The Land Before Time Retold Mock

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The Land Before Time Retold Mock

Post by AwkwardFerret » Tue May 08, 2018 10:20 pm

So, any of you guys remember The Land Before Time? That decent Don Bluth movie with the fugly dinosaurs that got a billion sequels over the next thirty years for no particularly good reason, plus a TV show nobody watched? Have you ever imagined what would happen if a random, boring human girl got transported back in time to meet the cast and go on adventures with them? What? You don’t? Well, then, Elise Lowing might like a word with you, since she’s written a whole series based on that exact premise! Thrill as events proceed in largely the same way despite her presence! Marvel at narration so beige and bland that the surgeon general recommends it as a treatment for insomnia! Gasp as...uh...

Yeah, I can’t sell this, but I also don’t think I can do it alone. Thus, I leave it to my friend, ConcernedGamer, in a lovely seasonal orange!

Yes, ‘tis I. This mock is a bit of a foreign element for me, not only for the fact that this is my first fully shared mock, but for once I’m mocking something that doesn’t have sex scenes in it. Wait, this doesn’t have sex in it, right? Please tell me it doesn’t.

I’m, uh, pretty sure that’s a hard “no”.

Well that’s a relief. Anyway, Land Before Time Retold is seemingly your run-of-the-mill Mary Sue self-insert fanfic, unashamedly riding the canon railroad with a meaningless ‘original’ character wedged in edgewise. I consider it rather harmless, but that’s precisely what I need. Something not slathered in lust and pure ego-stroking wish-fulfilment through the lemons I’m encountering in my current mocks. And with Awkward Ferret inviting me to join up in taking this thing on, how could I say no? Let’s not dawdle anymore. Here’s The Land Before Time Retold - Chapter 1, Two Worlds.

*Chapter 1*: Chapter 1: Two Worlds
The Land Before Time Retold
Two Worlds
We all know the beloved stories of the Land Before Time.

All of us who look up fanfics for a 30 years old movie to find this trash, sure, you got us there, presumptuous dolt.

Hey, if they’re still making sequels, might as well, right?

How five young dinosaurs forged a friendship and braved the wilderness back to the ones they love. After that, they had many other adventures, made new friends, and learned life lessons.

A tv-series, 14 games, and just as many movies, of which the latest came out in 2016. The franchise oddly enough won’t follow the example set by the dinosaurs and go extinct.

But what if someone from our world managed to travel to theirs? How would a human interact in this world?

Use the dinosaurs as household appliances and drive in foot-powered cars?

And how would this story unfold if this human were with the Gang since day one? As a fan of the series, I decided to see how the outcome of the story would be if that really did happen.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Land Before Time Series; I am merely exploring an alternate story.

With that said, let's begin!


The rumble of the car on the gravel road jostled a teenaged girl named Aylene a little as she read her dinosaur guidebook.

The page she was currently reading was on a sauropod dinosaur called an Apatosaurus. For the longest time she thought it was called a Brontosaurus. That was until she learned that Brontosaurus was actually a synonym for Apatosaurus, not its scientific term.

Something that’s kind of inaccurate today, but maybe this guidebook is also trying to patch up the several million year gaps between all the characters’ species the movie ignored. I mean, practically none of them line up and we are as close to Ducky in years as Littlefoot is.

Did you know Cleopatra was born closer to the opening of Pizza Hut than the construction of the Great Pyramids? That’s not relevant, but it’s a lot more interesting than some random girl reading kiddie books about dinosaurs.

"That's interesting," she thought.

It was then that she felt a rather harsh nudge on her shoulder. The fourteen-year-old turned in the direction of the one pushing her with annoyance. She looked at her brother, who had a rather smug expression on his face.

Still fresh off his high from imagining pulling pigtails, her brother was ready to let the readers know that he was not supposed to be likeable.

"What is it, Derek?" she said, irritated.

"Just wondering how your book was coming," he replied impishly.

"Fine, why?"

"Being the "Dino Nerd" you are, I was just curious," he answered, still grinning.

I’m sorry, was that supposed to be a discrediting nickname? I would have worn that as a badge of honor. What kid doesn’t like dinosaurs?!

I dunno, man, ever since they started getting feathers they’ve kinda fallen out of fashion.

Aylene looked even more annoyed and hit her older brother slightly on the shoulder, causing him to flinch a bit.

"Hey, no fighting back there you two!" their dad said sternly from the driver's seat.
"Derek started it!" Aylene protested.

"Just get along until we get to your grandparents' house, okay?" their mother frowned.

“Once there, you can shank each other in the throat for all I care, these seats are brand new.”

"It's not that long now."

Aylene glared at her brother for a moment before going back to reading her book. Only now the enjoyment of it was gone after that rather nasty comment from Derek.

Glad to see you’ve got conviction in your interests, kid.

Let’s just hope next time he’ll insult her for breathing.

She closed the book and stared out the window with a sour expression.

What made it even worse was that it wasn't just her brother who gave her grief; nearly everyone at her school called her the "Dino Nerd" due to the fact she could spout out information on various species of dinosaurs.

Clearly she should have considered keeping a low profile when attending Creationist High.

Sure, it may impress the teachers, but it did nothing for her when it came to impressing her peers.

Because, as we all know, dinosaurs are lame. Garden slugs is where it’s at.

Why couldn't she just be allowed to be herself without anyone making fun of her? So what if she had a fascination of dinosaurs? They were interesting creatures. What was so bad about liking them?

You could end up writing self-insert fanfics with them on the Internet, for instance.

Fortunately for Aylene, it was Summer Vacation.

An important enough event to get capitalized. Or maybe we’ve been in Germany all along?

All she was hoping for was to spend a nice week at her grandparents' house: practicing archery, learning how to play the ocarina, and just relax to her heart's content.

Why yes, author, I would rather be reading a Zelda crossover than this, how did you know?

Meanwhile, in a world that was very different from the world of humans, a rainstorm struck the land.

It’’s the same world, isn’t it? I mean, yeah, there’s dinosaurs and more oxygen and shit, but fundamentally it’s still the same place.

The movie’s opening narration is pretty solid on it. This Earth, before everything else. Maybe this parallel dimension business is to dodge the feather issue. Or the author could just be clueless. Take your pick.

Out of the darkness, an egg-stealer crept silently in the reeds of a swamp near a herd of three long-necked dinosaurs that were currently resting.

In the nest near the tail of the youngest member were four eggs. Three of them were broken while only one remained intact.

This was a rather progressive commentary on abortions and planned parenthood for its time.

It slowly began to jiggle as the little creature inside of it struggled to break free.

The egg-stealer licked its chops with hungry anticipation. If the egg was about to hatch, that meant that he would have a fully developed hatching to feast on.

You’d think the development of the thing inside wouldn’t matter much, and would in fact have an inverse effect since random proteins are easier to process than sinew and bones and such, but you’d be wrong. I don’t know why you’re wrong, but you are.

Leaping from its place, the egg-stealer quickly grabbed the egg and attempted to escape.


The young female long-neck knocked the creature senseless with her head. The egg flew out of the egg-stealer's hands and fell down a nearby skeleton of a bigmouth.

It continued to roll down the decayed spine of another dead dinosaur until it flew off into a river raging with violent rapids. It rode the waves until it flew over a short waterfall.

By which time it had already been thoroughly ruined.

He rolled through death and wild rivers before he was even born. You’d think an origin story like that would produce something, I dunno, not disappointingly cutesy.

As the rain gradually began to cease, the egg hit the ground and bounced for several feet before falling into a group of other small dinosaurs, causing them to scatter away in surprise.

Suddenly, the egg cracked open, and a small tail appeared out of it. Then a leg kicked out from one side of the shell, followed immediately by the other leg kicking through on the opposite side. Soon, the rest of the shell broke apart to reveal a baby long-neck.

No way. I would never have guessed that a long-neck would come out of a long-neck egg.

The infant rolled over onto its rump and took in a breath of the new air. He smiled innocently and squeaked as he took in his new surroundings.

"Here I am," a loving voice said from above him.

“It’s me, Jesus!”

The hatchling looked up and saw three much larger long-necks. The one in the middle lowered its head and smiled at him.

Hello, character whose purpose was to die in this movie. Don Bluth seems to follow Disney’s example where parents are concerned, huh?

Suddenly becoming frightened, the baby long-neck fell backwards and tried to scramble away. He didn't get far before feeling a lick on his back. He curled up into a ball, hiding his face under his forepaws. When he felt another lick though, it wasn't threatening at all.

It had a feeling of love.

Oh, I’m a real big fan of where this is going…

The hatchling lifted his face and smiled. He instinctively realized that this massive creature was his mother. More and more tender licks came as he turned and looked up at the female long-neck. He returned them all by giving her a small lick on the nose.

As he reached up to hug this long-neck's face, various other types of creatures came out of their hiding places to see the new life that had just hatched.

Muppets, Gungans, whatever ALF was…

Might as well put a few Ewoks in there, since the author already thinks this is a place far, far away.

The baby long-neck turned his head and saw the strange creatures. He began to feel overwhelmed by the number of how many of them there were, and just how different they were.

The creatures all looked so peculiar. Some had strange flabs of skin coming from their arms and very long pointed mouths. When they walked, they seem to waddle on two legs.

Others crawled along the ground on all fours and had two very big eyes.

Frightened by the new faces, the little dinosaur retreated to behind his mother's leg.

"Oh, don't be frightened," the female long-neck gently said. "Come out."

“Of the closet. You’ve barely been alive for five minutes and it’s already the most obvious thing in the world. You homo.”

The long-neck hatchling peeked out from behind his mother's leg as the creatures began to crowd around. Some of them smiled at the little infant, as if feeling a sense of happiness as the new life nuzzled its mother's foot.

Doesn’t this Bambi moment kind of conflict with how Littlefoot is told everyone keeps to their own herd, and the never-before seen feat of the different kids coming together later?

The infant long-neck opened his mouth wide and yawned. As he looked at the creatures surrounding him, he jolted in surprise.

He retreated away from the group and stumbled over his own feet. Moving around on all fours still wasn't easy for the hatchling just yet.

He soon found that walking around on just his hindlegs was trivial, though. Weird, right?

The female long-neck giggled and gently grabbed her baby but the scruff, lifting him up into the air onto her back. He delightfully stomped around on his mother's back before sliding down into the base of her neck.

"Now, you be careful, my Littlefoot," she gently smiled.

And that’s the story of how he got the most embarrassing name since ‘Gaylord’.

Good one, ma’am, I’m sure your son is going to be a hit with all the dinosaur ladies with that name. Everyone knows what they say about dinosaurs with little feet.

Littlefoot yawned again as the two elder long-necks gazed down at their new grandson. The little hatchling looked up at his grandfather and squeaked in delight. The elder nuzzled his daughter lovingly as her child nestled into the folds of her skin.

I think we’ve just been treated to the first ever ‘Yo mama so fat’ joke in existence.

"Beautiful Littlefoot," she whispered as the hatchling long-neck drifted off to sleep in the safety of his loving family.

Back in the world of humans, about a hundred million years and half an hour later,

Aren’t atomic clocks these days amazing, folks?

Aylene and her family reached her grandparents' house. The two elders were waiting outside in the front yard. Their grandfather welcome his grandchildren with firm but loving hugs, while their grandmother kissed them on the forehead.

"Well, Aylene, you look prettier every time I see you," the said girl's grandmother smiled.

But Grandma, you’ve been blind for fifteen years.

"Thanks, Grandma." Aylene said, blushing slightly as she ran her fingers through her short brown hair.

"And look at you, Derek," the said boy's grandfather grinned. "I see you put some more muscle on you."

"Ah, just been working out at the gym is all." Derek answered with shrug.

“Now, Derek, be honest.”

“I’m a teenage boy off from school, so I spend all day jerking off.”

Introducing Bulk Slamchest in the role of Derek Lastname!

"Great to see you, Mom and Dad." Aylene's mother said as she hugged the elder man.

"Glad you could come and visit, Elinor." Aylene's grandfather said, hugging his daughter.

"And how have you been, Jonathan?" Aylene's grandmother asked the girl's father.

"I've been well, Elaine." Jonathan replied, smiling at his in-law.


"Well, I expect your all tired from your journey," Elaine said kindly, "but first, Richard and I would like to present you with your gifts."

"Oh Mom, you didn't have to get us anything." Elinor replied, shaking her head slightly at the older woman.

"That's what I said." Richard laughed. "But your mother insisted on it. She wanted to keep the tradition."

“I only managed to talk her down to two goat sacrifices this time.”

Elaine gave her husband a small playful glare before gesturing toward the front door of the house. "Please, this way."

“Into the room that says ‘Sexual Torture Dungeon’?”

“No, the one that says ‘Crematorium’.”

Elaine guided the family into house and into the living room. Once everyone had been seated, the elder woman passed out four individual gifts.

Aylene was given a small golden colored box with a green ribbon tied around it. She carefully undid the ribbon and opened the box. Inside was a dark green stone on a metal neck chain that looked rather worn, but was still intact.

Grandma finally entrusts the family heirloom to Aylene, so that she may one day kill Superman.

Well, at least now we know why Grandma went blind!

Aylene gave a huge smile. She picked up the necklace and held it in her hand for a while. It was such a simple thing, but she loved it.

"Thanks, Grandma and Grandpa!" she said, slipping the necklace around her neck.

"Glad you like it, Aylene." Richard answered, nodding.

Aylene looked up and saw what the rest of her family had received.

Their boxes had been made from recycled cardboard and tinfoil, just to hammer in who the Mary Sue in this story was.

Her mother was given a set of small golden rings. Her father had received a watch and chain. Derek got a new hunting knife.

He immediately slayed everybody except Aylene to measure his abilities and leave a witness to his carnage.

"Thank you for the gifts." Elinor gratefully nodded.

"You're welcome, my dear." Elaine answered, smiling.

After the gift exchange, Aylene and her family took their suitcases up to their rooms.

Aylene smiled as she opened the door to her room. It was a bluish beige color

So, Smurf vomit?

I’m trying to imagine that color but my brain refuses to conceptualize something so ugly.

with a twin bed against the wall on the opposite side. In one corner was a dresser with a mirror on it and there were two sliding doors on the far side of the room that led into the closet.

The girl took a moment to look around the room before lugging the heavy suitcase inside it.

When Aylene finally got the suitcase shoved into a corner of the room, she flopped down on the bed, letting out a huge sigh and staring up at the ceiling.

Well, that’s your fault for packing all that neutronium.

After a long road trip, and with her brother teasing her most of the time, it was nice to finally have some space to herself. She absentmindedly touched the stone around her neck and stroked it with her thumb.

It had a very smooth texture, yet it wasn't completely flat. It had a few ridges that were pretty subtle, but she could defiantly see small shapes when she tilted it in the light.

She didn’t want to see the shapes, but she did.

She’s all alone stroking an object with a smooth texture and subtle ridges. Come on, you’re all thinking it, too. A güiro.

Its primary color was dark olive green, but it also had small black specks coating it.

"I'm glad you like your present."

Aylene looked over when she heard the voice and saw her grandmother standing in the doorway.
"Yeah," Aylene said. "Thanks again, Grandma."

"You know, that necklace was mine when I was your age." Elaine said.

"Really?" Aylene asked.

“No shit, who else did you think it belonged to, the Pope?”

"Yes," her grandmother nodded, "it was…my treasure for a long time but I felt…let's just say that it may benefit you in some way."

I think Grandma gave Aylene her JO crystal.

Aylene sat up and stared at her grandmother with subtle curiosity.

"Dinner will be served soon." Elaine said, immediately turning away. "I'm making tilapia with fried rice."

Before Aylene could ask anything, Elaine left to go back downstairs. Aylene was left pondering over the question of what her grandmother could've meant by the stone "benefiting" her in some way.

I mean, who won’t benefit from travelling to a dimension without modern benefits, safety and no humans to interact with? As far as world-jumping goes, at least in a post-apocalypse I can hope to still use a toilet bowl.

Speaking ambiguously wasn't uncommon for Elaine to do, but this particular phrase stood out in Aylene's mind for some reason.

And that reason is called the death of subtlety.

Well, that should just about cover the first, astonishingly boring chapter! What will become of our heroine next time when she discovers the power of her gift? Will things finally actually happen? Will ConcernedGamer and I be able to stay awake long enough to see it? Come aboard and find out!
[Under Construction]

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