoner to stop her singing "what was that?" Yellow Diamond asked hearing the shouting "that was Jasper ordering the Rogue sapphire to stop her song".

And that was what the author thought was a passable joke.

"Get to the point Onyx! What does this have to do with that traitor Rose Quartz!?" Diamond asked wanting to know of how this relates to her "of course my Diamond, with all that has been happening it was decided to approach to the planet with caution as we did not know how many of her rebels survived however our answer came in the form of Lapis Lazuli who claimed to have been a prisoner of the rebels these past 5000 years"

"Yes, my Diamond, I will explain what all this has to do with Rose Quartz, my Diamond, but first you have to listen to me yak on for a minute about what I wrote in my diary, my Diamond.

"a Lapis Lazuli?, Blue will be pleased that one of her gems survived the war" Yellow hummed in thought of one of her sister gem court gems surviving.

"yes my Diamond she confirmed that there were only three gems that was only Garnet, Pearl and a defective Amethyst, we then proceeded to land on the planet and deal with the last Remnants of her army, we encountered light resistance when descending but nothing that stopped us from our mission, Jasper personally lead the attack against them when she appeared, Rose Qaurtz or what has become of her?" he explained with disappointment "what do you mean?" she inquired.

I'm uncertain whether we are supposed to not take this as a wine-mom having a phone conversation with a Chatty-Cathy about how that one bitch they both knew from high school has totally let herself go since they last saw each other.

"I mean she has reverted in a puny human form that is a mixture of organic and gem cells that called a Ste-*BOOM!*" the ship shook violently causing him to stumble uncontrollably as it shook "Onyx! What is happe-" she was cut off by the by the room exploding severing the connection between the two as a large hole ruptured in the wall causing Rapid decompression and sucking everything out of the room Including Onyx.

Oh, imagine my surprise, the overall canon remains relatively intact because random shit happens out of nowhere, so as to prevent the OP OC PS BS from having any effect on plot moments that would otherwise have been altered. I wouldn't even call this author a tease if he had managed to lead me on.

The rushing wind blowing around him was all he could hear as he and the ship fell to earth picking up speed as they descended to the planet, soon his form was on fire generated by the increasing speed, the flames ate and pick at his form that regenerated continuing the endless cycle of pain until he crashed far from the rebels home and the crashed ship, his fall created a deep smoking crater in a field.

Ugh, I could practically hear the Linkin Park soundtrack the author probably envisioned for this scene.

He laid there in the smouldering crater, his body still generating smoke from the Phantom flames that engulf him

I'm sorry, the what now? Is this a surprise Danny Phantom crossover? Is the author high?!

yet the one thing noticeable was the cracks on his gem that spread like cob webs, Groaning in pain he got up and started to walk out of the hole the cracks spreading with each step until he reached the top to see a field of red roses brushes laying all round him "Rose" he growl her name before his gem shattered on the spot destroying his form as they scattered all around the ground.

However unbeknownst to him another had seen him crash not too far from them and went to investigate.

Are we just going to assume that this person also blew up the space ship, or did it explode because it just felt like it, since Jasper had seconds before once again told Sapphire to stay quiet?

-Gem pov-

And now we make a shift into a first person perspective for the first time several chapters into this fanfic. What joy!

I was doing what I usual do almost every other day tending to my garden of roses when suddenly up in the night sky a bright light flashed before my eyes as what seemed like stars hurtled towards the planet braking off into pieces, one of them fell near me and crashed into a field of roses, curious about what it was I went to the crash site and saw what appeared to a red coloured man slowly climbing out the smouldering hole before his form shattered with pieces of his gem falling to the ground it was then that I realised that he was Gem and a male at that.

I then read the rest of the author's Choose Your Own Adventure gardener roleplay shitpost sessions.

Rushing towards where his form was I say pieces of his shattered gem on the ground, picking them up I noticed how the blood coloured shards slowly formed together without the aid of my abilities, deciding to take them back into my home to see what type of gem I am holding and what he's like I returned back into my two storey house.

Want to mention its indoor plumbing and curtains of it next, perhaps? And can any Gem this author creates just heal those that have been shattered for no reason?!

-One regeneration later Blood Onyx pov-

Because using the filter of standard narration to pretend this self-insert has a mind that wasn't the author's own was too tiresome, of course.

I awoke to feeling intense throbbing pain all over my body it was no surprise that I should feeling this after all I have been stabbed, cut, sliced, smashed, crushed and even blown up but never have I been sucked out of a ship and hurtle towards a planet in a ball of fire and crash into said planet only to be surrounded by the symbol of my enemy, it was the very definition of adding salt into wound that hurt both your pride and body.

Oh, it's completely understandable that you are feeling a little under the weather, Moronyx. I mean, you did after all just go through uncontrolled reentry, where your bullshit gemstone survived temperatures nearly twice that of its actual melting point.

The first thing I saw was young woman's face starring down at me in wonder and curiosity, groaning in pain as I sat up to get a better look at her and my surroundings.

I deduced that she was a gem due to her pure white colouration that no human on this planet possesses, a silver pearl located on her chest, A white shirt that has three Star markings, one big Silver Star on the front of the shirt and one Yellow Star on each shoulder of her shirt, Skirt would have a Sliver line around it. The leggings will be a stripe pattern or white, light blue and blue, and the shoes would be like Pearls, but completely silver with small three Gold Stars on them, she also has the same hair like many pearl's but her hair is blue, she also has blue eyes.

Author, since you've decided on the point of view already, would it kill you to reformat what you copy-pasted from your new gemsona's character sheet?

I was in what could be described as a single living quarters, the walls had blue walls with painted star's all over, a single soft bed with black sheets made of some a smooth and soft material and two large bags of cloth stacked on top of each other at the end of the bed, a clear wide screen showing the green fields outside.

"Um hello? Earth to crash man come in crash man" the pearl spoke in a soft voice unlike the rest of her kind

Is this Pearl just desperate to reconnect with her life of servitude since she's casually interacting with who she can only deduce is a Homeworld gem, if not also being the most recognizable gem in their entire society as the author would have it? Let me guess, she's a half-breed like Steven for no logical or even possible reason to allow for this?

"my name is Onyx not Crash man!" I stated giving her annoyed look at being called by that title "well sorry I didn't know what else to the very man who crashed to earth leaving a massive crater in a field of beautiful roses" she with sarcasm "so you're an Oynx?" nodding at her question "you don't look like an Onyx to me, your gem is red when it should be black".


Default colors are so easy to pick, aren't they, author? But I guess it's nice of you to finally mention what color the regular onyxes were supposed to have.

"You're talking about the generation that was created in my image when I proved myself in the war"

You know, all those onyxes that were made in his image to look nothing like him during an ongoing war where resources were scarce enough to put his off color ass in service in the first place. What are you smoking, author?

"now then pearl te- " "Jewel!" she interrupted "excuse me?" "my name is Jewel not Pearl that's my mother's name".

"your mothers a pearl ...I find that hard to believe" I scoffed at the very idea


And I find it hard to believe that the author has even watched this show.

"it's true my mother's a Pearl and my father's an Onyx like you only with a black gem" she explained

What rock did you masturbate under to not understand anything about these alien lifeforms, author? You are not even writing a Steven Universe fanfic at this point!

"I still find the very idea of gems procreating and resulting in your creation still hard to believe also an Onyx as your father that's even harder to believe" "why?" she asked curious

Yeah, I can't believe I'm on the side of the nonsense right now, but I have to insist, care to elaborate, Mr. Slaps-Flesh-With-Jasper?

"because while we Onyx's are indeed males out of our entire species, no gem can ever reproduce we don't have the anatomy for it and we use harvesters to create new gems also every single Onyx except for myself was shattered in the war eons ago" I explained the reasons why I didn't believe her.

This is a fucking mess. I barely want to acknowledge this self-contradicting, misguided, and confused retcon hell at this point. Suddenly there have been more than one male Onyx that just are announced shattered in the same sentence they are established in. Gems can somehow reproduce, denied by love-machine Moronyx himself, who have already just about proven every established thing about Homeworld and its race wrong in this story. 'Harvesters' is a misunderstood word the author caught off of Peridot mentioning an obviously different process, since Gems are produced with injectors. Why did this trash heap suddenly turn itself into a dumpster fire?!

"now then Pea-" she looked at me with annoyance "Jewel" nodding in approval "tell me who is your master I wish to thank them" "excuse me?!" she exclaimed "your master, you are a pearl, your type's are servants to high ranking individuals such as Diamonds, sapphires and Agates" I explained what should be basic to her kind "I am not a slave and I am my own Master!" she shouted in my face like I have somehow offended her.

I understand that the author is trying to redeem his self-insert to make this story have an actual plot, but could he tell us what exactly he would be thanking anyone for?

"you are obliviously lying, ever since I regenerated you have been lying to me from the beginning, telling me that you're some sort of offspring between two gems then saying that you're your own master" I deduced

"I mean, clearly, what with me being on a planet where rebels and traitors to Homeworld live, and having personally faced Rose Quartz and her personal advisors - one of which was a Pearl - these concepts that you are talking about are completely foreign to me!" Stop stealing Peridot's redemption arc when nothing of Moronyx's viewpoint and knowledge allows for the same motions of it, author, you plagiarizing asshat!

"so that tells me only one thing" all the while her face gain a shade of red that increases with each second "you're with the rebels that have captured me and are now currently holding me in some sort of cell!" I accused her feeling confident my deduction of what's happened to me.

Which of course means, as Moronyx's brilliance will have it, that what she said was all a lie, right?

"You!-You!... CLOD!" she screamed "I saw you falling from space and in my good hearted nature I decided to bring you back to heal instead of leaving you there to fend for yourself! And now you go and insult me in my own home after what I did for you!"

With all she did amounting to the equivalent of an intended grave robbing turned kidnapping as he brought himself back from being shattered, can you really blame him?

getting right in my face "after your fully healed I want you out of my House!" she exclaimed leaving the room in anger before closing the door leaving me to my thoughts.

And two seconds should have passed by now, so out you go.

'That certainly could have gone better 'sigh' you really did it now Onyx you somehow manage to insult her even though you were being polite for her class of gem' getting up soft bed I rested my head as I started to think of a plan 'alright Onyx you're on an unknown alien world

You are on Earth, the planet that spawned you and you've spent a thousand years fighting a war on it. Did the author throw a rejuvenator at you at any point?

that happens to be the home of the Rebels that destroyed your ship and possibly any means of contacting for an extraction or reinforcements so the best thing to do is regroup with Jasper and Paradot before planning the next stage on this world, I know that Jasper can handle herself she's resourceful and a veteran of the war but Paradot on the other hand is only a technician and hasn't seen any action in her life cycle so I have find her first before looking Jasper' I thought to myself.

Let me guess, they and the ship conveniently crashed exactly on top of the rebel base, Peridot managed to get into an escape pod, Jasper decided to fuse with Lapis despite not having been beaten by Garnet yet, and this fanfic is supposed to make a lick of sense?

'could that Jewels words be true, could she possibly be the offspring of two gems the results of a pearl and one of my brethren' my eyes threaten to close as still felt week after enduring through all of that 'Onyx's, they were before shattered in the final days of the war' I slipped into a deep state of dormancy remembering the creation of my brethren.

-flash back 5500 years ago rebellion war-

You know, about 500 years before Jasper came out of the ground to be with Onyx from his first battle. It pays to look at the entire timeline to keep track on more than your immediate plot hole concerns, author.

I walked through a series of long corridors following a group of Paradots who were rambling on and on to Yellow Diamond who was leading them as they talked about projects, predictions and updates, we soon came up to a large metal door bigger then Yellow herself before they opened up to a large control room with a wide window overlooking a large room below them.

"My Diamond" the lead Paradot in charge saluted followed by the others working before resuming in their work, "are they ready to be deployed?" Yellow inquired about whatever she was looking at "yes my Diamond they possess all of the abilities that the original has except for a minor regeneration speed compared to the first as well as their gems being all black.

"All the abilities, which as far as the author was concerned, was to be ambiguishly superior and feared."

Nodding in approval she turned towards me "Blood Onyx" saluting in attention "when you were first made you were thought to be nothing more than a defective gem in a new line of warrior's yet you proved us wrong and demonstrated your unparalleled abilities that has never been recorded in our history"

Above average is sort of a feat, I suppose.

before gesturing me to the window "it is due to your success that a new program was made in your image" looking out of the window I saw a number Onyx's in the room bearing different sword like weapons, each of them different then the other yet all having the black onyx on their chest

Was there any reason for these expendable bozos not being mass produced even better after the war, besides the fact that the author first thought of them now?

"meet the Onyx program with them we will finally crush Rose quartz and her pathetic rebellion for all the trouble they have caused us" Yellow Diamond stated with a glint in her eye that made me feel un-easy to be around her at the moment as she starred out into the window with a proud smirk on her face like she already won the war.

"Or, you know, they'll flee like a bunch of pussies if you get shattered in the final battle, but that's unlikely to happen."

-flashback end-

I feel like no one knows how to use a flashback properly anymore. Onyx gems were made, that was all, and we already knew that. If anything, it established Jewel to kind of be Moronyx's niece or granddaughter in a way.

Waking up from my slumber at remembering the creation my fellow gems who were sent out in to the battlefield to lead, fight and win the war, but it came to a surprised that half of them defected to the rebels for unknown reasons,

Perhaps if you could have listened to anyone but your own self-important ego during the war, you might have learnt it whenever you spoke with Rose Quartz all the times you confronted her. Nah, all of the rebels rebelled totally without any explanation, I'm sure.

many speculated that it was Rose's ability to somehow turn gems to her side and that wild rumour scared the Diamond enough to shut down the Onyx program permanently leaving only the ones created to win in the war themselves.

And with Rose Quartz thought destroyed in the war, they just decided it was too dangerous to create golden era Onyxes for the last few millennia, and once Rose Quartz fangirls resurfaced, the first thought in their heads was to throw the last Onyx they had at them. The 'D' in 4D Chess must stand for Diamonds.

Feeling something travel down the side of my face I touch it and brought to my face to see a clear liquid hanging of my finger before a feeling of sorrow, fear and anger surged through me as the liquid rapidly poured from eyes as these unknown emotions that felt distant continued to surge through me with a single name echoing through my mind 'Jasper', this continued on until the sun shined on the land in the sign of a new day.

This little bitch has served Blue Diamond for millennia and doesn't know what fucking emotions and tears are? Whatever. Tell me when you start tugging your dick to a lemon scene again, author, that way I know you aren't focusing on pulling my leg.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter, the new OC jewel belongs to Lexboss as part of her request for her Jewel OC to be in the fic as her characters backstory works well with this story,

I certainly hope you showed her your draft first, seeing as she fits about as well as a round peg in a square hole. You can put it together, but the piece doesn't actually fit. Her OC is described as the daughter of Pearl and optionally another author's Onyx OC. Jewel is also five thousand years old, her father was sealed away by Jasper, she has the same healing power template as Moronyx and a bit extra to mark her the more interesting between them, and her entire description was more or less lazily copied directly from Lexboss' bio.

if there are anything wrong with this fic that needs adding, removal or change please review it and I will do what needs to be done.

A rewrite is all I can recommend, dude. I'm not here to squash creativity, you can keep going all you want, never stop. But this shit broke the moment you started on it.

User avatar
Posts: 128
Joined: Thu Jun 22, 2017 11:03 am
Location: Denmark

Re: A Crystal Rising - an unoriginal Steven Universe fanfic

Post by ConcernedGamer » Tue Feb 18, 2020 3:17 pm

I can't even say that I need to analyze the former chapters any longer. The author has managed to attain enough coherence in his writing that it's more insulting than indecipherable. But I'll still sum it up for how stupid it was. After having been served the first bit of the Season 1 finale like a broken record, the author plagiarized Peridot's call to Yellow Diamond by having Moronyx do it without a single change to its context. Using exposition to restate all plot motivation as if intentionally catching the readers up to speed, the author stalled until the ship blew up for no reason as Jasper a minute prior had complained about Sapphire's singing - again. Moronyx was blown out and crashed to Earth where he came into contact with a different author's injected OC, whose presence is now altering the author's vacuous head-canon enough to produce a retroactively pointless exposition via flashback. The author makes this new OC, Jewel, have the brain of a mollusk, as she doesn't even consider him a threat by not being a gem belonging to Earth, and leaves Moronyx like a tsundere to have him have another moment of the author presenting Homeworld gems to be ignorant about what emotions are. With all that's been going on, there is only one applicable word that should be considered for this fanfic. Rewrite. Here's Chapter 6.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Well, I can't say I haven't enjoyed it thus far, you confused rube.

The oc Jewel belongs to lexboss who requested I use her character in the story.

Well, why didn't you say so in the previous chapter? You can't just let yourself shoulder all the blame, author.

The Oc Blood Onyx is mine.

As far as 'Original' and 'Character' goes, I consider him neither.

The Rising sun shined upon the land bring with it the beginning of a new day, it's rays shined upon a small home surrounded by a field of roses.

Inside two gems were getting ready to start their day, Jewel was planning on doing her usual routine of tending to her garden, practicing her form and swordsmanship, checking in with her mother and the crystal gems, but that all may be ruined by new house guest who was up and to go out.

And said house guest is getting ready to be a Homeworld soldier that will doom the planet, while his gracious host is piloted by the author to be conveniently ignorant of even concluding that she has an alien invader in her house.

"are you nuts!" she exclaimed watching as the male gem who crashed back to earth not long ago about to leave "no I am not that small crunchy snack that humans eat" he responds not understanding what she meant.

Maybe I would appreciate the joke, if I wasn't scratching my head at this asshole's sudden repertoire of factoids about this singular food item inclusion of the eating habits of organic life forms that he wouldn't have reason nor a care to learn about five thousand years ago. He was more likely to address nuts as the seeds of trees, honestly.

Calming down she phrased in a way that only he would understand "I mean have you hit your head that hard that you're not thinking straight" again he responds in his calm state to the tall pearl "my Mental state is unaffected by my recent experience"

Well, you might be right about only Moronyx understanding that phrasing, since the author considers you to be the only person in the entire gem society with a dick. Thinking straight is all you can do.

"But you just fell to earth! At who knows how fast, picking up speed which generated fire that ate at your form before you crashed hard into the ground!" she stated gesturing outside the window where they can see the point of his crash

Assuming his ship was following Earth's orbit before leaving and that he was ejected towards the planet rather than away into space, that would be Mach 32 at minimum, with a temperature up to sixteen-hundred degrees Celsius that would boil away a regular meteor. I only accept that a Ruby can do it by being attuned to fire in the first place, and you didn't see Navy crack, did you, author? A "reviewer" of this fanfic comments on Chapter 4 to demand more chapters, dated after the episode 'Room for Ruby' aired, clearly showing both your inspiration and lack thereof.

"yes I am well aware of what happened to me" he walked around the house trying to find an exit despite the tall pearl getting in his way

"so you shouldn't walking around after suffering such intestine pain and force!"

"Just let me gush at how you have so much bad stuff happen to you that no one else could survive to angst through it afterwards, in order for the readers to be impressed with you, you baka!"

"a servant class gem like you should understand that warrior class's like me were made to endure such trials that mould us into what we are now" he replied back to her .

Does the Diamonds deploy their quartz soldiers from orbit now, you boastful bag of luke-warm air?

"but you still shouldn't be walking around after that, even if you have a superior regeneration ability then any gem, you still suffer the after effects of surviving such events" pointing out that such regenerating experience leave gems who were reformed by her to suffer with fatigue

Well, I can certainly see how she concludes this when she wasn't the one to use her un-shattering powers on him that she is somehow supposed to have.

"I know my limits with suffering with fatigue and as I said before we warrior continue to push on after enduring through that" he finally found the exit after having to walk around her so many times.

"now I must be on my way, inform your master that they have been a gracious host and that I cannot repay such generosity but once I am reunited with my crew I shall repay them tenfold"

"They'll get an extra big gift basket when this planet is destroyed."

The underlying implications so far turns it all into a parody, for crying out loud.

"stupid clod head piece of granite, not understanding that I belong to no one hope he gets rusts" she grumbled heading towards the house phone to tell her mother about this, she waited for someone to pick up as the ringing in ear's became familiar her as seconds passed by until someone finally answered "hello?" the familiar voice of her mother came through the phone "hello mom it's Jewel" she answered smiling at hearing her mother's voice.

"oh Jewel it's so nice to hear from you, you wont believe what happened to us today" her mother spoked with joy in voice

"Homeworld invaded, we all got abducted and the spaceship blew up for no reason, so now there is a dangerous fusion in the ocean while two other Homeworld gems are on the loose, and Steven could have died a dozen of times. You know, I had really hoped you would have returned any of my phone calls during the hours their ship had yet to land in, so that you could help us out in protecting the planet, but I know you were probably so busy tending to your roses that you forgot to contact me like you do on your normal routine. Anyway, how are you?

"same here mom, last night a gem crashed into the field of roses just outside of my house" silence was all that she heard for a while before her mother shakely replied "w-w-what gem?" "he an Onyx like dad was only red" "JEWEL don't leave the house I'm coming!" her mother yelled through the phone before hanging up leaving a bewildered jewel in her place 'what was that all about'.

Wow, you can't even properly warn your daughter that she is within shattering distance of the biggest threat at hand? Is she supposed to just assume she should lock her door while waiting for you, or something?

Minutes went by before frantic banging on her door alerted her to the arrival of her easily panic mother, opening it she was engulf in a tight hug by her mother while her aunts Garnet and Amethyst rushed into the house "oh my Jewel! are you okay!? Did he hurt you!? Where is that monster!?" her franticly asked checking her, and stroking her hair in a protective fashion "I'm fine mom but he's not here anymore he just left" she said calming her mother down a bit before her aunts came out "he's not here" her aunt Garnet said confirming what she just said.

So, in this fanfic we have Pearl with five thousand years of experience with being a mother, and Amethyst and Garnet by extension earning aunt status, having in a sense changed all their underlying character and motivation behind their actions that the author still glued his ass to via retaining the canon. Wow. Poor Steven.

"Jewel sweetie where did he go?" "I don't know, he stayed her for the night and then left half an hour ago saying he's going to reunite with his crew before repaying my *master* for her kindness" she said telling the crystal gems of what he said before leaving.

"that's not good" Garnet started "if Onyx manages to gather his team then we serious trouble" she said dreading should he gather is lost crew "only good thing about this is that his second in command Jasper is trapped somewhere in the ocean thanks to her fusing with Lapis" her mother said with relief.

Because with Jasper's attained experience with fusion and altered past of being in Moronyx's superior command, and without entirely having faced off against Garnet to give her the motivation, of course Jasper decided to fuse with Lapis and got trapped in the fusion just like in the canon. Following the structure of this plot is like watching someone cheating at Jenga in zero-gravity.

"who is Blood onyx?" she asked to which her mother and aunty Garnet shared a glance before looking at her for a few seconds

Bitch, at this rate I'd be surprised if you don't ask who Steven is, what with you not even knowing the enemy front figure, the leader of the gem who supposedly shattered your father, from a now ancient war that you were born less than a year afterwards for anything about you to line up with logic!

"I believe we should discuss this at the beach house with Steven he also needs to know who we'll be fighting for now" and with that the crystal gems plus Jewel travelled to their house in beach city.

Fighting against, author. While we are at it, up is up and down is down, just thought you might need that pointed out to you.

-with Onyx-

The battle hardened warrior

You have shown nothing but this dense brick having a five times longer career as a pampered errand boy for the Diamonds, author, stop claiming he still has laurels left to rest on.

slowly walked through the lush grass lands that was the very spot of his last battle with Rose Quartz

Ah, yes, the final battlefield which, if you remember the garbage the author fed us in Chapter 4, is supposed to be Beach City.

"this whole land was nothing more than a barren dirt ball filled with scorch marks, ship wreckages, discarded weapons, shattered gems and destroyed buildings, now it was a lush green grass land with a few flowers popping up in place of where fallen gems laid" he commented looking at all of the small life around him, it was in a sense beautiful when it wasn't a graveyard for fallen gems "it's odd to believe that this is where I was first shattered" he said touching the ground feeling the strains of the small plants brush between his fingers "it's hard to believe that I was fighting here then come back to see it full of planet life and the scared natives evolved enough to build more then simple stick houses".

And I find it hard to believe that you give a single fuck about any of what you just said beyond obeying the author feeding you lines to pretend you can sound profound and nostalgic, when it's probably not going to amount to anything, you pretentious, naval-gazing cock puppet.

"now to stop delaying I need to reunite with Jasper and Paridot" getting up from the ground he continued his searched for the other gems and for the first time in his life he felt alienated from his species.

Nice to know this baby can't take a mission out in the field for more than an hour without whining about not being around his entire fan-club faction.

-crystal gems-

Once the rebels returned to their home in beach city their gathered everyone including Connie and Greg in front of portrait of their leader Rose Quartz.

What an oddly formal way of saying 'In Stevens room, hallway between the kitchen and the couch'.

"Now then I'm sure your all wondering who or what Onyx is?" Garnet started having everyones attention "uh yeah who was that tall red gem" Amethyst said in her sarcastic tone "well you see many eons ago before any of you came to be" pearl continued gesturing to humans and Steven "Rose led a small band of rebels gems that sought to free the earth and gems from the oppression of the diamonds".

Because having the narrative, and Moronyx himself boast of how awesome and cool and threatening he is wasn't enough for this author, now let's have the heroes of the canon tremble and piss themselves in awe of how dangerous an enemy he is. We are either going to have more retcons on behalf of the overpowered asshole, or reinforcing what the author has blundered on about up to this point, potentially as a recap for himself.

"yes yes we all know this story, other gems joined leading toward the great war that had homeworld running back home with their tail between their legs" Amethyst interrupted filling in the basic information that they all knew about "yes Amethyst but if you'll me to finish I'll get to the part that you don't know about" Pearl sigh at the inpatient short warrior gem "right before the attacks on the diamonds that escalated into a war, they were using earth as both a breeding ground and testing field for their prototypes and it was here that Oynx was created".

Breeding ground? Are you aware of how convoluted you are making your story with all these words that I have to assume you wrote intentionally, author? You have gems being grown, bred, born, harvested, and I'm just waiting for you to decide to have Moronyx split in two precise halves and perform mitosis at this point!

"wow so he's from one of the gardens here" Steven muttered in awe of such a gem being created here

What is this kid supposed to be in awe of? Author, are you seriously having Steven fellate your self-insert's ego for standing around and doing nothing in the only confrontation they've had?!

"indeed Steven now while he was a whole new class of gem he was different than the rest of our species" pearl said smiling at his enthusiasm to learn about this history lesson

Pearl is currently telling her adoptive son about the most horrible gem to plague her faction in a thousand year war, which she in the past has neurotically described with Rose-tinted glasses rather than admit the tenuousness of their campaign. A campaign which you folded all into Homeworld's favor in this fanfic, author. I wish you could even become aware of your own bullshit right now.

"different how exactly" Connie asked intrigued about gems and their history "as you know all gems are Naturally female

While I can draw parallels, Gemkind is not the Asari from Mass Effect, author. They are genderless rocks who happen to have feminine shapes and pronouns most of the time, because nothing determines it to be something else. I'm only insisting on this part because it's not even an identity issue or stuff like that. They are a mono-gendered alien species that procreates asexually, where the terms male and female wouldn't make sense to them. That's it. Make an AU about this if you want, just have it come across as that and let it make sense internally too, because what you are writing here accomplishes neither.

and that there's never been a male in our kinds history and we used harvesters to create new gems"

You are like a chatbot that has latched onto a word for feeling proud at thinking it knows what it means, author. You don't create things when you harvest, you boob.

"so you mean is that when Stevens dad did the horizontal tango with his mom he made her pregnant with him" Amethyst being the blunt one spoke about the little half gem parents making love causing a series of blushes to appear on those who were aware of how new life is born except for Steven who had yet to understand the mechanics of what sex is.

First off, Steven is twelve, not an idiot, author. For all I know, you're younger than twelve on account of your lemon. Second of all, why does Amethyst think this is relevant? Pearl is talking about comparing Moronyx with the old ways of producing gems. Why do I feel like I'm the only one paying attention here?

"Sigh yes Amethyst" pearl sighed at the blunt gem "and when you and Jewel dad did it" the short smirk at seeing the pearl getting flustered at her own sex life revealed "AMETHYST!" pearl cried out in embarrassment to which the short gem laughed at the dignified pearl losing her cool, "so my dad and mom dance which made me like you and Jewels father did" Steven asked not knowing the male and female anatomy works only what gem bases of dancing works "I'll tell you when you're older Steven" his dad said "but I-" "when you're older!" everyone yelled out stopping the young boy from asking any further.

Well, fuck Rose Quartz's sacrifice for Steeven, am I right? Gems can just be born and be their own selves from the start, needing neither parents to sacrifice a single thing, so I guess Greg really is the Murder Cock that everyone says he is.

"anyway back on the subject Blood onyx was the first ever male to come into existence, naturally the diamonds thought him to be nothing than a defect and were about to order him to be shatter until Pink Diamond was shatter and we claimed independences for the planet, every single gem including him were called to battle and it was during that time that Onyx demonstrated his unique abilities,


Zircon explained during Steven's trial that Pink Diamond was shattered several hundred years into the war, author. Your timeline is so tangled up that it's tearing itself apart. Are you just shuffling the events out of order in favor of your gemsona being hailed as super lucky on top of ignoring how you established him in the first chapter's opening crawl, too?

changing the opinions of the diamonds who wanted more gems like him so they started a program to create super soldiers in his image which is where I met Onyx, my Onyx" she sighed longingly at the gems name "and several others who later joined us but they were each hunted down and shattered" she adopted a sad look at remembering what she thought happen her daughters father.

Way to spoil the reveal by your obtuse wording of Pearl's false impressions, author. And some super soldiers those Onyxes were, huh? This is the second time these red herrings have been both shat onto the script and then unceremoniously flushed down the drain to tie Jewel into this mess.

"on the last day of the war Rose Quartz and Blood Onyx battled for the fate of the world while we fought against entire home world army including Jasper who led the attack, during their fight Onyx's blade pieced her side and she used that moment to shatter him" "with him gone they were forced to retreat all the while carrying the remains of his gem, in last effort to annihilate us they fired at us from orbit, we only survived because Rose in last ditch effort used her shield to protect us from the their ships fire while all those we fought with perished in the fires that engulf the planet only those like the humans who sought shelter far beneath the earth survived" she said finishing the tale of who, what onyx was and his supposedly death.

Oh, good, the presiding, moronic backstory still prevails with totally obliterating orbital bombardments that hasn't touched a single canon gem structure, while this exposition doubles down on how people besides Moronyx has history with each other that is conveniently ignored whenever the canon script rears its head. And Steven is left blank-faced and unresponsive as he is getting confirmation that his mother used the option of shattering on a regular basis. The author needs to pass me his crack pipe before I accept any of this nonsense!

"but now he's back" Connie whisper in fear of facing something that was supposed to be dead

If only I could say the same, seeing as I'm currently holding a funeral for the author's writing talents.

"he was supposed to be shattered we watched it happen!" Pearl cried out "when he crashed in the field of roses not far from my house I saw him shatter then when I picked up his remains I saw how they slowly melded back to together without the aid of my powers" Jewel informed them of how he survived.

"I didn't bother bubbling this foreign gem that never belonged to my faction for my entire life, or contact any of you about what happened before he left because shut up."

"so that's how he survived, but if we can't shatter him then maybe we bubble him when he's at his weakest" Garnet s "but you remember what he's like, he won't lose his form unless he's shattered!" pearl pointed out the flaw in her plan "then we do just that when we see him again".

Whatever, as if the author will not just pull out a not pre-established bubble-nullifying power out of his ass for when that happens after pretending his self-insert has suffered a defeat.

-location unknown-

Somewhere in the dark depth of vast ocean a single being with a huge long body, two gems located on his nose,

You really need to control your gender pronouns in your fanfic, when the defining trait of your self-insert is that he is the only one of his race adhering to that particular one, author, for fuck sake

back and had multi limbs that was being held down by chain made entirely of water, however what was imprisoning the being was not the chains but a battle within it's mind as two minds battled for domination over the body, their struggles ending in stalemates.

Thumb wars with yourself get very extreme when you have hands for feet.

"Curse you! You little Clod! Let me go!" one of the minds demanded that the other release her from her prison "No! I will not let you harm them!" the other who held control over the other exclaimed her reason for keeping the other captive "JUST WAIT! Until my Onyx finds us and unlike him I'm more merciful" the captive force grinned twistedly at the other with a look that promised pain

Oh yeah, he's so merciless and dangerous that he'd not even dare say thanks for the hospitality of gems on a rebel planet, and then walk calmly out their door. Go suck a dick besides your own, author

"they won't find us! He won't find us! This is the deepest, darkest hole in the planet nothing can survive the pressure down here Jasper!" the other cried out in fear.

Stop making everyone instantly convinced and aware of how much they have to appropriately piss their pants at just thinking your self-insert is coming after them, author. It's bordering on insecurity at this point.

"hahhahahahah" Jasper laughed twistedly at the water gem "you fell to underestimate what my onyx is capable of, nothing can destroy him, not rebels!, not Rose Quartz and certainly not what this pathetic mud ball has to offer" she gloated about the male gem,

Wow, an undefeatable, villain protagonist that the author is going to use to jerk off all over the beloved cast with, how exciting.

holding on to the spark of hope that he will come for her unaware that due to their fusion that they shared link that Lapis was reliving the memories of Jasper and her time with Onyx "it's not Natural what you two do!" she cried out leaving the memory of the two of them melding more physically then what she seen.

At this point, 'Natural' is the center-placed pocket on the backside of a weighted roulette wheel, Lapis, I wouldn't bother putting my bets on it ever occurring with this author.

"Natural or no, once I get free from your Binds I'll take great enjoyment at slowly shattering you gem in my very hand" she then began to laugh insanely causing fear to surge within the small water gem who would have to listen to the insane rambling of her captive for as long as she holds her.

And let's just have the author giggle while he makes his favored faction cackle like cartoon villains, the very trope the show itself defied. What a clueless moron.

I hope you enjoyed the chapter thus far,

Why, does it continue from here? What time machine did you hit your head against?

please review if you liked it, if there's any mistake or certain bits that you do not like please tell me so that I may change or get rid of it.

Certain bit, yes. The first bit, the last bit, and all the little bits in-between.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest