Yu-Gi-Oh! EQG

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Dashguy
Posts: 13
Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2017 12:33 pm
Location: Argentina

Re: Yu-Gi-Oh! EQG

Post by Dashguy » Mon May 14, 2018 12:51 pm

The only good thing I can think about this literary abomination is that the chapters are so short it makes this whole mocking thing easier. And, just in case, here’s a little reminder of our counter:

DICK SUCKING: 15


With Rainbow Dash, Sunset, Twilight, and Burst each close to ten star chips, Rarity was wondering if she would have any luck finding an opponent. That is, until she came across an in-progress duel.

"I attack you directly! Finish him off!", Suri said, "I'll take your star chips now, okay?"

"Hello Suri.", Rarity said flatly. This was the same girl who copied her fabric during Fashion Week back in Manhattan, and pawned it off as her own work! Now was a good time for some payback!

Yeah! She stole your work and now you’re going to…uh, beat her in a card game…so, payback’s a bitch, I guess?

"Heey Rarity.", Suri greeted, "Nice to see you again. I didn't know you were in Duelist Kingdom. Want to duel me next?"

"Of course darling! I wouldn't miss this for anything! And to make things interesting, I put all of my five star chips on the line!", Rarity said with a confident smile.

"I'll put all of my five on the line too, okay?", Suri said.

This is so…weird. I mean, Rarity reads positively vindictive while Suri is just so…calm. I mean, if the incident in Manehattan happened exactly as with their pony counterparts, that means Rarity won the contest at the end of the day, meaning she’s acting like a bitch towards Suri, who may or may not have turned into a new leaf, because she can’t let go of a grudge.

Rarity: 4000
Suri: 4000


"I'll start this duel off, okay?", Suri asked, "I'll set one card facedown and end my turn. Your move Rares."

"My turn!", Rarity said, "I'll play brilliant fusion and fusion summon Gem-Knight Lady Brilliant Diamond and end my turn."

Suri smiled, "I play Brain Control! I pay 800 life points, but I get to take your monster! I'll borrow her for a bit okay Rares? Attack her directly", she said as she took control of Rarity's monster. But as Lady Brilliant Diamond attacked, Rarity took no damage!

"Ah! A most clever tactic my lady!", Lady Brilliant Diamond said. Due to Brilliant Fusion's effect, Lady Diamond had no attack points!

"What?! Your cards can talk? That's so not fair, okay? I'll trade you for them.", Suri begged.

Rarity: 4000
Suri: 3200


"Sorry, but I wouldn't trade my friends here for anything. And since your turn has ended, Lady Diamond is right back where she belongs. Welcome back darling!", Rarity said with a smile. "And now, it. Is. On! First I'll discard a spell card from my hand to give Lady Diamond her strength back!"

"Most generous Lady Rarity!", Lady Diamond said.

"Oh I'm not done yet Lady Diamond! Next I'll summon Gem-Knight Alexandrite, and use your effect to send him to the graveyard. Now I'll special summon Master Diamond from my extra deck in attack mode!"

Alexandrite gave Lady Brilliant Diamond a salute as he vanished in a flash of light, and was replaced with Gem-Knight Master Diamond! "And now I activate his special ability. For every Gem monster in my graveyard, he gains 100 attack points. Let's end this with style you two! Attack Suri directly!"

Image

What…the fuck was that? Assuming the player going first also draws, which has not been the case in the real world game for a long while, and that Suri’s set card was the Brain Control she played, she still had six cards in her hand. Are you telling me not a single one of those cards could’ve helped her situation? Not a single monster she could tribute Lady Brilliant Diamond for? Not a single trap to block the attack? Nothing?

"With pleasure Lady Rarity!", Master Diamond shouted, "Face me with honor coward! With my blade, I exact retribution for trying to use my beloved against Lady Rarity!", he shouted as he and Lady Brilliant Diamond slashed at Suri directly!

Master Diamond and Lady Brilliant Diamond are couple. Doesn’t that read like something out of a conversation between a twelve years-old boy trying to explain the game to his fifty-something mother?

“And then you can fuse these two into Master Diamond.”

“Oohh, it’s so pretty! And what about this one? Lady Brilliant Diamond. That’s his wife, right?”

“What? No, it’s just another monster--”

“What do you mean “no”? He’s a boy, she’s a girl and they both have “diamond” in their names! Mr. and Mrs. Diamond!”

“Mom…please…”


"Hey, this is like so not fair Rares!", said Suri

“You didn’t even let me finish my turn properly!”

You know, characters starting their turn without confirmation from their opponents would explain a lot of shit about the awful dueling around here.


"So sorry darling, but neither is trying to use your opponents monsters against them.

“I know we developed this card, authorized its printing, released it to the public and deemed it tournament legal, but I still want you to know we consider its use to be unfair.”

Now then, five star chips please.", Rarity said politely.

"Dazzling performance darlings!", Rarity said to her two knights, "That final attack was just like you two. Flawless."

Master Diamond beamed with pride, "It was our pleasure Lady Rarity! And now, we have secured your place in the finals as well!"

"We shall always be at your call if you need us Rarity. We could not ask for a better master.", Lady Brilliant Diamond said.

Rarity smiled, "What truly makes you treasures isn't the fact that you serve me, but that you are all my friends. And that is what makes you truly shine!", she said dramatically.

Are you done fellating each other? You’re lucky the count is for Burst--*barfs*--Stream only or I would’ve added twenty points for this shit.

Let’s keep going.


Twilight had decided to go out on her own to find an opponent when she noticed a huge crowd gathered at a dueling area. Everyone's attention seemed to be focused on a girl who was boasting about her dueling skills.

"Behold dueslists!", Trixie called, "You are in the presence of The Great and Powerful Trixie! The master of spellcaster monsters! Are there any of you brave enough to challenge me in all of my magical might?"

"Hey Twi!", Burst said.

Twilight nearly jumped out of her skin! "Burst! Don't scare me like that!", she cried out.

"Sorry.", Burst said as he took note of Trixie's boasting, "No matter where she goes, Trixie always manages to attract a crowd."

It’s almost like she's a stage magician or something…

Trixie seemed to single out Burst and Twilight from the crowd. "Aha! It seems I've found a worthy challenge!", Trixie shouted, "What better opponent than the duelist who defeated Blueblood!

How about anybody else?

So, do you accept my challenge?"

"I think you should duel Twilight. She's pretty good with spellcasters too. She could even give you a run for your money!", Burst said with a confident smile, "Besides, this way it'll be true duel of magicians."

Are there going to be buzzsaws to slice the legs of the losers?

"So be it. Trixie accepts! I'll wager four of my star chips! How many do you wager?", Trixie asked with a smug look on her face.

"I don't know Burst, are you sure I'm ready to take her on?", Twilight asked nervously.

Sweetie, he said you do it. Do you want to get a taste of the pimp hand? Because this i show you get a taste of the pimp hand.

"Twilight,", burst said with a kind smile, "I don't know anyone who's used Dark Magician as well as you.

Not a hard feat when she’s the only one around here with that card.

It's your time to shine."

"He's right Twi.", Dark Magician's spirit said, "Let's show her just how many tricks we've got up our sleeves!"

Get it? Tricks? Because he’s a magician! Hue hue hue hue!

Twilight smiled, "I wager three of my star chips! Let's duel!"

Twilight: 4000
Trixie: 4000


"I'll start!", Twilight said, "First I'll summon Skilled Dark Magician and set one card facedown. I end my turn."

"Trixie will make her move now!", Trixie said, "First I'll play Ancient Rules and special summon Cosmo Queen from my hand! Now, attack her magician!"

"I activate my trap, Magic Cylinder! Now you take damage equal to Cosmo Queen's attack!", Twilight said "And now it's my turn! I'll play Graceful Charity! Now I just need to discard two cards. And now I'll play Cost Down to lower the levels of all the monsters in my hand by two! Now I summon Dark Magician Girl! Now I'll play Magical Dimension and tribute my Skilled Dark Magician to special summon my Dark Magician from my hand! And due to Magical Dimension's effect, I can destroy a monster my opponent controls!"

"No, my Cosmo Queen!", Trixie cried.

"Attack her directly!", Twilight called out, "Double Dark Magic Attack!"

Yep. Now I’m pretty sure characters just go ahead and take their turns before their opponents can make another play. Meaning they not only suck at dueling, they’re assholes too.

Twilight: 4000, win
Trixie: 0, lose


"A well met duel.", Trixie said gracefully, "It's been a while since I've met another spellcaster user who could give me a challenge! That was one spectacular one-turn finish!"

"Thanks!", Twilight said beaming, "Maybe we should duel again back at CHS!"

As Twilight and Trixie began to show each other their decks,

If you know what I mean. *wink*

Burst's thoughts were elsewhere. 'Rarity and Twilight are now in the finals. The only ones of our group not yet there are me, Sunset, and Rainbow Dash. Most of the lower level duelists have been eliminated. Things are only going to get harder from here.', Burst thought.

SPOILER ALERT:

No, they won’t.


Author's Note:

Next time on Yu-Gi-Oh! EQG! Sunset and Burst face off against Garble and one of his goons!

I wonder if the fact you can’t even be bothered to name the other guy is a clue about who’s going to emerge victorious.

But the stakes are a bit higher for Sunset! if she loses, she has to be Garble's GIRLFRIEND!

And, as we all know, a duel is a legally binding contract between the two parts, meaning she cannot tell him to fuck off and die if she were to lose.

And if Burst loses, he'll lose Blue Eyes forever!

This would be a bit more suspenseful if it wasn’t for the fact you have already made clear the Blue-Eyes is now mass produced.

Will Sunset become a part of the greedy dragon duelist's hoard, and will Burst be able to hold on to his favorite card and best friend? Find out next time!

And that’s all for today. Come join me next time, when the story takes a dark turn after Sunset loses and we witness the trials and tribulations she faces while trying to escape an abusive relationship.

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GorillaGamer
Posts: 147
Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2017 8:44 pm
Location: Adelaide: South Australia

Re: Yu-Gi-Oh! EQG

Post by GorillaGamer » Mon May 14, 2018 10:58 pm

The "duels" in this chapter were the pinnacle of laziness; Suri only played a single card, and Trixie was defeated in the span of two or so turns. I dread to see just how bad the final duel is.
Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
An old quote from Project PATREON.

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