Inside Falls

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GorillaGamer
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Re: Inside Falls

Post by GorillaGamer » Fri Jan 18, 2019 9:26 am

While this mock is mockable to me, it's wearing me a bit thin. I think I'll occasionally interchange this project with looking over my older mocks for any new chapters since I dealt with them. If any of them happen to be on this forum, they'll be updated, but otherwise my efforts will be for my Wordpress page only.
I understand how you feel; there are times where I struggle to come up with jokes and witty commentary for my mock of Divine Conspiracy. Best thing to do is to put it on hold for a few days or so, and you'll feel more refreshed when you get back to it.
Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
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Gorillagram only gets sexual stimulation from playing Pokemon Reborn and its derivatives.
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ConcernedGamer
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Re: Inside Falls

Post by ConcernedGamer » Sat Mar 02, 2019 12:55 pm

GorillaGamer wrote:
Fri Jan 18, 2019 9:26 am
I understand how you feel; there are times where I struggle to come up with jokes and witty commentary for my mock of Divine Conspiracy. Best thing to do is to put it on hold for a few days or so, and you'll feel more refreshed when you get back to it.
Well, true to your word, I did feel refreshed when I got back to mocking this, GorillaGamer. Now, not so much, but I'm still going strong. I'll probably do another chapter right after this one, but it will take time, considering how wordy these chapters are turning out. I had to split this chapter's mock into two post as well.

I know now a better way to address this fanfic to point out how it's not an AU. The term means Alternate Universe, taking the canon and making it divert, seeing how it plays out if things took a different turn, if the cast had different characters with new influence on the plot. Now, as it doesn't bear repeating, you and I know this thing is not an AU. It's a PU, and while I just realized saying that out loud only makes it more poignant, what I mean to say is that it's a Parallel Universe, with a focus on the parallel part. This story takes place in a bizarre, separate reality that's a warped mirror image, where despite having had no reason to do so or continue to do so, everything turns out the same as it does in the dimension we know and would rather stick with. In a PU fanfic, Batman lives out the entire life and actions of Serverus Snape without a change. In a PU fanfic, Commander Shepard still becomes a Spectre with stock backstory choices, despite aliens having visited Earth a hundred years ahead of time and all humans are Care Bears. In a PU fanfic, the events of Gravity Falls repeats scene for scene despite everyone in them are acting and appearing as something else or the direct opposite. Let's get to the laughs instead of being stuck in my rant, shall we? Here's Chapter 6, Many Charas.

On that Crystal Shack's sunset,the kind-of-too-young employers,Asriel and Lapis,were working for a party that would happen inside the shack.

Kind-of-too-young? Teenagers can earn wages, and Asriel is replacing an adult, author, you dummy.

Pearl was analyzing to see if the employers were doing a good job. While it,Chara and Frisk were sitting on a couch,with Frisk wearing a light gray jumper with a little cloud on the center,and a neck bow of light gray color.

"F-frisk...I'm feeling kinda sick...",Chara said,faking out a illness.

Already eating Buttercup flowers, I see.

She made a barfing pose and sprayed a colorful string at Frisk.

"Grauntie Pearl,you gave us bad food!",Frisk said,also faking feeling ill. She retributed the favor,spraying colorful string at Chara.

The twins briefly sprayed more colorful strings on themselves,sharing endless laughter and fake barfing noises. However,Pearl was far from being amused at their behavior.

Her attempts at perfecting her butterscotch-arsenic pie recipe had failed yet again.

"Guys! Help me! Something terrible is going on!",Lapis ran towards the Dreemurr twins,sounding afraid and scared.

At first,Chara and Frisk misunderstood it was something serious...but Lapis sprayed colorful strings faking it was barfing,and the three shared alot of laughter. Frisk threw upwards some snow white confetti to the air,and some of it even felt on Pearl's head. Pearl had enough,

She had killed a lot of monsters to get the ashes for that confetti, after all.

but at the same time,she didn't want to sound too strict,so she snatched the confetti and spray bottles gently.

"Sorry,but we can't waste away those things.",Pearl said in a strictly mother tone.

"Ms. Dreemurr,is this the birthday of someone?",Asriel asked. He was hanging up the colorful flags with the aid of stairs.

"Actually...no.",Pearl answered,approaching of Asriel.

"Last time I attended a birthday, it involved pie, a clown wig, and someone almost dying of old age, and I'm not going through that again."

"But I want to do something nice for the children.",Pearl continued with a motherly smile,as she opened a 'Pin-the-tail-on-the-Horse' on the game and showed it to Asriel.

"Cool!",Asriel happily said,his eyes sparkling of happiness.

"All the children will have fun here!",Pearl proudly cheered.

Now you are just confusing me, author. You've gone out of your way to paint Pearl as having the same motives as Stan, and now you have the money-hungry con-woman be generous out of the goodness of her heart?

Chara poured some orange soda to herself and,afterwards,to her little sister Frisk.

"I hope the kiddos get off they can't go to the Crystal Shack.",Chara commented,kind of bitterly,as she poured soda for Frisk.

You see, the kids typically go to the playgrounds to get off, also - where the fuck do you get your English lessons, author, at a brothel?!

"You should copy the flyers for me!",Pearl said. Then,Chara felt something hit off her head,and she moaned in pain,scratching the place that was affected. Frisk picked up the thing that hitted Chara's head: a flyer about the party on the Crystal Shack.

"Oh...we go to the copier store.",Frisk said in a calm-and-happy voice.

"They got everything,and they have everything on the copier store!",Asriel said,as he walked to the twins and made motions with his hands and arms. "Actually,they don't have a slogan. But this phrase would be a cool slogan!"

Yeah, it's such a good slogan that it promises to have everything, like the secret to eternal life, the other mystery books Chara still doesn't know exist, or maybe even a How To Make Slogans For Dummies that you could use, author.

"I actually have a copier on my office. And it is brand newly fixed!",Pearl explained for Asriel,Frisk and Chara.

~~

Chara and Frisk found their way to Pearl's office. Then,they removed the sheet above the copier machine. The copier machine was actually...extremely old. It didn't look like it was fixed: it looked extremely smashed and old.

Say 'extremely' a few more times, dude, it paints such a perfect picture of all the details you don't bother to mention.

And some spiders crawled out of it once it was uncovered.

"Aww.",Frisk said. It was amazing how she managed to love all the kinds of animals,even insects and arachnids that most of the society saw as annoying pests or dangerous pests.

Which is really surprising, seeing that society seems to have embraced monster goats and living skeletons just fine.

With little difficulty,Chara lifted up the lid. It had a simple,rectangle-shaped space for the object to be copied be inserted in,and nothing of special.

"Lets hope it works.",Chara said,actually not feeling hopeful about the machine's capacity.

Chara pressed a button and,just for a test,decided to put her right hand inside it. She pulled her right sleeve and rested her right hand on the rectangle-shaped space. An orange light shined as her arm was scanned up. Out of the other side,came a paper copy of Chara's hand.

Because if she had decided to test it accidentally like in the canon, she would have ended up copying her butt instead, of course.

"It worked!",Frisk said happily,as she picked the paper.

However,the paper began to oddly vibrate. Frisk squeaked and dropped it in fear,going to Chara's back. Suddenly,Chara's hand came to life.

The vibrating paper, Frisk, and the rest of Chara's shambling corpse didn't know how to deal with this.

It had a duller color than Chara's real skin,and to make it even creepier,it began to get up in it's fingers to walk towards the two.

"Leave it to me.",Chara said,as she picked Frisk's orange soda.

Oh yeah, I'm sure Chara already knows all of Thing's weaknesses after watching the Addams Family.

Before the hand could approach them,Chara stepped hard on it,making it briefly immobile. Then,she threw the orange soda at the hand,making it burn and desintregate like a plastic object on fire.

Image

It's moistened paper, author, you moron! Why are you like this? Why do you obnoxiously write things as the opposite of everything it's supposed to be and do, and then not even follow through or bear the consequence of the decision? With this it was just as valid had you said it glowed green, turned into a scale model of the Eiffel Tower, and then flew off to the sounds of bird calls, because it has the same amount of justification and logic you've managed to produce thus far!!

"...Woah. Frisk,I think this machine can copy the humans!",Chara said,staring amazed at the hand,that was now just a pile of black dust.

"W-what this means?",Frisk asked to Chara.

Pearl is enough of a cheap skate to get her printing paper from the sodium factory?

The two briefly paused...and Chara slightly teased Frisk by spraying a little of colorful string on her.

I am seriously considering making a counter for every mishandled Gravity Falls joke setup and execution that the author attempts to substitute. The only problem is that it would be every single one on the show.

---

Chara and Asriel soon reunited with Asriel and Lapis,at the request of Pearl.

Frisk had decided not to come, since Pearl had summoned Asriel twice.

"Okay,all the party people...and kind off my family...I'll decide the roles. Asriel,you'll be playing the DJ because I'm merciful to you and because the work is for free.",Pearl spoke.

Mercy! Because Undertale. It's a word reference, guys! The more forced it is, the better, am I right?!

"I won't make you regret this choice,Ms. Dreemurr!",Asriel happily said,inserting headphones on his head with a toothy smile.

"I hope not...Lapis and Frisk,you two work on the ticket stand.",Pearl continued.

"B-but Grauntie Pearl...I could try to make real friends this time!",Frisk said in a indignified and sad tone,remembering about the failed and disastrous attempts of friendship on the past.

"Didn't you get me a friend with literally no effort just a few days ago?"

Chara understood Frisk's sadness and decided that,for her sake,she would try and switch roles with her.

"I can work with Lapis.",Chara said for Pearl.

"Well,if you really want that,you must know about something: you can't get out of the ticket stand. It will be you two the whole night.",Pearl said,not believing Chara was one hundred percent willing to share the role with Lapis.

On account of her terrible flatulence jokes, of course.

Chara decided to reflect a little,but she accidentaly looked at Lapis,who was spraying Asriel's ears with colorful string,and laughing.

Because when looking towards a person that is the topic of conversation, of course it's accidental, otherwise it would just imply desire or something.

"I will do that.",Chara said to Pearl,ready to do anything to impress Lapis and,at the same time,let Frisk be free.

~~

Chara was at her's and Frisks room,in-front of the mirror,adjusting a red headband on her head,that she would use instead of the yellow buttercup hat on that night. She turned to get the spray and use it,and surprisingly,she saw Frisk there.

I'm already getting a migraine warning with how the track record for this platonic-but-act-like-canon-love nonsense that the author has her Dipper-replacement do. This scene was used for Mabel to hammer in how obviously head over heels with Wendy Dipper is, and decry his list-making used to impress her. There are more episodes than this one with the plot solely revolving around how Dipper wants to get with Wendy, and every time it will be copied into this fanfic with a shot for shot reshoot in the author's Friend Zone Universe.

"WOAH!...Hm?",Chara said in a surprised voice,turning around to see her sister better.

"Greetings!",Frisk happily greeted with a innocent smile. Chara raised a confused eyebrow but just shrugged it off as Frisk being her very friendly self.

"I'll impress Lapis tonight,and you'll have the perfect set to see,sis.",Chara said in a slightly cocky voice,putting her hands on her hips.

Yeah, I'm sure selling tickets together to impress her will totally top that time you faced off against ghosts.

"...Chara? You're not thinking on weird plans,right?",Frisk asked,now feeling suspicious that Chara was being carried away by her brain.

"Pfft,it is as easy as cinnamon pie.",Chara scoffed off,as she unfolded a paper that showed a list. Despite her own words,Chara's list was long,with eleven steps.

Strangely enough, most of the steps just says 'Think of her as a friend'.

"Nothing will stop me if I follow all of those steps,one by one. Perhaps she'll even dance with me!"

"C-chara,you are sounding a bit too romantic here. And besides...where's the step that you should use to talk like a normal person?",Frisk asked,now really feeling that her sister was oddly sounding like she was in undeniable love instead of feeling desired to impress a older-sister figure.

Author, this is pissing me off with this being either an obnoxious 'it's friendship but I have to reuse dialogue' shtick, or you going for a 'is it just friendship or actually love' shtick, because neither one is how any of this works in fiction. We know through the narrative, explicitly stated so that Chara is not romantically interested in Wendy. Having Frisk keep insisting on the opposite is grating and more than a little bit problematic, seeing as she dumped Peridot for less.

Chara pointed to the 7th step,'Talk like a normal person',with a large and toothy smile on her face.

Step 8 says to kill everyone, but I think with this author's talents, she won't get past Step 1.

Frisk just sighed in deception.

Case in point.

---

The party just had began. Asriel was actually doing a good job on mixing the introduction of the song,and the disco ball was giving alot of colors for the room. Frisk was watching the room over a little balcony. She was now wearing a orange and purple hippie outfit,blue sneakers,and magenta earrings with that weird symbol of an X above a O.

What the author fails to describe is a circle with an 'x' overlain on it. I still don't get what's so special about this visual presentation on how to slice a pizza, but whatever.

Pearl approached Frisk. She was also wearing a party-appropriate outfit,slightly resembling a ballerina.

Because slapping on the already done to death, basic bankrupt impression of Pearl's starting mannerisms and character in this fanfic, that truly describes a party outfit, of course. You could even have made a nod at her actual form changes in the show to please your readers instead, author, what is wrong with you?

"You look vey bright. Like me!",Pearl said for Frisk,putting her arms on the hedge of the balcony.

"Sapping and sparkling-ing! Sapping...uh...",Asriel tried to sing,but he got 'locked up',and tried to reverse the song back to some seconds to try again.

I'm sorry, I wasn't hit on the head by a brick today, was I supposed to laugh at how you don't know what it means for a DJ to scratch a record, author?

...He was really locked up,since he repeated the same word two times.

~~

Chara and Lapis were outside,busy with the ticket station. ...Busy enough to not notice out the fact that Aqua and Scott were wanting to get out of the party,beating on the window.

I guess the exit fee, that Stan would have been charging had he been here, was just reinforced by how much Pearl wanted kids to have fun tonight.

Lapis was also wearing a headband,and not using her purple hat.

You know, the hat that was never mentioned up until now.

"Step one...casual food question.",Chara said to herself,preparing up to follow the big list and impress out Lapis. "LAPIS I GOT A-...question for you. What kind of food you like?"

"Fish?...but gee,I can't choose which fish.",Lapis answered for Chara in the best way she could.

"Well,me too as...*COUGH!*",Chara said,her phrase interrupted by alot of coughing. She quickly looked at the list,trying to find the next step. Lapis was now genuinely confused.

Can't really blame her, when the author can't even replicate Dipper's fuckup of saying "No way, mine too.", when asking Wendy about snack food choices and Wendy replying that you couldn't pick just one. There was no fuckup here, aside from the proverbial fish-out-of-water author, who can't even reason why Chara has a coughing fit so that the canon-parallels proceed unaffected!!

~~

"Woo woo! Just dance,and chill~",Frisk said,as she danced over the step floor.

Then she stepped over the dance floor.

Eventually,she tired out and decided to rest over a chair. She opened a water bottle and drinked from it,and just then,she noticed two girls who were sitting on chairs near her.

Oh dear, more crossover characters have been put on the sacrificial alter, here we go.

One of them was a chubby and slighly short girl of South American style with full lips,and brown hair with lavender colors on the tips. She had a amethyst gemstone necklace,black shirt,white shorts,dark lavender long socks with a star over it,and violet sneakers.

Hello Human AU Amethyst replacing Grenda. Can you tell me why no Human AU character can figure out how to dye their hair all the way through?

The other one was a slightly taller and slimmer girl of Indian-like style,

They are people, author, not action figures. I don't go around describing Dave Chapelle as an African-style person!

with a white and mint green dress,peach sneakers with white socks,and magenta glasses. Her hair was puffy,and dark brown,with her skin being just slightly brighter than her hair color.

And Connie Maheswaren from Steven Universe, conclusively needing to be as a version from before she even entered the show and met the titular character and learnt about magic. Can I keep repeating how pointless it is to include crossover characters that haven't even been shaped by their own universe, or am I the only one who thinks this author needs to supply me with new material?

After paying attention a little bit more,she discovered there was a little brown cat resting on the chubby girl's shoulder.

"Aww! You love felines like me! Well,greetings,I am Frisk.",Frisk said,happy about seeing a animal,and curious to know about those girls.

"Sup,I am Amethyst.",the chubby girl replied,in a laid-back and slightly older voice.

It was ancient in fact, having stolen it from McGaster's test tube stand.

Frisk thought that it was curious,but beautiful name. "That one is Connie.",she continued,motioning towards the brown girl.

'That one', huh? Should I start to question these subtle racist undertones?

Connie waved to Frisk with one hand,as the other hand was holding up a book with a crimson colored cover.

"What is this book about?",Frisk asked,curious about the book.

"It is a book of mystery and adventure.",Connie answered with a smile,showing the cover better for Frisk.

If you could perhaps describe the cover in detail to your readers, maybe you'd earn more than rounded down half points for references that go nowhere, author. And if it's the first book she was ever shown with, that was Catcher in the Rye.

The cat that was on Amethyst's shoulder bitted some of the popcorn from her bowl,and both Amethyst and Connie laughed together. Frisk couldn't believe it: she finally found out friends that weren't mythical villains,or toxic friends.

"...I found real friends.",Frisk said,feeling finally realized and really happy.

Fuck you, author. Not even Mabel confirmed friendship this quickly, and Frisk here knew Peridot longer before she could tell. You write these bland cardboard cutouts as idiots and crazies, just to have your little friendship pow-wow whenever convenient, which as far as I can tell is just window dressing and filler so you can excuse and balance out Chara's violence tantrums.

"Attention!",Asriel's voice ringed out,catching the attention of the three girls. "The one who most...party hard?,and have the most applauses this night,will have the crown of the party!",he continued,holding a golden crown with sapphire crystals over it.

"Woah!",Amethyst and Connie said,looking amazed at the crown.

However,a nasty surprise for Amethyst and Connie,that was a curious surprise for Frisk,appeared: three girls approached Asriel's stand.

Another crossover character, how curious and nasty.

The most featured one was a blonde girl,even taller than Connie.

Dude, come on, you are hurting the backdrop characters' feelings.

The blonde's hair was curly,she had lavender eyes,a red cloth over her arms,and a outfit of peach and white color that looked like a princess. She was using a fluffly,peach colored handheld fan.

Image

Could you perhaps tone it the fuck down with dumping whoever this is straight from the source material you stole her from, and pretend that she's actually supposed to be a rich girl going to a common party in the twenty first century, author?

"Crown of the party! I want this,thank you.",the blonde said for Asriel. She had a slightly annoying japanese accent.

"Who is her?",Frisk asked,raising a eyebrow,and wondering how almost all of the youngsters of the town with japanese knowledge or ancestry were evil.

Scratch that, stop being racist first. Yeah, I said it. You're two lines away from having Inside Falls equipped with a stereotypical China Town, because the Oriental Ruins were bad enough as it was. What even possessed you to remark on your own Asian splurging this way? How is it even relevant, or remotely plausible to conclude this? Frisk doesn't know whoever this is yet, and she's already labelled her Evil?! I already knew you couldn't handle complex characters and nuance, but fuck me, I didn't realize that extended into your characters too!!

"The most known girl on the town,Etoile Rosenqueen.",Connie explained,feeling a cold fear on her spine.

Who?

Image

Some spoiled, rich girl from the Marl Kingdom series, being the version from the first game that was released in 2000, for the first PlayStation console. Author, I have mocked fanfics of obscure as fuck elements, where I made sure to elaborate to anyone who happened to not be a fan reading what I was commenting on, and here you decided to mix in a character from a franchise twelve years older than the only other source materials you actually bothered advertised to be involved in this fanfic! You can't even use your own impressions of these characters to your undeserved advantage in writing your story, if one needs to be Wikipedia incarnate to even have a chance at knowing half of these people, much less guess how they'd interact, had it not been blatantly obvious you aren't writing anything but an episode transcript meant for no one to enjoy!!

"She makes me feel kinda worthless...",Amethyst added,holding her right arm with her left hand and looking down with a nervous face.

"Oh golly...sorry,but only the winner of the competition can have it.",Asriel said,feeling nervous and confused,as he clutched the crown to far from Etoile's reach.

"...Oooooh-ho-ho-ho-hoooh!",Etoile laughed,putting her handheld fan on her belt and picking up the microphone of the table.

Excuse me, author, but evil Japanese laughs are supposed to go "Fu-fu-fu", get your racist weeb stereotyping right.

"Who will dare to compete agains't me? Book lady? Cat girl? Oh-hoh-hoooh!",Etoile taunted,laughing even more.

"Oh gee,Connie...",Amethyst said,feeling more afraid. She hugged Connie and the latter hugged back.

"We don't belong to this universe!",Connie said as she hugged back,even more afraid than Amethyst.

I don't even want to believe you had the cheek or wit for self-referential humor, author, because that statement is a detrimental fact to everything about your fanfic, which of course means that even if it was intentional, you thought it wasn't.

Frisk felt pity for them both,and she tried to think about a solution to make them happy. ...The first idea,that sounded risky but most obvious,was try to defeat Etoile on the partying contest. She calmly walked to Asriel's table with a calm smile.

"Hey,I'll compete here.",Frisk calmly said,snatching gasps from her two new friends. Then,she turned around to Etoile's direction to present herself. "Greetings. I am Frisk."

"This doesn't sound like a real name!",Etoile said in a surprised tone.

Oh, if only this author knew what meta humor was.

"I'll make you regret scaring them.",Frisk said in a tranquil fury,crossing her arms with a brave and determined expression.

"Alright! Let the better one win.",Etoile tauntingly said,as she walked away with her group of friends.

You know, the less featured ones.

"Don't worry guys,I'll bring her down!",Frisk happily said to her friends in a reasurring way. She would do her best for them.

~~

"Woah,the party is going wild!",Lapis impressedly said,looking at the colored window to the inside room of the Crystal Shack.

"Let the crown of the party's fight kick in!",Asriel excitedly announced,as Frisk used her hip and hand dance moves in the best way she could. "Frisk is kicking in her determination! Etoile must be careful if she really want to win!"

She'll also have to transform into a different crossover character who isn't wearing a ball gown.

"I must go there!",Lapis concluded,as she and Chara looked at the window. "You will cover the station?",she asked to Chara.

"Y...es?",Chara answered,unsure if she should,or could really do that.

"Thanks ma'am.",Lapis thanked,as she jumped over the diamond-shaped hole on the window and danced with extreme joy,feeling the spirit of the party over her being.

Chara was extremely distracted and sad,and almost forgot that there was people waiting to recieve a ticket.

And now Chara has to inexplicably feel mopey in order for the plot to continue. Do you have a single original bone in your body, author?

"I'll come back soon!",Chara warned to the crowd,throwing the ticket box at the crowd and running away. "Pearl won't notice if I am out of the ticket stand or not...right?",Chara said to herself,as she tried to sneak to the entrance door. Unfortunately,she was discovered by Pearl,who was crossing her arms and stomping her right foot angrily.

"Chara,please don't. You promised.",Pearl said in a scolding tone.

Who cares what she promised, she just threw the tickets to the crowd!

"...Oh...I did.",Chara remembered,walking back to the ticket stand,crestfallen. She looked at the window,looking at Lapis dancing,and sighed in sadness. "I just wished I could be in two places at the same time...",Chara said to herself.

And I wish this author would write a better fanfic, but oh well, be careful what you wish for, whatever.

Then,something startled on her mind as she remembered something.

...The copy machine!

~~

Chara herself wasn't sure if it was the greatest idea ever,but nevertheless,she wanted to at least try. She laid on the table of the copy machine,pressed the button and patiently waited as she was scanned by the orange light.

From the other side,came out the first complete Chara clone. The paper vibrated and the clone got up,out of it. It was exactly like her,only with a duller color pallet,and oddly,wearing the buttercup hat,unlike the real Chara.

Which of course makes no fucking sense at all, but it's not like the author cares that she goes out of her way to shit on the involved fandom, just to act like she isn't copying everything from it and pretending it's not the same. Did this story just use the copier as a metaphor for itself?

"Hmm...my blush stickers are really big."

I'll punch you in blush sticker, author. Which I can't, because it's a TROPE NAME meant to address a character drawing style! Stop learning English off of TV-Tropes!

,Chara commented,as she looked at her clone,and climbed down. She and her clone stared at each other for a awkward time.

"So,well,heheh. Your first,ma'am.",Chara said. And the clone said as well. The two actually spoke at the same time.

It's called speaking in unison, author, and no language on Earth demands you use three sentences to describe the phenomenon, you illiterate hack.

"Hey,stop with those copycats! Hahahaha!",Chara and the clone said together,and began to laugh.

"I'll name you...Number Two.",Chara said,as she writted the number 2 on her clone's hat.

"...Nah,I didn't like it. I prefer...",'Number 2' said,not really liking her name,that sounded more like a codname.

"...Deux?",

Douche it is, because the number two in French of course sounds even less like a codename, you absolute moron!

Chara and 'Number 2',now clearly renamed as Deux,said together. The two nodded in agreement.

"Okay Deux,lets kick up the show. You'll cover me for the ticket stand,I will dance with Lapis.",Chara said,ready to really kick up her step list.

"I already know the plan.",Deux said with a smirk,as she pulled a dull copy of the same list Chara had written.

"Wait...are you one hundred percent sure I can trust you?",

How about you keep going until clone Soixante Six and find out?

Chara asked,now feeling nervous that Deux would betray her,like many clones from some movies she watched in the past.

"Pfft,Chara,you are talking with you!

Yeah, that's what has the little sociopathic troll concerned.

And besides,you can eradicate me with water.",Deux said,snapping her fingers.

Chara chuckled nervously,but soon,she returned the motion,snapping her finger and chuckling more freely alongside Deux.

---

Breaking this post in half here because it reached more than 60000 characters.

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ConcernedGamer
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Re: Inside Falls

Post by ConcernedGamer » Sat Mar 02, 2019 12:58 pm

Continuing Chapter 7.

Chara and Deux thumbed up,before Deux began to distribute the tickets rightly,and Chara went to Lapis,to ask to dance with her.

I've already wasted my Murder Dance reference in an earlier chapter, so instead I'm going to lament my ire at this being a Human AU Steven Universe crossover, instead of something that could actually be interesting.

"Hey Lapis! I got someone to cover the ticket stand for both of us.",Chara explained,joining the dance with Lapis.

"Cool! If you want,you can hang out with me and Jasper.",Lapis said,also feeling happy,as she pointed to Jasper,who was holding up the guitar.

But Chara wasn't really happy. Jasper...she would screw up everything for her!

Yeah, she'll totally screw up how you just want to be an impressive friend, of course, and let's not even go into all the ways the author will write her to be friends with Lapis in this fanfic.

"Hey Jasper. You remember Chara from the shopping,right?",Lapis asked,remembering about the experience the three shared on the shopping cursed by the four colorful ghosts.

"Sorry,no.",Jasper said,clearly wishing to deny Chara's presence. "Hey,listen to that.",she continued,as she played up the guitar for Lapis.

Chara gasped,and she projected a fantasy about her idol,Lapis,rejecting her for such a strong but 'stupid' girl.

Let's talk about projections for a bit, granting the author a tentative benefit of the doubt that these were actual thoughts attempted to being conveyed, because it's all over the place right here. First of all, strength was translated as a quality Lapis of course would prefer, where never once was Jasper ever granted anything to describe her reliance on muscles, whereas in fact Chara trumped her in busting down a mall door. Second, never once has Jasper been portrayed as having less intelligence than anyone else. In fact, the author hasn't even managed to deliver half of the negatively laced impressions for Jasper, instead relying on the memory of Robbie. Half the time Jasper has come across as concerned, because sarcasm or hostile tones were not being used to describe her dialogue. And all of this projecting, the ham-fisted twisting of my suspension of disbelief intended to cement the 'Jasper-Buff-And-Dumb-Chara-Must-Impress-Wendy' melodrama, was set off by Jasper following the canon Robbie move of pulling out a guitar!! Did any of this even get filtered through a brain before being posted online?

She only woke up from her fantasy when she felt the phone on her pocket vibrating,and she picked it up.

"Greetings,its me,Dex. I also had a fantasy of jealously.",Deux's voice called out from the other side.

"We must eliminate Jasper from the path,or all the plan will crash down!",Chara said for Deux,before listening to Lapis calling to follow her and Jasper to sit on a couch. "Oh god,they'll sit on a couch! ...Hmm...I think I got a idea!"

Should I pretend it's not going to be stealing her bike, because the author didn't bother establish it either, or can I just keep mocking with my eyes closed?

"Same,but we'll need some extra aid.",Deux agreed. Since she was Chara as well.

Just remember that even if there are more of you, that doesn't add to your two-dimensional character.

~~

Chara and Deux meeted themselves on the copy machine room,and Chara made another clone,numbering her hat with the number three.

"That is the part where you'll come,Trois.",Chara explained for the new clone.

"I'll be a bit damned...if Jasper punches me.",

Expecting physical retaliation for having her property stolen? That's only another reason to demonize this innocent character, right, author?

Trois said nervously,thinking on how it would be painful to recieve a punch on the face by Jasper.

"Yeah,she is tough.",Deux agreed,sharing Trois's conscience.

"Well,a fourth one will be needed.",

That way, both her fists will be occupied.

Chara also agreed,as she laid on the table of the copy machine room to make another clone of herself.

Unfortunately,the machine jammed widly. Deux pulled the paper out of it,and out of the paper,came another Chara clone. Unfortunately,the jam from the machine made this clone come all wrong,and deformed,in a paper style.

Origami just isnt what it used to be.

The Deformed Chara clone tackled Deux and hissed distorted noises.

"Oh my god! Is she okay?",Trois asked,feeling rather exaggerately worried about the Deformed Chara.

"I don't know. Shhhh,its okay little bud...",Deux answered Trois and comforted the Deformed Chara,who replied with more distorted grunts and roars.

"*sigh*...its gonna take a while...",Chara bitterly commented with herself.

Yeah, tell me about it. The previous scene marked the half-way point for this droll chapter.

---

The contest reached to its point: it was the time to sing. Etoile was the first one to go to stage,grabbing the microphone and preparing to sing.

🎵A dream...always.. .

BECOOOOOMES!

Reality. 🎵



The singing was so loud that one of the plastic cups managed to be destroyed because of the voice intensity.

And broken joke meets immovable stupidity yet again, as the author wants to have a reality where we are to expect things to shatter at a shrill 'O'.

Frisk looked amazed,while Amethyst and Connie began to lose hope.

"I really wanted that my voice could be great...",Amethyst said,stunned and with hope slipping as she spoke.

And already the author has lost me on Amethyst temping as Grenda, by now spinning her self-worth issues to stick to paralagary - plagiarizing the parallel reality - and let this character worry about her voice, when she originates from a universe where everyone can fucking sing.

"Oh golly...Etoile is one step ahead!",Asriel commented,surprised about Etoile's performance...and with his ears inside hurting a little.

"Try to beat the center of the attention!",Etoile challenged Frisk,handing the microphone to her and turning her head to Amethyst. "And also,Amethyst,your voice is too tomboyish to sing."

"I would AMBUSH you!",Amethyst angrily said,clenching her fists.

Image

Because using referential, one-off dialogue in a different context is truly how you recapture and emulate a particular spark from the source material, in order to make readers enjoy the crammed, incompatible, Frankenstein-esque pet-project of an amateur writer who has never read a book in English.

But before this could really happen,Connie stopped her by putting her hand on her left shoulder.

"Its not our end yet,my friends! Watch this.",Frisk said in a hopeful,leaderful tone,and ran to the stage. "Azzy! Bring up the most wild song you have on CD!",she said to Asriel.

No, Frisk, you can't, you know that the Leva's Polka is forbidden!

Asriel picked up the CD from a music called 'Don't Stop Me Here',and inserted it on the CD player. Frisk took a deep breath,and focused out. She bringed the microphone to her mouth and danced widly as she sang wildly as well.

And she thought wildly, and she looked wildly, and she swallowed wildly, and it was so wildly guys.

🎵DON'T,stop me HEEERE! I won't have a bad time,

I'll have a ball of fun!

DON'T,stop me HEEERE! I wanna have a good time,

For me and you!

DON'T stop me,cause I'm having wild fun!

DON'T stop me,YES I'm having a wild fun,

AND I WON'T STOP AT ALL!~ 🎵

That. Was. Not that bad, actually, author. I could have done without the done-to-death 'bad time' reference, but you picked Don't Stop Me Now by Queen, redid it like the show did to produce Don't Start Un-Believing, and turned out a wrong but recognizable, awkward parody that's worth a decent chuckle at karaoke songs. Now, for the sake of literary decency, could you please stop applying the same method to your entire fanfic?

Everyone got wild because of Frisk's performance,and cheered for her...except,obviously,Etoile,who was extremely angry.

Must be because she has no elbow room in these sentence structures.

Chara approached of Asriel while Etoile was busy,and Asriel nodded in agreement.

"Guys? A orange and crimson bike was just stolen! The owner of it will need to go outside.",Asriel announced for the crowed.

"WHAT?",Jasper screamed in disbelief. She recognized this description clearly,because it was her bike.

And it was really odd that Asriel knew that, since she had left the bike locked at home.

When she checked the window,she found out the Chara's clones Trois and Quatre ran away with the bike,giggling like lunatics.

You'd have to be a loon to run off with a bike instead of driving away on it, yeah.

Jasper ran after the thieves. It was the perfect chance for Chara now,and she didn't waste any second: she ran to the couch Lapis was in and sitted on it.

"Oh my,I wonder who are those horrible thieves!...they aren't me. And I know that.",Chara said,trying to act the most casual and unsuspicious.

"Well,now we'll take a break. Here comes the music!",Asriel said,scratching the back of his head and putting a new music.

Yes, let's pause the party by putting on more music - what?

"Woah,this sounds amazing.",Lapis complimented the music,swinging her head to its rhythm.

It's the latest hot-selling album, 'Elevator Tunes - Greatest Hits'.

Chara felt something poke her arm,and turned down to see her little sister there. Chara,curious to know about what Frisk wanted to tell to her,climbed down the couch and unapproached of Lapis.

"Its your chance to dance with Lapis...be brave,sis.",

"I just wanted to cock-block you so I could get to say that."

Frisk said for Chara in a encouraging way.

Chara,whoever,was struggling to even try to approach her personal idol. Eventually,she began to hysterially and awkwardly laugh,and she ran away.

You could have gone with nervous laughter, author, but no, once again, we have to dive straight on to crazy town because any emotion nearing subtlety is inexistent in this reality.

~~

Chara and Deux were now on Chara and Frisk's bedroom,pacing around each other with their hands on their backs and a thoughtful face.

"I absolutely agree. Dancing with her will be suicide.",Deux said,in a thoughtful tone.

Then by all means, cut a jig.

"The dancefloor is a...minefield of death.",Chara added,agreeing with Deux,or with herself.

As opposed to the much more prolific minefield of life.

Deux and Chara,eventually,discussing about the possible dangers,decided that would need more help. And Chara...flicked enough boogers to produce another ellipses, and then made six more clones of herself to execute a master plan to stop all that would be on her way.

Soon,Chara's clone Six ringed a bell,that indicated it was the time to Chara to act.

"Its your cue. Good luck on making her dance,partner me!",Deux said for Chara,already knowing about all the plan.

"Nah,I don't need- AH!",

Don't need what, doofus? A substituted word the author couldn't figure out to jam in, when the sentence before didn't involve the word 'luck' or even the remote context of you having anything that you wouldn't need?

Chara said,as she turned and walked to the corridor. But suddenly,she faced Lapis herself,and screamed in shock and surprise. The Plan B failed.

And they went through so much for this one, what with all the nothing beyond approaching Wendy the author bothered to write! What's even the point of the clones if they aren't going to do anything, author, you lazy ass?! Fuck, it's less text for me to read, why am I complaining?

"W-what you are doing here? You won't be on the dance floor? I mean,its almost about time...",Chara asked,feeling extremely awkward,since all her plan was crushed to the ground.

"I'm waiting for the bathroom here,pal.",Lapis replied.

"Oh...",Chara nodded in agreement. She picked the list and decided to tore it off,since it wouldn't be useful anymore. "I don't feel a tall pride anymore...",Chara said,laughing away her own shame.

I don't even know where the hell you want to go with that sentence, but it certainly wasn't the moral of the lifted story, seeing as the list is just trashed ahead of time, because the author can't bother to let these two bond and show the list isn't necessary despite Chara still having it. It's getting worse. How can this fanfic be getting worse?!

"...That actually reminded me of something.",Lapis said,as she pulled something from her jean's pocket and showed it to Chara. It was a picture of,apparently,a younger version of her,with brown hair,hands on the hips and a bored expression on her face,and two more female children,with only a boy as the second oldest. "This is my brother,those are my sisters,and the tall one is me."

What an impressive retread, forced to the point where Chara had to wedge in the word 'tall' to start the scene born from Dipper and Wendy poking fun at someone of abnormal height. And then the author can't even describe how tall in comparison Lapis is supposed to be to her siblings in the photo, which was the entire fucking point of this moment! It's amateur hour, twenty-four-seven with this author!

"Woah,what a anoma-",Chara was about to tease,before she stopped herself.

Ah, yes, anomaly, truly the fitting word that all the school yard bullies and people on the internet will use to tease you with, you repeat-offending abuser of the English language!

"Mmhmm.",Lapis agreed out,much to Chara's surprise.

"Actually,my real name was used in bullying because of a birthmark I have.",Chara said,recollecting some nasty memories from the depth of her mind.

"Birthmark?",Lapis asked,her eyes sparkling of curiosity.

Are you fucking with me? Now the author wants to dump pity points on Chara, by inverting the fact that Dipper owning the nickname he got for his birthmark, by spinning Chara to having gotten teased for a birthmark correlating with her name?

Chara lifted the bangs of her hair,showing up a curious birthmark of red color located on her forehead. It looked like the star called Beta Canum Venaticorum,a star that was also known as Chara.

"The Beta Canum Venaticorum!",Lapis said,surprised about the mark. "That is why you are teased! I thought it was just because you were a freak...just like me."

Image

A star! A glowing dot in the sky! A dot that is colored yellow and dim, by the way, that the author wants to connect to a red dot on Chara's forehead! Pimple-bitch here, we are to believe, is being made fun of because of an obscure star name from one out of eighty eight constellations, this particular one named Canes Venatici, meaning 'hunting dogs'. And then the author shits out Lapis with a nonsensical follow-up, thinking it completes the topic and even remotely connects what Triclops here was talking about, missing the mark by stating she thought Chara was a freak before the reveal. Dipper's birthmark, in being shaped like something recognizable, is important and can be altered to fit, but the author, in her desperation to make ends meet, kept going with the theme of constellations and navigated to this result through Google. A dot in the sky with the same name, therefore a round blemish that no one could distinguish from anything else must be the dead giveaway for this star, of course! People would call her egg-face before something as stupid as thinking it somehow detrimental to be sharing a name with a star, author, you numbskull!!

Lapis and Chara clinked their cups and laughed together. Then,they saw the door opening,and Etoile coming out of the bathroom,with a angry face. Lapis and Chara silently agreed between themselves that,even if they barely knew her,they saw she had a pepermint temperment.

Because the flavor of someone's temperament is something you can agree on silently, of course, mostly because the dialogue didn't exist in the canon as this never fucking happened and the author just wants to demonize her antagonists.

"Give me some time.",Lapis said,going to the bathroom and closing the door.

For some seconds,silence ruled the corridor,until some noises echoed on the room. Chara turned around,and saw all of the clones she created. And they weren't a inch happy.

The clones have evolved to use the superior metric system.

"Guys,you won't believe what happened.",Chara said with a chill smile,ignoring her clone's anger. "Lapis and I are actually chatting pretty well!"

"This is not the plan.",Deux coldly said,as all the Chara clones opened their own copies of the list,and readed all of the list's steps.

Fitting, since with the author's revamp it's one step for each to announce before dancing with Wendy.

"Why care about the plan? I think talking to her like a normal person already works. And...I destroyed the list.",Chara said,revealing to the clones the destruction of the list she made.

All the clones gasped in surprise and horror. And soon,they growled angrily,and tackled Chara. Chara tried to push them far from her,but they overpowered her,pulling her trough the corridor as she screamed for help. But nobody came.

Could you stop being an Undertale spam-bot for two seconds and use actual normal words and sentences?!

~~

Eventually,Chara was thrown into a closet.

The clones fighted to see who would dance with Lapis.

Chara took the chance to escape.

But she was caught.

~~

Getting a bit fatigued in ripping off the entire plot of an episode, author? Good.

"Face it Chary. You are all done.",Deux said,crossing her arms with a evil smirk.

And we are right back at the corridor where the previous scene left off. It's almost like we didn't need the scene skip either.

"Wait!...we are pratically a same mind,and a same soul. We fighting would be me go to the oblivion.",Chara said for her clones.

And all of them agreed. It was over,right?...actually,Chara tricked them,as she punched Deux.

Soon,the clones began to fight between themselves,forgetting to hurt the real Chara. Chara even almost tricked them into thinking she was Sept,but the '7' mark on her hair felt off,and she was cornered. But she gave a end to it,using a party popper and activating the sprinkler on the room.

The Mystery Shack then burned down to the ground in the ensuing combustion of the napalm paper clones.

Water felt over the clones,and they began to melt. Their faces quickly distorted to black,deformed evil smiles. They teased Chara before meeting their final end.

...Wait...someone was missing...

A narrator worth a damn, if you ask me.

---

Frisk was enjoying a twirling dance on the dancefloor of the party. Asriel was making some sword slash noises with a violin,

Still better than dubstep, so I'll take it.

promising that he would announce the winner of the crown of the party. Frisk stopped and walked alongside Etoile.

"Etoile,no matter who will be the winner...I want to say it was super fun.",Frisk said in a respectful tone.

"My,you are a so honorful opponent!",Etoile complimented Frisk. "Clap for the weird girls? Pfft,I bet they won't."

"I respect you, but also fuck you."

~~

Chara and Deux fighted and punched themselves,but since there was no more clones left,Deux was overpowered.

Even when being equals, the Mary Sue still wins over her clone.

"Have mercy! L-let me dance with Lapis!",Deux screamed,now sounding weak and extremely scared.

"NO!",Chara screamed with anger,preparing her fist to bring a strong attack on Deux.

But before a strong blow could be landed on Deux,a extremely playful and joyful laughter of Lapis catched Chara's and Deux's attention equally. They found out the two were too late,and Lapis was again distracted by Jasper. The two sighed in sadness and sitted down,hugging their knees.

"...Hey Chara,wanna grab some orange soda?",Deux suggested to Chara with a half-hearted smile.

"You just literally and willfully tried to murder me with violence, but let's share a drink."

~~

"Let the votes for the winner start!",Asriel cheered on the microphone,as he reunited Frisk and Etoile on the stage and Etoile's friends cheered for her.

"You'll get ball up,Frisk.",Etoile said for Frisk,with a furious face that awakened a inner fear on the heart of the young girl.

I don't know what either of those two sentences are supposed to mean!

"First,the claps for Frisk.",Asriel said,picking a paper with two meters. One for Frisk,in blue color,and other one for Etoile,in peach pink color.

The crowd applauded loudly for Frisk,which surprised her and Etoile. It was like Frisk was the most popular girl from Inside Falls,instead of Etoile.

"Woah,it almost hitted the maximum!",Asriel impressedly said,noticing Frisk's bar was almost entirely filled up.

Yeah, sure, the bar filled up on the piece of paper you are holding up - Asriel, did you snort some 'Determination' before you started DJ-ing?

"Well,now,its time for the claps of Etoile!"

...Ironically,everybody was afraid of applauding for Etoile. Etoile glared at the crowed in fury,and they slightly applauded faster for her.

They were so scared of her, that making them even more scared made them do it anyway.

"Oh no! We are tied up! Someone must turn the tables for one of them.",Asriel said,noticing that Frisk's and Etoile's bars were filled up equally,with only a line in the way of each of their victories.

There isn't a max-line in a voting poll, dumbass.

And also,Etoile wouldn't accept defeat,or even a tie. She looked around for a crowd member that didn't clap yet. Then,she spotted Gaster Wingdings politely slepping on a chair,and climbed out of the stage holding her dress' tips. Afterwards,she carefully putted a dollar on his lap,waking him up and making him pick it.

The author truly wasted this character. Gaster would have been perfect as Bill Cipher, or an even better role superseding it and eliminating the author's canon-ripoff. The man speaks in Wingdings font, which could have been the perfect opportunity to follow the show's cryptograms, to hint or play to the readers in confrontations that go over the protagonists' heads, by introducing a meta-aware, reality-threatening antagonist, like other actual dedicated fan-works of Undertale out there manages to pull off.

"My,thank you,young lady!",Gaster said with a smile,clapping for Etoile and breaking the tied situation of the contest.

You do know how clapping works, right, author? Displaced air from palms increase the sound of the two hands being forced together. And you just had Mr. Holes-in-his-hands clap.

"Oh golly...I think we finally got a real winner...",Asriel said,feeling disappointed. Deep inside,he was cheering for Frisk,and he felt pretty saddened up that Etoile was the winner. "The winner...is Etoile Rosenqueen.",he reluctantly continued,giving the crown to Etoile,since he himself wasn't tall enough to put it on her head.

You never established any detail about Asriel until now, author, besides the fact that he's replacing Sooz, a grown man-child, and he can own his own boat and carry two twolve-year-olds. Stop retconning things without realizing it, would you?

"Oooh-hoh! Thank you! Thank you so much! We should celebrate at the air with my parents!",

Just don't inhale, that air is only for rich people.

Etoile happily cheered as she crowned herself.

The crowd carried Etoile,shouting and cheering up her name. Only Amethyst and Connie were left. Frisk felt heartbroken: she failed for her new friends,friends that could be real friends,not false or toxic friends.

For fuck sake, shut up, My Little Pony isn't even this obsessed or hyperbolic about Friendship!

"...I failed you two...I...understand if you want to abandon me.",Frisk said,in a almost-crying tone as she removed the purple bandanna from her head and looked down,crying some tears.

"Please,don't cry. We'll make a consolation for you!",Connie said,going to Frisk and wiping her tears for her.

Who wants to tell the author that this response in no way indicate to anyone that they still want to stay friends with Frisk? I'm starting to question this author's real-life social circle experiences.

"R-really?",Frisk said in a surprised tone,her eyes sparkling like little stars.

"We will ask to our moms if we can make a sleepover with you. You are almost a rock star!",Amethyst said with a happy smile.

"And I have more amazing books.",Connie added with a smile,pulling another adventure book from her bag and showing its cover for Frisk.

"G-Guys! You are the best!",Frisk said,her happiness raising again as more tears felt from her eyes. But now,they were tears of pure joy.

Because everything is better when exaggerated, right? Anger must be relentless fury. Sadness must be deep despair. Happiness must be irrational waterworks of joy. All impact is lost the more forceful this author attempts to hammer it in!

"We don't have many friends,like Etoile,

I'm going to stop you right there, you dialogue-twisting pleb. Your Pacifica Northwest substitute, if needing to fill that role, doesn't have many friends, author. She's popular out of wealth. There's a difference, and I hope you realize why.

but I believe if we get each other's back,we are happy.",Connie said,adjusting her magenta glasses.

"Azzy! Bring a new song,to celebrate friendship!",Frisk said with a hopeful smile for Asriel,who didn't yet turn off the audioboxes.

"Okay Rose. Here we go!",Asriel replied with a thumb up,inserting a new music on the CD player,as Frisk,Amethyst and Connie danced together in extreme joy.

---

Chara and Deux were on the roof of the Crystal Shack,on the hidden area of Lapis.

Kinky. It's probably also where they'd want to be if they were a bit older, and this author didn't solely have a boner for friendships.

Each of them with cans of orange soda,staring at the stars of the night.

"...I wished I could grow up...",

Where it counts is that all your behavior shows it's a choice you have yet to take, brat.

Chara said,for both Deux and the stars. Curiously,a shooting star felt from the sky,like she was making a wish.

This, and the hollow thud of the author's attempt at an important, overarching warning for Inside Falls itself, will never have an impact, however. What has the author shown that it would, I ask you?

"Don't worry,I bet it'll be realized.",Deux said in a reasurring tone for Chara.

"Yeah...and I'll probably learn for the next time I'll try to get Lapis attention.",Chara agreed,turning to Deux.

Chara and Deux opened their soda cans,touched their cans,and drinked them. ...Unfornaturely

It's great that you can invent a word that describes itself.

,both Chara and Deux forgot that clones made by the copy machine were weak to liquid,and a hole formed up on Deux's belly. That meant that her time on the mortal plane was ending.

For having one of them bursting into flames, this seems like an oddly calmly paced moment to them.

Chara immediately gained a worried face,but Deux looked relatively calm,like she knew she already would foolishly bring her own doom.

"Deux! No!...please don't die...",Chara said,her voice breaking down and some tears escaping from her black-baggy eyes.

"Its okay. I was the one who foolishly choose to die.",

"The author just told the readers that, so of course I felt that I had to say it out loud too, just to be on the safe side."

Deux said with a reasurring,calm tone. However,her body was beginning to melt,starting from her feet.

"B-but what will I do?",Chara asked for the dying Deux,her voice fighting in with her own soobing.

If it's taking this long without any burn damages to the shack, the roof must be covered in asbestos. Which actually wouldn't surprise me that much, come to think of it.

"Be less embarrasing around Lapis. ...Well,goodbye.",

What marveling last words of wisdom. Be less embarrassing around Lapis. When has Chara even managed that much in this fanfic?

Deux said in a serene and encouraging voice,even trough she was aware her own torso was already in mid-melting,and her arms was also dipping. Deux tried to speak more,but her body melted more and more,and her speech became as incoherent as the one from Deformed Chara.

Deux died,in the way of the clones from the copy machine.

And the author wrote this fanfic in the way of the copy machine, too, only pouring water on it won't destroy anything but my computer.

"...Deux...",Chara said,in a whispery,sad voice. "The only one who understanded my feelings.",

She also spoke your garbled language, shared your blood-lust, was equally pretentious, and why should I care if you happened to down a can of hydrochloric acid, exactly?

she continued,as she poured some orange soda over the liquid remains of Deux,believing it was the only gift she could use as a 'Thank You'.

Have you seriously never heard of 'pouring one out', author? What planet is Brazil from?

She jumped down and went to the door of the Crystal Shack,drinking the last remains of the orange soda and opening the door to enter inside. There,she found Grauntie Pearl calmly counting the dollars,

Which all the thankful children, who she only wanted to do this for to please them, gave to her as thanks, of course.

Asriel with the musical tools,Frisk and the two new friends she made and...Lapis. Chara wouldn't let Deux down. She would try to honor her request the best way she could.

She immediately scratched off 'slipping on a banana peel' from her already torn up list to emphasize how off track this author is about the moral of the story.

"Hey Chara! Where you have been?",Frisk called for Chara,catching her attention. "I have real friends this time.",Frisk happily announced,pointing to Amethyst and Connie. Chara couldn't help but smile at her little sister's joy there.

Chapter done, and this was yet another draining one. I'd argue I guessed two-third right what with Etoile being the Pacifica replacement, but I might have lost my touch, since the author is occasionally and yet unimpressively insane with her crossover choices.

On to the prediction for next chapter then. Impure Little Delight? What? Irrational Treasure is what's next on the canon list, so this just bodes all sorts of ill omens. Fine. The twins go out to uncover a secret conspiracy about the town founder who is related to Etoile, while dodging the cops and finding the real founder at a racist version of Pioneer Day. And just to not play it safe, I'll guess that the Eighth-and-a-half President will be replaced by a crossover character from a universe set in Feudal Japan.

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Re: Inside Falls

Post by ConcernedGamer » Mon Mar 18, 2019 1:56 pm

This story is stuck. Stuck in an AU, stuck in the canon, stuck in the author's mind from which it barely escapes with grammar and details enough to be coherent. I refuse to believe that the popularity of Undertale AUs stems from the thought that you can just rebrand a story while changing nothing about it in the process. Fanworks of Undertale, of what little and not much I have taken a gander at, sticks to a plot railroad, true, but the tone, subplots, characterization, and overall theme is changed. For instance, take Underfell AUs - yes, these things are unto themselves fandom collaboration projects, rather than individual pet hobbies. In this take on the AU, the moral compasses of everyone but the fallen human is flipped. Flowey is nice and helpful and all monsters are evil. The human still tries to befriend everyone. Same setting, same characters, same beginning and same goal, but the narrative puts forth the question how the fallen human would persevere against the odds and opposition of a malicious underground. Compare that to this fanfic. Granted, whether it has changed over time or always been acknowledged as such on Wattpad in opposition to TV Tropes calling it a fusion fic, this fanfic is presented as a 'Gravity Falls Crossover Role AU', but the point is the same of how AUs work. If you change the cast, whether it be their alignments or swap them out entirely, things are supposed to be different because of it. Otherwise, why bother? Nothing is different, nothing is changed. Not the theme. Not the moral alignments. Not even the fucking dialogue pacing. Well, arguably the language has changed, and the overall intelligence of the universe these people inhabit, but let's not mince words. The point is, had I wanted to relive Gravity Falls where the characters names are hard to keep track of, they talk funny, and their actions don't add up as it goes along, I'd get a much better experience simply rewatching the show while drunk off my ass. Moving on. Here's Chapter 8, Impure Little Delight.

For a reason Chara and Frisk didn't really pay attention too,Pearl had to do something around the Inside Falls town,and she decided to take the two young twin girls with her car.

The author was too scared of being original to think up a reason, but still felt the need to draw attention to that fact.

Chara was eating a ring-shaped candy with a sour-sweet sugar and fruit flavor,while Frisk was eating good,but excessively salty potato fries of the thin and crispy kind.

When authors think snack habits define character traits.

Frisk,eventually,got tired of the over-saltiness of the potato fries,and decided to put them over her head,like it was some kind of flower crown.

"Heh...I look cute! I guess.",Frisk said,looking at herself from the car's window,just not moving her head to not drop the potato fries on her head.

Nacho earrings are in the realm of plausibility, as I've seen weirder stuff hanging from people's ears, author. Wearing greasy junk food as a hat is retarded even in comparison.

"Yeah,just guess.",Pearl agreed with Frisk's ambigious opinion. Then,she noticed something on the streets. "Wait...there's alot of traffic...of covered wagons carried by horses...wait...NO! NONONONONO it isn't happening!",Pearl suddenly said in a hysterical panic,stepping foot on the gas pedal to stop the car.

Welcome to opposite land, folks, we won't be here for long, and by that I mean we'll be here forever.

"What is it,Grauntie Pearl? Some kind of monster?",Chara asked,in a sour,uninteresed but yet playful tone.

The word you are looking for is 'facetious', author, go get a beta reader, for fuck sake.

"It is SERIOUS,Chara! We must get out of here!",Pearl said,her hysterical panic growing even more as she tried to find a escape from those covered wagons. Unfortunately,she soon found out the covered wagons were blocking her way,in a circle shape. "No! We are CAGED! NOOOO!",Pearl yelled,when she realized she was trapped.

Image

Really, author? You drew substitution character trait commonalities from Uncle Grandpa?

Frisk looked outside,spotting a adult light brown horse looking at her.

"I think the best outcome will soon come.",

I'd have to then ask what fanfic you are reading, because this can't be it.

Frisk commented for her grauntie and her older twin sister with a smile,patting the horse's nose.

---

Chara,Frisk and Pearl had to climb out of the car and walk trough the town with their own feet,since the many covered wagons weren't giving space to the cars. Chara and Frisk weren't sad over it,since walking and getting fresh air was part of why their parents sended them to Inside Falls. But Pearl was very angry because of it.

What amazing insight we have to the author's mindset. "Hmm. They got out of the car and have to walk yet don't seem sad about it so I must remark on it with a reason as to why. I know, I'll have it be because of decisions made by their helicopter parents."

Curiously,the main street of Inside Falls was prepared for some kind of celebration. Which kind? Chara and Frisk didn't know. The two only knew that the town was now on a old fashioned and slightly more duller brown style,like they just time traveled to the 70's or the 60's. Or,as well,like they time traveled to the 1800's.

Because the 1960-70's colorful hippie-Woodstock period and the 1800's are just so alike, right down to the sepia tone. I weep for the author's history teacher.

"Woah,that is awesome.",Chara said,impressed about the age possibilities of the town for it to be celebrated on a outdated style.

Chara picked up a postcard with a friendly message of 'Welcome to Inside Falls!',but just looked at it for some seconds. When she lowered it,she found herself looking at a sepia-colored Inside Falls. ...Actually,no. It was just a glass mimicking the old color style that was too near her face.

Visual jokes in written medium. The only thing more amazing than that the author thinks this is entertaining, is that someone is probably enough of a mouth breather to actually be entertained by it.

"*sigh* The 'wonderful' foundation day.",Pearl said,with a sickened and sarcastic tone on her voice. "All the years they celebrate the foundation of Inside Falls with those outdated fashions."

"1863,welcome back!",Kaito's voice suddenly ringed in,with a old-styled accent. He was also wearing a old-styled outfit with a hat as well.

"Stop with that,or I'll kick your legs off!",

"I should never have let your ancestors settle in this valley!"

No, seriously author, you are missing out on so much fun and interesting turns and characterization by not having actual genuine Steven Universe elements over a boring Human AU rendition. What if the Crystal Gems in this universe worked to keep the weirdness of Gravity Falls in check and contained? There's even a fucking space ship buried in the valley, what possessed you to not grab this opportunity?!

Pearl yelled in a angry voice to Kaito,menacingly posing in a style that wouldn't look out of place in a kickboxing match. This caused Kaito to fearfuly squeak something in Japanese,and run away,just to stumble into a barrel.

Frisk and Chara looked and pointed at the many activites the townsfolk were doing to celebrate the Foundation day,including iron panning and candle dipping. And...weirdly,they saw a lady marrying a male wigeon bird. Even for Frisk,a extreme animal lover,it was extremely weird.

Ah, sweet innocent youth, at that time where one doesn't yet know what a furry is.

"What is going on?",Frisk asked,raising a curious eyebrow.

"Oh,I once readed it on the book.",Chara explained for Frisk with a smile,as she opened the mysterious book with the three number and the two gemstones for the cover. "In Inside Falls,marriage with wigeons were a normal tradition."

Because the guy marrying a woodpecker happened, we now have this. And the author couldn't even reference Hatoful Boyfriend while doing it, how disappointing.

"It is still a normal...normal tradition.",the same lady who just married a male wigeon explained for the young twins,happily walking away with her 'husband' resting on her arm.

Bestiality, you know, for kids.

The voice of the announcer called the townsfolk for the opening ceremony,and of course,interest sparkled on the young Dreemurr twins. The two arrived on the town just for a fresh summer,but yet,it sounded nice for them to understand and learn more about the local culture,and not just the paranormal and mysterious side of the town.

No one can have a casual interest in the things around them, they must be invested nerds at all times.

"Grauntie Pearl,wanna come along?",Frisk asked for Pearl,slightly hoping she would change of idea.

"No and no,thanks!",Pearl angrily replied,and just after answering Frisk's question,she realized she was talking with her nieces,and decided to soft up a little her tone.

She had for no reason in particular been under the impression, that she was talking to the agent that got her into this fanfic.

"...Just please don't come back to the Crystal Shack with this accent,or else you won't have nice food for lunch."

Oh my, what a threat. They'll just have to eat Frisk's hat that still stays on despite her previous concern to risking it falling off.

"Heh,lets pang-wangle with that,Frisky!",Chara said,trying to mimic the accent of a person of the 1800's.

"Yup,big sis. Gigglemugs forever.",

They are twins, so stop injecting your big sis adoration desire projection into your would-be self-insert, author.

Frisk replied with a soft smile,also trying to do the 1800's accent. She and Chara playfully hitted each other's arms with their elbows and walked away smiling and giggling.

"...No nice food for lunch.",Pearl angrlily said for herself,noticing that Chara and Frisk broke the 'law' she inputed for them.

And I've already realized that the author thwarted her own opportunity in prior chapters to involve Together Breakfast. Why are there Steven Universe elements in this crossover if they aren't being used?

~~

Chara and Frisk found themselves in-front of a large stage,in the middle of a large crowd. Sheriff Raynold and Deputy Geremy where there as well. The twins theorized it was simply because they somehow were part of the city's people as well.

Yeah, they absolutely need specific or even ulterior motives as reasons for being present, I mean, they only live here and have jobs as officials.

Etoile stepped foot into the stage and picked the microphone there.

"Konnichiwa,dear crowd!

And a man with a USA shirt in the crowd drops dead.

My name,as you all know,is Etoile Rosenqueen,the great-great-granddaughter of the town's founder,Sakura Rosenqueen!

Does the author think Nippon Ichi released Oregon Trails or something? Sakura Rosenqueen isn't even an existing character, and the only results on Google bring up a better potential crossover character with Gemini Sunrise from Sakura Wars V; a samurai cowgirl with split-personality from Texas. Yes, really.

Oh,and the richiest girl of this town as well.",Etoile spoke,pointing to a statue of the 'Sakura Rosenqueen' person as the crowd clapped for her.

The statue was of course too racist for the author to bother with describing.

"Now,introduce yourself,for the sake of the foundation day."

"*squee!* I can present my ideals to them...",Frisk said for Chara in a excited whisper-scream,holding her cheeks.

"Frisky...I don't know if it will be a nice idea. She isn't like,your worst enemy?",

She's at the very least Frisk's third worst enemy, right behind herself when it comes to making friends, and her twin sister whom she fears.

Chara commented,slightly angering her tone as she looked at and recognized Etoile,and remembered about how Frisk explained about how the japanese blonde girl was a jerk to her and her two friends.

"A pacifist always compliment their enemies.",Frisk explained for Chara with a kind smile,as she prepared to climb up the stage.

As an openly pacifistic person, I say fuck that. Just as aggression has to be earned, the same goes for overt courtesy.

"And the first newcomer is!...",Etoile happily announced,as she heard steps climbing into the stage. But when she noticed who was climbing the stage,she got a furious face. "Frisk...",she angrily continued.

"Yup,the name is Frisk. And I hope alot of peace and love will be put into your hearts.",Frisk politely and calmly said,holding up her hands. Everyone on the crowd,except Chara,gasped in surprise and applauded her pacifist comment,only angering Etoile further.

The author finally stopped navel gazing and is attempting to incorporate a theme of Undertale into this vastly inferior crossover, and she decides to deliver the impression that people of this reality finds pacifism surprising and applause worthy? Are you fucking with me? Are people murdering monsters in the streets, is that it?

"I'm sorry,but your ideals are out of place on the Foundation day.

Well, considering how the settlers treated the Native Americans, you might have a point there.

And besides,you are too weird and shy!",Etoile said for Frisk,stomping her foot out of rage. Then,when she looked down to face Frisk,she noticed the jumper she was wearing: a dark forest green jumper decipting a green pheasant eating cerals. "What,a green pheasant eating cerals? That is a offense to my ancestry!"

"Hey,I'm not shy or offensive!",Frisk defended,with a angry look laying on her face as she crossed her arms.

Image

I think I need a moment, because there's too much stupid coming at me all at once. Let's break it down and short, because my ranting quota is already through the roof as it is. First, of course Etoile can really judge Frisk as shy, from the two times they met, one time her being a Party Queen contender, and now where she's wearing food as apparel in public. I mean, that's just as obvious as my sarcasm. Second, spotting caricaturist cultural appropriation from afar was apparently such a difficulty until it was up in your face, but that must be because the author is doing the exact same thing with you and everything oriental in this fucking fanfic, since this moronic author thinks the colonization of America happened from West to East, with Japanese immigrations happening before the very election year that's going to be referenced in this chapter!!

"But you are still weird. Mainly with a flower crown of potato fries.",Etoile pointed out,and just then Frisk remembered the potato fries crown was still on her head,and she covered her face with her hands. "Why you don't give a hand to her,audience?",Etoile happily said for the crowd.

The crowd happily clapped for Frisk,barely noticing that the 12-years-old girl was having a stage fright moment. Chara was the only one who didn't clap,looking worried and,at the same time,wishing that she could climb the stage to punch Etoile's face for the sake of her little sister.

It's always violence with this author's over-glorified golden-hearted child, isn't it? Has Steven Universe taught you nothing, author?

She just didn't do that because of a couple on the backstage that apparently were the parents of Etoile.

And the sun would be in her eyes if she did, anyway. And she could totally bench-press 7 children, too, you guys, but she just sprained a muscle imagining herself barking at the end of her chain like the little conceited and insecure bitch that she is.

Eventually,Frisk sadly ran out of the stage to reunite with Chara,who gently patted her head like a older sister would do.

Watch that idolizing sister affection complex of yours, author. Some people's older siblings would gleefully humiliate them in public if given half the chance.

Etoile and her family,who included a pet cat,even did take a family photo,but the twins didn't stay there to see the moment because they had enough of her pettiness.

"Don't worry sis,if possible,the next time I'll be sure to explode her face.",Chara said,still comforting Frisk.

"You can tell how much I'm comforting you by stating my intent to commit murder, right?"

"I would really like a cinnamon candy to wash my sorrows away.",Frisk replied,still looking down.

---

Pearl returned to her car in the meantime her nieces were busy,but there was mud over it. At the same time she was trying to turn it on,she was waiting for the young twins to come back. However,the bad luck she had for disliking the day made her anger up with a local mechanic,that was also on the vibe of the celebration,and force up the sheriff and deputy to put her on a "ye stocks".

Author, if you are not even going to put in the effort, just do me a favor and skip the b-plot like you did your grammar lessons.

"Oh,hush up!",Pearl said,even trough there was nobody nearby she could hush up.

Image

I urge you author, stop acting retarded!! How does one fuck up this much and double down and directly state what was written makes no sense?! Do you not know that the exclamation 'Oh, come on!' is perfectly valid to state out loud to one self as well as others, you malignant maker of eyesores?! You are ruining it even further by being one sentence off-beat, because canon Pearl aimed that phrase at Peridot for her back-sass, and we all know who's going to walk into this scene. You have to be doing this on purpose, or you are severely damaged upstairs when considering what counts as narratives, author. Don't make me lop you in with hubworld23, because I have regarded you as actually capable of substance better than 'Connie, Lucky and Shantae: A Quest to save Uncle Mimic!', right up until this specific point in your dumbass fanfic!

Then,Peridot came in. She was wearing her hair down,unlike the triangular shape she usually weared off in stage. Her outfit was like a minimalist mini-version of the outfit of Elizabeth Bathory,

Which we of course all know what looks like, so we don't have to cope with the author not bothering to detail it further, by interrupting the flow of reading and spending two minutes on Google looking over the multiple dresses she happened to have worn, and thereby find ourselves out of place when returning back to reading this. Do you know what is also out of place, author? A dress from a 16th century Hungarian noble woman at a 19th century America reenactment festival!!

but her glasses were still the same,and she was carrying some eggs.

"Hey Peridot...you actually look nice! And much less weird than usual.",Pearl commented in a slight happy voice,despite the fact she was talking with her arch nemesis in flesh and bones.

"Thank you,Ms. Crystal Dreemurr. But I am just a simple farmer selling her eggs.",Peridot replied,as happy as her older arch nemesis was. But suddenly,she picked two of the eggs,throwing them at Pearl's forehead birthmark and nose.

A round birthmark, that for some reason the author doesn't think looks like a random, named star in the night sky.

"Oops,some eggs dropped down!",Peridot innocently said,like it wasn't her fault.

Pearl angrily sighed,as her mind pratically screamed for her: "THIS IS GOING TO BE A HORRIBLE DAY!".

I mean, she wouldn't want to cause a scene at this point, so she kept that scream completely internal.

~~

Chara and Frisk were sitting on the staircase for the statue of the supposed founder of Inside Falls,Sakura Rosenqueen. Both were still sad about the incident where Etoile crushed Frisk's spirit in-front of a very large crowd.

"Chara...I want to know something...do you think I'm shy?",Frisk asked for Chara.

No, stop, foul, author. The point of the episode you are once more unceremoniously burying upside down in a shallow grave, is that being silly isn't shameful, and you already made Frisk wear fast food on her head like an imbecile. You can't counter being shy by going on a mystery hunt. I'm already predicting this won't be the last shuffling bait-and-switch word you'll use to pretend the substituted scenes are even connected.

"Of course you...aren't...",Chara answered,thinking she could just try to comfort her younger sister with a simple lie. However,she slipped off,and Frisk already found out Chara was lying.

"Chara,I really love you as a big sister,

Okay, fuck you, author. They are twins. You wrote that they are twins. And yet you keep having them addressed as older and younger, throughout this fanfic, and now they are being force-fed the words themselves to exposit, just to scratch the itch of your own damn headcannon to your own damn fanfic. I'm starting a counter for every time you ignore the fact that they are twins. We are at 25 at this point, and I'll tally at the end of each chapter.

but trying to build a comforting lie doesn't help the fact everybody sees me as a freak.",

If you could try and stick to words that you were actually called, instead of jumping to the next substituted plot-driving word, that would be just great.

Frisk said with a sad face as she shaked her head,throwing the potato fries out of her head,and taked off her jumper. Below the jumper,she weared a simple short-sleeved blue shirt with two purple strips on the torso.

"Frisky,why you hate that jumper now?",Chara asked,with tenderness and worry on her face.

"Because of Etoile. She hates me so much that she is willing to ruin my life.",Frisk replied,almost willing to cry.

What's with this over-exaggerated train of hyperbole all of a sudden! A rich girl doesn't like you, big fucking whoop! Get a life and learn how to handle it, author, instead of making an angst mountain out of an emo molehill.

Chara got up and stared at the statue of Sakura Rosenqueen. She felt extreme anger towards the family the apparent founder of the town leted loose.

"Etoile...hmpth. Being descended from the founder of this town doesn't mean she can treat everyone like trash. I hope someone can make her turn into dust.",Chara bitterly and furiously said,just deep inside hoping Etoile or one of her parents didn't listen to her words.

A murder-lusting, spineless coward, how likeable.

Then,something startled on her mind as she gasped. ...The speech of Etoile wasn't the first time she heard of the blonde girl's great-great-grandmother.

I mean, have you seen her game franchise? Woof.

"...Hey Frisky. I think I heard this name before on the book before.",Chara said in a hopeful tone to her little sister,sitting down with her again. Then,she pulled the book out of her back and opened it,showing to Frisk the exact page mentioning Sakura. "We have a tip on our eyes now. ...Hmmm...should I read it with a voice I've been praticing?",Chara continued and asked.

"No,thanks.",Frisk answered,trying to not sound bitter.

Frisk never truly recovered from Chara's Kermit impressions.

"Okay.",Chara replied,cleaning her throat as she prepared to read the page of the book. "After some studies and investigations,I found out something interesing. Sakura Rosenqueen may not be the actual founder of Inside Falls. The truth may be hidden on a enclosed document I found on my searches about this topic. I hope I can find the code soon."

Since I guess what I have is the answer, the code is all I need now.

On the same page,there was a separate paper piece around the same age of the book itself. Chara picked it up and opened it. There was a series of patters of symbols,words,letters and even some numbers on it. On the upper center,the mysterious X above an O symbol of the Inside Falls town was there as well.

Mac OS X, an X-Box logo, do not dry clean, an LED circuit symbol, an ecstasy pill, you really didn't pick an iconography with much identity when described in a written medium, did you, author? I already predict that Garnet, who it's obvious is the author of the books, will have no reason for using this symbol anywhere like Ford did Bill's, because my current conclusion is that what the author is trying to drag into this mess is the Slender Man symbol.

Image

"Golly...that means that Etoile's family is probably a fraud! A conspiracy is involved there,and it is being interesing.",Chara commented with a smirk.

"Hey,can I tag along?...I mean,I won't be a freak anymore if I solve a serious conspiracy like this.",Frisk asked for Chara,as she was as well looking at the mysterious and old document.

I really want to give a concerned question how the author even correlated 'shy' with 'freak', but at this point I've come to terms with the fact, that there is never a semblance of sense to these writing decisions, and I couldn't be made to care if the plot devolved into the topic of suicide.

"Of course,little sis.",Chara answered with a cool smile,as she extended her hand for a hi-five. "Mystery girls?"

"Mystery girls.",Frisk happily said with a smile,accepting the hi-five as she and Chara hopped off for the town's library.

Sadly,the twins weren't aware that the main policemen of Inside Falls were planning something to stop them from uncovering the truth.

Right after they put Chara in juvenile prison for confessing out loud to conspiring a murder.

---

Frisk and Chara were on one of the library's table,only with a candle's orange fire as the light source near them. Chara was holding the old document on her hand,looking at it with a serious and focused face.

"Okay Frisk,we just have to unlock the document's content. Then,we'll show to everyone Sakura Rosenqueen isn't the real founder of Inside Falls,and Etoile's reputation will be thrown to the ground.",Chara said in a focused tone.

"And I'll proof to her I ain't a freak.",

She never even called you a freak, you freak!

Frisk said,chewing on alot of cinnamon candy as she looked at a book about ancient languages.

Chara activated a projector and projected a part the old document on it.

"Hmmm...",Chara grunted,as she trying to decode the language. It didn't look like Greek,or like Latin. "Wait...its so obvious! The X and the O form together four triangles.

Ah, yes, the perfect triangle. Two straight lines and an arc. You couldn't connect your bankrupt ass to the plot thread without pretending we are back in the canon, even if you tried, and it's obvious that you don't even do that much, author

Triangles are the alchemist symbol of the fire. Perhaps we can light the parchment with the candle fire!"

"...Just don't burn it,ok?",Frisk said for Chara.

"Okay,I won't...wait...light the parchment would mean burn it...right?",Chara said,but she realized her own words as she approached the candle of the paper.

They have the collective IQ of ten, because that's how mentally mature this author is if she thinks this counts as anything but lame asspulls to make the plot go her way.

For the bad luck of the twins,they heard the voice of Raynold and Geremy. They were searching for the two young girls,and because of that,the two had to hide below the same table to save their skins.

"Ugh,we have to be fast now. Where the map will take us?",Chara said in a rushed voice,charged up of adrenaline.

Image

YOU DON'T HAVE A MAP!!! The paper was never folded into one! Frisk didn't even get to prove her worth! Authors can be sloppy, be forgetful, be flawed as all fuck, but this is taking it to the level of jerking off on my face with an imaginary dick, just to prove that the author can do whatever they fucking pleases. The story is crumbling in on itself like a shit soufflé and the only one who hasn't realized it are the characters within it, because even the author can't be so ignorant about her own faulty creation!

"...it will take us to...The Inside Falls Museum of Backstory.",

History museums are a concept, author. They exist. They can't be substituted with a random nonsensical synonym for an extrapolated fifth usage of the word!

Frisk hastily answered,as she looked at the map and pointed the location.

"...That only means one thing.",Chara said in a breathed voice,as some form of regret filled her voice. "We'll need to go. Inside."

~~

Chara and Frisk soon found themselves entering inside the Inside Falls Museum of Backstory,recieving passes,and ballons of green and pink color.

"Here we are...",Chara said in a slightly scared voice.

Of course the author's desired skin-suit would be afraid of backstory, because that would mean commitment.

"Well...where is the thing we are searching for here,big sis?",Frisk said,trying to sound more mature and serious than she actually was.

"Hmmm,the clue about the real town founder is...there!",Chara answered,suddenly pointing out to a specific exhibition.

"I know this because the voices inside my head told me so."

It had the shape of the symbol of the town,the X above an O,and a figure drawn over it. However,it wasn't exactly clear what the figure was. "We have to be quick and fast here...those cops surely aren't fooling around."

"Except the one on turquoise.",Frisk commented,remembering how Geremy accidentaly kicked a pile of books,thinking it was the hideout of the twins.

Which is the exact opposite of fooling around, so of course in opposite-land that means he was.

"Yeah. But what is this figure?",Chara agreed,and then,pointed out to the figure on the exhibition.

Chara and Frisk looked at it,trying to make something out of it. But it wasn't sucessful. It looked too abstract for pre-teenagers like them to understand.

It also looked too abstract for a teenager to describe, right, author?

Frisk eventually gave up,and laid on a bench in a upside down position.

Which, as we all know, is the normal tendency for someone who is a weird, shy freak. The theme of this episode just comes through so perfectly, doesn't it?

Chara also gave up,doing the same thing Frisk did. But then,the twins realized something.

The figure was upside-down,instead of abstract. It was of a noble high queen,pointing to the right.

"Hey,it reminds me of the statue of the cemetery.",Frisk commented with a smile.

And the depiction of royalty is just so prominent in old American cemeteries, isn't it?

"...the cemetery...we got another tip,Frisky. Lets go!",Chara replied,now that a new tip was on hers and her sister's reach.

Thankfully,they managed to escape from the hands of the sheriff and the deputy,with alot of sheer luck,since they were too nearby of them.

Riveting excitement, it's almost like there would have been more conflict had the twins walked through cobwebs.

---

You know the drill. These chapters takes so long to process because they are lengthy, meaning I have to post half of it here and

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Re: Inside Falls

Post by ConcernedGamer » Mon Mar 18, 2019 1:57 pm

the other half here. Stay strong, the stupid is not over yet.

Pearl was still in the stocks,forcing to listen to a dialogue of the lady that married a male wigeon and her husband,and hoping for someone to help her get out of there. She was about to sleep when someone poked her nose.

"Oh-hoh! It is the aunt of Frisk,Ms. Dreemurr!",Etoile said with a petty tone and smile. "You want to be freed?"

This is a crossover fanfic, kid. This is your new home and you are both prisoners.

"Of course...",Pearl said in a annoyed,and slightly sleepy voice,feeling pain ruling over her neck.

"I'll do it...if you say the Rosenqueens are the best family of Inside Falls.",Etoile said,with a smirk,as she extended a note for Pearl's face and offered a pen for her.

Pearl had to write the phrase with her mouth,since her hands were stocked up. When she finished,Etoile looked at it. What was written was "Hush Up!"...and it didn't please Etoile a slightly bit.

She usually felt flattered when people thought she spoke too loudly, but this time was an exception.

"Now you can free me up?",Pearl asked with a big smile for Etoile.

However,when she noticed that Etoile called alot of people with eggs within baskets trough a whistling,she sighed down in defeat.

Pearl just tried - by your logic, author - to insult Etoile, and you still write Pearl to expect kindness? Are you five?

~~

Frisk and Chara found themselves on the cemetery,in-front of the statue of the high queen,pointing at the distance...probably,to the next clue of the mystery of the very real founder of Inside Falls.

Or the nearest Burger King, it's fifty-fifty, really.

"Probably,the next clue is on the horizont this lady is pointing.",Chara commented,looking at the statue,and afterwards,at the grave,who had the common symbol of the town. Chara looked at the distance,right to the direction the lady statue was pointing,but couldn't find anything. No tips for the mystery's ending or anything.

And she didn't notice that Frisk was trying to handshake the lady.

Being a shy person who can't make friends, of course she would openly approach an inanimate object with a greeting, it's nothing out of the ordinary.

"Hey,nice to meet you. My name is Frisk Dreemurr.",Frisk politely presented herself to the statue,picking the pointing finger and hand-shaking it. The point of the pointer finger went upwards,and the grave opened up,revealing a mysterious staircase.

You couldn't even change the fucking switch to match what Frisk was doing, by letting it be the whole hand, author?! Congratulations, your fanfic now invalidates the canon, which in essentially states that only someone as silly as Mable, who folds paper hat maps out of important documents, someone who while looking for clues decides to view it upside down to pass time, someone who lets a statue pick her nose to discover that the pointing finger itself is a switch, could succeed. Fuck you, you thoughtless hack.

"Woah Frisky!",Chara spoke in surprise,looking down at the passage that opened below her.

"Woo-hoo! I'm not a freak anymore,Etoile!",Frisk happily cheered,climbling down the statue and falling right into the beginning of the staircase,with Chara walking behind her.

Chara and Frisk were now on a dark,muddy and rocky path,and tried to find their way trough it,using the last help the sunlight could give to them. But accidentaly,Frisk's forehead pressed a booby trap with moving,red lasers,forcing her and Chara to run trough them all.

I think you are missing the point of lasers if you can run through them, much less have them in a bunker that's been secret for at least a hundred years, author. But first of all, why is Frisk head-banging the ground?

Eventually,the two ran into a secret room. The room was full of historical documents and papers.

Out of curiosity,Frisk picked one of them,discovering information about two great philosophers.

Yes? And? Are you utterly incapable of making up anything original that won't even make sense or matter, author? It's the easiest thing in the world, and you don't even seem aware of the concept.

Chara laid her eyes on a document that was focused on the mystery she was trying to uncover: "Cover Rosenqueen".

"Oh hoh! Now we will finally find the truth",Chara happily said,as she opened the document and began to read. "Here lays the fact that Sakura Rosenqueen,apparent creator of Inside Falls,is,really,a fraud...as well as a lazy,gangly and homely lady. ...Oh-hoh boy. Etoile will surely feel crazy after discovering this unbearable truth."

Yeah, I can't wait to see her face when you tell her all these details that in no way counteract her implied heritage of being rich.

"Hmmm...who is the real founder,sis?",Frisk asked,now really growing a genuine interest for the mystery.

"The real founder of Inside Falls is the cowboy Clover Jaundyce III,the Punisher of Bandits.",

Who? Wait, let me try that one again. Who? Shit, Google is turning up zilch. I think the author made this one up, and it's only going to be more apparent as we go on. I asked for this, and now I'm going to regret it, aren't I?

Chara readed out loud. ...It was actually surprising for her and her sister the fact the founder of the town is actually a cowboy.

"Who is Clover Jaundyce?",Frisk asked again,deeply curious to know about the origin of the Inside Falls' very real founder.

Settling for just the regularly real founder was simply out of the question.

"Sorry kiddos,but you were never meant to know.",Sheriff Raynold's voice suddenly ringed,alarming the two twins.

Then,the sheriff walked to the twins,alongside the Deputy Geremy...whose hat had a hole,presumably caused by one of the laser's of the booby trapped room. The twins gasped in surprise: their quest...was ruined.

You are kind of past the moment of dramatic tension ellipses, when its addressing the fucking obvious, author. Did you pause the episode there to keep up with your transcript rip-off and think it was part of the show?

"W-well...he...she? Is stuff from the government.",Deputy Geremy explained,trying to remember Clover's gender...and forgetting the fact that Clover's gender is ambigious.

Because someone with a girl's name in 1860's really leaves that up to anyone's guess.

"Stuff from the government?",Chara asked,raising a curiosity eyebrow.

"At least you...have information about him,or her?",Frisk asked,really hoping the day could have a good turn.

"...*sigh* Yes.",Sheriff Raynold said,like he was a father with a tired tone finally deciding to give a child their deepest wish.

And understandably so, of course, since Raynold is coming down from just having told Geremy that he's adopted.

Then,he picked up his own hat,lifted up,and showed a film reel,which he inserted up in the projector.

A countdown in black-and-white colors began,as Chara and Frisk made sure to seal off their tongues to listen.

---

"Thank you...or not,for being one of the very few known people on United States to watch this tape. Unfortunately,probably you will be disposed or wiped out as soon as you finish it...which is my case,by the way.

Everyone said I was daft to make a tape that would mean anyone that saw it would have to be killed, but I made one all the same, just to show them.

Out of all the presidents America had,no one of them is like Clover Jaundyce,the eight half president of United States.

They won the 1837 elections punishing a...inhuman quantity of criminals in public.

Because back then elections were decided by how many people you could lynch at once - what?!

They were widely known as the most fair and nice but...weird president. They battled agains't dark trees,accidentaly,or not,caged three black sheeps thinking they were evil,and temporaly abolished the taxes law. And their unision speech was too mixed."

"I will protect you all from killer squirrels with bee spikes!"

Well, that's just silly. It's almost like the author doesn't know how to paint someone as shy or a freak or something.

"Eventually,they decided to explore,to find 'adventures',and found out a garden they decided to name as 'Inside Falls'.

It was a nice little garden, with a shrubbery and a path down the middle.

But soon,they became forgotten,and as a replacer,Sakura Rosenqueen was appointed as the founder of Inside Falls. The body of Clover was never found by nobody."

People simply forgot! The author can't even make up a government cover-up when she's already plagiarizing the recipe for it! What's the point of the secrecy, the use of law enforcers, and this fucking tape?! Can the author even tie together her own shoelaces, much less the plot?!

---

The recording ended,and as soon as it ended,Sheriff Raynold regretfully pointed to a direction,and Chara and Frisk immediately looked at it: there was on the wall a block of amber color with the figure of Clover,with closed eyes,encased stance and their left hand holding a pistol.

Well I guess she really was never found by nobody then, since there's no indication that the Sheriff is here for the first time.

Clover's gender ambigiousness was reflected pretty well on their appearence: their body structure,face shape,ears and mouth were like a man,but their closed eyes were femenine.

Oh dear, the author actually tried to convey something when she used the word 'ambiguous'. You're not supposed to denote gender by those features, author, you moronic asshat. At best, from what I can figure, and giving you a generous helping of translated benefit of the doubt and reconsidering your misinterpretation, you have gorged yourself on so much Undertale fanart of androgynous Frisk and Chara, that you are denoting any lack of feminine features as therefore being male, when in fact it's supposed to be noted as neither, and guy-liner or prominent eyelashes are just female by default to you. But all of that is not how you determine gender or lack thereof. What you are doing is in no way how one addresses, depicts, or even references what you were going for. You don't say 'well, dude looks like a lady, but not quite' and therefore say the gender is ambiguous. You are assuming the lack of gender of a character that you yourself made up, that's how dysphoric this is!

They wore a old-time cowboy outfit,complete with scarf,cowboy hat,jacket and very tough boots.

"We were actually apprehensive of following you two,even trough we take our job VERY seriously. We really wouldn't hurt you if our mission wasn't find Clover's body.",Sheriff Raynold said for Chara and Frisk,with genuine regret on his voice.

Oh, what joy, now the author has decided, that since she has injected these two fan-inserts or whatever real people they are based on, she doesn't want to make the tiniest smudge on their characters despite being idiotically bumbling antagonists.

"...Yeah,we followed the younger's cinnamon crumbs.",Deputy Geremy confessed,pointing to the ground. There really was crumbs of cinnamon candy,who stopped below Frisk's feet.

"Oh gee...I'm sorry,big sis...",Frisk said with a extremely low,almost whispery voice,as she hided her face in shame with her hair.

"...Wait,you will cage us somewhere just for the town to never know the truth?",Chara said,feeling some sort of indigination.

It is a marvel how many times we have to infer that these people are telepathic, since no one said anything remotely like that out loud!

For her,even if the apparent family of the town's founder was a fraud,it could be healthier to understand the truth rather than believe in a lie for the rest of a life.

Sadly,the Sheriff and the Deputy didn't share those kind of ideals,even if they shared the feeling of regret with her. They sadly nodded their heads,and holded Chara and Frisk's arms the gentlest they could,even trough Chara and Frisk foolishly tried to fight back.

You clearly knew why the cops did what they were doing, author. You're probably first going to reference any higher-ups orders when Jaundyce is going to call them off. The problem is that you are so incompetent as to never once even leave a hint at it, and yet you have to have thought that you did. This constant reliance on people recalling the canon for you, so you can get across the intended impression that these substitution people share character motivation and mannerisms of the original cast was insufferable enough, now it's just getting worse.

~~

Chara and Frisk were now in the crate of a train that was going to Washington,in the insides of a box of "Top Secret" content. Chara knew that no promises of carrying her and her little sister back to Inside Falls were made,so she tried to punch down the box with the strenght she was blessed with. But sadly,even with her determination of getting out at alarming rates,the box was too much for her.

Yeah, it's so unfair when the plot has plot armor on, isn't it?

Frisk was just too heartbroken about all the situation. She acted trough instinct,trying to be mature and serious just to proof to Etoile she wasn't a 'freak',

Because now her instincts are none of the things that at the end of this chapter will be what saved the day all along.

but all of it leaded her to being caged alongside her big sister. With anger filling herself,she punched,thinking it woud hit one of the walls of the box. Actually,she punched right at Clover's 'prision block',causing cracks over it.

Well, since she activates traps with her forehead, why not also have her punching thin air like an angry toddler, just so the author doesn't have to make up a better reason the plot continues?

"O-oh no!...oh no...I'm sorry sir...lady...whatever...",Frisk said,with the feelings of sadness and regret immediately flowing over her,as she hugged the amber block the former president was sealed in,thinking they could somehow feel the hug from inside their amber prison.

But then,the block collapsed,freeing Clover.

And the mummified corpse immediately began decomposing, because, much like everything else, it wasn't established that amber could have life-sustaining properties, and thereby cementing the fact that being a substituted word for silly is a different word for a substituted word for brilliant.

Clover's femenine eyes opened,revealing pupils of a vivid green color,that began to look around.

But were the pupils like a man's or feminine, author? And learn to spell feminine. Fuck, learn the word masculine while you are at it.

Chara gasped in surprise,hearing the slippage noises and turning around to also face Clover. Frisk squeaked,but looked upwards to see what she caused with the hug.

"My name is Clover Jaundyce!",Clover proudly announced,as they bringed the pistol next to their lips and blowed the dust away from it.

"They...survived!",Chara gasped in surprise,amazed at seeing the cowboy president itself behold her.

"I...I actually think I freed them.",

"That thing I did. I think I did it." Brilliant dialogue, don't you think?

Frisk said with similar amazement,looking down at her shirt and arms. They were full of crumbs of the amber block.

"You freed and helped me,with your capacity of love.",

A love that only a shy, weird freak could have shown. Now you are a fourth word off from the actual crux of the plot, which is to show that there is no shame in being a bit silly, author. No one could get that impression of moral message from this. Not the characters, not the readers, not me, and not even you.

Clover explained with a smile that wasn't very serious,but that had the very warmth of a happy heart.

"Wait,the handshake you gave to the statue...you used your extreme kindness to solve the mystery,and not maturity!",

And if there was one thing Etoile was accusing Frisk of, it was that she was too kind, isn't that right?

Chara realized with a impressed,happy face,realizing the reason Frisk somehow discovered a 'complicated' trouble.

"...Oh!",Frisk also realized alongside Chara,opening her whole eyes,sparkling with happiness.

"Oh no,I'm sure someone with nice but yet bad intentions sealed us in this crate!",Clover said,as they realized they,and the young twins were inside a crate.

Do you have to both be a kiss ass and fellate your fan-inserts at the same time, author?

"Welp,seems like I'll have to use my very spiky aim.",they continued,pulling the trigger's gun and shotting down the box.

Are you trying to banish a reality-warping imp back to the fifth dimension with this grammar, author? I'm running out of plausible reasons for this abysmal grasp of the English language.

Chara and Frisk crouched to protect themselves from the crater's plank shards,as it collapsed to oblivion. A wigeon,oddly,came out of one of the train's windows and rested on Clover's arm. Clover happily patted it,and afterward,leted it fly.

And the bird was there! Can't forget the bird! It's very important to re-establish that it existed for the callback later, while nothing in this scene involved it.

"Lets go fellows!",Clover excitedly announced,as they ran in a exaggerately funny way.

You can almost hear the author going; "You know, whatever way you yourself thinks is a funny way to run? Yeah, she did that. I don't have to describe shit to you."

Chara and Frisk followed them,as Clover punched down the emergency escape from the chairs,and ran to the roof of the train,followed by the Dreemurr twins.

However,the trio didn't count with the fact that Sheriff Raynold and Deputy Geremy were following for them. They briefly paused,as Raynold had to help Geremy,and he helped him like the two were the greatest friends.

Every romance in this universe up until now had been friendship-censored, but that just wasn't enough for the author, was it?

"Sheriff Raynold! Stop following us!",Chara bravely said,thinking,and hoping they would go away.

But, that has to work! When has 'Swiper - no swiping' ever not worked?!

Then,she remembered about a fact that could save hers and Frisk's skins: Clover was the United States president,and there was no proof they ever resignated. "Clover,please make them stop."

Clover happily winked for Chara,but immediately gained a serious face,looking at the Sheriff and Deputy.

She then shot them dead, having been given no context or other idea of what else to do.

"I,the president of those United States,order you to stop following those nice fellows and get a vacation for you two.",Clover said,with a slightly more mature tone. Thankfully,they crouched down on to avoid a metal rail.

Stop making this both an AU, a crossover, and a fix-fic that ruins comedy forever, author, you insufferable charlatan.

~~

Thankfully,Clover's speech worked,as Raynold and Geremy couldn't resist the temptation for a break on waterslides. They were also friendly enough to wave a bye-bye for Clover,Chara and Frisk. When the train finally dissapeared on the horizon,Clover kneeled to face Frisk.

"You deserve a reward for being the most young and sweet child I ever saw.

That's the sickest burn against 19th century youth I've heard yet.

In the future,you'll be a great pacifist in the name of USA.",Clover spoke with a proud smile,as they handled a medal for Frisk with the shape of a heart made out of real gold.

Spoken like a true, gun-toting American cowboy.

Frisk proudly hugged the medal and inserted it on her chest-heart area.

"And Chara...I can see in your eyes the hope to find the secrets of this town. So,I will reward you with this key,that unlocks almost all the doors it can touch.",Clover said for Chara,viewing on Chara's red eyes the love for unraveling mysteries. Then,they handled for the blush-sticked girl a key of platinum color,with the symbol of a diamond.

Kindly notice who of these people you rewarded a golden heart, author, you absolute moron.

---

Chara,Frisk and Clover returned to the Inside Falls town. Altrough it was a very confusing trip for Chara,Frisk learned from all of it that she shouldn't be judged because of her sweet ideals about world peace,or the jumper designs she makes.

Is it that fucking difficult to copy-paste in any of the multiple words you've been having as plot-placeholders up until now, instead of jumping to yet another completely unrelated topic, author? I would call this misdirection, but that would imply intent, which is something your current bar is set too far below to indicate!

The twins walked to Etoile,taking the chance that her two friends were busy over something the blonde instructed.

"Greetings,Etoile.",Frisk happily greeted,like nothing happened between her and Etoile. "I helped Chara uncover the mystery of the half president of United States. You could call me a freak again,I don't care."

"...What a freak!",Etoile insulted,both Clover,who she mistoke as a weird adult trying to mimick a cowboy,and Frisk. But surprisingly,Frisk firmly kept her world,not caring about the insult.

The author couldn't write Etoile to say anything else, so why should Frisk bother pretend otherwise?

"You could hibernate on amber blocks,and it works extremely well.",Frisk continued,with a calm smile.

However,Etoile began to laugh. That weird and annoying laugh of noblewomans from Japan.

Okay, tone it down, author. When I say shit like that, I do it through the comedic lens of addressing stereotypes used in fiction. When you as a narrator state it in-story, there is no lens beyond your narrow, emaciated mind.

Her parents even joined the teasing of Frisk,before entering inside the car.

"Well,I'll accept who I am. A sweet pacifist freak!",Frisk happily announced,throwing her hands on the air like she was always the one that was right.

Chara was happy to know that Frisk accepted her real self,but angry to know that Etoile was about to escape the situation without any kind of harm. So,she thought of a idea. She picked the "Cover Rosenqueen" document she was hiding under her right arm the whole time,

Because establishing shit ahead of each scene, despite knowing the relevance of their props, that's just completely impossible. Are you just writing this fanfic on your first viewing of this and future episodes, author?

and rudely throwed it at Etoile,not caring about the richies she didn't deserve.

"HEY!",Chara yelled,catching Etoile's attention. "That is for almost destroying my sis! Sakura is a lie,and your whole family is as well!"

As the car rolled away,Chara could only listen to Etoile's surprise cries,pleading for her mother. Chara smirked in victory; revenge was something so sour,yet so sweet.

You know, like the food of the culture you constantly slander, author.

"I am needed elsewhere,very young friends.",Clover's voice suddenly ringed,catching Chara and Frisk's attention. "I'll be always on the laws of justice! Clover,out.",they continued,as they jumped above a horse and shooted the air with their pistol,making the horse run.

Chara and Frisk looked at each other. They would dialogue between each other,theorizing about where Clover would go off to 'input justice',until they heard the voice of their Grauntie Pearl,coming from where she was the whole time: the stocks. From what they heard,Peridot and Etoile heeled up her life with throwing eggs,and Asriel chatted with Pearl for one hour.

Ah, so Asriel is both a timid-hearted crybaby, and an idiot too oblivious to help his employer, in this fanfic.

Chara decided to use the key Clover gave to her,and it was truthful to its word: it could unlock the stock,freeing Pearl,much to Frisk's happiness.

Because in this reality, stocks are also doors.

"Ugh,I feel my neck breaking...",Pearl said,massaging her neck's back with her right hand,in a ton of pain. Then,she noticed the medal on Frisk's chest. "Oh,cute. What is it?"

"A amulet to proof I'll be a great pacifist on the future.",Frisk answered with a big,goofy but well-meaning smile. Then,she began to laugh alongside Chara,much to Pearl's extreme confusion.

"Why you are laughing about your dreams?",Pearl asked,scratching her hair in confusion,thinking that dreams weren't something that should be laughed off.

It's because the author's puppeteering hand is tickling Frisk from the inside, Pearl, it'll pass.

Frisk just shrugged with a smile,jumping into the air and landing with her butt on the ground,laughing even more. Even Chara began to scratch her hair in confusion,seeing her little sister laugh,proud about who she was.

I know this author in no way could be implying this, as her skills and attempts to spin the canon into something that makes sense to her having an unshakable track record. But there is one way this could turn around into a good fanficn - a clever one, even, with this moment highlighting the fact. The act of these characters noticing that there is nothing to laugh about, yet a character is doing it, and shrugging her shoulders as it doesn't make sense to them either. Anyone here knowledgeable about Undertale likely knows about Deltarune, and its seemingly meta-aware theme of choices not mattering. Had the author been competent, this fanfic could have the twist of these characters realizing that this reality is fake, that this reality is a mishmash of foreign elements overlain onto an already played out script, from which they are powerless to deviate from, unless becoming aware of how their actions have little to no proper justifications or coherency behind them. With fate and predetermination in the balance, the potential for a full deconstruction of fanfics as a concept could even have been available through all of this, justifying the trash we've had to suffer through up until now. But that's not going to happen, and we all know that. These characters are still slaves to the author's fraudulent authorship, which is totally beyond their original identities to influence. This fanfic is not a summer adventure, it's a fucking hostage situation.

And my predictions for this chapter came out only half on point. And the title made no sense. Next should be The Time Traveler's Pig, now titled - ugh - "hOi! tIeM tRaVel!" I'm guessing that a Vocaloid character replaces Blendin Blandin, Chara is obsessed with trying at being Lapis' friend, Temmie is there for some reason, and I'll get a migraine.

Counters : YAT (You Are Twins) - 32.

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