Xenophilia of the XXX-Variety: A Monster Girl Guide

Ever wanted to date a Monster Girl but couldn’t decide which one? Max-Vader will provide you a handy guide to some popular and lesser-known species in this article.

Xenophilia of the XXX-Variety: A Monster Girl Guide

Since ancient times, humanity has always desired to have sex with anthropomorphic creatures (no, not like the Furries, fuck off). Recently however, this concept has become even more popular thanks to the injection of a metric shit-ton of kawaii courtesy of the land of the rising sun. Thus, the average anime fan finds himself with a dilemma: With the incredible amount of potential monster girl waifus, which one should he choose? Don’t worry, your good friend Max-Vader is here to help! I’m going to provide you with the details on some of the girls available to you as well as a handy list of the pros and cons that come with your choice. Let’s get this started.

Vampire Girls

Ah yes, Vampires. The immortal monsters living in castles, the bloodsucking predators, the terror that flaps in the night. One might not immediately think of them as monster girls, but since their condition makes them something other than a human while still keeping many human characteristics, they definitely qualify. There is quite a lot of potential variety between them, since they can live forever as long as they aren’t destroyed and keep drinking blood at certain intervals. Some of them are of the Dracula-type, meaning they are old, aristocratic and highly intelligent, though perhaps unfamiliar with modern things depending on when they woke up. Others haven’t been vampires for very long at all. It is of course noteworthy that no matter how much a vampire ages, their body will forever be stuck in the state it was in when they were bitten. If you think this can’t possibly pose a problem, I direct your attention to Dance in the Vampire Bund.

Pros:

• will never get old
• you might get a castle out of it
• you might also get immortality out of it
• the older ones tend to be very knowledgeable so you can have great conversations with them if you are into that sort of thing
• capes are cool
• this might make Dracula your godfather or something
• if a vampire is sufficiently old and intelligent enough, it’s not morally wrong to have sex with them even if they have the body of an underage girl

Cons:

• you’ll still get a blue square over your house, though
• most vampires who look ten also tend to act like they’re ten for no reason
• they might suck you dry, and not in that way
• forget sunbathing, church visits and garlic dishes
• immortality is not actually all that great if you can’t eat or see the sun
• you are basically engaging in necrophilia
• castles are really high maintenance
• zhe vampire szpeech vill become old very fast

Sheep Girls

Also known as Weresheep. No, that has nothing to do with Werewolves. While they have the typical fur as the name would suggest, most varieties aren’t completely covered in it and still look pretty damn human. This ain’t FurAffinity, here. Anyway, like their namesakes, they are completely herbivorous and mostly live in flocks. If they were fully human, they would be vegans. That would be an absolute pity, because it would mean you’d have to take them behind the shed and shoot them, which nobody wants. Another similarity they have with actual sheep is that they are generally believed to be unintelligent, which is nothing but a racist stereotype. Sheep are actually just below pigs and on the same level as cows when it comes to intelligence and some of them even demonstrate problem solving skills (though this has not yet been conclusively proven outside of anecdotes). And that was the sheep trivia for tonight.

Pros:

• very fluffy
• horny
• adorable
• since they regrow their wool, you can shear them and sell it
• can act as living pillows

Cons:

• having a black sheep could cause problems if you walk around with it in Alabama or something
• if you are a southerner or a farmer, most of your fellows will probably judge you for not helping their image at all
• expect a lot of “baa baa black sheep” jokes

Zombie Girls

If you’ve ever watched Dawn of the Dead and gotten a hard-on, Zombie Girls are for you. The difference between Zombies and Zombie Girls is very simple: The former will try to crack open your head, the latter will try to give you head. Other than that, they are pretty much the same. They shamble mindlessly towards their prey (although there have been reports of some of them running instead) and groan. As you can imagine, Zombie Girls are not exactly ideal if you are looking for a partner that is intellectual. They can’t really help around the household either. There is also the fact that they are literally a moving corpse. I won’t beat around the bush here, this is a pretty shitty choice. Oh well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Pros:

• -very low-maintenance
• -won’t start fights with you
• -no standards

Cons:

• -is a corpse – and unlike the vampire, this one is rotting
• -smell – see above
• -are mindless and incapable of communication
• -might need spare parts occasionally
• -most people don’t find themselves turned on when their partner’s limbs fall off during sex
• -you might get infected and end up as a zombie gigolo

Ogre Girls

Living in mountains, caves, wastelands and swamps, Ogre Girls are fairly straightforward. They patrol their territory, looking for men who are foolish enough to enter it. Once they find one, they will proceed to violently fight them.

And by “fight”, I mean “rape”.

Should you strike their fancy, they will drag you back to their home so they can rape you some more. As you might imagine, this makes picking an Ogre Girl a fairly dicey proposition unless you are into very rough sex or just REALLY like onions.

Pros:

• will do anal
• all those rape attempts are a great workout, so you can probably become a pro-wrestler after a while
• all the onions you could want
• “Ogre Girl is love, Ogre Girl is life”

Cons:

• people might get jealous of your devotion for Ogre Girl
• broken limbs are not fun
• neither is rape
• once they like you enough to make you their husband, it’s all ogre