Maxwell Ignitus was just your average youth, depressed with his lowly human existence. Until one day, he ran into the Crystal Gems, and an accident left him with a corrupted gem embedded in his body. He found this to grant him incredible powers, providing himself with new purpose and outlook on life. So, naturally, instead of staying with his new friends and exploring his new abilities, he ran off into the world and spent fifty years faffing about – doing everything the author could later retcon in for convenience – until he finally returned to Beach City and went on adventures with Steven. What followed was a parade of bad decisions, worse character motivations, terrible life advice, and Maxwell simultaneously being the cause of every conflict that plagued the Crystal Gems, and being the one to solve them in ways that would leave any fan of the show abhorred. To top it off, every antagonist in the story were cruel, greedy, and power hungry humans, who wanted Max or the gems dead for one reason of another. Because humans are evil by nature, according to the words the author put in Max’s mouth. That’s the person in one corner, let’s see the guy in the other.
Jack Divinos was just your average youth, depressed with his lowly human existence. Until one day, he ran into the Crystal Gems, and an accident left him with a corrupted gem embedded in his body. He found this to grant him incredible powers, and by now you’ve probably realized what mold the author likes to cast his protagonists from. Unlike Max, Jack was captured when the Crystal Gems boarded Yellow Diamond’s space ship in an attempt at a covert mission to save the Earth. The idiot was left to guard their own ship, and was captured because he couldn’t even do the one job he had. He also didn’t know what powers he had, yet he was the one to come up with the entire infiltration plan and insisted on coming along. Anyway, he defected to the other side out of spite and became the White Knight of Homeworld, the defender and savior of every gem and female creature that suffered even minor inconvenience. Jack was so good at being a male ally, he managed to instigate a female uprising for a patriarchal race of lizard people before having them make peace with Gem-kind. He even resurrected Pink Diamond with the power of ‘because the author says he can’, since the story was written before the show had revealed her shattering was faked.
I hate both of these characters. I loathe them equally. Max is a self-absorbed shithead edgelord, whose sole motivation is accumulating power, which is excused as a coping mechanism for his ridiculously traumatic life experiences. Jack is a vacuous shell that has no other purpose than being a willing slave to feminine whims, a simultaneous proponent of women’s strength and the first to be their shield against any adversity, his character being nothing but a fedora tip in human form. And by the end of this story, hopefully we’ll be free of one of them. Enjoy.
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Chapter 1: Anomaly
The planet Earth, a rich history of war and culture on one body of the entire galaxy. It should seem insignificant, but it hosts life that can determine the future for every species of the universe, including the powerful gem race.
Humanity is superior, mostly because they write the stories where this is the fact. If aliens ever show up on our planet, pop-culture ethnocentrism like this is going to be an awkward talking point.
One such being with that power is Jack Divinos, a human with a Labradorite gem imbued within his chest and connected to his heart. A betrayed Crystal Gem, now loyal to Homeworld and the Diamonds.
Betrayed?! The idiot got caught when he was supposed to guard the getaway vehicle and was brought before Yellow Diamond herself. What were the Crystal Gems supposed to do, kick in the doors and get a face-full of lightning? Attempting to rescue Jack would have been a death sentence!
After much training, he soon gained full power over his gem abilities, and is now one of the top warriors of the colony. Today he is sent on a mission to inspect the Earth, as an anomaly was detected. Jack didn't necessarily care what happened to Earth, but apparently this anomaly had the capacity to destroy even Homeworld if left alone. Now Jack is to investigate it, his support being his close allies Diopside, Rutile Topaz, and Onyx, as the ship descends to one particular settlement.
Ah yes, how could I forget Jack’s rock waifus? Diopside, the ditzy bimbo with the power of healing cuddles. Rutile Topaz, hard-ass combat trainer with hair made for shampoo commercials. Onyx, the uhhh… the one who owns her own ship. That’s all the description she was given. I don’t even know what she looks like.
Beach City, a place to call home and center of all things weird. Of course there was that one place in Oregon, but this human was more concerned about what happened here. Maxwell Ignitus, human wielding an Obsidian gem in his right hand. Long ago after escaping and killing the awful family that abused him, he found the Crystal Gems.
His family and the entire village they lived in, indiscriminately. He has confessed to other murders, never has he expressed regret, and no one has ever called him out on it. I don’t count, unfortunately.
An accident caused him to lose his right hand, but Obsidian saved him and replaced his appendage. Over five decades later he returned to the gems and accompanies Steven, using his newly mastered combination of gem skills and powers and human creativity and weaponry to battle the forces of evil.
Whenever he isn’t having a mental breakdown and becomes an unstoppable, murderous psychopath due to his split personality. Totally unrelated to his gem powers, might I add. I’m still confused by that fact.
Unfortunately now though, he's suffering a bad headache and reoccurring nosebleed.
"Aw come on, I can still fight!" Max protested as he was laid in bed by Steven and Garnet.
"You're too sick Max, we don't want you getting hurt even worse." Steven says caringly as he fluffs Max's pillow.
Then spit in his face and get it over with, Steven. You salivate panacea, it can totally excuse the spite.
"There are only three gems on the ship coming toward us, we can handle this." Garnet informs Max as she finally manages to make him stay down on the bed.
"Fine, but if I hear anything bad happening, I'm jumping in to fight!"
What more do you need than an echo, then?
"Is something wrong Jack?" Diopside said with concern as she puts a hand on his shoulder, confused to see his nasal cavity protruding blood.
"I'm fine, just a nosebleed. Maybe my body is trying to get used to the new gravity, I haven't been on Earth in over a year...so what do the scanners say?" He directs his attention to Onyx who was piloting the ship.
"We can confirm that there are 5 gems, a Pearl, Amethyst, the fused Ruby and Sapphire, and the human child of Rose Quartz."
"What of the anomaly?"
"Hard to pinpoint, but it's definitely near them."
“It’s being identified as an Obsidian for some reason. I don’t really know why I didn’t list it along with the others just now.”
"Alright, prepare for landing."
"Here they come." Garnet announces as she and the rest of the Crystal Gems ready their weapons for combat. The black ship soon sets down onto the sandy beach before a hatch opens. "Don't lower your guard, they may have destabilizers."
“Not to mention their own brooding freeloader with absurd strength and lack of empathy.”
The four watch as new gems walk out of the ship.
"We have arrived, and it seems we have a welcoming gift." Onyx chuckles as she walks out, Rutile and Diopside walking behind her. Jack takes a deep breath of Earth's air, a small part of him missing the sensation as he walks off the ship, then glares at the Crystal Gems.
"Wait… one, two, three… four?" Amethyst said confused as she looks at the new gems. "I thought you said there were only three."
"I-I did… it's three gems… and a human."
Dramatic reveal with neither reveal nor drama. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
To say they were surprised was an understatement as they see the new human.
"Well that's just rude. You all forgot about me? After just abandoning me!?" Jack yells infuriated, his head hurting though and the world around him seeming to shift.
"The anomaly is getting stronger, just what is happening?" Onyx said as she looks at a tablet shaped device.
"A human...no, Jack. How did we forget?" Pearl seemed unsure about herself as she looks at Jack, then glances toward the temple...where Max was sleeping.
Excuse me, what? I was wondering how the author would excuse away how the two previous stories could take place, without the Crystal Gems ever mentioning having met more than one human-gem fusion before. But I doubt this is a case of everyone coming down with amnesia, despite how bereft of logic the author usually is. Where is this going?
"Wait, we met Max first? No it was Jack, no um…" Steven tried to make sense of things, until he felt his own nose bleeding slightly.
"Hmm...so whatever this anomaly is, it's affecting their memories as well. That explains the nosebleed, but why me? That could only mean...no that's impossible." Jack tries to make sense of the situation, but then Onyx's tablet blows up.
I agree, Jack, although I have no idea what crazy conclusions you’re jumping to. Nothing about this memory mix-up and spontaneous hemophilia makes sense, and yet you seem to know exactly what’s going on. That’s usually Max’s thing.
"Darn it! The anomaly is too much for the device, we need to find it and destroy it now while these traitors are confused." Onyx summons her sword as she points at the temple. "It must be coming from over there."
"Jack...or Max?" Garnet tries to focus until she hears the temple door opening, and Max walks out.
"Sorry, but I can't resist the temptation of seeing something...new." Max and Jack immediately lock eyes, the whole world seeming to pause.
A meeting of two self-inserts, who just realized the author has been two-timing them. Awkward.
They look at each other's respective gems with an odd curiosity. The two walk towards each other slowly, wind blowing around them softly as they reach out with their arms, fingertips barely touching before a shock wave separates them, blasting Max into Garnet's arms, and Jack into Diopside's.
"Well, that hurt a lot. But I believe I understand what the anomaly is." Jack carefully stands back up, looking at Max intensely. "This human isn't supposed to exist, at least not in my world. Something is causing alternate timelines to meld into each other."
What? How? How do you know this? Why is it causing nosebleeds for unrelated people? What the fuck is going on?!
"Wait wait wait, what you're talking about is impossible." Max shakes his head before getting onto his feet. "Two timelines can't just suddenly rip and stitch together like this, there's gotta be a catalyst, and I'm pretty sure I'm looking at it."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm almost 70 years old, and I've never seen another human with a gem besides Steven. If anything, you must be the source of the problem."
As if no more than one human with a gem can exist in a single timeline? I’ve seen many kinds of timeline plots in fiction, but none of it were as nonsensical as this.
"Idiot, your theory means nothing. Homeworld's technology has detected the disturbance and led us here, and the detector blew up once you were close enough. If I want to keep Homeworld safe, you'll have to be destroyed." Jack reaches for his gem with both hands before pulling out two sharp knives glowing with a strange blue light.
"Everyone stand back, it's time I teach this wannabe some manners." Max smirks as he reaches into his right hand and pulls out a black cloak before adorning it.
Sure, let’s not sit down and talk about this or learn what is going on. Instead, let’s jump straight to the violence. Were it not for the fact that I utterly despise both of these murderous cretins, I would be giddy at the prospect of their possible demise. Unfortunately, one of them losing would result in the other winning, and that just ruins the excitement.
This entire crossover battle is stupid, anyway. Rant incoming, so be ready for an extended diatribe. I am aware that this story is basically the author doing this for fun, and he’s welcome to that. He needed an excuse for his two skin puppets to have a fight, and he can have that, too. The problem is he chose a poor excuse. For a moment, let’s analyze, shall we? Some kind of anomaly gets detected by Homeworld, and it seems Max is the source. Why is it happening now? Why is Homeworld concerned with it reaching them in a different galaxy? Who knows?! Anyway, it’s making a bunch of female identifying creatures uncomfortable, so of course Jack has to step in. And his plan to deal with the problem is to kill Max, since he concludes that Max shouldn’t exist in this timeline. While Max suffering an untimely but completely warranted demise sounds fantastic, it’s a terrible way to get rid of the anomaly. Why, you might ask? Because, unfortunately, killing Max does not make him stop existing.
Let me illustrate. Put yourself in the role of a timeline anomaly removal agent. You detect an anomaly, so you go and find it. It turns out it’s a stick. A stick that should not exist. Just roll with it. To prevent the total collapse of the timeline, you break the stick. Congratulations, now you have two sticks that shouldn’t exist. You set fire to the two sticks in another attempt at destroying it. Even better, now you have a pile of ash, and a bunch of smoke, both which shouldn’t exist. Is my point getting across yet? Instead of jumping directly to the murder angle, Jack should have tried to get Max’s assistance in the matter, because it’s obviously something that’s affecting him as well given his nosebleeds. If this anomaly is something that threatens Homeworld, I’m pretty sure the Earth would be in danger as well, so why start a fight with the Crystal Gems instead of having them help out? These are moot points, though. Why, you may ask, again? Because the anomaly, if these dimwitted know-it-alls are correct, is a result of timelines melding together; whatever the fuck that would imply. Why they would, or how it results in nosebleeds and memory problems, I have no clue. In any case, we already know what happens in the show, to people who aren’t meant to exist as a result of a timeline conflict.
The problem should be fixing itself, and Max or Jack should be a pile of dust. The reason it hasn’t happened yet, is because the author gives less than two shits about making sense.
GO FOR BROKE
ENGAGE
Jack immediately dashes toward Max, knives ready to slash, but Max was all too prepared as he reaches into his cloak and pulls out his favorite combat shotgun, firing repeatedly at Jack once he was close enough. With Jack stunned by the unexpected damage and force of the blasts, Max takes the opportunity to repeatedly slam the gun against Jack's gut and face before delivering one more round directly into his face and blasting him across the sand.
"What? Where were you hiding that?"
Where are you hiding your bullet wounds? Why would anyone be using guns, if they do no lasting damage?!
"Interdimensional portal, got the inspiration from the gems' warp pad, now I can summon whatever weapons I own into my hands. Check this out." Max puts away the shotgun to reveal a machine gun, which he uses to fire rapidly at his opponent.
"Not this time. Jack be nimble, Jack be quick." With that phrase said, Jack focuses his energy into an incredible burst of speed, dodging the bullets with ease before rushing at Max, then removing the ammunition from the gun.
He could just have cut Max’s head off and gotten this fight over with, but that would have prevented them both from showing off.
*click click click*
"Out of ammo?" Max looks at the gun, only to feel the back of his head hurting as Jack threw the ammo clip at him. Then Jack runs quickly once again at the disarmed gunner, dealing many incredibly fast punches to Max's body.
"Jack be lethal, Jack be slick."
Jack’s ego be making me sick.
Jack's speed lowers slightly, but in return gets a large boost in power. He brandishes his knives again as he slashes and stabs at Max. But as he gives an especially deep stab, Max grabs onto his arm and glares.
"I'm gonna hurt you." He says in a voice oozing in venom, flipping Jack over his body by the arm and slamming him hard onto the ground. Max reaches into his cloak and brandishes multiple daggers. He stabs at Jack's palms and ankles to pin him onto the ground while leaving bloody mess as well.
Whatever happened to sheltering Steven’s childlike sensibilities, Max?
He switches weapons once more as he pulls out several grenades and pulls out the pins, laying them around Jack's body. Then he jumps high into the air and pulls out one last weapon. "Here comes the rocket launcher!" With said large artillery pulled out, he aims carefully through the scope from above before finally firing, a large missile launching directly at Jack and the grenades before finally exploding all around him.
Is Max going to be using any gem powers in this fight, or does the author really need his weapon porn that much?
"Hmph, done and done." He puts the RPG back into his cloak as he lands back onto the ground. As the dust settles, he looks to see...Jack is nowhere, all that was left are the daggers, blackened sand, and some red and...blue blood.
"What the?" Before Max can try to understand what happened, he feels his cloak yanked off. He looks to see Jack holding it before slicing it into nothing but strips.
"Next time you try to pin someone down, make sure it's not on loose sand." Jack says, his eyes glowing a bright blue color.
"...DARN IT! I FORGOT WE WERE ON THE BEACH!" Max yells out as he clutches his head with a dumbfounded expression on his face.
Is this guy for real? Jack thought to himself before sighing and deciding to continue the fight.
Is it any more ridiculous than Jack dodging an explosion at point blank range, or, if that’s not the case, Max aiming and firing at an empty patch of sand? Or better yet, everyone on the sidelines just twiddling their thumbs?!
"Now witness the power of Labradorite!" Jack roars out as his gem glows brightly, his veins glowing as bright blue blood courses from his heart. He flips backwards and lands into the ocean, then digs his knives into the seawater. His magic energy is harnessed through the knives and begins to shift and change the water before it begins to take shape, growing holes for eyes and a mouth with sharp teeth, fins and gills forming, and a large tail. It keeps swelling with Jack's energy until it finally took form, a saltwater beast shaped like an enormous orca.
"...Now that's just not fair." Max says as he looks at the watery beast.
You’re both as powerful as the author wants you to be from moment to moment; of course it’s not fair.
Jack's eyes flash once more, and the orca attacks, swimming through the air before slamming against Max, playing with him like a soon to be meal. The orca repeatedly bounces Max with its nose, then smacks him down with its tail onto the sand. Before Max can even try to recover, the orca rams itself head first into Max, violently smashing him further and further into the sand until he was buried deep.
"It's done." Jack says solemnly as he looks at the orca and carefully directs it back toward the water, only to feel some resistance. "What's wrong with you? Get back into the water, I want my magic back."
Is that how this works? It’s a disposable water construct. Why would you need to return the water to the ocean and not just let it splash across the beach? Why did you rip off Lapis Lazuli’s powers, just to make them suck?
Then he looks to see the Orca was grabbed by the tail by a bloodied and bruised, but incredibly angry Max.
Max says nothing as his body now bursts into an incredibly hot inferno, the sand around him turning into glass and the orca's tail vaporizing into steam.
"Impossible, how are you still alive, and producing so much heat?"
"Oh please, my sister hurt me worse than your stupid fish. As for the heat, Obsidian is no slouch when it comes to firepower, she and I harness enough power to rival the sun, you could use the entire ocean against me, and I'll still be standing."
Max, you were mortally wounded in a car crash. Please, don’t pretend that a billion cubic kilometers of water can do nothing to you.
Soon the water formed orca screeches as it was completely evaporated by Maxwell. He slowly walks toward the ocean, the water at his feet turning to steam.
"I will not fail my Diamonds and lose to some scum of the Earth. My magic has no limits!"
On the contrary, they are as limited as the author’s imagination.
Jack stabs one knife into the sand and holds the other into the air. The sand and wind swirls around his knives before being blasted at Max, the wind rotating around Max into a vortex to try and suck away the oxygen, and the sand trying to chain down his feet and slow him down. The fires around Max slowly shrink as the wind attacks and sucks away any useable air. Having no other choice, Max stomps into the sand to make it work for him. Jack looks confused until he sees the water around him bubbling and boiling. He looks underneath to see a hotspot forming beneath the sand before erupting into hot lava, blasting away Jack. This causes the winds to diminish and let Max breathe again, his fires strong once more.
How many times can Max ruin the beach? This has to be like the fifth time he’s irreparably ruined the coastline with his powers.
This isn't good, this Jack guy is pretty strong. Maybe I could use fusion, no I can't rely on that and put Steven at risk, I know I can win, but how? Max wonders to himself as he tries to formulate a plan.
This must be a nightmare! No human can be this strong! I threw everything but he's still standing. Maybe there is a way to put out his flame for good, but how? Jack thinks to himself as he looks at his knives curiously.
You’ve been stabbing everything and everyone when using your powers so far, why stop now?
Max Ending
You know, I don't normally step in to help, but I don't mind lending a helping hand.~ Max flinched as he heard the familiar voice ringing in his head. Zero was the result of Max's sanity pushed to the breaking point. Whenever exposed to extreme pain or anger, Zero takes control of the body to deliver brutal agony to his enemy. Zero had no alliance to good or evil, but feared not existing, so he would help if necessary. Max knew it was a deadly gamble, but he had little choice.
Here’s the thing, though. It’s not deadly for himself, but for everyone around him. Last time Zero got out, he killed the entire town and defeated the Crystal Gems, before the author fixed it all with time travel. And even then, he had Zero remember it all, even though it doesn’t make sense. The author’s grasp of time travel is tenuous at best.
"Enough of this!" Jack rushes at Max once more, his knives elongating with blue energy surrounding them. He jumps into the air to slash at Max, only to cut through smoke in the air. "What the?"
"Peekaboo~" A mischievous voice says from behind before Jack cries out in pain. He looks down to see his own abdomen pierced by a gray and pale left hand. "It's Zero's time to shine!"
Zerum quickly redraws his hand and smirks as he looks at Jack struggling to heal the large wound. "Let's see if you can still heal after this!" Zero morphs his obsidian right hand into a makeshift razor sharp edge. Jack turns his head only for it to be too late as Zero slices repeatedly across Jack's body, his blue blood spurting into the air and coating Zero's crazed face and smile. Once he was done, Jack was lying on the ground, bleeding from several open wounds and struggling to get up. "Take it from here Max."
Not going to use your non-gem related psychosis as an excuse for murder, Max? What’s the point of having it, then?
Zero chuckles as the body returns to it's natural color and Max returns with control. Max wipes the blood off as best as he can before looking down at Jack
"I'm sorry, but when you threaten my family, I give you a taste of hell."
He didn’t threaten your family, dipshit. Get some one-liners that actually makes sense.
As Jack slowly gets up on his feet, Max shakes his head and sighs before reeling back, his obsidian hand glowing with heat. With one last burst of power, Max throws the finishing blow, a final punch directly to Jack's face before giving a large explosion of flames.
KO
Jack is sent flying into the air, his body seemingly lifeless until Diopside finally intervenes and catches him. "Jack! No, please don't die!" She sobs as she holds him close, Rutile and Onyx rushing to guard him, but look extremely unnerved as Max glares at them.
"He's not dead, just exhausted from overworking his healing abilities and suffering so much damage. If you look you'll see his gem intact and hear his heart beating." Max says nonchalantly as he jumps over them and looks at his own team, the Crystal Gems cheering for his success in the battle.
Yes, woo-hoo, the author flipped a coin for who would win first, and it came up Max.
"That was amazing! You had me worried there a few times." Steven exclaims before hugging Max tightly.
"Homeworld lost this battle, what do you suggest we do with them?" Garnet directs everyone's attention to the knocked out Jack and the three gems with him.
"Hmm, might as well try to get some information out of them. Something is causing our timelines to mix, and they might be our only choice of finding out what's going on…" Max looks at Jack, knowing this is far from over.
Because it’s not like any of Jack’s waifus would try to defend themselves or flee. Their white knight has been defeated, now they are but weak and helpless damsels.
Jack Ending
Wait, the obsidian! If I can stop her from giving power to this human, then he'll be too weak to stop me. This is a risky move, but I have no choice. Jack uses another speed boost as he rushes at Max. Max tries to shield himself by summoning a wall of fire around him, but Jack's speed made him able to tackle Max out of the fire with little damage. With knives ready, he makes several different cuts and slashes to Max's right arm before leaving a strange four diamond marking onto the obsidian hand. Max kicks Jack off and rolls backwards.
"I'll turn you into ashes!" Max raises his right arm to release a column of fire...but nothing comes out. If anything his right arm feels weaker and heavier. "W-what did you do to me?"
Whatever he thinks will work, and it will, because the author says so. It’s basically Jack’s powers in a nutshell.
"A technique the Diamonds have taught me, while your body is still intact, all power from your gem is now worthless. Now feast your eyes on true power." Jack brings his knives together, a large ball of blue electricity forming in front of him. "For Homeworld and my true family!" Jack finally releases a massive orb of pure magic and electricity directly at Max.
KO
As the dust settles, Max is seen on the floor, unconscious and heavily damaged.
And because Zero taking over Max’s body is suddenly inconvenient to the plot, it doesn’t happen. Consistent writing; what’s that?
"MAX!" Steven and the Crystal gems run over to his body, holding him close. Steven tries to use some healing spit, but before he can even gather some saliva, Jack puts his knives at Max's throat.
"Don't even try it Steven, or I'll finish him off permanently. That goes for the rest of you Crystal Gems...Diopside, Rutile, Onyx, take these prisoners to the ship."
The entire point of the fight was to finish Max off permanently, you absolute moron! It took less for you to gut alien lizards by the dozen, fucking carry through with your original intentions!
"Do you think we will be captured so easily?" Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl summon their weapons, but Jack just chuckles.
"Just like you rebels, trying to fight even when it's futile. But will you still fight if it means the death of your ally and beloved Steven?" He grins maliciously as he raises his knife gently in the air, only for the sand underneath Steven to violently shake and shift, surrounding him as incredibly sharp needles aiming directly at his vital points, including his gem.
You’re threatening physical harm against the kid, whose most prominent powers is a defensive bubble? And the Crystal Gems, one of which sees the future, is convinced by this? Fucking hell, why is everyone in this story an idiot?
With little choice, the Crystal Gems return their weapons and surrender. Diopside grabs and carries both Steven and Amethyst with ease while Rutile Topaz and Onyx escort Garnet and Pearl onto the ship. Jack looks down at Max before using his magic to levitate and throw his body into one of the prisoner of war cells. The anomaly and the Crystal Gems are captured, now all that was left was the Diamonds judgement.
Hey, you know that anomaly that threatens Homeworld and the Diamonds with its mere existence? Yeah, let’s bring it directly to Homeworld and the Diamonds. Brilliant plan!
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I’m no expert, but isn’t it a bit ironic, that a conflict revolving around a problem of timelines is given two diverging endings? In any case, the author’s non-committal story writing has basically made this fanfic no more impactful, than a kid playing a versus fighting game while holding both controllers. There’s still two more chapters of this though, which boggles my mind.
