But you didn't came here to hear me whinning, did you? So let's talk about something else. Let's talk about Equestria Girls.
Equestria Girls, you may have heard about it, is a movie that premiered on 2013. The premise is simple. A mysterious mare, later revealed to be a former student of Princess Celestia named Sunset Shimmer, steals Twilight Sparkle’s Element of Magic and escapes through a magical mirror. Twilight gives chase and ends up in an alternate version of Equestria where every character is a human with the majority of them being high school students. Yep. Basically, Hasbro wanted some of that sweet money Monster High was making.
From what I’ve read, the reception for the first film was mixed, probably because the plot looks like it was written by using a list of “teens in high school” movie clichés, including Sunset Shimmer being an archetypical “mean girl”, Twilight having to become the queen of some dance and even developing a crush on a painfully generic dude, plus a severe lacking of magic overall.
Still, things got better. Equestria Girls got three more films, four specials and six animated shorts. Reasons for the success include the redemption of Sunset Shimmer, introduction of new and entertaining characters and plenty of use of magic.
Why am I telling you this? Simple. EG has its share of shitty stories. Moreover, the characters being humans and the action taking place in high school makes it extremely easy for authors to introduce their self-inserts. Add some Yu-Gi-Oh! to spice things up and you get...this.
This is "Yu-Gi-Oh! EQG" by blueeyeswhitedragon0
He was dreaming.
Dreaming of a world where Netflix’s Iron Fist was well written, well acted and well coreographed and was one of Marvel’s best live-action shows.
Oh, sorry. That was me.
In his dream he saw the creature that seemed ever-present each time he drifted into sleep.
The source of countless morning woods.
It was one of the most legendary creatures in duel monsters, a monster long thought to have only three existing copies.
Uh…can I take back the previous joke?
The blue eyes white dragon.
Not to be confused with the “Blue-Eyes White Dragon”, you dumb illiterate fuck. Jesus Christ. We’re not talking about having a folder filled with copies of the card or the damn thing tattooed on the tip of your dick--it’s its name! The most fucking basic thing about it!
Ever since Pegasus decided to put the card back in production, everyone had the chance to wield the power of the legendary dragon. He was just lucky when the pack he opened contained three of them.
-Be Seto Kaiba
-Use the full resources of your company to track all the existing copies of the Blue-Eyes White Dragon and locate each one of them in USA, Germany, Hong Kong and Japan respectively.
- Make deals with the mafia to take care of the first owner. Make the second go bankrupt and the third commit suicide.
- Use three copies to give the fourth owner a heart attack in a duel and destroy the last copy to ensure nobody can use it against you.
- Be nameless protagonist of shitty story.
- Open a booster pack and pull three copies.
I’m not saying he should’ve stabbed somebody, but for Fuck’s Sake, how about having to visit three different stores, buying a whole box of booster packs or trading half of his collection for one?
As he finished reminiscing about his favorite card, the boy was snapped back into his dream. However, this dream was different from the ones that came before. Normally the skies were clear, but now a storm was raging and lightning and thunder split the sky! As the lightning flashed, he could make out two figures. One was his blue eyes white dragon! And the other looked like a dragon, but it had five heads sprouting from it's body! The five-headed beast then let loose a fearsome roar and was about to attack! Then, the boy heard a mysterious voice go off in his head.
“Putting exclamation signs at the end of your sentences won’t change the fact they’re poorly written and as exciting as a grocery shopping list.”
"Burst....Burst! Burst!", the voice cried out! Burst looked to see where the voice was coming from, and saw that it was coming from blue eyes himself!
Statistically speaking, somebody had to like Jurassic Park III
Burst Stream woke up with a start!
The guy’s name is “Burst Stream”.
I…I’m sorry, is your surname “Of Destruction” by any chance? Why in the everloving fuck are you named after the attack of the Blue-Eyes White Dragon? Is your dad named “Ultimate Burst”? Do you have a cousin named “Shining Burst”? Is this trend going to continue? Can I look forward to a dude called “Cyber Energy Shock”?
Catching his breath from his vivid dream, he got up and changed into his day clothes. "No sense trying to sleep any longer, might as well get ready.", he muttered. After he was dressed, he paused and went over to his deck and pulled out his copies of blue eyes white dragon. "Strangest dream I've had about you guys yet.", he thought out loud.
Somebody hasn’t hit puberty yet.
Putting that thought aside, Burst Stream put his deck in his pocket, 'I owe Rainbow Dash a rematch today. No better time to test out some of my new cards!', he thought to himself as he went downstairs to eat breakfast.
Ah yes, one of the downsides of being the most competitive and successful member of the main cast is that you will be used as a means for the authors to show how badass their damn self-inserts are.
"Good morning Burst!", his mom greeted him once he was at the table.
"Mornin' Mom!", Burst said as he began eating.
"I put your duel disk near your pack because of that rematch you have with your friend you told me about yesterday"
"Thanks Mom!", Burst said as he finished eating, "Hey Mom?"
"Why did you name me after the attack of my favorite monster?"
I’m going to be generous and say she wanted to start building your porn star career as soon as possible.
"Well, I suppose it's because you look like a human version of the blue eyes white dragon. Snowy white hair, that blue tint your skin has to it, and your eyes seem to glow just like the burst stream attack.", she said with a fond smile.
Your furry porn star career.
Incidentally, “Burst Stream” is the original Japanese name of the BEWD attack. The Americanized version is “White Lightning”. Guess even furries have a small idea of what subtlety means.
Burst Stream just blushed in response as he hugged her goodbye and left for school. He put his duel disk in his backpack, and headed for the bus stop. Once he was on board, his friend Flash Sentry took note of his duel disk peeking out of his pack.
Ah yes, remember the guy I mentioned Twilight developed a crush on in the first film? That’s Flash here. He’s an stereotypical high school romantic interest. “Handsome”, “cool” and “nice”. Plays a guitar and owns a sports car, etc. Setting aside the whole romance thing, Flash’s role in the movie was one practically any other character could have fulfilled. Needless to say, people didn’t like him. It got to the point the writers noticed and greatly diminished his presence in the sequels.
"Hey Burst! I'm guessing you've got a duel today?", Flash greeted him.
"Yep. Rainbow wants another go at me. What about you? You bring your deck?", Burst asked.
Flash sighed, "Afraid not. Left it at home."
"Sorry to hear that man. Maybe next time?"
Credit where it’s due. The author managed to perfectly capture Flash’s complete irrelevance as a character.
"Thanks. And good luck against Rainbow! Word has it she's got a new crystal beast deck, and she's eager to bust out her Rainbow Dragon.", Flash warned him.
Yes. Rainbow Dash plays with a Rainbow Dragon deck. I hope the full power of the author’s creativity hasn’t left you too flabbergasted to continue reading.
"Don't worry about me, I've got a few new surprises up my sleeve", Burst said with a smile as he anticipated the duel that was to come.
Yeah, I can’t wait to see how you will surely kick Rainbow Dash’s rear.
It's time to duel! Burst Stream is my yugioh OC that I made up while building my own blue eyes white dragon deck.
What a stunning revelation. I can’t imagine how much time and effort it took you to come up with it.
Next chapter, get ready for the first duel of the story!
Seriously? This chapter is barely over a six hundred words, you lazy fuck. Anyway, since I’m not a monumental faggot, I’m going to post the second chapter with the author’s pathetic attempt of a duel.
The day went by pretty fast, and before Burst Stream knew it, it was lunch period. On his way to a table, he noticed Rainbow Dash was waiting for him.
"'Sup Burst! Ready for Round 2?", Rainbow boasted.
Burst smiled, "Get your deck ready! It's time to duel!", he cried as he activated his duel disk and put his deck in it.
Rainbow responded in kind by activating her duel disk and getting her deck ready, "Bring it on!"
So they’re going to duel in the middle of the freaking cafeteria? Outside? The void? Where the hell are they?
As the duel began, Burst made the first move. As soon as he drew, he took note of his starting hand. "I'll reveal one blue eyes white dragon in my hand, and special summon one blue eyes alternative white dragon! Next, I'll set one card face down and end my turn."
Rainbow then started her turn, "I'll play double summon to play two crystal beasts in defense mode and set a card facedown! Next I'll play hand destruction! Now we both discard two cards and draw two new ones!"
Lovely. Nothing like having the characters narrate every single damn play they make like they’re reading from a script. Here, allow me to give you an example from the best YGO GX story I’ve read when it comes to duels.
Let’s ignore the unusual use of present tense and the fact numbers below 10 should be written in letters. Notice how the characters’ actions are effectively handled by the narrative, while they themselves make no mention of their plays or the effects of their cards; the latter is especially important since it trusts the readers with either knowing the effects of the cards or being able to piece it from the descriptions of the action. The end result is that everything feels far more dynamic.Ramirez trembles, and his breathing becomes short and erratic. "I won't forgive someone like you, for belittling this opportunity I've been granted." Without warning, Ramirez sets a monster and 2 set s/t cards to the field. He stares down Manjyome for a moment more, before coldly declaring the end of his turn. Ramirez's life points appear at his back at 4000.
Manjyome glares furiously at him with his bared teeth grind together. As he draws, he brings the card across his gaze. He throws his hand up and declares absolutely, "This will be the end of you!" Manjyome sets 2 s/t cards. He immediately follows it up with Giant Trunade. A huge gust of wind kicks up, bouncing his 2 set cards to his hand. Ramirez holds his hand out over one of his cards, activating it in a chain. His set Threatening Roar flips over. His card roars fiercely, sending a shockwave that pushes Manjyome back a step, before going to the Graveyard. Ramirez's other s/t card blows away, and lands amidst his hand cards. Manjyome sneers at Threatening Roar, visually annoyed that he can't finish the duel this turn. Nonetheless, he reveals the 2 cards he had set, both Map of Hidden Treasure. He sends them to the Graveyard to draw 4 new cards.
Manjyome continues undeterred by Ramirez's Threatening Roar. He sets 2 more s/t cards before activating Card Destruction, discarding 4 cards and drawing 4 new ones. Ramirez discards 4 cards and draws 4 new ones. Manjyome activates his set Premature Burial, reviving X - Head Cannon. He flips over one of his set cards, the continuous spell Front Line Base. He uses its effect to Special Summon Y - Dragon Head. Finally, he normal summons Z - Metal Tank. He removes all 3 of them from play to summon XYZ - Dragon Cannon. The 3 machines break apart and fuse together in spectacular fashion to create the impressive machine. Manjyome discards a card from his hand to destroy Ramirez's set monster. XYZ - Dragon Cannon fires on the monster. Nimble Momonga is revealed. The tiny squirrely marmot squeaks fearfully as it is destroyed by XYZ's cannon fire. Manjyome sets a single s/t card and ends his turn.
By the way, Rainbow’s play up there? Impossible. She starts with six cards, plays Double Summon to call two monsters and sets a single card. That’s six minus four, which leaves her with two cards, one of them being Hand Destruction, which requires both players to be able to discard two cards in order to be played.
"I draw! First I'll reveal my blue eyes to summon another alternative dragon! Next, I play trade-in to discard my blue eyes to draw to cards and set a card face down to end my turn.", Burst said.
"My turn! I draw! Now I'll play hand destruction so both of us have to discard two cards and draw two new ones! Now I play pot of greed! I'll summon another crystal beast in defense mode!", Rainbow said.
Burst drew a card, "I can't do much at the moment, so I'll end my turn. Your move Rainbow."
Your two dragons with 3000 attack points cannot do anything against her non-descript Crystal Beasts. And you cannot use your monsters’ effects to destroy hers at the cost of attacking either because something something. Of course, we know the real reason is because we have to wait until Rainbow Dash summons her best monsters so Burst--*barfs*--Stream can look his best after he beats it.
Rainbow took a look at her hand, and smiled, "I activate graceful charity! I get to draw three cards, but I also have to discard two cards! First I'll play the field spell Advanced Dark! Now I activate Rainbow Gravity! This lets me special summon Rainbow Dark Dragon! And since I have all seven Crystal Beasts on my field and in my graveyard, I can summon Rainbow Dragon! Now I activate Rainbow Dragon's effect! I'll send the crystal beasts I control to the graveyard and he gains 1000 attack for each! Now I'll banish all my dark monsters from my graveyard to power up Rainbow Dragon, which gives him 500 for each one banished! Go Spectrum and Dark Spectrum Blasts!", she cried in triumph as her dragons fired beams of rainbow energy!
Am I the only one picturing Rainbow Dash reading all that crap at full speed from a cue card before throwing it away and asking where’s her money?
Burst cracked a smile, "Not so fast! I activate my trap, negate attack!", he cried as his trap halted the two dragons' attack. "My turn! First, I'll play return of the dragon lords to revive my blue eyes! Next, I'll activate my alternative white dragons' effects. Once per turn, I can target one monster my opponent controls and destroy it! I have two alternative dragons, so I'll destroy your rainbow and rainbow dark dragons!"
"Aw man! I just summoned them!", Rainbow groaned in disappointment
"Now I'll play polymerization and fuse my three dragons into blue eyes ultimate dragon! Attack her directly! Ultimate Burst!", Burst said.
Rainbow gave a defeated smile, "Good duel Burst! That was one epic finish! I didn't expect you to take down my ace monsters so quickly!"
The fact you played like a complete idiot may have had something to do with it. Honestly, this duel shows a lot about the author’s lack of writing skill, creativity and priorities. The first one I’ve already talked about. The second you can see on the extremely basic, when not downright wrong, plays the characters make. The last one is especially pathetic: notice how the author doesn’t even bother to name the Crystal Beast monsters Rainbow Dash summons. He knows his self-insert is going to win so he doesn’t even bother.
"Thanks Dash! By the way, how are friends doing with their decks?"
"Rarity finished making her gem knight deck, Fluttershy's got a complete beast deck now, AJ just built her synchro and xyz deck, Pinkie Pie now has a working madolche deck, Twilight's finished her dark magician deck, and Sunset's made a mixed deck with a bunch of different monsters.", Rainbow answered
So much for suspense.
"Nice! Hey, if you and your friends aren't busy after school today, come stop by Discord's card shop! He's always got some good stuff on hand, and he's always more than happy to show off that rare card of his!", Burst offered.
Specially to high school girls, if you get my drift.
As the two friends headed off to their next class, they were unaware that someone had been watching their duel and paying close attention to their conversation.
Blueblood was curious,'That student has some cards of great interest. I suppose I should also pay a visit to that card shop he mentioned. This Discord could have the card I've been searching for.', he thought with a devious smile.
“W-Wait a minute! That’s not a rare card, that’s your penis!”
Next chapter, Burst Stream and his friends go to Discord's card shop and he shows them his most prized card! But soon Blueblood shows up and demands that he sells him the treasured card! How far will this new duelist go to get what he wants? Find out next chapter!
I imagine he's going to offer Discord a fuckton of money and when that doesn't work, he's going to offer a suitcase filled with rare cards and when that doesn't work, he's going to challenge Discord to a duel and give him a heart attack, forcing Burst--*barf*--Stream to intervene. Because why trying to come up with your own shit when you can copy paste somebody's else stuff?
It's good to be back.