Yu-Gi-Oh! EQG

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Re: Yu-Gi-Oh! EQG

Post by Dashguy » Tue Jun 05, 2018 12:20 pm

Did anybody say "card games on humanized ponies"?

Sunset stepped onto the dueling arena where Sombra was waiting for her. "So, it appears my next victim has come to face their doom.", Sombra said with an evil smirk.

Sunset glared at him in defiance! "I'll make you pay for what you did to Rarity's deck! You're going down tall, dark and ugly!"

You forgot to tell him his breath smells like poo.

Sunset: 4000
Sombra: 4000

"I play polymerization and fuse my Dark Blade with Pitch Dark Dragon to summon Dark Blade-The Dragon Knight! Next I play the field spell Mystic Plasma Zone to boost his attack points by 400! With that, I end my turn.", Sombra said.

"My turn, I draw!", Sunset said, "I special summon Guardain Eatos since there are no monsters in my graveyard and equip her with celestial sword! Now I activate her effect! By sending one equip spell that's on her, I can target up to three monsters in your graveyard and remove them from play! Then she gains 500 attack points for each one banished! Attack with celestial wingstorm!"

We should make a term for this shit. How about “Cue Card Duels”?

Sunset: 4000
Sombra: 3100

"I can sense your fear Sunset.", Sombra said with a wicked smile, "You will soon know the same terror Rarity felt.

Yeah, the terror of having to spend money to build your deck all over again.

And SHE will help in the process.". As Sombra spoke, Sunset's past self materialized out of the darkness. "So this is the weak excuse I've become. Pitiful. Your defeat will be satisfying.", she spoke with a dark smile.

Sunset smirked, "Nice try, but I'm not fooled by your elaborate illusion!"

Well, that was a load of nothing.

"Such a knowledgable girl you are.", Sombra said, "A pity you won't join me. You'd have been a worthy queen. First I summon Senju of the Thousand Hands to add one ritual monster from my deck to my hand, then my deck is shuffled. Next I play Contract with the Abyss and sacrifice monsters from my hand whose levels equal the exact level of the ritual monster I want to summon. Rise, Dark Master Zorc!"

"Those who oppose me shall know true fear!", Zorc howled as he came onto the field.

"You already know how his effect works. Go, dark dice roll!", Sombra cried as Zorc rolled his dark die! The die landed on a two! "Say goodbye to your guardian! Dark Thunder!", Sombra cried as Zorc summoned a black bolt of lightning that struck down Eatos, "Now attack her directly! Zorc Oblivion!"

Zorc then fired a blast of pure darkness that crashed into Sunset! Never before had she felt such immense fear and pain!

Sure, I’ll take your word for it.

Sunset: 900
Sombra: 3100

"I'm not done yet!", Sunset said defiantly, "I pay Hand Destruction so we both discard two cards and draw two new one! Now I'll banish the two monsters I just sent to summon BLS-Envoy of the Beginning! Now I'll use his effect to banish Zorc! Unfortunately, he can't attack now. I end my turn."

"And with this turn it all ends.", Sombra said with a savage smile, "I play Burial from a Different Dimension to return my banished monsters! Now I play Fulfillment of the Contract to revive Zorc now that he's back in my graveyard by paying 800 life points! Time for another dark dice roll!" Zorc rolled the die and it landed on a five, he then summoned a bolt of black lightning that destroyed BLS! "Attack her directly! Zorc Oblivion!", Sombra cried!

If she only had a trap to deal with monsters attacking directly or a monster that could be tributed to negate a destruction effect…

As Sunset's life points dropped to zero, she gazed in horror as her cards turned blank. Sombra gave a cruel sneer, "Now that you're out of my way, all that stands in my way is Burst Stream. I can't wait to feast on the energy of his cards too!".

'Burst, if anyone can stop him it's you! Please, don't lose!', Sunset mentally said as she went up to meet her friends.

I like how the author can’t even give her the dignity of revealing a weakness in Sombra’s deck in exchange for losing. Nope, she’s just one more victim.

Which reminds me,


Author's Note:

Next time, it's the final duel of Duelist Kingdom! The final round pits Burst against Sombra with the fate of both worlds in the balance! Will Sombra and Zorc win and bring an age of tyranny and chaos? Or will Burst and Blue Eyes emerge victorious and restore balance? The epic conclusion next time!

They say it’s not the destination, but the journey what’s important. Except here the destination is one big pile of dinosaur shit and the journey has been waddling through a pool of liquid shit.

And here we are, the conclusion of this “story” and the second longest chapter after the one where Burst--*barfs*--Stream faces Blueblood. Coincidence? I’ll let you decide.

All the duels in Duelist Kingdom had boiled down to the this! The final duel! Out of the eight finalists that had entered, only Burst and Sombra were left standing! The fate of both worlds hung in the balance of this one duel!


'It all comes down to this. I can't afford to hold anything back! Sombra has made it clear he'll stop at nothing until he and Zorc rule our world and the monsters'. I have to stop him! Right here, right now!', Burst thought to himself.

'I can almost taste my triumph! Only one obstacle stands in my way, Burst Stream! But soon he shall fall and I will be the king of our world while Zorc rules over the monsters realm!, Sombra thought to himself as a evil smile crept across his face.

Such complex and depth characters. Truly their clash will be one that goes far beyond a simple duel.

Both duelists stepped onto the dueling field, each one's eyes blazing! Burst's with the determination to protect his world and Blue Eyes', and Sombra's with anticipation of his conquest.

"So a worthy opponent finally graces my presence.", Sombra said.

"Swallow your pride you royal pain in the butt.", Burst said, "I promise you this, I won't lose!"

I always wondered what would happen if one of these duels with the entire world at the stake ended in a tie.

“So…uh, does this mean you’re not destroying the world?”

“I guess so…”

“Cool. Uh…are you going to surrender to the authorities?”

“What? No! I mean, I didn’t lose, right?”

“…Right. So, should we go at it again…?”

“Would you mind if we leave it for some other time? I kinda lost my groove…”

Burst Stream: 4000
Sombra: 4000

"My move!", Sombra said, "I summon Axe Dragonute! Now I set a card face-down and end my turn."

"My turn! I summon Keeper of the Shrine, and now I'll banish him to special summon Red Eyes Darkness Metal Dragon! Next I'll use his effect to special summon Dragon Spirit of White from my hand! Spirit's effect activates whenever he's normal or special summoned, I can banish one spell or trap card my opponent controls! Spirit Aura!", Burst said as Spirit unleashed a wave of energy that banished Sombra's set card! "Now Spirit! Destroy Axe Dragonute with Spirit Burst!", Burst said!

Burst Stream: 4000
Sombra: 3500

"I draw!", Sombra said, "I play Manju of the Ten Thousand Hands in defense mode and use his effect! I'll add one ritual spell card from my deck to my hand! Next I play Swords of Concealing Light! This card changes all your monsters to face-down defense mode and they can't change their battle positions! This should stall you long enough for me to summon Zorc! That's all for my turn."

"Good thing my monsters have high defense points! Looks like I need to push back!", Burst said, "Too bad that card only works on monsters that were on the field when it's activated! Meaning I can go on the offensive now! I'll reveal my Blue Eyes to special summon Blue Eyes Alternative! Next I'll use Spirits other effect! I tribute him to special summon a Blue Eyes White Dragon from my hand! I contact fuse my Alternative White Dragon and my Blue Eyes to summon Blue Eyes Twin Burst! Destroy Manju with Twin Burst Blast!"

Blue Eyes Twin Burst shot two streams of lightning from his mouths that wiped Manju off the field! "I set a card face-down and end my turn.", Burst said.

"My move then!", Sombra said as he drew. A dark smile crept onto his face as dark magic began to leak from his eyes. "And now it ends! I play Advanced Ritual Art! I send two normal monsters from my deck to the graveyard in order to ritual summon! Rise from Pandemonium and wreak terror upon the world! Dark Master Zorc!"

"Ah, the legendary Blue Eyes. I shall take great joy in sending you to your doom!", Zorc said.

"Now for his ability! Dark Dice Roll!", Sombra cried as Zorc summoned a die and rolled it. The die landed on a two!

"Say goodbye to your monsters! Dark Inferno!", Sombra cried with savage glee as Zorc unleashed a wave of dark flames that wiped out all of Burst's monsters! "Attack him directly Zorc! Zorc Oblivion!"

"Auugghhh!", Burst cried as he actually FELT the attack hit him with full force!

Burst Stream: 1300
Sombra: 3500

"One more attack, and it's all over!", Sombra said, "Feel free to forfeit, and I MAY spare you."

Burst's mind was panicking! 'I can't do anything! He's got me cornered with Zorc! I'm going to lose! I failed!'

If you only had attacked directly with your Red-Eyes Darkness Metal Dragon after destroying Sombra’s Axe Dragonute, then you had destroyed Manju with your Blue-Eyes and then attacked directly for the win with the other instead of fusing them.

Or if you had a card that would allow you to revive one of your Blue-Eyes like, let’s say, Silver’s Cry or a card that does the same, but you could also banish it from your graveyard to protect your dragons from destruction like, let’s say, Return of the Dragon Lords.

Or if the Blue-Eyes archetype had a Synchro Monster that could protect dragons from targeting and destruction until the end of the next turn after it was summoned and could bring back your Blue-Eyes from the graveyard.

What I want to say is, YOU’RE FUCKING STUPID.

"Don't give up Burst! As long as you can draw a card, things are never over!", Blue Eyes said as he materialized

"You're right Blue Eyes. But how can I beat him? If we had chaos form we could upgrade you no problem! But we don't and we're all on our own!"

Yeah, yeah, if only the Blue-Eyes archetype had one of the most powerful searching and drawing engines in the game, but blah blah blah.

"That's not true Burst! Because they're here.", Blue Eyes said as he pointed to all of Burst's friends. Sunset, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Inferno were all there.

Pinkie and Fluttershy disappeared after the third chapter, the last time Applejack was freaking named was eight chapters ago and most of time the girls are collectively refered to as Burst--*barfs*--Stream’s friends. But yeah, they’re there, much like the air is around you and me.

"They all came here to lift your spirits and support you. Because they know you WILL find a way to beat him! Now let's not disappoint them!", Blue Eyes said with a smile!

Glad we have dropped the pretense that they’re nothing more than glorified cheerleaders.

"Right!", Burst said as his eyes blazed with a renewed spirit, "Don't worry everyone, I'm not going to give up! Not until the last cards is drawn!"

Back in the real world, Sunset and the others opened their eyes and put away their favorite cards and smiled. "You can do it Burst Stream!", they all shouted!

Yeah, I’m giving you another point for that.


"Feel free to start crying whelp.", Sombra scoffed with a cruel smile. But to Sombra's surprise, Burst was laughing! "What's so funny?!", he demanded.

"Nothing. I'm just enjoying the duel!", Burst said with a smile, "And now I'm going to win!", he said as a he noticed a card had just materialized in his hand! "I activate the spell card Harmony Absolute! I can send a Blue Eyes monster from hand or deck to the graveyard, or banish one that's already in my grave to special summon the true ultimate form of Blue Eyes from my hand, deck, or graveyard! When all seems lost, Blue Eyes' true absolute power emerges! Rise, Blue Eyes Hamony Absolute Dragon! "

As Burst cried out his name, Harmony Absolute descended from the heavens! If Chaos MAX looked intimidating, Harmony Absolute was majestic. Blue Eyes was covered in platinum armor with seven different colored gems. Three were on each of his wing armor and one was on his helmet. His attack points were 5000.


"I end my turn.", Burst said with a confident smile.

"One shall stand, one shall fall Zorc! I give you this chance to surrender peacefully.", Blue Eyes said in a melodious voice.

"Incredible!", Sunset said in awe!

"Whoa Nelly! He got an upgrade!", Applejack said.

"Such gorgeous armor!", Rarity screamed.

"Awesome new look Blue Eyes!", Rainbow Dash said, "Kick Sombra's butt!"

"Give it all you got!", Twilight cheered!

Nice to see they all got their voices back right on time to cheer.


"Never!", Zorc growled, "I would sooner be destroyed than surrender to you! Besides, I doubt your change of wardrobe had little difference in terms of power! Sombra!"

"Yes Zorc! Dark Dice Roll!", Sombra cried as Zorc rolled the die. It landed on a three. "Now Zorc, Dark Lightning!"

Zorc summoned a bolt of black lightning that struck Blue Eyes head on! But when the dust cleared, he was still standing!

"How is this possible!", Sombra shouted enraged!

Burst smiled, "It's one of Blue Eyes Harmony Absolute's seven effects! He can't be destroyed by battle, he's immune to card effects, I take no battle damage from attacks involving him, and any effect damage done to me increases my life points instead, he can inflict piercing damage to a defense mode monster, and once per turn he can destroy any card my opponent controls! The only downside is that he can't attack when he activates that effect. And the last effect is that he gains 300 attack points for every monster in my graveyard! Attack with Absolute Harmony Burst Stream!"

I tribute your dragon to summon Volcanic Queen to your side of the field. Or Santa Claws. Or any Kaiju monster.

Really now, I don’t know what’s sadder. That I can get rid of this ridiculous attempt of a boss monster with just a single card or that the self-insert needs it to deal with freaking Dark Master Zorc.

"No, no, NOOOO!", Sombra screamed as Blue Eyes fired a rainbow colored burst stream that disintegrated Zorc! Burst had won the duel! Sombra watched as Zorc's card started to fade away. "I'll make you pay for that!", Sombra growled as he began to charge at Burst Stream! But he stopped when he realized he was fading away as well! "What's happening to me?!", he howled.

"You're sharing the same fate as Zorc.", Pegasus said, as he came down to the arena. "The evil inside both of you was too great to purify, so regrettably Burst and Blue Eyes had to do the next best thing. I'm sorry."

"NOOOOO!", Sombra screamed as he faded out of existence.

"I wish there was another way.", Burst said.

That’s okay, champ, as long as somebody explains there was nothing that could be done and you express a bit of regret with your best sad face, nobody will point out how you were laughing and announcing your victory just a couple of paragraphs ago, you hypocritical cunt.

Rarity and Sunset suddenly gasped as their decks began to glow! When they checked them, they found that their cards were restored after Zorc was defeated!

"Oh Diamond, how I've missed you!", Rarity said

"Nice to see you again milady!", Master Diamond said proudly.

"I know you're not really here, but that's not going to stop me from trying to hug you!", Rarity said as she rushed to hug him. But to surprise, she actually could feel his armor! The others quickly came to the same realization as their favorite monsters materialized before them in the flesh!

"This. Is. Awesome!", Rainbow Dash said as Rainbow Dragon gave her a hi-wing.

"Ah reckon we'll be seeing each other a lot more?", Sunset asked Gagaga Cowboy.

"Eeeyup.", Cowboy said with a tip of his hat.

"This is all too amazing!", Sunset said.

"Oh it's real as I am Sunny.", BLS said with a kind smile

"TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT MAGIC!", Twilight nearly screamed at Dark Magician!

"Easy Twi! One thing at a time!", Dark Magician said.

"No way!", Burst said, "I thought I was supposed to restore the balance between our worlds?!"

"You did Burst.", Pegasus said with a smile, "But that doesn't mean you have to separate them completely. Now all duelists that share bonds with their cards can summon the monsters themselves from their world!

Neat! Does that include Garble? The guy who wanted to force Sunset to become his girlfriend and was paired with a powerful, aggressive slaver dragon? Just asking.

Also, congratulations on winning Duelist Kingdom! I do hope you enjoy the bonus prize for saving the world!"

"Wait, there's more?", Rainbow Dash asked.

"You didn't expect to win this tournament and NOT get a prize at the end did you?", Pegasus asked, "Gentlemen, please give Burst Stream his prize!" As Pegasus spoke, two men in suits brought out a brief case that contained three million dollars!

I’m sure you already guessed the prize in the manga and the original JP dub was of three million YEN, which would have come up to USD 30,000 with the exchange rate of that time, but the cretins at 4Kids! translated it in the most literal way possible. Honestly, I’m kind of annoyed how among all the dub changes people righteously complain about, such as invisible guns, this one doesn’t come more often.

"Thank you Pegasus. I'll gladly split it with my friends.", Burst said kindly.

"Sweet! We save the world AND we get some sick treasure!", Rainbow cheered

"I think the first part is more important Rainbow.", Inferno said as everyone laughed!

Because everybody here has the sense of humor of a four years-old.

"Come on guys, let's go home.", Burst said as they made their way to the boat. "Blue Eyes, I think things are only going to get better from here!"

"You know Burst, I feel the same way!", Blue Eyes said as they began their journey home.

I’m gonna need a bigger DICK SUCKING counter, aren’t I? Speaking about it, the final count for this story is 19. I admit I expected it to go higher, but it makes sense when you realize the girls are basically background props with the ocassional lines.

Oh, and here’s the epilogue:

Meanwhile at Kaiba Corp.

"Sir!", a man in a suit said, "It appears that Duelist Kingdom has crowned a new winner!"
"Who's the duelist and what deck did they use?"

"His name is Burst Stream. He's from Canterlot and uses a Blue Eyes White Dragon deck. Why do you ask Mr. Kaiba?"

Gee, I dunno! Maybe because you barged here screaming about it?

Seto Kaiba turned around to face his employee, "It looks like I've found the location for the next Battle City."


It’s finally over. I think if I were to summarize this story in a single word it would be “lazy”. Yep. This story is just plain lazily written. The grammar is lacking, the prose is extremely dull and the narrative is boring. The plot is a messy copy-paste of the Duelist Kingdom of the original YGO series. Canon characters are reduced to their most basic traits and shoved aside to focus the attention on the original ones.

Speaking about the OCs, this is what blueeyeswhitedragon0 had to say about Burst--*barfs*--Stream in one of the comments:
For leadership skills, I took inspiration from Optimus Prime. In terms of spirit, I used Goku because Burst never gives in. For design, I used Dante from Devil May Cry. He was a pretty good base for making a guy that was essentially Blue-Eyes in human form. As for personality, I used a bit of Kamina from Gurren Lagann. Combine that with a bit of Superman's unwavering sense of good, and you've basically got the ultimate hero.
Let’s examine it bit by bit, shall we?

For leadership skills, I took inspiration from Optimus Prime.

I could tell from the way he encouraged Twilight to duel Trixie. Top notch leadership skills I tell you.

In terms of spirit, I used Goku because Burst never gives in.

Yeah, it’s not like “not giving in” is the most basic trait a shonen character can have. And wasn’t he going to drop the towel until the Blue-Eyes gave him a peep talk?

For design, I used Dante from Devil May Cry. He was a pretty good base for making a guy that was essentially Blue-Eyes in human form.

I wonder how many hours of research the author spent to come to the conclusion that the human form of a pure white dragon with blue eyes would probably look like a pale skinned, white haired dude?

As for personality, I used a bit of Kamina from Gurren Lagann.

I’ve never watched Gurren Lagann, but judging from pictures, that Kamina fella looks like an adventurous, hot-blooded and cool guy. In short, nothing like Burst--*barfs*--Stream.

Combine that with a bit of Superman's unwavering sense of good,

Superman’s “unwavering sense of good” manifests itself as always doing the right thing, even when it would be easier to burn the fuck out of the bad guys with his heat vision and rule the world with an iron fist.

Burst--*barfs*--Stream blasts the fuck out of the bad guy, but that’s okay because he was EVULZ and Pegasus said there was no other way.

and you've basically got the ultimate hero.

No, what you’ve got is an incredibly boring guy with zero personality beyond “I’m good and I’m gonna save the world”, at best. At worst, he’s a sanctimonious jerkoff who likes to vomit generic lines of “wisdom” and blabber about the supposed bond he shares with his cards despite the fact he got all of them with minimum effort and practically never talks with the spirits inside.

As for the duels, I’ve come across a lot of shit, but these are almost like a bad joke. There's the “cue card” writing which is not only dull, but also doubles as confusing, since the characters do not announce the beginning and end of their turns, making it seem like they're trying to "out cheat" each other.

There's a total lack of originality in which every character plays the same kind of "beatdown" strategy. Nobody ever tries to stall and burn the opponent with effects, win by means of an alternate condition such as Destiny Board or anything beyond "call my biggest monster, pump its attack points and go for it", which is very convenient for the guy with the biggest stick.

The missplays are all over the place. And I'm not just talking about misreading the effects and breaking the rules. How many times Character A could have finished Character B, but instead chooses to end his/her turn for no adequately explained reason? How many times does Character B make a truly awful play so Character A can exploit it and take the advantage?

Last but not least, the duels are often so one-sided it's like watching an adult boxing a little kid. In this aspect, Burst--*barfs*--Stream is the worst of the bunch. Unlike that faggot Sean from "Greek Duelist", who just pulled overpowered shit from his ass to easily deal with everything his opponents threw at him, Barf Stream plays with a real-world, tournament-winning deck. As such, it does not contain the kind of "useless" cards the show gives to the characters in order to keep the suspense/promote the TCG. This makes his missplays far more noticeable and makes he look like an idiot when he struggles with something like Insect Queen or Fortress Whale and has to call heavyweights like Neo Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon and Galaxy-Eyes Tachyon Dragon to deal with them.

Anyway, I think this covers it. Feel free to add your two cents if you like.

See you next time, Space Duelist Humanized Pony Cowboy.

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Re: Yu-Gi-Oh! EQG

Post by GorillaGamer » Tue Jun 05, 2018 11:33 pm

Now that was one heck of a ride; Can't wait to see what you mock next.
Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
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Gorillagram only gets sexual stimulation from playing Pokemon Reborn and its derivatives.
A quote from Andrew himself

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